Empty Units

putting an end..
..to the means..

closing the doors in more ways than one in two places....

this past week i did something i've been meaning to do for a long time....it was officially wrote down on my "ToDo List" for after the summer of '06...three years in the making, three long years of pulling the idea off the shelf, blowing the dust off of it, and putting it right back there... this week it all came to a close.

it started last friday when i decided to put my thoughts into action - without fully knowing my schedule i went ahead and made calls to get the balls rolling...i called and got a storage unit right here in indy - literally a block from my current apartment. then an order was placed for a uhaul to be taken one way from the region. the balls were in motion and a lot of stress built up.

monday morning i acted on the calls and great plans and headed to the region with one goal in mind...never look back. for the past three years i have wanted to consolidate the two storage units i have spread out across the state...two storage units, two different time zones, two different eras in my life....all coming together.

i started my mission on the oldest part of my life, the storage unit i have had the longest, also the furthest away. some time in 2004 is when i put my region life into a 5 by 8 by 12 box, sealed from top to bottom, without my ability to go in there and go through things - except the filing cabinet i left at the front door.

i reserved the second smallest truck which i figured would allow me to fill it with either storage unit with ease...looking back i think i could have used the smallest truck, but it would have been jam packed..this one gave me some leeway..

moday.one day.up to the region. load up. drive back to indy. unload. that in itself was a task, thankfully i got the night off from work, not that i don't need to work, i just couldn't do all that in one day and survive.

the next day was on to btown, this time the round trip would solely be in the uhaul. the btown storage was a bit different...a very large unit with a lot of excess room..things scattered about - a place i have been going in an out of like it was my girlfriend. on a sad note, the storage unit also was home to the random things TJ left behind when he was abruptly removed from btown back in the beginning of 2007 - i don't even know what his boxes consist of.

wednesday morning i spent unloading the truck of the stuff from btown and organizing it with the things from the region. i was disappointed to find out that most of the things from the region storage were slightly water damaged...this put a damper on my fiscal plans as i hoped to sell certain items such as dressers and pool tables i had - instead i had to pry open the wooden drawers of my dressers to reveal and sort the findings.

and what was most tragic about that was, the items that were inside the drawers were moist as well...my main gripe was really the only thing i wanted out of that storage unit, the drawer full of pictures....pictures ranging from my childhood and baby pictures, to all the random pictures from my pityparty/high school days...

but now it's all together, in one location...granted i need to go through everything - i still plan on selling/throwing away a lot of things. i will be saving money having everything all in one place, and should i ever move, everything is is one location, one location that is actually supported by PODS.

but deeper than all that is me closing two doors of my life at once..with the removal of having a storage unit in the region, and with a lack of family in the region i no longer have any ties to that area...same goes for btown - although i still have my POBox there for the time being, that's a small price to pay in comparison to the huge storage unit.

by emptying out those containers, i've moved on with my life..this is just the first step of me getting it the fuck together?










"it's easier to leave than to be left behind"

Music is My Hot, Hot, Blowjob

btown for a day
music for eternity

music equals why i'm alive; live music equals love of my life

so friday was my day off of work..my first in a week since i picked up two shifts this week (as an SA none-other) and i was going to use it to my advantage...well, the sleeping in til 1pm was part of it, but i had things to do..funny how that always goes, whenever i want to get things accomplished, i'm a lazy bum to getting up and getting around...

i run my errands, buying milk in the process - my job, no..but did we have any in the fridge, again no...i hate my roommates..especially when they can't do their chores..all the while i am running around, trying to get everything finished as quickly as possible i keep getting bombarded with text conversations slowing my progression - if there's one thing i hate more than any other it's being rushed/being rushed with a barrage of questions. now some people will read this and think it was them, but no, honestly most of you all were really good, i think maxing out at questions (once while the day was going on and later as i drove down) but calls and texts every thirty minutes drove me crazy...that's not unreasonable...

in light of the added stress i took a breather and decided not to come down so early...sat in my apartment, blogged, did god knows what..finally getting on the road at 915...down to btown i went, on one of the coldest nights this year.....my car said it was 6 degrees outside..my body said "quit" - i hate the cold..why is it i pick the worst days to travel....

regardless i make my way down to the place of B. i met up with my friend hippo outside the Bluebird with a pass to get in for free..i had time for that. but what i had more time for was the live music...now the first band to preform wasn't the best, but the chick lead singer was a spitting image of a former co-worker at the CG..i swear it was her..and it would be something she would be doing too...

but the next band to come on would rock my socks, granted they are just a cover band, you'd be surprised....oh, the bands name, dot dot dot....right...no, like for reals, dot dot dot...anyways

what i liked about this band is that everyone got an opportunity to sing at least one song..and the lead singer would fill in on guitar, bass, or drums...wherever needed..that was really cool..but it sparked one of those deep secrets of mine..something i've only told a hand full of people, but now i will tell you....sooo a handful plus three?

i have always wanted to be a frontman for a band, a coverband at that - mainly because i have no real talent as an artist - and you know, i'd even settle for an instrument, bass, drums, whatever...just to perform in front of a live crowd and allow them have a good time...to quote Almost Famous "You know what I do? I connect. I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off." that's all i wanna do...have fun

buuuuut that'll never happen..i can't sing and that's about that..soooo, there you go, what i'd really like to do with my life, i can't do, so that's why i don't ever tell anyone..cooool life huh

so dot dot dot rocked out from midnight til 3am, closing down the blue bird - granted they had a short intermission of about 15 minutes, long enough to use the bathroom and get some drinks....that's about the time my friends bailed on me too..they also had a three song encore..mind you they also claimed to have a whole new set for the next day's show..so..wow..

other stuff happened, but that's another blog..i just wanted to highlight the music part of it...that's what put me in a good mood the rest of my stay in btown, that's what put me in a good mood all day saturday...and that could have been why i made so much money on saturday...that, or i truly am a rockstar....

"i love how it may be 6 degrees in btown, but you'd never guess by what the girls are wearing.."

I Store Everything Up...

how am i not myself
how am i not myself?

i didn't sleep the best, but i'm not blaming anyone for that, i was just happy to have had a bed to sleep in. i kept waking up periodically through the night, i wasn't really tired, more of a hungover state, and a lot going through my mind as always. i was in a new place and my mind tries to take in everything it can, i'm like a puppy, way too excited...it didn't help matters that to start off the sleeping extravaganza i had one key and three doors to choose from, i got it right the first time thankfully. i woke up when Betty came rushing into her room a little after 10 to get ready for work, i would have left, but she told me to go back to sleep...i loved the dichotomy of our two characters, she probably went to sleep as late if not later than i, and here she is all bright and bubbly, and me, well, you all know how mornings treat me...

i think i go back to sleep, but who knows, i could have just laid there for the next two hours until i decided it was time to go. i hit up the post office on my way back to town, hoping there is another card with money in it from my paternal g'parents..no such luck, i'm happy with the first card though.

my next, and last stop in btown is my storage unit...normally i'll bring something down with me to put in, and i'll usually take something out as well...it's a nice even exchange, but this time i arrive empty handed...i will always make a stop if i am in town though...i never know what i may need and i never know whats in there...i don't like to spend a lot of time in the storage unit, in all actuality i don't even like going to my storage unit..i see it as a place where i threw my life when my life ended years ago...like so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions, i've bunched up my stuff and thrown it into a place not readily available to myself or those around me. digging through my cluster just reminds me of times long ago, i see items i had long forgotten all about. i remember the first time i took buttercup to my storage unit, she was in awe of all that i had, i recall her saying, "jason, if we ever get a place, we are all set, you already have everything we need to live, i thought you were joking" - the only joke here is that it's all in storage, everything.

i had the day off and i was in reality buying time, or killing time rather, both of which you can really do neither...i figured if i kept myself occupied in the storage unit, one of the several other people i contacted the past couple days would surely have time for me now..

i was in that storage unit for the better part of five hours, doing what i am not sure...everything that i did should not have taken five hours, but alas, it really did. i had something in me, so i started organizing the place up..it looked to appear that anytime i dropped anything off, i did just that, just dropped it off somewhere in the heap..and if i needed something, or went looking for something, it was all torn apart. today was my day to put it back together.

when i left CP near the end of '06 i put on my To-Do list to combine both storage units, the one in NWI and the one in Btown. At CP in '07 i knew that is was definitely a possibility given the knowledge of time and money from the previous year...but unlike at the end of '06, i did not take any break what-so-ever in '07...in fact i had three jobs in almost three states, with no days off..what a fool i was...

so here i sit, in my storage unit, rummaging through discarded memories held onto only to give myself some sort of past dimension, a dent in life so to speak, so as if when i die, i'll be remembered because of the stuff i have..not so much. we try to quantify things, give them a sense of purpose or meaning..could i live without the stuff in my storage, yeah, i'm doing it right now...it doesn't have much of an effect on me, and as i said before, i'm not even sure what is in there...and think, i have two of these units scattered across Indiana...now granted my other one is much smaller, but it is packed to the brim...it is also the cheaper one..but i wouldn't mind having an extra 30 bucks a month tell you what...

i really should combine the two..honestly...i just made all this room..well i guess that's why it's on the To-Do list, things i wish i would do, just never actually do because something stupid comes along

by the end i had two bags of trash and one paper bag to take with me filled with shit i just wanted to sort through....i found some of my old notebooks, or journals, with random tidbits here and there that made me giggle...i wanted to take them with me so i could sit and review some of the shit i wrote years ago and reflect, and probably wanna punch something..also something to note, in all those books i found at least one page where someone, a girl, and most recently the ex, had dedicated a sheet to tell me how great of a person i was or whatever..if only i could freeze frame that and see what i did then versus now...i'd probably be a better person...

after finding three notes and one card i yelled in my spacious box, "who the fuck am i? who the fuck was i..what the fuck?!" where did this person go..i heard all the time in '07 how my servers wanted the '06 jangus..how could a year had that much of an impact on me..did Hawai'i ruin me in some sort of way..i thought i was still the same person, i mean it felt like it, i still wore the same clothes, liked the same food, listened to the same music, even had the same ID...how the fuck did i change..

i remember asking people that all the time last year...the same people who wrote me those notes in '06 were the ones that were not fans of me in '07..what was so different....god i hated '07, i tried making everyone happy, and ended up pleasing nobody at all, and in the end, i was unhappy because nobody was happy. i even told buttercup to not get involved with me, forewarning her i was not capable of a relationship...

isn't it funny how we as people feel the need to protect others from ourselves...how many times has a girl used that line on me...how many times have i used that line on them....sure we may know ourselves at our worst to the fullest being the hardest self-critic and all, but who are we to stop someone from living their life? who the fuck are we to say, 'sorry no, i'll hurt you and i don't want that' you know what...that's fucking selfish...and you know what, you'll never get over that inability to 'hurt' someone else...and then you'll be hurting more than just yourself, you'll be hurting everyone.

after everyone made their excuses i jumped off the ledge pulling on the weathered yellow rope to assist down the large garage door to my storage unit. the door crashes to the ground making a loud noise and kicking up a bit of dust and dirt into the air. i slide the latch into place and maneuver the lock around to get it to stay. as the metal on the lock clicks i'm not only locking up my stuff, but i'm locking up memories - good times, bad times, times when btown and the people in it were something worthwhile...well, something to make me stay for two years..and something that makes me keep coming back....maybe it is just the memories.

"never is forever....forever, well that has limits"

My Day in Btown

And here I go again on my own
like a drifter i was born to walk alone

the day started as haphazardly as any day off would...me sleeping in, not wanting to get up..i don't think i even got up for the first two hours, i don't know how i didn't piss myself. i find myself at the computer, it's just a natural thing for me to do now-a-days; i wake up, move the mouse trackpad around with my finger, then depending on what i see, i'll sit up and bring the lappy on over.

i converse via aim to several friends of mine (some like to tease me though, lol) all the while i sit and think, what am i gonna do..i should have gone to Ohio, anything is a means to nothing. i don't feel like getting up and doing anything yet, it's all i wanna do...my phone starts ringing, it's from work, i know i don't wanna do that, so i just let it ring, today's my day off, and my daughter's wedding day...it's somewhere after two thirty, i've still yet to remove myself from the blankets when i get a text from Betty, she's asking about meeting up after 3..

i remember sending texts last night, trying to instill ideas of action into people's heads..one out of how many are my kind of odds....doesn't matter how many lame responses you don't receive, it's the one that comes back that counts. in her defense it wasn't that i didn't think she'd come through, i didn't think plans would come through, so i was a little surprised when i see her asking about meeting in less than an hour. problem, btown is an hour away, and i'm still a woken up mess, definitely in need of a good shower and comb over, or something...so i make plans, just pushing back the time a little and i'm on my way.

we meet and decide to catch a bite with drinks at a local hot spot, and just are luck, it's half off Wednesday...Betty is contemplating drinks and tells me she may just go easy and get beer..not for me, not tonight i order my double tangueray and tonic, short...she then orders a double jack and coke, tall, responding that she liked my style.

we sit, we drink, we eat, we drink, we talk, we drink...we talk about a lot, i enjoy my time with Betty, she's smart, can follow my stories, even my rapid speech - she's a happy girl, i've never known her to really be upset about anything, maybe we're not that close - i mean i'm sure she's had her tragic life experiences, who hasn't, but she shows no chips what-so-ever. in a round-about way i tell her how i'm drawn to her for some reason or another. i know we are just friends, i know she has a boyfriend, but i tell her there's something about her that says 'good person' that i like. i even go over the things i wouldn't normally like, making mention of random things only i could, and i could get away with. we both giggle at the mention of everything i just said, she knows she's a force to be reckoned with, either you roll with her or you stay at home...if you're lucky enough to get you hook into her, maybe you aren't so lucky, she'll just tire you out before you know it...maybe that's what i need?

i know Betty reads the blog, i know she'll read this, but that was another thing that was so alluring for me..anyone who can take the time out of their lives to use this as a device for reflection, or for laughter, or whatever - i have time for that. i forget at times when talking to people i know and start to tell stories with players referenced in my blog, i know in my head the person i am talking to knows of these people, i just forget to change their names to the fake names, or make the proper reference..

Betty eyes the nachos intensely as she sips from her straw, and strategically removes a chip from the mound of cheese and chicken; and then, it happens. i didn't want to talk about the ex, i rehearsed it going into this conversation how i would skate around it, but there's no point avoiding it anymore..prior to this moment i had been working on brushing by the topic to the point i wanted to just blurt it all out, but i had no lead in, so i sat and discussed other topics, until now.

i talk, she offers her insight and i just keep telling myself using her as a bounceboard, just how pointless the relationship was. whether this is me being sincere, me using that defense to feel better, whatever the case, i believe it because it's all i can at this point. i won't go into details right now, but that was my theme for the day - "it's stupid that i'm upset about the breakup, and what i hate is that i can't deal with it"

Betty's parents join us on a completely act of randomness, and soon Betty's boyfriend would join too. it starts to rain, so we became one of those tables who rushes inside to seek shelter and find a new table. once inside i realize i know one of the bartenders and ask our server to have her stop by..it's been ages since i've seen her, maybe a time a comedy caravan within the past year, but prior to that, who knows, last time i lived in btown?

now here's the point that's absolutely absurd, and i wish i could say i was making this up on part of being a horrible writer, but i digress, i cannot...our waitress was of Asian decent, and as more alcohol got into me, the more of an idiot i became..i asked the waitress what her major was, her response in stereotypical Asian fashion, mathematics and astronomy....and i'm right on the ball asking if she intended on joining NASA, all the while my thoughts are now into TJ's blog and how he has people from NASA checking in on him..well, she was thinking about NASA, but it's a really selective program so she said something else we couldn't understand...but it gets better..so later i ask my friend bartender what our waitresses names was, because, well, she never gave it and she had been serving us for a couple hours now..i kid you not, Saki Honda...i didn't believe it when i first heard it either - i thought it was some sort of nickname or joke name..no, when i called it aloud, our waitress responded..

The parents and boyfriend stayed for about two rounds and a pizza, and when the bill came Betty and I quickly grabbed it off the table..somehow we managed to acquire a bill of ninety dollars, on half off Wednesday..i was a little in shock, to which Betty replied with, we drank a lot jangus...

after the bill was paid everyone departed, but i stayed to talk with my bartender...i stayed long enough to get stamped so i could come back later..my next stop was visiting hippolover - it was her boyfriend's birthday, they were all celebrating down on one of the lanes of bowl, right off 17th..it was a good time, though i didn't bowl, the lover of hippos and i just talked about things - i went into 'how it's really just so stupid for me to be feeling hurt' lines i used earlier, maybe they were perfected by now because she agreed completely.

Hippolover reads the blog and has been a positive encouraging source for writing and the breakup...you know what would be fucked up, if these people really just invited me to hang out with them so i would write about them, so they could see their made up name...now that's funny, but hardly anywhere near the truth....maybe when i get thousands of hits a day that'll be the case.

bowling ends and i find myself back at Sports, this time its packed..the college hooligans have filled it up, what with their scantily clad outfits, douchebag guys, drinking spilling asses....i remember why i don't go out to bars anymore..and alone, what the fuck was i thinking..(i remember now why they said you had to be drunk before you went to Louie's) this is not my element and it's apparent to the patrons around...to the point where one drunk chick calls me out.

i eventually find my bartender..i came in just because i said i was going to, we chat quickly, she's not too busy, there are too many bartenders in her section..i ask for a lemonade, she gives me a pineapple juice..we end our conversation and i leave some money for my free drink as a tip before turning away..just as i take my second step i am stopped in my tracks by the deafening ringing of a bell, i look over my shoulder back in the direction i came, it's my bartender and she's mouthing the words 'thank you'. i blink as i nod my head and disappear into the crowd.

"cheer up, you look sad"

And then I lost $20

Memory Lane..
Fast Lane...

i can sit here and tell you every detail about the meeting with my father and his parents, a family that i haven't seen or heard from since i was 7 or 8, but i'll save it for another time...in all actuality it was supposed to be video documented by my somewhat recently purchased HD Camcorder..but as luck would have it, BOTH batteries, the regular and extended life, were completely dead....i find this odd since i always charge the batteries after any and all use..if they can't hold a charge for a month or two, then what's the fucking point in having them at all...i guess i should have checked them the night before i left, but i got home really late, and of course didn't go to sleep til late..so i used my 'digital-disposable' camera to film parts of it...most notable i did capture on film the first encounter with my grandfather....i would have liked to have gotten my father too, but i opted out due to the circumstances..

the meeting with my father was cut short, for some odd reason i knew it would be..so i headed off, back home, i accomplished what i was set out to do, and that's all i could do. as i approached Chicago on one of the highways i ran into a typical Chicago traffic jam, i'm used to this, i know i need to add on at least 30-45 minutes for construction, rush hour, non-rush hour but everyone's out driving, whatever, i will always stop on a highway in Chicago. up ahead to my left i notice one of those Fancy Express lanes that have the barricades coming out from the wall saying to not enter, and the signs letting drivers know the express lane is closed..i thought to myself, why can't that be open now, i'm stopped...and if by some sort of divine intervention, those very same barricades i mentioned before started to pull back...the billboard flipped over and said open..i didn't know if it was for reals or not..i hesitated but then saw cars in front of me pulling left and trying to get on that express way..i quickly joined in thinking, maybe everything does work out for the Jangus...

i eventually make it into Indiana, and i make pretty good time...it helped that i chased some bitch in a brand new BMW on I-65...well, she was going 80-85 at times, and i haven't drove that much over the speed limit in forever, so i figured, why not..so i followed her lead..she spread me with her windshield wiper fluid, then threw out a cigarette....then she sprayed perfume at me...it was a little weird, but i knew our speed friendship would be over soon, i figured she would pull off at the Purdue exit, and then she did..

i get home, quickly change, unload my car, and confirm that i am going to the party, err, 'get-together' the ladies down in Btown are having...after this week, i think i am entitled to a drink. i stop for fourth meal and continue south...this time not speeding, i don't need any martinsvillian hunting me down..

i arrive at my destination, people are surprised to see me, i'm happy to actually see familiar faces. it's a cas-lax affair, low key but good, we have plenty of fun with the drinking games - start out by turning Loser (my favorite board game in the world) into a drinking game, and then finish off with circle of death...which, if you followed my twitter updates, you saw that everything i said had to end with, "in bed" - the fortune cookie rule if you will.

we move the fun to the bars around 130, Dpants and I haven't had an AMF in a hot minute, so Upstairs it was. being back in that place brought about so many memories and emotions...i remember at the time living in Btown, i did not like Btown at all..but when you look back on things, you have a sort of selective memory, only pulling out the really good or the really bad..tonight took the most glorious one minute segments from every night i was out and smashed them together to make one grandiose memory. i used to do this all the time, or so it looks like in my head, i used to have fun (really?), going out, hanging out, doing things..for a moment i want it all back..i wish i were still living in Btown, still had the same old OG crew to roll with..that crowd was something similar of a cosmic alignment..a great group of people who all went out and did stuff together, despite cliques or differences, when we partied, we all partied..you can make reference to that group like you would a sports team, saying the 97 Bulls were the greatest, and so forth..there'll never be a group like the '05 OG crew ever again..and that's the memory i keep wanting to play out and relive...

the bars close at 3..everywhere i go it's something different..we assemble outside, i'm hungry and make a mention of Rockits Pizza, it goes over well with the crowd...for some reason i go to the ATM to withdraw cash (for pizza?), i get $20 out, and it was the last time i saw the $20..i didn't use it on pizza either..

We make it to Rockits, grab a booth by the window and watch a crazy lady molest the pizza vendor outside..she would later come in and questioning as to why we were all starring at her..and me being me, start taking more photos, which of course is always bound to piss someone off, this time, it was the lady's guy friend...one of the members from our group was already interacting with them, and i overheard the conversation about my stupid ass taking pictures of him..well, the guy delayed just long enough for me to pop out my memory card, pacing it into my pocket, and start shooting again...so that when he grabbed the camera, he would see pics of all us, but none of him...everything went off without a hitch thanks to some quick thinking of both our parts..

after getting enough of NY style pizza, it was time to head back to the ladies' place..we may have left someone behind, we may not have...error in communication i guess, but what can you do..back at the apartment Dpants called the couch and the ladies were going to have me sleep in a chair. i wasn't having any of that, so i made fort on three inches on the edge of a bed of my friends..she was reluctant at first - scooting over as she told me to sleep with someone else - but i had my own blanket, and vowed to stay on my side....fuck the chair shit..i just needed something soft and horizontal..i wasn't drunk enough to roll over and play with her boobies, god willing, i just wanted to sleep, and i did...and the tree was happy...

"something something..in bed"