I've Made a Huge Mistake

it's never too late..
..except in this case..

then it's called a regret.

I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.

I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.

This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.

Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.

What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.

And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.

Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.

I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.

At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.

Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.

My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.

I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.

This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.

But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.

So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.

Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.

I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.

All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.

I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.

I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.










"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"

Ok Ok Ok Ok

I know, i know..
don't hate

it's working..dirty seconds - said in ugly spanglish accent

alright, here we are again, a lack of updates and another sunday trying to play catch up..which reminds me of a joke...a pappa tomatoe, momma tomatoe, and kid tomatoe.....anyways, i digress

of course as i finally plop myself in front of my computer all bits of stories and whatnot flies away from me like the lint and dust from the cushions. i really do want to get 'back on track' as much as i know that statement to mean. and what i'm about to say will upset a certain person, but dammit you can't please everyone, so i have stopped trying....

i had a visitor for the past two weeks, and although i appreciate having people that want to spend time with me, it's the same story of girlfriends past told time and time again. situation is people enter my world and then my world, as i knew it, ceases to exist. whenever i have had visitors/girlfriends/whatever i sacrifice myself and my rituals, the betterment of myself, for the other person...i know i'm not the only one to have ever done this...how many times have you had some sort of daily ritual, whether it be school, work, working out, yoga, whatever; that, when someone else enters your realm, the former is skipped out on.

now i am going to receive some heat from this, but no offence, i'll blame myself..i try to make time for the newer element by sacrificing every little thing in world....i'll take off of work early, i'll skip the gym, i'll not get the mail..i try to make the most out of the other persons visit, that, by the time it is over i m almost relieved, which shouldn't be the case...

and yes, i hear over and over "you don't have to do all that, you can do what you normally do" but people don't say what they truly feel or think..so i know better..i know they don't want to sit around while i run my errands or do whatever after they just sat around for the past 8 hours while i was at work...

but it isn't limited to visits, as the most recent case may suggest, it's girlfriends in general....girls really do equal money times time (and therefore the root of all evil..)... sure i grew up as an only child, sure that's how i like things, sure that's what i am used to - and sure i may be a republican..it all adds up to me not being a fan of changes in my life that i lack control of.

what am i getting at...simply i am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life....because i have spent too long giving up parts of my life for other people only to not have them in the present..i guess i need to look out for number one...but in that process you'll be called selfish - those are just some of the contradictory quotes i've questioned while growing up - and still if you're real you'll be called jaded, if you hide it, you're called fake..efff it.











"you're a vacation when i didn't need one"

I Store Everything Up...

how am i not myself
how am i not myself?

i didn't sleep the best, but i'm not blaming anyone for that, i was just happy to have had a bed to sleep in. i kept waking up periodically through the night, i wasn't really tired, more of a hungover state, and a lot going through my mind as always. i was in a new place and my mind tries to take in everything it can, i'm like a puppy, way too excited...it didn't help matters that to start off the sleeping extravaganza i had one key and three doors to choose from, i got it right the first time thankfully. i woke up when Betty came rushing into her room a little after 10 to get ready for work, i would have left, but she told me to go back to sleep...i loved the dichotomy of our two characters, she probably went to sleep as late if not later than i, and here she is all bright and bubbly, and me, well, you all know how mornings treat me...

i think i go back to sleep, but who knows, i could have just laid there for the next two hours until i decided it was time to go. i hit up the post office on my way back to town, hoping there is another card with money in it from my paternal g'parents..no such luck, i'm happy with the first card though.

my next, and last stop in btown is my storage unit...normally i'll bring something down with me to put in, and i'll usually take something out as well...it's a nice even exchange, but this time i arrive empty handed...i will always make a stop if i am in town though...i never know what i may need and i never know whats in there...i don't like to spend a lot of time in the storage unit, in all actuality i don't even like going to my storage unit..i see it as a place where i threw my life when my life ended years ago...like so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions, i've bunched up my stuff and thrown it into a place not readily available to myself or those around me. digging through my cluster just reminds me of times long ago, i see items i had long forgotten all about. i remember the first time i took buttercup to my storage unit, she was in awe of all that i had, i recall her saying, "jason, if we ever get a place, we are all set, you already have everything we need to live, i thought you were joking" - the only joke here is that it's all in storage, everything.

i had the day off and i was in reality buying time, or killing time rather, both of which you can really do neither...i figured if i kept myself occupied in the storage unit, one of the several other people i contacted the past couple days would surely have time for me now..

i was in that storage unit for the better part of five hours, doing what i am not sure...everything that i did should not have taken five hours, but alas, it really did. i had something in me, so i started organizing the place up..it looked to appear that anytime i dropped anything off, i did just that, just dropped it off somewhere in the heap..and if i needed something, or went looking for something, it was all torn apart. today was my day to put it back together.

when i left CP near the end of '06 i put on my To-Do list to combine both storage units, the one in NWI and the one in Btown. At CP in '07 i knew that is was definitely a possibility given the knowledge of time and money from the previous year...but unlike at the end of '06, i did not take any break what-so-ever in '07...in fact i had three jobs in almost three states, with no days off..what a fool i was...

so here i sit, in my storage unit, rummaging through discarded memories held onto only to give myself some sort of past dimension, a dent in life so to speak, so as if when i die, i'll be remembered because of the stuff i have..not so much. we try to quantify things, give them a sense of purpose or meaning..could i live without the stuff in my storage, yeah, i'm doing it right now...it doesn't have much of an effect on me, and as i said before, i'm not even sure what is in there...and think, i have two of these units scattered across Indiana...now granted my other one is much smaller, but it is packed to the brim...it is also the cheaper one..but i wouldn't mind having an extra 30 bucks a month tell you what...

i really should combine the two..honestly...i just made all this room..well i guess that's why it's on the To-Do list, things i wish i would do, just never actually do because something stupid comes along

by the end i had two bags of trash and one paper bag to take with me filled with shit i just wanted to sort through....i found some of my old notebooks, or journals, with random tidbits here and there that made me giggle...i wanted to take them with me so i could sit and review some of the shit i wrote years ago and reflect, and probably wanna punch something..also something to note, in all those books i found at least one page where someone, a girl, and most recently the ex, had dedicated a sheet to tell me how great of a person i was or whatever..if only i could freeze frame that and see what i did then versus now...i'd probably be a better person...

after finding three notes and one card i yelled in my spacious box, "who the fuck am i? who the fuck was i..what the fuck?!" where did this person go..i heard all the time in '07 how my servers wanted the '06 jangus..how could a year had that much of an impact on me..did Hawai'i ruin me in some sort of way..i thought i was still the same person, i mean it felt like it, i still wore the same clothes, liked the same food, listened to the same music, even had the same ID...how the fuck did i change..

i remember asking people that all the time last year...the same people who wrote me those notes in '06 were the ones that were not fans of me in '07..what was so different....god i hated '07, i tried making everyone happy, and ended up pleasing nobody at all, and in the end, i was unhappy because nobody was happy. i even told buttercup to not get involved with me, forewarning her i was not capable of a relationship...

isn't it funny how we as people feel the need to protect others from ourselves...how many times has a girl used that line on me...how many times have i used that line on them....sure we may know ourselves at our worst to the fullest being the hardest self-critic and all, but who are we to stop someone from living their life? who the fuck are we to say, 'sorry no, i'll hurt you and i don't want that' you know what...that's fucking selfish...and you know what, you'll never get over that inability to 'hurt' someone else...and then you'll be hurting more than just yourself, you'll be hurting everyone.

after everyone made their excuses i jumped off the ledge pulling on the weathered yellow rope to assist down the large garage door to my storage unit. the door crashes to the ground making a loud noise and kicking up a bit of dust and dirt into the air. i slide the latch into place and maneuver the lock around to get it to stay. as the metal on the lock clicks i'm not only locking up my stuff, but i'm locking up memories - good times, bad times, times when btown and the people in it were something worthwhile...well, something to make me stay for two years..and something that makes me keep coming back....maybe it is just the memories.

"never is forever....forever, well that has limits"

My Day in Btown

And here I go again on my own
like a drifter i was born to walk alone

the day started as haphazardly as any day off would...me sleeping in, not wanting to get up..i don't think i even got up for the first two hours, i don't know how i didn't piss myself. i find myself at the computer, it's just a natural thing for me to do now-a-days; i wake up, move the mouse trackpad around with my finger, then depending on what i see, i'll sit up and bring the lappy on over.

i converse via aim to several friends of mine (some like to tease me though, lol) all the while i sit and think, what am i gonna do..i should have gone to Ohio, anything is a means to nothing. i don't feel like getting up and doing anything yet, it's all i wanna do...my phone starts ringing, it's from work, i know i don't wanna do that, so i just let it ring, today's my day off, and my daughter's wedding day...it's somewhere after two thirty, i've still yet to remove myself from the blankets when i get a text from Betty, she's asking about meeting up after 3..

i remember sending texts last night, trying to instill ideas of action into people's heads..one out of how many are my kind of odds....doesn't matter how many lame responses you don't receive, it's the one that comes back that counts. in her defense it wasn't that i didn't think she'd come through, i didn't think plans would come through, so i was a little surprised when i see her asking about meeting in less than an hour. problem, btown is an hour away, and i'm still a woken up mess, definitely in need of a good shower and comb over, or something...so i make plans, just pushing back the time a little and i'm on my way.

we meet and decide to catch a bite with drinks at a local hot spot, and just are luck, it's half off Wednesday...Betty is contemplating drinks and tells me she may just go easy and get beer..not for me, not tonight i order my double tangueray and tonic, short...she then orders a double jack and coke, tall, responding that she liked my style.

we sit, we drink, we eat, we drink, we talk, we drink...we talk about a lot, i enjoy my time with Betty, she's smart, can follow my stories, even my rapid speech - she's a happy girl, i've never known her to really be upset about anything, maybe we're not that close - i mean i'm sure she's had her tragic life experiences, who hasn't, but she shows no chips what-so-ever. in a round-about way i tell her how i'm drawn to her for some reason or another. i know we are just friends, i know she has a boyfriend, but i tell her there's something about her that says 'good person' that i like. i even go over the things i wouldn't normally like, making mention of random things only i could, and i could get away with. we both giggle at the mention of everything i just said, she knows she's a force to be reckoned with, either you roll with her or you stay at home...if you're lucky enough to get you hook into her, maybe you aren't so lucky, she'll just tire you out before you know it...maybe that's what i need?

i know Betty reads the blog, i know she'll read this, but that was another thing that was so alluring for me..anyone who can take the time out of their lives to use this as a device for reflection, or for laughter, or whatever - i have time for that. i forget at times when talking to people i know and start to tell stories with players referenced in my blog, i know in my head the person i am talking to knows of these people, i just forget to change their names to the fake names, or make the proper reference..

Betty eyes the nachos intensely as she sips from her straw, and strategically removes a chip from the mound of cheese and chicken; and then, it happens. i didn't want to talk about the ex, i rehearsed it going into this conversation how i would skate around it, but there's no point avoiding it anymore..prior to this moment i had been working on brushing by the topic to the point i wanted to just blurt it all out, but i had no lead in, so i sat and discussed other topics, until now.

i talk, she offers her insight and i just keep telling myself using her as a bounceboard, just how pointless the relationship was. whether this is me being sincere, me using that defense to feel better, whatever the case, i believe it because it's all i can at this point. i won't go into details right now, but that was my theme for the day - "it's stupid that i'm upset about the breakup, and what i hate is that i can't deal with it"

Betty's parents join us on a completely act of randomness, and soon Betty's boyfriend would join too. it starts to rain, so we became one of those tables who rushes inside to seek shelter and find a new table. once inside i realize i know one of the bartenders and ask our server to have her stop by..it's been ages since i've seen her, maybe a time a comedy caravan within the past year, but prior to that, who knows, last time i lived in btown?

now here's the point that's absolutely absurd, and i wish i could say i was making this up on part of being a horrible writer, but i digress, i cannot...our waitress was of Asian decent, and as more alcohol got into me, the more of an idiot i became..i asked the waitress what her major was, her response in stereotypical Asian fashion, mathematics and astronomy....and i'm right on the ball asking if she intended on joining NASA, all the while my thoughts are now into TJ's blog and how he has people from NASA checking in on him..well, she was thinking about NASA, but it's a really selective program so she said something else we couldn't understand...but it gets better..so later i ask my friend bartender what our waitresses names was, because, well, she never gave it and she had been serving us for a couple hours now..i kid you not, Saki Honda...i didn't believe it when i first heard it either - i thought it was some sort of nickname or joke name..no, when i called it aloud, our waitress responded..

The parents and boyfriend stayed for about two rounds and a pizza, and when the bill came Betty and I quickly grabbed it off the table..somehow we managed to acquire a bill of ninety dollars, on half off Wednesday..i was a little in shock, to which Betty replied with, we drank a lot jangus...

after the bill was paid everyone departed, but i stayed to talk with my bartender...i stayed long enough to get stamped so i could come back later..my next stop was visiting hippolover - it was her boyfriend's birthday, they were all celebrating down on one of the lanes of bowl, right off 17th..it was a good time, though i didn't bowl, the lover of hippos and i just talked about things - i went into 'how it's really just so stupid for me to be feeling hurt' lines i used earlier, maybe they were perfected by now because she agreed completely.

Hippolover reads the blog and has been a positive encouraging source for writing and the breakup...you know what would be fucked up, if these people really just invited me to hang out with them so i would write about them, so they could see their made up name...now that's funny, but hardly anywhere near the truth....maybe when i get thousands of hits a day that'll be the case.

bowling ends and i find myself back at Sports, this time its packed..the college hooligans have filled it up, what with their scantily clad outfits, douchebag guys, drinking spilling asses....i remember why i don't go out to bars anymore..and alone, what the fuck was i thinking..(i remember now why they said you had to be drunk before you went to Louie's) this is not my element and it's apparent to the patrons around...to the point where one drunk chick calls me out.

i eventually find my bartender..i came in just because i said i was going to, we chat quickly, she's not too busy, there are too many bartenders in her section..i ask for a lemonade, she gives me a pineapple juice..we end our conversation and i leave some money for my free drink as a tip before turning away..just as i take my second step i am stopped in my tracks by the deafening ringing of a bell, i look over my shoulder back in the direction i came, it's my bartender and she's mouthing the words 'thank you'. i blink as i nod my head and disappear into the crowd.

"cheer up, you look sad"

Everybody Loves a..Birthday

Everyday's a special day...
but today, oh today..

you could have guessed this, and i'm sure you did, but we didn't wake up til after 3pm today..what a great way to start to the day..in our defense the drive to and from KB's took a heavy toll on us...i know i didn't drive any part of it, but as a good person i didn't fall asleep...i know how it sucks to be driving, late at night, just wanting to get home, and the person you are riding with someone smuggled aboard a pillow and blanket...way to be a co-pilot..this is not first class bitches...

anyways, it's time for bre...lun...food, so we head around the corner to Subway. i had just received an email informing me about a new chicken sub..and of course i got to try it...and as luck may have it, the infamous angry Subway worker is working today, nice. so of course i pull out all the charm the jangus can dish out and i'm actually able to maintain a conversation with this worker, she even smiled...hell, she even said goodbye..i'll take that as a victory..TJ just cheered me on telling me i was sooo money...

back at his crib we dined on our footlongs (god that sounds gay) and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall...the movie makes me crack up every time i watch it, and i thought it was pretty good timing given my situation and all. I just need to put my P in a Va-Gee, or B my L all over some chicks T's...and have Mila Kunis fall in love with me....i suppose Patty will suffice..

after the movie, we still have time to kill before the Bday girl gets off work...so what do we do...go to the movie theater to watch another movie...at least we got out of the house this time..I won the coin toss so we watched my movie, American Carol, the Right-sided spoof on micheal moore...i don't know what was funnier, the movie or the yahoos behind us laughing their asses off about everything...

i used my charm school looks to upgrade the value meal TJ and I were getting to include slushies...err, slurpies..err, squishies..er, freeze frames....whatever - cherry iced goodness..i guess i have a thing with girls names Amber..

after the movie i have a missed call and a voicemail from my work...awesome, i can guarantee i already know what it says, but i listen anyways...it was my soapy boobied manager confused as to why neither myself, nor Pat was working..awesome. see yesterday, while in MI i made a call to a co-worker, one who i knew was willing to pick up shifts this week, and pretty sure thursday was one of the days he wanted. So i call, we talk, he says he would love to pick up my shift, and asks me the in time - i've never had the fortune of being scheduled anything other than 4 in my life - well, he tells me if it were at 530 it wouldn't be a problem, he's got some appointment or something, but again would love to have the shift..i want you to take note of how adamant he is about this shift. i tell him i'll give work a call, and it should not be a problem to get that switched over..and i do just that, soapy boobies allows for the exchange and the change up of in times, goes so far as to even out Pat on the floor plan she is making up in place of my name..nice

so i give Pat a call back, one ring, voicemail - i think i just got the fuck you button - so i leave a voicemail, telling him everything is a go, he's on the schedule at 530 and should there be any complications with it to give me a call before noon Thursday, allowing me enough time to get my happy ass back to Indy and work, and giving him a good 14 hours to give me a call back...

well, as it turns out, he doesn't get the voicemail, doesn't remember our conversation, nothing..i love the people i work with...so i talk to my manager, try to clear things up - she is one person who is a front-runner for me, only because i do as i am told and what is expected out of me, once you get on her bad side, watch out..i do my best to do it right or fix it fast...luckily for me she wasn't screwed over, and the night went off without a hitch...she tells me she is off for the next five days so my fate is in someone else's hands...greaaaaat...

a quick stop at Wal-Mart allows TJ to buy his friend a card, and for me to buy her a gift...a random gift at that..a mini-slinky..wrapped in the bag it came in. we trek on down to her place to pick her up - and even though we just down medium slurpies and a giant tub-o-popcorn, we are heading out to eat..

Dinner was..a tragic enjoyment...the waitress was absolutely horrible...i had little problem with leaving her 18 percent, i say little because i know just like every dog has their day, ever server has their fucked days..i was hoping this was her's and not her normal thing...god willing. i will note i had a double tangueray and tonic short, something i used to order and drink like it was water - my gin intake over this summer was greatly sub-par as i was still continuing with my winter drink of maker's Manhattan's well after spring..but as the chilled liquid goodness hit my lips all my painful thoughts are paralyzed.

as i said, the dinner itself was a good time..i truly hope Cindi enjoyed her birthday as i was not going to let any mediocre chicken Caesar salad get in the way of a birthday...she giggled, seemed to enjoy herself, but more times than not i'll hear about it the next day from my friend saying what an ass i was...i tried, i was my joyful self and well, that's all i can offer...

from the bee's of apple it was time to hit up a bar - not being from this neck of the woods is a nice thing for me, i get to sit out on decision making for a change. we pull up to some random place they argee on and as we park the car, a group of guys come out of the bar doors, notice a dead bird on the ground, continue to pick it up, hold it in the air, before they launch it into the stores windows in front of them..wow...

we go inside and belly up to the bar, order our round of drinks..i coax Cindi into taking a shot..something she does not like to do...so they make an easy shot, which she sips, but does finish off...for some reason the pool tables to my back are calling to me..so off to the side, in their own little room, all lit up..i don't play pool anymore, but it's something to do as Cindi starts to make comments that nobody is talking...

we play two games, Cindi wins both...she tries to tell me i threw the games..i'm one of the most competitive people out there..and to lose to a girl..are you kidding me? but i know she reads this so i'll leave it at that...

maybe i am changing..

after that we call it a night, drop Cindi back off at her place, and go 'home' - i call it home, i have a mother there that loves me too. i may have drank a lot tonight, for not drinking in the past..who knows, but i feel no effects of it, TJ doesn't need to take my phone away from me even though i start to text people, the ex specifically don't ask me why i did, but it just scored her marks anyways...she responded, then without notice left...coooool..time for bed.

"You come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding"

Miles for Michigan

I know my calculus...
but fuck numbers....

Here's a ratio for you..if the time spent traveling round trip, like flying, driving, etc..is more than the total time spent at the destination..the trip is probably not worth it...now granted there are a plethora of variables that can get mixed in...like how cool the destination is, what it is you are actually doing there, who you are seeing, if you get a blow job, things of that nature all make weight, but then i ask you still...did you really need to go the distance..

those were the questions TJ and I repeatedly asked ourselves today....our supposed 3 and a half hour trip to Detroit clocked well over the five hour mark, making things very uncomfortable for the animals in the car.

i hate being a passenger, i hate not having control, i sit there and think in my head all the things i would be doing differently, but i keep my mouth closed, nobody likes a backseat driver, especially one that's in the passengers seat...we were going through downtown Detroit..into rush hour and through construction...as a Chicago native i'm all too familiar with these situations..i love driving into Chicago, i just hate the traffic, but i'm used to it..like i just flip a switch, turn off Indiana driving and go into city mode..i'm usually in the batmobile so i have those cool gadgets and such...i pull the seat upright and forward, both hands on the wheel, and i'm ready to attack...nobody gets in front of me, and i'm always making my way into the progressive lanes...in the city you either play defense or you take it like a bitch...i will not do the other...

don't get me wrong, every once in awhile i'll get into a traffic jam and for some reason i'll just go off..maybe it's 90 out and my A/C is not working, i'm in a hurry, and the person next to me is nagging me...i'll blow a fuse then, but other than that, i know i'm going into a city, soon as i reach the townships limits, i'm golden....that was not the case with the driver today

everything that could have gone wrong almost did..detours, stopped traffic, rain, and minute after minute ticked away...it didn't help that the person we were seeing was not offering us the best set of directions, nor did she warn us about the construction..she just assumed we knew everything...granted it is TJ and I, but still

my favorite part was when i was on the phone with the friend in question and she told us to meet her downtown..just park somewhere, she couldn't explain downtown, but we'll know when we get there, and we can park everywhere....i remember both TJ and I then going off into a playful rant how downtown must be this huge parking lot with people running around with banners creaming at the top of their lungs, "WELCOME TO DOWNTOWN!"....it was the only lighthearted thing we could say as to not blow up...

we eventually come upon downtown, she could have just said downtown is like a kitschy old fashioned downtown that you may be used to..but it's an adventure, or some crap..we travel through downtown, turn around and park on the side of the street...lucky for us, the meter we parked at still had 30 minutes of time left on it, which was just enough to bring us to 6 o'clock, meaning free..the only thing that went right that day.

the girl finds us, somehow, i mean downtown is just one big parking lot, we could have been anywhere, but she locates us and we begin to walk...now i have a thing for local fare, meaning i don't like going to a new place and eating at some chain restaurant..i wanna eat what the locals eat...on the way through downtown the first time i noticed a little cute diner, and now that we were walking i could see it up in the distance...i wanted to eat there...Red Knapps...a Wanna-be Johnny Rockets fo' sho'..

once inside my thoughts were confirmed, it was one of those old fashioned diners, i have time for this. i order an egg salad sandwich (exactly what i got at JR when i worked there), KB got a grilled cheese, and TJ..a chili dog...the best one ever...or not. or waitress was nice, but old enough to be my daughter...but you know, when i'm in company of assholes they'll razz me about my younger taste in woman, KB went so far as to confirm the age of the girl approaching her away from the table in the way to the restroom...KB returns with a look of shock on her face, i know i'm right, this girl couldn't be legal if she tried, we just left it at that...i'll wait a couple years...

ughh, anyways, we finish up there and start walking through downtown, it's dark so it must be eight (LOL),we walk by the martial arts studio, then KB takes us down this pathway into a forest with a creek and..well, it was probably the scariest thing ever..no lights, i couldn't see, i thought for sure KB was going to invoke her revenge on to me and have me raped and murdered...why do i cross people and keep them in my phone book...

we all agree this is a crap idea, and decide to go back to her place..in reality TJ and I just want to rest, maybe sleep, but just relax...that car ride was taxing on us enough, we didn't want to walk, and taking 'pretty pictures' was out of the question.

so it was back to KB's where we saw her true colors..she kicked her sick sister out of the downstairs lounge area so we could watch a movie all the while having an argument with the sick sister...apparently there was a conversation between the two about getting food..KB returns 3 hours later with no food..thinking the sister would have said, wow it's been three hours, i'll get my own...whatever, i hid in the bathroom as the yell fest went on...whoops...

we watch some movie that terrifies me about anal rape for the rest of the evening..KB's roommate comes home as the movies finishes up, we have a good time talking and such, but KB wants to call it a night...it's somewhere around 1030 now...TJ and I will both be up for several more hours, easily..for whatever reason we decide to drive back home...

probably not the best idea...like fools we leave, and we try to see if I-70 is really torn up and we do not need the detour like all the signs suggest...we tried and failed..circled Detroit for awhile, then we followed the signs...it sucked...i was actually tired by 1, but we hadn't even hit the ohio boarder yet, or maybe we had, it just seemed like the night went on forever..

we eventually make it home, i passed out instantaneously..thank god i gave up my shift for tomorrow...

"I'm just going to shut up, because everytime i say something that you don't understand it pisses me off..and that's just not right"