Jinxed?

something's strange..
..and it don't look good

the spot that makes things go away

So I am coming to terms that I have yet another curse, if you're unfamiliar with any of my other curses, well...damn, I haven't wrote about them..that would have been the most opportune time to insert a link all up in your face about it...ok you got me.

This time the curse involves a little device called, my iphone. The problem area: the fourth position down on my "favorites" call list. I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but, whenever I add a name to that spot, shortly there after that person is removed from my life.

It ranges from such extremes as deaths, to breakups, to someone not having time for me...but whatever the case may be, as quickly as they are put into that slot, they are removed just as well.

It's happened so often now that, when I feel as if someone's number is worthy enough to go into my "favorites" section I hesitate, come up with reasons as to why they are not "special" enough to go onto that stupid page...just because I now fear for the worst.

obviously is someone is going onto my favorites page, or is up for consideration of such a prestigious honor, it's because i talk to them a lot...and if i'm talking to them a lot, then that signifies there's an established relationship, a connection, something that makes them standout from the rest....it's like being top five of your class..ohhh the wonders of being in my bubble.

but with this slot now cursed, i do not want to put that relationship into jeopardy just because for the convenience of having their number in that spot. But over time, by popular demand, getting enough signatures on petitions, passing through both the house and senate all with a majority approval, the earlier vetoes and roadblocks are overcome and that number gets a spot onto my favorites page..the fourth slot.

Why don't i just add someone I don't talk to onto spot number four and keep them there, thus saving all future numbers by sacrificing some random loner number....that'd be like trying to pass off a prostitue as a virgin to the gods, they know better and the wrath that would be endured is unimaginable..we're talking fire and brimstone here people! it's written somewhere in the scriptures...look it up!

What about if i were to put my own number in slot4?! oh god...that'd be like crossing the streams...and crossing the streams is bad...like all life as I know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in my body exploding at the speed of light. but that's kinda heavy...aren't there other scenarios.... maybe it would put me into shock and Id simply pass out. Or two, the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

So, I don't know what to do, how to handle it for all future applicants...do I get it blessed? exorcised? what?

y'all think i'm crazy, but this is true life...alright fine...i'm crazy









"Cursed are those who create suffering and sin..."

Urrrrrrgh

i want to write something..
..but all i can do is this

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"sometimes the worst feeling is knowing that even though you gave it your all, it still wasn't enough"

Blowjobs

girls don't know,
but they think they do...

time to set the record straight.

Dear Girls, you do NOT give the best blowjobs ever, end of story...no no..don't give me that bullshit, "well every guy i've blown has said i'm the best" Does that not give it away right there?! or does your super inflated ego block the obvious from showing through...

this is my issue...every girl i've ever talked to about blowjobs claims to give the best blowjobs ever. I know this to not be true and somebody needs to set people right. I've had my share of blowjobs, i've had one girl who was consistently decent, other than that they are less noteworthy than what I happened to be wearing at the time.

Girls, your blowjobs are not the best ever. I think it's kinda funny that women will call men liars about everything, until it comes to sexual related things. "all men lie about where they were, why they were out so late, who they were with, etc.." but they would never lie about your performance in bed...never.

Wrong.

Men lie about it so you'll keep doing it. Women are really super sensitive when it comes to issues of sex and most have complexes over their body, performance, what have you. Even the most mild conversation in any attempt on correcting a procedure will only amount to an argument, crying, and the threat of never doing it again because "they only do it wrong" in our eyes.

So men created this scheme after going down that troublesome road, just tell them they are great so we can still get a half-assed bj in hopes that it will eventually get better.

when you were in kindergarten and your teacher and your parents all were soooo proud of your little drawing, said you were the best, hung it on the fridge..didn't that feel good? it made you want to continue with your life, essentially..but looking back at that drawing now, you realized all those people lied just to keep your spirits up.

Women are children.

The only difference is, women never grow up and look back to see that their bj's really were not that great - they take their men's word as gospel and brag about it to their girlfriends and potential men later in their life.

no man will say the truth because, even though as bad as it is, it's something, and we do not want to lose that...well, i tell the truth

short story: One time long ago, this girl kept bragging all night about how she couldn't believe that i've never received a good blowjob, and how she gave such great head. So later on in the evening, i put her to the test. I won't go into detail of the variables that automatically disqualified her from giving me a great blowjob, but in the end, it was "meh". As she finished she gave me a cocky look saying "well?" to which i respond, "yeah, still have yet to get a good blowjob"

Yes I came, but the ends does not justify the means...just because I came does not mean it was a good bj - for the record I forced myself to come just to make it end. And I can hear all your whinny little protests from here, but I'll have none of that! Cumming does not equal amazing, a warm bagel can make me cum, that doesn't mean that's how i'll eat all my sandwiches.

I already know I'm going to have a part two to this blowjob topic, the next covering techniques, formalities, and so forth...this was more of an informational/setting the record straight post

let me state this to clarify, I'm not saying no girl can give a great blowjob, I'm just saying, bitch, you probably ain't the best...so to avoid humiliation and me losing all respect for you, don't say yous the best, says yous good, but not the michael jordan of sucking cock

everybody sucks cock differently, every cock likes different things...if you were that good, he'd still be hanging onto you now...just sayin'










"Girl, yous like Frosted Flakes, cuz you're Grrrrrrrreat!"

The System

I used to believe..
..but not anymore

it only protects those it shouldn't

I used to believe in working things through the set designed course-path, the system; but no longer...I forgot to add in the element that people could lie, even under oath. This Wednesday I went to court for my dog, a dog I purchased, loved, cared for, and had to temporarily let him go...all because some dumb bitch would not give him back. She lost me so she took the one thing I had in my life that I cared for, more than her, more than anything else, my dog.

Prior to any court dates, anybody who heard of the story has shown a general dislike to said girl, and told me to just show up to her doorsteps and take my dog back. I responded with that's not how things work, obviously there is a system in place for these reasons, I will go through the necessary hula hoops and get my dog back that way.

I figured if I go to court, tell my side, what more is there to it? Oh right, I didn't add in the fact she's a fucking lying bitch...my bad. So I have to go to court, on her grounds, with her daddy acting as her representation, in a place where he's on the board or chairman or some political shit like that...even though I was the plantiff, it was definitely an away game.

As she was called as a witness I was disgusted by the rehearsed dialogue spewing onto the courtroom floor. Her daddy holding her hand, guiding her words as he asked the questions for responses he already planned out. When asked by my friends why didn't I just lie, I said because the truth was better than any lie I could ever come up with, at least on my end.

The judge too was not on my side, not wanting to hear the story, only taking in what the defense said, disregarding half of my evidence I gave up midway through my fight. I kept my composure all the way up to one point where I finally had enough of the lies and could not take it any more. She gave a rehearsed legal term as to why she was withholding the dog from me and I burst out a loud "NO!" to which of course the judge said something to me about.

I came with a plan of attack, I had my documents, my defense, my truths...but I know it wasn't enough to match the evilness of lies told by the defense. I'll receive a judgment in 4-6 weeks, and frankly, I'm not looking forward to it. I do not have time to drive 10 hours round trip to play lawyer and have people make a mockery of the legal system using loopholes and lies.

I know she will read this, she still cyber stalks me, and I could not care less what she reads...I'm sure she'll use this against me in court too...or maybe sue me for defamation of character because I called her cunt, what the fuck ever.

I don't care anymore. I lost my dog to a person I entrusted him with, that was my mistake...and the cost was realizing that people will do great things out of spite, the cost was realizing that the person you thought you knew was a spineless scumbag reserved for the deepest depths of hell, the cost of my innocence that the system worked for good, not bad.

I never got a chance to tell her fuck off, so here it is now.










"he made me out to be a Michael Vick dog hating bastard...yeah well I fucked his daughter...in the ass"

Girls

all I really want is..
...nope, not gonna say it

who the fuck have these people been?

Honestly, looking back at the bitches I've dated/had relations with, I'm only left to ask, why? How is it one of the most picky people in the world allows such fucktards to enter the bubble.

As I sat in a court room across from one of the most socially inept people I've ever met, I wondered, what the fuck was I doing with her? That little blurb right there should be a key give away for me to move onto someone else...socially awkward, not in the good sense, then how did I deal with that? And that's just the tip of the iceberg with that one...I could go into details about her looks and make me come across as shallow, but honestly - I'm one for natural beauty, and I made the mistake of catching this bitch in her natural state..I remember telling her to fix herself up and never letting me catch her again like that..

Yes I like looks, that's fucking natural people (unless you're blind), you use the senses you got..what looks better a lamborghini or a mini cooper (I swear to god if someone tries to defend a mini cooper I'm gonna explode) So naturally I am attracted to what my eye is attracted to, survival of the fittest, look it up. Now I will say that the stereotype that guys like blondes and yada yadda yadda does not really apply to me..like I stated earlier, I like natural beauty...someone who doesn't need to cake on makeup, someone I can wake up in the morning next to and smile (ahhh, redemption)

I learned this awhile back ago, in fact, it was when I was at Michigan. I was dining with a group of friends at bursley hall, the cafeteria (best cafe food on campus) and a group of girls walked by to which my comrades starting commenting on. Everybody honed in on one girl in particular...the blonde. As everyone made their comments I kept silent...which was heard by the group prompting them to direct questions to me. I remember bits and pieces of my response, which I've used over the years since that moment, and even in the paragraph above mentioned it. "you see the blonde right, well the friend to her left, the one with the brown hair...she's the one i'd take" i get weird responses but go on to explain that she's naturally the better looking one, she's the one i could wake up to every morning and still see beauty and...i continued and by the time i was finished the guys all gave me an awww, assholes.

Regardless, I'm just trying to defend that i'm not as much of a prick as I may be coming off or you think I am.

Another girl had the looks, had the tits, but that was it. Sure eye candy is sweet on the eyes, there are many things that matter as well. If a girl is dumb, what's the fucking point? (at least in my opinions and my desires) If a girl tells me she never understands what I am saying because either A) I talk too fast or B) Uses big words that she doesn't understand I think we may have a winner, err, loser depending on how you look at it.

I'm asking for a girl who can keep up with conversation, offer her own input, has a mind of her own...but not be too smart...there's the key....you get some bitch who thinks she's smart (like all women) who actually does have some brains, then you're dealing with a "perfect storm". A bitch who is smart only magnifies their bitchiness and I do not have time for that.

No intelligence, no social skills, high Ph levels, no morals, I mean I could go on for days about all the miscues the women I've been with have had, that I've foolishly let in but that would be a bummer. Is this all my fault? Do I love getting to know people, challenging them, pushing their limits, making them better so much that I lose myself along the way. In the process do I fall in love with these people because it's real, or because I believed in my own propaganda...or is it because love is a fictitious state of mind...

If BTTF has taught us anything, it's just that, love is some made up state of mind and you can fall in love with virtually anyone at any given time...and that really challenges the cliche valentine's day meaning of love. Soul mates? Nah, just whomever my daddy hits with his car will be fine. Why do we try to make it out to be more than what it really is...I'm not condemning society's view on love, rather..well, i'm bitch slapping it in fact.

Now i'm not saying you can settle down with just anyone, I've tried that..it doesn't work. I've tried to find a girl who could put up with me, who loved me, who whatever...but I've found that in those situations, when most of the weight is being carried by the other, I lose interest. I had a girl who wanted to be my sugar momma, I could be the stay at home dad, it was perfect..except her. So even given the ideal situation, it wasn't what I wanted.

Like I said, I'm picky...maybe too picky, yet not picky enough at the same time. Annoying voices, distance, drama, ill-fated relationships, whatever the case may be I still step up to the plate for them...

I know I can fall in love with anyone at the drop of a hat...but I want it to be real










"I wanna go balls deep in her..i mean like..you know, I wanna go further than balls deep, i wanna go so deep it starts sucking me in like a vortex, breaking my back in half just to get deeper…that's how badly i want to be inside her"

Move-ember

there's something in a sunday...
..that makes a body feel alone

In Memoriam.

I was wondering what I was going to do today, and looking back upon it, I realize that I'm still trying to figure it out. Last night, err, this early morning we rolled back our clocks, which means an extra hour of sleep, unless you're me...For whatever reason my body just knows about DST and laughs at my thoughts of getting an extra hour of sleep - instead, it has an extra hour to keep me up..and ponder.

I'm doing my best to write, honestly. While I'm away from my computer a thousand ideas and topics rush through my head...rush so rapidly that I cannot grasp onto them when the time is appropriate.

So to kill two bluebirds with one stone, I am writing write now...it would be what he wanted I feel.

It's November now, so all creativity has fled my mind only to leave a vacancy for numbness and sorrow...the inevitable and much dreaded November is upon me, and while I look to the very near future for some sort of light at the end of the month, I am haunted by the past.

You can call it a self-fulled prophecy because my eyes are only fixated on the rear view mirror of my life, it's hard to overcome obstacles in your head when you never learn how to get around the roadblocks you yourself put up.

Why do we as people choose to go down the same disastrous road time and time again - is it that we are just products of habit? Even with the knowledge of the outcome, does it just feel comfortable? Are we trying, maybe hoping, to correct the wrongs from all previous attempts - in one of those self-sacrificing, say hello to my little friend, balls to the walls knock me down 7 times and I'll stand up 8 displays of detrimental dedication?

I suppose it must vary from person to person, as for myself, I suppose I'm still trying to figure that one out. When do you say enough is enough and give up, and when should you keep trying? All our lives we are fed these conflicting bullshit lines of hope, that really don't amount to anything and just contradict one another. They'll say a winner never quits in the same breath they say know when to walk away.

In the end it's all about the bloody outcome...if you continue over and over and finally achieve your goal, you'll go down as a stupid footnote to some cliche line about overcoming adversity...and conversely, should you never obtain that goal you'll be Moral Number 77, quit while ahead.

If at first you don't succeed try and try again, unless that is you're trying the same thing over and over again...then you're just insane.

So I'm preparing for this November, or Move-ember, or Mo-vember as people call it now - growing a mustache to support testicular cancer awareness - I like to mesh the Mo with Moves and testicular cancer with cancer, so it's Move-ember to me..all encompassing.

So there you have it, I'll see you at the cross-roads.











"To anyone I've ever met: I'll see you all again after our long journey to the middle."

You're Outta Here!

because you're a jerk...
..and so is that guy

The story of my ejection, yes, ejection

No, not ejaculation, there is no typo here, this is about my ejection from our football game on tuesday. Finally in five season I got my first ever ejection from a game, which also means I am suspended one game as well. Kinda harsh considering exactly what I, well we, were ejected for.

I knew my time would come, but I didn't think it'd be this season, heck, after the first two seasons I thought my time had passed, but apparently it did not. You see, as a player who is rushing the QB, for some reason there builds a riff between you and anyone that stands in your way...maybe not necessarily on the rushers part, I'll put blame on the other guy, naturally.

Inevitably when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, some crazy shit is about to go down. Here you have a guy rushing from a distance of about five yards at full speed into a guy who's been set in his position since the team lined up..shit's gonna happen.

tonight, however, had a build up, be it a quick one, it also had a quick ending. The play prior is the starting point for this, and in a matter of that one minute, enough tension was build, tempers flared, and you got people getting tossed out by the refs.

So on the previous play the opposing teams QB ran with it, up the right of the field and everything started to bottleneck. One of my teammates while chasing after the QB, stumbled, slid, and fell into the quarterback from behind. Instantly the other QB starts bitching about being tackled so on and so forth..to the point where even the ref told him to be quiet. I of course defend my teammate, saying it was an accident, obviously, and just basically man up. My teammates do not throw intentional hits like that. So as he gets up, he starts talking shit to me..mentions something about tackle, to which i respond saying if he wanted to we could go outside and play tackle, I've got two guys on my team who went to college to play football...and all i ever hear from those two is why they cannot tackle in this league. He mistook my retort as some sort of wanting to start a fight, and continued to talk. By this point both teams were lining up and I could no longer hear him. I asked the QB if he was still talking shit..of course I could hear noise, just not make sense of it. Then I told him to get the dick out of his mouth and play some football...of course the ref was within earshot.

the following events are incredulous. Hike was shouted and I took off from my corner position running straight in between two wide receivers, who were coming at in full sprint - the fierocity in the nature of running like that through me off but i stayed my course, veering onto the left shoulder of the innermost receiver. As I passed him I gave him a "chip block" as it is known in the game, just a push or nudge to throw the other person off as you run your route. For me, i open-handed (this is key) pushed him with my left arm and made my move to the QB. As I approached, the center was already engaged with the other blitzer so I was on my way to the QB, or so I thought. I watched as he cocked back his arm, looking downfield, about ready to make a throw. At that moment i jumped in the air in hopes of at least tipping it, little did I know the QBs intent. The moment my jumped reached it's apex the QB turned and looked right at me flying through the air. He then hurled the pass right towards my midsection, luckily, i had enough of time/reflexes to stop the ball from hitting me in my most sensitive of areas.

As I landed and the whistles blew, a very discerning sense of unsportsmanship engulfed the field. I was just starting to call out the QB for the intentional ballpunch to my nuts when the receivers, whom i passed, were charging back to me. Their allegations went from me punching them as i passed to me throwing an elbow to god knows what. This moment is a blur to me and so it's hard for me to give an accurate depiction of what really occurred.

I remember my team running up and getting in between me and the other team, even though I was walking away, ready to get back into formation. I did stop at one point to turn to the team, but only because I was getting yelled at and I wanted to calmly address them, honestly! The other team were all over the refs yet again and that's when they decided to toss me and one of the other players. I really don't remember who it was, it wasn't the QB, i think it was the receiver i pushed on my way by, but who knows. The ref came over to me and told me i was gone, all i did was look at him and say ok.

As i made it back to our bench, starting to undress, the other team's person who also got ejected started to make his way over, opening his mouth, asking me if i wanted to still 'take it outside' Once again my teammates who were on the bench with me got up to get in between. Me, well, I could care less..I really didn't 'start' a fight, wasn't looking to fight, i just wanted to play.

I changed itno my street clothes and walked away from the bench and playing field. I preoccupied myself with a younger kid tossing a football to himself. He proved to be a good distraction as chatted it up playing catch. The one instance I turn back to see how the progression of the game was going, I see our big guy bullrushing their center. A warning was given to us and I was about ready to call the game at that point.

There's no sense in needless anger. It's a game, tempers will flare, I know this..I play to win! but when it comes down to it, we all have our own lives and real jobs we have to go back to in the morning. Had the main ref been near my bench when the bullrushing occurred, I would have told him to just end it, i don't care how close we are to pulling off a comeback, just end the game...it's not for fun anymore and somebody's gonna get hurt.

but that didn't happen, and things calmed down a little. We still ended up losing, i didn't shake hands as i wasn't allowed near the field, and i apologized to my team for letting them down by getting ejected for standing up for them.

I talked with refs and organizers after the game, then my team as a whole, escorted me to the parking lot. We function as a team; we all look good together, we all look bad together.

and my hand hurts like a mother....

"*in the parking lot looking at my hand* You know, if these marks here are teeth imprints..maybe i did hit him in the face..."

Something That Should Be Said

because nobody dares to question certain groups..
...because that would be racist/bigot/etc

something i posted the other day...


WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT MEANT AS ANY FORM OF DISRESPECT OR HATE...IN ALL ACTUALITY IT IS TO CAUSE AWARENESS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

That being said, please, do not comment if you're going to be a jerk.


I do not support the wearing purple thing that's going on today, not because it's about homosexuality, but because in a nutshell, it's ignorant. How many children get bullied every single day for various things: wearing glasses, eating glue, having a bad haircut - do you not think those kids don't commit suicide? End bullying altogether, not because some gay killed them self, but because bullying is bad in general. Care about the real fucking issue always, not when some minoritol group gets attacked..it's reverse discrimination when we start catering to people because they are different all the while neglecting everyone else..

but my point is this, when kids were getting bullied and committing suicide before, nobody gave two good fucks about anything...all of a sudden a homosexual commits suicide for being bullied and the world stops. So is the point we are trying to make is, ohh, i don't care if you get bullied or picked on for being different..unless that difference is your sexual preference (which, although is wrong, is still not a legal union in most of these states) We are trying to be sooo PC that we are really going backwards. It goes the same way for race. Example: White kid gets beat up by a black kid=whatever. Black kid gets beat up by white kid=hate crime...because we are putting these labels and causing these concerns we are only perpetuating the differences, the stereotypes, the hate.

I am not trying to be a dick about it, as my random bits thrown in would tell you how I feel about current legislation..but, I just feel it's very selfish on the gay community's behalf. The gay community has the month of June as gay pride month, usually (and intentionally) having the big parades on Father's Day - then they just had a day a couple of weeks ago, coming out day - to which i also made a comment about...

in a nutshell, there's no "i'm straight day" or "i like oranges day" - it's as though every bit of the gay community's life is being forced down our throats, to the extent and extreme as comparable to religious holidays

And sure, cyber-bullying is now largely popular..but again, where's the national awareness, the banners, T-shirts, or an anti-cyber-bullying day..again, there's not

Today is all about "anti-bullying gays" when it should be "anti-bullying" in general

picking people out of the crowd and singling them out, their issues, and trying to make us "all aware" only causes more problems..it's like saying, "don't press this red button"...somewhat. my point is, make this an anti bullying day instead of an anti bullying gays only day

if they want to be inclusive as a whole in society, they need to stop making groups/petitions/etc based on exclusivity. it's selfish to tack on the cause to every other little cause and call it your own.

Again, I in no way am trying to offend anyone with these comments, please understand that, I support you, but I also support causes that make sense while supporting the big picture without alienation or tacking on ulterior motives

my problem is within the community itself - it's like kids getting bullied is ok, but kids getting bullied deserves a special day...being straight and knowing it is fine, but coming out gets a day...soon it'll be like having cancer is ok, but being gay and having cancer gets a day or being gay and stubbing your toe gets a day.. i'm not trying to be a dick or cause more problems, i am trying to cause awareness that EVERYONE gets bullied and THAT needs to have it's day of support..without ulterior motives

Yes the gay community has a lot of hate thrown it's way by the government, the churches, etc but that movement to change all that is happening...now in fact. (Let me remind you that only 28 countries recognize Same Sex Unions.....out of 196. The US isn't the only pricks in the matter for all of those hating on the US..Lily Allen I'm looking in your direction....)

And the only mistreatment i see, is the fact that the LGBT movement keeps getting pushed down my throat "We're queer, we're here, we ain't going anywhere" i get it, i support it...but what i won't support is this media/holiday blitzkreig that has been going on. If there was a magic button I could press that would make people more ok with the LGBT community, make same sex unions legal, and make all this LGBT propaganda go away, I would push it in a heart beat. Everyone has problems, everyone has issues no matter what kind of person they are...women had to fight for rights, blacks had to fight for rights, and now the LGBT community has to fight for rights..i get that..i'm just really sick of the selfish propaganda as much as they're probably sick of the hate..the street goes both ways my dear...I'ma let you do your thing, just don't get in my face about it...

ever wonder why people hates the Jehova's witnesses...same principal.

To conclude, the recent suicides made national attention and brought awareness of kids being bullied. If everyone in every community would have seen this as an opportunity to end all bullying that would have been great. We could have had the "Anti-Bullying Day" and still worn purple in memory of the homosexuals who lost their lives that made us all aware of the extremes that is bullying. But wen you go an ad one little word into that day, it changes everything.

What happened with those kids sucks, what happens with ALL kids being bullied sucks. Instead of addressing the BIG picture of bullying as a whole, the gay community kept it an exclusive thing, and what I'm saying is I don't think that's right or fair. It's not fair to everyone else being bullied. Plenty of kids go through their lives, mainly in school, getting called names for things they have no control over. So what if they have glasses or red hair or whatever. the point is people are people, in the end we are all the same .

Bullying is wrong, domestic abuse is wrong, discrimination in all forms is wrong...

End the Hate.








"It's an objective observation, and I'm sorry that I wasn't swallowed up in the propaganda and wanted to stand for ALL equality and against bullying on EVERYONE."

We Talkin' bout Practice

warm me up,
put me in

I need to get back into the groove..

No, that's not a "that's what she said" joke, i honestly need to get back in the groove of writing again...and of course the only way to do that is to, well, actually do it. So these (re)start-me-up blog posts I'm making, although yes get published as finished works, they are the practice writings til i actually get better, if ever..

that being said, my football team had practice today - let me point out that every day the team meets up, we have a different group of 11 guys show up - i feel as if i'm making some sort of matrix to see just how many different variations of groupings we can have..so far, it's annoying.

I won't bore you with the details of the team (at the moment), i'll be brief and say practice went well, let's see what happens in the game next week. I suppose the real part of why I mentioned practice is because of what happened at the end of it. As we were finishing our last play a random kid walked over to ask if he could play - and when i say kid, he had to be like 12? I'm horrible with ages. Anyways, everybody had something to say about this kid wanting to play, and after tossing the ball around a couple of times, he waived over his other friends, who naturally kept a safe distance away.

they joined and wanted to play as well, again everyone on the team had something to say, whether it was a groan or an ok, there was not going to be an agreement met. One player asked me, "yo coach, how do you feel about having these kids play with us?" I was welcomed to the idea of utilizing the kids as a pass rush, but knew as i said it, others wouldn't be ok with it...

so the balls were tossed around, some stayed, if briefly and played, others ended the practice and walked off - but the point i'm trying to get at was this. within the group of four boys was one girl. She was adamant about how she could catch a football (and she could), throw a football (and for a 12? year old she could), and how she wanted to play..tackle.

Now I know the term "tomboy" comes to mind, however...there was something different that would overpower the tomboy term i would come to find quickly. What was so odd was her realization of self. now it may be true that i do not have a lot of experience with kids, well, it is true - no siblings, no real deep family with cousins and all that jazz (that i ever met) so i just don't know what it's like to be around kids. I typically think they are all innocent and stupid to be honest.

I think other than this time (and that time three weeks ago at the IU tailgate where I drunkenly played catch with some random kid) i can't recall the last time i was around little kids. for some reason i see this as fucking with me as i am a parent later in life.

I tried then, and pretty much the rest of my day, to remember what it was like to be in 6th/7th grade, being 12, what thoughts were going through my head. This only caused me to drift into a surreal like state.

Ughh, I keep drifting in and out of thought here on this..and you all know how i hate to have my attention diverted for more than a second while writing. I feel utterly and completely exhausted, and i don't know exactly why. So instead of doing my homework that is due in an hour i decided it would be in my best interest to write...followed by me going to bed

though i just want to stay awake, fight the tired, stop dreaming.










"Soooo, it's 5am and i'm wide awake, but about to get in bed...yet, for others, they are just getting out..strange world i live in.."

It's Been a Minute..

Well, more than that
many minutes in fact..

and i don't know how many I got left in me...

I've been feeling...creative isn't the word i'm looking for...it's an ansty, irritable, cannot focus kind of feeling. I've toyed with the ideas for short clips, writings, quotes, etc - and while I've actually made some of those things, i haven't done much with them. The most you get from me is a 140 character update via my twitter..maybe a status on facebook for something that really needs to be said, or a nonsensical rant with a picture explaining nothing from my dailybooth. As i did all three of those things today, the shorter only manifesting into the larger i realized...that i just needed to fucking sit down and write it out, old school style.

I've been watching Netflix religiously, mainly TV series because of their length...rather, their shortness. I feel a pick-me-up, break, or food feast is equivilant of the time it would take to watch one episode. So far i made it through six seasons of The Office, the first of Archer, and my most recent (and reason why I am writing this) Californication.

I stumbled across this show awhile back, but never made my move on it - it was on showtime and who the hell watches showtime, i thought all the good series shows were on HBO. Anyways, all that is available on demand is the first season, and that's all i watch - this mailing discs back shit is for the birds. Let me just add in, i love my netflix, and I only got it because its an iphone app..so i watch on my iphone, my lappy, and off of my PS3..life is grand

I continue, Californication is a show....that I'm not going to bother you with the synopsis of, long story short, it has made me want to start writing again. And as much as i know that i'm not talented enough to be published other for than that button in the bottom left hand corner, i enjoy it. While most of it is rubbish, i can always look back on my previous posts and claim brilliance. I know I'm not the next great american novelist, i've come to terms with that rather easily, and though my fan base is small in numbers, they care, which makes me care.

That being said I've neglected the people most important to me for far too long. I need to give to them what they want, what they need. This. Me hunting and pecking away at 4am on some random Wedne-Thursday morning. Typing away because i can't sleep. typing away because i think this will help. Typing away because i think someone gives a shit. Typing away like it matters. Typing away as if I am a sole survior in the universe, yet that universe relies on me.

We reap what we sow, we also write what we know...and the latter is what scares me most.










"Well, I don't know, but I've been told
You never slow down, you never grow old
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down
Tired of myself, tired of this town

Oh, my my, oh, hell yes
Honey, put on that party dress
Buy me a drink, sing me a song
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long"

People

Why are they so fucking stupid, or
why do the stupid ones flock to me

am i some sort of magnet that attracts these fools???

because let's face it, as a magnet i would not be able to attract people like me; cool mother fuckers who are smart and so forth...and these people are definitely in my life by the numbers. Eventually they make their departure, but not before ransacking the place, ie my fucking head.

anwyays, the following is a conversation i woke up to on my computer thanks to skype being open all night


N: i WILL SAY IT just once and will be completely honest to you, the change in my moods and attitudes is thanks to a clinical depression, which I am trying but facing huge difficulties to handle
N: I am telling you this so tha you can stop contacting me
N: sorry J
N: goodbye
*4 hours later*
b: wait, are you asking me to stop talking to you? because that is not what i want, but if you do not want me around, then i will go

and that was the last i've heard from that person....odd

but the day only gets better when i decide to text an ex to send my regards on her recent, well, recently made to my knowledge, engagement

B: A little overdue, but i believe a congratulations is in order for you
four hours pass
C: Why do u care
C: Anfd why do u talk like that
B: Wait, I'm confused - talking like what? And I just wanted to extend my gratitude...am I not supposed to care? I mean, I hold no hard feelings
C: Why should u
B: Why should I to which part that I said?
C: ...care
B: You're someone who was apart of my life at one point and like I said I don't hate you...I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said anything at all
C: Ok but I got engaged in may and ur just now saying something... looks like u were needing an excuse to talk to me
*my blood starts to rise*
B: Ummmmm no - I just found out today actually - no excuse, just being nice
C: Oh from who cuz we aren't friends
*still rising*
B:I know we aren't friends, otherwise I probably would have known sooner - but it has come up in conversation with X and W
C: Go figure...I knew they were playing as ur informants
*shock, blood pressure encroaching redline*
B:You make it sound like some conspiracy against you...just casual conversation - they thought I already knew..and that's all that was said..no worries
C: Why
B: Why what?
C: Nothing pls just leave me alone
*we've hit breaking point*
B: I was saying congrats, being nice...you need a reality check and grow the fuck up - stop being such a fucking bitch - if this is how you are acting to people now, I don't know you nor wish to know you. I have neither the time not the inclination to explain myself to a woman who I've been nothing but nice to, forgiving, and kept my distance, and then questions the manner in which I do it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you fuck off

*end of conversation*

So that pretty much sums up today, granted there is other shit going on as well...neither the time nor the place as i am growing tired..but wanted to fill you in with the randomness..

so there you have it.









"ahh crap, auto-correct changed my misspelling of "hate" to "have"- that changes the course of this conversation completly...i don't have you...i don't hate you...fucking iphone..."

3am Confessions You'll Never Hear

the moments of clarity..
..at our most insane of times...

i can't sleep, enough said.

it's pushing after 3am and i'm wide awake, funny how just three maybe four hours ago i was ready for bed...actually, i was IN bed...yes it needed both the bolding and the caps. i'm merely distracting myself now, doing the one thing i hate the most while writing. focus..focus...

i can't really focus because my mind is mush, bouncing from one intangible to the next. Bob Dylan said never look back, i find it easier said than done...actually, everything is easier said than done when you think about it - i ask of you to try and prove me wrong on that one, i do not have enough energy, devotion, or time to ponder myself, so i continue...it's actions that speak louder than words (unless you have a microphone hooked up to a sound system, then that could get loud...)

i can say all day that i would go sky diving....but until i do, those are just words - and sure sometimes all we have from people is their words, but as we all know, people's words are as good as the breath they are spoken from. (i like it when people chew gum) all people's words do is give you a false sense of security, actions prove (or disprove) their words.

i'm highly off subject right now, as i said, my mind is not anywhere i want it to be. this post will be found too late, nobody will check this in the next couple of hours, and by then, well, we will have wrote history....for the better i am hoping..this is like one of those suicidal cries for help that is left on a voicemail..only to be found much after the fact by the person who said, damn, i always miss their call - i lol'ed. of course, none of this makes sense right now...and i'm not even sure it makes sense to me honestly.

i may be known for saying the truth, setting people straight, calling it like i see it, telling it like it is..but why is it when i want to tell these "truths" that they can't be said, or they won't be heard, or if all those work, it still won't matter in the end. it's hard to get closure when people shut you out of their lives. but then again they say, better late than never?

this writing thing sure is fun..this is probably one of my more chaotic rants, and it never really even eluded to anything at all, but i definitely am enjoying it...maybe it's the daily posts i have to write for school that are making this post possible - did he just say school?! - holy balls i did...i guess i don't update this thing as much as i should..yeah i go to school, yeah it's online classes, yeah what of it.

i made a move, it's beyound risky, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. this, and these, will be the next defining points in my life..and that's a little messed up to say. with all that stress piled on me, it's no wonder i can't sleep and my mind has turned to cottage cheese, without the syphilis of course.

i'm nervous..and i can't sleep...i'm afraid...and i can't sleep..i fucked up..and i can't sleep..i'm doing everything i can..and i can't sleep...and it may not be enough







"can't sleep, clowns will eat me..."








P.S. i just tried to label this post...yeah, i think i got carried away...

I'm Gel-ing

not in a good way,
like a green way...

Did i say i was Gel-ing, i meant Jeal-ing, as in jealous...

Today class we will be discussing jealousy in relationships. My following response is based off of my own personal experiences, and through some much recent research and experiences, has altered greatly from the views i once held.

Jealousy is a two-way street in which both parties are to blame; now granted it may be two-way, some way's just have more lanes of traffic (like those effed up roads by Mass Ave..what's up with that?)

i say

Do What I Ask of You..

..not because i said it
..because you WANT to do it

because sheep are common, sincerity is rare...

I don't like telling people what to do - i know i know..i know what you are thinking..don't you constantly tell people to "fuck off", isn't that telling them what to do...you know what i say to that, fuck off...anyways, i don't like telling people what to do, i don't like asking people to do things either - granted it's a form of a psychological behavior characteristic where i have a fear of dependency - nothing is really ever going to change that though, soooo it's still my reality.

i don't like asking for help, whether i'm at work, walking down the street, whatever; not because i have some macho complex where i feel as if i can do it myself, it's because i don't like putting people out like that. i don't want to ask for help because i don't want to inconvenience someone, i don't want them to do something they don't want to do...now this goes into a deeper thought where i'd say, if they really wanted to help, they would have asked or jumped right in...if they saw me carrying a bunch of shit they should have done the right thing and held the door open..

so this goes right into, i'd rather let people fail me and let me down, then try to keep them on a level of respect they don't really deserve. if i were to ask fucktard to "hey, can you hold that door for me" and they did, sure it betters me for a moment since i won't have to struggle to juggle the groceries, swipe my card, catch the door with the three seconds i have to get it opened and get in..but it doesn't do anything for the credibility for that other person...they did something because they were told to do so - granted they didn't have to, but in their minds they have done their one good deed for the day, even though it wasn't a real act of genuine compassion, they were merely doing it to not feel bad about being a horrible person.

All this is exactly the opposite of how i act; i'm more likely to give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. i constantly put myself out there for other people, i do things for them, that, i wish people would do for me - it's like a twisted form of the golden rule - i do those types of things for people because that's the kind of respect and love i liked shown in return. i'd never ask someone to move to be with me, but you better believe i'd move for them without their ever questioning it.

And the same goes for things that were asked of me as well. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was actually never said to me, but rather relayed back to me through co-workers. Someone said, "Jangus could have twenty different things going on, but if you needed something and you asked him, he'd have twenty-one.."

Now granted i may put the needs of others before mine a lot, i may do things for people that i wouldn't do for myself, i also put forth a faith in people that is greater than it may should very well be. i think that because i do all these things for people, i will someone see the benefits in return, when i will need them..

take work for example...have you ever been the one to constantly pick up some slackers shifts time and time again...only to have when it came your time to cash in one little favor in comparison to the many you've done for them...your request is not met...this is how my life works.

And though i know i stated i don't like to ask for certain things, i will occasionally do so...but it only becomes a bigger slap in the face when once i asked for certain said thing to be done or not done..only the opposite continues.

when it comes to certain relationships i'm not going to tell you what to do or what not to do, i may give some ground rules on what i'd like to happen or not to happen, what would hurt me, what would make me happy, but i will not chain you up like an outside dog and say stay. you are given the power of free will, i'm not going to stifle that. HOWEVER, in caps for a reason, your actions make up your own destiny...

My relationships with people are very similar to that of god's with people...yes you have the ability to do whatever you want...buuuuuuut, there's things i'd not like you to do..and if you do them, well, we won't reach that nirvana. (Hi, i'm god)

all this is really is just an ongoing test - test my patience and fail

prove to me that you're worth my time, and i'll do the same in return...

only you can prevent forest fires..







"Kiss me, please kiss me, But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."

NEW?

and..
..improved?

no...no, not really

ok, this is a new template, tell me your thoughts...









"the time's they are a-changin' "

Turn, turn, turn

to everything..
there is a season..

a reason why i hate summer...

it's that time of the year again, inevitably so, that summer has come upon us. Most people will go with some archaic mythological belief that summer starts on (approximately) june 21st, or rather the "summer solstice" - those who are a little more educated will know this to be the day the earth stands still, well one of the two in a year.

for those living in the northern hemisphere we incorrectly and haphazardly call june 21st the first day of summer, as it has been dubbed the summer solstice...all that means is, hey, today is the longest day of the year, from here on out days will be getting shorter again...if anything how does that mark the beginning of summer, shouldn't it mark the beginning of fall, or the end of summer?

but no, we call it the beginning of summer based on some stupid beliefs we recklessly hold onto...in my opinion summer starts when those pools open, when it's ok to wear white again, when the temperature is conducive to turning on the air conditioning, when school is no longer is session...for some of those things that would sometime in may, maybe strectching towards memorial day at that...

maybe it's the turning over to a new month in a calendar, june 1st - that would make sense with all of the incoherant dribbling posts i've read over the past couple of days from people estatic for it to be june...*looks around the room* i'm sorry, di-did i miss something...does, or did, something crazy happen in june i am not aware of?

i can't say i have ever seen such overwhelming responses from the multitude of the idiots i claim to be friends with who were so jubilated with the turning over to june that they not only had to declare it in social media form, but with such uncertainty "couldn't believe june was already here!?"

at first glance i thought they were happy because it was june, but to me that just didn't seem right...so naturally itried to offer any other explanation to make the masses less foolish...maybe somebody named June was appearing in concert, tv show was debuting, visiting, anything of the sort which just so coincidentally happened to occur on the new month, which just so happened to be june...yeah, no such luck

however this is not my sole reason for hating summer, rather it was a catalyst to remind me of how much i hate summer, and the reasoning still standing, because of idiots.

one strong factor is that the weather changes, for the better - so how can i hate that you ask...well it's not so much as the amazing weather i hate, but rather insomuch as to what it causes. people.

and you know, it's not even summer as a whole that i hate, it's the Midwestern mentality of what summer is and what it means. i'm sure that if i lived in a tropic climate such that of hawai'i or cali, or some other part of the dessert that this inexplicable behavior wouldn't take place...only in the god forsaken midwest. now yes those places mentioned do go through varying weather conditions and season changes, but to a far less degree than that of midwest and the like states - drastic changes in temperature where you can have weeks at over 100 degrees to weeks under 0 degrees all within the confines of 365 days...

so what is so wrong with the "Midwest mentality on summer", as i am calling it now, and the bringing out of people, just that. maybe to better understand my hatred towards summer it's best to start with why i like fall most of all. i'll be the first to say and admit that i hate colder temperatures, and if i could have it my way i'd prefer to live in a tropic climate mentioned much earlier. and even though i was born and raised off the lake of michigan in illinois i still hate the cold, and with each passing year that goes by i can handle it less and less. there is no conditioning and tolerance towards sub-freezing temperatures dissipates as you grow older just as quickly as the heat.

i'm not the only mid-westerner who feels this way - as much as we'd like to say how tough we are
as we battle through the conditions year in and out, we despise it...and as soon as the sun starts to lose it's shine and a gentle, cool breeze blows through we all scour with our tails in between our legs back indoors, killing the a/c and cranking up the heat, while frantically searching in our basements for our layers, scarfs, parkas, and shovels...it's true, we're pussies who are prepared.

and that's what i like about fall, people, the general masses, running back inside - not polluting the streets with their cars, flooding parks, jogging about shirtless thinking they in the best shape of their life when all you really wanna do is yell at them like marky mark to put a damn shirt on...

and as much as i encourage people to live their life, to seize the day, and all that, this is not the time.

i hate how the warmer weather brings those people out, because it's a mentality that isn't right, that isn't good - these are the fair weather people we've all been talking about!...they come out in the fancy cars they only take out because the weather is perfect..people driving around in their convertibles with the tops down like they are gods gift of the roads..i hate people that are conditionally convenient bandwagon jumpers on life - people who will run and hide at the first sign of unfavorable conditions, but otherwise try to claim the land like they never floundered..

so it's not the warm weather directly that i dislike, rather i much enjoy a good summer's day on a patio sipping on a sugary concoction that's horribly dressed with colorful fruit and umbrellas wishing it could always be like this, wishing i were somewhere else. but it's the weather that brings out those assholes i could care less to see...those a-holes who, while i'm still on the patio drinking my drink in october, they've long gone to their resort homes or cruise-line vacations

i hate summer because i hate people...but only in the midwest....










"Cause I love to live so pleasantly
Live this life of luxury
Lazing on a sunny afternoon
In the summertime"

I

..need....
..this....

i need to do this, if anything else, i need to do this....

as i went about my day, my day off, my first day off in a week, my first day off after working a 60 hour work week with very little, if any extra, compensation monetarily but rather the compensation came in the form of me losing my edgey-ness just a little bit more, i thought about a lot of things...

one topic was writing again, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, it's something that crosses my mind more than several times a week, maybe even once a day, and if not, well the next day makes up for it..

and as it goes, as always, i have at the moment at least three good ideas for some posts...of course i won't write them now, even though they are fresh on my mind, and inevitably i will forget them when it comes time to plop myself in front of the screen and go to it...if i ever get that chance.

so let this be my prologue, the introduction to what i hope is my return to the blog - i don't know how many times i've said that, but it's one of those things...i made the time..i think - rather what are the things i do when i get angry at the world - shut out people, tune out the world, get angry and keep to myself, write(in some form or another), and that time is coming around again...so when opportunity meets something..i don't know the phrase, but here i am...










"born to lose, destined to fail.."

Untitled

Listen here you beautiful bitch...
I am about to fuck you up with some truth.

Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of the truth...get it...cuz truth doesn't make a noise..soooo.









"people lie because they feel they'll fuck things up if they tell the truth, truth is they'll fuck things up by telling a lie.."

The Beginning..

of some ends..
to a means..

Daddy, always said, "son.."...wait no, that's not it

"Jangus, everything is not a revolution", the one phrase that plays back like an annoying ad you see ay every commercial break. No it wasn't said by my father, rather it was an english teacher i had two years in high school; a phrase that i'll never forget and never be able to live down.

i know i've had to mention it on here before in some previous post as it always seems like a reoccurring theme in my life..the only advice i hold onto, yet, sadly can't do anything about. so i apologize in advance if now i've turned into the broken record.

they say we study history as to not repeat it, to learn from the past - funny, some of the biggest mistakes are made without any regard to past events. Being a history buff that i was back in the day i always like to make reference to WWII. In this situation i'd quote Hitler when he said, "where Napoleon failed, i will succeed" the irony is that that never happened and Hitler made the same mistakes Napoleon did, fighting a multiple front war.

is it just human ignorance that we disregard other's past failures, is it an ego boost of superhuman characteristic to think we can do what other's did not, or is it optimism at it's best - i know the latter with the positive note threw you off...

Whatever the case may be i'm going to be guilty of trying my hand at the same demise maker that is, fighting the multiple front war. combine that with the "everything IS a revolution mentality" and you'll see your forces stretched very, very thin.

they say when it rains it pours, and once again i feel as if i am fighting to keep myself dry with only a napkin. fighting every cause that arises with a piss and vinegar attitude all the while taking on new fights and arguments will quickly get you into a 'you versus the world' mentality.

that's about where i am headed right now.

but i know i have my support out there, it's just the front lines, or those in the closest proximity of your life, whether be it physically, emotionally, or destinationly, are always the ones you'll find that change sides and you end up fighting against.

over this weekend i've somehow managed to have declared war on three different fronts - and though those fronts are not at all surprising as they have all been something that have been in the making, it still comes as a shock...now when i say i have declared war it seems as if i am the one taking the initiative to attack, rather that is hardly the case here, if ever - which is why it always feels one against the world.

the problem with me is, if someone wants to fight, i'm more than likely going to fight back, and to my fullest extent. and with three fights picked in two days, it only fuels the" pack up and go" type of attitude that in the end only would cause more damage. of course each and every front on the opposing side doesn't know about the other fronts that are being fought - so when push comes to shove with me and one front, that one front gets the anger and onslaught not equivalent to just the one fight, but to all the fights combined. Again, it's like the breaking straw, the kid that snaps, the bottle that explodes; the end reaction isn't that constituting of one action, but many added up.

if "all's fair in love and war" i fight fair, but it's dirty. with revolution type of fights you're willing to do what it takes to change the tide - most people will fight just because they're bitches, i fight like there's a cause, something that actually matters on the line...this usually results in me doing "drastic measures" ultimately cutting off those other fronts high and dry. i'm an extremist, i know no mercy and will show none, i'll put everything on the line just to walk away with a "victory", even if it means losing everything in the process. my ego versus other's irrational attitudes. what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force...they disappear and i move on...

this is just the prologue...and i'm the narrator?










"see, the thing about me is, i don't save any for the swim back.."

The Straw

that broke my back..
but didn't silence my voice...

the tale of childish games and those who play them

it may come to no surprise that i can endure a lot of shit, take a lot of heat, bottle a lot of things up - but of course when doing so, there's always a breaking point, and someone else behind the explosion..there's always somebody pushing the buttons, crossing the line too many times that causes the building up, and then the final burst...tonight was no different

the story starts off on a positive note, not the typical case of the mondays. it was one of my days off and i planned on getting things accomplished, or so i thought. one of my fellow co-workers sent me a text saying they were sick and asked me to pick up - having my hopes set on doing some of my goals even with the late wake up time i agreed contingent upon a later in time...my request was granted and i was due in at 5

that gave me plenty of time to go to the gym, the bank, get some food, shower, whatever it is i do...all this put me in an uber-good mood - so much that even though i walked to work i was still early.

i was livin' the dream, but this would all come to an end soon through the actions of another co-worker. whether they were jealous to see me happy or what i'll never know, i just know that her intentions were to bring me down, without a doubt.

i knew this co-worker had a problem with me, she wasn't thrilled to be working the same night i was working as displayed by the huge grunt/sigh she let out as i said hi to her as she walked in. from there i decided it best to just go on my own way and to some degree ignore her..basically keep things and us separate...but again, those were my wishes, evidently she had others..

my station/section was located in the front, so i spent a majority of my time up there. and in the beginning of the night any time i would make my way to the back, for whatever reason, i would naturally cross paths with her - as i would cross paths with many other employees..but this one co-worker in particular found reason to make a scene or say something every time i walked by. and any time i start to talk to someone, whether it be my SA, manager, or whomever, she had to chime in with incoherent dribble directed at me.

this was so much of a spectacle that other employees were asking me what the other co-workers deal was, why was she being, and i quote, "such a bitch" to me. i played it off best i could, i put my blinders up and tuned her out, until we finally had a confrontation.

the co-worker was still hung up on a situation that occurred almost a fortnight ago with one of her tables. this was evidenced by her remark to me asking if i was gonna call her a liar to her tables tonight or if i was gonna talk shit to her tables again tonight. Long story short there was a mis-communication, something playfully said, something taking in the wrong context, and something heard as they wanted to hear it.

All in all i've been wanting to resolve the problem from the start, but any time the conversation is brought up i'm not allowed to say my side of the story and cannot get a word in edgewise - that other co-worker is always the one to get angry and walk away..just as she did tonight, saying she was over it, that it wasn't an issue any more...but, if that were the case, then why did she bring it up i replied back, only to have her walk away in anger yet again.

Let's not forget to mention she kept throwing away my drinking cup in the back..or let's forget

then my buttons were pushed for the last time. as i mentioned i was in the front, i had a ten top, that was my evening...at one point i ran to the back to get the third diet for this gentleman at my table and noticed half of my apps were up in the window, knowing they were just about to come up and my table wanted me to take the orders when i returned i called out to the kitchen, to a group of the "tan coats" asking to run my apps if they could, would you believe that the aforementioned co-worker was amoung this group.

so i took the orders on my ten top, it took some time because there was a meeting and everyone i went to would start talking...as i made my way around the first five orders, my mind is elsewhere, i keep glancing at the private room's door..expecting to see my apps walk in any moment...i keep waiting..i keep taking orders..and still i wait.

once i finished with all the orders with still no apps on the table i quickly made my way to the back..there i find a manager and said co-worker waiting for my apps to come back out. yes i said back out, for as you see they sat in the window too long and lost their temperature..this irked me to some degree, but whatever...it wasn't until that co-worker made a malicious comment about me not being able to handle a ten top and killing my apps...

i stopped in my tracks, mid-sentence, turned around and started to leave the kitchen...i always try to just remove myself from the situation for i know how bad my temper is and i know that's what they say a bigger person should do...but just as i was about to leave the kitchen my boiling point hit and i turned back around.

i cursed some expletives, cursed the people who did not run my food, and cursed the people i pay for not running my food...i think the choice word was "fuck" this time...i left the kitchen and headed back to my table where i was to do random filling of beverages and so forth...i left the private room to see the co-worker leading out my apps with the manager en route. the manager tried to say something as we passed by, but i was on a mission, tunnel vision maybe.

i took my angry little self back through the kitchen, through IRD, and out onto the back dock to walk around and get some air...i don't know why we in the industry do this, but we do. those back alley's aren't for deliveries and smoking only..no, the garbage cans and receptacles have seen their fair share of kicks and obscenities shouted their way...

i wasn't to that point, i just wanted to remove myself from the restaurant to recompose myself for the rest of the night. i always think back to those moments i've had a CPJR that were similar to this, but standout more i think because they happened more often..though it seems this place is catching up.

it's one thing to fuck with me an entire shift, to say shit, to mess with my drink by putting lemons in it..but you cross the line when you fuck with my guests - to deliberately not run my food and cause others to disregard it in some sort of power struggle or revenge is flat out psychotic.

when people do shit like that it reminds me of my first serving job at Blue Bird..there was an expediter who had a crush on me. we had hung out but once i knew she had "just a friend" who was an ex trying to get back with her i ended things..not to mention on those few occasions we did hang out i thought she wasn't on the level..only to prove myself right in the upcoming story..

as i said she was the expo at my work..controlling my food in the window..when my first couple of tickets suddenly "got lost" i thought nothing of it, it was busy, there were actually two expos that day as i remember..but as i pieced it together it was only food coming from her side that "wouldn't show" and when i asked her to "re-make" the items i needed she at first played the "sympathetic" card and told me she was remaking them...but after i continued to wait and the items were never made and i went to her a second time i got the "sorry 'bout ya" look and shrug...needless to say she didn't work there much longer...

it's sad how people will let their personal life interfere with their work life, and vice versa..though i think i can understand a bit of that...but then again..there's some people who i just hate working with because they suck at their job, but meet them after y'all clock out and it's a different story.

the show continued for the rest of the evening's shift. the co-worker continued to talk shit to me whenever i did something "gee, surprised you actually helped out" and other things. she refused to help me run out any other food for my table throughout the evening as well, as i "never thanked her for running my apps out" as she put it.

all i can say is this whole situation amazes me...the childish way she acts towards me, the malicious way she attacks me..you'd think it was HER who had something over ME...but this is not the case, in fact it is just the opposite...she should be the one walking on eggshells...and now i remember, the one request i asked of her since the beginning...i said do not cross me, do not upset me, do not cause ill will in my life and i will keep my silence.

and i have given the co-worker a chance to apologize, to settle things, to make things right in the universe once again..but i have a feeling i'll be asking Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall..










"for once i've met someone who is more childish than i am..."

You're So Vain

You probably think this post is about you...
don't you? don't you? don't you?

Well, actually, you'd be correct this time...

Ever since the dawn of time, going back to The Paleolithic era, when man did something there was always someone else right there who questioned 'why'. It's nice to see that we as people really haven't developed much over the years, well, at least those types of people.

Ever since i started blogging back in, ohhhh 2002(?) i've been posed with some resistance as to why. Granted the voice of the nominal few, maybe consisting of just one person at any given time, screams loudly every time. Funny how criticism doesn't work like a democracy

it was after many demands from several people that i start writing in a blog - it was the up-to-do thing back then, and after hearing the arguments and sitting on the idea, i finally hopped aboard. However my lifestyle of writing did not begin there, nor did my time spent on my computer - in order to do that we'd have to go back further in time, enter me as a young and innocent child.

In my house i grew up with a Commodore 64, obviously it wasn't mine, though it seemed to fit the bill as my first video game system if you will; but with floppy disks, basic commands, and a keyboard it was a computer. it was with that system that got me all into computers - but that's for another time and place, this is just a precursor to let you know how deep the roots really go..

as for writing, well, once again you can blame my parents for that one. One random afternoon my mother came home and handed me a journal, i had to be about 7 or 8 at the time, and she told me what it was and how to use it, essentially. now i was more of a jot down random notes and draw pictures in my notebooks type of kid, so this was different for me. Just like judo, i think my parents thought the journal would be a good outlet for...something; anger, depression, only childism..something that's for sure...

as time progresses, humans grow, technology is developed which further helps us grow and further develops technology; so naturally journals were given a more modern appearance. instead of writing with an ink pen onto paper, why not type away those thoughts at an illuminated screen..and you know what, instead of saving those entries as files in a cramped folder, why not use a website to organize everything for you - heck there's a whole bunch of customization to come with it too, plus you have your very own space out there on the internet..

now with this movement comes natural resistance, mainly that the purpose of a journal/diary/whatever is solely for you and your eyes only - how embarrassing would it be if someone got a hold of your journal and read through the pages..learning all your little secrets..then spreading them like wildfire to everyone around...remember those days, remember how any TV show ever made had at least one episode about a similar situation..why on earth would anyone willingly take those same scripts and publish them for all to see...

anne frank did it

this "craze" would not have caught on decades ago, in the 40's or 50's or any other time really - back then things were more 'hush hush' and not so wildly talked about, everyday topics that you yourself may speak of openly now. the tight lipped society that once was is now just a thing of the past, again, as time progresses so grows human nature.

Something so controversial as telling people your secrets is now welcomed with a warm embrace by people not only reading, but sharing their thoughts and ultimately making the writer feel at ease with an electronic connection. but this is just the warm fuzzy side to the story...

with the good is the bad. the wrong people could eventually find your blog; companies/employers/co-workers/family members/etc which could lead to many problems (only making you write more!) i've had this run in time and time again. first it was with school not liking what i wrote, then it was onto an employer, then it was girls i was casually dating - what it came down to was people couldn't stand reading the truth. Uhh, to know that you had thoughts and feelings that weren't what they wanted you to feel, to be human HOW DARE YOU! what the crap ever and grow up.

i remember walking out of a job because they came across my blog and were "shocked" by their findings - again another story, another time, but most of my problems occurred when all this was a new thing, the internet was just a-booming and b-logs were just about to be taken over by angsty, goth kids on livejournal.

people weren't accustomed to this - it was a form of change that, unless you were smack dab in the middle of the actions, you wouldn't "get it" til the effects rippled outward to you...i got that, not at first as i have that ethnocentric mindset to where if it's happening to me it's happening to everyone (just like as a kid, i had a fireplace, santa came down the fireplace, i thought everyone had a fireplace, it's in the frickin' stories, it just made sense) - but once i realized that someone wasn't on the same ship as me i told them to get onboard...i guess maybe i didn't get it after all.

people are stubborn, and those stubborn people are the ones who question "why?" if it's one thing that will set me off as quickly as a flip of a switch, it's questioning me. if i'm doing it, there's generally a reason, a good enough one to do it. if it's plans or planning or something along those lines, there's a complete and thorough thought process behind it all...like a game of chess every move i make has it's rationalization, its justification, and it's more crucial than it's preceding action. if you ever hear the great lines of "Don't.fucking.question.me" uttered by yours truly, you are probably one question away from having my rage unfurled.

but that's the extreme in this instance and we are talking about why i write and why others bitch about it. i'd like to say i have a following, it may be small but they say, if you can reach one person....but seriously, when i have this thing actually being updated on a daily basis, things flowing like a well oiled machine, it draws a crowd, i should know, i have a site meter set up. with more readers comes, well, more readers..and since the odds aren't in my favor i'm bound to have a few haters jump on as well.

and as i have discussed it's those stubborn people who cannot accept the change in society that is happening around them, who aren't socially secure in themselves, who still need a curtain to hide behind that have problems with other things in their life but take it out on me..ME talking about what is going on in MY life. They can't face reality, don't want the truth to be heard, to be told, to be known, or worse, accepted in their own mind. escape goats and excuses are used by people who can't man-up to their own fate - again different blog.

i'm sorry if that type of person comes into my life because then they will be exposed to an element which they are not used to, not ready for, and me being as relentless as i am, won't give in just because of their perverse differences. if anything i try to change them of those foolish ways, in my head it's for the better - i call people out when they need to be called out (in fact that was a new year's resolution many a year ago "call out people more often" see where that got me)

here, best example, i remember not too long ago when i wrote a post that basically foreshadowed (all you need is the first paragraph) what was to come with an ex-girlfriend. i virtually hit the nail on the head with that one - but i come to find out that she got really upset over this passage. i tried to wrap my head around all the things i said in that post, other posts, all posts and came up blank...i wasn't out to get this girl, so my portrayal of her was still in a good light, deserving of it not really. it would only make sense in time to come...you see, she wasn't upset with the fact that i wrote about her (maybe slightly), it wasn't that i was putting our relationship up for the world to see, no, you know what it was...it was the fact that i was right about it the entire time. i had her all figured out before she did. i knew the truth, and told the truth and like a few good men, she couldn't handle it...

the truth..now there's a blog i've been itching to write about, but i guess i do hold back on some things from my life...maybe when i finally get it figured out i'll let you know, probably not...there's so many unwritten chapters in the book of my life that have no corresponding pages or even footnotes in other's books. they say winner's write history, so who are the one's that refuse to write anything...

i don't like or appreciate when people who don't understand take a malicious defense - especially on something so widely and openly accepted. something such as blogging, using social networks, actually using the computer to do things other than make an excel spreadsheet. this is here and now people! it doesn't matter how old you are you should be taking part of the revolution that is going on around you currently...get involved..be active within it...i dailybooth, it's fun, it's like a picture blog for when i don't want to write a blog - it's an involved status update..it updates my twitter, which...i think everyone from new borns to my dog have now. i chose to be apart of that community, are you going to sit here and tell me it's wrong, i can't, that it's...childish?

are you kidding, is that the best you got, because if it's childish to be apart of a society that's trying to unite people across the world with stupid little websites where people can say or do whatever they want...if it's childish to let your feelings and emotions out, to act on the first amendment, not in a sense to cause problems or drama, but to just vent..then i guess you'll have to call me a baby.

seems like a childish response, to call someone else childish...and yet isn't it childish to be selfish..you know, like eating your cake and having it too..throwing temper tantrums..yelling at people who don't deserve it..always wanting it your way..getting whatever you want, spoiled....wait..wait....wait. fuck.

So for those of you who sit patiently while the site is at a stagnant lull, i appreciate you. to those who write to me and ask me to write some more, i thank you (i believe the best line was "really all i want for christmas is for you to blog again") thanks to all the support and swift kicks in the ass, because as much as it's supposed to be something beneficial for me, we all know i rarely do things for myself...

And i'll close now with probably the best response to this sort of public out-lashing towards people who use the internet was this video i found about a year ago...it's from jill hanner who i started to follow, then she just got annoying, but the video is still in my vault as one of my favorites, enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq0ifdroD5s









"Is you sick from the dick or is it the flu? -It ain't about you or your bitch ass crew"

I Feel a Blog Coming On..

oh wait..
..scratch that..

it's just another bloody headache

i should probably go ahead and forewarn you right now that this is more than likely going to be a bitchy post with no real positive outlook, like i'd want it to be. i blame this on the constant pain that has been going on in my head for over a week now. normally i get these mini-migraines once every 9 to 12 months they last about a week - and for that week i'm usually busy with work and i have to struggle through, actually taking pain killers and other medicine to avert the pain - the only time i ever use these things. i always have to go over the recommended dosage and that scares me. reason why i don't take pain killers or sleep aids is because my body gets used to them too quickly, and i know in time i'll eventually take so many that i'll overdose.

and with these headaches comes the catch twenty-two...i either am in enormous amounts of pain, or the opposite, no pain but no mind either. having the pain limits my functioning to where all i can do is close my eyes and hope i fall asleep....but when i'm awake and the pain has subsided for a moment, i can't think straight. my mind is cloudy. i can't concentrate. it's like as if every thought i start to make gets slammed into a brick wall at full speed.

it's been over a week now and it's driving me crazy. granted this is a perfect time for it to be happening, i'm only getting scheduled three days at work, but i have things to do in my off time..yet can't function like a normal human because of these headaches...i literally sit in my apartment..and sit..i'll pass out from the pain only to throw my entire sleep pattern off

i actually took a huge step today, i went outside - only because i was starving, but still that took me til after 5 to get moving. i tried to get my life back on track by going to the gym - i haven't been there in over a month with everything that has been going on, and i could definitely feel the results, or lack there of.

i don't think it was in my best interest to go to the gym because on any normal day going to the gym makes me get a headache and i feel like i just wanna throw up/die...so what does the guy who is battling a headache and feeling like shit do, does the one thing he knows will make him have a headache and feel like shit...well, maybe they would counteract one another..sorry, no.

i need to complete things through, finish what i start...just like going to the gym...i took a month off and i lost all the progress i had built up...i don't need a push to get me going, i need a kick in the ass when i'm halfway there. i've always said i'm just waiting on that big moment in my life where everything changes...

let's see, that one girl and i broke up and i started to blog again..but that didn't last for long...my best friend passed away and i..didn't do anything differently...always looking for an excuse, always looking for a way out

how does one get a blister under their toe nail? i didn't even know that was possible until yesterday - and let me tell you, it sucks.

i need to start writing again..i'll say that til the day i die. i don't even know what i'd write about...half the stuff isn't worth it, the other third i can't tell you (stupid doctor/patient confidentiality) so that's why you get nothing but dribble...

at least i'm trying? well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and trying only does so much..it's like saying you would do something, but you have the ability to do it all along and you don't..there's always a technicality...

micheal phelps is one ugly man...so is shaun white for that matter...it's awesome to know though that as long as you have a gold medal and can do "awesome" tricks, you'll be sexy...don't worry WoW players, eventually it'll be an Olympic sport and you'll cash in on all the fame like those losers..i mean honestly, half those "sports" in the Olympics are sports?!

ohhh that's right, i'm wrong, i'm ethnocentric...just because football isn't an olympic sport i have no idea what a real sport is...in two words...table.tennis. one word...curling...i think i've proven my point here...

oh, and anyone can be a micheal phelps or shaun white, let's not immortalize people to the point we start worshiping them...that's how religions started

speaking of, i gave up cheese for lent...what a waste. what are you giving up?











"FU, Penguin"