Rocking the R.O.K.

fast facts..
fun facts..

the more you know….

Ok, so while out here in Korea I'm trying to dive into the culture as most as possible…learning a few words, socialisms, things like that…just trying to fit in i guess..but one thing I came across while reading some Korean hand-guide was an interesting fact about the flag..

insert picture here

ok, so check this out..each one of those outer blocks of lines means something..my favorite two are in the upper left hand corner, and the bottom opposite corner. The top - one with three full lines - represents Heaven. It's counter part, the one with six each dashes represents Earth.

Now it gets even cooler than that! The word for Heaven is Geon…and the word for Earth is Gon….ONE LETTER OFF! How Awesome?!

It also stands for Father/Mother..East/West..Spring/Summer....just some random cool things...

Ok, am I the only one who gets excited over things like this?! I think it's really freaking cool and I love little things like this..

ok, cultural hour is over, I now return you back to bla.







"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth. They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth."

I Miss You

between a rock,
and a hard place…

what to do what to do oh what to do…

The other day I sat down in front of my computer and typed away…nothing special, and sadly nothing nobody will ever see..it's actually something I've been doing every day regardless. But it was the content of meaning in which I wrote that would only be the surreal foreshadowing that only my writing could do.

You see, I asked a question to..myself…*looksaround*..but it was more I asked it outward wanting an answer to, and for, myself. I would receive that answer just a day later. But, what's even stranger is, it was in those moments that I was asking the question that somebody was already typing the answer…the very answer I would receive the next day in a text.

How is this even possible - how is it that someone that is yearning for some sort of answer, whether good or bad, just something..how is it that while this person is taking the time to physically ask the question, the question that is burning in his mind, to bring it forth, making it something substantial…that very answer he longs for is being materialized at that very same instant half way across the world..

but that's right, in this situation, we only believe coincidence, right right…moving on

well not really.

Anyway..So now I am left with what to do..I got the answer I wanted, not just an answer, but the answer that's most favorable to my emotions, to me. Naturally I chased after it, but seeing how it was sent days earlier that person has had time to build walls back up, to fool herself into thinking it was all a mistake, and is beating herself up for letting her guard down, for giving in..and now, now she won't reply..

So what's next? My friend asked me what I would typically do in this situation..I said it varies..varies on the situation and the girl..maybe i'd chase, maybe i'd be annoyed, maybe i'd ignore, maybe i'd tell 'em to fuck off and die…it all depends…but one thing is for certain, I always go with the gut feeling..I go with how I am feeling to that situation…

And in this particular situation..I want to chase it..but then again, I want to respect the other person and give them the space they so said they desire..but the feelings are obviously there, it's there whether you try to bury deep down in places you don't talk about to friends..it's there and it's not going away…so do i wait for them to spike again, hoping to have better timing and catch it as it comes my way…or do I pursue, attack, go after with some sort of Hail Mary last ditch effort…

Right now I have nothing…so the ball is in your court…..





"People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but it's actually the good ones that drive you insane"

Unfinished

Why didn't these make the cut
what could have been

what is and what never shall be

I just posted some unfinished/unpublished posts..that are NEW..never before seen...just a matter of, where..or, when rather...

well, here's one..funny it's about the truth..not so funny it's from November..

Alright, that is all...








"So I says to Mabel I says..."

Rules We Live by

Never Give Up,
Never Surrender

funny how this carries over into all aspects of life.

As a member of the services, especially the Marines, there are a lot of guidelines, policies, procedures, rules, etc that we are to adhere to. Did you know there are actually policies put in place for should you get captured? But of course that is something we strive not let happen, as my subtle title thing indicates.

I guess I was born a fighter, I don't know how else to explain how I am what I am today..it's not like I had brothers or sisters I had to constantly do battle with. It's not like I had a male figure head to battle with (clarification, I love my grandfather more than anything, he just was working two jobs and wasn't around as much..but he did everything he could, and more). I don't recall getting into many fights as a child; I remember being competitive, I remember having a temper..but fighting, hmmm. So that leads me to where we are now, I was born this way.

What I hate the most is the phrase "I'm a lover, not a fighter" - as if those who fight are incapable of loving. On the contrary, I fight for what I love. To me, that statement, I'm a lover not a fighter, just means you'll go about peacefully when something you love is taken, damaged, hurt, destroyed..you'll just lay down, putting up no resistance. So to me, being a fighter could be the best of both worlds - I'm definitely a lover, but I'll definitely put up a fight as well.

Call me stubborn, relentless, ridiculous, whatever…I just don't stop, in fact you could say I never stop. But wouldn't you rather have someone that will fight for you, than to have someone just sit there and watch you try to walk out of their life.

There's a saying, "All's fair in Love and War", so wouldn't the policies I live by for War, aka work, apply to when I'm in Love..especially when Love becomes War?

I don't know..maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm what's wrong, or who's wrong..maybe..but regardless I'll keeping doing what I do, what I know to do, what I've always done...Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.

I'll be here, solitary stagnant.







"I'd rather be with the wrong person for the right reasons, Then the right person for the wrong reasons."

Guess I Got My Answer

In the future..
but posting presently..

not understanding the logic behind it all

So apparently Blogger still has me locked onto CONUS time..whether it's east or west coast time I'm not certain, I think I may have updated it to West, but who knows...so my posts are like a day late pretty much..

cool story.







"The heart wants what it wants... There's no logic to those things."

And Another Thing…

sometimes I shouldn't blog when i'm in a mood
yet, sometimes that's the best time..

In the process of you trying to make me hate you, you just end up looking like a whore

I recently made a blog about the strange occurrences that happen to women after I date them..I guess I may have accidentally left a few out. So, in continuation fashion as best as I can do, let's move right into some other the other, lesser qualities you'll embrace.

This unbecoming unbridled sense of entitlement. It's been said before by several pasts that I have this obscure ability to get close to people. As one friend stated "I've never seen anyone connect with complete stranger like you do." I make people feel comfortable. I the process I attack their weak spots and make them stronger. Most of my pasts I've been able to make overcome certain fears, or do certain things they were too scared to do..basically, I come in and help make people better in a way. As someone once told me, "You turn shit into gold."

But it seems that as soon as I am no longer in the picture, those pasts try to continue on with the abilities I've given them. Now they are no longer self conscience about their bodies, or looks, or this, or that…they feel like their are top shit, when in reality, they are just amounting themselves back down to shit. Yes I was there to help, and yes that's ultimately what I want - but of course there are real world applications to make you look like a whore.

Sure while we are dating you'll send me a pic of yourself that's slightly risque, but after we are through, to see a much more racy picture you gladly boast on the internet is a little off-putting. It's one thing to be proud, but it's another to be smutty just for the attention you are now lacking…but of course you need anything you can to fill the void..

Speaking of filling the void…with all these walls I've broken down, me doing all the work, now you can just go out an be a whore for any Joe off the street..why not, you had your love you always wanted, now it's time to spread those..wings *cough* and fly away..

Funny how you will end the relationship saying, "it's not what you want" or "you don't have time for a relationship" or what ever other lame ass excuse you can really come up with, when, but a week later you're riding some other guy's dick, who, just so happens to be your new boyfriend.

wow.

funny timing wouldn't you say..convenient..or you're just chockablock full of lies…either way, you're still a bad person. Way to blow.

And along with this "empowerment" is this other facade women put up about being "happy". It usually goes something along the lines of "I haven't been this happy in a loooong time" or some crap. As if they are implying the removal of me from their life has been like a dark cloud pushed away by the shining sun…as if I am somehow this abomination of happiness.

Really?…because when we were together you claimed to be happy, probably the happiest or most loved you've ever been..and when times got rough for you, who did you turn to, to make you happy, to make you smile, who was constantly there for you. Who could, just by speaking, make your day brighter.

oh yeah, that's right..me.

This blasphemous rhetoric is pure diatribe against me in hopes of them shutting out something as wonderful as they had with me…because deep down they know the truth, they know they've made a mistake, because by propagating this propaganda to everyone around them, they too will believe this force-fed tripe of a lie, and continue marching blindly forward.

It's all cool though..I've seen it a million times before…it's just a horrible way to go out..especially when you end up proving that you're just as good as everyone else that came before you. I'm not angry, no, it happens.

Let's just hope it doesn't befall again.







"I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

Question..

what happens..
to these posts..

if I'm posting from the future?

So ever since I got to Korea I've been saying that I'm from the future..it happens in like every single text message. I'd currently Saturday afternoon here..which means it's like Friday night back home..

so my question is….If I were to make this post right now, and somebody from back home were to view it a few minutes after I posted it..it would show up right, and it would show from the future time to them…

I question this only because in the past I've woe posts, but changed the time to post for a future time/date…and it would sit there, pending, until that time came…

but in this instance, i'm posting in my current time, just future time for anyone else…so the dates they read with what I wrote wouldn't correspond necessarily…

ok, this has been a brain melt that has last long enough, good day.







"sometimes you have to travel a million miles, see a million faces to realize the answer to all your questions was right there the whole time"

Seoul-less

what defines you,
may not define me.

the blog about spirituality..

Apparently I don't show my emotions very well…and yet at the same time they are over the top as well - story of my life, being on both sides of the spectrum at once.

When I do have outbursts of emotions, those around tend to find them too intense, dramatic, over the top, etc…maybe they are just used to me not being..responsive. I tend to get excited at random things, quickly change emotions, whatever..it's just me and that's all I can really say. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say what I say, it's just the emotions speaking through me..

In other cases, people think i'm not sensitive enough..not showing the "proper" emotion or response for whatever said situation. I don't even know how these two are pulled off in conjunction with one another, but I do what I do.

I'm reminded of any concert I've ever gone to; specifically for this scenario let's use Muse. Muse is easily in my top five bands current, and in my top for bands of all time ("all time!" ~ Kanye). Now, I have seen Muse in concert on five different occasions, ranging from 2005 to 2011; and I always go on about what an amazing show they put on, the Pink Floyd of their time, etc. I've taken different people to go every time, and like a drug, they get hooked too.

However, each time I go, people question my love for Muse. They hear me days before the show, leading up to it how awesome it's going to be..they hear me talking after the show of how great it was, these aren't of concerns…but rather, what happens during the show is why they question it.

I guess you could say I play the part of the guy who was drug there and doesn't know who's playing. I stand there..i may slightly bob my head, i may smile, i'll definitely tap my foot, and i'll take pics/videos…i don't get all hyped up, I don't dance, scream, or go crazy like some people..i just register it all internally and live in that awesome moment..soaking it all up..taking it in..enjoying the bliss of it all. (Di-id you catch that…)

Now, if you don't recall or don't know me that well, I LOVE music…to me, music does for the soul what morphine does to the brain. When asked what I would miss during my three months at boot camp; iphone, internet, gf, whatever..my answer, without hesitation was, music.

Hands down music is a vital necessity to my life. I may not be able to actually play or make music like i would love, but despite those disparities, I still love music. It is able to cope with all emotions; happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc..music..music does wonders for me. And although I may not express it like someone else, music is a HUGE part of my life.

The same is true for God.

I may not go knocking door to door, stand on the corner preaching, or even go to church every sunday. I may not make every Twitter status update praising the Lord, or push my beliefs onto other people, or do any of that over the top stuff (and to be completely honest with you, I find all that stuff to be annoyingly fake).

My interpretations and teachings I've had all tell me the same thing; you don't have to let everyone know you're a Christian to be a good Christian. You don't have to be seen in church, you don't have to boast about to everyone about the Lord, you don't have to tell everyone the good deeds you're doing for Him..that's not what it's all about. Essentially, you're not supposed to be asking for praise while here on Earth..meaning, I don't need to tell you what I gave up for Lent every five minutes in hopes that you feel guilty you're not doing something, or to have you think I'm a better Christian, or whatever

I don't always go to church, but when I do, I don't throw my hands up in the air and scream out Hallelujah! I don't push my beliefs or insult other's views with my own, but I will speak of the Lord and reference the Bible to those who do believe. I may not do the things in that respect, I may not let it be known externally, rather it's all internal - like at a concert. Just as I am in the concert, in that spiritual nirvana that nobody else in the world knows about but me; I am the same with God..the only difference is, He also knows.

So just because it may not appear to be whatever you want it to be on paper, whatever you think the SOP is for loving God, obviously you're doing it wrong and better go back to check it out.

As T. Waits would say, I got my own special way..








"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30"

Leap Year Post

special post..
special day..

well, not really the first statement...

This post really has no sustenance to it..it's just a post because it's a rare day..so yeah, here you go…

Today would be a good day to pick up girls from the bar - explanation…bitches women love to celebrate their birthdays, it's science..and any bartender will tell you how they can't get away a single weekend out of the year without some gaggle fuck of women "woo-ing", ordering girly shots, throwing glitter, wearing tiaras, etc because it's someone's birthday celebration..even if it's thanksgiving or Christmas..these girls come out to party..

Anyway, people are born every day of the year, shocking, but who has the rarest birthday of them all…the Leap Year Day Babies…and this group will go to any lengths to make February 29th a wild one, no matter what day of the week it lands on..even a Wednesday…

Sure they could celebrate it on the closest weekend, like anyone else would do, or like they have done for those three other years…but when something as 'special' as the 29th of February rolls around, you better believe they'll be out in full force.

And they'll have to drag their friends out..and their friends will have to come..even if it is a Wednesday like it is today…

didn't they make some crappy movie about Leap Year Day..and didn't they play it on a non-leap year..wtf marketing people...

other than that, I don't have much else to say at this point..trying to do something..anything…

is it weird that every leap year we vote for a president?








"Leap Year Day is just one more day of suffering.."

Heart & Seoul

Doctor said I'll be alright,
but I'm feeling blue

This is about the time where I'd say something horribly mean (provoked of course...) that I really didn't mean, but said in an attempt of making me hate you..hate you like you apparently hate me…hurt you like you're hurting me…

For some reason, it's not happening…

As soon as I start to curse your name, get mad, want to break something or whatever..as soon as the adrenaline starts to flow, it dissipates just as quickly…the moment is over, and I'm just left as an emotional mess. The words are never formed, the hate I try to create froths never to a boil…

i just can't do it.

I can curse other people, other people around you, but you..I'll get mad, irritated, but my lack of understanding hinders me from going any further with those emotions…even when you 'tactfully' use such demeaning phrases, all it does is break my heart more and that's it…

i'm left with nothing.

So instead of fighting it, fighting you, throwing a fit, a phone, or drinking myself into a coma..i'm just going to sit here..and probably write…(not going to lie, the drinking will come into effect sometime I can almost guarantee that)..but in the mean time, I'll just write about the wrongs and hurt I'm suffering..so for my avid readers who hate when I get super emotional and rant on and on about sappy crap, this is your time to tune out…our regularly scheduled program will air again next season..which is, as always, TBD.

but i'll continue.

my posts will just be me pleading my case, as I'm programmed to do..fight and plead, it's all i've ever known how or what to do. I'll shoot holes through any of your 'logic' and arguments, i'll expose everything, the truth, the madness of the situation, everything.

loving, hating.

but it's alright..i mean you'll just end up trying to quickly replace me anyways..trying to fill the void that my forced absence leaves behind. you'll trade the fun and sporty, always sexy me in for a Honda..because it was right there..and anything is more reliable than me.

naturally.





"Tiffany's is timeless, diamonds are forever…the Jangus is not"

Hole in Your Seoul

The girls I've dated..
where are they now…

the stats don't lie

I had an interesting text conversation last night..and if I were to go off into one of my angry rants like I typically would, it would be obvious to the person whom I was talking about..among other things..that so much isn't the bother as the fact I had been holing off on a blog that..not necessarily foreshadowed things, but maybe it would have done just that.

Anyway, let's just go with it…

In the past I know I've pointed out how my exes have certain tendencies. Maybe I've mentioned little things in conversation..maybe I've hinted to things in blogs, but I don't think I've ever directly come out and made my allegations/theories/whatever out with a documented timestamp for all to see..let's begin.

The one that I'll reference the most is the "Next Guy Postulate" - which basically states the correlation of the breakup with me and the next guy said ex-girlfriend starts dating will be the one she gets engaged/married too (engage is stated because on several occasions the engagement did not make it to the married state so for statistical purposes it is listed as such) ((I think what's even worse is the amount of those guys with the name Jason..but because that's too much of a mind fuck I'd just like to overlook any of those findings..)). That's right, I am the Good Luck Chuck if you will..or as my friend Citron would say..the Ricker(?) (I don't know, she claims there's this movie that has a similar plot as Good Luck Chuck only starring the awesome Paul Rudd…I have to see this for myself…) ANYWAY - I have a pretty staggering percentage of girls that go from me to engaged/married..let's just say it's over the half mark..sadly close to the three quarter mark in fact…if you're not apart of that group, lord only knows what you are doing wrong…

What's even more awesome than that, somewhere in the midst of those statistics there's a name listed twice….twice you say, is this some sort of typo to inflate your stats..sadly, no. In fact she was my first "engaged" stat; after me, she met a guy, and got engaged not too long after that…for whatever reason that relationship ended and years down the road we met up again…only to have her leave me, again, for some other guy, with whom she is now married to..and has a child with. awesome.

The second fun fact I'll bring up almost as frequently as much as the first fact is "Exes Get Ugly Syndrome" or EGUS if you're tracking…This syndrome isn't limited to just getting ugly, but encompasses a much larger issue…fat. Yes Exes Get Fat and Ugly Syndrome…EGF(a)US..Ohhh, of course if you were to ask them what they felt about this, they will ALL admit that they are not the ones that comprise of this stupid accusation…little do they realize.

Come on..you look like a chubby, scenester lesbian…or you could look down and ask where did those Kanckles come from..apparently it's hard maintaining your weight after me…

So if those aren't bad enough, the next one is a personally kicker..and maybe I don't talk about it all that much, maybe because it's insulting to me, but..the guys those ladies choose after me are..gah, what's the word I'm looking for…horrible..a disgrace..an insult to me! You know, if you're going to leave me, the least you could do is find someone better than me..shouldn't be too hard right?

But that's never the case..most are, wait no, ALL are not attractive by any means…not once have I saw one of my exes currents and was like, "well fuck, she did it right this time.." and I'm not the only one to see this. Others, females, have chimed in to say things like "really? Him?.." You ladies pick some of the ugliest and stupidest guys you can find after me..you compromise yourself to be with this next guy..I mean what the fuck…

You have these ugly guys, who you claim are tall yet are shorter than me, who confuse your/you're (among others), who's texts are illegible, who's Asian without an Asian last name, who's IQ you question because they can't keep up in simple conversation, who cheats on you, who goes to jail for dealing illegal drugs, who himself is fat, who becomes forceful/beats with you, who does things-like drugs-that you have been opposed to all your life..these are the types of guys you pick to be with over me

what the fuck is wrong with you?!

it's ok though..I don't stress because I refer back to statistic number two: you're an ugly mess too (or about to be one)

This was not my intended angry rant I spoke of earlier, however, this has been an angry rant by your one and only..or should i say "you're one and only" maybe then you'll like me..








"You should make the update that you're in a relationship with my middle finger..because FUCK YOU!"

AB-solutley Right

Seeee
I'm always right

so never question it

So yesterday I make my way over to one of the wee-fee hotspots in order to get online..As I'm doing the random things, checking email, forgetting what it is I'm supposed to be checking or googling, I read up on some news articles - ever since I got an office job, news websites have offered me entertaining ways to kill time…

Anyway, upon opening the first site right there on the front page, main article, "anorexia among young males?" The article went on to show pictures of these guys with frail bodies, skinny, except…they had a six pack or abs of some kind. Yup, the post I wrote not too long ago about how sickening this new fad was becoming turned out to actually be a legit thing..so any of those naysayers who thought I was just being a hater can now SMD.

They article elaborated on the new trend, of why it was happening, and so forth..what's sad is some of the quotes from these idiots "I think I look good" or "i love being able to show off my bod" …right, because skin and bones looks sooo good..but you got that six pack so kudos to you…

And to you girls who perpetuated this craze..you're all fat…there, that should settle the score…








"..but you'll question me anyways, because you're stupid"

Guilty Filthy Seoul

if you're not first,
you're last

The trouble with Firsts.

Everybody wants to be first: First place, first commenter, first to fill in the blank. But what a lot of people forget is what actually goes into being a first, how it's equally as good as it is bad.

Everybody knows who the first man to walk on the moon was. Everybody also knows that the first words spoke from the first man on the moon were botched - NASA claims a transmission error, whatever. But who was the third..fourth, or seventh person?

Being a first is a big deal, and it seems like once that is accomplished, it opens the door for a flood of others to do that same without praise, recognition, or even regret.

Let's go in a different direction; sex. People will remember their first kiss, or their first sexual experiences, etc…it holds so much weight because that person was the first person to do something with you that you've never done before, maybe you've waited for, maybe something you thought you were waiting for.

Ugh, I'd hate to kiss and tell, but just follow me on this one for the sake of the plot here….My last girlfriend and I experienced a lot of "firsts" together, well, she was the one with the firsts really, but we shared them together..let's not get technical here. Anyway..I remember the first time we did things more than just kissing, it scared here a little, naturally. I remember she freaked out in a sense because she allowed herself to do certain things. I recall her saying things such as "this is so not me" - and yes, those statements were true, up to that point.

It's hard to accept the reality of when something like that happens - when you've told yourself you're going to be a "good little person and refrain from certain activities." And after many years of a brainwashed resistance, when those walls come down, well, your mind goes into panic mode.

Every word you ever cursed at others who engaged in what you just did you are now calling yourself. It's a mindfuck that makes you hate the situation and the person with you..and understandably so. When you go all your life saying "you'll wait till marriage for X" and then that suddenly isn't a reality anymore your world gets turned upside down.

Now don't misquote me here, I'm not saying by any means that it's wrong to have these strong morals and convictions in life, on the contrary. What I'm saying is, no matter what, there's always going to be that first..so don't hate the person put in that situation..

Somebody would have eventually walked on the moon, somebody eventually would have sliced bread, and somebody eventually would have put their fingers or dick inside of you…it's just the shock that overwhelms you

Sometimes being a first in that respect is like the first person to wear their hat backwards, or color their hair, or wear parachute pants, or any other ridiculous fashion statement…people see that first person doing it and ridicule them…but then before you know, everyone is doing it. And that first person had to go through a lot of shit doing something that's now common place…

Now being myself in that situation is a little difficult. Here you are, respecting someone - their beliefs and their desires - you're trying to fulfill so much, make them happy, and then they direct you it's ok to do something..you are hesitant, you question, you can only do so much..And so then the aftermath comes and you're being questioned for your actions like you never cared. That maybe you're compromising their beliefs because you can't say no…well when someone forces your hand down their pants it's kinda hard to say "nah, you really don't want this…"

Needless to say, that girlfriend of mine was mature enough to come to her senses and terms with reality. As the initial shock wore off, she realized everything was ok, she wasn't a horrible person (and neither was I), she was at peace with the situation, and we resumed being a happy couple being together.

I think more people need to watch the movie Kinsey - the only reason I say watch the movie vice go do your own research on the guy is because I know people have short attention spans and won't go and read…despite the inaccuracies of the movie - anyway, I can barely remember the movie in its entirety, I think the ending is where it got off track from the true story..but what stood out in my mind was the beginning…Kinsey's childhood..which is what drove him to his lifelong career of sexual studies. I won't ruin it for you but it really paints a picture of just what harm closed minded fanatics actually cause and to what lengths their ignorance can go.

Being a first can suck and that's the risk you take..but someone's gotta do it, eventually…people should be so lucky they had me.








"X-Static Process = Madonna"

Hey Seoul Sister

yeah, bad jokes..
get used to them

cuz just like me, they ain't gonna stop...

I've been here four days and I'm irritated…in a sense. Maybe it's just that I'm bored, or there's not much going on, or people are plain..yes, the latter, let's go with that one. I'm here in the ROK with one of my co-workers, and by the 48 hour mark I could already re-tell all the stories she was going to say when she was going to say them.

After meeting new person after new person, the stories got old fast, I can only play along like it's the first time for a couple times, if that..it starts with some comment, she'd come back with a subtle "that's what she said" line to which it would provoke a facial response from someone around…she then would go into detail about how her shop took a vote and voted her, out of the other two females, having the dirtiest mouth/mind…something in those regards. I know the other two females, and I don't remember ever having this vote…regardless…

I guess it stems from my aptitude to being a random character, that, if I were to start telling the same stories or jokes over and over, I'd become a one dimensional character…and I'm not…I'm so much more than that. Whenever it comes for me to tell a joke/story again, with someone around that heard it the first time, I'm hesitant to even say it..yeah it was witty or funny the first time, now it looks like i'm running material on you.

and even in that case I always try to reword the joke/story so it's not completely the same..trying to change it up in any way possible..the only time I actually tell jokes/stories on multiple occasions with others who know around is when I'm asked to..like the story with Build-a-Bear or Scarface…

It reminds me of Jude Law's character in I Heart Huckabees - how he constantly the same Shania Twain story over and over again…this reference is probably lost on you…go rent the movie

Ugh - what's even better is the fact that I just want to escape everything and…i think i'm doing that here. I keep trying to do my own thing, but "marines stick together" shit is making me go with the crowd…I try to go an eat alone, be alone, etc…but somehow they always find me or get me..i'm sure this group is a lovely bunch of people, that on any other time i'd love to hang out and party with like they do every night..however, that's not me, especially not right now.

I guess it's kinda convenient being half way across the world when i want to lose myself in a sense..the only troubling part is getting somewhere - wow. this weekend should prove to be something..i suppose. i know enough Korean (aka none) and where to go to just be brave and go out - nobody's gonna hold me back.

It's actually kinda nice in a way…nobody cares about me here, and I couldn't care less.





"How am I not myself?"

Korea, Korea

I'm in Seoul,
but I'm not a soldier

you remind me of a west side story…

As you may have heard, or read, I'm in Korea - what? Yeah yeah, anyway I'm here for a duration of 30 days or so..the timeframe actually keeps changing since there's really nothing to do out here (???) So I will probably be home by March 11 - that's what they are telling me at least.

Anyway, just an update for you all…obviously I have the internet, and I also have my phone. Feel free to contact me at your leisure, do keep in mind I am traveler of both time and space..meaning, I'm pretty much a day ahead of y'all.

Other than that, I've only been here for a couple of days - though it didn't take long of an absence for some girl to move on, go figure. In lighter news I plan on hitting up the sights around here, already did the 6 mile run up to Seoul Tower…BAH

I'm sure I'll elaborate more on certain things in time to come..

Other than that, no news is good news right?










"I hate when you annihilate me out of your life..when my existence in your life is worse than my disappearance."

Ageism...

number..
numb-er...

The sensitivity to age

Now, as you all know, I'll be the first to chime in and laugh along with any sort of joke, whether it be sexist, racist, bigot, whatever stereotypical joke, the point is, it's just a joke and people need to learn to laugh at things...right? Anyway, the point is, it's not a joke or funny when people are discriminatory for real.

There are some who don't like black people, others are color blind; some don't like jews, others give out free hugs..I'm a pretty tolerant person, I'm understanding, I judge a person by what they make of themselves, not the characteristics that make them - i.e. they can't control what color they are, what height they are, etc.

I'd say one of the biggest factors I've turned a blind eye to is age. A person's age never mattered as to who they really were. I had to teach that lesson again today.

This afternoon I decided to make an early pass to the gym, I had a double workout schedule since I was absent most of the week, so I knew I needed more time. Bored with running on a treadmill - people hate when you try talking to them while you're running next to them - I decided to play a little basketball. I was the only one on the court for a little while until someone else walked in and went to the other hoop. After a few minutes of shooting around I yelled out to the other person if they wanted to play a little one-on-one. The other person was a little standoffish at first and hesitantly declined. I chuckled at the timid response and asked why not to which he replied that I looked a little older. Shocked at that answer I went into a rant, per usual, and it went something like this...

Older?! Well, sure..what are you in like highschool or something then? it doesn't matter..age doesn't define a person but on paper..it doesn't make me any better than you in basketball, it doesn't make you any less skilled than myself...i don't play on any college or pro level team, and i'm sure there's plenty of varsity highschoolers that could beat me..we are about the same size so there's no height advantage either way, so really, there's no immediate advantage either way..it's skill versus skill, nothing more, nothing less...

After that he was convinced and we played. While we played I continued to tell him the story of how I grew up in the southside of Chicago, during the Jordan era..when basketball was the only sport that was played. I had a basketball hoop right in the cul-de-sac behind my house, my buddies had basketball hoops set up in their driveway, basketball was played.

My best friend growing up, Tad, and I were a dynamic duo...when we played we were Jordan and Pippen. We played two-on-two like it was our job..sadly enough though, if you were to add any more people to the team the magic would kinda lose itself - that's why we could never enter the Three-on-three Gus Macker tournaments..but when there's limited amount of people you make due with what you have.

We played and would challenge our friends to try and beat us..we would see people walking down the street and we would ask them to play. Now the thing about growing up where I did, let me explain...we played during the day on the driveways, but right before dusk, a little bit before the streetlights went on, we played on the cul-de-sac....you see, the cul-de-sac was where everyone met up and played..and when I mean everyone, i mean, anyone...it was like moving up to the big leagues because that's where the older kids met up and played.

This is where I learned two lessons...One, this is where I learned it didn't matter the age of someone, it was whatever - even though some of those kids smoked, I wasn't influenced by them..even though they swore, that's not where I picked it up from..the fact that they were older had no bearing onto me..they were just people, we came together and we did our own things, together...the neighborhood was diverse, people were scarce, so any age was an appropriate age to hang out with..if someone wanted to ball, then so be it...

Sometimes we could get a 5-on-5 game going (which was awkward because this location only had one hoop) and sometimes the games consisted of less people. When the numbers were low, Tad and I stepped in to play 2-on-2 games with the older kids. This was the second lesson I learned, though it sounds like the first - and it kinda is- age didn't matter...Tad and I both liked to win, me being and only child, and Tad being a sore loser we were a perfect pair. We played our little hearts out, we wanted to win. It didn't matter if they were older, taller, whatever the case..we played, because that's what we were there to do.

Sometimes we won, sometimes we lost..when we lost we didn't use an excuse that it was because they were older or whatever, as pissed as we were, we knew were just weren't good enough, and had to play again...when we did win it was an accomplishment because everyone made it out to be a David versus Goliath situation..and we were excited because our skill showed through.

It's because I grew up in that neighborhood where at the age of 13 I was playing with twenty year olds down to five year olds made me who I am today. Where age was just a number that nobody cared about. Maybe our parents didn't want us hanging out with the older kids or whatever, but it happened, and I held onto the same morals and values I was raised with...it didn't make me a bad person to be around them, they were people too.

This trait has carried with me to today. At work I have a varying age of those around me...and I will hang out with them after work..some are 18, some are in their thirties, and I'm still me. I've dated girls both younger and older, however, the only relationships that ever get mentioned or noted are the ones with a girl that is 'drastically' younger..i emphasize the drastic because in all reality, it's not and people like to make mountains out of molehills...people tend to forget the girls that were a couple years younger than me or years older...people also tend to forget the statistic that shows men date, marry, whatever younger women...and how am I to blame in all this?

Whatever. Age is a number that gives us the permission to vote, drink, become president...age doesn't define the person you are, tell anything about your personality, or say when you are going to die..it's just a number...

and you're more than that.








"..and if i said i only dated girls born on Fridays, I'D be the a-hole..."

Every Now and Then

don't..
don't start singing..

just, stay with me here

So every now and then, it's something that only comes around once in..a total lunar eclipse, but it happens. So every now and then I will write a post, in full, yet not publish it. It will be ready to go and I all I have to do is hit that stupid little publish button, but I don't, at least not then.

You see, nothing upsets me more than seeing drafts on my dashboard. Even so to the extent that I have published half blogs, posts that were for whatever reason never completed, even if it makes no sense...just because, it was something I was going through at that time. Of course I would have loved to finished those thoughts, and as angry as I am for leaving those ideas in limbo, I published them regardless.

But certain posts, like maybe one I just wrote, maybe, are full of too much emotion at a certain time, or full of too much information, that for whatever reason I cannot publish it then. It's good just to get things off my chest, type it out if you will. And although I will talk to anyone about anything at anytime, for some reason posts like those are considered in a way to be classified material - with an unclass date sometime in the future.

And so there will come a time when the post gets published, and only I know when it happens because by then there's been so many other posts it gets lost or hidden along the way...and so my avid readers will never really see it, and only those that just join in at that later time who read back may be the only ones who actually come across it..and then, by then, that situation has blown over and we're sailing smoothly into another.

So if you think I'm not writing, you may be wrong, I may just not be publishing, sorry if hat throws you off.








"Click, aaaaaaand..I can't post this...save now.."

Not Sure...

if you really hate me
or you fakely hate me

Not sure where I'm going with this...

I sat down in front of my computer a moment ago in hopes of writing something, I actually had something on my mind too...but all that vanished in an instance once I picked up my phone and made a call. I was surprised to get an answer, as I was typing out a text response as opposed to a voicemail for when the call would be ignored - I was caught off guard when my call was answered.

And as I sit here, but what, five minutes after initially dialing the number, I kinda wished it would have gone to voicemail, the ignore would have been less painful than the indifference I received.

I thought I was doing my part well. I had figured on my own accord to ease up, pull back on the heaviness of the relationship, essentially doing a 180 while still maintaining the bare necessities of a friendship - going from constant texting and calls from the moment either of us woke up, to a text midday (that went ignored, "busy") to a call later in the evening, the one that was answered.

I remember actually telling her I was giving her space while retaining a piece of the friendship, something that I acted like I deserved commendation for or something...but instead of being praised I was kicked down as she said "well obviously not" - I guess she didn't see the merit of my efforts.

And as I was on the ground starting to pick myself back up, more kicks came in...whether it was factual or meant to be a slap in my face she continued to be standoffish, only telling me how wonderful her life was, now, as if the absence of me was like the removal of some dark cloud over her.

she finished by saying she didn't feel like talking to me and ended the call in an abrupt fashion she knows all too well that drives me crazy. Maybe she's trying to get me to hate her, maybe she's trying to...I don't know..I tried calling a friend, I tried to do the right thing, I just don't know where I went wrong.

Should have never called, I would have preferred my last words to be the ones said to her last night.







"alright...i'll just g-"

Happiness

A smile..
A feeling...

What is happiness to you?

This has to be a rarity - It's the morning, I've just woken up, I'm drinking water, and I'm about to blog, none of those fit the normal equation. (Mind you it's Superbowl Sunday and I should be out and about..) I've been meaning to write out some random stuff, but as I've always said, when things are good, what's there to write about? And then of course Thursday happened and by the time I got to the keyboard I was far too deep into my bottle to try and sort any buttons other than numbers on a telephone. But I will do my best to try and recap for you some of the events that bring us to now.

I suppose for the better part of two weeks now I've been in a pretty good state of affairs..it's funny how everything can be turned around with just a phone call. During these past two weeks, any woe that I was dealing with seemed to shrink in size; the stress levels were reduced, and work, well, that was bearable..

She was right, I am at my best when I am with someone else. For years I've always proclaimed that every man is and can be their very own island..that you should never build your world up around someone else's.. that you don't need self validation though some other's life. And while all this may very well be true, it doesn't necessarily work the best for some people, i.e. me?

What's even more striking is that a friend? ex-girlfriend once told me I cannot allow happiness to come from someone else..that I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy, that I should be able to make my own happiness...yet, here comes a different person in my life and says just the opposite - and this person is right.

My happiness is derived from being loved, wanted, needed, which is usually ascertained through someone else. Now granted I'm not saying any other person makes me happy, there were periods in my life, with girls whom I allegedly dated that I was not happy during so it is a case by case basis. In fact, I can only truly say that two, maybe three girls I've...can't say dated because one I never dated, so..known, that actually made me happy...all the other girls I had moments of happiness with sure, but nothing outstanding or prolonged other than that moment I created it.

Someone significant, someone else, someone important...It's my Bluebird of Happiness. Doing for others makes me happy, making others smile makes me happy, being there for someone makes me happy, having others rely on me makes me happy, making others feel a certain way (comfortable, whatever) makes me happy, hosting, being hospitable, lending a hand, the shirt off my back, trusting people, being trusted, making someone laugh, having a shoulder for someone to cry on, being that go to person..those are a few of my happiest things.

And like I said, it varies from person to person..I could list more things but then they'd be getting too personal and specific, so i'll just leave it at that. I was happy two weeks ago.

I miss that.








"happy happy joy joy"

Party Time

When..
Where..

that's all that really matters...

I was reminded last night of a funny little anecdote that will forever be one of the greatest pranks I have been apart of. The year was 2005, early 2005 like March or April I'd say. I was hanging out with a man, who in a short time, would become my best friend; this is just one of the reasons why.

TJ had been hanging out with me since his breakup with his long time girlfriend, with the removal of one person the addition of another, me. We had been hanging out more and more and on this particular night we found ourselves at a downtown bar. If I recall correctly it was 2for$2 Skyy Vodkas, and we found ourselves there frequently.

We were sitting at a table discussing life, women, typical bullshit when the alcohol finally triggered the social engineers in us. Before you know it we had invited some ladies over to join us and continued chatting it up. As time grew on, the ladies had some friends join and as great as this seems, TJ and I were losing interest fast in these people. They weren't adding to the conversation well enough, and we weren't drunk enough to look at them, but they were digging us, go figure.

Needless to say, we decided to move the party elsewhere, the party meaning TJ and I, and elsewhere being away from them. As we got up from the table, the ladies, who were still oblivious to our disconnection, pushed for a future close and invited us to their places this upcoming Friday, apparently they were hosting a party, maybe Hawaiian themed or something, regardless they wanted us to come. It was at that time something clicked in my head, and I can't say the same for TJ, but the light in his eyes made me think we were scheming the same idea. So in one of those unspoken mind conversations, we acted really excited about the party and got the address.

As TJ and I headed out to regroup elsewhere we started to discuss what our brilliant ideas were. We were going to crash the party. However, this wasn't any typical type of crashing, this would be duping of a greater number of people.....

So the next day at work we decided to hang notes in the server stations next to the POS terminals and in the mini breakroom - the typical places you'd find notes from other employees looking to pick up or get rid of shits...it's a billboard for servers. I remember as we were writing them up TJ couldn't believe what we were doing and just kept chuckling. Now, we had a pretty good group that we worked with, and if there was ever a mention of a party, publicly announced, you were sure to get the entire restaurant, FOH and BOH, to show up. These notes we created we for that Hawaiian party TJ and I got invited to the night prior.

I know, you're thinking no big deal, just wait.

It wasn't long after we posted the notes that word got around, it's a restaurant afterall. And shortly there after one of our fellow co-workers runs up to TJ and says, "Oh my god, you're having a party at your place?! Finally!" And runs off. Now you see, nobody at work knew where TJ lived, not even myself at that point in time. He had lived in the shadows of the restaurant social life for his entire duration up until recently, up until that breakup. For him to make an appearance while we were all out was a rarity, if it even happened before. So for someone who stood back, outside from all the events and things we all did together then have them take that step inside our circle was a big deal. People were not only excited about a party, but they were excited to have TJ become one of us.

As the week went on, more and more excitement grew amongst the co-workers while TJ become more and more anxious. I remember him trying to have a momentary bit of reason and tell me that he couldn't continue with the rouse, he almost brokedown and told a coworker the truth, but I stepped in before any damage could be done - the joke must go on.

Friday night finally came and TJ could barely bear it...while at work everyone kept talking to him about the party, I don't know how he didn't crack under the pressure. We finished our shifts and left with telling everyone to show up whenever they could. We headed to our respective homes to change over, with TJ coming by to my place when he was ready. We stayed at my place and drank while the texts poured in from everyone wondering where we were. Meanwhile I'm working the ladies from the bar who's house everyone is now at in order for things to flow properly...imagine the scenario.

Me texting girls: Hey, TJ and I will be over in a little bit. TJ had to get some gas first.
Oh, hey, TJ was wondering what kind of beer should we bring, or if you needed anything at all?
Random stranger shows up at girls house: Hey is TJ here?
Girls: Oh, no not yet, but he's on his way...

See, by saying is name enough in the texts to the girls, the name is fresh on the mind of the ladies, so that when some random person comes into their house they aren't as alarmed when that name is said...it's kinda like a Pavlov's Dog trick...

The night continued on and I guess the party raged on over there..see, our work force liked to party..they had been hyped to party all week long..whether it was TJ's place or not it didn't matter, it was the crew and alcohol..what did they need more?

At some point in the night I turned to TJ and suggested if it would appease his well being, wanna move this party to his actual place? And that my friends is the night we found out where TJ lived.






"Is it sad that one of the best parties you ever threw wasn't even at your place...and you didn't even show..."

Well Lookie Here

I guess I was wrong..
i was caught...

apparently i do tell a lie...

When it comes to talking about things, I'm known to never hold back - no topic ever seems too off the wall or controversial for me to take on. No issue has ever been too personal, from telling about my testicle surgery to some other embarrassing moment from my childhood, i'll discuss anything...I'm an open book. But then again, amidst all the talking about everything else there are only a handful of things I don't talk about so openly, and will more than likely avoid at all costs. One particular topic is, me.

"How are you doing?" A question we all ask in daily conversation, or at least some variation of it. When posed with this question more than likely I'll hand out an auto-response ranging from "meh" to "alright" - and then probably go into elaborate detail getting completely off topic. A distraction method that always works 99% of the time.

The topic of how I'm really feeling, what's really going on in my world, my mind, my whatever is such a scary private matter that I hardly ever want to address it. I can express many emotions, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'll tell people when I'm upset, I'll scream things from rooftops...but when it comes to talking about me and feeling sad, forget about it.

Granted there are occasions that I'll open up - rare, rare occasions...usually involving alcohol or hitting absolute rock bottom or a combination of the both. I know I got that way around Christmas time this last year, it wasn't good.

Should those stars align and you get that call from me (possibly crying), know that shit has just got real..this is probably you're one and only actually gateway and insight into my mind...all those bottled up feelings and emotions have burst free and are on a one way trip out my mouth. please do me the advanced favor and take care of me in that time of need.

Then again I say take care of me as if you actually care - caring as indicated that you're actually there for me and won't in mid-breakdown decide that it's getting late and you have to get going...caring as indicated that even should you be as cold hearted as that you'll check back up the next day or so..caring as if when you finally do decide to "check up" two weeks later you start the conversation off with "i only have two minutes...is everything ok?"

If you only have two minutes, you don't have enough time for me to tell you anything..let alone get a sentence or two out...So when you ask me "is everything ok?" and I give you a response, know that it's a lie.

I lie because I don't matter anymore, so it doesn't either. The in-genuine random front of caring to earn back karma points, to help ease your own conscience of the wrongs that took place can come to a stop. I'm letting you know your community service is over...because I'm not a fucking charity case. If you cared you'd make the effort...but I knew better, so I hope you understand when I say I'm alright.

I never lied when I cared, but I did as soon as you stopped.



"Me-I'm good..
G - Are you lying?
Me - I'm good.."

I'm Only Happy When It Rains..

Well, not true...
I mean I like rain and all...

I only blog when I'm upset....

I have recently been accused of never blogging when I am happy, that I never write nice things about people, that my blog is a pit of despair....I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I guess it never really occurred to me, it's never really been brought to my attention before, and now that it has I'll naturally try to defend what i'm doing here...

Now I'd like to first and foremost dispel any rumor that I never post happy posts..never is such an infinite word and I never like to use it...sure happy posts may be few and far between, but there's most likely a reason for that...And no it's not the "my life is constant shit" excuse like you may be expecting to hear, however, it's the same reason why I hardly read books and such. I'm out living my life.

Now there are plenty of awesome stories about my awesomeness that have never been told on here. Why? Simply because I'm out living them. When I write it's a 'heat of the moment' type of thing. It's me writing, telling, exploiting these ideas and feelings for the first time. These manifestations are pure emotion, wrote at that time. I don't hang on to those feelings for very long, and get them out there as fast as possible.

When 'bad' or 'negative' things are happening around me, i'm more likely to be less active and just sit with those emotions. When positive activities or whatever are in my life, I'm out enjoying them to the fullest, not sulking around or sitting behind a computer screen.

This goes the same for why I don't read books. TJ always harped on me about why I didn't read that much, as you could always find his nose in a book. I told him I didn't have time to waste reading about other people's lives when I could living my own. I'll watch a movie because that's a couple hours or so out of my life I can deal with...but, I can't read a book in two hours..I don't have the attention span for that junk.

So when life is good I'm out living it..however, there is a flip side to my reason as well. As I explained to my friend, people respond better to tragedies than comedies. It's true. Sure, I love to laugh, people love to laugh, people love to feel good...but sometimes, those happy stories just make us more irritated with life. We see a happy ending and depending on what's going on in our own lives we attack it, we feel like those happy people are just rubbing their smug lives in our faces, we despise the happy story ultimately.

Tragedies on the other hand, allow a connection for people. People can relate to a sad story. People create a bond with the situation or characters based on personal events in their own lives. People's sense of loneliness vanishes as they realize others are struggling with similar situations as their own. Afterall, misery loves company. And for some, when they hear of a bad story they make a reflection on their own life, noting that maybe their own struggles aren't so bad afterall, and have a more positive outlook on their own life around them.

In a twisted sense, tragedies are actually positive stories when you break it down like that. I write tragedies not because I'm constantly depressed or anything like that, but rather because that's when I have the ability, the time to express my emotions in a passionate way.

That, and because it's cheaper than therapy....









"writing does for the mind what the moon does for the wolves..."

Ab-

-stain...
-duct...

Absolutely no reason for this nonsense....

I go to the gym, I work out, I do so because I want to stay in shape..I want to be healthy..I want to be strong..I want to have a better build to my body, something other than being scrawny. I'm not super gung-ho about hitting the gym...I go in cycles..just something to keep me active and not a fatass. Of course I, like many guys, have the vision of that cut body, muscles, and ripped six-pack...but now...now I'm having issues with that last part.

In today's world, the six-pack on a man is now weirdly equivalent to tits on chick. It's almost disgusting, actually, it is. When I was growing up sure there was the appeal women had for men with fit bodies, but it wasn't so sickishly hellbent on a six pack...i shall now call a sick-pack....Our heroes then were different...the guys we boys wanted to be like were different...they were men. They weren't this long haired, scenster freakshows that walk around pretentious as fuck because they duped a society of young girls to think it's cool...

My dashboard, newsfeed, whatever feed is constantly spammed by stupid people posting pictures of all these guys showing off their sick-packs...which inturn get these stupid comments from other stupid people. But as sad a display of soceity that is, what's worse is if you were to see these actual pictures that are being posted. Sure, yeah the guy has a sick-pack, but that's all...there's no other muscle definition whatsoever....it's just a sick-pack (Now the term makes sense..) He's just some scrawny guy with some abs...who probably gets winded doing a push-up.

You know, all you need is a body fat percentage to be under 12% for your abs to start showing...so what these guys have done is basically starved themselves and 100 situps every day to look like that....while the rest of the body withers to nothing...those guys are stupid...and to the women who find it attractive and keep posting it everywhere..you're just as stupid..

I used to want to have a six-pack, but now with this superficial revolution of whatever this crap is..I don't. I will keep true to myself and go to the gym, like I have done before, keeping myself healthy and not scrawny..because i'd rather have a decent overall package than put my focus onto just one area and look ridiculous..

besides, the girls that like that are bitches anyway...







"Yeah, that's great that you have abs and the girls love it...but, you weigh a buck twenty and can barely hold yourself up, how the hell do you expect to fuck....i take your girls, pick them up, and toss them around like a man...like how they want it...psh..abs...."

Secrets Don't Make Friends

secret
lovers

hush your crush...

If I've learned anything thus far in life it's that history tends to repeat itself. As much as we try to learn from past events in hopes of not letting things happen again, all too often we fail. I know I've talked about how I will forever be the deleted chapter out of everyone elses lives, and well, here we go again on that topic...

I'm tired of playing the role of "the secret" - I am much greater than that, of this I assure you.....or maybe not given my track record...but regardless, this role has to come to a close, now. I can recall on too many fingers just how often I've been another person's secret...whatever the circumstance allows whether it be because the woman is married, the parents don't like me, the friends don't like me, not the same religion, not the same race, not wealthy enough - it's a position I know all too well.

Growing up I've always believed in what was shown on the TV, people persevering over the odds. The women in these situations would rise up and finally take a stand against their oppressors; placing what mattered to them first, letting the passion shine, not letting anything get in their way on their pursuit to happiness. I found that life does not imitate art.

It never happens like that, at least not for me. The women continue to be ruled over other people's thoughts, and I continue to live in the shadows of their lives. This of course only causes more problems to arise throughout the course of the relationship. It's not fair to either party. It's not fair that the women in these stories have to suffer because of other people disliking another...and it's not fair to me to live like a troll.

One of the last things I would want is to be the resultant of stress onto someone whom I cared about's life. Though not the direct reason for the stress, indirectly causing the stress due from others levying their intolerance onto the woman. And because the newest addition to the mix with all the stress and woes is me, the *not so* easiest solution is to cut me out..

but is that necessary? is that the right thing? whatever happened to people actually standing up for what they believed in...knocking other people down a peg or two...letting them know it's their own lives and to fuck off if they didn't like it....am i the only one yelling this right now?

I'm not only tired of being a dark kept secret, but I'm tired of having people in my life held down by others, which ultimately effects my life. Maybe I'm just sad that I'm not a strong enough reason to break the shackles that tie those down...whatever the case, I'm over being treated like a sheltered and forgotten child that the adopted uncle keeps locked away in a closet, never seeing sunlight...

I'm better than that..and I deserve more than that.







"that's what i'm screaming!"

Present

(a)
(the)

it's all a matter of perception...

I had just woken from a mid-day slumber in my car, one of the joys of getting a two hour lunch break is it doesn't take me two hours to eat. I normally go for food first then a nap only because the timing of lunch varies so much, and of course I want to get as much sleep as I can squeeze in...but today was different, still fighting with this cold and everything else this week I felt tiresome and when the time came, I changed plans and napped first.

It actually worked out pretty in that I awoke before my alarms went off, I love when that happens. So I headed to the chow hall to begin my day, again. Feeling a little bit recharged and out of the office I had some me time to go over things in my head - a dangerous game any time. I tend to always get food from the mainline but I saw they were serving up chicken Caesar salads in one of the side lines and happily found myself in line there.

While waiting I started mapping out my feelings, recent feelings that had found their way well above the surface. I wasn't paying much attention to where my thoughts were taking me, just letting them spill over and I was hanging on for the ride. When the lunch lady handed me my plate I quickly saw the black olives tossed about my lunch, guess I wasn't paying attention to that either.

Once seated I decided right there to take a stand for myself, for my feelings for once. It wasn't an ultimatum, though when people make demands it is easily confused with such. Rather it was just the reality of the situation, me taking the responsible role and trying to do what was right. Of course this all sounded good in my head.

The day went on and the plan seemed solid. Later I went home and ran into my landlord who just so happened to have some mail for me. He handed me a package apologizing for opening it saying how he thought it was his. I told him it wasn't a big deal and was excited to see what I got, mail is always exciting. We sat and talked and right before we departed he proceeded to say, "yeah, it's a book...didn't want to ruin the surprise."

Soon there after the time finally came, time to put the plan to action.....or so I thought.

Isn't it funny how things are different when they are finally presented. How we can go from wanting one thing, to wanting the opposite in a blink. How everything you planned for is suddenly out the window. How you think you got it all figured out, like that giftbox, but when you open it up, BAM, something entirely different.

When the time actually comes you tend to lose your mind, just like losing your place in a book page...everything's a mess..like me...like this...









"what's in the box!?"

Cold

the temp..
and what i'm getting...

Ughhh, I thought i had all my shots too...

Just a quick little update..I know I'm on a three-day weekend and planned on actually doing something, but my plans, much like my immune system, have been compromised...it's only a sniffly head cold at the moment (i refuse to type atm because I giggle...) so we will see where it goes from there..

I would like to note how cold it gets here over night...yeah yeah, bark at me all you want about "cold" but when I go outside, in SoCal and it's 34 degrees out...I'm not a happy camper..granted by 10 the temps are back in the 60s..I just hate living so close to the ocean sometimes...

I wish I had my cold cocktail supplies because that'd knock this shit right out...








"you're a Marine..and you have a cold....seriously....."

I'm Slacking..

..apparently...
but whatever..

i do what i want.

It was brought to my attention that I have been "slacking" in my blog posts..with the turn of the new year turned yet another chapter in my life turning as well..i feel as a moderate break from posting is good..i always would get mad at myself for producing just random angsty crap with no real profound message or meaning..and i think forcing yourself to write everyday does just that. I should write when I feel passionate or wanting to tell a tale of..whatever it is i do...

on the other hand, one could argue that the every day writing is what keeps the author up to par...in a sense it's practice makes perfect...the posts you write everyday, regardless of the content, push your abilities as a...whatever you want to call it, an allows for those memorable posts to come later.

so there is my dilemma...to post or not to post...well, maybe i should get some posting in now before I go to Korea in February...

oh, wait...did i forget to tell you that....









"not that it matters..metallica was right..nothing really matters.."

Start Me Up in the New Year

out with the old..
..in with the new

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?

Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.

You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.

I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)

It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.

When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.

...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily

I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.

If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?

It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.

Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.

You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.









"...5...4...3...2...1...Good Bye"

Gone Designer

Stand Out..

Subtly.

A new addition to The Jangus Collection...

Everyone now-a-days has their own clothing line out, from failed actresses to singers..it's a little ridiculous, but I guess it's another way to make a buck..manipulating their fame and money to attempt a 'childhood dream' that they didn't pursue...or some crap
...over-saturating the market with more labels..

Anyway..this is my take on that christian louboutin character and the red plastered soles he has as his signature..as I am not a fan of red, and like the more subtly classyness of the blue, of course I applied a little blue paint to the soles of my men's dress shoes.

Shown in the picture is my experiment run, but after that was a success, I quickly painted the other shoes in my collection that instant.

Fun little way to start off the New Year I suppose..Fresh New Look







"I just add Blue to everything..that's my shtick"