Start Me Up in the New Year

out with the old..
..in with the new

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?

Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.

You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.

I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)

It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.

When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.

...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily

I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.

If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?

It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.

Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.

You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.









"...5...4...3...2...1...Good Bye"

I

..need....
..this....

i need to do this, if anything else, i need to do this....

as i went about my day, my day off, my first day off in a week, my first day off after working a 60 hour work week with very little, if any extra, compensation monetarily but rather the compensation came in the form of me losing my edgey-ness just a little bit more, i thought about a lot of things...

one topic was writing again, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, it's something that crosses my mind more than several times a week, maybe even once a day, and if not, well the next day makes up for it..

and as it goes, as always, i have at the moment at least three good ideas for some posts...of course i won't write them now, even though they are fresh on my mind, and inevitably i will forget them when it comes time to plop myself in front of the screen and go to it...if i ever get that chance.

so let this be my prologue, the introduction to what i hope is my return to the blog - i don't know how many times i've said that, but it's one of those things...i made the time..i think - rather what are the things i do when i get angry at the world - shut out people, tune out the world, get angry and keep to myself, write(in some form or another), and that time is coming around again...so when opportunity meets something..i don't know the phrase, but here i am...










"born to lose, destined to fail.."

The Beginning..

of some ends..
to a means..

Daddy, always said, "son.."...wait no, that's not it

"Jangus, everything is not a revolution", the one phrase that plays back like an annoying ad you see ay every commercial break. No it wasn't said by my father, rather it was an english teacher i had two years in high school; a phrase that i'll never forget and never be able to live down.

i know i've had to mention it on here before in some previous post as it always seems like a reoccurring theme in my life..the only advice i hold onto, yet, sadly can't do anything about. so i apologize in advance if now i've turned into the broken record.

they say we study history as to not repeat it, to learn from the past - funny, some of the biggest mistakes are made without any regard to past events. Being a history buff that i was back in the day i always like to make reference to WWII. In this situation i'd quote Hitler when he said, "where Napoleon failed, i will succeed" the irony is that that never happened and Hitler made the same mistakes Napoleon did, fighting a multiple front war.

is it just human ignorance that we disregard other's past failures, is it an ego boost of superhuman characteristic to think we can do what other's did not, or is it optimism at it's best - i know the latter with the positive note threw you off...

Whatever the case may be i'm going to be guilty of trying my hand at the same demise maker that is, fighting the multiple front war. combine that with the "everything IS a revolution mentality" and you'll see your forces stretched very, very thin.

they say when it rains it pours, and once again i feel as if i am fighting to keep myself dry with only a napkin. fighting every cause that arises with a piss and vinegar attitude all the while taking on new fights and arguments will quickly get you into a 'you versus the world' mentality.

that's about where i am headed right now.

but i know i have my support out there, it's just the front lines, or those in the closest proximity of your life, whether be it physically, emotionally, or destinationly, are always the ones you'll find that change sides and you end up fighting against.

over this weekend i've somehow managed to have declared war on three different fronts - and though those fronts are not at all surprising as they have all been something that have been in the making, it still comes as a shock...now when i say i have declared war it seems as if i am the one taking the initiative to attack, rather that is hardly the case here, if ever - which is why it always feels one against the world.

the problem with me is, if someone wants to fight, i'm more than likely going to fight back, and to my fullest extent. and with three fights picked in two days, it only fuels the" pack up and go" type of attitude that in the end only would cause more damage. of course each and every front on the opposing side doesn't know about the other fronts that are being fought - so when push comes to shove with me and one front, that one front gets the anger and onslaught not equivalent to just the one fight, but to all the fights combined. Again, it's like the breaking straw, the kid that snaps, the bottle that explodes; the end reaction isn't that constituting of one action, but many added up.

if "all's fair in love and war" i fight fair, but it's dirty. with revolution type of fights you're willing to do what it takes to change the tide - most people will fight just because they're bitches, i fight like there's a cause, something that actually matters on the line...this usually results in me doing "drastic measures" ultimately cutting off those other fronts high and dry. i'm an extremist, i know no mercy and will show none, i'll put everything on the line just to walk away with a "victory", even if it means losing everything in the process. my ego versus other's irrational attitudes. what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force...they disappear and i move on...

this is just the prologue...and i'm the narrator?










"see, the thing about me is, i don't save any for the swim back.."

Presentation of Self

the masks we don
whether it's put on by ourselves or others..

a presence perceived is a presence achieved....

i'm not even sure how to begin this blog, but it's been a reoccurring topic and something on my mind for the past couple of weeks now - just what is people's deal? ok, now that's way too broad of a statement, but what i want to know is, what's with their skewed perception of yours truly.

i think it all started a couple weeks ago with an online conversation with a former co-worker. i started the conversation, which is something i don't ever do with this person, but i wanted to know what was going on - recently she had asked that i request her twitter friendship so i could follow her once again, i guess in one of her drunk stupors she accidentally deleted me. so i obliged and requested the ability to follow which went unanswered for some time. when i asked her about it she told me she was having second thoughts about me following her and vice versa.

whaaaat? second thoughts about having me follow her and her follow me? did we just break up or something, i don't understand....i ask for some sort of explanation (also knowing that there is no legitimate reason for this foolishness) and i received a long line of bull. as it turns out, in her opinion, she felt that after reading some of my blogs and twitts that she did not know me.

she went on to say that the person she read about was not the person she knew at work - the one who quote, had life in the palm of his hands endquote. she went on to say maybe she was in the wrong, maybe i was always like the person who blogged but she never saw it, never really got to know me..maybe it was her own fault, she created this allusion and character that she needed..she put a cape on me and gave me a false name, Chad. she created me as how she wanted to see me.

i've always been this person who blogs the true horrors and pains of life..but also who celebrates when there are victories...life is a tragedy, all you can do is laugh. you know, maybe i wasn't the man behind the blog when she saw me...i had wet feet for the better part of the first year, fresh out of CP - and now i realize that's exactly what a new environment does to me, it evokes a raw form of emotions....i'm new to a place, a strange in a strange land if you will, and that high gets me more riled up than internet users and a newer version of some social networking site...

i suppose i do come out the gates running strong, ready to take on whatever is thrown at me with such a vigor for life - maybe more like an excited puppy to be in a new place, i think would best describe me. trying to take in as much as possible, trying to claim everything as mine, starting anew, clean slate, another chance to do it all again, but hopefully differently this time. and of course as time goes on, i lose the vigor, things fall into place, but not as i would like..and around that two year mark i get that too settled unsettling feeling that makes me feel like i am wasting away, slowly dying with nothing to show...so i pack up to start somewhere else, new, again..to feel alive once more hoping that this leap, will be the right leap, home.

i'm sure there will be some things to add to on this post, but that's all i got for now...









"No one knows what it's like, To be the bad man,To be the sad man, Behind blue eyes"

It's a New Year

new beginnings..
not really..

yay...a new year, a time for new...things?

so i brought in the new year a lot better than i brought in '08...granted it was not completely how i wanted it to be, but, a step up is still a step up, and that's all we need right, baby steps? i was with friends, i wasn't at work, i drank champagne, i had balloons fall on me, i kissed a girl at midnight, all things good, just one element missing really. speaking of kissing a girl...i think..i think that this was the first ever new years i've rung in by kissing a girl, a legitimate kiss and a legitimate girl

looking back i can recall countless times of me and a girlfriend supposed to be spending the end of the year together, but for whatever reason, through whatever arrangements, it's never worked out...'01 through '04 the bitch of an ex always started a fight with me and would purposefully not be with me on that time..this would later come to bite her in the ass in '06 when she tried to come down to btown and 'redeem' herself for years prior...i blew her off, it was unannounced and we hadn't spoke in a long time..it was just weird...that's not how a romance story begins...

ughh, sorry, off topic...last year i rang in the new year with douche tools in a restaurant bearing my own name, away from all forms of family or friends or lovers...i vowed to never work on NYE again, i'd take the hit to my bank account on that one and call it a night...i need to have some sort of normal life..

my new years day really consisted of nothing...i watched football games, felt bad to be apart of the big 10, built a gingerbread house, and just enjoyed the days off...i toyed with new years resolutions and sayings...what's popular seems to be "Fine in '09" - honestly i don't know what that means, i'm content with '09 as long as it is better than the year prior....a resolution i'm gonna try is, "being nice in '09" - we will see how long that lasts...especially after i already made a girl cry because i "put her on the spot" - whatever...i just try to help people, and its usually an awkward situation...maybe i'll stop being a better person in hopes to be nice...what a twist...

"Hoooouse"