If You Could..

would you..

or would you change it?

If I could do it all over again, I would

Maybe a little bit differently..maybe take more advantage of certain situations, but generally speaking, yes is being my answer.  I randomly came across some post from early '05, and I didn't have to read through much to realize the life I coulda/shoulda/did have...

I may not have realized it then, but those were my golden years...sure I would stretch them out for more to come, evolving over time...becoming more cognizant of my surroundings..but those were then, and I came only (barely) remember what happened.  Yet, I loved it.

Everyone recants on the past better than it was..maybe this is the case as well..or maybe I was too naive to realize just what was going on.  They say hindsight is 20/20, hell Rod Stewart sang about it...

if only we could go back...good thing I wrote a little bit

"note to self...don't stop writing, only for you"

Best Night in Indy (cont'd)

who cares about racing...
..just show me your tits..

because the best has yet to come...

so my night is over at work; i run my checkout, take one last look at the lobby, and start to head out the backdoors. the everyday procedure i go through is stopping at security for them to check my bag, yes, i carry in an over the shoulder bag to hold all my belongings...i used to just leave everything in my jacket pockets, but people kept stealing all my shit...so i finally got tired and used the bag work gave me....so every day i have to make a stop and let security look inside my bag....

over time with all the stops i have made friends with security, we'll chat it up about all sorts of random things, but today would be a special day. as i enter the security doors we start conversation about the party upstairs...that's when i notice they have three blue bands laying on their desk. i ask what the different colors meant, as i have seen blue, yellow, purple, and red on various peoples in the lobby..security tells me they've just been running out of colors as they have oversold for this event by almost three times..wow. they claim it to be a madhouse up there at the party and don't recommend me going, but i cannot let this opportunity pass. so i snatch the three wrist bands and run out the door down the street to wherever my car is parked.

i made mention to gary earlier in the night about us going, he only wanting to go if he could get in for free, and i said that security would give us the hook up...and well, i turned out to be right. on my way home i gave him a call, told him to get his sorry ass out of bed and be ready in 25 minutes because we were going to the playboy party! he couldn't believe it, but in a way he expected it.

at home it takes me no time at all to shower and pick out an outfit to rock out in. shortly thereafter we head back towards downtown, towards the chaos, towards destiny. we are lucky on a night like tonight to get a parking spot close to the hotel without having to pay. we take a leisurely stroll down to the entrance and make our appearance known. of course i'm going full fledged rocker, wearing my sunglasses at night, but gary is obvious...the hotel employees recognize him right off the bat, and i think our cover is blown....and for a moment it is...i play off as if i have no idea what's going on and just continue to walk in as they question gary if he is allowed in and such...i show my wristband and they open up the velvet ropes

we're in! well, we made it past the initial security and my heart is racing a little bit more with each step i take. after a passing with the security wand we are waved to go up stairs! This is really happening, i want to scream like a school girl at an N'sync concert..i keep repeating "i'm the coolest person alive" we make it up the stair case and start to walk through the open door way to where the party is at. walking in to the room was like walking into a night club..lights flashing all around, loud music playing, bar in the middle, girls in bunny outfits on stage, people everywhere...wow, this is intimidating.

i break my shell when i see an employee i was talking to just hours ago, obviously not recognizing me i walk up to her and say, "so you must be one of the bunnies" to which she gives me a weird look and a reply of "yeah right..no, not at all, i work here" i just smile at her as i place my hand on her waist, dropping my head down to show just a little bit of my eyes from the glasses and say, "well, you could have fooled me" as i give her a wink.

from that moment it's on. i don't make it another two feet without a group of people yelling to me, in a good way. they love my look, they love the fact i am wearing sunglasses inside..yes, i am indeed that guy, BUT i am that guy who can pull it off...which is sad because i can pull off a lot of stupid things, just look at my outfit for that night....

we start walking towards the front of the party, making our way around the bar, that's when we see an employee working the bar area right behind us. we go up and order some drinks, something to get us in the chill attitude...granted it's now 1am and this party started at 8pm...so we are a little behind. i want to get on stage..i brought my travel duck with me for this very reason..sure i can take pics of people with myself in it, but it's more fun to have the duck take my place..

gary spots another employee and starts conversation...we are still not close enough for me to see how to get up on stage, if there's a line or where it begins or just what, but i know you can get on there because there's obviously people up there with the bunnies. so just as the security guy was about to leave i say, "hey, how do we go about getting on that stage? where's the line" he asks, oh you want to get up there..follow me. so he starts walking in the opposite direction and we follow..i'm confused as we are walking away from the stage heading back towards the route of which we entered, but i trust him...then in a "Goodfellas" - esque moment we go through an employee side door and start walking in the back hallways..passing employees doing what employees do behind closed doors, and then we are brought through another door which leads to the side of the stage where an actual armed officer is standing..the security gives him the clearance on us and away we were...up on stage!

so now we are on the stage, but we are off to the side..we need to get in the middle because that's where all the action is, also where all the people are. i ask gary to use his size to bulldoze through to get closer in and i would just follow..but he doesn't ever take initiative, so i down my drink then use my small stature to worm in and out through the crowd.

before i know it i'm face to face with a playmate..i start to get a little nervous about doing the photo shoot with the duck, let alone speaking to her..but once he pops his little yellowed head out everything was golden. the first playmate, stephanie, was really nice - even throughout the rest of the evening she was one of the most chill - so stephanie, loving the duck takes him and shoves him in her cleavage...if only i were that duck...from then on i was no longer intimidated by the bunnies and kept my social high rolling

i find more bunnies to shoot with..we continue to stay on stage realizing this was where all the cool people hung out..and celebrities. we met other girls who were in love with our rockstarness...but the best part came when security, along with the armed officers, came to clear out the stage...they started kicking people off the stage as deemed necessary by the fire marshal in order to not shut down the party..so i figure, well, it was fun while it lasted - but the officer comes up to me, asking to see my wristband, to which i show him, and he gives me the clearance to stay on the stage...apparently it was the blue wristbands that were the uber-VIP's, the blue wristbands which i got from security, which allowed for me to have the best night of indy..

funny side story, while the officer was clearing off the stage one of the girls i had made friends with had on a purple wristband and he asked her to leave...so i try to play it cool and ask if it's cool if i say she's with me, would the ultimate blue band be above the law..but that's when he tells me about the fire Marshall and all that jazz, shutting down the party...so then i apologize to the officer, turn to the girl, and tell her to get the fuck off my stage...priceless.

the night continues..more dancing..then three ladies on the floor come up to the stage and finger-call gary and i to come on down...they don't look worth my time, but i follow to to see where this might take us. it ends up these girls work for a radio station, to which i had a surreal moment when one of them starting talking in my ear..i swear i was listening to the radio at that point...

gary goes to get the girls some drinks and that's when it gets shady..one of the girls asks me to get the attention of some guy on stage..i'm not playing lackey..so then a little bit after gary returns with drinks he asks me for my other blue band...why's that? oh because one of the whores wants to get on stage of course...using him for a blue band to go and find another guy..women are manipulative bitches..and they just got free drinks...this is why i don't buy a drink for a girl unless i'm drunk or i care, see former...

i separate myself from gary and bitchnumber3 and do my own thing...i get lost in the sea of people on the floor, returning to the stage every now and then...then in a random chance i run up with a bunny i had yet to meet. she was alone on the edge of the stage, sitting, and dancing. so i approach her and start to make conversation...she complains that her feet her, so i pop a squat next to her and dance with her...we talk more..she loves the duck..yadda yadda yadda

after awhile she says her boss is watching and she has to get up and dance...so i hep her onto her feet and she pulls me back into the crowd. we dance. she strips off my jacket and wears it. then, she has to go, saying something came up...riight, i know how this goes, she's spent enough time with me, now she's off to play with others, got ya..

in the meantime derek hough and i become friends - he actually said he was jealous of me for being able to pull off the popped collar on the jacket and sunglasses inside...he then wore my sunglasses as he sang and then popped his collar...i told him i appreciate the gesture, but people will see him and people will see me and think I'M copying HIM! he realizes i am right and returns the glasses and pulls down on his collar.

more dancing, more singing..i swear i have to be in a hundred photos because i was center stage the entire time...it was interesting because i had no idea who these people were i was singing and dancing with...any time i met up with gary on the floor with his girl he would tell me, "uhh, do you realize you were just dancing with *insertcelebritynamehere*?!"

in my random ways, i almost got in trouble. see, the girls have these bunny ears and bunny tails..and it's hard not to go "bloop" and hit them. well the one time i touched the ears the bunny turns and starts to bitch out gary..apparently touching the costume is an offence worth getting kicked out for...wow, drastic. so gary throws me under the bus, to which she doesn't believe him, but i apologize taking full responsibility..to which she becomes all not angry and sweet with me, telling me i'm a nice guy..loves it.

it's nearing 3 and the party is about to end, then i feel a tug on my jacket as i'm in the middle of doing whatever, singing to boston? no i don't need another drink, yes my wristband is blue..oh wait, it's...her...the bunny who said she would return..pilar. she felt bad for the time away but had to get tings straightened out..but she returned...of course it was the end of the night and the bunnies were leaving...so what do i do..ask to exchange numbers...with a playmate...

first of all, who the hell do i think i am..asking for a bunnies number....i don't remember lying to her..what the...ughhh....but the worst part of it all...it worked

so the party ends, we exit the hotel when a gentlemen asks to see my duck...to put in his Maserati...so he does and i take pics..i swear that duck is actually cooler than me!by this point i am on cloud nine...and gary, his whore, and myself all go to SnS where i get a steakfrank. home by 6am..the end.










"oh my god i love me"

Best Night in Indy

Playboy Party..
Raceweekend..

need i say anymore?!

on what could have been a really shitty day, i somehow focused in on the positive notes, or rather i ignored those negatives and made my own positives...maybe that's what life is all about after all. it's the saturday of race weekend, the day before the race, almost the last day to be chaotic - parades, alcohol, parties, and more consumption are what is on the minds of the majority of the new weekend residents of indy.

every year indy invites half a million people to come in and destroy it's town all in good fun of the sport of racing..and for those in the industry, it means long hours and getting all your bills paid in that week (unless you partake in the parties, then you're right back where you started, but you only live once..) today is in the top three busiest days of the year for our restaurant, and that being said you know tensions are high, longer shifts create a more tired, more irritable workstaff, which can create a lot of problems when people are already strung out on their last wit's end.

it was last night after i closed out my last tab and walked back to the car when i felt how tired i really was - and given that yesterday was my day off and i had only been out partying for three hours i knew it wasn't looking good for saturday.

because of all the activities downtown many streets that i normally would take were blocked off, parking a complete nightmare, but even given all that i was only five minutes late to work - good since i even got off to a late start...but the kicker would be when i found out i needed to be in thirty minutes earlier than what i thought, whoops. and it continued to go downhill from there...my first table was sat, then left to go to the parade..so my next table was at noon..a one top, who just ordered an appetizer....but then the parade was over and we got busy..well, everyone else but me..i had two two-tops and an 8 top...and then i tried to pick up as much business in the cocktail lounge to help the bartender out...and then a 17 top was getting sat in the cocktail area..but a server who just got on the floor swooped in while my back was turned and took it from me....

after the rush was over i ran my checkout and took a break..i don't know if i was supposed to, but i didn't care at that point...i bought an energy drink and sat on the circle to watch people...it felt good to sit...but i knew i had to return eventually and i did just that. i was energized and that puts me into a good mood - that and i like to be loud and obnoxious just to make myself smile..and some other people do too (i'm on a boat mother fucker!). my tables at dinner are nice, not with the tipping, but they are not assholes..plus i'm still in a good mood (even though i'm not making any money) so i just roll with it...until the last table...

so this guy makes a reservation for the busiest weekend in indy for 7 people - side note the way our tables are able to expand and open up the max you can put on a round table is 7, should you need more than that another table with an extender is needed..so a week before the reservation the guy calls back and asks for the table to be for 8, he is told that it is not possible as we are fully committed and do not have an extra table to throw onto for his party...he says ok leave it for 7...well, you can see where this is going...

it's their reservation time and i just got the prior people to leave off the needed table..so as i am heading up to the host stand to confirm the size and let them know the progress i see a man yelling at one of the hosts, demanding he be sat for 8 people..he's a regular in vegas, he'll never dine here again, yadda yadda yadda...so that's my table? after the managers get involved they somehow pull an extra table out of their asses (ok, upstairs storage) and throw it along the side of the original table, now blocking off one of my other tables making it impossible to sit.

as they are being seated, everyone from the host, to my gm, to the cocktailer who ordered them drinks are telling me what fucking pricks they are..greaaaaaat. i approach the table and use my very stern, very professional tone and demeanor with them..it's a table full of alpha males, but the prick who went off on the host is definitely the one in charge...it doesn't take me long to break down the gentlemen and establish a comfortable rapport with them..they actually seem to like me, good..

throughout the service i am receiving high regards and very casual talk from the dominant male, i think all is well...of course until the bill comes. Man prick doesn't pay but one of his slackies does...it's an eight top, i only got them to 700, horrible, and they only tipped $80, even more horrible..but it's my last table and i just want to get home - no sets to make, no sidework for me to do, i'm a happy man. (especially since i watched the ending seconds of the Lakers game with Ludacris, talking shit with him)

before i leave i take one more look into the hotel adjoining us - yeah, that playboy party is gonna be hella tight....if only there was a way to get in....










"boobies, everywhere!"

Still Heartbroken

even though i don't wanna be..
..because there's nothing else to be..

it may be easier to leave than be left behind, but you'll always pack those past emotions

another saturday morning, another double to be worked, another heartbreaker to be had. i wake up and shower with that same turned the tide emotion i've had before - it's a relieving feeling, i just wished it lasted more than three point five seconds. the feeling of being able to let go doesn't come easily to me, like i've said before 'i need the closure, i just hate the endings' - i'm the "last to leave and turn out the lights" kind of person..like the ending of series cheers..or my goodbye to JR in 2006..but the exact opposite of how i left JR in 2007...in my head, it's still going on.

maybe in some sick way i don't want the feeling there..as much as i push away i don't really want to let go, because that would be the end of it all...i know i know...i say all or nothing, there's always got to be something better than in the middle..and if the middle is as much as i can have, then i'd not have anything at all..you're right, in a way...but i'm just a selfish only child and i want it all

i'm dressed and on my way to work, and if my calculations are correct since i am working the saturday lunch it won't be busy, but i still won't get a break, so i leave a couple minutes early in hopes of stopping somewhere to get food. it's the weekend so the street is available as well as my alley, but for some reason or another - something must be happening downtown - my alley appears to be full. i make my slow drive down when i notice an older gentleman walking up to a van, score! this sweet spot found on early enough will allow me to make a stop at my favorite new place downtown, Dunkin Donuts.

my love for DD stems from my childhood..i remember eating only those doughnuts with my family, even my father's family...when i lived in Chicago, they were a dime a dozen, on every corner - like starbucks in Seattle or walgreens anywhere else. but when i moved to Btown i found i had moved away from the loved DD. through word on the street and research i had found that any DD's in a remote distance from Btown had up and left just a few years prior to me moving down there; and that the closest one would be two hours away in Louisville, KY.

well late one night my friend TJ and i had an intense craving for DD - now the DD's where i came from are open 24/7 - so we thought the ones in L'ville had to be opened 24/7 as well...so let's go..but the story gets a little deeper than that. i was in mid text conversation with one of our friends and i asked her if she wanted to go to DD with us, without telling her where we were actually going...she needed a break from studying and without much knowledge of what was in the area said sure...this would be the setup for one of our best jokes...

i'd say about 45 minutes into our trip she started to question where we were going, TJ drove so i did my best to distract her with other things with the notion once we were more than half-way there it would be foolish of us not to go, we were in poker terms, pot committed...we did continue our drive after telling her where exactly we were going...there's more to the story but that's another time..in the end it turned out to be one our favorite stories to tell to date

i order some egg mcmuffin thing, without the 'mc' of course, to get something in my tummy knowing it will more than likely be the only thing i'll get to eat til, midnight? i have to start my day off right, i don't need management hawking on me about my attitude, and given i'm on a double i'm six times more likely to snap.

the lunch shift was nothing more than lame, our rush was getting all of our covers for the shift in one seating. i love to watch as the other server on the floor is running all about in a frazzled state while i gracefully glide around at a slower than normal pace, just to rub it in their face, singing, dancing, texting...just because i can. by the time the rush is over it's time for pre-shift, wow..that was a fast shift after all...

i run my lunch checkout and am told to go on break, wha??! they tell me to come back at 5:30, i'm completely in shock, and exited...until i check the reservation mapping..."ugh, Mr B Hewey, yeah, i got my first table at 5...alright then, be back at 4:45"....that's more like it...fifteen minutes for my break...the longest break i've gotten in...beats me.

fifteen minutes is long enough for me to sit down, play on my phone, and take a shit..food? not so much. i drink an 'edged out' redbull as i get back in the restaurant, which i never do and it alarms some coworkers...i feel like i'm back on the cruiseship wherein i needed a new vice every week to get me through the monotony...i'm in the back dining room, but i make plans to pick up the close - there's a table specifically i want to take care of tonight and nothing is going to stop me from making a fool out of myself in front of it.

that specific table's reservation is at 10 and my manager wants to give it to the other closer, i'm not having it...after i explain to him why i want it so badly he makes a deal that the two closers, since they are both closers and their cover counts are the same, will pool it..fair enough, i'm still on it!

the reason why i want the table is not because it's a ten top, not because of the potential money they may spend, but because of who it is..and what i want to do. so who is this mystery guest? the comedian Jim Gaffigan. so if you've ever watched a comedy central show or listened to his stand up, he has two five minute long bits about bacon and hot pockets...i hope you can see where this is going and you're probably thinking, oh dear god jangus, please no...so my plan is this, when we deliver out the food his dish will be not what he ordered, but it will be on a silver-covered plate...and the contents, a frozen hot pocket garnished with bits of bacon.

Now i know he also has a five minute skit about how he hates when people ask him to do the hot pocket skit, so i'm a little weary on how this will go down...well, really all i am imagining is one of two ways..either he'll hate it and i'll get fired, or he'll love it and that'll be that...either way i'm doing, just to say i did it.

so the entrees go out, i am carrying out the 'special' platter as my pooling partner doesn't really understand. i place the covered dish on the table and all movements around stop, all eyes are on me and this dish...i take a step back and offer my apologies what i have before him is merely my homage to mr. Gaffigan, please, do not hate me...speculation arises at the table, someone throws out the word bacon...another hotpocket...i reveal the plate removing the silver topper in classic showmanship fashion and say, both. Instantaneous uproar of laughter from the table. i then go into his actual spiel from his skit, mentioning the freezing temperature, the side of pepto, and how everything will taste like rubber for a month...i then continue to apologize making note that i know how he hates when people mention the hotpocket skit and that i truly do respect him, yadda yadda...but he loves it..i think his brother actually loved it the most though.

so in one instance my life reached another epoch...i punked a comedian on his own grounds..what more is left for me, i feel so complete with my life...i guess this goes to show what growing up an only child does to you, you have the power to entertain yourself - and laugh a lot...even if it is only you laughing.

"hot pockets"

E-arth Day?

who actually cares?
google?

so on the one day i'm supposed to hug a tree or whatever i did the exact opposite.

i suppose the opposite would be to yell at a tree, and i haven't done that yet..maybe the opposite is to ignore a tree..and i know i've done that...just walked on by like it didn't even exist, that'll get back at her for cheating on me while we were 'on a break', yeah, i bet i just ruined her day!

whoa, anyways...today was earth day or some shit and frankly, i think you can tell, but i could give two less shits about it...i try to do my part on my own, i don't use plastic bags, i used to bike and walk to work - hell i still park far away and walk..but this being forced to give a damn, no...this is how ignorance happens...you start force feeding your fucking causes down my throat and i'll go 180 on you...awareness my ass, you're just trying to make other's lives as horrible by making them succumb to your pathetic and tolerate you...jew, gays, blacks, i've had enough...

so seriously, earth day...it was somewhere in the afternoon and our class was on our hour lunch break so we headed on over to the mall's food court - what are we like twelve - not my idea...and who's ever idea it was should have been punched in the face..the firefighters convention is in town - and as much as they would like to be called the FDIC, i'm sorry, that has already been taken, try again - along with some schools deciding it would be an amazing idea to take a field trip..to down town? don't ask me what the fuck is beneficial or mentally stimulating about indy...there's no architecture worth noting, not a lot of original things remain...it's just a fucking shithole..the chicago fire should have happened here, and now!

anyways, food court...the place is packed, the lines are long..there goes our break for sure..so we all decided to stay together and we get in line for Chinese...one person makes a mention "well, we know if there's a fire we're safe" - are you fucking kidding me, i'm sure these marshalls are about to have a heart attack for the overpopulation of people in this one area...should there be a fire we would all get trampled to death..and you better believe i'm pushing you first bitch.

so as we are getting our food, to-go now, the lady asks if we want a plastic bag - as if our Styrofoam containers weren't bad enough..well, that same bitch who made the comment about the fire says yes. I am in an uproar now..."What?! are you kidding me, it's earth day and you're getting a plastic bag...what the fuck do you need it for?!" - "Well, i may have to carry it back to class" - "and are your arms fucking broke or something..how does the bag assist in the carrying of one lightweight box?" - "*no reply*

so my turn comes up - "you want bag?" - "me, oh, yes please..yes, i would love a plastic bag..in fact double bag it..i may have to carry it" said as i throw my straw wrapper to the ground...yeah, that's right....take that mother nature....i hate my real mother so you're no different!!!

but i'll let you know, it was a really nice day today...the walk back to my car (that mile) was enjoyable..and back at home i went out onto the patio with my lappy and enjoyed the sunlight while i made this blog....awwwwww

i hope everyone catches the sarcasm in this post..if not, i come off as some sort of asshole, and i really just want to come off as a clearly distinguished asshole..not any sort...









"Go green?! i look horrible in green, choose another color please"

It's PeanutButter Jelly TIME!!!

it's like going back in time..
but you're just reading a blog...

it's moments like these, i wonder where the cameras are...

Today marks the 2 Year Anniversary of when the idea for the Triple Decker Peanut Butter, Jelly, and Honey sandwich was conceived! holy crap! and here's the proof in the pudding.

this finding came in light of yesterday's blog where i made mention to it being only two years ago from that day i was livin' it up in Piney Point Maryland with my pseudo-girlfriend and how it wasn't cold..well, after making such claims i went and searched my blog to see just what i was doing at that time...i made a bone-head error and set the time circuits for 2006 and found myself waking up to a different girl i wasn't supposed to be waking up to (who shall remain nameless..since everyone freaks out when i mention her) so i had to hit 88mph to jump ahead one year putting me back in good ol 19...err, 2007

as i read the days events of the 26th, i just kept on reading, reading til i got to the point i came across the pbj&h triple decker phenomenon....ok..it's more of a big deal to me than to anyone else...but every since that day, i have only made triple decker pbj's...it's just been a tradition i guess..and now....oh now i can happily recite the tale of how it came about, accuratlley recanting the details now including the date!

ohhh, what a day that was....











"i vaguely remember that...thank god i blog or i would have surely forgotten"

For Those About to Rock..

this is a trip...
down memory lane, Illinois

i have today and tomorrow off...i'm going to do something that i should have done a long time ago..i'm gonna end the madness, or just perpetuate it further..you know me, all or nothing. I had people who wanted to see me this weekend, i had others who did not...but i decided on doing something for me...for once. i'm seeing those who forgot i even exist.

i don't perceive this to go very well, i plan on having my heart broken again this week...just rack it up on one of the many things i tried because i wanted but somehow i failed...there's something humbling about being the better person..and don't question why would it be the second time my heart would be broken this week..really? did you forget..monday/tuesday...we're over ring a bell...forget it...

i still don't know why i'm doing this, what sparked this..was it Monday's conversation..is all i need just a good kick in the ass to get myself motivated to do things...before i've want to become something big, be something great, and rub it in the faces of those who cast me aside, proving to them that i didn't need them and look how i turned out. i've been mad before, but i don't know if i ever wanted to kick their asses...no, just rub their faces into my success like a dog into their own shit...well, so much for that idea..

no, i'm humbler now...i don't want an apology, explanations, or excuses...i know they will have their side to the story as my mother's parents have their side..it doesn't matter, every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around..better late than never, no such thing as 'too little too late', as long as you make a valiant effort, well, there's nothing more that can be asked of you..today, i make the effort in hopes others make a future effort

i think to myself, maybe it's wrong of me to do this, i was already thrown out the window of these people's lives once, who the fuck am i to be all self-righteous trying to barge into people's lives and established families all because 'i'm lost in life and on some soul-satisfying journey' or some shit..where do i get off re-opening wounds that time finally got finished healing...

i guess you'll never know til you try...don't beat yourself up worrying about 'what-if?' go out and find out for yourself or you'll be questioning it all your life...you'll learn something about yourself and other people along the way too, as long as you have something you can take from it all, then it was worth it..

i'm going to do it.

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
'When ya comin' home son?'
'I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad,
We're gonna have a good time then'."

Now This Is a Post!

Totally Disregard for other people's thoughts and feelings...
i do it all the time with these posts...

it's amazing what little oval pills can do for you..i just hope this isn't a gateway drug, last thing i need is to go to jail on possession charges, whoops...but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i do need to explore this as an outlet for my emotions, anything to calm my nerves, make me eat, and clear my head....looks like pot it is....

i woke up this morning realizing i fell asleep with the lights on, i heard it's less dangerous that way..my sleeping aid induced coma got to me quicker than i realized last night..and it had me rise earlier than my alarm...every now and then i like to wake up well before my alarm goes off, only so i can bask in the comfort of the warm bed, cold air, and cuddle up back to sleep...it allows for me to get out of bed as soon as my alarm does go off later...so in a way it's like a snooze, but instead of ten minutes, you get another hour or so

it's a new month, the cold air has arrived, and i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday...i think it has something to do with the sleep..i still have yet to eat or replace these thoughts in my head. i start my drive on the way to work...something's different, i attribute it to the ambien from last night..it always leaves me feeling refreshed, til i get out of bed, then i feel woozy a bit, but with a weird sense of energy..

as i am driving by what i like to call the outskirts of downtown i have a thought, i reach a red light, and pause. i take a look around, no cars, so i make an illegal U-turn heading back...my feelings guided me on over to a parking lot that Amy usually parks at, i've never parked there before, and it's not like me to break from my norm, but today is different so i proceed to park there.

i get out of my car and start my walk..i swear this is half way between my house and work. it's a chilly morning so i zip up my Michigan jacket that i wear proudly...i chuckle at the hilarity in that comment; not only did i fail and leave Michigan never to return again, their football program has been nothing more than the butt of jokes in the past years...way to blow...

the walk seems long..in reality it's not that long, it's just not my normal routine, everything seems out of whack, but it allows me more time for me to take in the day, feel the cold air on my face and in my lungs, smell all the scents of downtown, quickly people watch, it's beneficial i think.

at work i find out i have a call party, a two top, they requested me and the guy's wife is apparently friends with my female manager...both the manager and i have no clue who this guy is by the name on the reservation...he arrives and i remember the face, it's kinda hard not to forget a forty year old man with braces...but i've only waited on him the one time, and i cant really remember why he remembers me, until he orders...this is the guy who let me make his meal, that's right...he gives me an idea on what he wants, and i go to the computer and input my variation on things...now i could be an ass and make him get the most expensive steak, add a rub, sides, etc, but i'm not like that..he's done no wrong to me, and it's kinda nifty to create something for a stranger.

all the courses come out and he enjoys it all, it's nice that he ordered off the dinner menu too, nothing beats having a $150 check for a two top at lunch, with no alcohol...the rest of the shift goes by well for me...i had a table request breakfast, my call two top wanted dinner, and my other two tables had lunch...not only that, but i was the first to sell the new scallop BLT right after we were told we could sell it...the icing on the cake, wow bad pun, came when i coaxed my last table to order the chocolate hazelnut cake with a scoop of our homemade hazelnut Kahlua ice cream...i was rocking and rolling today. having breakfast, lunch, and dinner entrees all in one shift i called a triple-double...the scallop special and dessert add-on were what made me a MVP in my mind..

as i checked out i told my manager should there be a cut for tonight i would like to take it, gonna roll out on a positive note, making reference to myself as Michael Jordan, when he retired the second time. that and knowing how much dinner sucked last night i was more than happy to offer up a shift, well turns out they were making five cuts, wow...

as i change jackets and think how i feel like Mr Rogers in a way...you know, he would walk in, hang up one jacket and put on the vest jacket thing, and reverse process when he left...i'm taking off my potatoe sack jacket to hang up and putting on my Michigan jacket...whatever...

i stroll on outside back to the lot where i parked my car...i walk past my favorite homeless guy in his normal spot, say hello, i was going to give him some money, but i didn't have any readily on hand - he looks happy..i always wonder about him..he sticks out in my mind so whenever i am traveling through downtown i can spot him easily..i see him at the bus station, walking around, i wonder if he really does have a home...i've been tempted to follow him because he's only in his spot certain hours of the day...i call him the 9 to 5 hobo

i decide to stop at subway, it's located right next to the lot where i parked my car..i haven't eaten anything in what seems like forever and i have a craving for a cold meat sandwich...i go with my normal, chicken terriayki. i just wish that they could inject the food into my stomach for me..i don't feel like eating, and the mere thought makes me sick a little...but my stomach growls for food and i know i need it...such a weird dilemma...

i make it back to my place and unwind..i decide to watch UHF by Weird Al...it's a good two hours at least before i finally take a stab at eating that sandwich..i only get through the first half of the footlong and place the rest in the fridge...the latter part of the night i kill time chatting online

i'm trying to figure out what to do about this weekend...as far as i know, i still have Friday/Saturday off - hoping that the kid who picked up my Saturday shift still works for us. a week ago it was to go to The Hole...now, well, that's not happening...i know TJ wants me to come out, and i want to go out and see him...but i have this new vision in my head of what i should do. what should i do...

i continue to beat myself up over everything that has happened..sure i may have said i feel better, but i didn't say i feel back to normal, didn't feel 100%..maybe my nerves officially gave up, quit, went on strike, whatever the case, i'm not as big of a mess as i was the other day, yet i am still thinking about it. situations play out in my head, what if this - what if that..i try to make a time line for how everything went down, my thoughts are cruel - if my imagination could kill, it would have done that, slowly and painfully a thousand times by now (and you thought i was gonna say Uzi...)

you are your own worst critic...i don't know if it's good or not, but it seems like whenever something like this happens i'll just beat the shit out of myself emotionally to the point i wake up and i'm over it...you know, thinking about it, sounds kinda fucked up...i even asked TJ to beat the shit out of me physically so i could wake up from this down-and-out state i'm in....he said he's got one good punch left in him...maybe this explains why my girl friend Joy gets tattoos, it's a different form of pain, self inflicted, to overcome another pain...body art is just their outlet, mine i keep bottled up inside, like so many other things..

i start cleaning my room, its one of those nervous habits i do at times probably to show i have control of something. i find old notes and journals, i read them. all of a sudden there's a charge in the air, a wave of positive emotion overcomes me. i read things that i wrote, i giggle at my intelligent humor, but i read what others have wrote me as well. this is what i need. i see a trend, if you're an ex-gf then you hate me, but if you were anyone else in my life, i somehow touched you, made an impact, a difference, and you thank me for it...

maybe i am a good guy..all the notes connote the same thing - i'm an amazing person, but there's always one flaw with it too...they tell me to keep my head up, look on the bright side of things, but don't change for anyone...a little contradictory, but i go with it..if you change, it's got to be for yourself, change comes from within, and usually takes 21 times, or so i've heard. i do want to be a better person, i want to be aware of how i affect people, both positively and negatively...i am oblivious most of the time to either now. i just live my life, and i feel if i compromise one part, it will ruin everything else though...i know i can be an asshole, but i don't mean it, i may be the only person to yell and curse someone out, saying the most hurtful things and keep a smile the entire time...i really don't mean it, but i say it..i guess that's where i'm wrong...

the positive train keeps coming in though..i text Joy and ask her about myself, try to up lift me..she does just that, telling me how i've always been there for her and so forth, but then she breaks it down, like fo reals..joy breaks her silence and literally goes off about my ex, saying everything she's felt about how i've been treated by the ex and her actions in general..now i know i am prone to twisting words and plot lines around, but i feel as if this is one time i've been able to offer a transcript of, so maybe Joy's right..i tell her to keep going, don't hold back, i need to hear it all..she gets everything off her chest, and we both feel better...

in the process of cleaning i also find my Blue Day Book, referenced many a-times here in my blog i am sure - though it may not have notes in it like somebody else's, it means a lot to me, second edition i've had in my possession since 2002. whenever i need a little cheering up, i turn to that book, there are three pictures in the book that i need to take a time out for because they crack my shit up so much ..i like to read it to other people though, i like being able to connect with them by narrating the book to them..usually after i read the book to them they go out and buy it the next day, its that powerful.

but this time, i have nobody to read it to, this place sucks. i get a text, it's Helen, so i decide to call her, she's been checking up on me daily to make sure i am doing alright...she may be in a land of mormons, but she provides the cheer in my life i need right now...oddly enough, i find that all i have now-a-days are phone a friends..why on earth did i move away from everyone.

instantly she tells me i sound better, i say somewhat, it's not fully..i need to keep this going though...i explain my situation and she asks me to read her the book, i know it won't be the same, she cant see the pictures, so i do my best to describe them to her...the reading is really for me, we both know that, but she's a doll and bears with me...

by the end of the book i've wiped away tears of laughter, her battery is running dead so we end it there...i feel as if i have some how miraculously made it to stage five on the steps of grief...everyone's hard work has finally paid off, i've gone through denial..i went through a bit of anger..i even begged...and of course i went through depression...but you know what...stage 5 - Acceptance - Fuck Her.

i know that may sound anger but you know what...i did everything i could to get it right, or fix it fast (ughh, i sound like work). everything she tried to combat me against i took head-on...it was her who ended up fucking everything up. i didn't make her get drunk, i didn't spread her legs, i just tried to show how good a person i really am...i never gave up, til i woke up. it's over..i don't need a lying cheat anyways...she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she even knew better saying she wanted to find different friends, better friends...but she didn't, they turned her gullible ass into one of them - she can't blame anyone but herself for what she did..sure i may have initially caused the breakup, but again i say, i took positive action, she negatively reacted...at least i'll be sleeping on an easy conscious without guilt tonight...she cant say the same...

friends, no..i don't need someone like her in my life, it will just be a reminder of bad times..it's sad to lose someone so close, but i've got other people i've neglected to make things up to now...to her, i bid farewell, toodles~~~

"we're not destined to be together..we're both aries.."

Greatest Night Ever....
..ever...

for reals, this monday night was the saving grace for this entire 2 month off drought...