I Fucked Up

being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble

sometimes I wish I could just be normal

I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.

I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.

Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.

I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....

because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid

I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.

I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.

I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.

That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.

I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.

I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.







"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."

What's the Fuck

how..
and why

it all started going wrong...

First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.

Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.

But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.

While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.

Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.

I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.

but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.

They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.

I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.

And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)

I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.

All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.

Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.









"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"

I Didn't Mean for This

but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay

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I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.

When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.

I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.

"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.

So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...

I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.

I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.

And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.

I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.

Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".

So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.

John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.

People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.

It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.

----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------

The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.

So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...

say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.

be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.









"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"

Loose Lips Sink Ships

why being tight..
..is the new black

loose adj \ˈlüs\ a : lacking in precision, exactness, or care

From women to change, being loose is never a good thing.




Loose women spread diseases..
loose mouths break hearts..

I've Made a Huge Mistake

it's never too late..
..except in this case..

then it's called a regret.

I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.

I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.

This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.

Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.

What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.

And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.

Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.

I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.

At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.

Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.

My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.

I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.

This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.

But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.

So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.

Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.

I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.

All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.

I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.

I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.










"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"

It's Late

Never is too late..
unless that's what you want

so then there can't be this saying

I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.

I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack

*breathe*

people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.

I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.

I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.

Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.

but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.

i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate anything..in it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.

sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to commit..to open up..to love..to love too soon...

you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.

sure it's a two way street, but fuck.you. this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.

sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do

all this has gotten me nowhere..










"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"

2011

New Year..
knew nothing

same ol same ol

My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..

When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?

This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.

So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.

take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.










"..but this year goes to eleven.."

Back to my Roots

something different..
..yet the same

the revolution of a circle.

as the caffeine courses through my body, this unnatural feeling feels somewhat like home. sitting in a familiar setting, cup of joe to my left, silver lappy in front, empty tray to my right. I feel like it's mid-2000's right now.

Ugh, it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, coffee is not what i should be drinking...i don't even like coffee..but here i am, five years later, starting up what i stopped a long time ago. what made this come up about?

well, a book...a book that was out of place actually, and a very long, intense week. I was skyping with a friend and a discussion came up about handwriting..of course I mentioned how mine is absolutly craptastic. My friend wanting to see something I wrote i struggled to find something nearby with my writing..it made me think about how little i actually do write..i don't write orders at work, i don't write down quotes or notes any more, those go in the phone...i just don't write anything ever..

in mid-though i say a stack of books and papers, ahhh, one of my journals of course! So i grabbed the one I saw first, opened up to a random entry in the middle and showed my friend over the webcam just what horrible handwriting is.

not much of a story, but i guess after i was finished with the viewing i just put the book down next to my "computer chair" (a lazy boy in the corner of my bedroom), i mention this because the book continued to sit there for the next couple of days. this is very unlike me, i like being neat and orderly, i like having everything in its place "mis en place" or whatever that frenchy phrasing is.

you could blame it on, who knows, i'll go with the overloaded week i've had with lack of sleep messing with my simple thoughts to such a degree i felt no obligation to put the book back. So last night the book caught my eye, differently than it has the past nights, and i was drawn to it. i figured there must be a reason this book is still out, let's investigate.

so i dive in, mainly reading highlighted sections that i've marked in previous re-readings and then it hit me...the missing link for a project i am working on was right in front of me the entire time..so i continued to read more passages, taking note of the amount of coffee intake on such regular basis i was partaking in while writing and it got my gears turning.

when did i shut out coffee...when did i shut out writing..when did i shut out certain things, people, etc. the pages screamed out to me. I was elated with what i had found, yet it left a hollow feeling inside of me too. this time as i read i reflected about a time and place i enjoyed, however the character was different...it wasn't me, it was jangus..it left me asking, who is this jangus, moreso, who am i. I read about the jangus' mishaps, the girls, the adventures, the struggle..and as fully aware of it as i am now, i became uncertain of it all too.

Pro-Noun

NOT more important
NOT any better

it should be fair across the board dammit!

So, in light of one of my more recent postings I became under fire for my arguing with a professor, mainly calling me out as being "lazy because i don't capitalize my i's" This is true, I, for the most part, will not capitalize my i's...it's not because i'm lazy, it's just that i've never done it.

When I gets capitalized on my assignments it's because Word automatically corrected it for me, thanks Word. But when i type on here, there is no auto-correct, so 90% of the time the i sits there all lower-cased and shit. The times i do capitalize my I is because it's almost been instilled into me, and depending on the time of day, if i just did homework, wrote an email, etc, then the capitalization bug is still with me.

but let's take a logical look at it for just a moment, shall we? Or maybe I should say, shall We? Oh wait, no, that's incorrect...another other pronoun, be it: we, us, they, them, it, he, she,you does not get any capitalization..what the fuck is up with that?! "I'm sorry but we do not get any capitalization, but if you stand right over there I will..."

What kind of pretentious mother fucker made that rule?! Some self-absorbed asshat was like, damn I'm so awesome that when I talk about myself in the first person using a pronoun THAT too should be capitalized...next thing you know, that person started talking in the third person just to prove more of a point of their doucebaggery...

you know, walt whitman said funk all that and didn't even care to capitalize the letters in his own name.....though i cannot find reason as to why he didn't..no time to investigate..continuing on..

anyways, i'm not a fan of capitalizing the i...it's not lazy, it takes my hands off from the very important keys..shift...fuck shift...it's allll the way over there in the corner...oh shit..there's two of the fuckers, that's how unimportant they are! they want you to use them so badly they'll put the stupid keys all over the damn place...give me another function key, two delete keys, something i'll actually use....my fingers have no time to press two keys at one when the outcome is only a larger letter..that's what CAPS is for...

CAPS IS FOR ANGRY!










"you know, when i is capitalized it just looks like a fucking lower case l..."

Don't Say That..

no no no...
this is NOT contradictory..

this is a public service announcement and you should heed warning....

Right off the bat I'm gonna sound like a prick, i'm gonna sounds contradictory, i'm gonna become my enemy upon typing these keys..So instead I'll sit in the matinee and tell you about all the boys i hate, all the girls i hate, all the words i hate, how i'll never be anything i hate...bear with me.

I hate goodbyes. See, I knew I was going to get that response...yes, yes, I have ALWAYS said, say goodbye...and yes, I want people to say goodbye. When people are leaving in the morning, or whatever, say frickin' goodbye (except for that one time I asked a person not to say goodbye, so in my head it never ended..ahh, memories..) but say.the.words. I've gone on hating enough people for not saying goodbye, but I suppose there is a fine line.

Goodbye is final, nothing cuts like a knife moreso than 'goodbye' - especially when that word is said in haste, said abruptly, said in anger. So it's not so much the word I hate, it's the context of which it is used...I hate the person's reluctance to deal with the situation, their abandonment of the situation...

Why can't people just say what's on their minds, like me? LOL But seriously, more would get accomplished, there would be no awkward situation, there would be no argument, no stupid emotion like how I'm feeling right now...

All my life I stress that people be honest with me, people tell me what is up...after that I expect the truth from them..when I start to question them and they reassure me, then I cannot question anymore because then I'm a dick, I'm not trusting them like I should be. And that is wrong.

Maybe i'm taking it out of context, maybe i'm reading more into than i really should...maybe CAPS DOESN'T MEAN ANGRY...but perception is reality...

this, sadly, is my reality.








"CAPS MEANS ANGRIES!"

Fuck the Rules

fuck the man..
let creativity ring

the fine line between being rebellious and creative.

I keep getting dinged in my classes for my "grammar" problems...be it the ellipses i use, the use of commas, the fact I don't capitalize my I's, whatever the case my be I lose points for it...BUT as my professors strike down their red pens and mark me wrong for it, in the same stroke they congratulate me, uplift me and my findings, my brilliant writing, my prose and wit..and this bothers me.

I am bothered by it because I feel they are creating a double standard, that what they want is impossible almost. In a world of 100 percents, if I excel at one part, something else has to suffer. I can keep my eyes close for 10 minutes, heightening my other senses in the process, while my sense of sight is at zero.

But it's not only that, but that's my style, that's who I am, that's how I write..part of the reason why it is so brilliant is because of the way it is written. If I were to employ perfect English grammar, the read would not be as smart, as enjoyable, as witty, or convey as much personality as it does currently.

Those painters, artists, etc are known for "coloring outside of the lines", i mean fuck, look at monet! Their works of art wouldn't be considered amazing historical pieces had they done what they were told to do..had they lived within the strict confines of "how to properly do their thing"

they all said fuck the rules

they said that not because they were rebelling against the structure, but because their creativity did not allow for it. Their minds were busy at work making something beautiful that they didn't have time to go back over with stupid little details of capitalization in short.

walt.fucking.whitman.

i shouldn't even have to say more with that statement. do you know most fucking authors, poets, writers don't follow the "laws" of writing, and the only reason why we the people see the perfect writing is because the publishing companies change it all as it is being pressed. Publishing houses clean it up, leading us to believe that those artists write perfectly ALL the TIME!

and yes, I know the difference between not caring because it's beautiful and not caring because you're a dumbass. If someone reads what I've written and is cranialy pleased, I've done my job, but furthermore it proves that "perfect english" had nothing to do with what was said...it didn't make my writing any dumber by not following the rules, and if anything my writing can stand on its own.

in the end, nothing is going to change the way i write, my writing is my expression of self, by reading you can tell i'm not some random joe, that my prose is beautiful, my thoughts witty, my knowledge vast, and those who say otherwise are haters. end of story.

quit trying to stifle creativity, it's fucking college!

(oh, and I'll justify full all-fucking-day long!)









"all in all we're just another brick in the wall apparently..."

Is it Wierd

to be upset..
..with emotions?

maybe i'm just talking about the one's i'm not used to...

Con...Fused

who says what
what says who

and everything else along the way

What do you do when actions and words do not match..no no, not like when I say I'm dancing a marathon right not as I am obviously writing a blog, or wait, maybe that is what I am saying..even more confused now lol. All through life we get ourselves in situations where what we want and how we act are two totally different things, but why is that?

Take for example this past Thanksgiving, as everybody gathered around, there were certain uneasy feelings for some, right? Ok, I'll use myself here. As I sat in the living room with my family, hors d'oeuvre were being placed out onto the coffee table that was in the middle of us all. They at there, and sat there...I was starving not having eaten anything before I made the road trip up, but I just watched the food sit there, as did everyone else. As much as I wanted to dig in, I refrained. Now some people would call this being polite, but what the fuck does politesse have to do with this, they just served the food, obviously they want you to eat it...especially after dropping it off they say, "Dig in!"

Why do we feel it wrong to go with our gut feelings? Why do we let the influence of others be so strong, even if it's not actually there? Why cannot we not think, feel, and act on our own ambitions rather than second guessing them because of what someone else may say or think?

Now I know they say peer pressure is strong, but honestly, funk that noise. I'm gonna do what I think/feel/know is best for me....because if I don't, I'll miss out. As my uncle said, "if you're shy you'll go without" - I thought about that phrase for a minute out of context, it's true. People are shy because they are afraid of a non-real factor, something they concocted in their heads. if you don't act on something, you won't get that something.

I prefer to go with "Hesitation causes accidents" Somebody who is wishy-washy, can't make up their mind only causes harm to themselves and people around them. As much as they think it's best to "not do something", they will pause, and never give it a chance..they are missing out. You ever sit at a green light, watch that person in front of you try to make that left hand turn...they've had several (missed) opportunities...each time they pull out a little more but clam up and stop..and before you know it they light is turning red and then they gun it...yeah same situation here. Their hesitation has delayed you, and maybe even endangered lived...all because they couldn't make up their minds.

I respect my friends and my family and those around me on that certain level, but I won't let their voices get in my head and cause me to not do something. If you're going to question me about who I am dating, I appreciate your input but too bad, I've made MY choice, please accept that. If you're going to question my change of career, again, I appreciate your concerns, but this is on me, please be supportive.

(now i'm not saying every decision needs to be supported, I've bailed on plenty of people who have asked for my advice, taken it for the first three seconds, then went right back into the horrible situation..I don't need people like that in my life but that's a different blog)

You know I am all about challenging others, so I do welcome any opposition, but I'm just saying, it will more than likely not run it's course in my brain until after I've given it a shot. So you can sit there and be negative and say "did you just say i love you?" and I'll respond with I sure did. I do not need to sugar coat anything to my friends, and I will not apologize for my feelings or opinions.

I do not wish to be wreckless with people's hearts, as nobody should be wreckless with mine. This isn't Bridges to Babylon, I don't want you to say those words to me unless you do mean them, with conviction. Maybe it's just like when I don't give PDA to a girl in public, there's a reason for that.

I just want things to match up; if you say A, then show A. Fuck the nay-sayers. Just Love.









"Sweet lies. Baby baby dripping from your lips.."

Con..

Cuss..
..ion

noooooooooooooo

I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..

this is all because i read up on concussions!

my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!

seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced

or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.

in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone

in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude

in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...










"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."

Ok, Ok, OK

self-fulled..
bad luck..

or just plain ol coincidence....

November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.

Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.

I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.

I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.

my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.

And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.

I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.

This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.

As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.

maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....









"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"

To Fight the Good Fight

or any fight..
..just fight

I'm a fighter who loves coincidentally.

Funny, this has come up on several occasions this week alone, so I feel it now time to be blog-worthy. We've all heard the phrase "I'm a lover not a fighter", but I honestly cannot recall a time I've ever heard the opposite said. Is society saying it is better to be a lover an not to fight, but what if you are fighting for what you love?

I guess I just love to fight, give me a cause and I'm there. My English teacher in highschool once said to me, "Jangus, not everything is a revolution!" I think I can see where he is going with this, pick and chose your battles, don't make mountains out of molehills, shit like that...but, I guess I don't understand that logic. If something is said, if something is brought up, obviously it's "big enough" to point out...so why bust my balls when I defend it? Maybe I can't live things down, let things go, but that's just who I am and what I do, I'm a fighter.

I hate it when people say it's not that big of a deal, it's not that deep, when they are the assholes who said it in the first place. They attack, I counter, I'm the asshole?! Failed logic right there. Just because I was able to squash your accusation or claim or whatever, just because I was able to defend myself, the other side, etc doesn't make me the asshole, buddy.

Every cause is worth fighting for.

As long as you have conviction, you have the right, no, the responsibility to fight. Now granted there are key ways to go about fighting, not every cause needs your full on militia, but be prepared to deploy them at a moment's notice when things get out of hand.

I got ejected from my football game tonight. I disputed a call, I wanted a touchdown overturned. I knew I was right because I was involved with the play - the guy was down a good two yards before he or the ball cross into the endzone. I was fueled to defend myself beyond normal arguing limits by the horrible play calling that led up to that point - sure it didn't help that our team was losing, but it didn't help that we didn't have a call go our way up to that point either. As I tried to explain my point, I got a flag thrown for unsportsmanlike conduct. As the sand-filled yellow flag hit the turf, I lost my cool. I said some choice words letting the ref know how I really felt. His response was, "alright 35 here's another." The second flag hit the ground, he tossed me from the game, and I laid into him. I figured I was already gone, there was no turning back, what was there to lose. (being ejected also prohibits you from playing in the following game, the following game just so happens to be the last game of the season).

I was upset, I stood up for myself, I stood up for my team (as I am their coach), I stood up against the horrible play calling - did I go too far with it, maybe, but I was only brought to that point by everything else. It's not like it was one play and I went off the deep end, it was antagonized.

I fight because I believe.

I have "fights" with people not because I am angry, nor because I am trying to cause problems, drama, etc; I fight because I want to evoke emotion from those people. One of my girlfriends once told me that we "fought' more than any of her other boyfriends ever did. Now I am using the term "Fight" really loosely here, hence the quotes. Again, these weren't real fights, just me challenging a person's ideas/convictions/beliefs...I do this to see how true and how passionate they really are. I like to play Devil's Advocate a lot, and a lot of people hate it a lot. People hate when they come under fire and they cannot come up with an argument for their reasoning, people hate when they are wrong (I wouldn't know, I'm never wrong).

I fight because I want to take a stand on what I believe. I fight because I know what's right. I fight because it's worth it. I fight because it's the only way I know. I fight because giving up is not an option. I fight for what matters most to me.

Tenacity, that is what defines me. I'm the fighter in the ring that keeps getting back up..even after the match is long over, I'm still fighting. Til I win I'll keep fighting. Til I die I'll keep fighting. I'm gonna keeping fighting for you. Always.










"You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking..."

I Feel Like Fucking Shit UP

i don't know for what
i don't know what about

i just think this is gonna be a ride, hold tight

I don't know what has gotten into me all of a sudden...at this moment right now, the fog clouds that once blocked the pathway for any logical idea have moved south, gaining strength, and are storming emotion in my chest - much like this odd late November thunderstorm we are having...

I don't know if it's a September leftover that just cured my migraine, or the fact that once you beat down somebody enough with so many different angles they burst back to life much like the Hulk - you don't wanna see him angry....well, I'M angry

Maybe it's the writing, my passion that broke through the pain, the pain of being stifled, locked away, hidden with no path to it...it wanted free, it wanted to be heard. nothing is as powerful as human conviction..i almost said nothing is as powerful as the human voice, but that would have been taken too literally..how about nothing is as powerful as the truth?

whatever...i'm losing it here, let's get back on...

there really wasn't a track, ever. Nor ever there will be, will there now? I haven't been drinking of this i assure you, despite the complete randomness of whatever it is i am saying

i want to say so much..i want tell everything as stories, poems, whatever but i know any attempt to do so will only look like i shotgunned my heart onto the screen. a mess of confusion. trying to sort out everything, the what goes where with whom is too daunting of a task...if it hasn't already been said, then it's already been buried for some time now...

emotions aren't time capsules for us to unlock later in life and reflect - rather they get sent to a landfill, where more shit gets dumped on top of them throughout the years in a forgotten area you can only see as you drive by on the freeway.

sad thing is, only over the course of time do we realize that we've been fools, emotions aren't biodegradable like we had hoped they were.










"you can run, but you can't hide..."

I'm not here to make friends
I'm not here to establish connections
even though it's all about who you know
i don't care

but i'm not here for me either
i'm not greedy
i just want to live my life

Idea

possible
possibility

something of the sorts...

this goes along with the post I made just the other week about reshaping the structure behind what I post. One idea I had consisted of telling a narrative, a story from my life in an epically long, multi-post fashion. The key is I would post my normal posts and what not, and every third day or so I'd throw in a new chapter in the story..

I think it would take a lot of talent, a lot of memory, a lot of hashing up old emotions that I really do not think I have the time for...but again, I feel as if these stories need to be told, the sooner I get them out, the better and more precise they will be

So if you want the made for TV mini-series of a love affair gone sour hit me up..i think i can still do this...after all, this is what i do










"Now that everyone knows, the statute of limitations on my promise not to tell my story have expired..."

What Just Happened?

my apologies..
..and an excuse

it was a good run, but two days off killed my streak

Jolted from a dead sleep it feels as if your head is in a blender as an alarm makes a deafening cry somewhere across the room. you frantically maneuver out of bed in hopes of silencing the piercing noise only to be succumbed by pain and find yourself back down as quickly as you had sprung up. A nauseous feeling overwhelms you as your mind spins after impact with the floor. The blades of lights cut across the room shooting out from the blinds and burn your eyes. You lay there in pain for that's all you can do or want to do, wondering what truck ran you over in your sleep. Pain is all you feel, pain is all you see, pain is all you hear, pain is all you can think because pain has now took up residence in your head. You are not experiencing a hangover, this is a migraine, welcome to my world.

My seasonal migraine has settled in for the season like those unwanted house-guests we call family during the holidays. I knew I was about due, but I keep thinking that every new year will be different. That's just madness..to hope. My head pain started on Thursday, and as much as I wanted it to go away, it only grew in strength. I do not get headaches throughout the year like most people, or if I do it's not a headache to my standards - probably because of the pain I endure during this period where I want a lobotomy. I call it Hell Week, because it typically last one to two weeks, on-again, off-again; worse than my highschool girlfriend....ok no, she was definitely worse.

I wake up and take my medication, having to take it on an empty stomach to get any results at all. If I'm lucky the pain goes away pretty quickly, but other times it only lessens a degree or two, still lingering. I take my 50/50 chances this morning in order to be functional and get ready for work in which I have to leave in thirty minutes. The problem with taking medication on an empty stomach is it wreaks havoc on your tummy, constantly urging you to feed it...but food will only wear off the effects of the drugs and your back at square one. Having to choose between the pains, I'll take the lesser of the two.

The other issue of taking the medication is the "medicine head" feeling that accompanies the "wellness". Sure I may not have pain, but I do not have thoughts either. I cannot focus. I'm sleepy. Speech stops in mid-sentence. Easy words are lost. Homework is impossible. Blogging is Blaaa. It's not like I'm a walking zombie or in a catatonic stupor; it's just that it feels like there's a huge fog cloud between me and my brain...I'm over here and it's...well, somewhere lost over there.

So that's where I've been the past couple of days. I apologize for disappearing over the weekend, but honestly, all my assignments were turned in late for school, work wore me down physically and mentally, and I couldn't pull it together.

Right now I'm in no pain, but my head feels like it's being compressed in a vice. I'm struggling to type this up but I'm doing so in hopes to fight those demons in my head, taking a stand.

hot flashes and frequent naps...are these common side effects?










"this must be the world's karmatic revenge on to me for being a dick the entire year distributed over a two week period..."

You Know You're Addicted to DDR When...

this is just sad..
because it's true

in light of my recent, long awaited purchase..much like this post

- You buy a pair of shoes / trainers specially for playing DDR.
X - You start taking a change of clothes with you to the arcade - So that you have a fresh T-shirt to wear on your way home instead of being drenched in sweat.
X - You only stop playing due to onset of cramp in your legs.
X - You carry on playing despite having cramp in your legs.
- When everyone else sings "Boom, Boom". You say "Mighty fine dollar" instead of "I want you in my room"
X - People think you have a stutter when you talk about the game.
- You dress in the exact same outfit like the characters dancing on the screen in the background all the time.
X - You have at least 10 mats for the Playstation in case one breaks.
- You steal the panels from the arcade and try to attach it to the playstation so you don't have to play with the controls or buy / use those crappy mats.
- You try to find all DDR on icq just to increase your icq list numbers and then brag about how you know all the DDR people in the world.
X - The local DDR arcade is now into the bottle water business.
- You ask your new boyfriend/girlfriend "Have you ever been mellow"
- The local arcade now has a private room with a DDR machine just for you.
- You vote for your favorite DDR song on your national top 30 song on the radio.
- Your personal ambition is to be a butterfly.
X - Your way of getting to know people is by dancing with them.
X - You dance on your hands.You have ripped 14 pants trying to street dance (playing with hands and feet)
X - You have, through MAJOR alterations, managed to make your DDR mat at home exactly the same as the one in the arcade... down to the plastic arrow your swiped from your neghbourhood arcade...
- You refuse to wake up from your sleep every morning to go to school, because you dream that you have eternal credits in the DDR machine.
- You find yourselve banned from your neighborhood arcade for spoiling 7 machines with your extreme dancing style.
- People at the arcade start asking you to change their money instead of going to the operators.
X - You dance on the 2nd side of the machine, while player 1 is playing his own, single player game...
X - Songs that you used to dislike are good now, since they were featured in DDR...
- You start to wear a white hat, one glove and grabbing you crotch a lot.
- When seeing an attractive women in high heels, your first thought is 'how can she play in those'.
X - At the arcade, you have more entourage than Madonna, Britney Spears, and Beyonce all put together.
X - You see arrows when you close your eyes.
X - You see arrows regardless of eyes open or closed.
X - You tap away steps on your fingers regardless of where you are.
X - You start doing DDR steps, in the middle of nowhere, regardless of where you are
X - You have important work to do, but load up DDR or Stepmania instead for a "quickie"
X - You can name any song on any mix, and sing along.
X - You know what Delight Delight Reduplication and Diet Diet Revolution are.
X - You had most/all of DDR Extreme on your pc before it even came out.
- You can remember the exact date when DDR Extreme came out.
X - You whistle DDR tunesYou have DDR ringing tones on your mobile.
X - You play DDR Music while you work on your PC.
X - You copy DDR Music to play in your car or on your mini/cd player
X - You have every single DDR game on your consoles
X - You are in love with one of the DDR background characters, and/or you can name them all.
X - You download DDR competition videos.
X - You have AAA'ed a Expert/Heavy song on the arcade machine.
- You have mastered all the songs on doubles on any level.
X - You only play DDR at the arcade, no other game is interesting enough.

so there you have it...sadly, I have been/am addited to DDR...wow









"This is the game where you use your feet....."

Duh..

i always remember..
until i forget....

and then I'll eventually remember that i'm forgetting something, i just won't know what...

So, as it goes, every-time I start to revive this thing it takes me awhile before getting back into the swing of things...like when Michael Jordan came back to the NBA after his short stint playing for the White Sox, his jumper sucked, the Bulls didn't get another title..but after that..oh brother, after that they went on for another 3-peat...yes, yes I did just compare myself to the great Michael Jordan, deal with it.

And let me tell you, this picking this shit back up, it's a daunting task..I usually tackle the task of writing head on, blitzkrieg attack my posts, coming out in a day to day fashion..one right after another...until I realize I didn't save any for the swim back. I wear down, get wore out, no longer does it become something fun to do, it's a chore, no longer a hobby, but something i have to do.

Just about the time last when I was trying to write, but it all came to a swift end I had a vision of how I wanted my future posts and blog to be, a vision that would have lifted some of the weight and stress of writing every single day...but the plan never made it off the drawing board, no true test model, just an idea..that lay dormant....until now.

I had forgotten this brilliant idea that would have saved my "life" had i put it into motion. The idea is something similar to that of what you can see on Tumblr. Having the ability to not just post lengthy, long-winded stories, but quotes, quick blurbs, pictures, whatever the case may be...just so I am not writing a thousand words a day in one sitting, while trying to live my life as well.

The idea really came to fruition around the time the "labels" were made available on posts...if you look through all my labels you'll see certain things like "quotes", "stories", etc...having the ability to structure my blog and have posts easily accessible under the little "tags" would allow the blog to be multi-versatile, able to let me go in different directions, therefore taking off some the creative stress from my back, by adding on a new kind.

so the question really remains, if this idea looks so good on paper, why was it never implemented, why didn't it work? Maybe because by the time I remember my saving grace idea I was already too burnt out on it, I couldn't undertake the daunting task of doing something different, let alone anything for that matter.

But this time I seem to have blown the dust off the back of my mind just in time..this idea has stirred new ambition for future blogs and a hope for tomorrow. Will it last, we will just have to wait and see...








"..Shit! I don't remember what I forgot!"

Jinxed?

something's strange..
..and it don't look good

the spot that makes things go away

So I am coming to terms that I have yet another curse, if you're unfamiliar with any of my other curses, well...damn, I haven't wrote about them..that would have been the most opportune time to insert a link all up in your face about it...ok you got me.

This time the curse involves a little device called, my iphone. The problem area: the fourth position down on my "favorites" call list. I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but, whenever I add a name to that spot, shortly there after that person is removed from my life.

It ranges from such extremes as deaths, to breakups, to someone not having time for me...but whatever the case may be, as quickly as they are put into that slot, they are removed just as well.

It's happened so often now that, when I feel as if someone's number is worthy enough to go into my "favorites" section I hesitate, come up with reasons as to why they are not "special" enough to go onto that stupid page...just because I now fear for the worst.

obviously is someone is going onto my favorites page, or is up for consideration of such a prestigious honor, it's because i talk to them a lot...and if i'm talking to them a lot, then that signifies there's an established relationship, a connection, something that makes them standout from the rest....it's like being top five of your class..ohhh the wonders of being in my bubble.

but with this slot now cursed, i do not want to put that relationship into jeopardy just because for the convenience of having their number in that spot. But over time, by popular demand, getting enough signatures on petitions, passing through both the house and senate all with a majority approval, the earlier vetoes and roadblocks are overcome and that number gets a spot onto my favorites page..the fourth slot.

Why don't i just add someone I don't talk to onto spot number four and keep them there, thus saving all future numbers by sacrificing some random loner number....that'd be like trying to pass off a prostitue as a virgin to the gods, they know better and the wrath that would be endured is unimaginable..we're talking fire and brimstone here people! it's written somewhere in the scriptures...look it up!

What about if i were to put my own number in slot4?! oh god...that'd be like crossing the streams...and crossing the streams is bad...like all life as I know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in my body exploding at the speed of light. but that's kinda heavy...aren't there other scenarios.... maybe it would put me into shock and Id simply pass out. Or two, the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe! Granted, that's a worse case scenario. The destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy.

So, I don't know what to do, how to handle it for all future applicants...do I get it blessed? exorcised? what?

y'all think i'm crazy, but this is true life...alright fine...i'm crazy









"Cursed are those who create suffering and sin..."

Urrrrrrgh

i want to write something..
..but all i can do is this

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"sometimes the worst feeling is knowing that even though you gave it your all, it still wasn't enough"

Blowjobs

girls don't know,
but they think they do...

time to set the record straight.

Dear Girls, you do NOT give the best blowjobs ever, end of story...no no..don't give me that bullshit, "well every guy i've blown has said i'm the best" Does that not give it away right there?! or does your super inflated ego block the obvious from showing through...

this is my issue...every girl i've ever talked to about blowjobs claims to give the best blowjobs ever. I know this to not be true and somebody needs to set people right. I've had my share of blowjobs, i've had one girl who was consistently decent, other than that they are less noteworthy than what I happened to be wearing at the time.

Girls, your blowjobs are not the best ever. I think it's kinda funny that women will call men liars about everything, until it comes to sexual related things. "all men lie about where they were, why they were out so late, who they were with, etc.." but they would never lie about your performance in bed...never.

Wrong.

Men lie about it so you'll keep doing it. Women are really super sensitive when it comes to issues of sex and most have complexes over their body, performance, what have you. Even the most mild conversation in any attempt on correcting a procedure will only amount to an argument, crying, and the threat of never doing it again because "they only do it wrong" in our eyes.

So men created this scheme after going down that troublesome road, just tell them they are great so we can still get a half-assed bj in hopes that it will eventually get better.

when you were in kindergarten and your teacher and your parents all were soooo proud of your little drawing, said you were the best, hung it on the fridge..didn't that feel good? it made you want to continue with your life, essentially..but looking back at that drawing now, you realized all those people lied just to keep your spirits up.

Women are children.

The only difference is, women never grow up and look back to see that their bj's really were not that great - they take their men's word as gospel and brag about it to their girlfriends and potential men later in their life.

no man will say the truth because, even though as bad as it is, it's something, and we do not want to lose that...well, i tell the truth

short story: One time long ago, this girl kept bragging all night about how she couldn't believe that i've never received a good blowjob, and how she gave such great head. So later on in the evening, i put her to the test. I won't go into detail of the variables that automatically disqualified her from giving me a great blowjob, but in the end, it was "meh". As she finished she gave me a cocky look saying "well?" to which i respond, "yeah, still have yet to get a good blowjob"

Yes I came, but the ends does not justify the means...just because I came does not mean it was a good bj - for the record I forced myself to come just to make it end. And I can hear all your whinny little protests from here, but I'll have none of that! Cumming does not equal amazing, a warm bagel can make me cum, that doesn't mean that's how i'll eat all my sandwiches.

I already know I'm going to have a part two to this blowjob topic, the next covering techniques, formalities, and so forth...this was more of an informational/setting the record straight post

let me state this to clarify, I'm not saying no girl can give a great blowjob, I'm just saying, bitch, you probably ain't the best...so to avoid humiliation and me losing all respect for you, don't say yous the best, says yous good, but not the michael jordan of sucking cock

everybody sucks cock differently, every cock likes different things...if you were that good, he'd still be hanging onto you now...just sayin'










"Girl, yous like Frosted Flakes, cuz you're Grrrrrrrreat!"

The System

I used to believe..
..but not anymore

it only protects those it shouldn't

I used to believe in working things through the set designed course-path, the system; but no longer...I forgot to add in the element that people could lie, even under oath. This Wednesday I went to court for my dog, a dog I purchased, loved, cared for, and had to temporarily let him go...all because some dumb bitch would not give him back. She lost me so she took the one thing I had in my life that I cared for, more than her, more than anything else, my dog.

Prior to any court dates, anybody who heard of the story has shown a general dislike to said girl, and told me to just show up to her doorsteps and take my dog back. I responded with that's not how things work, obviously there is a system in place for these reasons, I will go through the necessary hula hoops and get my dog back that way.

I figured if I go to court, tell my side, what more is there to it? Oh right, I didn't add in the fact she's a fucking lying bitch...my bad. So I have to go to court, on her grounds, with her daddy acting as her representation, in a place where he's on the board or chairman or some political shit like that...even though I was the plantiff, it was definitely an away game.

As she was called as a witness I was disgusted by the rehearsed dialogue spewing onto the courtroom floor. Her daddy holding her hand, guiding her words as he asked the questions for responses he already planned out. When asked by my friends why didn't I just lie, I said because the truth was better than any lie I could ever come up with, at least on my end.

The judge too was not on my side, not wanting to hear the story, only taking in what the defense said, disregarding half of my evidence I gave up midway through my fight. I kept my composure all the way up to one point where I finally had enough of the lies and could not take it any more. She gave a rehearsed legal term as to why she was withholding the dog from me and I burst out a loud "NO!" to which of course the judge said something to me about.

I came with a plan of attack, I had my documents, my defense, my truths...but I know it wasn't enough to match the evilness of lies told by the defense. I'll receive a judgment in 4-6 weeks, and frankly, I'm not looking forward to it. I do not have time to drive 10 hours round trip to play lawyer and have people make a mockery of the legal system using loopholes and lies.

I know she will read this, she still cyber stalks me, and I could not care less what she reads...I'm sure she'll use this against me in court too...or maybe sue me for defamation of character because I called her cunt, what the fuck ever.

I don't care anymore. I lost my dog to a person I entrusted him with, that was my mistake...and the cost was realizing that people will do great things out of spite, the cost was realizing that the person you thought you knew was a spineless scumbag reserved for the deepest depths of hell, the cost of my innocence that the system worked for good, not bad.

I never got a chance to tell her fuck off, so here it is now.










"he made me out to be a Michael Vick dog hating bastard...yeah well I fucked his daughter...in the ass"

Girls

all I really want is..
...nope, not gonna say it

who the fuck have these people been?

Honestly, looking back at the bitches I've dated/had relations with, I'm only left to ask, why? How is it one of the most picky people in the world allows such fucktards to enter the bubble.

As I sat in a court room across from one of the most socially inept people I've ever met, I wondered, what the fuck was I doing with her? That little blurb right there should be a key give away for me to move onto someone else...socially awkward, not in the good sense, then how did I deal with that? And that's just the tip of the iceberg with that one...I could go into details about her looks and make me come across as shallow, but honestly - I'm one for natural beauty, and I made the mistake of catching this bitch in her natural state..I remember telling her to fix herself up and never letting me catch her again like that..

Yes I like looks, that's fucking natural people (unless you're blind), you use the senses you got..what looks better a lamborghini or a mini cooper (I swear to god if someone tries to defend a mini cooper I'm gonna explode) So naturally I am attracted to what my eye is attracted to, survival of the fittest, look it up. Now I will say that the stereotype that guys like blondes and yada yadda yadda does not really apply to me..like I stated earlier, I like natural beauty...someone who doesn't need to cake on makeup, someone I can wake up in the morning next to and smile (ahhh, redemption)

I learned this awhile back ago, in fact, it was when I was at Michigan. I was dining with a group of friends at bursley hall, the cafeteria (best cafe food on campus) and a group of girls walked by to which my comrades starting commenting on. Everybody honed in on one girl in particular...the blonde. As everyone made their comments I kept silent...which was heard by the group prompting them to direct questions to me. I remember bits and pieces of my response, which I've used over the years since that moment, and even in the paragraph above mentioned it. "you see the blonde right, well the friend to her left, the one with the brown hair...she's the one i'd take" i get weird responses but go on to explain that she's naturally the better looking one, she's the one i could wake up to every morning and still see beauty and...i continued and by the time i was finished the guys all gave me an awww, assholes.

Regardless, I'm just trying to defend that i'm not as much of a prick as I may be coming off or you think I am.

Another girl had the looks, had the tits, but that was it. Sure eye candy is sweet on the eyes, there are many things that matter as well. If a girl is dumb, what's the fucking point? (at least in my opinions and my desires) If a girl tells me she never understands what I am saying because either A) I talk too fast or B) Uses big words that she doesn't understand I think we may have a winner, err, loser depending on how you look at it.

I'm asking for a girl who can keep up with conversation, offer her own input, has a mind of her own...but not be too smart...there's the key....you get some bitch who thinks she's smart (like all women) who actually does have some brains, then you're dealing with a "perfect storm". A bitch who is smart only magnifies their bitchiness and I do not have time for that.

No intelligence, no social skills, high Ph levels, no morals, I mean I could go on for days about all the miscues the women I've been with have had, that I've foolishly let in but that would be a bummer. Is this all my fault? Do I love getting to know people, challenging them, pushing their limits, making them better so much that I lose myself along the way. In the process do I fall in love with these people because it's real, or because I believed in my own propaganda...or is it because love is a fictitious state of mind...

If BTTF has taught us anything, it's just that, love is some made up state of mind and you can fall in love with virtually anyone at any given time...and that really challenges the cliche valentine's day meaning of love. Soul mates? Nah, just whomever my daddy hits with his car will be fine. Why do we try to make it out to be more than what it really is...I'm not condemning society's view on love, rather..well, i'm bitch slapping it in fact.

Now i'm not saying you can settle down with just anyone, I've tried that..it doesn't work. I've tried to find a girl who could put up with me, who loved me, who whatever...but I've found that in those situations, when most of the weight is being carried by the other, I lose interest. I had a girl who wanted to be my sugar momma, I could be the stay at home dad, it was perfect..except her. So even given the ideal situation, it wasn't what I wanted.

Like I said, I'm picky...maybe too picky, yet not picky enough at the same time. Annoying voices, distance, drama, ill-fated relationships, whatever the case may be I still step up to the plate for them...

I know I can fall in love with anyone at the drop of a hat...but I want it to be real










"I wanna go balls deep in her..i mean like..you know, I wanna go further than balls deep, i wanna go so deep it starts sucking me in like a vortex, breaking my back in half just to get deeper…that's how badly i want to be inside her"

Move-ember

there's something in a sunday...
..that makes a body feel alone

In Memoriam.

I was wondering what I was going to do today, and looking back upon it, I realize that I'm still trying to figure it out. Last night, err, this early morning we rolled back our clocks, which means an extra hour of sleep, unless you're me...For whatever reason my body just knows about DST and laughs at my thoughts of getting an extra hour of sleep - instead, it has an extra hour to keep me up..and ponder.

I'm doing my best to write, honestly. While I'm away from my computer a thousand ideas and topics rush through my head...rush so rapidly that I cannot grasp onto them when the time is appropriate.

So to kill two bluebirds with one stone, I am writing write now...it would be what he wanted I feel.

It's November now, so all creativity has fled my mind only to leave a vacancy for numbness and sorrow...the inevitable and much dreaded November is upon me, and while I look to the very near future for some sort of light at the end of the month, I am haunted by the past.

You can call it a self-fulled prophecy because my eyes are only fixated on the rear view mirror of my life, it's hard to overcome obstacles in your head when you never learn how to get around the roadblocks you yourself put up.

Why do we as people choose to go down the same disastrous road time and time again - is it that we are just products of habit? Even with the knowledge of the outcome, does it just feel comfortable? Are we trying, maybe hoping, to correct the wrongs from all previous attempts - in one of those self-sacrificing, say hello to my little friend, balls to the walls knock me down 7 times and I'll stand up 8 displays of detrimental dedication?

I suppose it must vary from person to person, as for myself, I suppose I'm still trying to figure that one out. When do you say enough is enough and give up, and when should you keep trying? All our lives we are fed these conflicting bullshit lines of hope, that really don't amount to anything and just contradict one another. They'll say a winner never quits in the same breath they say know when to walk away.

In the end it's all about the bloody outcome...if you continue over and over and finally achieve your goal, you'll go down as a stupid footnote to some cliche line about overcoming adversity...and conversely, should you never obtain that goal you'll be Moral Number 77, quit while ahead.

If at first you don't succeed try and try again, unless that is you're trying the same thing over and over again...then you're just insane.

So I'm preparing for this November, or Move-ember, or Mo-vember as people call it now - growing a mustache to support testicular cancer awareness - I like to mesh the Mo with Moves and testicular cancer with cancer, so it's Move-ember to me..all encompassing.

So there you have it, I'll see you at the cross-roads.











"To anyone I've ever met: I'll see you all again after our long journey to the middle."