Posty Posty

ran

dumb

random

With all this extra time on my hands I really should be writing/posting....instead of watching and critiquing Snakes on a Plane.  Seriously though, I haven't slept much due to this time change..and as soon as I do pass out, I'm awoken by everybody's alarms going off over and over for the morning shift...then they wake up and start talking with that absolutely hideous southern accent..

If I wanted to listen to someone talk with shit in their mouths, I would just talk to....a dog.

God, it's like the proverbial nails on a chalkboard in my mind...shiver.  The slack-jawed yokels I work with..Idiots that get promoted with lower cutting scores than one should get promoted with...and here I am, squeaking by to the next rank with a cutting score that would get me to 2 ranks higher in their job...fuck.

Anyway..I've got a lot of catching up to do if I wish to not make this the least productive year for writing ever...

Ok, this is simple..it's just me mashing my fingers on the keys in a rhythmic fashion...I can do this..I can double time this shit..I'm recovering from a back injury, so I'm bed-ridden for a minute - no gym, and only work and eating..I can do this..

prepare your browsers, the double posts are coming...

"If I have one ragret in life, it's that i did not go see Snakes on a Plane in the theater"

Everything

I lost,
Everything

four syllables

I don't write on desktops.  No, spur of the moment writing is nothing that can be conformed to fit a reserved area of space.  My laptop is back up and running, kind of.  Sure it's the same laptop as before (though the keyboard and other oddities are gonna take some time getting used to) but the difference is, everything.  I lost everything.

I am referring to the harddrive that used to be in this machine..the one that so timely decided to fry up in the middle of me backing up the darn thing..destroying not only itself, but the harddrive it was backing up to.  I suppose it gained a little bit of me over the years and decided to go out like I would.

After trying several different companies to retrieve any bit of information from the fallen drive, all attempts came up null.  Pictures, documents, anything and everything from the past 4 years has been erased, as if it never happened.

Looking back, I asked November to do it's worst last year, it succeeded.

So that combined with not liking to write at my new desktop, still hating this horrible format change, and being completely busy are all reasons enough as to why I haven't wrote in so long.  Now don't get me wrong, there were times I came ever so close to banging on the keys, but obviously nothing came of that.

No classic year in review, no meaningless updates, nothing...not until the second week of the second month..ashamed I am.  Well, maybe I'll get my act together here..who knows..granted I'm even busier what with classes and so forth, but, I'll make due, I owe you that much.

stay positively tuned.








"Every end is a new beginning"

Don't Call it a Comeback

I'm here to stay forever

and ever and a day that's never

I can't let you go

Look, I can sit here and make excuses about this, that, or the other - granted the past three plus weeks have been hectic - the main point isI'm back. We all know there's gonna be a hiatus in the summer months, and then just as all that ends, and September rolls in (bloody bloody September), so does my blogging.

It's a week in and I'm already late on this. Finally there's things to say, but I haven't had the opportunity...so now i'm just making this stepping stone of a blog to get my fingers a little wet, wipe off the dust, break off the rust, and go for the gust...oh

I figure if i knock something out of the way, something such as this, it will give way to something a little more...meaningful. As I said to another fellow blogger (oh, did I mention I got someone to start blogging?!), not every post is going to be a masterpiece, work of art, nobel prize worthy...but think about who you're doing it for..and also think of those as the unofficial important takes on the really good ones. Sure in another world posts like these get deleted - like scenes in a movie, you don't actually follow around the character for every move - and what's left is all diamonds and gold...but the truth is, you have to remove some dirt off before you have that...that necessary dirt is these posts.

So as I stumble over the keys hunting and pecking, trying to formulate my analogies, this is what happens...practice makes perfect, and this is me coming back from the off-season..first games are a little deficient.

but it's ok, certain skills are like certain loves, yo never really lose them.

"Come with me"

It's Been a Minute..

Well, more than that
many minutes in fact..

and i don't know how many I got left in me...

I've been feeling...creative isn't the word i'm looking for...it's an ansty, irritable, cannot focus kind of feeling. I've toyed with the ideas for short clips, writings, quotes, etc - and while I've actually made some of those things, i haven't done much with them. The most you get from me is a 140 character update via my twitter..maybe a status on facebook for something that really needs to be said, or a nonsensical rant with a picture explaining nothing from my dailybooth. As i did all three of those things today, the shorter only manifesting into the larger i realized...that i just needed to fucking sit down and write it out, old school style.

I've been watching Netflix religiously, mainly TV series because of their length...rather, their shortness. I feel a pick-me-up, break, or food feast is equivilant of the time it would take to watch one episode. So far i made it through six seasons of The Office, the first of Archer, and my most recent (and reason why I am writing this) Californication.

I stumbled across this show awhile back, but never made my move on it - it was on showtime and who the hell watches showtime, i thought all the good series shows were on HBO. Anyways, all that is available on demand is the first season, and that's all i watch - this mailing discs back shit is for the birds. Let me just add in, i love my netflix, and I only got it because its an iphone app..so i watch on my iphone, my lappy, and off of my PS3..life is grand

I continue, Californication is a show....that I'm not going to bother you with the synopsis of, long story short, it has made me want to start writing again. And as much as i know that i'm not talented enough to be published other for than that button in the bottom left hand corner, i enjoy it. While most of it is rubbish, i can always look back on my previous posts and claim brilliance. I know I'm not the next great american novelist, i've come to terms with that rather easily, and though my fan base is small in numbers, they care, which makes me care.

That being said I've neglected the people most important to me for far too long. I need to give to them what they want, what they need. This. Me hunting and pecking away at 4am on some random Wedne-Thursday morning. Typing away because i can't sleep. typing away because i think this will help. Typing away because i think someone gives a shit. Typing away like it matters. Typing away as if I am a sole survior in the universe, yet that universe relies on me.

We reap what we sow, we also write what we know...and the latter is what scares me most.










"Well, I don't know, but I've been told
You never slow down, you never grow old
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down
Tired of myself, tired of this town

Oh, my my, oh, hell yes
Honey, put on that party dress
Buy me a drink, sing me a song
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long"

I

..need....
..this....

i need to do this, if anything else, i need to do this....

as i went about my day, my day off, my first day off in a week, my first day off after working a 60 hour work week with very little, if any extra, compensation monetarily but rather the compensation came in the form of me losing my edgey-ness just a little bit more, i thought about a lot of things...

one topic was writing again, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, it's something that crosses my mind more than several times a week, maybe even once a day, and if not, well the next day makes up for it..

and as it goes, as always, i have at the moment at least three good ideas for some posts...of course i won't write them now, even though they are fresh on my mind, and inevitably i will forget them when it comes time to plop myself in front of the screen and go to it...if i ever get that chance.

so let this be my prologue, the introduction to what i hope is my return to the blog - i don't know how many times i've said that, but it's one of those things...i made the time..i think - rather what are the things i do when i get angry at the world - shut out people, tune out the world, get angry and keep to myself, write(in some form or another), and that time is coming around again...so when opportunity meets something..i don't know the phrase, but here i am...










"born to lose, destined to fail.."

Alright, Still

enough's enough
is enough...

if you really want something done, you'll do it.

apparently it has been one month since i last updated...it's funny but in a sad way what happens when i wanna blog...when i have things to blog about i'm too busy to blog about them..and when nothing is going on i don't want to dump (even more than normal) crap out onto my pages...but thanks to my avid readers keeping up on me, and my guilty promises i am back once again to write another day.

when i miss a day that i feel everyone should hear about, i put everything on pause until i write that blog, which in most cases is never...and while doing so i neglect any future posts that may be as equally entertaining..all because i am behind....

it's like the boyfriend/husband who is coming home late because he was hanging out with his buddies, but before he walks in the door to find his angry wife, he walks around the block, trying to think of a legitimate excuse for his tardiness, all the while becoming more and more late in the process....it's a viscous cycle and i get sucked in the whirlpool of it right down the drain...

and for the past month of not writing i've been thinking of more posts, more things to write about, that just slip away...great stories, better quotes...all forgotten..just like everything else in life.

so i made a promise, a pinkie promise at that, that i would update by tonight..and if you know me, a pinkie promise is everything...funny how things i learned on the playground still apply today..so, as promised, here it is....hope you're enjoying...

nike had it right with their slogan, "just do it" - nothing could be further from the truth...if you want something accomplished, then do it..actions speak louder than words (funny, yes, i'm blogging words..but it's the act of the blogging..blogging the words...?) i've sat here and thought to myself, and said to myself that i need to blog..just like i need to workout..or do a dozen other things on my daily to-do list i have...but it's just me speaking the words, it's just me that the actions will help out..it's just me who gets yelled at...it's just me doing the yelling, if any...

so next time you ever have something to do..my advice...less talk, more work...just as prayer is useless to getting things accomplished, so is talking about it...

so here it is, a fresh start one month later..how did i get back from ElEh..what's this about a dog..who's this new love...what is the approximate dimensions of a jail cell....all these questions and more will be revealed at a much later date..till then stayed tuned ;-)










"it's only 6pm...i'm only three hours into my day! give me a minute..."

Long Overdue

Can you feel it..
because i don't want to...

it's here....what you ask...well, a lot of things....it's my first post in a long time, even longer if you don't count that half-assed internet down update...this is the first worthy post in some time...maybe this month...wow...

what else is here...the holiday season...that's here too..what with thanksgiving yesterday and Black Friday today...people putting up their xmas trees and radio stations, now legally, playing xmas music...

and even though november is coming to a close...something else is here too...that seasonal thing i love oh so dearly...

but i won't get into it, i don't want to be called out as some big bitch, or little bitch either....but you know what i hate...criticism...i've received too much flack for this blog and my daily updates...so far as to it not being called a blog but a 'day-log'......

definition: A blog (a contraction of the term "Web log") is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.

personal blog: The personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read by anyone but them. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream, but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following. A type of personal blog is referred to as "microblogging," which is extremely detailed blogging as it seeks to capture a moment in time. Sites, such as Twitter, allow bloggers to share thoughts and feelings instantaneously with friends and family and is much faster than e-mailing or writing. This form of social media lends to an online generation already too busy to keep in touch.

back in my hay-day when i was part of a triumvirate who ran a website that caused a lot of noise in highschool and had me getting escorted to classes by law enforcement, one of the things we learned number one was, update....update update update...you won't keep a fan base if you don't update regularly...we did our best to do so, but looking back, and even then, we knew we could have done a lot better of a job...

looking back at the posts from the past from years prior, i tried to do just that...update everyday...2003 and 2004 came close...of course i remember the great streak where i had 12 posts in something like 2 hours...back in the day...

is my blog any less of a blog just because everyday you see an update...don't other bloggers try to do this....i mean, i blog for myself, as most bloggers do the same...it's a personal journal..something i do for myself, and if others read it, well then, ok...i always have said my perfect girlfriend would read my blog as it is a better insight to my mind...but as for understanding...it'll help..but not much...i'll just appreciate you more

and as for pissing off people...it seems that's the only thing i am good for..whether it be this blog or through my twitter..or my fake facebook identity..bob johnson...it seems as if i ever post a comment or status or whatever with Bob, it comes back to me...through multiple people...ok, i didn't think i would ever have to spell it out for all y'all, but seriously...the jangus is my 'real' account, bob johnson is my 'fake' account...but that's to say that everything on facebook isn't a big joke anyways...for reals people, get a fucking life and quit being so god damned vain...

so the seasonal depression is here, the internet is back up, so i'm sure you'll be getting more blog updates..funny how i have the will to do nothing at all, yet i promise updates...well, i never promised..i only make promises i can keep...

read if you want...i do this for me, not you.. i'm not looking for a fan base, i'm not hoping to be made famous, to be published..this is an outlet for me and my thoughts, my daily shit...if you read into what i write the wrong way, it's because you done fucked it up and don't understand...because, at one time you did...

"dammit...you know it's the holidays when you go shopping and you hear *cling cling cling* fucking salvation army...."

Back to Reality...

where things suck...
and people suck more...

it's almost 9am on this Ohio morning..last night was the first night i was actually awoken by noises or people coming down the stairs..i wake up before my alarm goes off, and just lay there..i don't want to get up. my phone quacks and i shut it off, i know i have to get on my way now for if i don't, i'll just be angry i got off to a late start...i dress and gather my things. i double check to make sure i got it all before i go upstairs to wake TJ, letting him know i was leaving.

we say our goodbyes, and i drive off into the morning with my back to the rising sun. initially i made a wrong turn, getting onto the southbound ramp of the highway i needed, i fucking hate getting lost in places i am unfamiliar with..i supposed you really couldn't get lost if you knew where you were though, so whatever..i throw my worthless iphone around in the cabin of my car like a red-headed step child..had the window been open, that shit would have been electronic roadkill...

i make the necessary turn around and get back on track...i'm heading to indy, this time it's for reals. my friend joy texts me throughout my trip, i think she's the only one i know up at this hour...ok, maybe i know only two people..whatever..she eventually calls me after her breakfast and we talk..she tries to keep me on the straight and narrow path of forgetting my ex, exploiting all the wrongs that she did and continues to do...i feel like i am being brainwashed, but i drink from the Kool-Aid anyways..in desperate times we cling to what seems the most comforting - a bottle of booze, a cock inside ya, religion, whatever makes things easier on you...(in some cases, a mixture of what i just said)

i get on a kick and tell Joy that if when she is 35 and still not married, we'll do the deed - i think i've made promises like these before in life, but nobody i still talk to, so i'm good. she corrects me by changing the date, she tells me if she is 28 and not married yet, we will tie those knots. we pick today's date, well sorta, we originally pick today's date, but i check and find out October 12th is the Saturday, so we go with that...it makes me feel better, something said just to make me smile...

But five years? are you kidding me...like, we would need to start planning the wedding in four years..i don't feel as if that's enough time for me to move on and find someone else...five years flies by quickly..hell, i was with buttercup a year and a half...that didn't seem that long...four years will be here before i know it...

i've got cold feet already. i reach the Indiana boarder and i think what a horrible idea it would be to marry my friend Joy..had this been three years ago, when i said let's get married in a half-hearted whimsical fashion, sure...but things are different now...i've only been wanting to date the girl since i knew her, but as time passed, we forged a great friendship, one without the possibility for any sexual activity whatsoever - her making this decision long ago, and me accepting it a little later...we are both too similar to try and be in a relationship with one another - if there was a female version of me, she'd come pretty close..and well, that can't bode well...

back to my place, it's 230..just enough time to take it easy, a nice pace to get ready for work..

i stroll into work a little earlier than usual in hopes i can get some food..well, there was food available, it just wasn't that edible..in the process of trying to feed myself i turn to my right and who do i see - oh, it's pat...i sit down, ignoring him, but he eventually comes up to me, asking what happened with yesterday...i go through my side of the story...he doesn't remember a thing, he barley remembers speaking to soapy manager..he was so fucking blitzed out of his mind on drugs and alcohol he couldn't keep his word to take my shift...

it's not the first time i have been on the receiving end of the short stick from Pat...asshole. so he asks who's gonna be in trouble, word from the host staff tells me that we are both getting written up, but i know since it was my shift and not in the book officially for him to take it, it's all gonna be on me, but we'll see.

i'm on patio with another server, i make a vow that if i make 200 i'll go gambling...see, when i'm on patio, which is a lot, i hardly ever make money..soo i'm saying the odds are against me..get it..anyways...the night goes on, i deal with a table that tried to be fun, but are just assholes, i get the verbal tip from them on a $500 bill..had they tipped what they should have..in the end, i think i would have actually made 200...go figure, such is life.

i return home, funny no text messages in reply from last night...cool..i know my friend Carol isn't coming this weekend anymore, so i have the night to myself i suppose..i have tomorrow off, so i can stay up all night..but where's the fun in that..i am reminded of a conversation i had on Tuesday with Joy when she was talking about how she stays up all night, will take a cat nap, then be running on the treadmill and whatever..i responded with, "sounds like our (TJ and mine) lives..only with out the treadmill.." TJ interjects, "and the things to do.." ughh, i just want to sleep

i make a call on over to the ex, i want to see her tomorrow - i'm still a little upset i was dropped mid conversation then had no apology or explanatory text the next day, friends will do that, because friends care, right? then i shoot her a text because i got the voicemail..i ask for some things that i know are in her trunk, and i know she will be passing through Indy tomorrow..i ask for 15 minutes - she calls and tells me nothing is just 15 minutes with me...she asks what do i really want - i go off on a tangent about my father's visit...i waste 50 minutes of her time spilling my heart and true emotion from that weekend, i apologize for all the wrong i may have caused, and i start talking about our relationship..i honestly didn't want to go there, but it all bleeds together..she's tired and has had enough, she tells me she is going to bed and doesn't know if she'll stop by or not tomorrow...

i go about cleaning my room and starting laundry..it's well after 2am...i eventually stop the madness and go to sleep somewhere after 4, i have a big day tomorrow and i don't expect to see her either...

"the only thing you ever hear me say is 'i hate you'.."

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Like a Pheonix from the Ashes,

this blog is reborn....

It’s 3am on a what used to be Sunday night and I am blogging for the first time in a decade...ok, a couple years, but it’s seemed like that long to me and my following, and after a tumultuous night like tonight, who could blame me...I’ve attempted to keep a log of activity and sorts through the time that has passed, some failed attempts at updating the blog, others would be saved as word files stashed away in a document file like a box in the basement covered in dust - others are captured via a digital recorder never to be played again - and still others are scribbled away in a book only I can decipher...so at least I have attempted to keep it going.

When I was aboard the cruise ship one of my waiters told me how much she wanted to blog, and get back into writing...so I said, “then just do it”...i had to keep on her, to hound her....you can talk all you want..but actions speak louder than words, its true...there was nothing stopping her from writing, she just didn’t have the discipline...and if you really want to do something, you’ll make time for that, literally and figuratively. That’s why when TJ said to me tonight he wished I still blogged, I replied, so do i...because I do, I do miss it as a means of expressions, cheap therapy, whatever you want to call it I think The Jangus needs a little of it back in his life...

I guess it all really started with the purchase of a book entitled, “The Waiter Rant” by The Waiter. As I started to read through it felt a sense of connection, it seemed to parallel my life - not too hard, I am a waiter myself, hence the purchase...but the line that struck predominately was, “waiting was meant to temporary til i figured out what i wanted to do with my life...that was seven years ago”. Granted I have only been serving for four years, that’s close enough in my eyes...oh, one thing I will mention..he uses the word waiter, duh look at the title, he seems to be an intelligent person, yet doesn’t use what I believe should be the correct form, as I have been taught by others, server..waiter is such an outdated word..like saying stewardess...i don’t know, I hate to get all PC and shit...but yeah, server, not waiter...

Random story over, the Waiter essentially started everything out with a blog...he kept it updated, started off slowly, took a couple years off, got back into it, gathered a following, and walla, a book published from his stories...kinda the same deal with the Tucker Maxx every guy guy....if you ever notice any hostility towards these two, it’s rightfully noted to be jealousy...i seriously hate the fact that any other server in the country could have done the same, or probably are doing the same thing, and have a book published, be all rich and famous...just for telling the stories that happen on a daily basis across the world...these are everyday people telling stories I know firsthand..why didn’t TJ and I think of this..it’s not hard, how’d these guys get so lucky...and there it is, it’s just that..dumb fucking luck....

But back to what’s at hand...what an amazingly fucked up night it was...i guess it all started with a tune I had in my head...the song “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding) by Bob Dylan. Whether it was the news I had just received that made rock bottom just fall out or just what I had that ditty in my head..Maybe I wanted to hear it for that past couple days or so who knows, but I kept it fresh in memory and decided I’d play it when I got home...but much to my surprise it was no longer on my playlist...now I know I have listened to that song a hundred times before, but now that you mention it I do recall a time when I transferred all my music over from my desktop PC to my laptop mac and lost a few files along the way..that must have been one of them...needless to say I did a quick search for it and started to download it...now while my RoadRunner internet it grand, its still a 7 minute song, so I searched the lyrics because it had been awhile since I had actually heard it in full...and as I scanned over the lengthy amount of words there was one line I pulled out, one that stuck out in my head particularly much, but it wasn’t the verse i normally go to..this time it was, ”he not busy being born is busy dying” Such a powerful phrase I don’t know why it never caught my attention before, or how it caught mine this time...i im’ed it over to TJ..we were talking about twelve other things, as usual, so I sent it over to him again made it a point to get his attention on it..he still blew it off...he likes to read, but he’s not one for the pretty words, go figure..

The song downloads, I play it, listen to it, it repeats, conversation on aim slows down enough for me to start reading more of The Waiter Rant...and as I near the end of chapter 15 I shit you not the Waiter actually quotes it. Of course I flip out, started im’ing TJ - I’m one who believes in things are connected, signs, and all that other weird shit that goes on, he’s got much a more level head on him so I go to him for balance I guess. I ask him what are the odds that all this could have happened, he's reserved and replies with slim..but then it gets out of control when TJ visits The Waiters website. I’ve only been telling him about this book for the past two weeks thinking he’d look up the website, go out and buy the book like he normally does, no, he waits til today to do any of that, and whats the title of the Waiters Blog for the day..."Gallbladders and Death" just plain out errie...

About this time is also when all hell broke loose. In my need to keep moving I have an internet browser open with many tabs for me to click on and check the latest updates of things going on around me..the normal stuff like twitter, facebook, myspace, my fantasy football team, gmail, all the shit like that...it gets old believe me, and I’ll just sit there and click on every last on of them, refreshing their pages, just to see something new...anyways I noticed I had several notifications on facebook, comments on my pictures, and people tagging themselves in them...well, one person in particular, the ex. So I look to see what delightful comment she mad about some picture of us together she didn’t want to see, at least that’s what I am thinking, but low and behold it was on a picture of a friend of mine, a friend who’s a girl, and so I’m confused, until I read the comment, then I get really confused...”Nice to know I was the only girl in your life.....”

Now let me make this clear...my ex was the only girl, as a girlfriend, in my life when she was my girlfriend..now I did have friends that were girls I would hang out with that she didn’t care for, but still just friends...i am outraged at the ex’s comments and I make one back, a lengthy one telling her how it was an old friend I hadn’t seen in over three years, the picture was in fact taken after she broke up with me, but there was no intent on either party for some random hooking up or anything of the sorts, it was more of a “hey, I haven’t seen you in three years” sorta thing...is it that hard to imagine?

But in reality I posted these pictures earlier today, with full intentions on what I was doing...i purposefully didn’t tag the ex in any of the pictures because I felt I didn’t need to do so as she was the ex, I mean she’s already been untagged out of every other picture I have posted...was there more intent than that, I mean I rarely upload pictures to begin with..but my summer series was intended on having two parts with the first already posted, and summer has pretty much came to a close here, so why not...in fact I probably picked other pictures I wouldn’t have posted should the ex not be the ex, it would have been more of us, so I just threw a few in...maybe the picture of the old friend was too much, but it was the most random day of the summer I’d say by far..

But the picture of the old friend, aye, theres the rub...the photo was taken solely because the clothing, actions, and presence reminded me of another picture I had once taken...actually, now that I pause and think about it, this will be the second time this old friend has had a double photo..now that’s just weird...she’s...she’s like a fucking replicater or something...HOWEVER, the picture was posted not to upset anyone, it was merely the only documentation I had for what I called the most random night of the second half of summer..no harm, no foul.

So comments are made, texting the ex begins and I’m getting in trouble for doing the one thing she hated that I did when we were together, have friends that were girls...i’m trying to make this work and she throws that in my face...as if having a girl pause friend is that bad...i never meant any harm by it and didn’t know it would cause this commotion..

During this time I noticed via my facebook notifications that the ex is tagging herself in photos...then after the argument she starts untagging herself...leaving only a few, one of which I lok like I’m an asshole because I wont look at the camera due to the fact I’m driving in downtown Chicago trying to not get us killed...so I flip my shit and decided to give it to her, she got tagged in every single one of those pictures she was in, whether she liked it or not...maybe it was just too much proof that she did enjoy hanging out with the jangus...i don’t know..i never will

Needless to say the texts go nowhere, I’m sure she threw her phone, turned it off, or just ignored it all together, I stopped getting replies so I stopped bothering...but all the while that was going down I started to get other im’s and text from others, people I hadn’t really talked to on a daily basis...it’s amazing to see the people who come out of the woodwork when you’re feeling blue. A good friend of mine whom I never really get to talk to on a regular basis asked me if I was ok, just out of the blue..i had to ask her how she knew something was wrong, apparently my status updates via my twitter are a dead give-away for a heartbroken Jangus.

The friend, as well as others, actually said they had never known me before to show any other emotion than sarcasm and for the first time they see me truly upset...well, it’s been a couple years, probably around the time I blogged last, if not prior that I had any feeling such as this..things like this are reserved as some sort of nonrenewable resource..

I conversed with my friends, told them how I did wrong, let them know what’s going on in my world, repeated the phrases that crushed me that nobody should ever have to hear and I’ll save you from reading them - they offered me their support, it felt good to know I still wasn’t a fuck up in everybody’s eyes and that I had a shoulder to lean on when here I thought I was sure to fall.

After all that dust settled, all the commenting on pictures, the text messages, the pleas, the support I thought the night would be coming to a close, but not tonight..i keep asking if it’s a full moon but I don’t think it is...in just enough time for me to catch my emotional breath, THE EX comes online, we all know her as, well, I don’t know, bitch? Or I really don’t have a name for her...anyways, I keep her on my buddy list in part because it’s set up through my address book from my phone..why do you have her in your phone you ask..well, she’s listed as the contact as “Don’t Answer” if that gives you any clue...i was tired of getting a phone call or text every other year from her and not knowing it was her, so I safeguarded myself against any future plight I may have...So she appears online, the only person it her buddy list category so I notice right away; and what do I see but her away status is that of Bob Dylan’s “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding)...are you kidding me?

Now this leads me to do the unthinkable and probably regrettable, I im’ed her..just commenting on her status..she didn’t reply, instead she changed her status to say “Fuck yourself”, nice...i commented back and that got things going...i was a fool for messaging her in the first place, by letting my guard down I opened a flood gate of shit to come plowing down on me...she called the ex smart for leaving me, good for her, called me a drama queen, a lier, a horrible person, the same person she knew when she was in highschool...to all of these things I retorted back shooting holes through every one of those accusations..she couldn’t just tell me straight up how I wronged her or somebody else, she just had made her judgement and wasn’t gonna change it..this sounds like a couple people I know and one already listed.

I decided I had been nice long enough and blew her out of the water asking her a question that we both just overlooked out of necessity...i got hot and asked, “remember that time I was in chicago last year and you wanted me to fuck you..but i didn't, because it was the right thing..wasnt it? i'm not that bad of a person after all, am i?” of course she, shellshocked, tried to blow it off with excuses of being drunk, unsatisfying, and that was a year ago, but it happened none-the-less, and I refrained from acting upon it, like any good hearted person would have done. After that slap in the face the conversation went more casual, no more yelling or arguing or name calling, it became quasi-pleasant...but of course she had to leave on a sour note...i was wrong for im’ing her...fucking status

So throughout this whole debauchery TJ was laying the smack down with quotes and status updates to help support my cause...my favorite is when he posted a status as, “
TJ says "LEEAAAVEE THE JANGUS ALOOONE!" like that YouTube guy sticking up for B.Spears...” that definitely put a smile on my face, as I think it would for anyone even looking at that nonsense..

i try to be strong, I try to be devoid of emotion because it shows weakness, and when you’re weak, you’re prime for the kill, just like The EX tried to do..she’d probably been planning on ripping into me like a wolverine as I have become a wounded fawn..TJ’s there as my go-to guy, I call him my coach as he is doing his best to snap me out of this funk..and the things he says are completely accurate and true, I’ll admit, he’s right this time, but I wished I could just remove this feeling of care, that’d make everything better...you could beat me the wrongs of the ex til I bleed, but I ill still miss it...and are these things that TJ says to be so true, granted the ex did not like it when I hung out with girls, or added girls as friends on facebook, and other really absurd stuff that I would complain about..but I also manifest hatred and wrong doings to make me out to be the victim...it’s a horrible thing I know...but this is why I hate relationships, this is why I cannot commit to anything..i never wanna get hurt, but when push comes to shove, I’ll turn you into the bad guy and wear the victim mask..i don’t know it it’s because I’m afraid to fail, afraid to stand on my own two feet, afraid to take responsibility for my actions, and if so...the bigger question I want to know is, why?

So as my computer laughingly tells me it’s 5am I realize I should be wrapping this up..yes I have a lot more to say, but I don’t have the time, nor the appetite as my stomach is growling once again. I am sorry it had to end on this note....oh, how did rock bottom give out...i’m not moving to Troy..goodnight.

"He not busy being born is busy dying"