Nothing

even

matters

 to you

I'm probably one of the coldest, heartless, meanest assholes you'll ever meet; but then again, I'm not.  Sure I'm an ass 90% of the time (and I'm serious 5% of the time) but there's still that other 10% that makes me up that surely does feel like 90%,  most of the time.

As easily as I can toss people aside from my life, tell them to "fuck off and die", tell them goodbye forever, I just as easily can't forget most.  In fact, to anyone I've ever said those previous words to, odds are, I still remember and think about them...for they have made their impact on me, in some shape or form.

And yet to others, I feel as if they really do mean it when they say their goodbyes.  That the idea of me was just a lightswitch, and once it gets flicked to 'off' it, like the memories of me, vanish into nothingness.

I guess I don't know why I still hold onto memories, why I still care - maybe there is some underlying reason, maybe I never wanted to stop, but does that make me weak for caring, for not being able to want to forget?

Dante had his Beatrice, who says I can't too...

Through this thick facade I put up, this Great Wall of Repression, holds back a lot of feelings and emotions.  I was talking about needing to watch a sappy movie in order to get myself to cry so I could flush my eye out with whatever flew into it, and a friend replied, "The Jangus cries?"

Its true, more for some, most from....

I just will never understand, and here i write and erase a thousand times over, almost begrudgingly wanting to leave those five words...how can people do this to other people...there was no bad blood, no bad break, no resentment, no ill-will, it was understood...so why do we have to act like strangers now?  You can't tell me its for the better, you may lie to yourself, but don't lie to me..

I've already written this post, and I feel like I'll just repeat myself...

I guess I have nothing more to say

"J-Hey 

N-Who is this?"