Sleepless Nights

painful mornings..
..and a dark tomorrow

I hate feeling, this feeling.

And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.

When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.

Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..

These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..

Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the sabbath..like, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.

I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.

That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.

In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your life...so then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.

This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..

I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.

By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.

I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.

Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.

The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)

I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.

Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.

and she has been orphaned by indifference.










"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"

I Fucked Up

being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble

sometimes I wish I could just be normal

I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.

I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.

Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.

I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....

because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid

I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.

I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.

I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.

That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.

I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.

I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.







"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."

I've Made a Huge Mistake

it's never too late..
..except in this case..

then it's called a regret.

I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.

I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.

This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.

Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.

What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.

And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.

Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.

I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.

At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.

Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.

My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.

I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.

This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.

But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.

So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.

Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.

I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.

All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.

I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.

I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.










"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"

3am Confessions You'll Never Hear

the moments of clarity..
..at our most insane of times...

i can't sleep, enough said.

it's pushing after 3am and i'm wide awake, funny how just three maybe four hours ago i was ready for bed...actually, i was IN bed...yes it needed both the bolding and the caps. i'm merely distracting myself now, doing the one thing i hate the most while writing. focus..focus...

i can't really focus because my mind is mush, bouncing from one intangible to the next. Bob Dylan said never look back, i find it easier said than done...actually, everything is easier said than done when you think about it - i ask of you to try and prove me wrong on that one, i do not have enough energy, devotion, or time to ponder myself, so i continue...it's actions that speak louder than words (unless you have a microphone hooked up to a sound system, then that could get loud...)

i can say all day that i would go sky diving....but until i do, those are just words - and sure sometimes all we have from people is their words, but as we all know, people's words are as good as the breath they are spoken from. (i like it when people chew gum) all people's words do is give you a false sense of security, actions prove (or disprove) their words.

i'm highly off subject right now, as i said, my mind is not anywhere i want it to be. this post will be found too late, nobody will check this in the next couple of hours, and by then, well, we will have wrote history....for the better i am hoping..this is like one of those suicidal cries for help that is left on a voicemail..only to be found much after the fact by the person who said, damn, i always miss their call - i lol'ed. of course, none of this makes sense right now...and i'm not even sure it makes sense to me honestly.

i may be known for saying the truth, setting people straight, calling it like i see it, telling it like it is..but why is it when i want to tell these "truths" that they can't be said, or they won't be heard, or if all those work, it still won't matter in the end. it's hard to get closure when people shut you out of their lives. but then again they say, better late than never?

this writing thing sure is fun..this is probably one of my more chaotic rants, and it never really even eluded to anything at all, but i definitely am enjoying it...maybe it's the daily posts i have to write for school that are making this post possible - did he just say school?! - holy balls i did...i guess i don't update this thing as much as i should..yeah i go to school, yeah it's online classes, yeah what of it.

i made a move, it's beyound risky, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. this, and these, will be the next defining points in my life..and that's a little messed up to say. with all that stress piled on me, it's no wonder i can't sleep and my mind has turned to cottage cheese, without the syphilis of course.

i'm nervous..and i can't sleep...i'm afraid...and i can't sleep..i fucked up..and i can't sleep..i'm doing everything i can..and i can't sleep...and it may not be enough







"can't sleep, clowns will eat me..."








P.S. i just tried to label this post...yeah, i think i got carried away...

Flopped..

best orator ever...
i..er...fuck..

Obama flopped, way to fail even before being sworn in...hey liberals, your Allah is not a god, he goofed up but you're too blind by your hypocrisy to see that, "oh it was nice to see a president be human"- but when bush did something wrong, "What a complete idiot..i can't believe he's president" Way to RE-ELECT him fucktards...ughh, i'm done

read this, it's good










"I Barack Hussein Obama...still suck at life"