Seoul-less

what defines you,
may not define me.

the blog about spirituality..

Apparently I don't show my emotions very well…and yet at the same time they are over the top as well - story of my life, being on both sides of the spectrum at once.

When I do have outbursts of emotions, those around tend to find them too intense, dramatic, over the top, etc…maybe they are just used to me not being..responsive. I tend to get excited at random things, quickly change emotions, whatever..it's just me and that's all I can really say. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say what I say, it's just the emotions speaking through me..

In other cases, people think i'm not sensitive enough..not showing the "proper" emotion or response for whatever said situation. I don't even know how these two are pulled off in conjunction with one another, but I do what I do.

I'm reminded of any concert I've ever gone to; specifically for this scenario let's use Muse. Muse is easily in my top five bands current, and in my top for bands of all time ("all time!" ~ Kanye). Now, I have seen Muse in concert on five different occasions, ranging from 2005 to 2011; and I always go on about what an amazing show they put on, the Pink Floyd of their time, etc. I've taken different people to go every time, and like a drug, they get hooked too.

However, each time I go, people question my love for Muse. They hear me days before the show, leading up to it how awesome it's going to be..they hear me talking after the show of how great it was, these aren't of concerns…but rather, what happens during the show is why they question it.

I guess you could say I play the part of the guy who was drug there and doesn't know who's playing. I stand there..i may slightly bob my head, i may smile, i'll definitely tap my foot, and i'll take pics/videos…i don't get all hyped up, I don't dance, scream, or go crazy like some people..i just register it all internally and live in that awesome moment..soaking it all up..taking it in..enjoying the bliss of it all. (Di-id you catch that…)

Now, if you don't recall or don't know me that well, I LOVE music…to me, music does for the soul what morphine does to the brain. When asked what I would miss during my three months at boot camp; iphone, internet, gf, whatever..my answer, without hesitation was, music.

Hands down music is a vital necessity to my life. I may not be able to actually play or make music like i would love, but despite those disparities, I still love music. It is able to cope with all emotions; happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc..music..music does wonders for me. And although I may not express it like someone else, music is a HUGE part of my life.

The same is true for God.

I may not go knocking door to door, stand on the corner preaching, or even go to church every sunday. I may not make every Twitter status update praising the Lord, or push my beliefs onto other people, or do any of that over the top stuff (and to be completely honest with you, I find all that stuff to be annoyingly fake).

My interpretations and teachings I've had all tell me the same thing; you don't have to let everyone know you're a Christian to be a good Christian. You don't have to be seen in church, you don't have to boast about to everyone about the Lord, you don't have to tell everyone the good deeds you're doing for Him..that's not what it's all about. Essentially, you're not supposed to be asking for praise while here on Earth..meaning, I don't need to tell you what I gave up for Lent every five minutes in hopes that you feel guilty you're not doing something, or to have you think I'm a better Christian, or whatever

I don't always go to church, but when I do, I don't throw my hands up in the air and scream out Hallelujah! I don't push my beliefs or insult other's views with my own, but I will speak of the Lord and reference the Bible to those who do believe. I may not do the things in that respect, I may not let it be known externally, rather it's all internal - like at a concert. Just as I am in the concert, in that spiritual nirvana that nobody else in the world knows about but me; I am the same with God..the only difference is, He also knows.

So just because it may not appear to be whatever you want it to be on paper, whatever you think the SOP is for loving God, obviously you're doing it wrong and better go back to check it out.

As T. Waits would say, I got my own special way..








"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30"

Happiness

A smile..
A feeling...

What is happiness to you?

This has to be a rarity - It's the morning, I've just woken up, I'm drinking water, and I'm about to blog, none of those fit the normal equation. (Mind you it's Superbowl Sunday and I should be out and about..) I've been meaning to write out some random stuff, but as I've always said, when things are good, what's there to write about? And then of course Thursday happened and by the time I got to the keyboard I was far too deep into my bottle to try and sort any buttons other than numbers on a telephone. But I will do my best to try and recap for you some of the events that bring us to now.

I suppose for the better part of two weeks now I've been in a pretty good state of affairs..it's funny how everything can be turned around with just a phone call. During these past two weeks, any woe that I was dealing with seemed to shrink in size; the stress levels were reduced, and work, well, that was bearable..

She was right, I am at my best when I am with someone else. For years I've always proclaimed that every man is and can be their very own island..that you should never build your world up around someone else's.. that you don't need self validation though some other's life. And while all this may very well be true, it doesn't necessarily work the best for some people, i.e. me?

What's even more striking is that a friend? ex-girlfriend once told me I cannot allow happiness to come from someone else..that I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy, that I should be able to make my own happiness...yet, here comes a different person in my life and says just the opposite - and this person is right.

My happiness is derived from being loved, wanted, needed, which is usually ascertained through someone else. Now granted I'm not saying any other person makes me happy, there were periods in my life, with girls whom I allegedly dated that I was not happy during so it is a case by case basis. In fact, I can only truly say that two, maybe three girls I've...can't say dated because one I never dated, so..known, that actually made me happy...all the other girls I had moments of happiness with sure, but nothing outstanding or prolonged other than that moment I created it.

Someone significant, someone else, someone important...It's my Bluebird of Happiness. Doing for others makes me happy, making others smile makes me happy, being there for someone makes me happy, having others rely on me makes me happy, making others feel a certain way (comfortable, whatever) makes me happy, hosting, being hospitable, lending a hand, the shirt off my back, trusting people, being trusted, making someone laugh, having a shoulder for someone to cry on, being that go to person..those are a few of my happiest things.

And like I said, it varies from person to person..I could list more things but then they'd be getting too personal and specific, so i'll just leave it at that. I was happy two weeks ago.

I miss that.








"happy happy joy joy"

I'm Only Happy When It Rains..

Well, not true...
I mean I like rain and all...

I only blog when I'm upset....

I have recently been accused of never blogging when I am happy, that I never write nice things about people, that my blog is a pit of despair....I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I guess it never really occurred to me, it's never really been brought to my attention before, and now that it has I'll naturally try to defend what i'm doing here...

Now I'd like to first and foremost dispel any rumor that I never post happy posts..never is such an infinite word and I never like to use it...sure happy posts may be few and far between, but there's most likely a reason for that...And no it's not the "my life is constant shit" excuse like you may be expecting to hear, however, it's the same reason why I hardly read books and such. I'm out living my life.

Now there are plenty of awesome stories about my awesomeness that have never been told on here. Why? Simply because I'm out living them. When I write it's a 'heat of the moment' type of thing. It's me writing, telling, exploiting these ideas and feelings for the first time. These manifestations are pure emotion, wrote at that time. I don't hang on to those feelings for very long, and get them out there as fast as possible.

When 'bad' or 'negative' things are happening around me, i'm more likely to be less active and just sit with those emotions. When positive activities or whatever are in my life, I'm out enjoying them to the fullest, not sulking around or sitting behind a computer screen.

This goes the same for why I don't read books. TJ always harped on me about why I didn't read that much, as you could always find his nose in a book. I told him I didn't have time to waste reading about other people's lives when I could living my own. I'll watch a movie because that's a couple hours or so out of my life I can deal with...but, I can't read a book in two hours..I don't have the attention span for that junk.

So when life is good I'm out living it..however, there is a flip side to my reason as well. As I explained to my friend, people respond better to tragedies than comedies. It's true. Sure, I love to laugh, people love to laugh, people love to feel good...but sometimes, those happy stories just make us more irritated with life. We see a happy ending and depending on what's going on in our own lives we attack it, we feel like those happy people are just rubbing their smug lives in our faces, we despise the happy story ultimately.

Tragedies on the other hand, allow a connection for people. People can relate to a sad story. People create a bond with the situation or characters based on personal events in their own lives. People's sense of loneliness vanishes as they realize others are struggling with similar situations as their own. Afterall, misery loves company. And for some, when they hear of a bad story they make a reflection on their own life, noting that maybe their own struggles aren't so bad afterall, and have a more positive outlook on their own life around them.

In a twisted sense, tragedies are actually positive stories when you break it down like that. I write tragedies not because I'm constantly depressed or anything like that, but rather because that's when I have the ability, the time to express my emotions in a passionate way.

That, and because it's cheaper than therapy....









"writing does for the mind what the moon does for the wolves..."

You Know You're Addicted to DDR When...

this is just sad..
because it's true

in light of my recent, long awaited purchase..much like this post

- You buy a pair of shoes / trainers specially for playing DDR.
X - You start taking a change of clothes with you to the arcade - So that you have a fresh T-shirt to wear on your way home instead of being drenched in sweat.
X - You only stop playing due to onset of cramp in your legs.
X - You carry on playing despite having cramp in your legs.
- When everyone else sings "Boom, Boom". You say "Mighty fine dollar" instead of "I want you in my room"
X - People think you have a stutter when you talk about the game.
- You dress in the exact same outfit like the characters dancing on the screen in the background all the time.
X - You have at least 10 mats for the Playstation in case one breaks.
- You steal the panels from the arcade and try to attach it to the playstation so you don't have to play with the controls or buy / use those crappy mats.
- You try to find all DDR on icq just to increase your icq list numbers and then brag about how you know all the DDR people in the world.
X - The local DDR arcade is now into the bottle water business.
- You ask your new boyfriend/girlfriend "Have you ever been mellow"
- The local arcade now has a private room with a DDR machine just for you.
- You vote for your favorite DDR song on your national top 30 song on the radio.
- Your personal ambition is to be a butterfly.
X - Your way of getting to know people is by dancing with them.
X - You dance on your hands.You have ripped 14 pants trying to street dance (playing with hands and feet)
X - You have, through MAJOR alterations, managed to make your DDR mat at home exactly the same as the one in the arcade... down to the plastic arrow your swiped from your neghbourhood arcade...
- You refuse to wake up from your sleep every morning to go to school, because you dream that you have eternal credits in the DDR machine.
- You find yourselve banned from your neighborhood arcade for spoiling 7 machines with your extreme dancing style.
- People at the arcade start asking you to change their money instead of going to the operators.
X - You dance on the 2nd side of the machine, while player 1 is playing his own, single player game...
X - Songs that you used to dislike are good now, since they were featured in DDR...
- You start to wear a white hat, one glove and grabbing you crotch a lot.
- When seeing an attractive women in high heels, your first thought is 'how can she play in those'.
X - At the arcade, you have more entourage than Madonna, Britney Spears, and Beyonce all put together.
X - You see arrows when you close your eyes.
X - You see arrows regardless of eyes open or closed.
X - You tap away steps on your fingers regardless of where you are.
X - You start doing DDR steps, in the middle of nowhere, regardless of where you are
X - You have important work to do, but load up DDR or Stepmania instead for a "quickie"
X - You can name any song on any mix, and sing along.
X - You know what Delight Delight Reduplication and Diet Diet Revolution are.
X - You had most/all of DDR Extreme on your pc before it even came out.
- You can remember the exact date when DDR Extreme came out.
X - You whistle DDR tunesYou have DDR ringing tones on your mobile.
X - You play DDR Music while you work on your PC.
X - You copy DDR Music to play in your car or on your mini/cd player
X - You have every single DDR game on your consoles
X - You are in love with one of the DDR background characters, and/or you can name them all.
X - You download DDR competition videos.
X - You have AAA'ed a Expert/Heavy song on the arcade machine.
- You have mastered all the songs on doubles on any level.
X - You only play DDR at the arcade, no other game is interesting enough.

so there you have it...sadly, I have been/am addited to DDR...wow









"This is the game where you use your feet....."

Endorphin High

in pain
but happy?

sooooo, i overloaded myself on endorphins and..i feel...great? go figure..i had the day off, granted it started less than five hours into my sleep with a phone call asking me to come in for a lunch shift...which i let the voicemail take care of...yeah i know i need shifts...but a lunch only...ughh, crap on that..i originaly thought i was being called in for a dinner shift, but that was not the case, so no phone call back to work was needed...

the phone call was good because it woke me up from a scary dream...almost repetitious like i had it before, but whatever..i was up for the next three hours before i finally fell back asleep on the phone cool.

230 rolls around and i'm back up..why do i feel like ass...ughh, maybe i shouldn't have fallen back asleep...it takes me awhile to wake up and get going..a long time in fact...but once the ball gets rolling i'm on a move...a little jerking off before i head out the door to get my blood flowing and start this day off right! from the apartment its over to the tanning place, which is conveniently right around the block...it's probably been a good month plus in which i havent tanned - i know you could tell by my appearance - so i figured its good to start 09 off right, right?

after the 12 minute bake it's off to the gym - where i start with a 20 minute cardio bike ride...now here's what pissed me off...i was biking at 100 rpms and my heart rate was somewhere around 125 - granted i was on the hill course and also on level four - but as i read the little chart off to the side it said i needed my heartrate to be somewhere around 160 for 85% and a cardio workout...so i say, ok..let's put the pedal to the..carpet, apparently there's carpet in here....so i get the rpm's up to 130 or so, somewhere to the breaking point..any faster and my feet are gonna fly off this thing...i look at my heart rate, 105.....wait what? how are my rpm's and heartrate inversely related...ughh, i hate this...

from the cardio it was time for my back workout...i don't even know what i'm doing...but i think i'm doing it wrong because of the pain i am in..i love to push myself, and i love to max out on my last rep...sooo, my back...hates me...

i make it back home and i notice a spring in my step...i'm as happy as a...whats a good analogy...a dick in a vagina...and i'm about to throw up....i'm calling my grandparents, sending kissy faces online, i'm just having a good ol time...and i stop and ask myself...is this a typical state for normal people? i mean, my angry every day attitude is the norm for me...sooo, is this how normal people feel everyday, just content with everything?

let's see how long it lasts...

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fly away - i'm content with that"