2013 Year

In..

End..

Reviews

It's that time of the year again, time to look back on all that occurred; the good, the bad, the whatever...Honestly, this may take me a bit of trouble as nothing too monumental seems to be jumping off the top of mind for the year.

January opened up the new year and I was living with Gary in, what really was, our dream spot for Cali.  I remember that first half of the year I struggled to keep my finances afloat because Gary could not keep track of his.  Paying for almost the entirety of the rent and add-ons I was forced to take cut-backs in my personal life...drawing out from my stocks, not taking trips like I had planned to do.

But that didn't stop a man that was nearly five-thousand dollars in debt to me. Paying for tanning (in california), private volleyball lessons, wetsuits, flights, amoung other random activities...His frivolous lifestyle and refusal to grow up, take responsibility, and not live the life for more than 2 minutes would ultimately be our dream's demise.

After consulting with our land lord we decided with all the bad events taking place at the condo - management singling us out for any "violation" they could come up with - we had decided to move out in May.  Gary for once took initiative and went out looking for apartments for us. He viewed some, reported back to me with eager eyes, but within 24 hours the mood would take a 180.  He came back to me telling me he took his old job back, and would be moving back to Indiana.

So all plans were scrapped and I was off to fend for myself.  Coincidence or happen chance played a big part and I was able to find a place to live - a coworker had a master bedroom available, with a garage, in a place close to where I first lived out here.  Everything fell into place, and I moved out mid-May.

Over the summer, I was able to cross off some things from my bucket list.  The San Diego County Fair opened and I was apart of the color detail.  This got me free admission for the day and some vendor vouchers.  So after the ceremony I left to return in the evening, where I would watch The Beach Boys live in concert.  It was a free show, and they still rocked.  It was just a cool experience to see people I grew up listening to and watching on Full House.

Right before that though I did see one of my favorite bands of all time (all time) in a very long day up in Anaheim.  What started in the morning with free tickets to the Angels Vs White Sox game (that I would scam to upgrade for better seats), would later turn into walking across the street to The Rolling Stones concert in the evening.  Of course then and there my luck with scalpers took its first blow.  The night would end with going to some random club and 'partying' with the band.

Other events that happened were two trips to the CG in Beverly Hills, the second to correct the first time's deficiency.  Saw Ashley Simpson perform in Chicago, also saw Kanye in concert in October, Moving Units and Hypercrush in November.

Made an impromptu trip to Indy in October to watch one of my friends from the Region get married.  I had realized I hadn't taken any trips up to that point this year, and I was tired of missing all my friends weddings for whatever lame reason..all that, and the fact I wouldn't be around much longer pushed me to take the trip.

Oh, yeah, I found out in July, confirmed yet not confirmed I would be deploying come next year.  Well, it bounced around, the slots were moved, my position from Afghanistan to Kuwait got jumbled around, and even when we thought everything was settled, we found out that the dates of January/February didn't apply to people going to Kuwait...Our date was in November...before Thanksgiving, before the Michigan/OSU game in Ann Arbor..before any holiday....

So once again, November would come to fuck me; this time, it was known in advanced, like knowing when you would be executed.

These details changed everything for me in 2014.  I used this an excuse to send the girl that was living with me back to where she came from, and I spent the remainder of my time reclusing. (it's a word, I made it up, deal with it)

So once again, for the fifth time in my life, I packed up everything and put it into storage - though since I never unpacked, it was all still sitting in the garage.  The period from September 2012 to May 2013 would be the first time since 2003 that I did not have anything in storage.  Less than a year.

My former bedside companion (I really need to get her a name) helped assist me in the moving process, and road with me all the way out to my grandparents, where I would store my car and say my goodbyes after a few days.  Then it was up to Chicago, though nothing was planned - i.e. movie, sporting event, anything like that - we were going to just be apart of the city.

The time in the city was wonderful - I think it was the longest time I've spent in the city since 2007.  From there it was off to Dallas for a couple days, back to Indy for two more, then over to Cali.

The final days in the states were nothing special.  I spent my time off work finishing the last classes I had, and spent many hours in P'Bread completing my last projects for the class.  In an odd way, it was like 2009/2010 all over again, but I was ok with that.

The vehicle that I thought propelled love, but only set me back was destroyed...as a symbol of something I'm sure, as it happened on your anniversary.

Mid-November the small group of us deployed to Kuwait, which is where I am now and will be for another year or so.  Nothing happens here.  We work every day, luckily me and my counterpart only work 8 hour shifts currently...but, it's like Groundhog's Day...same thing, day in, day out.

We went to The Avenues mall in Kuwait City on Thanksgiving, but haven't been back since, even though we tried to organize a trip on Christmas Day to treat ourselves.  Made two trips to the Embassy, one of those being tonight, New Year's.  It's one of the few places you can drink in this country, since it is a dry country....however that craziness works.

But that was my year. I don't expect much from 2014 either...

"it's not what happened, it's what didn't happen"

The Last of the US Posts

all..

coming...

to a close...

It's been a hectic last couple weeks...days...hours even; but time is one thing I learned that you cannot stop...and as time keeps ticking forward, I find my fingers feverishly racing on the keyboard..trying to keep up with the movement of the spinning hands.

The entirety of the situation started to hit me a few days ago...i started to notice my movements slowing down, everything was slowing down..I wasn't in a hurry, my motions, my body, even my beating heart all started to slow down as afflicted by a tranquil drink.

the world moved fast, or as fast as it normally does, it was me that was different I suppose. I can't be expected to act like it's not, but it's hard to uphold that image when you're asked be every contact you meet.

Maybe that's why I said I was ok, because I didn't want to face the facts..and the sooner I accepted my fate, the longer I would have til it happened..more time for worry, more time for stress, more time for pain...and nobody needs that.

These hours waiting in the airport, these uncomfortable seats jarring the reality into your back, giving you nothing but time to think about the pain, of it all.

I haven't posted enough in 2013, though, I should have.

"insert obligatory leaving quote/music lyrics here"

Ageism...

number..
numb-er...

The sensitivity to age

Now, as you all know, I'll be the first to chime in and laugh along with any sort of joke, whether it be sexist, racist, bigot, whatever stereotypical joke, the point is, it's just a joke and people need to learn to laugh at things...right? Anyway, the point is, it's not a joke or funny when people are discriminatory for real.

There are some who don't like black people, others are color blind; some don't like jews, others give out free hugs..I'm a pretty tolerant person, I'm understanding, I judge a person by what they make of themselves, not the characteristics that make them - i.e. they can't control what color they are, what height they are, etc.

I'd say one of the biggest factors I've turned a blind eye to is age. A person's age never mattered as to who they really were. I had to teach that lesson again today.

This afternoon I decided to make an early pass to the gym, I had a double workout schedule since I was absent most of the week, so I knew I needed more time. Bored with running on a treadmill - people hate when you try talking to them while you're running next to them - I decided to play a little basketball. I was the only one on the court for a little while until someone else walked in and went to the other hoop. After a few minutes of shooting around I yelled out to the other person if they wanted to play a little one-on-one. The other person was a little standoffish at first and hesitantly declined. I chuckled at the timid response and asked why not to which he replied that I looked a little older. Shocked at that answer I went into a rant, per usual, and it went something like this...

Older?! Well, sure..what are you in like highschool or something then? it doesn't matter..age doesn't define a person but on paper..it doesn't make me any better than you in basketball, it doesn't make you any less skilled than myself...i don't play on any college or pro level team, and i'm sure there's plenty of varsity highschoolers that could beat me..we are about the same size so there's no height advantage either way, so really, there's no immediate advantage either way..it's skill versus skill, nothing more, nothing less...

After that he was convinced and we played. While we played I continued to tell him the story of how I grew up in the southside of Chicago, during the Jordan era..when basketball was the only sport that was played. I had a basketball hoop right in the cul-de-sac behind my house, my buddies had basketball hoops set up in their driveway, basketball was played.

My best friend growing up, Tad, and I were a dynamic duo...when we played we were Jordan and Pippen. We played two-on-two like it was our job..sadly enough though, if you were to add any more people to the team the magic would kinda lose itself - that's why we could never enter the Three-on-three Gus Macker tournaments..but when there's limited amount of people you make due with what you have.

We played and would challenge our friends to try and beat us..we would see people walking down the street and we would ask them to play. Now the thing about growing up where I did, let me explain...we played during the day on the driveways, but right before dusk, a little bit before the streetlights went on, we played on the cul-de-sac....you see, the cul-de-sac was where everyone met up and played..and when I mean everyone, i mean, anyone...it was like moving up to the big leagues because that's where the older kids met up and played.

This is where I learned two lessons...One, this is where I learned it didn't matter the age of someone, it was whatever - even though some of those kids smoked, I wasn't influenced by them..even though they swore, that's not where I picked it up from..the fact that they were older had no bearing onto me..they were just people, we came together and we did our own things, together...the neighborhood was diverse, people were scarce, so any age was an appropriate age to hang out with..if someone wanted to ball, then so be it...

Sometimes we could get a 5-on-5 game going (which was awkward because this location only had one hoop) and sometimes the games consisted of less people. When the numbers were low, Tad and I stepped in to play 2-on-2 games with the older kids. This was the second lesson I learned, though it sounds like the first - and it kinda is- age didn't matter...Tad and I both liked to win, me being and only child, and Tad being a sore loser we were a perfect pair. We played our little hearts out, we wanted to win. It didn't matter if they were older, taller, whatever the case..we played, because that's what we were there to do.

Sometimes we won, sometimes we lost..when we lost we didn't use an excuse that it was because they were older or whatever, as pissed as we were, we knew were just weren't good enough, and had to play again...when we did win it was an accomplishment because everyone made it out to be a David versus Goliath situation..and we were excited because our skill showed through.

It's because I grew up in that neighborhood where at the age of 13 I was playing with twenty year olds down to five year olds made me who I am today. Where age was just a number that nobody cared about. Maybe our parents didn't want us hanging out with the older kids or whatever, but it happened, and I held onto the same morals and values I was raised with...it didn't make me a bad person to be around them, they were people too.

This trait has carried with me to today. At work I have a varying age of those around me...and I will hang out with them after work..some are 18, some are in their thirties, and I'm still me. I've dated girls both younger and older, however, the only relationships that ever get mentioned or noted are the ones with a girl that is 'drastically' younger..i emphasize the drastic because in all reality, it's not and people like to make mountains out of molehills...people tend to forget the girls that were a couple years younger than me or years older...people also tend to forget the statistic that shows men date, marry, whatever younger women...and how am I to blame in all this?

Whatever. Age is a number that gives us the permission to vote, drink, become president...age doesn't define the person you are, tell anything about your personality, or say when you are going to die..it's just a number...

and you're more than that.








"..and if i said i only dated girls born on Fridays, I'D be the a-hole..."

In the Forecast..

Cloudy minds...
bringing on the helpless haze

and no i'm not gonna start singing in the rain...

There's way too much on my mind to really even try to write a concise blog about one thing..so i give you the hodge podge that is my head right now. I can't even begin to try and wrap my head around one solid thought..everything is spinning a thousand miles a minute..trying to grab onto one of those blurs is seemingly impossible..i'm writing "literary filler", as i call it, to make it appear as if i am actually writing something...absolutely amazing isn't it?

I didn't get any sleep last night, and that's my own fault.. i can never walk away from a situation..i can never let it go til the morn' (or later)..i just can't do that..it's not me, it's not who i am, it's not who i'll ever be. I let my emotions get the best of me, i become fully immersed in whatever situation i found myself in. I allow myself to get all worked up to such extremes it's absolutely ridiculous.

This is probably the only time I ever truly panic. Heavy, increased heart-rate followed by faster breaths..stumbling over words and just repeating those words and phrases that actually do make their way out...any bit of sleepiness no matter how early in the morning seems to vanish and is replaced with bouncing around, trembling, and pacing...lord how i love to pace.

What sucks the most is that the condition only becomes worse as the seconds tick by because the situation is only getting worse...because the seconds are ticking by. I hate fucking up, I hate getting into disagreements, I hate having my feelings and emotions get the best of me..

i hate how my feelings for people can cause me to act like a fool...i don't even know where it comes from...I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy - only because that's what everyone always tells me - but i swear i can do some of the dumbest shit...and 90% of the dumb shit i do is caused by my feelings towards someone else. i get wrapped up in this..state of mind that any and all logic i once had is now gone, out the door...it's like my brain and my heart are in some old western movie and one of them says the classic line "well, this town ain't big enough for the both of us..." - and i don't know what my heart is packing, but my gosh does it always seem to win.

i hate this feeling...i hate most 'feelings', but right now, i feel alone....and not in any control - of course this is coming from the guy who has on countless times up and left everything on a whims.. I think what really brings on all these negative feelings and extreme dislike for everything right now is the loss of life, my life. I hate when a situation arises and i'd have the perfect whatever for it..but it's back in indy, locked up in a storage unit. i hate how everything i used to own, use, play with, etc is locked behind a garage door just sitting there - the metal coffin that houses what was once my life. And it's not just mere possessions in there, it's me..identifying qualifiers of who i am, or was rather...items that made me, me...

it's not materialistic, it's life..and right now i'm holding onto a very small fraction of that...i have no control of what's going on and that also creates issues within my world. i've never been one for structure, or authority, or anything of the sorts..i've always been an individual, done what i've wanted - Now granted, i'm not a law-breaking rebel who rapes, pillages, plunders or whatever let's get that straight - i've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer..my own drummer...

And I know I'm not alone completely..i have friends and family that are supportive, that i can reach out to should i need to (but never do)..why heck, this morning, as lights came on in the squad bay the devil dog to my right, admist rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted at me and asked if i got any sleep, to which i replied no, he then went on to say that he overheard me on the phone throughout parts of the night..then asked if everything was ok, if i was ok....other marines have read some of these posts and have inquired about my well being...so i know people care, i'm not trying to say or suggest for a moment that people don't...i'm saying i feel alone, god that doesn't make any sense, but there's no real other way to express it....alone and no control, that's my life

there's just way too much going on for me to try and make sense of any of it..normally i have a grip on most things, but again, i'm losing control in all aspects of my life...i can usually go with not being able to explain one or two things, mainly when it comes to love, but when my entire world is engulfed with questioning..when my entire existence, my conquests, goals, thoughts come under the scrutiny of having doubts and question marks i'm left with nothing to hold onto..the ground from underneath me is slowly giving out and i cannot make sense of my surroundings

is this what drowning feels like...










"I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run til I drop..."