I'm Only Happy When It Rains..

Well, not true...
I mean I like rain and all...

I only blog when I'm upset....

I have recently been accused of never blogging when I am happy, that I never write nice things about people, that my blog is a pit of despair....I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I guess it never really occurred to me, it's never really been brought to my attention before, and now that it has I'll naturally try to defend what i'm doing here...

Now I'd like to first and foremost dispel any rumor that I never post happy posts..never is such an infinite word and I never like to use it...sure happy posts may be few and far between, but there's most likely a reason for that...And no it's not the "my life is constant shit" excuse like you may be expecting to hear, however, it's the same reason why I hardly read books and such. I'm out living my life.

Now there are plenty of awesome stories about my awesomeness that have never been told on here. Why? Simply because I'm out living them. When I write it's a 'heat of the moment' type of thing. It's me writing, telling, exploiting these ideas and feelings for the first time. These manifestations are pure emotion, wrote at that time. I don't hang on to those feelings for very long, and get them out there as fast as possible.

When 'bad' or 'negative' things are happening around me, i'm more likely to be less active and just sit with those emotions. When positive activities or whatever are in my life, I'm out enjoying them to the fullest, not sulking around or sitting behind a computer screen.

This goes the same for why I don't read books. TJ always harped on me about why I didn't read that much, as you could always find his nose in a book. I told him I didn't have time to waste reading about other people's lives when I could living my own. I'll watch a movie because that's a couple hours or so out of my life I can deal with...but, I can't read a book in two hours..I don't have the attention span for that junk.

So when life is good I'm out living it..however, there is a flip side to my reason as well. As I explained to my friend, people respond better to tragedies than comedies. It's true. Sure, I love to laugh, people love to laugh, people love to feel good...but sometimes, those happy stories just make us more irritated with life. We see a happy ending and depending on what's going on in our own lives we attack it, we feel like those happy people are just rubbing their smug lives in our faces, we despise the happy story ultimately.

Tragedies on the other hand, allow a connection for people. People can relate to a sad story. People create a bond with the situation or characters based on personal events in their own lives. People's sense of loneliness vanishes as they realize others are struggling with similar situations as their own. Afterall, misery loves company. And for some, when they hear of a bad story they make a reflection on their own life, noting that maybe their own struggles aren't so bad afterall, and have a more positive outlook on their own life around them.

In a twisted sense, tragedies are actually positive stories when you break it down like that. I write tragedies not because I'm constantly depressed or anything like that, but rather because that's when I have the ability, the time to express my emotions in a passionate way.

That, and because it's cheaper than therapy....









"writing does for the mind what the moon does for the wolves..."

In the Forecast..

Cloudy minds...
bringing on the helpless haze

and no i'm not gonna start singing in the rain...

There's way too much on my mind to really even try to write a concise blog about one thing..so i give you the hodge podge that is my head right now. I can't even begin to try and wrap my head around one solid thought..everything is spinning a thousand miles a minute..trying to grab onto one of those blurs is seemingly impossible..i'm writing "literary filler", as i call it, to make it appear as if i am actually writing something...absolutely amazing isn't it?

I didn't get any sleep last night, and that's my own fault.. i can never walk away from a situation..i can never let it go til the morn' (or later)..i just can't do that..it's not me, it's not who i am, it's not who i'll ever be. I let my emotions get the best of me, i become fully immersed in whatever situation i found myself in. I allow myself to get all worked up to such extremes it's absolutely ridiculous.

This is probably the only time I ever truly panic. Heavy, increased heart-rate followed by faster breaths..stumbling over words and just repeating those words and phrases that actually do make their way out...any bit of sleepiness no matter how early in the morning seems to vanish and is replaced with bouncing around, trembling, and pacing...lord how i love to pace.

What sucks the most is that the condition only becomes worse as the seconds tick by because the situation is only getting worse...because the seconds are ticking by. I hate fucking up, I hate getting into disagreements, I hate having my feelings and emotions get the best of me..

i hate how my feelings for people can cause me to act like a fool...i don't even know where it comes from...I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy - only because that's what everyone always tells me - but i swear i can do some of the dumbest shit...and 90% of the dumb shit i do is caused by my feelings towards someone else. i get wrapped up in this..state of mind that any and all logic i once had is now gone, out the door...it's like my brain and my heart are in some old western movie and one of them says the classic line "well, this town ain't big enough for the both of us..." - and i don't know what my heart is packing, but my gosh does it always seem to win.

i hate this feeling...i hate most 'feelings', but right now, i feel alone....and not in any control - of course this is coming from the guy who has on countless times up and left everything on a whims.. I think what really brings on all these negative feelings and extreme dislike for everything right now is the loss of life, my life. I hate when a situation arises and i'd have the perfect whatever for it..but it's back in indy, locked up in a storage unit. i hate how everything i used to own, use, play with, etc is locked behind a garage door just sitting there - the metal coffin that houses what was once my life. And it's not just mere possessions in there, it's me..identifying qualifiers of who i am, or was rather...items that made me, me...

it's not materialistic, it's life..and right now i'm holding onto a very small fraction of that...i have no control of what's going on and that also creates issues within my world. i've never been one for structure, or authority, or anything of the sorts..i've always been an individual, done what i've wanted - Now granted, i'm not a law-breaking rebel who rapes, pillages, plunders or whatever let's get that straight - i've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer..my own drummer...

And I know I'm not alone completely..i have friends and family that are supportive, that i can reach out to should i need to (but never do)..why heck, this morning, as lights came on in the squad bay the devil dog to my right, admist rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted at me and asked if i got any sleep, to which i replied no, he then went on to say that he overheard me on the phone throughout parts of the night..then asked if everything was ok, if i was ok....other marines have read some of these posts and have inquired about my well being...so i know people care, i'm not trying to say or suggest for a moment that people don't...i'm saying i feel alone, god that doesn't make any sense, but there's no real other way to express it....alone and no control, that's my life

there's just way too much going on for me to try and make sense of any of it..normally i have a grip on most things, but again, i'm losing control in all aspects of my life...i can usually go with not being able to explain one or two things, mainly when it comes to love, but when my entire world is engulfed with questioning..when my entire existence, my conquests, goals, thoughts come under the scrutiny of having doubts and question marks i'm left with nothing to hold onto..the ground from underneath me is slowly giving out and i cannot make sense of my surroundings

is this what drowning feels like...










"I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run til I drop..."

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

Sleepless Nights

painful mornings..
..and a dark tomorrow

I hate feeling, this feeling.

And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.

When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.

Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..

These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..

Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the sabbath..like, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.

I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.

That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.

In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your life...so then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.

This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..

I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.

By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.

I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.

Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.

The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)

I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.

Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.

and she has been orphaned by indifference.










"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"

Something That Should Be Said

because nobody dares to question certain groups..
...because that would be racist/bigot/etc

something i posted the other day...


WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT MEANT AS ANY FORM OF DISRESPECT OR HATE...IN ALL ACTUALITY IT IS TO CAUSE AWARENESS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

That being said, please, do not comment if you're going to be a jerk.


I do not support the wearing purple thing that's going on today, not because it's about homosexuality, but because in a nutshell, it's ignorant. How many children get bullied every single day for various things: wearing glasses, eating glue, having a bad haircut - do you not think those kids don't commit suicide? End bullying altogether, not because some gay killed them self, but because bullying is bad in general. Care about the real fucking issue always, not when some minoritol group gets attacked..it's reverse discrimination when we start catering to people because they are different all the while neglecting everyone else..

but my point is this, when kids were getting bullied and committing suicide before, nobody gave two good fucks about anything...all of a sudden a homosexual commits suicide for being bullied and the world stops. So is the point we are trying to make is, ohh, i don't care if you get bullied or picked on for being different..unless that difference is your sexual preference (which, although is wrong, is still not a legal union in most of these states) We are trying to be sooo PC that we are really going backwards. It goes the same way for race. Example: White kid gets beat up by a black kid=whatever. Black kid gets beat up by white kid=hate crime...because we are putting these labels and causing these concerns we are only perpetuating the differences, the stereotypes, the hate.

I am not trying to be a dick about it, as my random bits thrown in would tell you how I feel about current legislation..but, I just feel it's very selfish on the gay community's behalf. The gay community has the month of June as gay pride month, usually (and intentionally) having the big parades on Father's Day - then they just had a day a couple of weeks ago, coming out day - to which i also made a comment about...

in a nutshell, there's no "i'm straight day" or "i like oranges day" - it's as though every bit of the gay community's life is being forced down our throats, to the extent and extreme as comparable to religious holidays

And sure, cyber-bullying is now largely popular..but again, where's the national awareness, the banners, T-shirts, or an anti-cyber-bullying day..again, there's not

Today is all about "anti-bullying gays" when it should be "anti-bullying" in general

picking people out of the crowd and singling them out, their issues, and trying to make us "all aware" only causes more problems..it's like saying, "don't press this red button"...somewhat. my point is, make this an anti bullying day instead of an anti bullying gays only day

if they want to be inclusive as a whole in society, they need to stop making groups/petitions/etc based on exclusivity. it's selfish to tack on the cause to every other little cause and call it your own.

Again, I in no way am trying to offend anyone with these comments, please understand that, I support you, but I also support causes that make sense while supporting the big picture without alienation or tacking on ulterior motives

my problem is within the community itself - it's like kids getting bullied is ok, but kids getting bullied deserves a special day...being straight and knowing it is fine, but coming out gets a day...soon it'll be like having cancer is ok, but being gay and having cancer gets a day or being gay and stubbing your toe gets a day.. i'm not trying to be a dick or cause more problems, i am trying to cause awareness that EVERYONE gets bullied and THAT needs to have it's day of support..without ulterior motives

Yes the gay community has a lot of hate thrown it's way by the government, the churches, etc but that movement to change all that is happening...now in fact. (Let me remind you that only 28 countries recognize Same Sex Unions.....out of 196. The US isn't the only pricks in the matter for all of those hating on the US..Lily Allen I'm looking in your direction....)

And the only mistreatment i see, is the fact that the LGBT movement keeps getting pushed down my throat "We're queer, we're here, we ain't going anywhere" i get it, i support it...but what i won't support is this media/holiday blitzkreig that has been going on. If there was a magic button I could press that would make people more ok with the LGBT community, make same sex unions legal, and make all this LGBT propaganda go away, I would push it in a heart beat. Everyone has problems, everyone has issues no matter what kind of person they are...women had to fight for rights, blacks had to fight for rights, and now the LGBT community has to fight for rights..i get that..i'm just really sick of the selfish propaganda as much as they're probably sick of the hate..the street goes both ways my dear...I'ma let you do your thing, just don't get in my face about it...

ever wonder why people hates the Jehova's witnesses...same principal.

To conclude, the recent suicides made national attention and brought awareness of kids being bullied. If everyone in every community would have seen this as an opportunity to end all bullying that would have been great. We could have had the "Anti-Bullying Day" and still worn purple in memory of the homosexuals who lost their lives that made us all aware of the extremes that is bullying. But wen you go an ad one little word into that day, it changes everything.

What happened with those kids sucks, what happens with ALL kids being bullied sucks. Instead of addressing the BIG picture of bullying as a whole, the gay community kept it an exclusive thing, and what I'm saying is I don't think that's right or fair. It's not fair to everyone else being bullied. Plenty of kids go through their lives, mainly in school, getting called names for things they have no control over. So what if they have glasses or red hair or whatever. the point is people are people, in the end we are all the same .

Bullying is wrong, domestic abuse is wrong, discrimination in all forms is wrong...

End the Hate.








"It's an objective observation, and I'm sorry that I wasn't swallowed up in the propaganda and wanted to stand for ALL equality and against bullying on EVERYONE."

See New Post

Click New Post
Write New Post

forget about the post as soon as you're finished...

ok, let's see how to do this...it's early, and by early i mean it's sometime shortly after i woke up, which means it's nine in the afternoon. there's a reason i don't write in the morning, errr when i wake up - it's because i can't think straight. all my thoughts are cloudy. i remember being back in school and teachers giving us weird statistics about why we were taking the ISTEPs in the morning, how our brains functioned better...i bet you if i were to take those damn tests at midnight i would have rocked out, but whatever.

there's a lot on my mind...just give it another 9 hours and i'll be able to say something, until then it's a big blob of thoughts...and over time it grows, it shapes, and in the end turns into something..

and i keep distracting myself, so this isn't even making sense...but i'm pushing through, i'm doing it, because that's just what i do..now i may not have much, but i have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet. some call it being stubborn, strong-headed, or just plain stupid..i just call it living my life...

alright, that's all i got for now....apparently i need to punch someone in the face for making this monday suck balls..and not my balls, i wished my balls were being sucked..then today might not be so bad....










"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost... the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is... I've always been a fool."

For my Sweets, on the day for sweetness

It's an oldie, but a goodie...
well, and oldie where i come from...

"So this is my post.....I kinda brought this post on now after a comment I made on my latest blogging...I'm not going to have very thorough thoughts here, please bear with me, it's late, I’m cold, and I never really put my thoughts together, besides when I’m driving my car and can't write anything down on paper...

so we all know the old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" well for the most part that is bullshit, I think most would agree with that....for those who haven't loved, they feel like they are missing out on something beyond great, well which is true.....they want the ideal that love is, which always isn't true. Love is a funny thing, it exists on movie screens and in the minds/hearts of many, but does it really exist like that..forever. If success ultimately turns into failure, cannot love ultimately turn into hatred, well maybe not that extreme....

god, not even 10 sentences into this thing and it brings me back to the beginning of senior year with the success manifesto chapter and the "Why I Suck" essays

But as I was saying, if we are to believe that love exists, we are to believe at the same time that it does not...Buddhist thought there for ya. love is the greatest thing, in it's purest form, love is powerful, has caused wars, fortunes, disasters, stories/movies/books, love is truly amazing...and to think, just as we are told as children, set high goals, you can do whatever you want, in the same breath we are reminded that there is someone out there for you, you do have a soulmate, a better half, your destiny....if that were the case, why then is there a gender gap in population? shouldn't there be an equal amount of males versus females...and if there is someone out there, are we ever truly going to meet them, what are the odds on that one, the earth is huge with many many people on it the last time I checked....

But let's step aside from that, those billions upon billions of people...most of us find the one they love early on, right next door, highschool sweethearts.................or do they? Well what I mean is, yes I agree when I say people do find the one they love early on, highschool sweethearts, yadda yadda yadda.....but generally speaking, what I am saying is those couples are their first loves. I took a random survey at target, amoung other places, and more than 75% of the people there were with their first true loves. But what does that say about love?

How is it that more than 75% of the people I asked met, on their first real try mind you, met up with their destined love, their soul mates, their ones and onlies......

Doesn’t that statement make you think twice about this phenomenon called love? It’s also funny how most of them don't really think twice about how lucky they were to meet up with their destiny without a soul enduring search around the world. So that makes me redefine this thing called love, at least for categorizing based on it's characteristics.

How does this love thing work? they say love is blind, and obviously is must make you blind as well, blind from seeing any other person to fit into your world, blind from seeing the other's foibles, blind from making wrong decisions based on love, blind from reality, a reality wherein real love is just a dream conjectured by the movie media and implanted in our heads to think we can achieve something as great as that.

Are people really in love with their first love, or is it just the lust for love, something to fill a void in their soul, to have a feeling of self worth. and are they coping with what is presented in front of them, taking the first road left, because their not sure if there's going to be another road up further ahead.

And for those who have had that first love and moved on, whether regretfully or not, they still love that first person to this day. So now this grandiose emotion has just taken another turn here. Of the remaining percentage I polled, all still loved their first true love. now the reasons for leaving their first love vary of course, no running theme or anything of that sort we can nail, the only thing that is ever-present in these cases is being blinded by love....whether they split up because one was cheating, one was harming themselves doing drugs, beating the other, they tried to stay through thick and thin, maybe left at times, but always came back, wanted to make it work, why, because they were in love.

I believe love to be all in the mind...if you don't believe in long distance relationships, staying true to the one you love after they've been gone for a lengthy time, love at first sight, all those sorts of things, then you don't believe in love, maybe really liking someone, but love is just some metaphysical idea, in several ways it's like utopia....you find a utopia in love, but true utopias are known not to exist, short lived communes based on communistic/anarchistic ideals maybe, but nothing long term. it's a heavenly thing made to help us get through each day, thinking that we could have a love like that, could feel like that, and for those who have never felt it's power, or have and it ended horribly, well the mere thought of not having it at that moment, missing out on all it's glory, well that's enough to make you not get through that day, or any others, unless it's from six feet under....

so bringing it all back to me, where does all this go...well, as I stated with the less than 25% polled, I’m gonna do what I have to do, she moved on, I have to accept that...but of course I will always love her, she will have my heart (which brings up another rambling on here later) you know, as cohen says, there ain't no cure for love..which is basically what I am saying, you fall in love, yeah the first, the first is always hardest, why, who knows, it just is, probably you're like the other 75% and think they are your destiny and were hoping to be with them forever...but since that isn't the case, and you put your whole heart into the affair, were completely blinded by love, you begin to wake up to the reality that is life and see that the truck is no longer in your driveway and you're left with more than just a broken heart, that blinding power love has usually caused you to lose more than your senses, be it pushing away friends like in Zach's case or whatever it may be, you're at a loss for more than what may have just left...

loving, or rather the loss of, is more painful than anyone should have to bear, do the wounds heal always, I don't think so, if they do, there are defiantly scars...but yeah, love will always blind me for one person, nothing can change the way I feel about her, she can do the worst and I would always take her back, some may say it's wrong, but that's love, it's a force that can't be reckoned with, once it has it's hold on you, I don't know if you can shake it, well I haven't figured it out yet....and because she never closed the door when she left, it will always be open, open for her to walk back in.....love is a crazy crazy thing....

Listen to the song, embrace it, love it, at least read the lyrics, it couldn't be anymore truer......there ain't no cure for love"

~Posted by Jangus on Thursday, October 02, 2003 at 3:45 am on his Xanga ~Re-posted by Jangus on February 14th, 2004 at 2:44 am on his LiveJournal

I Store Everything Up...

how am i not myself
how am i not myself?

i didn't sleep the best, but i'm not blaming anyone for that, i was just happy to have had a bed to sleep in. i kept waking up periodically through the night, i wasn't really tired, more of a hungover state, and a lot going through my mind as always. i was in a new place and my mind tries to take in everything it can, i'm like a puppy, way too excited...it didn't help matters that to start off the sleeping extravaganza i had one key and three doors to choose from, i got it right the first time thankfully. i woke up when Betty came rushing into her room a little after 10 to get ready for work, i would have left, but she told me to go back to sleep...i loved the dichotomy of our two characters, she probably went to sleep as late if not later than i, and here she is all bright and bubbly, and me, well, you all know how mornings treat me...

i think i go back to sleep, but who knows, i could have just laid there for the next two hours until i decided it was time to go. i hit up the post office on my way back to town, hoping there is another card with money in it from my paternal g'parents..no such luck, i'm happy with the first card though.

my next, and last stop in btown is my storage unit...normally i'll bring something down with me to put in, and i'll usually take something out as well...it's a nice even exchange, but this time i arrive empty handed...i will always make a stop if i am in town though...i never know what i may need and i never know whats in there...i don't like to spend a lot of time in the storage unit, in all actuality i don't even like going to my storage unit..i see it as a place where i threw my life when my life ended years ago...like so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions, i've bunched up my stuff and thrown it into a place not readily available to myself or those around me. digging through my cluster just reminds me of times long ago, i see items i had long forgotten all about. i remember the first time i took buttercup to my storage unit, she was in awe of all that i had, i recall her saying, "jason, if we ever get a place, we are all set, you already have everything we need to live, i thought you were joking" - the only joke here is that it's all in storage, everything.

i had the day off and i was in reality buying time, or killing time rather, both of which you can really do neither...i figured if i kept myself occupied in the storage unit, one of the several other people i contacted the past couple days would surely have time for me now..

i was in that storage unit for the better part of five hours, doing what i am not sure...everything that i did should not have taken five hours, but alas, it really did. i had something in me, so i started organizing the place up..it looked to appear that anytime i dropped anything off, i did just that, just dropped it off somewhere in the heap..and if i needed something, or went looking for something, it was all torn apart. today was my day to put it back together.

when i left CP near the end of '06 i put on my To-Do list to combine both storage units, the one in NWI and the one in Btown. At CP in '07 i knew that is was definitely a possibility given the knowledge of time and money from the previous year...but unlike at the end of '06, i did not take any break what-so-ever in '07...in fact i had three jobs in almost three states, with no days off..what a fool i was...

so here i sit, in my storage unit, rummaging through discarded memories held onto only to give myself some sort of past dimension, a dent in life so to speak, so as if when i die, i'll be remembered because of the stuff i have..not so much. we try to quantify things, give them a sense of purpose or meaning..could i live without the stuff in my storage, yeah, i'm doing it right now...it doesn't have much of an effect on me, and as i said before, i'm not even sure what is in there...and think, i have two of these units scattered across Indiana...now granted my other one is much smaller, but it is packed to the brim...it is also the cheaper one..but i wouldn't mind having an extra 30 bucks a month tell you what...

i really should combine the two..honestly...i just made all this room..well i guess that's why it's on the To-Do list, things i wish i would do, just never actually do because something stupid comes along

by the end i had two bags of trash and one paper bag to take with me filled with shit i just wanted to sort through....i found some of my old notebooks, or journals, with random tidbits here and there that made me giggle...i wanted to take them with me so i could sit and review some of the shit i wrote years ago and reflect, and probably wanna punch something..also something to note, in all those books i found at least one page where someone, a girl, and most recently the ex, had dedicated a sheet to tell me how great of a person i was or whatever..if only i could freeze frame that and see what i did then versus now...i'd probably be a better person...

after finding three notes and one card i yelled in my spacious box, "who the fuck am i? who the fuck was i..what the fuck?!" where did this person go..i heard all the time in '07 how my servers wanted the '06 jangus..how could a year had that much of an impact on me..did Hawai'i ruin me in some sort of way..i thought i was still the same person, i mean it felt like it, i still wore the same clothes, liked the same food, listened to the same music, even had the same ID...how the fuck did i change..

i remember asking people that all the time last year...the same people who wrote me those notes in '06 were the ones that were not fans of me in '07..what was so different....god i hated '07, i tried making everyone happy, and ended up pleasing nobody at all, and in the end, i was unhappy because nobody was happy. i even told buttercup to not get involved with me, forewarning her i was not capable of a relationship...

isn't it funny how we as people feel the need to protect others from ourselves...how many times has a girl used that line on me...how many times have i used that line on them....sure we may know ourselves at our worst to the fullest being the hardest self-critic and all, but who are we to stop someone from living their life? who the fuck are we to say, 'sorry no, i'll hurt you and i don't want that' you know what...that's fucking selfish...and you know what, you'll never get over that inability to 'hurt' someone else...and then you'll be hurting more than just yourself, you'll be hurting everyone.

after everyone made their excuses i jumped off the ledge pulling on the weathered yellow rope to assist down the large garage door to my storage unit. the door crashes to the ground making a loud noise and kicking up a bit of dust and dirt into the air. i slide the latch into place and maneuver the lock around to get it to stay. as the metal on the lock clicks i'm not only locking up my stuff, but i'm locking up memories - good times, bad times, times when btown and the people in it were something worthwhile...well, something to make me stay for two years..and something that makes me keep coming back....maybe it is just the memories.

"never is forever....forever, well that has limits"

Chapter B...

for breakfast...
this reads like a book

it's 555 am and I'm pulling into an alley to park my car - god i hate city parking, 2 hour meters, parking lots, all wanting exuberant amounts of money..nothing for free...the alley i park in I'm likely to get a ticket, the 20 minute unloading zone signs scatter the curb but don't properly label where to and from, so i use this as my escape goat.

it's too early to be at work right now the sun's still asleep, the restaurant lifestyle is not conducive to breakfast shifts. i thought the last breakfast I'd ever have to work was on the cruise ship, hell, that was the first time i realized there were breakfast shifts. For all you servers out there, thank your lucky stars you don't have to put up with this shit. as a reward for waking up on time i stop on over to the Dunkin Donuts recently constructed on the corner from my workplace. it in itself is a double reward made in part by my pastry selection, the much coveted vanilla creamed manager's special. very similar to the Bavarian creme filled, these on the other hand are chockabok full of a creamier , less gelatin inner..they are hard to come by because the store will only make so many "shells" as they are called for the day, and when they are put out, they fly off the shelves, there would be no chance of me getting any if i were to work a lunch shift.

i make the donut purchase and head into work, it's gonna be a long day but i try to make the most of it..like a drone i get right into the motions of brewing coffee, making bread plates, butter sets, the norm for breakfast; the other person who managed to pull themselves out of bed for this god awful shift takes sugar caddies out to the tables and sets up the patio...i like to keep busy so after the initial breakfast setup is complete i like to knock out the lunch pre-shift duties as well, gotta keep myself busy, gotta keep my mind off certain things...

the time nears close to 8am and i am winding down cutting lemons, i take this moment to pause and enjoy my breakfast, a donut and Gatorade, if America runs on dunkin, i got the Gatorade to replenish those electrolytes..I'm half way through my meal when i see Shelly come around the corner to tell me i got a table. Shelly's another body crudely brought into work this shift, she's a new hostess so she gets the ass end of the shifts, mainly the mind-numbing breakfasts...

i put down the pastry and take one more swig from the bottle..as i head on out to greet the table i check to make sure i am actually in uniform, wiping off the powdered sugar in the process..jacket buttoned, tie on, whoops, forgot my apron, no biggie..i pour water for the guest who has excused himself to the restroom, i gather that much without his presence from the fact all his belongings were still on the table, so i go back to the kitchen to don an apron.

i grab an apron from the stack and walk away, upon unfolding it i see that someone has tied the strings into a knot. i go to undo the problem, but quickly rationalize it is too early to fiddle with tossing it in the linen basket and go back for a second one..ahhh, much better, now back to the lemons. Servers have a sixth sense about them when it comes to the industry, it's like they have a built in sensor to let them know when their food is up, or when a table will need refills, or when a table is ready to order, pay, whatever, today in my case, when the guest has returned.

i slice some lemons thinking about my blog, what i am doing it for, what i wanna write, where the direction is going, all that shit..its not long before i decide to check on Mr PeePee. I turn the corner to see my gentleman just sitting down, perfect timing, i greet him, offer another beverage and he gives me his order..i go to the POS terminal and realize i have yet to clock in, great..there's a couple hours out of my life I'll never get back..

breakfast entrees are cooked relatively quickly, so i wait just a few moments, the order comes up, and i deliver the food..i return to the kitchen and continue where i left off on my pastry delight. my mind still wanders over the website, how i wanna go about it, even as i stand here and eat my breakfast I'm actually taking notes on the very thing you are reading. it's kinda exciting to have something back like this, also knowing i have a small fan base..i call them fans, you call yourself readers, whatever helps us sleep at night, and for me..well, i need a lot more than that.

those of you who have read the Waiter Rant probably will see similarities between his writing and mine - it's kind of hard not to assimilate due to the fact we are in the same setting, using the same forum...as soon as i start reading a book i spend the rest of time with an inner monologue, like i am narrating a book to myself, as if i am a character off the pages of a book...i guess it helps with the writing..

my moment of zen was interrupted by Shelly telling me i just got another table, another one top, he wants an orange juice and he's in a hurry. I greet him, pour him water, address i know he's in a hurry and ask for his order.

"How long does it take to get a meal here?" asks the gentleman
"Our chefs generally expedite the breakfast entrees in a prompt fashion" i reply half expecting him to now order the steak and eggs well done.
"well what about the waffle and pancakes, which is quicker" the man interjects
knowing it only takes three minutes to make waffles from my cruiseline experience i figure pancakes should be the same, "about the same time sir"
"well, what about this...yeah, I'll go with that, i just want something light anyways" the man says pointing to the Healthy Start option.
"Excellent choice sir, I'll have that and your orange juice out to you momentarily" i say, removing the menus and begin to trot off.
"Don't forget my juice" the man yells to me in the distance. i shudder. this man just broke a cardinal rule of being waited on, listen to your fucking server..not only that, but he ordered the one item i am in control of making.

Now instead of being a dick and invoking a little server revenge, i just want to get this guy his food and send him on his bloody way, less time with me makes me a happier me. i make up everything and head on out to deliver it, upon dropping it off i see that i got sat with my third table, another single. As i greet this guy i feel warmed up to him already, maybe the other tables were enough to get me going, we joke and it's light hearted, he order the waffles and i ring it in.

i go to the host stand to check on Shelly and read the papers...its the only thing you can do to keep yourself awake at this hour, conversations are minimal as everybody is still trying to wake up. my other two tables are ready to pay now and I'm still waiting on my third tables food..process the room charges, reset the tables, still waiting...i go to the kitchen and ask where my waffle is, i check the ticket to see the time of when i rang it in..10 minutes ago...10 minutes on a waffle...good thing table 2 didn't order that.

the restaurant clears out, our rush for the day is over..sure we're likely to see a couple more tables wander in, but the pop is over, as sad as that is. Shelly and i sit down to eat our breakfasts together. we talk about random things, still getting to know one another, standard stuff people talk about. i give her the quick run down on where i been and bless her heart she said i didn't look a day over 24..i still take it as a compliment. i know these looks won't last forever, i know the stress of my life is gonna soon catch up with my face - granted i may be a baby now, but the crow's feet are already settling in. i feel old next to her youthfulness, in reality its not much older, but in a developmental stand point it is...she's still gonna go through things and experience life, make bad choices, and age with wisdom. I've been there, I've done all that, not saying i don't have anything more to learn, I've just gone through the standard adjustments in life..age is only a factor when you're young..you put the two of us side by side in ten years, then there's no problem

this realization makes me think about my most recent relationship, why it may not have worked out...I've always viewed myself as being a lot younger than my actual age...25? no, more like 21, if that...granted i don't go out and party like a 21 year old, my mental state would make you think otherwise. and i partly blame myself for the whole relationship...sure she was young, and i thought i knew better than to get myself involved in a non-fullydevoloped woman, but i was made to believe that things were different this time.

it's funny how the older i have become, the more jaded i got as well, i think that's a standard related ratio comparison easily graphed for anyone. i would look back on a time when i was younger and love was blind, now i know why they say foolish young love...young love is the best and purest forms of love i have found to exist..it may not be based on the best facts or held together in the best way, but it is what is it, unbreakable (to an extent). how many of you still love your first loves, and how many are still with your first loves, exactly my point. i could get high off that shit - if you bottled it, you'd make a fortune...

There came a point somewhere after the Bloo move i wanted to go back to a time i beleived in love like that, where you'd do anything for that special someone, where you haphazardly built your world around the one you loved, back to a time of 'love in the raw' (hey, there's the marketing camapign name for youglove when bottled, a spin-off of Sugar in the Raw)...and then i thought i had a chance at that all over again with my last girlfriend. i moved, there was love, no mater how we each faulted we were both crazy about one another...but again i find out why they call it foolish young love as i collect yet another chip into my heart of stone.

Shelly scrapes the last bit of egg off her plate which jolts me out of my thoughts, she had been talking the entire time, or maybe i had, the last thing i remember telling her was about moving in with my ex-best friend's ex-girlfriend. there's a pause as she downs the last bite, then she turns to me and says, "everybody's smart, until they fall in love" We gather the plates from the room and clean up our mess, i go back to working on the lemons i left awhile ago. i hate working breakfasts

"The best pair of titties are the ones that are in your hands"

Do I Care?
..cuz i thought i did

but i suppose the real question is, how did i get left out, or let myself get out?

So i like to peruse the internet, it's becoming a friend of mine lately, and one of the many things i like to check out is facebook - who's not guilty of that? well i get the news feed - because i fucking like it! - and i notice something that seems a little off to me. i'm always seeing little news feeds about how this one group of my friends all comment on each other's walls, are adding pictures of each other, and planning events. these people i worked and partied alongside with at Cedar Point...we were a close nit little group, hell, my CP baby's momma and CP wife are in this group i'm talking about, but it seems as though my connections with the group have been cut. I can't explain it...i mean it's not like the distance thing is a factor, you got people from all over still talking and meeting up...

so it got me thinking...is this a bad on my part...did i not try to keep in contact with anyone...you know what, no, i'm not taking the blame for this...i've probably made the last contact with all those people anyways, i did my part, reached out my hand..if they don't wanna respond to it, to hell with them....

ohhhhh, which brings up another major pain i am dealing with....the lack of response from people i try and talk to...but i will save that for another day...

anyways, i've lost all my thoughts, and this wasn't very coherant, but i need to start writing again.....ughhhhh











"ughhhhhhhhhh"