Blowjobs

girls don't know,
but they think they do...

time to set the record straight.

Dear Girls, you do NOT give the best blowjobs ever, end of story...no no..don't give me that bullshit, "well every guy i've blown has said i'm the best" Does that not give it away right there?! or does your super inflated ego block the obvious from showing through...

this is my issue...every girl i've ever talked to about blowjobs claims to give the best blowjobs ever. I know this to not be true and somebody needs to set people right. I've had my share of blowjobs, i've had one girl who was consistently decent, other than that they are less noteworthy than what I happened to be wearing at the time.

Girls, your blowjobs are not the best ever. I think it's kinda funny that women will call men liars about everything, until it comes to sexual related things. "all men lie about where they were, why they were out so late, who they were with, etc.." but they would never lie about your performance in bed...never.

Wrong.

Men lie about it so you'll keep doing it. Women are really super sensitive when it comes to issues of sex and most have complexes over their body, performance, what have you. Even the most mild conversation in any attempt on correcting a procedure will only amount to an argument, crying, and the threat of never doing it again because "they only do it wrong" in our eyes.

So men created this scheme after going down that troublesome road, just tell them they are great so we can still get a half-assed bj in hopes that it will eventually get better.

when you were in kindergarten and your teacher and your parents all were soooo proud of your little drawing, said you were the best, hung it on the fridge..didn't that feel good? it made you want to continue with your life, essentially..but looking back at that drawing now, you realized all those people lied just to keep your spirits up.

Women are children.

The only difference is, women never grow up and look back to see that their bj's really were not that great - they take their men's word as gospel and brag about it to their girlfriends and potential men later in their life.

no man will say the truth because, even though as bad as it is, it's something, and we do not want to lose that...well, i tell the truth

short story: One time long ago, this girl kept bragging all night about how she couldn't believe that i've never received a good blowjob, and how she gave such great head. So later on in the evening, i put her to the test. I won't go into detail of the variables that automatically disqualified her from giving me a great blowjob, but in the end, it was "meh". As she finished she gave me a cocky look saying "well?" to which i respond, "yeah, still have yet to get a good blowjob"

Yes I came, but the ends does not justify the means...just because I came does not mean it was a good bj - for the record I forced myself to come just to make it end. And I can hear all your whinny little protests from here, but I'll have none of that! Cumming does not equal amazing, a warm bagel can make me cum, that doesn't mean that's how i'll eat all my sandwiches.

I already know I'm going to have a part two to this blowjob topic, the next covering techniques, formalities, and so forth...this was more of an informational/setting the record straight post

let me state this to clarify, I'm not saying no girl can give a great blowjob, I'm just saying, bitch, you probably ain't the best...so to avoid humiliation and me losing all respect for you, don't say yous the best, says yous good, but not the michael jordan of sucking cock

everybody sucks cock differently, every cock likes different things...if you were that good, he'd still be hanging onto you now...just sayin'










"Girl, yous like Frosted Flakes, cuz you're Grrrrrrrreat!"

I'm Baaaack...

From LA that is....
maybe to blogging as well...

but let's not get our hopes up...

el eh el eh...oh what a trip it was, but the time spent in el eh was actually relatively small, details to follow in another post..i left the midwest at noon eastern time friday...made a stop in st louis at the same time i departed..i love transcending time and space..two hour layover later i was back in the air...ughh, how i hate flying...mainly my panicking takes places from take off til about 10 minutes later when we are in the air...then i go to sleep overdosed on Dramamine and alcohol...it would have been awesome to have slept all the way to El Eh but the pilot kept interrupting my nap with *ding*Ahhhhh yeah, if you look out to your left you can see* i don't care...the last thing i want while i'm riding in a plane is to notice landmarks miles and miles below me....is that so when we crash i can say, oh, at least i got to see death valley...fuck that.

i land in El Eh and right off the bat i'm a stranger in a strange land. it wasn't a disco..and it sure as hell wasn't a country club...my friend had emailed me directions on how to get to her place..hopping on a bus to the train, change colored lines, ended up somewhere where a roommate would pick me up..convoluted but after having done it once it all made sense. i asked the nice elderly lady behind the guest help desk at the airport where to catch the greenline metro bus....which is the first time i was yelled at...

so i went to where the lady told me to go....a bus pulls up but it's for the red line...everybody around me gets on..i'm the only one left standing there like a tard..the bus driver now is yelling at me "red line! red line!" i tell him green line...to which he yells for me to go somewhere else..just as i see the green line bus drive by...ughhh

El Eh has the best customer service, ever. the green line goes a little more smoothly...we get to the train station and once again i am lost...i try to follow the herd as some go to a ticket machine, others run up the flight of stairs all the while thinking of those little lemurs who off themselves following the person ahead of them..i go to the ticket machine then head up the stairs..only to just miss that train...well, i guess i know better for next time..

the train ride was an experience let me tell you....the green line had a bit of redemption and welcoming to the city that made me think and feel like this could be home. at one of the various stops an african-american gentleman wearing earphones and a backpack gets on, standing in proximity of me. at this point in the trip i believe i turned off my music to conserve battery in my phone, but left my one ear piece in. i start to hear a bit of music faintly coming from somewhere..i couldn't tell if it was part of the metro car i was in, or someone else..i started to narrow it down coming to the conclusion it was coming from the black guy who just got on...but what was more striking was what i heard. the music had a familiar sound, but it was just faint enough i couldn't readily make it out..

only after the next stop once things got quiet on the train again was i able to hear for certain what it was. i made a gesture to the guy to take out an earpiece, which he obliged looking at first like he was gonna kill me, and then i proceeded to ask him, "are you listening to Ratatat?!" his face changed over to a bit of shock and excitement and concurred that it indeed was what he was listening to. our exchange was short but it left me with a good feeling, also noting that i had just been listening to Ratatat on the bus

as i left the car at my stop the guy wished me a farewell and i head onto the blue line. on that train line i witnessed a bootlegger attempt to hit on a ghetto girl..it's amazing to see the cultural differences on how to pick up women..all sociological studies should be made on trains, you literally get every walk of life. i did my best to contain my laughter by looking away only to have it stirred up by the psycho behind me cursing to himself. the ride was only topped off when the crazy cart lady came on selling sodas and candy from her mobile business device.

it was shortly after that the train came to it's last stop and i moved on to the red line...or so i thought. while waiting in the designated area, i failed to see that two trains ran on the same line, one red, one purple...for you color blind people, sorry about ya. so i see the train approach, the doors open, we left off passengers, and just as i am about to get on this old man starts talking to me, asking me if i am going to hollywood..why yes i am, he then proceeds to tell me it's the next train...at this point i've had about enough El Eh hospitality and think he's fucking with me so he can ensure a spot for himself on this car. i try to understand his reasoning pointing at the sign that says "To Hollywood" wherein he raises he cane and points, at what i believe from my angle to be the same sign..little did i know he was trying to point to the side of the train itself that said it was the purple line going elsewhere...this is about the time he screams at me and another kind lady tells me hollywood is the next train...obliged i step back and wait.

the next train arrives and i get on, making sure i can clearly see the sign on the side of the train that indicates it is going to hollywood...a few more little stops and i was where i needed to be, santa monica blvd. i continued following the outlined directions given to me in my email as my phone was hanging on to it's last percentage of battery life. i called the number for the roommate to come and pick me up - apparently they live just down the road, but people frown upon walking in El Eh, so the roommate came and got me at the corner...

i just put a lot of trust in people i didn't know, when in fact i don't trust many people i do know..










"yeah, you'll notice me, i'll be the one who looks like a tourist and doesn't belong.."

Best Night in Indy

Playboy Party..
Raceweekend..

need i say anymore?!

on what could have been a really shitty day, i somehow focused in on the positive notes, or rather i ignored those negatives and made my own positives...maybe that's what life is all about after all. it's the saturday of race weekend, the day before the race, almost the last day to be chaotic - parades, alcohol, parties, and more consumption are what is on the minds of the majority of the new weekend residents of indy.

every year indy invites half a million people to come in and destroy it's town all in good fun of the sport of racing..and for those in the industry, it means long hours and getting all your bills paid in that week (unless you partake in the parties, then you're right back where you started, but you only live once..) today is in the top three busiest days of the year for our restaurant, and that being said you know tensions are high, longer shifts create a more tired, more irritable workstaff, which can create a lot of problems when people are already strung out on their last wit's end.

it was last night after i closed out my last tab and walked back to the car when i felt how tired i really was - and given that yesterday was my day off and i had only been out partying for three hours i knew it wasn't looking good for saturday.

because of all the activities downtown many streets that i normally would take were blocked off, parking a complete nightmare, but even given all that i was only five minutes late to work - good since i even got off to a late start...but the kicker would be when i found out i needed to be in thirty minutes earlier than what i thought, whoops. and it continued to go downhill from there...my first table was sat, then left to go to the parade..so my next table was at noon..a one top, who just ordered an appetizer....but then the parade was over and we got busy..well, everyone else but me..i had two two-tops and an 8 top...and then i tried to pick up as much business in the cocktail lounge to help the bartender out...and then a 17 top was getting sat in the cocktail area..but a server who just got on the floor swooped in while my back was turned and took it from me....

after the rush was over i ran my checkout and took a break..i don't know if i was supposed to, but i didn't care at that point...i bought an energy drink and sat on the circle to watch people...it felt good to sit...but i knew i had to return eventually and i did just that. i was energized and that puts me into a good mood - that and i like to be loud and obnoxious just to make myself smile..and some other people do too (i'm on a boat mother fucker!). my tables at dinner are nice, not with the tipping, but they are not assholes..plus i'm still in a good mood (even though i'm not making any money) so i just roll with it...until the last table...

so this guy makes a reservation for the busiest weekend in indy for 7 people - side note the way our tables are able to expand and open up the max you can put on a round table is 7, should you need more than that another table with an extender is needed..so a week before the reservation the guy calls back and asks for the table to be for 8, he is told that it is not possible as we are fully committed and do not have an extra table to throw onto for his party...he says ok leave it for 7...well, you can see where this is going...

it's their reservation time and i just got the prior people to leave off the needed table..so as i am heading up to the host stand to confirm the size and let them know the progress i see a man yelling at one of the hosts, demanding he be sat for 8 people..he's a regular in vegas, he'll never dine here again, yadda yadda yadda...so that's my table? after the managers get involved they somehow pull an extra table out of their asses (ok, upstairs storage) and throw it along the side of the original table, now blocking off one of my other tables making it impossible to sit.

as they are being seated, everyone from the host, to my gm, to the cocktailer who ordered them drinks are telling me what fucking pricks they are..greaaaaaat. i approach the table and use my very stern, very professional tone and demeanor with them..it's a table full of alpha males, but the prick who went off on the host is definitely the one in charge...it doesn't take me long to break down the gentlemen and establish a comfortable rapport with them..they actually seem to like me, good..

throughout the service i am receiving high regards and very casual talk from the dominant male, i think all is well...of course until the bill comes. Man prick doesn't pay but one of his slackies does...it's an eight top, i only got them to 700, horrible, and they only tipped $80, even more horrible..but it's my last table and i just want to get home - no sets to make, no sidework for me to do, i'm a happy man. (especially since i watched the ending seconds of the Lakers game with Ludacris, talking shit with him)

before i leave i take one more look into the hotel adjoining us - yeah, that playboy party is gonna be hella tight....if only there was a way to get in....










"boobies, everywhere!"

Novelty, Idea

pogs, love,
friends, pets...

the novelty that is my life

Do you remember gigapets, or hypercolor clothing, or cabbage patch kids, or anything random you absolutely had to have at the time and it was all you ever wanted in life and maybe you still have it, locked away in a storage space, covered in other boxes or dust..and looking back you are all like, 'what was i thinking?" yeah, that's me.

i don't know what it is about me or my personality, but i have found that is has the same results time and time again. i am nothing more than a piece of novelty that people have in their life for a brief period of time. from friends to girlfriends, it's always the same reasoning - because i'm not the norm. what is it that makes me so different - is it my rebellious ways, the crazy energy, the sarcasm dripping off of every comment, the intellectual humor, the utter disregard for standard social norms? please, someone tell me...

one thing that i have found, when it comes to my friends, they have been envious of the lifestyle i have lived..i remember one spring many moons ago my friends were on break from college, they came back to their respective homelands and hung out with me...after a few nights they said they were having the most fun they've had all year, and asked if this is what i, and some of the regulars in my life, did every night...but of course..it didn't seem out of place for me at the time, but looking back, i can kinda see why people were loving it and wanting more..

other friends have thanked me for the impact i have made on their lives, showing them you don't always have to take the same route every time...that they don't have to be so uptight when it comes to life and to laugh a lil...i honestly do not know what is it that i do, like i said, i'm still trying to figure half this shit out..

most of the time i find that friends will come into my circle because they so happened to have known someone already in the circle and with that initial experience want to keep up my lifestyle...only to fall short every time..people will try to roll with the jangus, but only few will be able to match it.

as for girlfriends..i think that group is the wisest....at first they desire the 'crazy rambunctious guy' but when they realize it's not a front, that it is a constant, that i can not settle down, they go in one of two directions..either they will A) walk away knowing better, or 2) do what most girls do in any situation involving a guy, try to change him..Of course we all know how that works out on any guy, but given someone who is as stubborn as me and you got a battle where i'll never back down....

but the worst thing about this is all is the effects it has on me...once you start being treated like a novelty, once you start realizing you are just a novelty, you start making everything around you a novelty as well, thus propagating the circle even more..which, when happens, is just a snowball effect with no looking back.

take for example my residence or state of living for the past 8 years.....2 years in NWI, then 2 years in Btown, then 2 seasons in CP, and i'm about to approach on the 2 year mark here in indy....things that didn't last the two year mark, Hawai'i and UofM..funny how those are two of the things that i would take up on another venture....until that other year runs out more than likely, and than i'll be onto somewhere new...the terrible two's i calls it

can i stay in a place more than 2 years, on my own - since anything pre-18 doesn't really count...i don't know...i've never tried it, i've always bailed as the two year itch started in. and in all honesty it doesn't make a lick of sense to pack and leave after two years, because by that two year mark i've made my way through the city, know the in's and out's, what's good, who to get the hookups from, etc...i'm pretty much made by the second year, but i give it all up to start a new...to be fresh meat somewhere else...why?

and because of my erratic living conditions, hopping from state to state, keeping a steady girlfriend is the last of my concerns..diamonds are forever, jangus is not. not until i settle down in a place, like really settle and be content with, am i ready to have a serious/steady relationship....granted, there have been girls to make me think it's almost possible, and i'll change my ways to follow them across the globe..but in the end, i know myself best and i grow weary of where i am and how i got there.

now this is just the beginning of me and my effects i have on people...i suppose i can start new label for this type of thing as it can almost be it's own little series...that's what my blog needs, groupings for the blogs, to depict what shit you are reading...i mean the categories do that, but you can break it down from things like quotes, or the different years, like the Bloo years, or the CP years...oh man...speaking of cp..the effects i had on people at cp, those are worth many stories...










"They have a popcorn machine, a gigantic telescope, a slot machine, and yet live in poverty - yeah with all of this impulse/novelty bullshit you'd think they'd own jangus by now"

Mother May I..

longest day of the year...
..felt like today

give me the strength to make it til tomorrow...

let me start this off with a nice positive note...Happy Mother's Day to all my future Baby Mommas out there...that out of the way, onto other matters, ughhhhhhhhhhh. as i tend to say, before i go into what happened on this sunday, i'll say it all started yesterday...and really i can say it started the day before that...or the day before that....there's always something prior that's for sure...

Saturday - my first day back to work from the trip to ohio..so the prior back stories are that even though i may not have worked thursday nor friday - my first days off since..weeks? - both days were chaotic and stressfull enough - and i am beginning to hate driving in a car for long points in time all of a sudden now.....to sum it all up...saturday was a really long day...i worked a double...it was decently nice out, yet the patio didn't have the pop like it has had the past couple of weeks...they called in two extra servers in 'fears of the rush' ultimately dropping everyone's cover count to about eight guests...and even though it sounds like we were standing around with our thumbs up our asses, we actually weren't....we were all keeping busy either on sidework, or random tasks the managers felt needed to be done. My favorite was when we, as in the 2 breakfast and 2 lunch servers, were given the inventory sheets and told to go at it...then about an hour or so later two other servers come strolling in to, uhh, save us...from the rush? obviously since we were doing more work on those sheets than with guests...

but despite having too many servers i never got a break and rolled right into my evening shift - though i kept my spirits throughout my entire night shift, even with what could have been a disastrous conversation, i am never serious, thus taking the more comedic side to it. i had just did my cash out from lunch and walked into the kitchen to start working on things for the dinner shift.

as i am reading the floor chart and sidework sheets a server walks up to view the items as well when all of a sudden the walrus goes off into this rant about a wristband i have on.."i didn't know you were a faggot, what's with the wristband faggot, did you just get off the court from shooting hoops, god that's gay, you move in with a homo and you turn into one?" i let the server continue with these insults and more, and just sit there..then i think by the look on my face the walrus realizes something is up, that or he just ran out of breath, and now it is my turn...i explain to him that my best friend had passed away this week, we all wore red to the funeral, and i've been wearing that wristband since his passing in memory of him. the walrus interrupts at a point and asks if i was kidding, i chuckle as i reply with "i wish i were joking, but sadly i'm not" the walrus makes a motion of hanging himself, apologizes, but tries to defend himself saying how was he supposed to know....i'm hardly ever serious so i let him know it's all ok, he did not have any way of knowing and i am not going to hold anything against him, it was humorous..and it reminded me i needed to pull my sleeve down a little further as it had worked it's way up on my arm during my first shift.

Even when a conversation got dark i still entertained myself all night with ideas for my next blog, the development of the character of "gary", and all the other random quotes from the night..it was enough to keep my mind occupied....i pooled with another server in one of the private rooms that were available for open seating...funny that my one table of 8 people spent more money than all of his other tables combined...good thing i worked the host stand to get that table in our room as opposed to some other server's section....but as the night started to wind down, so did my energy levels...it was midnight before i got to sit down for the first time all day...and that was when i went to the bathroom...that's right, i pissed sitting down i was that tired - i didn't care how emasculating it was...i needed to sit.

it was a former co-worker's birthday saturday night and she was celebrating it at the cigar bar downtown...lucky for me (or for the owners really) it is located just on the corner of the alley out from my restaurant...so i call my friend to meet me outside - this is twofold A) i don't want to go in and have 'one' drink and get suckered into staying all night long, especially after today, especially having to work tomorrow..and 2) indy still has yet to ban smoking in their bars, so i know that when i go home tonight i'm just gonna passout in the clothes i am wearing..and wreak of smoke...even if i just pop my head in for two seconds, it will attach itself to me like a ditsy blond onto a doctor...

we meet outside, talk for a bit, exchanging the latest news or gossip, talks of work, etc...she knows me to not be one of the people to have sand in my vagina when it comes to hanging out or doing things so she knows something must be up about why i can't stay for very long...then she says to me, "wow, you look tired..and i know you...you can go two days without sleep and still look a lot better than that..you do need to go" ughhh, i carry all my emotion in my face, even if it is all bottled up on the inside.

i depart and head back home, Gary greets me at the front door confused...i left work before him, yet got home after him..i remind him i am a better person than he is and made the effort to at least stop the bar to wish our friend a happy birthday...and even though i was one of few from work who did stop by, i still felt shitty for not staying out, but, that's just me and that's how i roll...no excuses, just live.

i kick off my shoes, which feel permanently attached to my feet, start to derobe, but i do not make it that far before i find myself in my bed, setting the alarm for tomorrow...even earlier time in...and in mid conversation, i fall asleep....










"there's two more hot chicks than wedding rings on that table"

SNOW DAY Part 1

more like blow day...
more like blow me...

it's kinda like a two-four-one...but it's really only two-eight...

it all starts with yesterday, err tuesday...i never got to talk about tuesday, and the only reason i note this is because tuesday was actually worth talking about due to the fact it was a decent day, or night rather...in the end...

of course it started out on a bad note, again with the no sleeping til late/can't get out of bed funk i've been in lately..which completely throws my day out of whack by not giving me enough time to do what i want to do in my day..whatever...so i sit and stew for a better part of the afternoon until it is time for me to leave for work..it's been snowing all day and my car is covered...

i'm leaving for work a little earlier than i normally would, or rather, i left my apartment earlier than i normally would..in the end i realize i should have 'left' a lot sooner..that way i would have not been late...

so i brush off the snow and do all that jazz, and amidst the digging out my car, i go in to start it - therein enters my problem...she turns over, but she won't stay started....now, i just bought a brand new battery last month, and i filled her up with a full tank last night..soooo what gives...

i sit there, and i crank and i crank...holding forward that key, hearing it turn, hearing the motor chug and chug...sometimes she'll take and i'll release the key and after a short few seconds, like a last breath, she putts to a deathly calm. i pop the hood, look inside - god only knows what for - i'm no mechanic, and it's too cold for me to check anything..so i jiggle this and that and continue to scrap off some ice...

i get back in the car, i try some more..i probably spend a good twenty minutes trying, taking small breaks here and there...cursing...then, like from a scene from back to the future as i bang my head on the steering wheel...she starts..kinda....i apply the gas as i turn her over...it works and i release the key, giving just the right amount of pressure on the gas pedal...as i ease off i can feel her start to die..too much, same results...sooo i basically had to feel out the car, knowing what she wanted when she wanted...after about a minute of this toying around i knew she could go on her own (off my life support) i released the gas and she started idling high..but i knew she was running right...

i made the call to work saying i would be late...honestly, had i not gotten the car started i probably would have just called off....given the way the weather was, the way it was not gonna stop snowing, i figured there was gonna be a lot of cancellations for the evening and me being there would just agitate me more...

i get to work thirty minutes late, just as preshift was ending..nobody questioned it at all..i found out what section i was in and went to work...as i was detailing my section and setting it up for the right amount of guests i found a penny nearby one of my tables...it was heads up..so i snatched it up and called it my lucky penny....how this would soon to be plausible...

from that moment on my night picked up...i at one point in the night was running five, yes five tables..a single, two deuces, a three, and a five...granted that was my entire night for covers, it was all i needed...one of my two-tops finished out at $600...and all my tables ignored the "Dirty Thirty" menu and ordered off the real menu..well, all but one..the five top..which were supposed to be the ones to order off the regular menu..such is life i guess....

now i was running around frantic, but keeping my server cool..i mean i'm always quick with my movements, but nobody can ever tell when i am truly weeded..not even me.....with five tables running, all at different courses needing different things and attention, i was still able to run food for people and do a wine presentation to a table..are you kidding me?! on top of all that, my SA sucked balls...i swear i could have done better without him, because...there wouldn't have been a difference..

all in all i ended the night with 1600 in sales, not too shabby if you ask me...i'll take that...and i'll especially take that on a random tuesday night....even more so during the "Dirty Thirty" menu....i enjoyed the part when one of our crappy servers that was in a section near me tried to take a fourth table and soapy told him he couldn't even run the three he had correctly, and i got to take the table...and then i told him, thanks for five!

i had just finished my cash out and took a moment in the office to unwind before i headed out as soapy and i would discuss how bad that server Jude really was...just then a server came in to tell us that the 10:00 reservation was partially arrived..and they were going to wait for their others before they ordered..but get this..after they placed their order they were going to go back to their rooms and have us call them when the food was ready...mind you, it's 1033, they are already 33 minutes late, and technically we are closed..(in reality we say we close at 1030, but as a service to our guests we extend those hours fifteen minutes after what we say...i know i know...why cant anyone tell the truth anymore?)

The chef is in the office and overhears all this as he is talking to his wife..he starts to make comments about how much he loves his life while mentioning something about putting a knife through someone's throat and him laughing at them...ahh, cook humor....he asks the server to get him a drink from the bar..this is about the time i decide to exit, and as i leave the office doors i, in my best chef impersonation, (as he does this weird high pitched noise when mocking people) say, "this place makes me drink" - soapy erupts into laughter as i hear chef muttering to himself...tonight, was a good night..

"hey do you know who my SA is back here - Oh it's me - Oh, well then that explains why i had to greet and water all my tables so far..." ~whoops