Ohhh Yeah...

well now, get this...on my way to go to the movies tonight, i get a call....of course who else would i be takling abotu at this time right now..yeah...but since i was traveling though cedar lake/crown point my signal got crazy, and no message was left

**sidenote**i don't understand why people call and don't leave messages...now i will say i didn't like to leave them on answering machines backj in the day, but that was only because it was heard by the parents and everything like that, but the cell phone, or people's actual answering machines, yeah i leave messages all the time..and people with caller id, why would you not leave a message for them, they know you called, but anways***

so as soon as i got a better signal i called back and asked if she did in fact call or it was some fluke where she dialed my number and didn't actually mean to speak to me...well she told me she had some time free tonight [saturday], so if i wanted to i could come over and we could do the exchange...forgetting where i wa and what i was doing i almost agreed, but somebody spoke in my car and i realized i was driving to go to the movies...once i told her of this she got all mad like, "fine, whatever,...i'm going now" i tried to be reasonible, they was no need to get mad at me, i was going to a movie, the exchange was agreed upon for monday at one, was i supposed to ask her if she wanted to see a movie..i know i make myself readily available at a moments notice, and if push came to shove i could have shown up then, but it was imperative that it be done right then, i mean tomorrow was still good enough of day as any, plus it was planned for then..so who knows..

everyone doesn't want me to go over there, they don't want me to see her agian, they've got their reasons, not to mention evil minds....but i don't know what i'll do... i mean she sounded so sweet and nice when that call began, but got bitterly mad at the end and hung up....i don't know...like i said, when we first spoke, i forgot where i was, how easily swooned i was.........and she must know this, i mean others can figure me out, and some are, and are using me because i have some petty idea in my head...she must know that she can trample over my heart like a herd of cattle, almost stomp the life out of it, but as much as she'll try, it'll still beat for her.....god that's sad

she'll walk out of my life, i'll get over it all..eventually, or think i have, blocked the past out of my mind and live a life devoid of that emotion, live my normal happy go lucky self life, forgetting everything about her, and then something or someone will bring it up, and of course i'll remember....it's been like that for a couple weeks now....the best way to get over it is to forget about it all and just keep on keeping on, right?

i think she is the first number to ever be deleted from my phone...and we all know how much of a rat pack i am, keeping every number stored in my phone, even if the person dies or has it changed.....but it's gone, and the ringer......everybody knows how i put special ringers for certain special people, and that no two people can have the same special ringer, so yeah it's lost forever....there's only two rings on my phone that were appointed to people that send a chill down my spin, and i only hear them when i cycle through all the ringers...sigh...

and one more thing......she said something recently, about how she wasn't able to do things because she had a boyfriend, i believe this was a post in her xanga...let me ask you, have you ever not been able to do something because of your significant other? unless you have some controlling freak, i think not..am i right...zach lets anne go clubbing, though he may not like it, he doesn't control her.....and i was never controling, not for a second....she could do whatever she wanted..well besides fuck some guy, but i'd probably let her get away with that too....i didn't make her disown her friends, didn't say no, she cut her hair, i may have not wanted her to, but i never said "NO you may not", that'd be wrong, it's her body, herself, seh can do what she wants...when she went to the bars and drank it up a bit, did i care, i just worry about the guys that might try to take advantage of her, but i didn't say no you can't do that over you're break....but then agian the matter of truths comes up, just honestly tell me what you're doing and i won't care, don't hide it from me, because them there's a problem...it's not that i'm nosey and keeping a tab on you, just want to know what you're up to, should i have dinner ready at 8 or will you not be coming home tonight....that sort of thing....i never held her back from doing anything, though she must have thought i did to do what she did....

well that's all i can say for now, it's getting late and our last confrontation is 12 hours away...then it'll be one more post about all this non sense, which i do appologize for, but it is my dumping ground of thoughts..til tomorrow....