So What's It All Worth....
please kick me harder, maybe I'll eventually learn....

A question I find myself asking more and more, something along the same lines of Tupac's, "Come on come on I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself, is life worth living should I blast myself?" though the rhyme scheme is pretty poor, still the message gets across. But as I was saying, my train of thought....it's funny how last night things started to look up, not really look up, but I was devising plans, buying more time, actually giving a damn about my life here, the determination to live, to continue, to succeed in some way was greater than it has been these past four months...what sparked all this, ehh who knows who cares, I know the answer but it really doesn't matter...but just as quick as this all was happening, the tide changed for the worse, well, where it was before.

just as quick as a disappointing phone call is hung up, I came out of my comatose like state of "everything is going to be fine", out of the hypnotic trance I put myself in, waking up to where I left off, and asking myself, what the hell were you thinking, don't even trouble yourself, stay where you are and drown...I know, harsh words, but they are from me, and well I always have had a way of saying bad/wrong things.

So is it some sort of irony that the one shining star that pulls you up is also the one to drag you down? or is this just once again part of the paradox in which I live..

**oh oh oh side story....I've been speaking of this paradoxal life I live a lot lately, well I go to Strack N Van Til and as I come back to my car I noticed I parked next to a car that had "paradoxal" wrote on the back window..how funny, and ironic, once again my life.....*****

but yeah, I've said it before, hate has to have some form of love and love has to have some form of hate to it....those who love and say they can't hate is totally untrue, one must have both positives and negatives, a heaven and a hell, love and hate, black and white, sweet and sour, so forth....and they say the farther you move on the extreme, the closer you are to the opposite side..like in politics, the extreme lefts are very similar to that of the extreme rights...so is it to have a perfect harmony one must contain the very thing from which it is not trying to be? it's not really a chaos theory, but it mixed enough to go along with some of the ideas.

so I guess when you say things you don't mean, in a way you did mean them, or maybe you just forgot what you meant by it, or you can only say it when you the opposite of what it was...whoa, too rambled.....

anyways, so I hope this can explain some things...like when you run from someone, you may be running away, yet you're still running to them in some fashion...why does it have to suck so much, why do I have to be like this, why..why...

Song Playing in my Head: Always Suffering - Rolling Stones