For Lack of a Better Title..

the

things

i do..but shouldn't

I was at work..bored..and left to myself...the internet would only let me go to so many websites, and I had read every news article about people beating one another up for discounted deals moments after stuffing their faces full of turkey.  I went through emails..don't know why or how I landed on hers, but I did...I started at the beginning and read every one of those words, stinging like burning coal to my heart...

I looked at the pictures, and read more.  I wish I could be hooked up to machines and have doctors monitor my heart, the beats, my brainwaves, as I read your words.  And it's just your words..I skimmed over others' before I got to yours - probably because I knew the weight of all that has been said, and all that was done...probably because, when it comes down to it, I actually loved you.

I can sit here and wonder if you still think about me, like i think about you, now...and as much as I wish you did, even once a blue moon, I know the dark side to that eclipse.  So i just re-read the words that once were true, the words I need to hear so dearly through.  And even though I know my fate, there's no denying my heart will break.  I want to stop before that point where things went wrong, and stay there standing all life long.  I keep reading the words that end this note, sometimes wishing it was all you ever wrote.

"If you take anything away from this email.. just know I think about you often and believe it or not, I miss you at times"

The Last of the US Posts

all..

coming...

to a close...

It's been a hectic last couple weeks...days...hours even; but time is one thing I learned that you cannot stop...and as time keeps ticking forward, I find my fingers feverishly racing on the keyboard..trying to keep up with the movement of the spinning hands.

The entirety of the situation started to hit me a few days ago...i started to notice my movements slowing down, everything was slowing down..I wasn't in a hurry, my motions, my body, even my beating heart all started to slow down as afflicted by a tranquil drink.

the world moved fast, or as fast as it normally does, it was me that was different I suppose. I can't be expected to act like it's not, but it's hard to uphold that image when you're asked be every contact you meet.

Maybe that's why I said I was ok, because I didn't want to face the facts..and the sooner I accepted my fate, the longer I would have til it happened..more time for worry, more time for stress, more time for pain...and nobody needs that.

These hours waiting in the airport, these uncomfortable seats jarring the reality into your back, giving you nothing but time to think about the pain, of it all.

I haven't posted enough in 2013, though, I should have.

"insert obligatory leaving quote/music lyrics here"

OK, Cool Dude, Thanks

the out,

of all outs

ever in a jam, just recite that phrase

It was March 31st in the turning millennium 2000, the infamous Pity Party was walking through the mean streets of downtown Chicago, just leaving the Art Museum, a staple for Chicago Tourists, we were approached by a pan-handler, as many there are in DTC.

We all did our part in dis-acknowledging the man, except one member...he mistakingly took the pamphlet and tried to carry on about his way.  You see, that's how they get you, force something into your hand, then expect a hand-me-out in return.  We were all the wiser and less sensitive by not sticking our hands out and grabbing the tri-fold paper for a dollar.

So as we tried to walk away, more importantly, as Hines tried to walk away, the 'homeless' man was in pursuit, trying to get something in return for a worthless sheet of paper.  As we walked the man kept talking, pestering...yet Hines was oblivious to this; and kept saying, "ok, cool dude, thanks" trying to blow him off....little did he know he broke the cardinal rule and took that paper, thinking it was free.

This went on for a few minutes, along the stretch of sidewalk, before the man started to get irate, his voice loudening to a point that all made us feel very uncomfortable.  Finally, I had enough of the situation, ripped that stupid piece of propagandist paper from Hines hands and returned it to the angry fellow, calling out to 'now go' to my vacuous comrades...and we did, all the way to the vehicles.

We mocked Hines for the longest time about his innocent, obliviousness to the situation, often calling out his now trademarked catch phrase "cool dude, thanks" at random times....but, over time we come to realize just how brilliant of a phrase that really was.

It's really a universal sentence, able to be utilized in various scenarios.  Whether oblivious, unwanted, or simple apathetic disdain, that phrase can be a life saver.

I think I've adopted the more asshole version of the phrase, of course.  When someone has pissed me off with their horrible lack of logic or understanding and keep pressing an issue, that phrase it uttered in such a sarcastic, disparaging tone...most of the time repeated during any pause of the logicless assailant's discourse.

Sure, it usually pisses that person off, but, you're not saying anything harmful..in fact, you're being polite (what with the thanks and all)..you're agreeing (ok)...it's the most innocent rebuttal possible, and most of the time the conversation ends there...victory being yours of course.

I forgot just how powerful the phrase was until I had to use it yesterday...may have lost an acquaintance in the process, but, it's whatever.

"its like he's a broken record"

Battle Royal

so much going on, i'm like, shutting down

Political Battle

Pocket veto..
over-correcting..

looks like this is a done deal

Oh the pocket veto; my favorite and most despised social tactic.  I am quite certain I've blogged about the pocket veto in past, and as much as I do not want to reiterate, it still stings every time it happens...enough to make me mention it.

And the other step, the over-correcting/over-compensating, that's a nice touch too.  When in doubt, sell it to everyone around you, right?  Hey, can't necessarily blame you for it though...

...i just wish things were different

But that's always the case...a wise poet once said you can't always get what you want..and its true, you can't always, but once in a blue moon would be nice too.

Given the circumstances it doesn't come as a surprise, heck, if something actually were to go my way I would be more confused.  And it's not that I am upset with the individual, more upset with the circumstances...actually, more upset with what i was becoming.

hopeless romantic.

I shudder to think of something like that returning...after all we've been through, after I thought it was killed off in the 6th sequel.  This isn't a Nightmare on Elm St movie...that monster can't keep coming back to life and haunting my reality.

On the plus side though, it did get me to write again, naturally - about the only good that can ever come from these situations.

Another battle, another loss..i'll just lay here a moment.















"no..it can't be....but...we killed that years ago?!"

Nothing

even

matters

 to you

I'm probably one of the coldest, heartless, meanest assholes you'll ever meet; but then again, I'm not.  Sure I'm an ass 90% of the time (and I'm serious 5% of the time) but there's still that other 10% that makes me up that surely does feel like 90%,  most of the time.

As easily as I can toss people aside from my life, tell them to "fuck off and die", tell them goodbye forever, I just as easily can't forget most.  In fact, to anyone I've ever said those previous words to, odds are, I still remember and think about them...for they have made their impact on me, in some shape or form.

And yet to others, I feel as if they really do mean it when they say their goodbyes.  That the idea of me was just a lightswitch, and once it gets flicked to 'off' it, like the memories of me, vanish into nothingness.

I guess I don't know why I still hold onto memories, why I still care - maybe there is some underlying reason, maybe I never wanted to stop, but does that make me weak for caring, for not being able to want to forget?

Dante had his Beatrice, who says I can't too...

Through this thick facade I put up, this Great Wall of Repression, holds back a lot of feelings and emotions.  I was talking about needing to watch a sappy movie in order to get myself to cry so I could flush my eye out with whatever flew into it, and a friend replied, "The Jangus cries?"

Its true, more for some, most from....

I just will never understand, and here i write and erase a thousand times over, almost begrudgingly wanting to leave those five words...how can people do this to other people...there was no bad blood, no bad break, no resentment, no ill-will, it was understood...so why do we have to act like strangers now?  You can't tell me its for the better, you may lie to yourself, but don't lie to me..

I've already written this post, and I feel like I'll just repeat myself...

I guess I have nothing more to say

"J-Hey 

N-Who is this?"

There's Two Type of People...

Those who pee in the shower..

..and liars

Seriously, let someone tell you otherwise...

Don't worry, this post is about the title, not anything subbed.    I've been noticing a lot of "there's two types of people" posts in relation to comments on the internet and it got me thinking in conjunction with current events.

There really are two types of people that you'll call when you are drunk; people you want to hook up with, and exes - then again, I just repeated myself.  

I'm having a serious lapse in memory, but I cannot recall a drunk dial to someone I either did not have relations with, or wanted to have relations with...maybe a prank dial, but even then, I'd have to really consult with some people asI don't think it ever happened.

Which makes me think about those who have ever drunk dialed me.  Of course once the tables are turned its hard for me to imagine the rules still applying the same.  Am I an ex, or could I be their desire?  Of course this questioning comes because I cannot remove my brain and think like a woman.

But maybe it is the same, let's just play with that notion for a moment.  So when I receive a drunk dial from a girl, with whom I've never dated, we will have to side on me being her (or one of her) desires...as drunken words are sober thoughts, I think the same would apply to phone calls here.  And when the conversation goes into the dialer questioning as to why they called, is it a sense of realization, that they are displaying - more profound only to themselves?  Could it be a sense of guilt, or regret, when those words are spoken, as now the truth has sloppily poked it's head from hiding for all to view.

So, do we just continue on as if nothing ever happened, or as if everything I just presented isn't true...that it doesn't mean anything, and once again (no matter how many people agree with me) I'm over analyzing things...

I guess all the facts in the world can't change anything - you're not going to change anyone's minds...guess there really two kinds of people in this world..

those who ignore the facts, and those who can't

"Everybody knows you love me baby, everybody knows you you really do"

My Book

one of many..

..that has been writing itself

If I wrote a book about the woman in my life it would go something like this:

*coughcough*

Women of My Life, by Jason Angus

Chapter One

Bitches.

The End.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up..of course there would have to be a footnote, or preface that said this doesn't apply to so and so, or whomever..butt hurt people....

Regardless, it's the one thing that gets me to write I guess....

"bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks..."

Too Many Titles

life imitating art..
or art imitating life

either way, i was right

Everything happens for a reason - whether you believe this statement or not, it's just an idea, and nothing more...it's a belief system made up to add value to our lives, to add significance in the daily mundane..it's something

it's something.









"wanna hear something ironic? I am stressing out because I can't find my worry doll"

Expectations

not great..

the french version..

the one where it means everything sucks

I wrote a blog in my head last night...i was in such a mood I don't know what stopped my fingers from finding the keys.  Oh wait, probably school - though i didn't want to go -or maybe it was the packing i needed to do - lord only knows how i found the strength to do those things...and all without a nap or so much as a break in my entire day; which i would soon realize around 1130pm as a drugged feeling started to overcome my body and mind.

But regardless, i'm here now...where you ask..sitting in an airport...in indiana..because several of my plans, failed.   Yes, I over planned...I had 3 different scenarios to get me where i needed to go, and they all backfired.  Which makes me wonder, sitting here in an airport terminal for hours upon hours, leaching off the electricity or wifi, what makes it that I keep coming back...why do i return, if it's always a let down like this.

i'm stupid.  I expect things to get better, for people to learn, or mature, or grow, or something.  I expect not to be as let down in the past...i don't let the actions of the past dictate how i live my present...and maybe i'm wrong for that.

This ties into the feelings from yesterday, being taken advantage of and being let down.  You know, people wonder why I'm such a dick, an asshole, so mean, etc...it's because the times I do open up, lend the suit off my back, offer a helping hand to a friend - i'm left vulnerable, the suit gets torn to shreds, the hand gets slapped away..

that's just the way it is..

"things will never ever change"

Playing the Game

played..

by a player..

don't get mad at the player...

be mad at the game they say...always having their out, always going back to that as if it's some sort of justification for their lifestyle, their actions, their livelihoods.  But where does it end, for anyone..not just them, but those who 'love' them..all spiraling down, sucked into a nether region of shit....

Getting into the head of a player playing the game is an interesting concept..to see things through a woman's eyes is something I don't do well with...women are too unstable of creatures to even begin what a normal "woman" would do..then you want me to try and figure out what somer psychotic chick would do, or the reasoning for is?

I've been told before I should try and blog form a woman's perspective..I'd never be able to..woman are so fickle, so stupid, so..all-over the place..I could never get inside a woman's head..I never could..that's why all my past relationships have failed...because woman have a few extra chromosomes and I couldn't handle that.

I know I like to over analyze things, but..woman, they take the cake..and cake is a lie, so what am I left to do?

I wish I could write into some Kanye song, but as much of an asshole I am in real life, I still am no where near the level that nigga has on insightful art. What do you know?

I'm just drunk right now but this Kid is making me want to try and free my mind at night...




"you gotta get.dat. dirt off shoulder.."

Well That's Interesting

yeah..
yeah...

you don't say anything

Ok, I got this..I can do this...put your fingers to the keys..now press...you can do it..just give it a go...goooood...feels good right? Now keep going..and never look back...

I have a four day weekend..all to myself..I haven't been alone in a long time..this is amazing..of course the first two days I spent being a bum - it didn't help matters that the it's been the hottest temperatures of the year..virtually making any activity (even going to the beach) impossible.

But I needed it..I needed to decompress, to re-center myself, to be one with myself...now I'm starting to sound all zen-like, far from it though.  I've been wanting to go to my happy place, I've been wanting to go off alone, be alone, yet not alone..I wanted to be with me.

I've been wanting to write for awhile (you're heard this too many times I almost didn't want to write it), and actually have some half-posts up somewhere..I just haven't been able to, for various reasons...but, that's then, here I am now...

Another little thing that has gotten my fingers going - besides everything going on in my head and around me - others have been writing, or talking about writing, or I've been surrounded by writers...I don't know, but it's enough motivation to get my ass in gear....that and I don't want to set a new all-time low with the amount of posts in one year..

Plus I tend to get a little stir crazy when I just sit at home..troll on the internet (my favorite pastime), and do other crazy things...example:

I love success stories, especially from my Facebook friends. It's so good to see them lose so much weight....with my help of course. You see, what I do is, start with their most recent picture, and click alllllll the way through to their oldest picture..it puts a smile on my face

So here I am, back in the

***UNFINSIHSED***

Stupid Statements

the what

and the fuck

"I have a boyfriend", she interrupts with. 

"I have a bicycle" I quickly retort with, thinking we were naming off things that really didn't matter at the moment.   She looks at me in shock at my response, shocked at my total disregard of her situation, shocked I didn't crumble to her pity.  Her initial disgust is qualmed by her realization through my words, and she giggles.  We pick up right where we left off, with more intensity now that we had let the animals out.

What self-justification is warranted with the stating of such inane quantifiers? In other words, why do people say such stupid things.  Nine times out of ten, the other person is aware of your situation, so restating known facts is like telling me your name again. (which, usually isn't such a bad thing come to think of it..I tend to hear a name, then associate it with something/someone else, so within those four seconds of you saying your name and me repeating it, I already have a new name for you…) 

All in all, it's a redirection of guilt being pushed from one party to the other.  The real person at fault cannot take full responsibility for the situation and tries to pawn off the blame outward.  A lot of times the trick works.  With both feeling like accomplices, the ruffled scene takes a curtain call.  Sometimes, in more dramatic fashion, the main perpetrator seeks a reassurance of character, using shame as bait on the reverse-psychological lure.

**uncompleted**

If You Could..

would you..

or would you change it?

If I could do it all over again, I would

Maybe a little bit differently..maybe take more advantage of certain situations, but generally speaking, yes is being my answer.  I randomly came across some post from early '05, and I didn't have to read through much to realize the life I coulda/shoulda/did have...

I may not have realized it then, but those were my golden years...sure I would stretch them out for more to come, evolving over time...becoming more cognizant of my surroundings..but those were then, and I came only (barely) remember what happened.  Yet, I loved it.

Everyone recants on the past better than it was..maybe this is the case as well..or maybe I was too naive to realize just what was going on.  They say hindsight is 20/20, hell Rod Stewart sang about it...

if only we could go back...good thing I wrote a little bit

"note to self...don't stop writing, only for you"

Discard

Hey..I know we haven't seen each other or even talked in a real long time..but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.  Not like a "I regret what happened" or even a "I want to see you again" sort of thing, just.."I miss you", then end.  

It's strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger..that sometimes I go entire days without even thinking of you even a little…Most of the time I let myself forget, because it's easier…But then I find something..an old letter, or picture you drew, slipped into a book I haven't read in ages..and the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me.  

But again, this isn't regret…we had reasons for ending it, and they're valid as ever…but back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything.  It all just happened.  

We didn't have common interests, or similar goals…sometimes we didn't get along that well…But we didn't need a reason to fall in love.  We just did.  The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has been all about reasons.  And that's good.  It means one day I might find someone I won't have to say goodbye to.  But a part of me misses just loving someone, and knowing they love me back, and that's all.  

I guess what I am saying is, I hope things are good with you.  I hope everything is great.  I hope you found a love that's all the things ours couldn't be.  And I hope I find that too.  But a small part of me, buried somewhere deep inside, hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons…and that you miss me, too.

"Do you want to save changes? *click* Don't save"

Gary's at it Again

This time..

it's retarded

Four years ago I lost my best friend to cancer...and as time would circle round again, I'm losing another friend because he is a cancer.

Maybe this time of the year is a bad time for me...like november, but not like november...november is more of a seasonal depression; this is more like bad luck kind of thing.  I messed up my ankle last year, which I'm still recovering from, and now I'm dealing with something else that's tearing.

My buddy Gary moved out to cali when I made my trip to get all my stuff out here.  It's been a dream of his to move to 'the promised land' - I've never quite been sure exactly what he expected would happen when he moved out here, somehow everything would just fall into his lap, life would work itself out, he'd become a rockstar...I only say these absurd things because, well, that's how he acted.

His first month and some change he did not have a job; however that did not halt his spending.  He treated his move out to the coast like a vacation.  Living it up, going out, spending money everywhere...except for where it mattered most, rent.  He bought wetsuits, body boards, this that and the other...it wasn't until I got back from SF in October that he finally had a job...though the first payment wouldn't come for another month later.

I realized he couldn't live his lavish lifestyle well before he ever did, and he probably still doesn't...so I made adjustments in what I did.  I didn't go out as much, wouldn't ask him to tag along, canceled a trip out to Vegas to see Lacey Chabert on her birthday..all because I wanted him to be responsible.

I was hoping this move would be a chance for him to put his big boy pants on, to grow the fuck up, if only just a little bit - heck, I'll be the first to say I don't want to grow up, yet, I can be a responsible adult as well.  I was wrong.

He didn't learn any lesson.  Even after a conversation I had with him in December about how he should alter his spending - though I wouldn't tell him how to live his life, I just wanted him to be more conscious of his actions.  I tried to stress the difference between 'wants' and 'needs'.  I stated facts, facts that would drive a normal person insane.  Example: though not being able to cover the full amount of rent, he would use his money to pay for private volleyball lessons. Or, to pay for tanning sessions...while living in Southern California...I cannot make this shit up..and the more I say/type it..the more I laugh, yet the angrier I get.

At that time I thought the problems were solved, that my words would be a beacon of light, inspiring...I'm a damn fool. Whether I wanted to believe anything I said made a difference or the fact I wanted it to make a difference so badly I turned an ignorant eye..it didn't matter.  Things still happened behind my back, without my knowledge, yet rent in full was never met.

At the beginning of the year I decided a new tactic, I would write on the dry erase board the dollar amount he owed.  At the time I want to say it was somewhere around $3700...and growing every month.  He was shocked to see the debt so high, and again, I thought my plan had worked..but...well, you know by now.

He still decides to make a trip back home that January - a trip that costs double the amount as one isn't working yet spending money one doesn't have...but after that things pick up, they start to get better..then, April comes.  His parents planned a trip out at the beginning of the month, and despite their insistance they he not take any time off that he wouldn't normally have, he takes the entire trip off.  Not two weeks later he takes four days off to go to a wedding in Vegas.

Call it coincidence, or random circumstance, but issues arise with management at the complex we are living in.  Basically, the guard staff have some vendetta against us, and only ticket those living in our unit for any random thing; yet others can do the same and get away with it.  Tensions rise and the owner of the unit feels so bad that she allows us to break the lease if we want to.  We're fed up and start looking for new places..somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, more inland, but cutting the costs almost in half.  Gary's onboard, in fact he takes time out during the week to go scout out a few places....this is all taking place this week in fact.

I'm thinking everything is going well, not looking forward to moving as I just finally got settled in, but hey, rent is going to be cheaper, and Gary will be able to not only pay that but pay back the debt..alright!

Then Friday, just days after looking at new places mind you, Gary comes home from work about the same time I do and has a smile on his face.  He says Restaurant O has hired him - I'm thinking, ok great, that was simple - but the following words don't make sense to me...everything after is a jumbled mess as I try to pick up the pieces of my now blown apart mind...the Restaurant O he mentioned, which I thought he was speaking about the one in SD, rather, was the one in Indy...and he's leaving in a fortnight.

So now with a $5100 debt to me, he's bouncing.  Not only that, but I'm going to have to figure out where to live, on my own now..and Cali isn't too conducive for single renters..so instead of half the rent I was paying, I will not be paying twice that amount..oh, and I better figure it out quickly as May is impacting in three days.

I can't go into the details any further as this causing enough eyebrows to raise, but that's the situation I'm in.  Stressed from work hounding me about shit I don't care about...stressed about getting my final projects finished for my classes...stressed from the douchebag guards and all the citations we are getting...stressed about my financial situation..as I'm $5100 owed from Gary..and all that has caused me to do is max out my CCs, deplete my savings, kill my credit score that i've worked so hard to get up since my bankruptcy..all because I was covering for some low-life who couldn't wake the fuck up.

I'm still in shock over the whole mess..it comes to me in waves...just how simple it was for him to turn his back on me..to jump at the first chance he could get..how he took advantage of the situation..how he used me...to get out here, and to stay out here for as long as he did..i don't think he will ever realize anything he's done wrong..i'm sure he'll say he's sorry...but i don't think he'll ever understand why.

I'm sorry that this post was so long..obviously is a lot longer than the time spent in Gary making a decision to leave.

"Selfish, ungrateful, incredulous, disrespectful, inconsiderate..."

Goodbyes Are Hard to Come, Bye

Where're you goin' so quickly?
you seemed to have left some things behind
I guess nothin' that important, really
you just forgot to say-y goodbye

i understand you gotta go now, baby
plans - you've got yours, and me mine
but as you leave, you've gotta be able, to see
that i'm standing on the side waiting on goodbye

i do this for love, not to impose
so if we meet again, that'd be fine
but at this time i know we musta close
just give me that goodbye

before you go and do what you gotta do
there's one thing i must ask of you
please don't run away and hide
just take a second to say a goodbye

you don't have to write
you don't even have to call
but don't leave me here
with nothing at all

i don't care if this means the end, i won't dwell
all i'm askin' for is give me that farewell.










"oh, but don't forget to close the door when you leave. And like my heart toss aside that extra key. cuz i'm stopping that used convenience in me"

Happy Anniversary

well,

of sorts...

alleged rape-aversary that is...

It was just one year ago that the unthinkable happened; an event so outrageous it would change the course of my life from that point forward.  Where I thought the actual events would lead to bigger and better things, another's fictitious events would take me down a harrowing road.

Of course I am talking about the alleged rape case.  "Oh, you can talk about it now?!" you may be finding yourself asking..truth is, I'm not sure.  With the one year anniversary being the 18th-19th of March, and my recent news from the Oceanside PD, I'd say I can..

I mean why not, the DNA results (finally) came back...and just what were those results...everything we already knew.  My DNA was not to be found on any, ANY of the evidence/items the liar accuser brought forth.

go figure.

I got these results only because I made phone calls after not hearing anything for months..annoying.

But, we are only half-way free I guess.  Yes, there was no DNA found, but the lab tests on the water bottle are still unknown...apparently it got sent out to a different lab, and who knows when they'll have their report.  But as the detective said, from the looks of everything, unless something absolutely crazy comes back from that water bottle, the case will be closed.

Of course I did inform the detective of the "sister" water bottle I have in my possession as well.  He said that was good to hold onto in the meantime.

So I celebrated today with what will be a tradition from last year forth - get a Shamrock shake at some point in the day..finish it off with Denny's...drink some arrowhead water..and not rape anyone.

I leave you with these two memes created awhile ago for me...

 

"..and maybe a song...."

I See You, Baby

shaking that ass...

shaking that ass, shaking that

Alright, now don't touch me...

It's amusing, really, how synched up we are.  I tend to distance myself from certain things, but, naturally, like moth to a flame, or, in this case a sailor to a Siren  I find my way back to you.

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, or would like, or should really; but it's a marvelous thing.  We both know how fickle my time with this blog is, and it's just a matter of time before I catch my second wind and start pounding on these keys to make something appear.  I want that to happen, and apparently, so do you.

I don't want to scare you away..it's ok, really.  I'm flattered...it's nice to know you're still keeping tabs on me.  Maybe it's to see if I've posted an "incriminating evidence" or gather things for the case file against me or whatever; but I'd like to think positively, I'd like to think it's because you miss me...and you know deep down somewhere inside of you, you know the truth....that your claims are all false...a mistake...some horrible nightmare created, but definitely not holding any bit of truth.

And to anyone else reading this and wondering or questioning...sure, this is a long shot as I'm sure there are plenty of those a that certain university...and maybe a select few that would know of this blog..but I'm fairly certain I can narrow it down to one person.

So, if my destructive reasoning is correct, let me put this out there.  Could you please contact me.  It's almost been a year now since...whatever...we saw each other...obviously you're looking, and you know that I can see that, so nothing has stopped you from doing so...soooo, just contact me, talk to me.  As messed up as the situation is, I still, for whatever reason, care about you and your well being.  Maybe you're too afraid to contact me over the phone, whatever..I can see you reading, and we both know what that means.  I'm trying to reach out to you...i'm trying to get an understanding for all this.

Basically, I am in a Mrs Haversham state of confusion left on a high from the time we spent together, believing that everything would turn around for the better..and then being jolted out of the fairytale to this "real world" that was actually a nightmare.

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.

"As the Rolling Stones would say, just Call me"

Looking Back

On the year..

on the bad..

on everything

This belated look back is similar to that of the reflection in a murky puddle of mud.  I normally do my year in review (year end review*) at, well, the end of the year; but as I have mentioned earlier, that never happened.  I figure with the rape-aversary date rapidly approaching, now would be as good of time as any to kick it off.

2012 was one of those years you'll look back on much later in life and say, "man, that year brought me down to my lowest point..but I overcame and made it to here" and you'd point to whatever place you were standing as some sort of vague implication on what you were actually talking about.  But as those wounds are still pussing, it's a little more difficult to do anything but laugh at just how fucked up last year really was.

If I recall correctly, I started off the New Year by airing my grievances, all at the mispleasure of bringing about the 2008 jangus.  Later that month a girl came back into my life for the umteenth time, and like Rihanna to Chris Brown, I supported it.  This would prove to again be a series of ups and downs, back and forth like a see-saw we found ourselves finding each other, yet "needing" to separate ourselves as well.

As the new month arrived that relationship kicked into overdrive and (I thought) things were moving in the right direction.  Time spent over the Valentine's holiday was doubly meaningful as it was to be my last days before going over to Korea for a month.  And things started off great until day two, when that relationship, much like my presence in the states, went away.

Just shy of a month spent in Korea, despite the sadness I was facing, was quite a good experience for me.  In short, it was existential and I enjoyed it - I also got a lot of writing accomplished as well, not just blogging, but a note everyday to the one who ran away.

My trip was cut just short of a month and I found myself in the states for St Patrick's day..and what was to come was, and still is, unthinkable.  I won't, and probably can't, go into too much detail about what happened - that matter was actually a full blog that I started to write then erased because it angered me so much.  But what happened was, said previous girl and I got back together as we both longed for one-another...she spent the night..I thought that would be the turning point in our relationship, little did I know it would be, just not in the direction I was aiming for..she, and I quote, had never been more comfortable in her life than laying next to me in my bed, end quote...the next day would be the last time I saw her again.

Fast forward to the weekend of my birthday, hear back from girl - it has been two weeks now - and there's a "pregnancy scare", I quote that because actually it was a device used to try and entrap me on grounds of..rape.

I'll give you a moment..

So I spent time being interrogated by detectives, and having to explain to my chain of command just what in the eff was going on.  That same week I do my first interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters..two weeks pass and another love of mine finds a way to break me, again. This time it was on the basketball court, and the break was actually the ligaments in my ankle.  The lack of professional medical help provided by the military only made things worse.  Pain killers coupled with my world crashing in around me proved to be a horrible combination..and in fear of doing something stupid, I fought through the pain and flushed the meds down the drain.

The next months I spent recovering, which put a hold on moving my stuff out here from Indy.  I went to a lot of rehab, and pushed myself to workout and keep on top of things, striving to get back to where I was before.  I really don't recall the summer months all that well; Gary made an appearance during the fourth of july-causing me to skip my traditional chicago plans and stay in SoCal.  Another friend came out a month later, causing such a drunken ruckus it caused my PS3 controller to split into many pieces...and that's the fun version of that story.

August came around and I found myself moving into a new place, closer to work and right on the beach.  Which was also the time I made a trip back out to the midwest to pack it all up and turn my back on that place, for the final time.  The trip was a nice vacation away from everything, work and so forth - even if I did do 28 of the 30 hours of straight driving through.  But that week proved to be a very interesting week.  

I'm not even sure if you could call it an old flame, but sparks definitely did ignite with a missed connection of sorts; which naturally complicated things for both of us.  And shortly after that, another past lover decided to make a big, marching band required, appearance into my life as well.  In fact, most of the drive back I spent texting and talking to said person.  This too proved to be complicated with the nature of conversations and pictures sent.

But like all good things, these too would come to an end..first with the former lover calling it quits on both her boyfriend at the time, and me.  Then after my two week 'hiatus' for Fleet Week in SF, the missed connection solidified as to why it wasn't to be either.

With being shat on enough in 2012, I made the bold statement to the oncoming month of November to "do your worst", feeling as if I had endured enough, there was nothing November could do that I could not overcome...I now have a regret in life.  

With everything now in my possession, under one roof, I was getting settled in. One item in particular I was excited about was my external harddrive. Finally, I thought, the constant worry in the back of my mind about backing up my data will be relieved! Oh how horribly fallacious I was to provoke November.  In the very process of backing up my data, everything went wrong.  The laptop's hd had a mechanical failure...and the external hd had a data corruption.  Everything was lost...even to this very day, after sending it to place after place to attempt to salvage the data. No such luck.

That was the nail in the coffin, that was the final straw, that, was the death of me.

Everything after that point was, and is, a blur.  Things happened...things continue to happen.  Michigan ended up losing to OSU, I ruined something because of my stubbornness, I ruined something else because of my vacuousness, and I'm fighting more battles than I need to be right now.

Still no results from my DNA sample, so the accusations are still on the table...all my pictures up to November of last year are gone, my ankle has gotten better, but still isn't 100%, and there always seems to be that one person on my mind.

just the quick recap of the worst year of my life, that is all.

"i have nothing to say i haven't already said"