You're Outta Here!

because you're a jerk...
..and so is that guy

The story of my ejection, yes, ejection

No, not ejaculation, there is no typo here, this is about my ejection from our football game on tuesday. Finally in five season I got my first ever ejection from a game, which also means I am suspended one game as well. Kinda harsh considering exactly what I, well we, were ejected for.

I knew my time would come, but I didn't think it'd be this season, heck, after the first two seasons I thought my time had passed, but apparently it did not. You see, as a player who is rushing the QB, for some reason there builds a riff between you and anyone that stands in your way...maybe not necessarily on the rushers part, I'll put blame on the other guy, naturally.

Inevitably when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, some crazy shit is about to go down. Here you have a guy rushing from a distance of about five yards at full speed into a guy who's been set in his position since the team lined up..shit's gonna happen.

tonight, however, had a build up, be it a quick one, it also had a quick ending. The play prior is the starting point for this, and in a matter of that one minute, enough tension was build, tempers flared, and you got people getting tossed out by the refs.

So on the previous play the opposing teams QB ran with it, up the right of the field and everything started to bottleneck. One of my teammates while chasing after the QB, stumbled, slid, and fell into the quarterback from behind. Instantly the other QB starts bitching about being tackled so on and so forth..to the point where even the ref told him to be quiet. I of course defend my teammate, saying it was an accident, obviously, and just basically man up. My teammates do not throw intentional hits like that. So as he gets up, he starts talking shit to me..mentions something about tackle, to which i respond saying if he wanted to we could go outside and play tackle, I've got two guys on my team who went to college to play football...and all i ever hear from those two is why they cannot tackle in this league. He mistook my retort as some sort of wanting to start a fight, and continued to talk. By this point both teams were lining up and I could no longer hear him. I asked the QB if he was still talking shit..of course I could hear noise, just not make sense of it. Then I told him to get the dick out of his mouth and play some football...of course the ref was within earshot.

the following events are incredulous. Hike was shouted and I took off from my corner position running straight in between two wide receivers, who were coming at in full sprint - the fierocity in the nature of running like that through me off but i stayed my course, veering onto the left shoulder of the innermost receiver. As I passed him I gave him a "chip block" as it is known in the game, just a push or nudge to throw the other person off as you run your route. For me, i open-handed (this is key) pushed him with my left arm and made my move to the QB. As I approached, the center was already engaged with the other blitzer so I was on my way to the QB, or so I thought. I watched as he cocked back his arm, looking downfield, about ready to make a throw. At that moment i jumped in the air in hopes of at least tipping it, little did I know the QBs intent. The moment my jumped reached it's apex the QB turned and looked right at me flying through the air. He then hurled the pass right towards my midsection, luckily, i had enough of time/reflexes to stop the ball from hitting me in my most sensitive of areas.

As I landed and the whistles blew, a very discerning sense of unsportsmanship engulfed the field. I was just starting to call out the QB for the intentional ballpunch to my nuts when the receivers, whom i passed, were charging back to me. Their allegations went from me punching them as i passed to me throwing an elbow to god knows what. This moment is a blur to me and so it's hard for me to give an accurate depiction of what really occurred.

I remember my team running up and getting in between me and the other team, even though I was walking away, ready to get back into formation. I did stop at one point to turn to the team, but only because I was getting yelled at and I wanted to calmly address them, honestly! The other team were all over the refs yet again and that's when they decided to toss me and one of the other players. I really don't remember who it was, it wasn't the QB, i think it was the receiver i pushed on my way by, but who knows. The ref came over to me and told me i was gone, all i did was look at him and say ok.

As i made it back to our bench, starting to undress, the other team's person who also got ejected started to make his way over, opening his mouth, asking me if i wanted to still 'take it outside' Once again my teammates who were on the bench with me got up to get in between. Me, well, I could care less..I really didn't 'start' a fight, wasn't looking to fight, i just wanted to play.

I changed itno my street clothes and walked away from the bench and playing field. I preoccupied myself with a younger kid tossing a football to himself. He proved to be a good distraction as chatted it up playing catch. The one instance I turn back to see how the progression of the game was going, I see our big guy bullrushing their center. A warning was given to us and I was about ready to call the game at that point.

There's no sense in needless anger. It's a game, tempers will flare, I know this..I play to win! but when it comes down to it, we all have our own lives and real jobs we have to go back to in the morning. Had the main ref been near my bench when the bullrushing occurred, I would have told him to just end it, i don't care how close we are to pulling off a comeback, just end the game...it's not for fun anymore and somebody's gonna get hurt.

but that didn't happen, and things calmed down a little. We still ended up losing, i didn't shake hands as i wasn't allowed near the field, and i apologized to my team for letting them down by getting ejected for standing up for them.

I talked with refs and organizers after the game, then my team as a whole, escorted me to the parking lot. We function as a team; we all look good together, we all look bad together.

and my hand hurts like a mother....

"*in the parking lot looking at my hand* You know, if these marks here are teeth imprints..maybe i did hit him in the face..."

Something That Should Be Said

because nobody dares to question certain groups..
...because that would be racist/bigot/etc

something i posted the other day...


WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT MEANT AS ANY FORM OF DISRESPECT OR HATE...IN ALL ACTUALITY IT IS TO CAUSE AWARENESS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

That being said, please, do not comment if you're going to be a jerk.


I do not support the wearing purple thing that's going on today, not because it's about homosexuality, but because in a nutshell, it's ignorant. How many children get bullied every single day for various things: wearing glasses, eating glue, having a bad haircut - do you not think those kids don't commit suicide? End bullying altogether, not because some gay killed them self, but because bullying is bad in general. Care about the real fucking issue always, not when some minoritol group gets attacked..it's reverse discrimination when we start catering to people because they are different all the while neglecting everyone else..

but my point is this, when kids were getting bullied and committing suicide before, nobody gave two good fucks about anything...all of a sudden a homosexual commits suicide for being bullied and the world stops. So is the point we are trying to make is, ohh, i don't care if you get bullied or picked on for being different..unless that difference is your sexual preference (which, although is wrong, is still not a legal union in most of these states) We are trying to be sooo PC that we are really going backwards. It goes the same way for race. Example: White kid gets beat up by a black kid=whatever. Black kid gets beat up by white kid=hate crime...because we are putting these labels and causing these concerns we are only perpetuating the differences, the stereotypes, the hate.

I am not trying to be a dick about it, as my random bits thrown in would tell you how I feel about current legislation..but, I just feel it's very selfish on the gay community's behalf. The gay community has the month of June as gay pride month, usually (and intentionally) having the big parades on Father's Day - then they just had a day a couple of weeks ago, coming out day - to which i also made a comment about...

in a nutshell, there's no "i'm straight day" or "i like oranges day" - it's as though every bit of the gay community's life is being forced down our throats, to the extent and extreme as comparable to religious holidays

And sure, cyber-bullying is now largely popular..but again, where's the national awareness, the banners, T-shirts, or an anti-cyber-bullying day..again, there's not

Today is all about "anti-bullying gays" when it should be "anti-bullying" in general

picking people out of the crowd and singling them out, their issues, and trying to make us "all aware" only causes more problems..it's like saying, "don't press this red button"...somewhat. my point is, make this an anti bullying day instead of an anti bullying gays only day

if they want to be inclusive as a whole in society, they need to stop making groups/petitions/etc based on exclusivity. it's selfish to tack on the cause to every other little cause and call it your own.

Again, I in no way am trying to offend anyone with these comments, please understand that, I support you, but I also support causes that make sense while supporting the big picture without alienation or tacking on ulterior motives

my problem is within the community itself - it's like kids getting bullied is ok, but kids getting bullied deserves a special day...being straight and knowing it is fine, but coming out gets a day...soon it'll be like having cancer is ok, but being gay and having cancer gets a day or being gay and stubbing your toe gets a day.. i'm not trying to be a dick or cause more problems, i am trying to cause awareness that EVERYONE gets bullied and THAT needs to have it's day of support..without ulterior motives

Yes the gay community has a lot of hate thrown it's way by the government, the churches, etc but that movement to change all that is happening...now in fact. (Let me remind you that only 28 countries recognize Same Sex Unions.....out of 196. The US isn't the only pricks in the matter for all of those hating on the US..Lily Allen I'm looking in your direction....)

And the only mistreatment i see, is the fact that the LGBT movement keeps getting pushed down my throat "We're queer, we're here, we ain't going anywhere" i get it, i support it...but what i won't support is this media/holiday blitzkreig that has been going on. If there was a magic button I could press that would make people more ok with the LGBT community, make same sex unions legal, and make all this LGBT propaganda go away, I would push it in a heart beat. Everyone has problems, everyone has issues no matter what kind of person they are...women had to fight for rights, blacks had to fight for rights, and now the LGBT community has to fight for rights..i get that..i'm just really sick of the selfish propaganda as much as they're probably sick of the hate..the street goes both ways my dear...I'ma let you do your thing, just don't get in my face about it...

ever wonder why people hates the Jehova's witnesses...same principal.

To conclude, the recent suicides made national attention and brought awareness of kids being bullied. If everyone in every community would have seen this as an opportunity to end all bullying that would have been great. We could have had the "Anti-Bullying Day" and still worn purple in memory of the homosexuals who lost their lives that made us all aware of the extremes that is bullying. But wen you go an ad one little word into that day, it changes everything.

What happened with those kids sucks, what happens with ALL kids being bullied sucks. Instead of addressing the BIG picture of bullying as a whole, the gay community kept it an exclusive thing, and what I'm saying is I don't think that's right or fair. It's not fair to everyone else being bullied. Plenty of kids go through their lives, mainly in school, getting called names for things they have no control over. So what if they have glasses or red hair or whatever. the point is people are people, in the end we are all the same .

Bullying is wrong, domestic abuse is wrong, discrimination in all forms is wrong...

End the Hate.








"It's an objective observation, and I'm sorry that I wasn't swallowed up in the propaganda and wanted to stand for ALL equality and against bullying on EVERYONE."

We Talkin' bout Practice

warm me up,
put me in

I need to get back into the groove..

No, that's not a "that's what she said" joke, i honestly need to get back in the groove of writing again...and of course the only way to do that is to, well, actually do it. So these (re)start-me-up blog posts I'm making, although yes get published as finished works, they are the practice writings til i actually get better, if ever..

that being said, my football team had practice today - let me point out that every day the team meets up, we have a different group of 11 guys show up - i feel as if i'm making some sort of matrix to see just how many different variations of groupings we can have..so far, it's annoying.

I won't bore you with the details of the team (at the moment), i'll be brief and say practice went well, let's see what happens in the game next week. I suppose the real part of why I mentioned practice is because of what happened at the end of it. As we were finishing our last play a random kid walked over to ask if he could play - and when i say kid, he had to be like 12? I'm horrible with ages. Anyways, everybody had something to say about this kid wanting to play, and after tossing the ball around a couple of times, he waived over his other friends, who naturally kept a safe distance away.

they joined and wanted to play as well, again everyone on the team had something to say, whether it was a groan or an ok, there was not going to be an agreement met. One player asked me, "yo coach, how do you feel about having these kids play with us?" I was welcomed to the idea of utilizing the kids as a pass rush, but knew as i said it, others wouldn't be ok with it...

so the balls were tossed around, some stayed, if briefly and played, others ended the practice and walked off - but the point i'm trying to get at was this. within the group of four boys was one girl. She was adamant about how she could catch a football (and she could), throw a football (and for a 12? year old she could), and how she wanted to play..tackle.

Now I know the term "tomboy" comes to mind, however...there was something different that would overpower the tomboy term i would come to find quickly. What was so odd was her realization of self. now it may be true that i do not have a lot of experience with kids, well, it is true - no siblings, no real deep family with cousins and all that jazz (that i ever met) so i just don't know what it's like to be around kids. I typically think they are all innocent and stupid to be honest.

I think other than this time (and that time three weeks ago at the IU tailgate where I drunkenly played catch with some random kid) i can't recall the last time i was around little kids. for some reason i see this as fucking with me as i am a parent later in life.

I tried then, and pretty much the rest of my day, to remember what it was like to be in 6th/7th grade, being 12, what thoughts were going through my head. This only caused me to drift into a surreal like state.

Ughh, I keep drifting in and out of thought here on this..and you all know how i hate to have my attention diverted for more than a second while writing. I feel utterly and completely exhausted, and i don't know exactly why. So instead of doing my homework that is due in an hour i decided it would be in my best interest to write...followed by me going to bed

though i just want to stay awake, fight the tired, stop dreaming.










"Soooo, it's 5am and i'm wide awake, but about to get in bed...yet, for others, they are just getting out..strange world i live in.."

It's Been a Minute..

Well, more than that
many minutes in fact..

and i don't know how many I got left in me...

I've been feeling...creative isn't the word i'm looking for...it's an ansty, irritable, cannot focus kind of feeling. I've toyed with the ideas for short clips, writings, quotes, etc - and while I've actually made some of those things, i haven't done much with them. The most you get from me is a 140 character update via my twitter..maybe a status on facebook for something that really needs to be said, or a nonsensical rant with a picture explaining nothing from my dailybooth. As i did all three of those things today, the shorter only manifesting into the larger i realized...that i just needed to fucking sit down and write it out, old school style.

I've been watching Netflix religiously, mainly TV series because of their length...rather, their shortness. I feel a pick-me-up, break, or food feast is equivilant of the time it would take to watch one episode. So far i made it through six seasons of The Office, the first of Archer, and my most recent (and reason why I am writing this) Californication.

I stumbled across this show awhile back, but never made my move on it - it was on showtime and who the hell watches showtime, i thought all the good series shows were on HBO. Anyways, all that is available on demand is the first season, and that's all i watch - this mailing discs back shit is for the birds. Let me just add in, i love my netflix, and I only got it because its an iphone app..so i watch on my iphone, my lappy, and off of my PS3..life is grand

I continue, Californication is a show....that I'm not going to bother you with the synopsis of, long story short, it has made me want to start writing again. And as much as i know that i'm not talented enough to be published other for than that button in the bottom left hand corner, i enjoy it. While most of it is rubbish, i can always look back on my previous posts and claim brilliance. I know I'm not the next great american novelist, i've come to terms with that rather easily, and though my fan base is small in numbers, they care, which makes me care.

That being said I've neglected the people most important to me for far too long. I need to give to them what they want, what they need. This. Me hunting and pecking away at 4am on some random Wedne-Thursday morning. Typing away because i can't sleep. typing away because i think this will help. Typing away because i think someone gives a shit. Typing away like it matters. Typing away as if I am a sole survior in the universe, yet that universe relies on me.

We reap what we sow, we also write what we know...and the latter is what scares me most.










"Well, I don't know, but I've been told
You never slow down, you never grow old
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down
Tired of myself, tired of this town

Oh, my my, oh, hell yes
Honey, put on that party dress
Buy me a drink, sing me a song
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long"

People

Why are they so fucking stupid, or
why do the stupid ones flock to me

am i some sort of magnet that attracts these fools???

because let's face it, as a magnet i would not be able to attract people like me; cool mother fuckers who are smart and so forth...and these people are definitely in my life by the numbers. Eventually they make their departure, but not before ransacking the place, ie my fucking head.

anwyays, the following is a conversation i woke up to on my computer thanks to skype being open all night


N: i WILL SAY IT just once and will be completely honest to you, the change in my moods and attitudes is thanks to a clinical depression, which I am trying but facing huge difficulties to handle
N: I am telling you this so tha you can stop contacting me
N: sorry J
N: goodbye
*4 hours later*
b: wait, are you asking me to stop talking to you? because that is not what i want, but if you do not want me around, then i will go

and that was the last i've heard from that person....odd

but the day only gets better when i decide to text an ex to send my regards on her recent, well, recently made to my knowledge, engagement

B: A little overdue, but i believe a congratulations is in order for you
four hours pass
C: Why do u care
C: Anfd why do u talk like that
B: Wait, I'm confused - talking like what? And I just wanted to extend my gratitude...am I not supposed to care? I mean, I hold no hard feelings
C: Why should u
B: Why should I to which part that I said?
C: ...care
B: You're someone who was apart of my life at one point and like I said I don't hate you...I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said anything at all
C: Ok but I got engaged in may and ur just now saying something... looks like u were needing an excuse to talk to me
*my blood starts to rise*
B: Ummmmm no - I just found out today actually - no excuse, just being nice
C: Oh from who cuz we aren't friends
*still rising*
B:I know we aren't friends, otherwise I probably would have known sooner - but it has come up in conversation with X and W
C: Go figure...I knew they were playing as ur informants
*shock, blood pressure encroaching redline*
B:You make it sound like some conspiracy against you...just casual conversation - they thought I already knew..and that's all that was said..no worries
C: Why
B: Why what?
C: Nothing pls just leave me alone
*we've hit breaking point*
B: I was saying congrats, being nice...you need a reality check and grow the fuck up - stop being such a fucking bitch - if this is how you are acting to people now, I don't know you nor wish to know you. I have neither the time not the inclination to explain myself to a woman who I've been nothing but nice to, forgiving, and kept my distance, and then questions the manner in which I do it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you fuck off

*end of conversation*

So that pretty much sums up today, granted there is other shit going on as well...neither the time nor the place as i am growing tired..but wanted to fill you in with the randomness..

so there you have it.









"ahh crap, auto-correct changed my misspelling of "hate" to "have"- that changes the course of this conversation completly...i don't have you...i don't hate you...fucking iphone..."

3am Confessions You'll Never Hear

the moments of clarity..
..at our most insane of times...

i can't sleep, enough said.

it's pushing after 3am and i'm wide awake, funny how just three maybe four hours ago i was ready for bed...actually, i was IN bed...yes it needed both the bolding and the caps. i'm merely distracting myself now, doing the one thing i hate the most while writing. focus..focus...

i can't really focus because my mind is mush, bouncing from one intangible to the next. Bob Dylan said never look back, i find it easier said than done...actually, everything is easier said than done when you think about it - i ask of you to try and prove me wrong on that one, i do not have enough energy, devotion, or time to ponder myself, so i continue...it's actions that speak louder than words (unless you have a microphone hooked up to a sound system, then that could get loud...)

i can say all day that i would go sky diving....but until i do, those are just words - and sure sometimes all we have from people is their words, but as we all know, people's words are as good as the breath they are spoken from. (i like it when people chew gum) all people's words do is give you a false sense of security, actions prove (or disprove) their words.

i'm highly off subject right now, as i said, my mind is not anywhere i want it to be. this post will be found too late, nobody will check this in the next couple of hours, and by then, well, we will have wrote history....for the better i am hoping..this is like one of those suicidal cries for help that is left on a voicemail..only to be found much after the fact by the person who said, damn, i always miss their call - i lol'ed. of course, none of this makes sense right now...and i'm not even sure it makes sense to me honestly.

i may be known for saying the truth, setting people straight, calling it like i see it, telling it like it is..but why is it when i want to tell these "truths" that they can't be said, or they won't be heard, or if all those work, it still won't matter in the end. it's hard to get closure when people shut you out of their lives. but then again they say, better late than never?

this writing thing sure is fun..this is probably one of my more chaotic rants, and it never really even eluded to anything at all, but i definitely am enjoying it...maybe it's the daily posts i have to write for school that are making this post possible - did he just say school?! - holy balls i did...i guess i don't update this thing as much as i should..yeah i go to school, yeah it's online classes, yeah what of it.

i made a move, it's beyound risky, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. this, and these, will be the next defining points in my life..and that's a little messed up to say. with all that stress piled on me, it's no wonder i can't sleep and my mind has turned to cottage cheese, without the syphilis of course.

i'm nervous..and i can't sleep...i'm afraid...and i can't sleep..i fucked up..and i can't sleep..i'm doing everything i can..and i can't sleep...and it may not be enough







"can't sleep, clowns will eat me..."








P.S. i just tried to label this post...yeah, i think i got carried away...

I'm Gel-ing

not in a good way,
like a green way...

Did i say i was Gel-ing, i meant Jeal-ing, as in jealous...

Today class we will be discussing jealousy in relationships. My following response is based off of my own personal experiences, and through some much recent research and experiences, has altered greatly from the views i once held.

Jealousy is a two-way street in which both parties are to blame; now granted it may be two-way, some way's just have more lanes of traffic (like those effed up roads by Mass Ave..what's up with that?)

i say

Do What I Ask of You..

..not because i said it
..because you WANT to do it

because sheep are common, sincerity is rare...

I don't like telling people what to do - i know i know..i know what you are thinking..don't you constantly tell people to "fuck off", isn't that telling them what to do...you know what i say to that, fuck off...anyways, i don't like telling people what to do, i don't like asking people to do things either - granted it's a form of a psychological behavior characteristic where i have a fear of dependency - nothing is really ever going to change that though, soooo it's still my reality.

i don't like asking for help, whether i'm at work, walking down the street, whatever; not because i have some macho complex where i feel as if i can do it myself, it's because i don't like putting people out like that. i don't want to ask for help because i don't want to inconvenience someone, i don't want them to do something they don't want to do...now this goes into a deeper thought where i'd say, if they really wanted to help, they would have asked or jumped right in...if they saw me carrying a bunch of shit they should have done the right thing and held the door open..

so this goes right into, i'd rather let people fail me and let me down, then try to keep them on a level of respect they don't really deserve. if i were to ask fucktard to "hey, can you hold that door for me" and they did, sure it betters me for a moment since i won't have to struggle to juggle the groceries, swipe my card, catch the door with the three seconds i have to get it opened and get in..but it doesn't do anything for the credibility for that other person...they did something because they were told to do so - granted they didn't have to, but in their minds they have done their one good deed for the day, even though it wasn't a real act of genuine compassion, they were merely doing it to not feel bad about being a horrible person.

All this is exactly the opposite of how i act; i'm more likely to give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. i constantly put myself out there for other people, i do things for them, that, i wish people would do for me - it's like a twisted form of the golden rule - i do those types of things for people because that's the kind of respect and love i liked shown in return. i'd never ask someone to move to be with me, but you better believe i'd move for them without their ever questioning it.

And the same goes for things that were asked of me as well. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was actually never said to me, but rather relayed back to me through co-workers. Someone said, "Jangus could have twenty different things going on, but if you needed something and you asked him, he'd have twenty-one.."

Now granted i may put the needs of others before mine a lot, i may do things for people that i wouldn't do for myself, i also put forth a faith in people that is greater than it may should very well be. i think that because i do all these things for people, i will someone see the benefits in return, when i will need them..

take work for example...have you ever been the one to constantly pick up some slackers shifts time and time again...only to have when it came your time to cash in one little favor in comparison to the many you've done for them...your request is not met...this is how my life works.

And though i know i stated i don't like to ask for certain things, i will occasionally do so...but it only becomes a bigger slap in the face when once i asked for certain said thing to be done or not done..only the opposite continues.

when it comes to certain relationships i'm not going to tell you what to do or what not to do, i may give some ground rules on what i'd like to happen or not to happen, what would hurt me, what would make me happy, but i will not chain you up like an outside dog and say stay. you are given the power of free will, i'm not going to stifle that. HOWEVER, in caps for a reason, your actions make up your own destiny...

My relationships with people are very similar to that of god's with people...yes you have the ability to do whatever you want...buuuuuuut, there's things i'd not like you to do..and if you do them, well, we won't reach that nirvana. (Hi, i'm god)

all this is really is just an ongoing test - test my patience and fail

prove to me that you're worth my time, and i'll do the same in return...

only you can prevent forest fires..







"Kiss me, please kiss me, But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation."

NEW?

and..
..improved?

no...no, not really

ok, this is a new template, tell me your thoughts...









"the time's they are a-changin' "

Turn, turn, turn

to everything..
there is a season..

a reason why i hate summer...

it's that time of the year again, inevitably so, that summer has come upon us. Most people will go with some archaic mythological belief that summer starts on (approximately) june 21st, or rather the "summer solstice" - those who are a little more educated will know this to be the day the earth stands still, well one of the two in a year.

for those living in the northern hemisphere we incorrectly and haphazardly call june 21st the first day of summer, as it has been dubbed the summer solstice...all that means is, hey, today is the longest day of the year, from here on out days will be getting shorter again...if anything how does that mark the beginning of summer, shouldn't it mark the beginning of fall, or the end of summer?

but no, we call it the beginning of summer based on some stupid beliefs we recklessly hold onto...in my opinion summer starts when those pools open, when it's ok to wear white again, when the temperature is conducive to turning on the air conditioning, when school is no longer is session...for some of those things that would sometime in may, maybe strectching towards memorial day at that...

maybe it's the turning over to a new month in a calendar, june 1st - that would make sense with all of the incoherant dribbling posts i've read over the past couple of days from people estatic for it to be june...*looks around the room* i'm sorry, di-did i miss something...does, or did, something crazy happen in june i am not aware of?

i can't say i have ever seen such overwhelming responses from the multitude of the idiots i claim to be friends with who were so jubilated with the turning over to june that they not only had to declare it in social media form, but with such uncertainty "couldn't believe june was already here!?"

at first glance i thought they were happy because it was june, but to me that just didn't seem right...so naturally itried to offer any other explanation to make the masses less foolish...maybe somebody named June was appearing in concert, tv show was debuting, visiting, anything of the sort which just so coincidentally happened to occur on the new month, which just so happened to be june...yeah, no such luck

however this is not my sole reason for hating summer, rather it was a catalyst to remind me of how much i hate summer, and the reasoning still standing, because of idiots.

one strong factor is that the weather changes, for the better - so how can i hate that you ask...well it's not so much as the amazing weather i hate, but rather insomuch as to what it causes. people.

and you know, it's not even summer as a whole that i hate, it's the Midwestern mentality of what summer is and what it means. i'm sure that if i lived in a tropic climate such that of hawai'i or cali, or some other part of the dessert that this inexplicable behavior wouldn't take place...only in the god forsaken midwest. now yes those places mentioned do go through varying weather conditions and season changes, but to a far less degree than that of midwest and the like states - drastic changes in temperature where you can have weeks at over 100 degrees to weeks under 0 degrees all within the confines of 365 days...

so what is so wrong with the "Midwest mentality on summer", as i am calling it now, and the bringing out of people, just that. maybe to better understand my hatred towards summer it's best to start with why i like fall most of all. i'll be the first to say and admit that i hate colder temperatures, and if i could have it my way i'd prefer to live in a tropic climate mentioned much earlier. and even though i was born and raised off the lake of michigan in illinois i still hate the cold, and with each passing year that goes by i can handle it less and less. there is no conditioning and tolerance towards sub-freezing temperatures dissipates as you grow older just as quickly as the heat.

i'm not the only mid-westerner who feels this way - as much as we'd like to say how tough we are
as we battle through the conditions year in and out, we despise it...and as soon as the sun starts to lose it's shine and a gentle, cool breeze blows through we all scour with our tails in between our legs back indoors, killing the a/c and cranking up the heat, while frantically searching in our basements for our layers, scarfs, parkas, and shovels...it's true, we're pussies who are prepared.

and that's what i like about fall, people, the general masses, running back inside - not polluting the streets with their cars, flooding parks, jogging about shirtless thinking they in the best shape of their life when all you really wanna do is yell at them like marky mark to put a damn shirt on...

and as much as i encourage people to live their life, to seize the day, and all that, this is not the time.

i hate how the warmer weather brings those people out, because it's a mentality that isn't right, that isn't good - these are the fair weather people we've all been talking about!...they come out in the fancy cars they only take out because the weather is perfect..people driving around in their convertibles with the tops down like they are gods gift of the roads..i hate people that are conditionally convenient bandwagon jumpers on life - people who will run and hide at the first sign of unfavorable conditions, but otherwise try to claim the land like they never floundered..

so it's not the warm weather directly that i dislike, rather i much enjoy a good summer's day on a patio sipping on a sugary concoction that's horribly dressed with colorful fruit and umbrellas wishing it could always be like this, wishing i were somewhere else. but it's the weather that brings out those assholes i could care less to see...those a-holes who, while i'm still on the patio drinking my drink in october, they've long gone to their resort homes or cruise-line vacations

i hate summer because i hate people...but only in the midwest....










"Cause I love to live so pleasantly
Live this life of luxury
Lazing on a sunny afternoon
In the summertime"

I

..need....
..this....

i need to do this, if anything else, i need to do this....

as i went about my day, my day off, my first day off in a week, my first day off after working a 60 hour work week with very little, if any extra, compensation monetarily but rather the compensation came in the form of me losing my edgey-ness just a little bit more, i thought about a lot of things...

one topic was writing again, and as much as i'd hate to admit it, it's something that crosses my mind more than several times a week, maybe even once a day, and if not, well the next day makes up for it..

and as it goes, as always, i have at the moment at least three good ideas for some posts...of course i won't write them now, even though they are fresh on my mind, and inevitably i will forget them when it comes time to plop myself in front of the screen and go to it...if i ever get that chance.

so let this be my prologue, the introduction to what i hope is my return to the blog - i don't know how many times i've said that, but it's one of those things...i made the time..i think - rather what are the things i do when i get angry at the world - shut out people, tune out the world, get angry and keep to myself, write(in some form or another), and that time is coming around again...so when opportunity meets something..i don't know the phrase, but here i am...










"born to lose, destined to fail.."

Untitled

Listen here you beautiful bitch...
I am about to fuck you up with some truth.

Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of the truth...get it...cuz truth doesn't make a noise..soooo.









"people lie because they feel they'll fuck things up if they tell the truth, truth is they'll fuck things up by telling a lie.."

The Beginning..

of some ends..
to a means..

Daddy, always said, "son.."...wait no, that's not it

"Jangus, everything is not a revolution", the one phrase that plays back like an annoying ad you see ay every commercial break. No it wasn't said by my father, rather it was an english teacher i had two years in high school; a phrase that i'll never forget and never be able to live down.

i know i've had to mention it on here before in some previous post as it always seems like a reoccurring theme in my life..the only advice i hold onto, yet, sadly can't do anything about. so i apologize in advance if now i've turned into the broken record.

they say we study history as to not repeat it, to learn from the past - funny, some of the biggest mistakes are made without any regard to past events. Being a history buff that i was back in the day i always like to make reference to WWII. In this situation i'd quote Hitler when he said, "where Napoleon failed, i will succeed" the irony is that that never happened and Hitler made the same mistakes Napoleon did, fighting a multiple front war.

is it just human ignorance that we disregard other's past failures, is it an ego boost of superhuman characteristic to think we can do what other's did not, or is it optimism at it's best - i know the latter with the positive note threw you off...

Whatever the case may be i'm going to be guilty of trying my hand at the same demise maker that is, fighting the multiple front war. combine that with the "everything IS a revolution mentality" and you'll see your forces stretched very, very thin.

they say when it rains it pours, and once again i feel as if i am fighting to keep myself dry with only a napkin. fighting every cause that arises with a piss and vinegar attitude all the while taking on new fights and arguments will quickly get you into a 'you versus the world' mentality.

that's about where i am headed right now.

but i know i have my support out there, it's just the front lines, or those in the closest proximity of your life, whether be it physically, emotionally, or destinationly, are always the ones you'll find that change sides and you end up fighting against.

over this weekend i've somehow managed to have declared war on three different fronts - and though those fronts are not at all surprising as they have all been something that have been in the making, it still comes as a shock...now when i say i have declared war it seems as if i am the one taking the initiative to attack, rather that is hardly the case here, if ever - which is why it always feels one against the world.

the problem with me is, if someone wants to fight, i'm more than likely going to fight back, and to my fullest extent. and with three fights picked in two days, it only fuels the" pack up and go" type of attitude that in the end only would cause more damage. of course each and every front on the opposing side doesn't know about the other fronts that are being fought - so when push comes to shove with me and one front, that one front gets the anger and onslaught not equivalent to just the one fight, but to all the fights combined. Again, it's like the breaking straw, the kid that snaps, the bottle that explodes; the end reaction isn't that constituting of one action, but many added up.

if "all's fair in love and war" i fight fair, but it's dirty. with revolution type of fights you're willing to do what it takes to change the tide - most people will fight just because they're bitches, i fight like there's a cause, something that actually matters on the line...this usually results in me doing "drastic measures" ultimately cutting off those other fronts high and dry. i'm an extremist, i know no mercy and will show none, i'll put everything on the line just to walk away with a "victory", even if it means losing everything in the process. my ego versus other's irrational attitudes. what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force...they disappear and i move on...

this is just the prologue...and i'm the narrator?










"see, the thing about me is, i don't save any for the swim back.."

The Straw

that broke my back..
but didn't silence my voice...

the tale of childish games and those who play them

it may come to no surprise that i can endure a lot of shit, take a lot of heat, bottle a lot of things up - but of course when doing so, there's always a breaking point, and someone else behind the explosion..there's always somebody pushing the buttons, crossing the line too many times that causes the building up, and then the final burst...tonight was no different

the story starts off on a positive note, not the typical case of the mondays. it was one of my days off and i planned on getting things accomplished, or so i thought. one of my fellow co-workers sent me a text saying they were sick and asked me to pick up - having my hopes set on doing some of my goals even with the late wake up time i agreed contingent upon a later in time...my request was granted and i was due in at 5

that gave me plenty of time to go to the gym, the bank, get some food, shower, whatever it is i do...all this put me in an uber-good mood - so much that even though i walked to work i was still early.

i was livin' the dream, but this would all come to an end soon through the actions of another co-worker. whether they were jealous to see me happy or what i'll never know, i just know that her intentions were to bring me down, without a doubt.

i knew this co-worker had a problem with me, she wasn't thrilled to be working the same night i was working as displayed by the huge grunt/sigh she let out as i said hi to her as she walked in. from there i decided it best to just go on my own way and to some degree ignore her..basically keep things and us separate...but again, those were my wishes, evidently she had others..

my station/section was located in the front, so i spent a majority of my time up there. and in the beginning of the night any time i would make my way to the back, for whatever reason, i would naturally cross paths with her - as i would cross paths with many other employees..but this one co-worker in particular found reason to make a scene or say something every time i walked by. and any time i start to talk to someone, whether it be my SA, manager, or whomever, she had to chime in with incoherent dribble directed at me.

this was so much of a spectacle that other employees were asking me what the other co-workers deal was, why was she being, and i quote, "such a bitch" to me. i played it off best i could, i put my blinders up and tuned her out, until we finally had a confrontation.

the co-worker was still hung up on a situation that occurred almost a fortnight ago with one of her tables. this was evidenced by her remark to me asking if i was gonna call her a liar to her tables tonight or if i was gonna talk shit to her tables again tonight. Long story short there was a mis-communication, something playfully said, something taking in the wrong context, and something heard as they wanted to hear it.

All in all i've been wanting to resolve the problem from the start, but any time the conversation is brought up i'm not allowed to say my side of the story and cannot get a word in edgewise - that other co-worker is always the one to get angry and walk away..just as she did tonight, saying she was over it, that it wasn't an issue any more...but, if that were the case, then why did she bring it up i replied back, only to have her walk away in anger yet again.

Let's not forget to mention she kept throwing away my drinking cup in the back..or let's forget

then my buttons were pushed for the last time. as i mentioned i was in the front, i had a ten top, that was my evening...at one point i ran to the back to get the third diet for this gentleman at my table and noticed half of my apps were up in the window, knowing they were just about to come up and my table wanted me to take the orders when i returned i called out to the kitchen, to a group of the "tan coats" asking to run my apps if they could, would you believe that the aforementioned co-worker was amoung this group.

so i took the orders on my ten top, it took some time because there was a meeting and everyone i went to would start talking...as i made my way around the first five orders, my mind is elsewhere, i keep glancing at the private room's door..expecting to see my apps walk in any moment...i keep waiting..i keep taking orders..and still i wait.

once i finished with all the orders with still no apps on the table i quickly made my way to the back..there i find a manager and said co-worker waiting for my apps to come back out. yes i said back out, for as you see they sat in the window too long and lost their temperature..this irked me to some degree, but whatever...it wasn't until that co-worker made a malicious comment about me not being able to handle a ten top and killing my apps...

i stopped in my tracks, mid-sentence, turned around and started to leave the kitchen...i always try to just remove myself from the situation for i know how bad my temper is and i know that's what they say a bigger person should do...but just as i was about to leave the kitchen my boiling point hit and i turned back around.

i cursed some expletives, cursed the people who did not run my food, and cursed the people i pay for not running my food...i think the choice word was "fuck" this time...i left the kitchen and headed back to my table where i was to do random filling of beverages and so forth...i left the private room to see the co-worker leading out my apps with the manager en route. the manager tried to say something as we passed by, but i was on a mission, tunnel vision maybe.

i took my angry little self back through the kitchen, through IRD, and out onto the back dock to walk around and get some air...i don't know why we in the industry do this, but we do. those back alley's aren't for deliveries and smoking only..no, the garbage cans and receptacles have seen their fair share of kicks and obscenities shouted their way...

i wasn't to that point, i just wanted to remove myself from the restaurant to recompose myself for the rest of the night. i always think back to those moments i've had a CPJR that were similar to this, but standout more i think because they happened more often..though it seems this place is catching up.

it's one thing to fuck with me an entire shift, to say shit, to mess with my drink by putting lemons in it..but you cross the line when you fuck with my guests - to deliberately not run my food and cause others to disregard it in some sort of power struggle or revenge is flat out psychotic.

when people do shit like that it reminds me of my first serving job at Blue Bird..there was an expediter who had a crush on me. we had hung out but once i knew she had "just a friend" who was an ex trying to get back with her i ended things..not to mention on those few occasions we did hang out i thought she wasn't on the level..only to prove myself right in the upcoming story..

as i said she was the expo at my work..controlling my food in the window..when my first couple of tickets suddenly "got lost" i thought nothing of it, it was busy, there were actually two expos that day as i remember..but as i pieced it together it was only food coming from her side that "wouldn't show" and when i asked her to "re-make" the items i needed she at first played the "sympathetic" card and told me she was remaking them...but after i continued to wait and the items were never made and i went to her a second time i got the "sorry 'bout ya" look and shrug...needless to say she didn't work there much longer...

it's sad how people will let their personal life interfere with their work life, and vice versa..though i think i can understand a bit of that...but then again..there's some people who i just hate working with because they suck at their job, but meet them after y'all clock out and it's a different story.

the show continued for the rest of the evening's shift. the co-worker continued to talk shit to me whenever i did something "gee, surprised you actually helped out" and other things. she refused to help me run out any other food for my table throughout the evening as well, as i "never thanked her for running my apps out" as she put it.

all i can say is this whole situation amazes me...the childish way she acts towards me, the malicious way she attacks me..you'd think it was HER who had something over ME...but this is not the case, in fact it is just the opposite...she should be the one walking on eggshells...and now i remember, the one request i asked of her since the beginning...i said do not cross me, do not upset me, do not cause ill will in my life and i will keep my silence.

and i have given the co-worker a chance to apologize, to settle things, to make things right in the universe once again..but i have a feeling i'll be asking Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall..










"for once i've met someone who is more childish than i am..."

You're So Vain

You probably think this post is about you...
don't you? don't you? don't you?

Well, actually, you'd be correct this time...

Ever since the dawn of time, going back to The Paleolithic era, when man did something there was always someone else right there who questioned 'why'. It's nice to see that we as people really haven't developed much over the years, well, at least those types of people.

Ever since i started blogging back in, ohhhh 2002(?) i've been posed with some resistance as to why. Granted the voice of the nominal few, maybe consisting of just one person at any given time, screams loudly every time. Funny how criticism doesn't work like a democracy

it was after many demands from several people that i start writing in a blog - it was the up-to-do thing back then, and after hearing the arguments and sitting on the idea, i finally hopped aboard. However my lifestyle of writing did not begin there, nor did my time spent on my computer - in order to do that we'd have to go back further in time, enter me as a young and innocent child.

In my house i grew up with a Commodore 64, obviously it wasn't mine, though it seemed to fit the bill as my first video game system if you will; but with floppy disks, basic commands, and a keyboard it was a computer. it was with that system that got me all into computers - but that's for another time and place, this is just a precursor to let you know how deep the roots really go..

as for writing, well, once again you can blame my parents for that one. One random afternoon my mother came home and handed me a journal, i had to be about 7 or 8 at the time, and she told me what it was and how to use it, essentially. now i was more of a jot down random notes and draw pictures in my notebooks type of kid, so this was different for me. Just like judo, i think my parents thought the journal would be a good outlet for...something; anger, depression, only childism..something that's for sure...

as time progresses, humans grow, technology is developed which further helps us grow and further develops technology; so naturally journals were given a more modern appearance. instead of writing with an ink pen onto paper, why not type away those thoughts at an illuminated screen..and you know what, instead of saving those entries as files in a cramped folder, why not use a website to organize everything for you - heck there's a whole bunch of customization to come with it too, plus you have your very own space out there on the internet..

now with this movement comes natural resistance, mainly that the purpose of a journal/diary/whatever is solely for you and your eyes only - how embarrassing would it be if someone got a hold of your journal and read through the pages..learning all your little secrets..then spreading them like wildfire to everyone around...remember those days, remember how any TV show ever made had at least one episode about a similar situation..why on earth would anyone willingly take those same scripts and publish them for all to see...

anne frank did it

this "craze" would not have caught on decades ago, in the 40's or 50's or any other time really - back then things were more 'hush hush' and not so wildly talked about, everyday topics that you yourself may speak of openly now. the tight lipped society that once was is now just a thing of the past, again, as time progresses so grows human nature.

Something so controversial as telling people your secrets is now welcomed with a warm embrace by people not only reading, but sharing their thoughts and ultimately making the writer feel at ease with an electronic connection. but this is just the warm fuzzy side to the story...

with the good is the bad. the wrong people could eventually find your blog; companies/employers/co-workers/family members/etc which could lead to many problems (only making you write more!) i've had this run in time and time again. first it was with school not liking what i wrote, then it was onto an employer, then it was girls i was casually dating - what it came down to was people couldn't stand reading the truth. Uhh, to know that you had thoughts and feelings that weren't what they wanted you to feel, to be human HOW DARE YOU! what the crap ever and grow up.

i remember walking out of a job because they came across my blog and were "shocked" by their findings - again another story, another time, but most of my problems occurred when all this was a new thing, the internet was just a-booming and b-logs were just about to be taken over by angsty, goth kids on livejournal.

people weren't accustomed to this - it was a form of change that, unless you were smack dab in the middle of the actions, you wouldn't "get it" til the effects rippled outward to you...i got that, not at first as i have that ethnocentric mindset to where if it's happening to me it's happening to everyone (just like as a kid, i had a fireplace, santa came down the fireplace, i thought everyone had a fireplace, it's in the frickin' stories, it just made sense) - but once i realized that someone wasn't on the same ship as me i told them to get onboard...i guess maybe i didn't get it after all.

people are stubborn, and those stubborn people are the ones who question "why?" if it's one thing that will set me off as quickly as a flip of a switch, it's questioning me. if i'm doing it, there's generally a reason, a good enough one to do it. if it's plans or planning or something along those lines, there's a complete and thorough thought process behind it all...like a game of chess every move i make has it's rationalization, its justification, and it's more crucial than it's preceding action. if you ever hear the great lines of "Don't.fucking.question.me" uttered by yours truly, you are probably one question away from having my rage unfurled.

but that's the extreme in this instance and we are talking about why i write and why others bitch about it. i'd like to say i have a following, it may be small but they say, if you can reach one person....but seriously, when i have this thing actually being updated on a daily basis, things flowing like a well oiled machine, it draws a crowd, i should know, i have a site meter set up. with more readers comes, well, more readers..and since the odds aren't in my favor i'm bound to have a few haters jump on as well.

and as i have discussed it's those stubborn people who cannot accept the change in society that is happening around them, who aren't socially secure in themselves, who still need a curtain to hide behind that have problems with other things in their life but take it out on me..ME talking about what is going on in MY life. They can't face reality, don't want the truth to be heard, to be told, to be known, or worse, accepted in their own mind. escape goats and excuses are used by people who can't man-up to their own fate - again different blog.

i'm sorry if that type of person comes into my life because then they will be exposed to an element which they are not used to, not ready for, and me being as relentless as i am, won't give in just because of their perverse differences. if anything i try to change them of those foolish ways, in my head it's for the better - i call people out when they need to be called out (in fact that was a new year's resolution many a year ago "call out people more often" see where that got me)

here, best example, i remember not too long ago when i wrote a post that basically foreshadowed (all you need is the first paragraph) what was to come with an ex-girlfriend. i virtually hit the nail on the head with that one - but i come to find out that she got really upset over this passage. i tried to wrap my head around all the things i said in that post, other posts, all posts and came up blank...i wasn't out to get this girl, so my portrayal of her was still in a good light, deserving of it not really. it would only make sense in time to come...you see, she wasn't upset with the fact that i wrote about her (maybe slightly), it wasn't that i was putting our relationship up for the world to see, no, you know what it was...it was the fact that i was right about it the entire time. i had her all figured out before she did. i knew the truth, and told the truth and like a few good men, she couldn't handle it...

the truth..now there's a blog i've been itching to write about, but i guess i do hold back on some things from my life...maybe when i finally get it figured out i'll let you know, probably not...there's so many unwritten chapters in the book of my life that have no corresponding pages or even footnotes in other's books. they say winner's write history, so who are the one's that refuse to write anything...

i don't like or appreciate when people who don't understand take a malicious defense - especially on something so widely and openly accepted. something such as blogging, using social networks, actually using the computer to do things other than make an excel spreadsheet. this is here and now people! it doesn't matter how old you are you should be taking part of the revolution that is going on around you currently...get involved..be active within it...i dailybooth, it's fun, it's like a picture blog for when i don't want to write a blog - it's an involved status update..it updates my twitter, which...i think everyone from new borns to my dog have now. i chose to be apart of that community, are you going to sit here and tell me it's wrong, i can't, that it's...childish?

are you kidding, is that the best you got, because if it's childish to be apart of a society that's trying to unite people across the world with stupid little websites where people can say or do whatever they want...if it's childish to let your feelings and emotions out, to act on the first amendment, not in a sense to cause problems or drama, but to just vent..then i guess you'll have to call me a baby.

seems like a childish response, to call someone else childish...and yet isn't it childish to be selfish..you know, like eating your cake and having it too..throwing temper tantrums..yelling at people who don't deserve it..always wanting it your way..getting whatever you want, spoiled....wait..wait....wait. fuck.

So for those of you who sit patiently while the site is at a stagnant lull, i appreciate you. to those who write to me and ask me to write some more, i thank you (i believe the best line was "really all i want for christmas is for you to blog again") thanks to all the support and swift kicks in the ass, because as much as it's supposed to be something beneficial for me, we all know i rarely do things for myself...

And i'll close now with probably the best response to this sort of public out-lashing towards people who use the internet was this video i found about a year ago...it's from jill hanner who i started to follow, then she just got annoying, but the video is still in my vault as one of my favorites, enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq0ifdroD5s









"Is you sick from the dick or is it the flu? -It ain't about you or your bitch ass crew"

I Feel a Blog Coming On..

oh wait..
..scratch that..

it's just another bloody headache

i should probably go ahead and forewarn you right now that this is more than likely going to be a bitchy post with no real positive outlook, like i'd want it to be. i blame this on the constant pain that has been going on in my head for over a week now. normally i get these mini-migraines once every 9 to 12 months they last about a week - and for that week i'm usually busy with work and i have to struggle through, actually taking pain killers and other medicine to avert the pain - the only time i ever use these things. i always have to go over the recommended dosage and that scares me. reason why i don't take pain killers or sleep aids is because my body gets used to them too quickly, and i know in time i'll eventually take so many that i'll overdose.

and with these headaches comes the catch twenty-two...i either am in enormous amounts of pain, or the opposite, no pain but no mind either. having the pain limits my functioning to where all i can do is close my eyes and hope i fall asleep....but when i'm awake and the pain has subsided for a moment, i can't think straight. my mind is cloudy. i can't concentrate. it's like as if every thought i start to make gets slammed into a brick wall at full speed.

it's been over a week now and it's driving me crazy. granted this is a perfect time for it to be happening, i'm only getting scheduled three days at work, but i have things to do in my off time..yet can't function like a normal human because of these headaches...i literally sit in my apartment..and sit..i'll pass out from the pain only to throw my entire sleep pattern off

i actually took a huge step today, i went outside - only because i was starving, but still that took me til after 5 to get moving. i tried to get my life back on track by going to the gym - i haven't been there in over a month with everything that has been going on, and i could definitely feel the results, or lack there of.

i don't think it was in my best interest to go to the gym because on any normal day going to the gym makes me get a headache and i feel like i just wanna throw up/die...so what does the guy who is battling a headache and feeling like shit do, does the one thing he knows will make him have a headache and feel like shit...well, maybe they would counteract one another..sorry, no.

i need to complete things through, finish what i start...just like going to the gym...i took a month off and i lost all the progress i had built up...i don't need a push to get me going, i need a kick in the ass when i'm halfway there. i've always said i'm just waiting on that big moment in my life where everything changes...

let's see, that one girl and i broke up and i started to blog again..but that didn't last for long...my best friend passed away and i..didn't do anything differently...always looking for an excuse, always looking for a way out

how does one get a blister under their toe nail? i didn't even know that was possible until yesterday - and let me tell you, it sucks.

i need to start writing again..i'll say that til the day i die. i don't even know what i'd write about...half the stuff isn't worth it, the other third i can't tell you (stupid doctor/patient confidentiality) so that's why you get nothing but dribble...

at least i'm trying? well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and trying only does so much..it's like saying you would do something, but you have the ability to do it all along and you don't..there's always a technicality...

micheal phelps is one ugly man...so is shaun white for that matter...it's awesome to know though that as long as you have a gold medal and can do "awesome" tricks, you'll be sexy...don't worry WoW players, eventually it'll be an Olympic sport and you'll cash in on all the fame like those losers..i mean honestly, half those "sports" in the Olympics are sports?!

ohhh that's right, i'm wrong, i'm ethnocentric...just because football isn't an olympic sport i have no idea what a real sport is...in two words...table.tennis. one word...curling...i think i've proven my point here...

oh, and anyone can be a micheal phelps or shaun white, let's not immortalize people to the point we start worshiping them...that's how religions started

speaking of, i gave up cheese for lent...what a waste. what are you giving up?











"FU, Penguin"

I Want To..

but it's hard..
..and it's late

so i'll just sit and stare...

i wanna write, i honestly do...but i only wanna write when it's not an option..i'll be at work..or at work..or....out and about..that's when i have my thoughts, the first raw thoughts....but by the time i go to type it all up, my mind has been sitting on it, analyzing it, rebuilding it all day long...so any questions i initially posed in my head are either answered or can jsut be ignored...








"look at it this way, you got another chapter for your book *everyone erupts into laughter*"

I Break

the water's grown
but it's not the 12th

and my references are so obscure i barely get them...

i take my last bite of the chicken wings i ordered in - not the last bite because i have run out of food, clearly the four boxes of random apps and entrees are almost untouched. no, rather it is my last bite because i'm full....or at least i think i'm full.

it's a weird feeling - my stomache growls wanting more, yet the thought of putting anymore sustance down the hatch makes me feel queasy. how can one be full and hungry at the same time..how can one person experience such polar opposite feelings, such extreme emotions simultaneously?

i try to forget about the craziness of it and continue reading my book - it's bukowski's Hollywood. I've been in a mood to read something, and all the books i would have picked up were never returned by those who "borrowed" them - another reason why i hate lending things out to people, it never comes back to you the same way you left it, if at all....

this book was actually a gift, not to me, but from me to a girl i once knew. i actually have never read the book, but i love bukowski's writing and so i picked up one of his novel's hoping the future english teacher would enjoy his writing too....funny how almost three years later i came across it in storage, still wrapped...

so ultimately it was a gift to me. and the timing in my life couldn't have been more appropriate.

as i have said i have always enjoyed bukowski's poems and short stories..but this book so far is....nothing special. granted i'm barely into it, but i think i should be captivated from the moment i open the book..it should call out to me, like nausea or the waiter rant or whatever

but that's just me, basing all my feelings on the initial encounter...you may think it's wrong to "judge a book by it's cover" but i've never been wrong before...

i can't concentrate, my stomach is grumbling...it doesn't make sense and i can't come up with any reasoning for it..i have plenty of food to eat, if i were hungry, but i'm full..this point is proven as my eyelids tarp over my eyes and i sink into the pillows. i know fighting it will get me nowhere..if i try i'll get twenty pages ahead and not remember a thing, it'll be a waste of time, might as well stop now.

i lay there with my eyes closed for an hour, asleep for maybe half of it, the latter half...and when i finally come to again i am greeted with a hungry stomach.. but since time has passed i've made a little bit of room in my tummy for some food...but it doesn't help.

i read on, and in the process i start to resurrect my inner dialogue. this is a funny thing, it's a delicate thing. the rattled dust fills the air, scattering about as each piece going in it's own direction..no ryhme or reason..tickling my insides..the sounds of spoken words fill my head, rising from the ash and now taking form as bukowski.

the heat kicks on as i can feel a gust of air now blowing on me. it's a love/hate relationship i have with winter - i hate the cold and the snow when i'm outside, but when i'm inside, when i can control the environment, cranking up the heat, wrapping up in a blanket yet still being able to look out the windows at the white sheets covering everything, then i'm happy.

but with winter comes the coldness in my soul, a hibernation of sensibility..and just like a bukowski poem or existential story out comes the tortured artist that lies within me...the winter not only causes people to huddle into their warm homes, closing windows and the outside world; i take that to the extreme..shutting out those i know and love in a depressive downward spiral...and just as your furnace kicks in, my bleeding heart too pours out...

this could be a good thing, but then again, you can't have the sweet without the sour...another catch 22, the story of my life










"if it made sense or was normal, it wouldn't be the jangus life"

I Hate

this....
and this....

but really,

yay, its a post at night, as i promised..because i keep my promises, i hold true to my word and i don't like to lie...you know, that's right, i don't like to lie - sure, tell fibs, joke, make sarcastic remarks, but straight out lie...well, i guess the better part of my life is one big lie then...

i'm tired of being everyone's dirty little secret, of being the lie, the forgotten - wait i can handle that last one - what i really fucking hate is in the autobiography of ever fucking person i've ever known, i'm just some fucking deleted footnote, the "and between the months of April through October there was a time of no importance where all the time possible was spent with a certain someone who shall remain nameless"

i look back onto my past relationships, you know the ones where i turned stone into marble for those bitches, and the least they could do is pay a little respect to me in return, but instead i get shunned, as if i was the one to blame for how they turned out now..minus the cool parts! i look back and, well, they don't. they forget about how i helped them overcome their self-consciousness, or to break free from something that was plaguing them, get over irrational fears...nahhh, that's not what i am here for...

instead, when those fucking cunts look back on their lives and reflect about me, it's some horrid and graphic display of how i did them wrong..but that's a sad side story - i'm not playing the victim card, so help me, i just want people to wake the fuck up....

as an additional side not i'd like to mention that all those girls whom i've helped prior get over what ailed them, turning shit into gold, somehow end up fucking it all up after they discard me out of their lives..they turn right back around, down the hill, and complete the cycle back to shit....way to blow a-holes...

but let's get back on track...i've been drinking makers...and when i drink mark i start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing. i had a drink tonight and it catapulted me back four years ago to a time and a place i didn't want to remember...remember how i hated crying, yeah, this is right up there (probably cuz i cried - SHUT UP)

i hate being lied to - i remember as a kid growing up i believed in everything that everyone said. i didn't understand the concept of being lied to, i was pegged as gullible. people could tell me their dad was some crime-fighting super hero and i'd beleive them...until i started to get smart...then i realized a lot of what people said was full of shit, further proven by their actions. what's sad is as i've gotten older and gotten wiser, i've been able to see through people's deceitfulness, their lies, their awkwardness, and have known better; i still give people the benefit on the doubt and believe in them. i mean come on, i've got a degree in social engineering (ask me about it) but yet i still wanna believe in the goodness of mankind and believe that people aren't straight up lying to my face...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg on what's fucked up - But I just think good things will happen, if you are a good person with a good attitude, don't you think..sofia said that...people use me, i said that. people see the great potential i have and either wanna make me harness it, or use it for their own good.....the bad part is, i never use it for my own good....i'm like some secret weapon that somehow the bad guys get ahold of and somebody tries to win me back....but of course i'm oblivious to what is really going on and am just happy to be apart of the ride...

i don't get how i let people use and abuse me, i'm not stupid, but yet i get caught up in the whirlwind fantasy that people are all good...."half the people can be part right all of the time..some of the people can be alright part of the time..but all the people can't be all right all the time...i think abraham lincoln said that..."

fantasy....that's my life, that's how it's always been....i used to believe in shit like Santa, and if i was a good person good things would happen to me, be a good student and the doors would be open, the world is your oyster.....well, i'm salty from the lies. i'd rather be given no hope than more than a chance....at least with no hope i'd have something to overcome...with more than a chance i feel it is owed to me..well, i've come to realize nobody owes anything to me....and that has left one huge fucking chip on my shoulder...

i just want things to make sense...but, again..it's closure i seek, it's the endings i hate...i want something i'm afraid of, yet i'm able to lay it all on the line..










"I'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours, i said that..."

See New Post

Click New Post
Write New Post

forget about the post as soon as you're finished...

ok, let's see how to do this...it's early, and by early i mean it's sometime shortly after i woke up, which means it's nine in the afternoon. there's a reason i don't write in the morning, errr when i wake up - it's because i can't think straight. all my thoughts are cloudy. i remember being back in school and teachers giving us weird statistics about why we were taking the ISTEPs in the morning, how our brains functioned better...i bet you if i were to take those damn tests at midnight i would have rocked out, but whatever.

there's a lot on my mind...just give it another 9 hours and i'll be able to say something, until then it's a big blob of thoughts...and over time it grows, it shapes, and in the end turns into something..

and i keep distracting myself, so this isn't even making sense...but i'm pushing through, i'm doing it, because that's just what i do..now i may not have much, but i have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet. some call it being stubborn, strong-headed, or just plain stupid..i just call it living my life...

alright, that's all i got for now....apparently i need to punch someone in the face for making this monday suck balls..and not my balls, i wished my balls were being sucked..then today might not be so bad....










"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost... the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is... I've always been a fool."

2 Months

but what the heck...
..it's november...

and i'm a little drunk

Who wants a post?!?! ok, don't answer...i've been doing this daily booth thing for y'all every day..it's like an awesome mini blog..of sorts...it's like twitter as in i get to write a blurb, i get to add a picture, and in my picture i add a caption..with stitch as well...sounds great eh?

thought so...

it's november, and just as a self fulfilled prophecy is, it's sucking. i'm only eleven days into this mess and it's beyound a shit show...yes i just said this goes to eleven and yes i used a u in beyound...

you know, the other day i waited on a guy who questioned where i was from...he wanted to play that game...he guessed africa, australia, and everywhere else...fuck, i thought he was gonna go states, but he went for the countries....he was thrown off by a certain dissertation in my voice, that doesn't make sense, he was thrown off by how i was saying things...i explained to him i mimic everyone i am around all day long..i can do impressions of literally everyone - it comes from having a keen sense of observation and trying to mock all noises you heard as a kid, go figure...yes, i was the kid who made siren noises and barked like a dog because i wanted to sound as close as possible to it.

as i said it's november..this is how i handle things...i keep them inside...the mere fact i am blogging right now is a fucking miracle - the fact i am cursing a lot isn't surprising....don't want shit, don't start no shit then...yes i just used a double negative, yes you can fuck off.

i get angry when i drink..at times...i guess it comes with the territory....i mean mood or month or something...i'm rambling..

you know what i hate, emotion. mother fuck emotions. if there is one thing i'd rather live without it'd be emotions...i don't like it when people cry, i don't like it when people are all in my face happy, and i especially don't like it if i become one of those people...i cried tonight...i felt like a fucking pussy - not because crying is gay, but because it's below me. i didn't cry when TJ passed away, but on;t because i was expecting it...throw me a wrench and i break down, i fucking hate that...i hate losing control, i fucking hate defeat..

someone told me i was still hung up on my ex, you know, the fucking bitch who still owes me 6k - and i'm not saying she owes me six letter K's, i mean six to the thousand dollars ..yeah, not hung up on her as so much i'm hung up on the fact that i failed...i tried, actually tried to get her back - even though i knew it was stupid, i knew we weren't supposed to be together and hell, i actually initiated the breakup - what i can't get a grasp on is the fact that i fucking tried and i failed...i wasn't good enough, i couldn't win..i was a fucking loser..

would i be happy with her now, who the fuck cares, probably not, i'd probably be trying to break up with her again because i talk to fast using words she doesn't understand...you want a grading scale for women try this...take her IQ, subtract her weight, if it's positive you're golden....

i hate dumb bitches like i hate...whatever..emotions? go with that one again...my mouth tastes like a night at louies...where the fuck is the dumb bitch in my bed this evening..

you know what i hate...i hate the fact i wanna write my thoughts down about everything right now...but there's sooo many different parties that would fucking eat this shit up that i just couldn't deal with that...how dare i publish what's going on in my life for others to read...

which leads me into my last thought, i hope....a co-worker of mine found out something random about me and stated he wanted to write a book about the mysterious enigma that is The Jangus - to which i replied if you were to do that, either a lot of pages would be blank, or if the truth got out, a lot of people would riot - i'll keep myself as the deleted chapter in everyone else's lives and fade away...

so here you go..it's november, so if you like me, do me a favor and fuck off til december...i don't want to deal with anyone or anything at the moment because i'll break...self-fulfilling maybe, my reality at the moment, yes.










"you want me to promise you something that's happening in June, i can't even commit to next week...."