Unrewarding Profit

right is wrong,

wrong is to write

bottom line is i'll be left over.

I've been wanting to write lately..most of it is short quips, conversation pieces, thoughts, questions..nothing substantial..I never feel as if those are 'good enough' to be post-worthy, as if somehow the numerical value of words put forth onto the screen somehow directly relates to the self-worth of the post...tell that to Ulysses...

And most of those random bits are part of a larger conversation, ones I'd wish to have with you. Of course none of this at the present time is authorized to be said, so i have to bite my fingers on all this...and wait.

When the time does come, the results finally come back from the lab or wherever DNA is unionized; the flood gates will break, of this I promise you. And when those results come back and I am cleared of any ludicrous claims, justice rightfully being served..it still won't change a thing.

Yet again I will have "won" another round, while losing what really mattered to me in the process. Sure it's a win on paper, but i still have to live with the rocks being thrown. Yeah, it's an epic battle that was won, but the war is already over...and the only thing i've won is to live another day, to see another stupid battle.

There's so many little lessons in this - "winning isn't everything" can come to mind..i never thought these situations were possible, I've never heard of such a possibility. I sue for my dog. I win in court. Don't get dog back. - I get accused of sexual assault. Tests come back negative. Girl still believes her fairytale. Frankly, my Win-Loss column is very confused.

The whole argument is just one big affirmation that I'm correct, but fuck you. Like a pre-season win..sure you won, but who honestly cares?! Like wining a game-show and coming home empty handed. If I'm not wining anything after I win, then for what is the purpose - I mean not to sound materialistic or anything, but if these are 'moral' victories; can it..the only lesson learned is that all this is taking it's toll on me.

and of course as my fingers hit the keys so do my lids close together. All night long I've just wanted sleep this off, i guess better late than never?

same goes for an apology.

"Well, it happens all the time. It's censored from our minds. You'll find out"

The Weekend

some posts

are just nothing

and so you get this

I spent the weekend, heavily medicated and heavily under the bottle. I won't go into details of the matter, but let's just continue with "i'm here, and I'm alive" Sometime this week I finished reading Lolita, took a few days off before I read, and finished, God Hates Us All. The next book..not sure, Great Gatsby? Possibly.

I wrote some things yesterday, late last night, well after my, well ,everything, was wearing off..i'll have to go back and check it out, not that it posted, i just know there's got to be huge gaps in whatever i came up with..

I'm feeling....tired. I can't focus on the thoughts I had earlier, and not that it troubles me, it's just whatever. Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep...but more than likely I'll wake up somewhere around 4am having to piss and move over into my bed, where I'll hit the huge pillow I brought over to eleviate my foot and face plant into the bed itself, making me feel as if I am crashing helplessly into hopelessness.

That's all i Got from this weekend, I survived, ain't that good enough?

"I'd say that's the plan, but lord knows how well my plans actually go through.."

You Don't Need To Title This

the post i wanna make

is the post i cannot make

so screw it

All this combination of meds and alcohol is starting to take its grips on me, shit right now i see four red squiggly lines...crap. All i will say is, Sailor Jerry (SJ but not the real SJ) and whatever I'm taking do not mix..especially in the afternoon...was it even after noon.i don't think so...

Whatever..the unDEr PRESSure.....the paIn..the everything is weighing dOwn oN me and I'm starting to lash out. It's getting bad, at least today was.

I had been awake since 730, don't ask me for what, I just was. I needed to get my car to the shop so my radiator could be replaced - they opened at 8 so i started to get myself together hoping to be in and out..of course i get there 30 minutes after they open and some other motivated individual has beaten me to the punch. I wait in the lobby with my foot propped up in the opposing chair and start a new book.

Seven chapters and 80 pages later my car is ready, and it's about time because I'm starving. As i make my way back home I figure I better stop somewhere and grab a bit..of course all the meds i need to take with food are back at the house, so it looks like take out is my only option. Since today was cinco de mayo I figured I'd go with the festive flow and get some Taco Bell, that's being multi-cultural right? Get back to my place, dig in, pouring a little SJ into the Dr Pepper I got in my combo meal. I should feel better knowing I have medical personel on hand..

i stop caring. since i can't rely on fucking medical doctors to care about my condition, why should i. and since i don't care, i don't expect anyone else to either.

LAter I somehow find myself at the church down the road, the one i volunteer at, the mission. I hobble along, making conversation with those who spot me, despite my incognito disguise - sunglasses and crutches don't cover the eminence that is me I guess. I make my way from the sun into the dark and dimly lit temple..stumbling along the way to the end...

I kneeled down, slowly, bracing myself like one does going into a pool. Placing my crutches to my left my sunglasses fall back down upon my face, covering my eyes. i leave them there, little did i know that was the right thing to do. i shut my lids and have a conversation with, someone..it's mumbled audibly, so one could overhear it if one were next to me, however, it's mumbles so i doubt anyone could really make it out. I try to ask for strength, for help, but i can't..i just can't. I'm conflicted with so many other things that it'd be selfish to ask for any bit of help, even on this.

I having a dying grandmother, that the doctors don't know what's wrong with her, who has endured a lot - she's beat off cancer once before - She's in the right trying to fight off death while i'm in the left with this..i can only ask that things go well for her. And I pray for my other family members, people in my life, and of course, her. As crazy as I'll be called, I still pray that she's doing ok..that's she's happy, or at least being able to deal with whatever fucked up craziness she's conjured in her head.

All this brings me to tears, which is about the time I thank the glasses for falling onto my face. I slowly compose myself, grab ahold of the crutches to my left and stand up. I hop on down the long aisle, hit by various rays of sunlight emitting through the upper windows, and procede outside.

I think about everyone, think about how i'm systematically pushing everyone out right now. I think about my "chubby" nurse who flocks with the same pigs. How I haven't heard from her in a month now..probably because of something I said, calling her out or what have you..I think about my CBad friend I upset the night prior, never apologizing for the words I said, only saying "ugh" when I found out i hurt her feelings.

I think about my know it all bitch ass 22 year old friend who is currently mad at me..because i called her out, or something along the lines. I hope she's ok as well, though by her lack of calling me I'm to bet that her world is a hot mess - I've realized that during her lapses in communication she goes off the deep end, not contacting me because, as she puts it "i'll judge" - or in other terms, call her out on her bullshit and try to give her real world advice that she obviously doesn't want to hear. I'm the one friend she knows she can count on for that, and most of the time people won't show up on your doorstep until they crash into the bedrock...there like the Catholic version of friends...trying to find repentance a little too late, for me at least.

i go back to the car and continue reading..the irony of reading a booked entitled "God Hates Us All" at the mission..i don't have much else to do with the day, and keeping me away from my home means keeping away from my means, so it works out for everyone. Eventually I sober up and drive home..I don't write this post until much much later, because honestly..it would have been too much for anyone to read..and i doubt i would have posted it..

So there you have a fraction of the day's thoughts in a few lame words.

"Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn"

April

30

days

What are you waiting for

Here I lay, wasting on the final day of the month, a month that is supposed to be celebratory in nature. A month that opens with tricks and lies in the name of a gowk; then ends in an opposing fashion, as if by chance some form of Gregorian redemption. Truth is I found a month to beat any reigning champion Mr. November.

In a month that carried over a certain inamorata ambiguity, turned a snow white ball of zeal and tossed it from Mt Olympus. Never before have I endured such a twisting, spinning sensation.

Even before my arrival day I was given the role as the spouse Joseph. This immaculate news was bugging to the conscious as for the next five days I'd spend pouring my heart out to anyone on tap; all the while trying to reconnect to an intercepted call to Katz.

Though after those five excruciating days, any whispers of Jack and the Beanstalk were graciously sanctified, but only at the juvenile disclosure of felonious finger pointing.

To go into great depths in the matter at hand is far too premature, despite my truthful salaciousness.

The next crippling blow would fall just a fortnight later. A maple floor with two bruisers would throw a wrench on my fast break to the ending of the game.

Leading to my chanty febrility condition, and in attempt to prevent a decubitus ulcer I rode a Pony til the fervor reached her too, as an unbeknownst bleeding dried her up - and the hot water I found myself in resonated all too at home.

The conclusion of a cursed month does not come with any cerebral celebration, nay, as the exodus moves right into the remembrance of my dearly departed; The Jangus' best friend.

Not certain how much more I can Put-on, as I am running low on these Caps.

"pains"

Sundays

Reiny Daze

bring hopeless haze

Come in with the Rain

Oft I'm asked what is it I do with my time off, my down time, when I'm not..doing whatever it is I do - those moments I'm not loving, I'm not fighting, I'm barely breathing. Though I don't have a clear answer, I can somewhat provide an umbrella on this cumulous question.

It doesn't rain much here in California, but Lord it pours back home; and in an effort to bring a little bit of happiness in my world here I lit upon a nifty website that allows me to do just that. I load this site up, lower my volume down (to three or five), and I'm left to enjoy my night right.

And on those occasions I want to curl up with a Good Book I like the addition of some gentle music in the background - I found light Jazz works the best - especially if you have some classic novel in the Palms of you Hands. Just put that on repeat, or have Pandora work the magic for you (though I'm not a fan of the advertisements for times and adventures I no longer wish to partake in).

And sometimes I write (sometimes).

"..Once In A While"

Stop the Presses

actually no,

let them roll

because, ah crap

I know I was told I shouldn't blog, I know I told everyone I stopped for a minute, but you know what...I just stopped caring. So this post isn't about me or you or whomever...nobody can come back and twist my words around in some playful way to support their own agenda..I've got a lot on my mind and I'll be damned if I'm gonna continue to be a prisoner behind these walls much longer.

I sit here in pain and I so much want to complain. The vicodin should be starting to kick in and hopefully shortly i'll be passing out. I want to tell you all about the stories in my life right now, but probably don't because I'm tired of living them everyday.

I've become exhausted with everything running through my mind constantly, and with my most recent injury it makes it all that much harder to keep up.

I'm leaving something out...but it's ok, it's better this way they said. My trash is full yet I can't take it out.

I'm missing something...i'll just let time sort it all out, because even when a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds..

I'm losing but definitely not forgotten something something

maybe the mayans were right, maybe the world will end this year...they just never said for whom

"[I am]Foolish maybe...I want answers, "crazy" is not an answer.."

Continued

every day..

just more days...

It's week two of the allegations against me. Everyday is another day. Another day of torture that is. It starts with waking up. An alarm goes off shortly after I finally do pass out; all night long I lay in bed and wonder why, why is this happening. I try to think of other things, but it's consumed me, whether I want it to or not. Too tired to get out of the bed the second alarm I set goes off some ten minutes later; I still refuse to rise and face the day. Eventually I pull myself together, struggling to get out of bed. In the bathroom I wash the tried from my eyes, the blur allows me to not see myself. I put my hair back down, get dressed and head to work. And from there it just continues, like the day.

As I sit at my desk I feel the weight of the conspiracies piling up. As I walk to get water from the cooler I can sense the eyes of discomfort on me. Though everyone says they are on my side and supportive, the fact remains I've been accused of a horrible crime, and it doesn't take an ivory hunter to find me.

All day long, somebody new, same questions.

Not Allowed

not supposed to

urged not to..

but what do i know anyway

I've come to realize it doesn't really matter what I do; good, bad, nothing...something horrible is bound to come from it. This is just an update...just to update...to prove that I don't just blog when things are good or bad or whatever..

I've got a lot to say, and I was working on "Our Story" - a recap of a what I believed to be a true love story occurring one special night...little did i know that night would be our demise?

the best night turned into the worst night somehow.

"I've never been more comfortable in my life than in that bed with you..."

To The Roommate of the Girl in Room Number 238

a kind request..

kinda..

Once you've passed the point of no return, there's no reason to hold back..

I don't know if you'll get this or if you're even going to read this or anything at all but nevertheless, I'll continue. Though I've never met you, you've somehow formed this hatred towards me. We may have talked on the phone for a few minutes, but that's been the extent of our communication...so I'm really at a dead-end as to why you hate me so much..maybe 'hate' is too strong of a word, maybe you use other words, but from my end that's definitely how it appears. I don't know what I've done to you personally to cause these problems, and I've wanted nothing more than to try and resolve them. I always asked Tink to let me talk to you, but she said you would never have it. So now I'm coming to you personally, in a way I guess.

Maybe you have some grand reason, maybe I'm just unaware of the crimes I've committed, but as of now, and always, I'm in the dark. I'm upset that you hate me so, but I'm also upset that you try to control your friend's life. Why you can't respect your friend's non-harmful decisions. Why do you see it fit to be dramatic and cause problems when there are none to between her and I. And don't sit there and act like none of what I am saying is true, Tink always had to leave the room or hang up the phone when she was talking to me because you didn't like it. What kind of friend does that?

Yes, a friend should be there for another friend..should encourage them to do right things..help them in their times of need..should be able to voice their opinion on matters, but also know when to back away. This is the part you failed. You could've hated me all you wanted, and I would have tried to work on that, but you interfered with Tink and I's relationship. Making threats and ultimatums is not cool. I've never seen or heard of anyone so bent out of shape about someone dating someone else, especially someone as irreproachable as myself.

I made Tink happy. I was good to her. I never did anything to harm, impair, compromise...yet you still have reservations. Whether you liked me or not, whether you thought I was horrible or not, that Tink shouldn't be with me or not...you should have said your peace, then, that's it. Let her find out on her own if she is supposed to be with me or not..because it's obvious that she does want to, but can't because of people like you dictating her life. She doesn't want to cause problems with people in her life, and neither do I.

I just have never seen anything like this before. A group of people so hell bent on destroying somebody else's happiness. You can make the claim that being with me caused her loads of stress, but that would bring me right back to you..for, without the ability to just live her life and be happy with me..with someone always interjecting, disrupting, it created that stress.

Enough, I've rambled enough. I wanted to contact you, to talk to you about things and I ended up letting my emotions get the best of me. I came out swinging and I'm sorry. Tink holds you and your opinion in high regards, and so that must mean something. I'm sure you're a great friend and I don't know what I did to cause us to get on the wrong foot..I've always wanted to remedy that. Whether you choose to believe it or not, but I love Tink…and I care about Tink greatly. I care about her and everything that makes her her. I would never change who she is, make her change who she is, negatively influence her, compromise her beliefs...I would have treated her like a princess, because that who she was to me.

Sorry for disturbing you with my message, I appreciate your time. I'd love to actually talk with you, but I don't see that happening. Regardless, enjoy your spring break.

Jangus

"...this should go over well..."

Sarah Can Fuck Off

let it out,

let it all out

let all the hostility out…

i don't care if what i'm about to say, have said, or will say offends you..it probably won't because you don't' read this anymore so it's whatever…it can't give you any more reason to hate me, because you already did that just fine without me ever doing anything wrong in the first place..

I never hated this person, I only disliked how she hated me without ever knowing me..how someone could be so judgmental yet supposedly adhering to the good word..

but now, as the tension flares, and the propaganda fills your ears, i've had it.

This person can sit there, claim to be a good friend of yours - yet talk shit on someone you care about..she sits there and claims to love god and his teachings, yet will smite me superficially...

***unfinished***

no fancy titles,

this is our story.

Nothing

dot,

dot,

dot.

Good evening readers. It's been a couple weeks since my last post, funny how I posted more when I was in a far away land..and of course since my last post things have happened - I am actually currently in the works of this epic post, but I needed to take a break form that, I guess..or maybe I lost all hope in that train of thought for the moment.

I just deleted that last sentence..interesting. I guess I have a knack for deleting things recently, or getting things deleted..something along those lines. I really am struggling with words..words that actually make complete sentences...i guess i cannot say "I am without words" because even when I am, such as a time like now, I still find someway to force them.

Despite my shortcomings I push through.bah, even as i type that sentence I hate the wording...I'm losing my touch..losing my touch with everything. This is just an update, nothing more..

I'm alive, that is all.

"oh i suppose i'll put something witty down here..."

Rocking the R.O.K.

fast facts..
fun facts..

the more you know….

Ok, so while out here in Korea I'm trying to dive into the culture as most as possible…learning a few words, socialisms, things like that…just trying to fit in i guess..but one thing I came across while reading some Korean hand-guide was an interesting fact about the flag..

insert picture here

ok, so check this out..each one of those outer blocks of lines means something..my favorite two are in the upper left hand corner, and the bottom opposite corner. The top - one with three full lines - represents Heaven. It's counter part, the one with six each dashes represents Earth.

Now it gets even cooler than that! The word for Heaven is Geon…and the word for Earth is Gon….ONE LETTER OFF! How Awesome?!

It also stands for Father/Mother..East/West..Spring/Summer....just some random cool things...

Ok, am I the only one who gets excited over things like this?! I think it's really freaking cool and I love little things like this..

ok, cultural hour is over, I now return you back to bla.







"Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth. They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth."

I Miss You

between a rock,
and a hard place…

what to do what to do oh what to do…

The other day I sat down in front of my computer and typed away…nothing special, and sadly nothing nobody will ever see..it's actually something I've been doing every day regardless. But it was the content of meaning in which I wrote that would only be the surreal foreshadowing that only my writing could do.

You see, I asked a question to..myself…*looksaround*..but it was more I asked it outward wanting an answer to, and for, myself. I would receive that answer just a day later. But, what's even stranger is, it was in those moments that I was asking the question that somebody was already typing the answer…the very answer I would receive the next day in a text.

How is this even possible - how is it that someone that is yearning for some sort of answer, whether good or bad, just something..how is it that while this person is taking the time to physically ask the question, the question that is burning in his mind, to bring it forth, making it something substantial…that very answer he longs for is being materialized at that very same instant half way across the world..

but that's right, in this situation, we only believe coincidence, right right…moving on

well not really.

Anyway..So now I am left with what to do..I got the answer I wanted, not just an answer, but the answer that's most favorable to my emotions, to me. Naturally I chased after it, but seeing how it was sent days earlier that person has had time to build walls back up, to fool herself into thinking it was all a mistake, and is beating herself up for letting her guard down, for giving in..and now, now she won't reply..

So what's next? My friend asked me what I would typically do in this situation..I said it varies..varies on the situation and the girl..maybe i'd chase, maybe i'd be annoyed, maybe i'd ignore, maybe i'd tell 'em to fuck off and die…it all depends…but one thing is for certain, I always go with the gut feeling..I go with how I am feeling to that situation…

And in this particular situation..I want to chase it..but then again, I want to respect the other person and give them the space they so said they desire..but the feelings are obviously there, it's there whether you try to bury deep down in places you don't talk about to friends..it's there and it's not going away…so do i wait for them to spike again, hoping to have better timing and catch it as it comes my way…or do I pursue, attack, go after with some sort of Hail Mary last ditch effort…

Right now I have nothing…so the ball is in your court…..





"People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but it's actually the good ones that drive you insane"

Unfinished

Why didn't these make the cut
what could have been

what is and what never shall be

I just posted some unfinished/unpublished posts..that are NEW..never before seen...just a matter of, where..or, when rather...

well, here's one..funny it's about the truth..not so funny it's from November..

Alright, that is all...








"So I says to Mabel I says..."

Rules We Live by

Never Give Up,
Never Surrender

funny how this carries over into all aspects of life.

As a member of the services, especially the Marines, there are a lot of guidelines, policies, procedures, rules, etc that we are to adhere to. Did you know there are actually policies put in place for should you get captured? But of course that is something we strive not let happen, as my subtle title thing indicates.

I guess I was born a fighter, I don't know how else to explain how I am what I am today..it's not like I had brothers or sisters I had to constantly do battle with. It's not like I had a male figure head to battle with (clarification, I love my grandfather more than anything, he just was working two jobs and wasn't around as much..but he did everything he could, and more). I don't recall getting into many fights as a child; I remember being competitive, I remember having a temper..but fighting, hmmm. So that leads me to where we are now, I was born this way.

What I hate the most is the phrase "I'm a lover, not a fighter" - as if those who fight are incapable of loving. On the contrary, I fight for what I love. To me, that statement, I'm a lover not a fighter, just means you'll go about peacefully when something you love is taken, damaged, hurt, destroyed..you'll just lay down, putting up no resistance. So to me, being a fighter could be the best of both worlds - I'm definitely a lover, but I'll definitely put up a fight as well.

Call me stubborn, relentless, ridiculous, whatever…I just don't stop, in fact you could say I never stop. But wouldn't you rather have someone that will fight for you, than to have someone just sit there and watch you try to walk out of their life.

There's a saying, "All's fair in Love and War", so wouldn't the policies I live by for War, aka work, apply to when I'm in Love..especially when Love becomes War?

I don't know..maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm what's wrong, or who's wrong..maybe..but regardless I'll keeping doing what I do, what I know to do, what I've always done...Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.

I'll be here, solitary stagnant.







"I'd rather be with the wrong person for the right reasons, Then the right person for the wrong reasons."

Guess I Got My Answer

In the future..
but posting presently..

not understanding the logic behind it all

So apparently Blogger still has me locked onto CONUS time..whether it's east or west coast time I'm not certain, I think I may have updated it to West, but who knows...so my posts are like a day late pretty much..

cool story.







"The heart wants what it wants... There's no logic to those things."

And Another Thing…

sometimes I shouldn't blog when i'm in a mood
yet, sometimes that's the best time..

In the process of you trying to make me hate you, you just end up looking like a whore

I recently made a blog about the strange occurrences that happen to women after I date them..I guess I may have accidentally left a few out. So, in continuation fashion as best as I can do, let's move right into some other the other, lesser qualities you'll embrace.

This unbecoming unbridled sense of entitlement. It's been said before by several pasts that I have this obscure ability to get close to people. As one friend stated "I've never seen anyone connect with complete stranger like you do." I make people feel comfortable. I the process I attack their weak spots and make them stronger. Most of my pasts I've been able to make overcome certain fears, or do certain things they were too scared to do..basically, I come in and help make people better in a way. As someone once told me, "You turn shit into gold."

But it seems that as soon as I am no longer in the picture, those pasts try to continue on with the abilities I've given them. Now they are no longer self conscience about their bodies, or looks, or this, or that…they feel like their are top shit, when in reality, they are just amounting themselves back down to shit. Yes I was there to help, and yes that's ultimately what I want - but of course there are real world applications to make you look like a whore.

Sure while we are dating you'll send me a pic of yourself that's slightly risque, but after we are through, to see a much more racy picture you gladly boast on the internet is a little off-putting. It's one thing to be proud, but it's another to be smutty just for the attention you are now lacking…but of course you need anything you can to fill the void..

Speaking of filling the void…with all these walls I've broken down, me doing all the work, now you can just go out an be a whore for any Joe off the street..why not, you had your love you always wanted, now it's time to spread those..wings *cough* and fly away..

Funny how you will end the relationship saying, "it's not what you want" or "you don't have time for a relationship" or what ever other lame ass excuse you can really come up with, when, but a week later you're riding some other guy's dick, who, just so happens to be your new boyfriend.

wow.

funny timing wouldn't you say..convenient..or you're just chockablock full of lies…either way, you're still a bad person. Way to blow.

And along with this "empowerment" is this other facade women put up about being "happy". It usually goes something along the lines of "I haven't been this happy in a loooong time" or some crap. As if they are implying the removal of me from their life has been like a dark cloud pushed away by the shining sun…as if I am somehow this abomination of happiness.

Really?…because when we were together you claimed to be happy, probably the happiest or most loved you've ever been..and when times got rough for you, who did you turn to, to make you happy, to make you smile, who was constantly there for you. Who could, just by speaking, make your day brighter.

oh yeah, that's right..me.

This blasphemous rhetoric is pure diatribe against me in hopes of them shutting out something as wonderful as they had with me…because deep down they know the truth, they know they've made a mistake, because by propagating this propaganda to everyone around them, they too will believe this force-fed tripe of a lie, and continue marching blindly forward.

It's all cool though..I've seen it a million times before…it's just a horrible way to go out..especially when you end up proving that you're just as good as everyone else that came before you. I'm not angry, no, it happens.

Let's just hope it doesn't befall again.







"I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

Question..

what happens..
to these posts..

if I'm posting from the future?

So ever since I got to Korea I've been saying that I'm from the future..it happens in like every single text message. I'd currently Saturday afternoon here..which means it's like Friday night back home..

so my question is….If I were to make this post right now, and somebody from back home were to view it a few minutes after I posted it..it would show up right, and it would show from the future time to them…

I question this only because in the past I've woe posts, but changed the time to post for a future time/date…and it would sit there, pending, until that time came…

but in this instance, i'm posting in my current time, just future time for anyone else…so the dates they read with what I wrote wouldn't correspond necessarily…

ok, this has been a brain melt that has last long enough, good day.







"sometimes you have to travel a million miles, see a million faces to realize the answer to all your questions was right there the whole time"

Seoul-less

what defines you,
may not define me.

the blog about spirituality..

Apparently I don't show my emotions very well…and yet at the same time they are over the top as well - story of my life, being on both sides of the spectrum at once.

When I do have outbursts of emotions, those around tend to find them too intense, dramatic, over the top, etc…maybe they are just used to me not being..responsive. I tend to get excited at random things, quickly change emotions, whatever..it's just me and that's all I can really say. I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say what I say, it's just the emotions speaking through me..

In other cases, people think i'm not sensitive enough..not showing the "proper" emotion or response for whatever said situation. I don't even know how these two are pulled off in conjunction with one another, but I do what I do.

I'm reminded of any concert I've ever gone to; specifically for this scenario let's use Muse. Muse is easily in my top five bands current, and in my top for bands of all time ("all time!" ~ Kanye). Now, I have seen Muse in concert on five different occasions, ranging from 2005 to 2011; and I always go on about what an amazing show they put on, the Pink Floyd of their time, etc. I've taken different people to go every time, and like a drug, they get hooked too.

However, each time I go, people question my love for Muse. They hear me days before the show, leading up to it how awesome it's going to be..they hear me talking after the show of how great it was, these aren't of concerns…but rather, what happens during the show is why they question it.

I guess you could say I play the part of the guy who was drug there and doesn't know who's playing. I stand there..i may slightly bob my head, i may smile, i'll definitely tap my foot, and i'll take pics/videos…i don't get all hyped up, I don't dance, scream, or go crazy like some people..i just register it all internally and live in that awesome moment..soaking it all up..taking it in..enjoying the bliss of it all. (Di-id you catch that…)

Now, if you don't recall or don't know me that well, I LOVE music…to me, music does for the soul what morphine does to the brain. When asked what I would miss during my three months at boot camp; iphone, internet, gf, whatever..my answer, without hesitation was, music.

Hands down music is a vital necessity to my life. I may not be able to actually play or make music like i would love, but despite those disparities, I still love music. It is able to cope with all emotions; happy, sad, in love, out of love, etc..music..music does wonders for me. And although I may not express it like someone else, music is a HUGE part of my life.

The same is true for God.

I may not go knocking door to door, stand on the corner preaching, or even go to church every sunday. I may not make every Twitter status update praising the Lord, or push my beliefs onto other people, or do any of that over the top stuff (and to be completely honest with you, I find all that stuff to be annoyingly fake).

My interpretations and teachings I've had all tell me the same thing; you don't have to let everyone know you're a Christian to be a good Christian. You don't have to be seen in church, you don't have to boast about to everyone about the Lord, you don't have to tell everyone the good deeds you're doing for Him..that's not what it's all about. Essentially, you're not supposed to be asking for praise while here on Earth..meaning, I don't need to tell you what I gave up for Lent every five minutes in hopes that you feel guilty you're not doing something, or to have you think I'm a better Christian, or whatever

I don't always go to church, but when I do, I don't throw my hands up in the air and scream out Hallelujah! I don't push my beliefs or insult other's views with my own, but I will speak of the Lord and reference the Bible to those who do believe. I may not do the things in that respect, I may not let it be known externally, rather it's all internal - like at a concert. Just as I am in the concert, in that spiritual nirvana that nobody else in the world knows about but me; I am the same with God..the only difference is, He also knows.

So just because it may not appear to be whatever you want it to be on paper, whatever you think the SOP is for loving God, obviously you're doing it wrong and better go back to check it out.

As T. Waits would say, I got my own special way..








"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30"