I Hate

this....
and this....

but really,

yay, its a post at night, as i promised..because i keep my promises, i hold true to my word and i don't like to lie...you know, that's right, i don't like to lie - sure, tell fibs, joke, make sarcastic remarks, but straight out lie...well, i guess the better part of my life is one big lie then...

i'm tired of being everyone's dirty little secret, of being the lie, the forgotten - wait i can handle that last one - what i really fucking hate is in the autobiography of ever fucking person i've ever known, i'm just some fucking deleted footnote, the "and between the months of April through October there was a time of no importance where all the time possible was spent with a certain someone who shall remain nameless"

i look back onto my past relationships, you know the ones where i turned stone into marble for those bitches, and the least they could do is pay a little respect to me in return, but instead i get shunned, as if i was the one to blame for how they turned out now..minus the cool parts! i look back and, well, they don't. they forget about how i helped them overcome their self-consciousness, or to break free from something that was plaguing them, get over irrational fears...nahhh, that's not what i am here for...

instead, when those fucking cunts look back on their lives and reflect about me, it's some horrid and graphic display of how i did them wrong..but that's a sad side story - i'm not playing the victim card, so help me, i just want people to wake the fuck up....

as an additional side not i'd like to mention that all those girls whom i've helped prior get over what ailed them, turning shit into gold, somehow end up fucking it all up after they discard me out of their lives..they turn right back around, down the hill, and complete the cycle back to shit....way to blow a-holes...

but let's get back on track...i've been drinking makers...and when i drink mark i start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing. i had a drink tonight and it catapulted me back four years ago to a time and a place i didn't want to remember...remember how i hated crying, yeah, this is right up there (probably cuz i cried - SHUT UP)

i hate being lied to - i remember as a kid growing up i believed in everything that everyone said. i didn't understand the concept of being lied to, i was pegged as gullible. people could tell me their dad was some crime-fighting super hero and i'd beleive them...until i started to get smart...then i realized a lot of what people said was full of shit, further proven by their actions. what's sad is as i've gotten older and gotten wiser, i've been able to see through people's deceitfulness, their lies, their awkwardness, and have known better; i still give people the benefit on the doubt and believe in them. i mean come on, i've got a degree in social engineering (ask me about it) but yet i still wanna believe in the goodness of mankind and believe that people aren't straight up lying to my face...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg on what's fucked up - But I just think good things will happen, if you are a good person with a good attitude, don't you think..sofia said that...people use me, i said that. people see the great potential i have and either wanna make me harness it, or use it for their own good.....the bad part is, i never use it for my own good....i'm like some secret weapon that somehow the bad guys get ahold of and somebody tries to win me back....but of course i'm oblivious to what is really going on and am just happy to be apart of the ride...

i don't get how i let people use and abuse me, i'm not stupid, but yet i get caught up in the whirlwind fantasy that people are all good...."half the people can be part right all of the time..some of the people can be alright part of the time..but all the people can't be all right all the time...i think abraham lincoln said that..."

fantasy....that's my life, that's how it's always been....i used to believe in shit like Santa, and if i was a good person good things would happen to me, be a good student and the doors would be open, the world is your oyster.....well, i'm salty from the lies. i'd rather be given no hope than more than a chance....at least with no hope i'd have something to overcome...with more than a chance i feel it is owed to me..well, i've come to realize nobody owes anything to me....and that has left one huge fucking chip on my shoulder...

i just want things to make sense...but, again..it's closure i seek, it's the endings i hate...i want something i'm afraid of, yet i'm able to lay it all on the line..










"I'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours, i said that..."