No More Driving

finally a day of rest..
shabbott anyone?

it's a Saturday and i am not scheduled to work today, it'd be a good thing had i requested it off, but alas, i did not. it's funny because the ex has stated on multiple occasion how our breakup has been the best thing for me, my luck is really turning around - right, i've been getting Friday's and Saturday's off, which may be all fun and games for most people, but in my line of work those are the clutch days you need to have...let's not forget my non-transfer to MI, the lost and confused state of mind i've been in for a month now...'but you're doing things you've always wanted to do' - in all actuality i've been doing the same thing i've been doing for the past year - i got to work, and if i'm not at work i sit in my room, Indy has nothing for me, and without her present in my life, that's even less things to do....

but i do have something planned for the day, thank god, my friend Gary has invited me to play on his flag football team, i guess there were some people who went away this weekend or something - whatever the case he needed bodies to fill the spots..and i have had an itch to play sports again. i think it was my text to him on Wednesday, on that god forsaken trip to Detroit where i randomly im'ed him about playing in the soccer league he mentioned to me last week, and just as luck would have it, he needed me to play football this Saturday...

right before the game i went out and bought cleats and WR gloves, yeah, i'm a geek like that, but everyone else on the field had gloves too, so nahhhh. i played a decent game - for not having played in years. i dropped a pass that was thrown behind me, and the other time i made a cut right in front of the QB, there was no reason for me to drop it, i hated life...i did make a catch on offense before all that, so, yay..and i also made a huge catch towards the end of the game, where we went for the extra point after a touchdown - scoring this would have made it a two score lead - the pass was thrown into the endzone and one of my teammates couldn't hold onto the ball, so as it fell to the ground i was there, diving in, to catch it..i was happy.

but my favorite part of the game is defense..i would have had an interception had i not been out of bounds, but that was the only pass thrown to the guy i was covering, i'm just that good..we won the game and Gary's team stayed undefeated.

it was wicked hot out so i flew back home to hop in the shower...as i was parking some crazy guy came out and asked for a ride to the end of the street...i tried to shoo him away, but he was in my way to park...so he got in, i was pissed, blew threw the stop signs all the way to the end of the street...he then asked if i had a doobie i could sell him - "Get the fuck out of my car, now!" ...i flew back threw the stop signs to my house..i was not happy with that exchange..but the shower was good...

make note, because i did, but today was the only day other than Monday in the past week i did not travel a length greater than an hour...maybe round trip with all i did sure, but i didn't go to Chicago, i didn't go to Ohio, to Michigan, to anywhere but around Indy...i did drive, just not very far...

i spend the rest of the evening changing where i sit with my lappy, updating the blog (which is where the last four posts including this one came from..so i know i left out a lot of randomly cool stuff), just chillin'. sometime around 7 i get a call...i think it's those damn church bells down the street, nope, it's buttercup. she tells me she is passing through Indy, but isn't stopping..i try briefly to have her still come, telling i want to say goodbye to which she asks if i am going somewhere...

i go into how i cannot be friends with her at this moment in time, it's not fair to anyone, i hate to be all or nothing, but i want her in my life as something more than she wants, so any conversation or visits we have, will just make my heart drop each time. at first she doesn't understand, but eventually it all makes sense...we talk for the next hour, i explain a lot of things i wanted to do in person, and a lot i wanted to just leave in an email...

lately when i've been on the phone with her i find myself lost into the conversation - from an outside perspective i pace around the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. i lose track of everything else that was going on, time stands still, i am absolved into the conversation...about halfway through the conversation tonight i paused, realized i had been on my feet the entire time shuffling around and then it hit me, pain. before the phone ever rang i had been very cautious as to how i walked - the new shoes left me with very nice blisters on my feet, which caused me to walk on the sides of my feet..but take me out of my reality and have me talk to the ex, i'm running around the house as if nothing was the matter, the only pain that exists to me is in my heart not on my feet - until the call ends.

once again she tries to cut me off short, telling me the phone is dying and rather than finishing the conversation, she'll just tell me when she's coming to pick up her fridge and TV..this hits a nerve, i say to her, before you go i have one thing to tell you...i lay down for her the payment plan i created...asking that i will want on the 13th of every month a check to be in my po box with some sort of dollar amount, it can range from a penny to whatever you want..i say is two years ok for you...no answer..would three be better, it's only 4k, just let me know how long do you need...she asks why..why the thirteenth, well that date has it's significance it's not only your birthday, but, you'll understand...she gets upset, hangs the phone up...

i suppose i should have seen this coming, that's why i wanted to say this in person..i think it would have gone down a lot better...i try calling back and texting, no response, at least not for a couple minutes...she tells me i don't have to worry about saying goodbye because this is hers right now...she doesn't want to speak to me again...the next and last time i will see her is when she picks up her things..she asks for me to leave her alone...this is going splendid...

i write her a message on facebook right before i defriend her, i give her the link to this very blog...i tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, then she will visit this website..i told her i will know if she goes to the website as well, and that it will be an indication to me if what she says is true or if what i believe to be in my head is reality...my money is on her not visiting...

that's all i can do..i gave it 110%, she was giving nothing at the end - sure she may have been giving when we were together, but now we aren't together and here am i, pulling the weight of it all

on a lighter note i think it is funny that my room was cleaned to the fullest for a weekend that nobody ended seeing me, go figure...i also have noticed a change in myself - i have started to talk to myself, aloud ,to a greater degree. i can't really remember the exact last time i talked to myself in such significance, i mean i always have always will, but presently it seems i have more conversations with myself than...anyone else. it's probably been years that i've used a voice recorder to capture my rants, i see a much younger version of me doing these things and i question whether in the end it is healthy or not...

i like to bring the cats into the living room and talk to them...it's pretty much the same conversation i would have with myself, just with a little more interjection of 'what do you think?' i mean talking to yourself, or some inanimate object is one thing, but the cats...well, they are alive..they just can't respond other than meow....

maybe i'm going insane..i tell you..i try to overcome all this and i end up fucking myself over..i know time will ease things for me eventually, but it's just hell in the meantime..maybe i should get into a car wreck, go into coma or have amnesia...see, these are the thoughts that go through my mind...

i wanted closure, wanted to be able to give the last punch, tell the ex to fuck off and die in so many words, but she ended up doing that to me...so i'll never get the closure i need, i'll never come out victorious, i'll just keep pining, keep beating myself up...

back to my drive back home today, though it was rushed, i had a lot on my mind...it was a beautiful day out, i just finished a game of football, what could i possible be thinking of - leaving. as i rode I-70 east towards Indy the downtown buildings grew into larger perspective, my destination was only a few miles away, a quick trip, but i questioned why am i still here, why is this still my scenery. i hate it here, i hated it here when i was with the girl - she always felt bad about it, thinking i chose here to be with her, well i kinda did, but it was my own foolish decision - i'm not going to hold her responsible for what i do with myself. having her made living here a little more tolerable, whether she saw it or not, whether i said it not, it was really the only thing keeping me here....so what's keeping me here now...the no-go on the transfer, my fear of moving and change, the desire to stop running...you name it because your guess is as good as mine

i work at 8am tomorrow, it's getting late, i've already snapped today, sleep will help me prolong losing my mind..i've got a gyro in the fridge for tomorrow..i wonder if i am supposed to feed the cats...

G - You're the only guy i know who would show up to a football game with a penguin on his shirt
M - You said a black shirt...and it's the linux penguin..
G - The wha?
M - It's the mascot for a computer operating system
G - *shakes head* Even worse
M - It's..it's mental intimidation

Back to Reality...

where things suck...
and people suck more...

it's almost 9am on this Ohio morning..last night was the first night i was actually awoken by noises or people coming down the stairs..i wake up before my alarm goes off, and just lay there..i don't want to get up. my phone quacks and i shut it off, i know i have to get on my way now for if i don't, i'll just be angry i got off to a late start...i dress and gather my things. i double check to make sure i got it all before i go upstairs to wake TJ, letting him know i was leaving.

we say our goodbyes, and i drive off into the morning with my back to the rising sun. initially i made a wrong turn, getting onto the southbound ramp of the highway i needed, i fucking hate getting lost in places i am unfamiliar with..i supposed you really couldn't get lost if you knew where you were though, so whatever..i throw my worthless iphone around in the cabin of my car like a red-headed step child..had the window been open, that shit would have been electronic roadkill...

i make the necessary turn around and get back on track...i'm heading to indy, this time it's for reals. my friend joy texts me throughout my trip, i think she's the only one i know up at this hour...ok, maybe i know only two people..whatever..she eventually calls me after her breakfast and we talk..she tries to keep me on the straight and narrow path of forgetting my ex, exploiting all the wrongs that she did and continues to do...i feel like i am being brainwashed, but i drink from the Kool-Aid anyways..in desperate times we cling to what seems the most comforting - a bottle of booze, a cock inside ya, religion, whatever makes things easier on you...(in some cases, a mixture of what i just said)

i get on a kick and tell Joy that if when she is 35 and still not married, we'll do the deed - i think i've made promises like these before in life, but nobody i still talk to, so i'm good. she corrects me by changing the date, she tells me if she is 28 and not married yet, we will tie those knots. we pick today's date, well sorta, we originally pick today's date, but i check and find out October 12th is the Saturday, so we go with that...it makes me feel better, something said just to make me smile...

But five years? are you kidding me...like, we would need to start planning the wedding in four years..i don't feel as if that's enough time for me to move on and find someone else...five years flies by quickly..hell, i was with buttercup a year and a half...that didn't seem that long...four years will be here before i know it...

i've got cold feet already. i reach the Indiana boarder and i think what a horrible idea it would be to marry my friend Joy..had this been three years ago, when i said let's get married in a half-hearted whimsical fashion, sure...but things are different now...i've only been wanting to date the girl since i knew her, but as time passed, we forged a great friendship, one without the possibility for any sexual activity whatsoever - her making this decision long ago, and me accepting it a little later...we are both too similar to try and be in a relationship with one another - if there was a female version of me, she'd come pretty close..and well, that can't bode well...

back to my place, it's 230..just enough time to take it easy, a nice pace to get ready for work..

i stroll into work a little earlier than usual in hopes i can get some food..well, there was food available, it just wasn't that edible..in the process of trying to feed myself i turn to my right and who do i see - oh, it's pat...i sit down, ignoring him, but he eventually comes up to me, asking what happened with yesterday...i go through my side of the story...he doesn't remember a thing, he barley remembers speaking to soapy manager..he was so fucking blitzed out of his mind on drugs and alcohol he couldn't keep his word to take my shift...

it's not the first time i have been on the receiving end of the short stick from Pat...asshole. so he asks who's gonna be in trouble, word from the host staff tells me that we are both getting written up, but i know since it was my shift and not in the book officially for him to take it, it's all gonna be on me, but we'll see.

i'm on patio with another server, i make a vow that if i make 200 i'll go gambling...see, when i'm on patio, which is a lot, i hardly ever make money..soo i'm saying the odds are against me..get it..anyways...the night goes on, i deal with a table that tried to be fun, but are just assholes, i get the verbal tip from them on a $500 bill..had they tipped what they should have..in the end, i think i would have actually made 200...go figure, such is life.

i return home, funny no text messages in reply from last night...cool..i know my friend Carol isn't coming this weekend anymore, so i have the night to myself i suppose..i have tomorrow off, so i can stay up all night..but where's the fun in that..i am reminded of a conversation i had on Tuesday with Joy when she was talking about how she stays up all night, will take a cat nap, then be running on the treadmill and whatever..i responded with, "sounds like our (TJ and mine) lives..only with out the treadmill.." TJ interjects, "and the things to do.." ughh, i just want to sleep

i make a call on over to the ex, i want to see her tomorrow - i'm still a little upset i was dropped mid conversation then had no apology or explanatory text the next day, friends will do that, because friends care, right? then i shoot her a text because i got the voicemail..i ask for some things that i know are in her trunk, and i know she will be passing through Indy tomorrow..i ask for 15 minutes - she calls and tells me nothing is just 15 minutes with me...she asks what do i really want - i go off on a tangent about my father's visit...i waste 50 minutes of her time spilling my heart and true emotion from that weekend, i apologize for all the wrong i may have caused, and i start talking about our relationship..i honestly didn't want to go there, but it all bleeds together..she's tired and has had enough, she tells me she is going to bed and doesn't know if she'll stop by or not tomorrow...

i go about cleaning my room and starting laundry..it's well after 2am...i eventually stop the madness and go to sleep somewhere after 4, i have a big day tomorrow and i don't expect to see her either...

"the only thing you ever hear me say is 'i hate you'.."

Everybody Loves a..Birthday

Everyday's a special day...
but today, oh today..

you could have guessed this, and i'm sure you did, but we didn't wake up til after 3pm today..what a great way to start to the day..in our defense the drive to and from KB's took a heavy toll on us...i know i didn't drive any part of it, but as a good person i didn't fall asleep...i know how it sucks to be driving, late at night, just wanting to get home, and the person you are riding with someone smuggled aboard a pillow and blanket...way to be a co-pilot..this is not first class bitches...

anyways, it's time for bre...lun...food, so we head around the corner to Subway. i had just received an email informing me about a new chicken sub..and of course i got to try it...and as luck may have it, the infamous angry Subway worker is working today, nice. so of course i pull out all the charm the jangus can dish out and i'm actually able to maintain a conversation with this worker, she even smiled...hell, she even said goodbye..i'll take that as a victory..TJ just cheered me on telling me i was sooo money...

back at his crib we dined on our footlongs (god that sounds gay) and watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall...the movie makes me crack up every time i watch it, and i thought it was pretty good timing given my situation and all. I just need to put my P in a Va-Gee, or B my L all over some chicks T's...and have Mila Kunis fall in love with me....i suppose Patty will suffice..

after the movie, we still have time to kill before the Bday girl gets off work...so what do we do...go to the movie theater to watch another movie...at least we got out of the house this time..I won the coin toss so we watched my movie, American Carol, the Right-sided spoof on micheal moore...i don't know what was funnier, the movie or the yahoos behind us laughing their asses off about everything...

i used my charm school looks to upgrade the value meal TJ and I were getting to include slushies...err, slurpies..err, squishies..er, freeze frames....whatever - cherry iced goodness..i guess i have a thing with girls names Amber..

after the movie i have a missed call and a voicemail from my work...awesome, i can guarantee i already know what it says, but i listen anyways...it was my soapy boobied manager confused as to why neither myself, nor Pat was working..awesome. see yesterday, while in MI i made a call to a co-worker, one who i knew was willing to pick up shifts this week, and pretty sure thursday was one of the days he wanted. So i call, we talk, he says he would love to pick up my shift, and asks me the in time - i've never had the fortune of being scheduled anything other than 4 in my life - well, he tells me if it were at 530 it wouldn't be a problem, he's got some appointment or something, but again would love to have the shift..i want you to take note of how adamant he is about this shift. i tell him i'll give work a call, and it should not be a problem to get that switched over..and i do just that, soapy boobies allows for the exchange and the change up of in times, goes so far as to even out Pat on the floor plan she is making up in place of my name..nice

so i give Pat a call back, one ring, voicemail - i think i just got the fuck you button - so i leave a voicemail, telling him everything is a go, he's on the schedule at 530 and should there be any complications with it to give me a call before noon Thursday, allowing me enough time to get my happy ass back to Indy and work, and giving him a good 14 hours to give me a call back...

well, as it turns out, he doesn't get the voicemail, doesn't remember our conversation, nothing..i love the people i work with...so i talk to my manager, try to clear things up - she is one person who is a front-runner for me, only because i do as i am told and what is expected out of me, once you get on her bad side, watch out..i do my best to do it right or fix it fast...luckily for me she wasn't screwed over, and the night went off without a hitch...she tells me she is off for the next five days so my fate is in someone else's hands...greaaaaat...

a quick stop at Wal-Mart allows TJ to buy his friend a card, and for me to buy her a gift...a random gift at that..a mini-slinky..wrapped in the bag it came in. we trek on down to her place to pick her up - and even though we just down medium slurpies and a giant tub-o-popcorn, we are heading out to eat..

Dinner was..a tragic enjoyment...the waitress was absolutely horrible...i had little problem with leaving her 18 percent, i say little because i know just like every dog has their day, ever server has their fucked days..i was hoping this was her's and not her normal thing...god willing. i will note i had a double tangueray and tonic short, something i used to order and drink like it was water - my gin intake over this summer was greatly sub-par as i was still continuing with my winter drink of maker's Manhattan's well after spring..but as the chilled liquid goodness hit my lips all my painful thoughts are paralyzed.

as i said, the dinner itself was a good time..i truly hope Cindi enjoyed her birthday as i was not going to let any mediocre chicken Caesar salad get in the way of a birthday...she giggled, seemed to enjoy herself, but more times than not i'll hear about it the next day from my friend saying what an ass i was...i tried, i was my joyful self and well, that's all i can offer...

from the bee's of apple it was time to hit up a bar - not being from this neck of the woods is a nice thing for me, i get to sit out on decision making for a change. we pull up to some random place they argee on and as we park the car, a group of guys come out of the bar doors, notice a dead bird on the ground, continue to pick it up, hold it in the air, before they launch it into the stores windows in front of them..wow...

we go inside and belly up to the bar, order our round of drinks..i coax Cindi into taking a shot..something she does not like to do...so they make an easy shot, which she sips, but does finish off...for some reason the pool tables to my back are calling to me..so off to the side, in their own little room, all lit up..i don't play pool anymore, but it's something to do as Cindi starts to make comments that nobody is talking...

we play two games, Cindi wins both...she tries to tell me i threw the games..i'm one of the most competitive people out there..and to lose to a girl..are you kidding me? but i know she reads this so i'll leave it at that...

maybe i am changing..

after that we call it a night, drop Cindi back off at her place, and go 'home' - i call it home, i have a mother there that loves me too. i may have drank a lot tonight, for not drinking in the past..who knows, but i feel no effects of it, TJ doesn't need to take my phone away from me even though i start to text people, the ex specifically don't ask me why i did, but it just scored her marks anyways...she responded, then without notice left...coooool..time for bed.

"You come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding"

Miles for Michigan

I know my calculus...
but fuck numbers....

Here's a ratio for you..if the time spent traveling round trip, like flying, driving, etc..is more than the total time spent at the destination..the trip is probably not worth it...now granted there are a plethora of variables that can get mixed in...like how cool the destination is, what it is you are actually doing there, who you are seeing, if you get a blow job, things of that nature all make weight, but then i ask you still...did you really need to go the distance..

those were the questions TJ and I repeatedly asked ourselves today....our supposed 3 and a half hour trip to Detroit clocked well over the five hour mark, making things very uncomfortable for the animals in the car.

i hate being a passenger, i hate not having control, i sit there and think in my head all the things i would be doing differently, but i keep my mouth closed, nobody likes a backseat driver, especially one that's in the passengers seat...we were going through downtown Detroit..into rush hour and through construction...as a Chicago native i'm all too familiar with these situations..i love driving into Chicago, i just hate the traffic, but i'm used to it..like i just flip a switch, turn off Indiana driving and go into city mode..i'm usually in the batmobile so i have those cool gadgets and such...i pull the seat upright and forward, both hands on the wheel, and i'm ready to attack...nobody gets in front of me, and i'm always making my way into the progressive lanes...in the city you either play defense or you take it like a bitch...i will not do the other...

don't get me wrong, every once in awhile i'll get into a traffic jam and for some reason i'll just go off..maybe it's 90 out and my A/C is not working, i'm in a hurry, and the person next to me is nagging me...i'll blow a fuse then, but other than that, i know i'm going into a city, soon as i reach the townships limits, i'm golden....that was not the case with the driver today

everything that could have gone wrong almost did..detours, stopped traffic, rain, and minute after minute ticked away...it didn't help that the person we were seeing was not offering us the best set of directions, nor did she warn us about the construction..she just assumed we knew everything...granted it is TJ and I, but still

my favorite part was when i was on the phone with the friend in question and she told us to meet her downtown..just park somewhere, she couldn't explain downtown, but we'll know when we get there, and we can park everywhere....i remember both TJ and I then going off into a playful rant how downtown must be this huge parking lot with people running around with banners creaming at the top of their lungs, "WELCOME TO DOWNTOWN!"....it was the only lighthearted thing we could say as to not blow up...

we eventually come upon downtown, she could have just said downtown is like a kitschy old fashioned downtown that you may be used to..but it's an adventure, or some crap..we travel through downtown, turn around and park on the side of the street...lucky for us, the meter we parked at still had 30 minutes of time left on it, which was just enough to bring us to 6 o'clock, meaning free..the only thing that went right that day.

the girl finds us, somehow, i mean downtown is just one big parking lot, we could have been anywhere, but she locates us and we begin to walk...now i have a thing for local fare, meaning i don't like going to a new place and eating at some chain restaurant..i wanna eat what the locals eat...on the way through downtown the first time i noticed a little cute diner, and now that we were walking i could see it up in the distance...i wanted to eat there...Red Knapps...a Wanna-be Johnny Rockets fo' sho'..

once inside my thoughts were confirmed, it was one of those old fashioned diners, i have time for this. i order an egg salad sandwich (exactly what i got at JR when i worked there), KB got a grilled cheese, and TJ..a chili dog...the best one ever...or not. or waitress was nice, but old enough to be my daughter...but you know, when i'm in company of assholes they'll razz me about my younger taste in woman, KB went so far as to confirm the age of the girl approaching her away from the table in the way to the restroom...KB returns with a look of shock on her face, i know i'm right, this girl couldn't be legal if she tried, we just left it at that...i'll wait a couple years...

ughh, anyways, we finish up there and start walking through downtown, it's dark so it must be eight (LOL),we walk by the martial arts studio, then KB takes us down this pathway into a forest with a creek and..well, it was probably the scariest thing ever..no lights, i couldn't see, i thought for sure KB was going to invoke her revenge on to me and have me raped and murdered...why do i cross people and keep them in my phone book...

we all agree this is a crap idea, and decide to go back to her place..in reality TJ and I just want to rest, maybe sleep, but just relax...that car ride was taxing on us enough, we didn't want to walk, and taking 'pretty pictures' was out of the question.

so it was back to KB's where we saw her true colors..she kicked her sick sister out of the downstairs lounge area so we could watch a movie all the while having an argument with the sick sister...apparently there was a conversation between the two about getting food..KB returns 3 hours later with no food..thinking the sister would have said, wow it's been three hours, i'll get my own...whatever, i hid in the bathroom as the yell fest went on...whoops...

we watch some movie that terrifies me about anal rape for the rest of the evening..KB's roommate comes home as the movies finishes up, we have a good time talking and such, but KB wants to call it a night...it's somewhere around 1030 now...TJ and I will both be up for several more hours, easily..for whatever reason we decide to drive back home...

probably not the best idea...like fools we leave, and we try to see if I-70 is really torn up and we do not need the detour like all the signs suggest...we tried and failed..circled Detroit for awhile, then we followed the signs...it sucked...i was actually tired by 1, but we hadn't even hit the ohio boarder yet, or maybe we had, it just seemed like the night went on forever..

we eventually make it home, i passed out instantaneously..thank god i gave up my shift for tomorrow...

"I'm just going to shut up, because everytime i say something that you don't understand it pisses me off..and that's just not right"

Tuesday to TooJay

Long Day on short rest...
ughhhhh

My night's 'rest' was more like a power nap in all reality...not getting home til after midnight the night prior. i move my finger over my mousepad to wake my computer and lighten the room, hey, if i have to be awake, so should my compy...i notice several AIM boxes scattered on my screen and i starting thinking to myself, what the fuck happened, i've only been asleep for less than four hours, right? i rub my eyes, blinking them a couple times in order to focus to the text on the screen, they pretty much read all the same thing, "what a bitch"..this pulls me out o bed and upright, i know the ex has done something, now i have to scour the internet to figure it out..doesn't take long, just a post on my wall..calling me a liar and never wanting to speak to me again..we're still on that?

i tug on the cord leading from the lappy to my phone buried in the pillow now, text messages from the ex as well..coooool. she pretty much said the same thing in the text messages she said on my wall..i don't know what her deal is honestly...i'm not even fully aware of my surroundings, yet i find myself instantaneously responding back in defence for my character..i hate being accused of something wrongly...

my day gets under way, taking care of the necessary S's, and heading off to work..which was supposed to be a busy breakfast...a 10 top and a 30 top..we had three servers on, which was fine with me, until the 10 top went down to a 0 top and the 30 top went down to an 8 top....cooooool, i love when there are no minimums or cancellation charges..whatever, let's fuck the person lowest on the totem pole....

and of course i can't go a single shift without waiting on an asshole..well, today i got two of them...the first, and only one worth mentioning was a well to do man, in charge of a construction company that built some football stadium recently or something, who knows..well, i did not take his food order, he was too busy being more important for me when i greeted him, so i let him sit there..it was Joe who was called over and took the order, Joe just relayed it to me at the terminal. so his food comes up just moments later, i carry it out to the table and the gentleman in position two has a problem..he wants, rather, he demands that i go to the back and butter his toast for him, edge to edge with butter...oh, and heat it up too, it's cold..are you for reals? this man was completely capable of buttering his own toast, he wasn't elderly, missing the proper digits to perform such a task, no, he was just a complete asshole who wanted to demonstrate his power onto people around him...nice job loser, hope you liked your toast..wink..

lunch was no different in screwing me either...i was put on two parties with two other servers...i figured this would turn out to be the only money coming in today..maybe it was, but i was bent over once again...normally when the lunch 'rush' is over, everybody has to stay in order to help flip over the private dining rooms for the next event..yeah yeah, shouldn't those who are actually on the party later in the night do the work for their own party..would be nice, but not happening..well today is was not the case...two servers on a lunch/dinner double split, leaving me and the other breakfast people who had been at the restaurant at 6 to do all the dirty work...i want consistency, and the only thing that is consistent is me getting fucked over time and time again...i was out a little after 3..

nice...an hour behind in my schedule...so now running late, rushing to finish packing, already fuming from a bad day at work, i work myself into a tired fizzy, that coupled with the lack of sleep and 6am shift did't help, but i proceed to the road none-the-less...

in the beginning of the drive i was tired, but soon grew out of it, well, should rather say eventually..semi's were driving like assholes, and people in PT Cruisers were running me off the road....five hours later, and taking a detoured unknown route later, i arrived on TJ's doorstep.

i was hungry, having only eaten toast and the poached eggs some asshole from breakfast sent back to eat all day my plan was to get to Ohio as soon as possible and go out for dinner. i make a call to my friend Joy who i invited to dinner, TJ's friend's suck, make excuses, afraid of new people, confrontation, whatever, so, he'd be the third wheel in a sense he felt like..not really, i know better, we are all able to hold our own and if we all three got clicking, it'd be a blast...

we met at Rockne's..like Knute....right....it was indeed a good time...Joy ran to me as i got out of the car, jumped into my arms and i spun her around..i think she was excited? we ate our dinner, after finally picking out our selections, the waitress had to have hated us..after hanging out with Joy, i realized why i never let her hang out with me and my girlfriend at the time..she's very friendly, and most of the girl's a date i somehow give complexes to make them crazy jealous, more crazy and more jealous than the standard girl..i don't know what it is i do, just ooze raw sex appeal or what, who knows...

the night ends, we go back to TJ's and i continue to eat my salad for the next couple hours..we watch 21, gets me in the mood to play cards (funny, Nightmare on Elm Street got me in the mood to kill people...i guess movies do influence people...) we play on the internet like normal, and i finally convince TJ to have us go out to Sheetz for some chocolate milk and ice cream...

after the goodies were downed, it was time for bed, we have a Big Day ahead of us tomorrow, and neither of us has gotten much sleep in the past..ever...so we part our ways and call it a night....the day may have started out on a sour note, but it ended on a positive one..let's carry that into tomorrow...

"Winner winner, chicken dinner...fucking Skip"

Whoops

don't hate....
just be happy it's short...

i didn't have to work til 4, don't ask me what i did til then, definitely write any blogs that's for sure...i picked up this shift because i have a call party tonight..i was told they were going to spend money..and they did, 0ver a grand...it make everything worthwhile, now i think i'll take wednesday off and go see TJ

the party keeps me til midnight, i have be to back to work in 6 hours...6 hours, no time to sleep or eat or anything...i might as well just sleep in my uniform in the office....

"coooooool"

There's Something in a Sunday

that makes people go mad...
and think its their business..

it's almost noon and i am just bringing myself to get out of bed. i listen for a moment to hear any possible noises of others up and about at this time, a TV on, cleaning, or bathroom functions, but none of that is present - i am alone, in somebody else's house. i get up and make the bed i was just laying in, the addition of covers thrown onto me by my bed partner before her departure pleased me, i return one good deed with another and tidy up the place. i go downstairs where i find my bag and rest of my clothes, i dress, the place is still a mess from the 'get-together' last night. i play the part of the gracious guest and try my best to throw away garbage and straighten up the place.

i go to leave the apartment but i run into a problem, one that would only not bode well on my mind - to leave i have to unlock the door, and to lock the door from the outside, i need a key..well crap on this..i was left with no instructions as to how to leave the house, so i leave a note and exit. i feel slightly bad leaving the place unlocked, with a dog that didn't make a noise as i walked around, but it's a college town, on a Sunday...nobody's gonna be a vandalizing til later...

i stop at the post office and pick up my mail before i head on out of town...Sunday's are so weird to me.

i make it back to my home and start the unpacking process, getting settled back in from a tumultuous weekend all over the place. i update my twitter, check updates online, when i get a text message...who do you think it is? The text reads, "did you have sex with a girl last night?" - i love my life...

i'm confused as to what is going on, so i ask the ex to call me, she replies saying no, she wants to text...cooool, i guess there goes me figuring this shit out. we battle with texts back and forth, me not really giving her an answer for the better part of the first half simply trying to ask her what is it any of her business, why does she even care, where did she get this information from, this is all crazy. i ask her what does she want to heart, what will make her happy, she wants the truth..but why does it matter.. i eventually crack and tell her no, but it's said with more of a slap in her face sort of way, as in a "no, i'm a more responsible sort of person who just doesn't go out and fuck people to get over someone like others i may know" sort of way, then i thank you for letting me know that my sexual activity was more important than how did my visit go with my father whom i haven't seen in 18 years, thanks for prioritizing my life for me...

she tries to tell me that was her next question...next question? wow...so she asks, i tell her it's not something text-worthy..she told me she'd call in a minute..twenty pass so i start to get ready, i need to be at work at 4, it's 3 currently...so i do the necessary S's and of course as i get back to my room, i have two missed calls, and two text messages....i love the last one as it reads, "if you're gonna be like this, then just don't even bother talking to me again", my reply - "hey, I was in the shower, coooool, got to work at 4"

i just don't get why she's been pissy with me lately - i haven't talked to her or contacted her until she speaks to me, and this is the response i get, coooool. i tell her if she cares enough to wonder about my father's meeting give me a call later...she says ok, but you already know the outcome of that.

i go into work...another bloody Sunday

"my favorite part is when i fucked a girl in Bloomington"

And then I lost $20

Memory Lane..
Fast Lane...

i can sit here and tell you every detail about the meeting with my father and his parents, a family that i haven't seen or heard from since i was 7 or 8, but i'll save it for another time...in all actuality it was supposed to be video documented by my somewhat recently purchased HD Camcorder..but as luck would have it, BOTH batteries, the regular and extended life, were completely dead....i find this odd since i always charge the batteries after any and all use..if they can't hold a charge for a month or two, then what's the fucking point in having them at all...i guess i should have checked them the night before i left, but i got home really late, and of course didn't go to sleep til late..so i used my 'digital-disposable' camera to film parts of it...most notable i did capture on film the first encounter with my grandfather....i would have liked to have gotten my father too, but i opted out due to the circumstances..

the meeting with my father was cut short, for some odd reason i knew it would be..so i headed off, back home, i accomplished what i was set out to do, and that's all i could do. as i approached Chicago on one of the highways i ran into a typical Chicago traffic jam, i'm used to this, i know i need to add on at least 30-45 minutes for construction, rush hour, non-rush hour but everyone's out driving, whatever, i will always stop on a highway in Chicago. up ahead to my left i notice one of those Fancy Express lanes that have the barricades coming out from the wall saying to not enter, and the signs letting drivers know the express lane is closed..i thought to myself, why can't that be open now, i'm stopped...and if by some sort of divine intervention, those very same barricades i mentioned before started to pull back...the billboard flipped over and said open..i didn't know if it was for reals or not..i hesitated but then saw cars in front of me pulling left and trying to get on that express way..i quickly joined in thinking, maybe everything does work out for the Jangus...

i eventually make it into Indiana, and i make pretty good time...it helped that i chased some bitch in a brand new BMW on I-65...well, she was going 80-85 at times, and i haven't drove that much over the speed limit in forever, so i figured, why not..so i followed her lead..she spread me with her windshield wiper fluid, then threw out a cigarette....then she sprayed perfume at me...it was a little weird, but i knew our speed friendship would be over soon, i figured she would pull off at the Purdue exit, and then she did..

i get home, quickly change, unload my car, and confirm that i am going to the party, err, 'get-together' the ladies down in Btown are having...after this week, i think i am entitled to a drink. i stop for fourth meal and continue south...this time not speeding, i don't need any martinsvillian hunting me down..

i arrive at my destination, people are surprised to see me, i'm happy to actually see familiar faces. it's a cas-lax affair, low key but good, we have plenty of fun with the drinking games - start out by turning Loser (my favorite board game in the world) into a drinking game, and then finish off with circle of death...which, if you followed my twitter updates, you saw that everything i said had to end with, "in bed" - the fortune cookie rule if you will.

we move the fun to the bars around 130, Dpants and I haven't had an AMF in a hot minute, so Upstairs it was. being back in that place brought about so many memories and emotions...i remember at the time living in Btown, i did not like Btown at all..but when you look back on things, you have a sort of selective memory, only pulling out the really good or the really bad..tonight took the most glorious one minute segments from every night i was out and smashed them together to make one grandiose memory. i used to do this all the time, or so it looks like in my head, i used to have fun (really?), going out, hanging out, doing things..for a moment i want it all back..i wish i were still living in Btown, still had the same old OG crew to roll with..that crowd was something similar of a cosmic alignment..a great group of people who all went out and did stuff together, despite cliques or differences, when we partied, we all partied..you can make reference to that group like you would a sports team, saying the 97 Bulls were the greatest, and so forth..there'll never be a group like the '05 OG crew ever again..and that's the memory i keep wanting to play out and relive...

the bars close at 3..everywhere i go it's something different..we assemble outside, i'm hungry and make a mention of Rockits Pizza, it goes over well with the crowd...for some reason i go to the ATM to withdraw cash (for pizza?), i get $20 out, and it was the last time i saw the $20..i didn't use it on pizza either..

We make it to Rockits, grab a booth by the window and watch a crazy lady molest the pizza vendor outside..she would later come in and questioning as to why we were all starring at her..and me being me, start taking more photos, which of course is always bound to piss someone off, this time, it was the lady's guy friend...one of the members from our group was already interacting with them, and i overheard the conversation about my stupid ass taking pictures of him..well, the guy delayed just long enough for me to pop out my memory card, pacing it into my pocket, and start shooting again...so that when he grabbed the camera, he would see pics of all us, but none of him...everything went off without a hitch thanks to some quick thinking of both our parts..

after getting enough of NY style pizza, it was time to head back to the ladies' place..we may have left someone behind, we may not have...error in communication i guess, but what can you do..back at the apartment Dpants called the couch and the ladies were going to have me sleep in a chair. i wasn't having any of that, so i made fort on three inches on the edge of a bed of my friends..she was reluctant at first - scooting over as she told me to sleep with someone else - but i had my own blanket, and vowed to stay on my side....fuck the chair shit..i just needed something soft and horizontal..i wasn't drunk enough to roll over and play with her boobies, god willing, i just wanted to sleep, and i did...and the tree was happy...

"something something..in bed"

For Those About to Rock..

this is a trip...
down memory lane, Illinois

i have today and tomorrow off...i'm going to do something that i should have done a long time ago..i'm gonna end the madness, or just perpetuate it further..you know me, all or nothing. I had people who wanted to see me this weekend, i had others who did not...but i decided on doing something for me...for once. i'm seeing those who forgot i even exist.

i don't perceive this to go very well, i plan on having my heart broken again this week...just rack it up on one of the many things i tried because i wanted but somehow i failed...there's something humbling about being the better person..and don't question why would it be the second time my heart would be broken this week..really? did you forget..monday/tuesday...we're over ring a bell...forget it...

i still don't know why i'm doing this, what sparked this..was it Monday's conversation..is all i need just a good kick in the ass to get myself motivated to do things...before i've want to become something big, be something great, and rub it in the faces of those who cast me aside, proving to them that i didn't need them and look how i turned out. i've been mad before, but i don't know if i ever wanted to kick their asses...no, just rub their faces into my success like a dog into their own shit...well, so much for that idea..

no, i'm humbler now...i don't want an apology, explanations, or excuses...i know they will have their side to the story as my mother's parents have their side..it doesn't matter, every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around..better late than never, no such thing as 'too little too late', as long as you make a valiant effort, well, there's nothing more that can be asked of you..today, i make the effort in hopes others make a future effort

i think to myself, maybe it's wrong of me to do this, i was already thrown out the window of these people's lives once, who the fuck am i to be all self-righteous trying to barge into people's lives and established families all because 'i'm lost in life and on some soul-satisfying journey' or some shit..where do i get off re-opening wounds that time finally got finished healing...

i guess you'll never know til you try...don't beat yourself up worrying about 'what-if?' go out and find out for yourself or you'll be questioning it all your life...you'll learn something about yourself and other people along the way too, as long as you have something you can take from it all, then it was worth it..

i'm going to do it.

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little Boy Blue and The Man In The Moon.
'When ya comin' home son?'
'I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad,
We're gonna have a good time then'."

No Looking Back

Day by Day...
baby steps..

my phone is ringing. it's 9am, anybody who knows me knows not to call me before the time has reached double digits. through the tangled mess of covers and pillows i find which way is up and follow the sound of the Michigan fight song to locate my phone. it's "wrong number", not to be confused with "dont answer" or "who is this", all labels i have programmed into my phone for certain people. "Wrong Number" is not who you think it is, it's just what is says it is, a wrong number...see there's this elderly lady from the region who has a son, who's number is identical to mine..i've just been so fortunate to been having her call me for over a year now. in the past whenever i would miss the call i would return it later, it's a region number so it always weirded me out..well after awhile i realized i kept keeping the same person on the other side, and seeings how the calls only happened once a month, i could never remember the number..so i took it upon myself to program it in my phone, so i could just ignore it in the future..

i fall back asleep only to wake three hours later...i don't get up and out of bed for another hour at least. no, i just lay there, all wrapped up in my blankets warmed from my body heat heat and refusal to move around. it may be in the fifties outside, but my A/C still cranks out cold air into my room. i only let the breeze pass over my face and occasionally my foot, it's a nice balance making me appreciate my bed, prolonging my departure from it. the light from the laptop casts a blue glow into the room, i start Pandora, and relax...this is my mediation.

i have nothing planned for the day, oh wait, shit, i forgot..i know i work at four, but i signed up for a tour that's going on of the new stadium...now if i can only remember what time it starts..i text a few people..wait patiently..and there it is..230, meeting at work...coool, time to start moving around i guess.

i get ready, completing all the necessary S's, and head out, D300 in tow. once again i park in that lot i parked yesterday..always with the changing, well, not really, but whatever..i get to work and immediately get crap for the camera, one of my managers tries to tell me that i can't bring it in..i said if they don't let me in, it's one more reason to hate that team...the next thing they try to pull on me, they want me to wear one of the team's shirts..uh uh, no way..i am wearing my michigan jacket, plain and simple...through a lot of bickering and harassment, and some others not wearing the shirts either, i win

as we walk on over to the stadium it takes me back to grade school - i feel as if i am on some sort of field trip, the principal, teacher, and motherly chaperon are all here...matching shirts to show we are some sort of gang, walking through the city, holding hands as we cross the streets..ok, maybe not that much, but still.

the tour was nice, we got to run on the field, go into the locker rooms, i got plenty of pictures, only one of 140 i really liked, and i will play with later, but after the feild trip is was time to work...it's 530 so i haven't missed anything of this i am sure.

i walk into work and one of my managers, scott, asks me if i want to take a cut...i really don't want to take the cut, but i did just get there, i could do some random things, upload pictures, i hesitate, and try to think things over....i walk by the floor map and do a double take, what's this...i'm in section one...for the second time this week? and it's actually supposed to me? this will mark the first time i've ever legitimately been in section one for a night shift - apparently Scott feels there's not enough rotation going around and is tired of seeing me on the patio or in the back dining room...he's not the only one..so i go back up to scott and question why on earth would you ask the person in section one to go home, to quote Ryan Hill, what's up with that?

so i stay, and i work, and the night pretty much sucks...they fill the back dining room first, so i go on the back dock and eat Jimmy Johns for a good half hour or so...i get two deuces to get my night rolling...then i split a 9 top with the person next to me..and it's a shitty 9 top, salad entrees are you kidding me? so it's somewhere around 830 and i go into one of the private dining rooms right next to my section and chill. the party that had rented the room has already left, and the servers have already flipped it over, so it's a virtual ghost town in here. i sit and i chill..

i cozy on back into the dimly lit server station and hop onto the marble countertop - it's cold as marble keeps a seven degree difference in temperature than it's surroundings, if feels good to sit. a server wanting to check out comes in the room, most people would peek in, not even notice me in the back shadows and leave, but this guy, he comes right to me...apparently this is my normal hiding spot as he says, "i knew i'd find you here" nobody else hides there, so it must be just me, odd. I go to sign him out and we start up a conversation, this happened the other day as well when we were leaving..we talk about heavy shit in a very short time frame - he parallels hisself to me, i see some of the similarities.

whenever i tell people my girlfriend broke up with me because i am an asshole, i'd say 95% of the people don't believe it. they can't see me getting mad, being a jerk, coming off as an asshole, yet in reality..that's exactly what did it..granted i've never meant any harm, no foul play, it's just a very dry and sarcastic style i have - if you don't know that, then, well, i'm an asshole....but you figure the person i have spent the majority of my time with for over a year would know that, hell, people in the first five minutes can make that assumption..ah well, what can you do

as we are talking the host comes in, i've been sat a four top - how did she find me too? the server and i depart ways both acknowledging we need to catch a beer together some time..i go to my four top, they're a fun bunch..

"i don't have a rear view mirror in my car for a reason - it's not only how i drive, it's how i live"

Now This Is a Post!

Totally Disregard for other people's thoughts and feelings...
i do it all the time with these posts...

it's amazing what little oval pills can do for you..i just hope this isn't a gateway drug, last thing i need is to go to jail on possession charges, whoops...but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i do need to explore this as an outlet for my emotions, anything to calm my nerves, make me eat, and clear my head....looks like pot it is....

i woke up this morning realizing i fell asleep with the lights on, i heard it's less dangerous that way..my sleeping aid induced coma got to me quicker than i realized last night..and it had me rise earlier than my alarm...every now and then i like to wake up well before my alarm goes off, only so i can bask in the comfort of the warm bed, cold air, and cuddle up back to sleep...it allows for me to get out of bed as soon as my alarm does go off later...so in a way it's like a snooze, but instead of ten minutes, you get another hour or so

it's a new month, the cold air has arrived, and i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday...i think it has something to do with the sleep..i still have yet to eat or replace these thoughts in my head. i start my drive on the way to work...something's different, i attribute it to the ambien from last night..it always leaves me feeling refreshed, til i get out of bed, then i feel woozy a bit, but with a weird sense of energy..

as i am driving by what i like to call the outskirts of downtown i have a thought, i reach a red light, and pause. i take a look around, no cars, so i make an illegal U-turn heading back...my feelings guided me on over to a parking lot that Amy usually parks at, i've never parked there before, and it's not like me to break from my norm, but today is different so i proceed to park there.

i get out of my car and start my walk..i swear this is half way between my house and work. it's a chilly morning so i zip up my Michigan jacket that i wear proudly...i chuckle at the hilarity in that comment; not only did i fail and leave Michigan never to return again, their football program has been nothing more than the butt of jokes in the past years...way to blow...

the walk seems long..in reality it's not that long, it's just not my normal routine, everything seems out of whack, but it allows me more time for me to take in the day, feel the cold air on my face and in my lungs, smell all the scents of downtown, quickly people watch, it's beneficial i think.

at work i find out i have a call party, a two top, they requested me and the guy's wife is apparently friends with my female manager...both the manager and i have no clue who this guy is by the name on the reservation...he arrives and i remember the face, it's kinda hard not to forget a forty year old man with braces...but i've only waited on him the one time, and i cant really remember why he remembers me, until he orders...this is the guy who let me make his meal, that's right...he gives me an idea on what he wants, and i go to the computer and input my variation on things...now i could be an ass and make him get the most expensive steak, add a rub, sides, etc, but i'm not like that..he's done no wrong to me, and it's kinda nifty to create something for a stranger.

all the courses come out and he enjoys it all, it's nice that he ordered off the dinner menu too, nothing beats having a $150 check for a two top at lunch, with no alcohol...the rest of the shift goes by well for me...i had a table request breakfast, my call two top wanted dinner, and my other two tables had lunch...not only that, but i was the first to sell the new scallop BLT right after we were told we could sell it...the icing on the cake, wow bad pun, came when i coaxed my last table to order the chocolate hazelnut cake with a scoop of our homemade hazelnut Kahlua ice cream...i was rocking and rolling today. having breakfast, lunch, and dinner entrees all in one shift i called a triple-double...the scallop special and dessert add-on were what made me a MVP in my mind..

as i checked out i told my manager should there be a cut for tonight i would like to take it, gonna roll out on a positive note, making reference to myself as Michael Jordan, when he retired the second time. that and knowing how much dinner sucked last night i was more than happy to offer up a shift, well turns out they were making five cuts, wow...

as i change jackets and think how i feel like Mr Rogers in a way...you know, he would walk in, hang up one jacket and put on the vest jacket thing, and reverse process when he left...i'm taking off my potatoe sack jacket to hang up and putting on my Michigan jacket...whatever...

i stroll on outside back to the lot where i parked my car...i walk past my favorite homeless guy in his normal spot, say hello, i was going to give him some money, but i didn't have any readily on hand - he looks happy..i always wonder about him..he sticks out in my mind so whenever i am traveling through downtown i can spot him easily..i see him at the bus station, walking around, i wonder if he really does have a home...i've been tempted to follow him because he's only in his spot certain hours of the day...i call him the 9 to 5 hobo

i decide to stop at subway, it's located right next to the lot where i parked my car..i haven't eaten anything in what seems like forever and i have a craving for a cold meat sandwich...i go with my normal, chicken terriayki. i just wish that they could inject the food into my stomach for me..i don't feel like eating, and the mere thought makes me sick a little...but my stomach growls for food and i know i need it...such a weird dilemma...

i make it back to my place and unwind..i decide to watch UHF by Weird Al...it's a good two hours at least before i finally take a stab at eating that sandwich..i only get through the first half of the footlong and place the rest in the fridge...the latter part of the night i kill time chatting online

i'm trying to figure out what to do about this weekend...as far as i know, i still have Friday/Saturday off - hoping that the kid who picked up my Saturday shift still works for us. a week ago it was to go to The Hole...now, well, that's not happening...i know TJ wants me to come out, and i want to go out and see him...but i have this new vision in my head of what i should do. what should i do...

i continue to beat myself up over everything that has happened..sure i may have said i feel better, but i didn't say i feel back to normal, didn't feel 100%..maybe my nerves officially gave up, quit, went on strike, whatever the case, i'm not as big of a mess as i was the other day, yet i am still thinking about it. situations play out in my head, what if this - what if that..i try to make a time line for how everything went down, my thoughts are cruel - if my imagination could kill, it would have done that, slowly and painfully a thousand times by now (and you thought i was gonna say Uzi...)

you are your own worst critic...i don't know if it's good or not, but it seems like whenever something like this happens i'll just beat the shit out of myself emotionally to the point i wake up and i'm over it...you know, thinking about it, sounds kinda fucked up...i even asked TJ to beat the shit out of me physically so i could wake up from this down-and-out state i'm in....he said he's got one good punch left in him...maybe this explains why my girl friend Joy gets tattoos, it's a different form of pain, self inflicted, to overcome another pain...body art is just their outlet, mine i keep bottled up inside, like so many other things..

i start cleaning my room, its one of those nervous habits i do at times probably to show i have control of something. i find old notes and journals, i read them. all of a sudden there's a charge in the air, a wave of positive emotion overcomes me. i read things that i wrote, i giggle at my intelligent humor, but i read what others have wrote me as well. this is what i need. i see a trend, if you're an ex-gf then you hate me, but if you were anyone else in my life, i somehow touched you, made an impact, a difference, and you thank me for it...

maybe i am a good guy..all the notes connote the same thing - i'm an amazing person, but there's always one flaw with it too...they tell me to keep my head up, look on the bright side of things, but don't change for anyone...a little contradictory, but i go with it..if you change, it's got to be for yourself, change comes from within, and usually takes 21 times, or so i've heard. i do want to be a better person, i want to be aware of how i affect people, both positively and negatively...i am oblivious most of the time to either now. i just live my life, and i feel if i compromise one part, it will ruin everything else though...i know i can be an asshole, but i don't mean it, i may be the only person to yell and curse someone out, saying the most hurtful things and keep a smile the entire time...i really don't mean it, but i say it..i guess that's where i'm wrong...

the positive train keeps coming in though..i text Joy and ask her about myself, try to up lift me..she does just that, telling me how i've always been there for her and so forth, but then she breaks it down, like fo reals..joy breaks her silence and literally goes off about my ex, saying everything she's felt about how i've been treated by the ex and her actions in general..now i know i am prone to twisting words and plot lines around, but i feel as if this is one time i've been able to offer a transcript of, so maybe Joy's right..i tell her to keep going, don't hold back, i need to hear it all..she gets everything off her chest, and we both feel better...

in the process of cleaning i also find my Blue Day Book, referenced many a-times here in my blog i am sure - though it may not have notes in it like somebody else's, it means a lot to me, second edition i've had in my possession since 2002. whenever i need a little cheering up, i turn to that book, there are three pictures in the book that i need to take a time out for because they crack my shit up so much ..i like to read it to other people though, i like being able to connect with them by narrating the book to them..usually after i read the book to them they go out and buy it the next day, its that powerful.

but this time, i have nobody to read it to, this place sucks. i get a text, it's Helen, so i decide to call her, she's been checking up on me daily to make sure i am doing alright...she may be in a land of mormons, but she provides the cheer in my life i need right now...oddly enough, i find that all i have now-a-days are phone a friends..why on earth did i move away from everyone.

instantly she tells me i sound better, i say somewhat, it's not fully..i need to keep this going though...i explain my situation and she asks me to read her the book, i know it won't be the same, she cant see the pictures, so i do my best to describe them to her...the reading is really for me, we both know that, but she's a doll and bears with me...

by the end of the book i've wiped away tears of laughter, her battery is running dead so we end it there...i feel as if i have some how miraculously made it to stage five on the steps of grief...everyone's hard work has finally paid off, i've gone through denial..i went through a bit of anger..i even begged...and of course i went through depression...but you know what...stage 5 - Acceptance - Fuck Her.

i know that may sound anger but you know what...i did everything i could to get it right, or fix it fast (ughh, i sound like work). everything she tried to combat me against i took head-on...it was her who ended up fucking everything up. i didn't make her get drunk, i didn't spread her legs, i just tried to show how good a person i really am...i never gave up, til i woke up. it's over..i don't need a lying cheat anyways...she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she even knew better saying she wanted to find different friends, better friends...but she didn't, they turned her gullible ass into one of them - she can't blame anyone but herself for what she did..sure i may have initially caused the breakup, but again i say, i took positive action, she negatively reacted...at least i'll be sleeping on an easy conscious without guilt tonight...she cant say the same...

friends, no..i don't need someone like her in my life, it will just be a reminder of bad times..it's sad to lose someone so close, but i've got other people i've neglected to make things up to now...to her, i bid farewell, toodles~~~

"we're not destined to be together..we're both aries.."

Third Times a Charm

there's nothing to say..
and if there is, i don't wanna talk about it

she called me last night...i was out in the living room, either pacing around mindlessly or on my way to the bathroom when i heard those church bells ring. i thought i was losing my mind, thought maybe the church down the street was chiming away, but no, it was my phone resting on my bed. i run into the room and dive over my bed to grab the phone, i answer. she tells me she's drunk and cant talk, but wanted to call me back because she said she would and doesn't want to be a bitch about it.

i talk, i keep her on the phone, i spill my heart out to her like i've done so many times before..she's drunk so she's speaking the truth, the slurred truth. she tells me more information, but then regrets saying it, regrets doing it, regrets being on the phone with me, she just wants to end the call but i persist...for the next 45 minutes i pace the house, rambling, without stop but maybe a lot of stuttering, trying to form words out of feelings as best i can on the fly. i may be a charmer, and i think part of that comes from my innocence in raw form through emotion, it's cute...

everything falls into place - she wasn't mad that i talked about her in my blog, she was embarrassed by the joke i made hit close to home, the truth hurt her...it seems like even when i don't know, i do..i guess i'll always know..she did leave me for someone going to jail for 45 days..i even go so far as to ask why she wasted my time, she didn't know, i suppose she never will. it all makes sense to me now, now i wish i did key his car, hell, i'd just kick ass, not fuck up some car...i wished i would have known everything sooner, i wished i would have gone down that Saturday like how we wanted, i wish a lot of things

the conversation ends, i go back to my computer, still at a loss. she sends me a text message, "i do not want to be with you jangus" just after we talked and again were making progress...i wish it would all end..we text more, back and forth...i like closure but can't deal with the ending, i like knowing how you stand, but i don't want to close that door...she finally decides on going to bed for real this time, and asks me about the money she owes me..i'd forgotten all about that at this point...sure when we first were broken up, when she didn't come visit me on that Saturday, got drunk, and i heard the guy in a background, said things out of anger, of course i asked for my money then, but now..there's more to happiness than money.

i tell her the total and she starts freaking out..i tell her it's everything, from the car loan, to all the things she agreed to go halves on or pay in full that i found myself paying for..you don't wanna know the total, you may flip like she did...she goes on to tell me how i haven't changed, how i'm still an asshole, how i made her so depressed, and so forth...i think to myself, wow, i'm out X amount of money and holding my flacid dick at night because you broke my heart...and you're mad? go figure....

i cant stand being called an ass or saying i haven't changed when i know i didn't do a thing wrong..i tell her i'll call her tomorrow...she doesn't like that, then her responses stop..

i don't sleep for the rest of the night...my nerves are frayed, my stomach aches, the room spins, i'm pissing out my ass, my mouth is dry and cottonlike, i toss and turn all night long...my body cant handle this stress...i'm sure to have an ulcer by now

morning comes and i drag myself out of bed...i may have actually passed out for a total of one hour, but that came well after 7am and sometime before noon...i try to humor my stomach with bread..apparently it did not like my sense of humor and threw it into the toilet. i'm a mess.

2pm comes and i know buttercup is out of class now, so i give a call because i promised, plus i wanted to know why she was so pissed at me the night prior. no answer, i leave a message...an hour passes, i notice an update via facebook (that fucking update thing..) so i give another call, no answer, so i text, saying it will be short, just answer...10 minutes later i get a text saying, 'well? i'm waiting!" how was i supposed to know she'd answer now...

i call, we talk, now she doesn't care about why she was so pissed off..she hates me...she wants any excuse to hate me at this point..the fact i've been able to take everything she has thrown at me just infuriates her more...she knows i'm changing, she knows i want to make everything up to her because i owe it to her the most, but everything i do right now is wrong to her, because right now, i am wrong to her. she tells me i'm coming on too strong, i'm trying too hard...of course, this is natural i think, once you lose something and want it back, you'll go to extremes to get it...and i also know the more time we spend apart, the more time she has to get me off her mind....sure maybe in like three months of not talking, we hang out for one afternoon and hit it off, spark a new relationship...seen it happen a hundred times before, 23 times personally.

i make the call short as i can, i tell her to contact me whenever she wants, i won't make the call to her, when she feels she is ready to call, she will....for some reason i feel that won't be happening any time soon...

i get ready and go into work..i look like shit so i wear my glasses...it's now a mask i put on to hide from reality..people see glasses and assume smart, they forget ignorance is bliss. we get our sections and for the first time in history at work, i am top dawg, the number one closer..i've been number two only twice, but on the one night i'd love to just go home and overdose on more sleeping pills, i am gonna be stuck there til after close.

the night is dead, it looks like a ghost town in the restaurant...they start cutting the floor early...a five top that was plotted in my section wants to not sit so close to the bar...there's nobody in the bar, no noise, nothing, these people are just assholes...they take their money elsewhere...after it goes down to just the two closers, another five top was to be given to me, but as their reservation time expired, they called to cancel..what a night

in a last ditch effort, some sort of saving grace a six top walks in, the hostess Hilary knowing my earlier struggles gives it to me...i thank her..she was actually my saving grace tonight...i opened up to her, told her about what was going on in my life, she listened- i think it was willingly because she asked, and asked questions. she offered my some herbal medicine to ease my mind, could have been opium, i would take anything at this point. she tells me about her relationship she's currently in...my situation seems all too real for her...there was a breakup, but quickly they got back together...time is of the essence, had buttercup and i seen each other like we both wanted to, everything would have been avoided, but that is not the story we are telling today...

the 6 top is the last to leave, and i am discouraged by the tip they left, definitely were not my saviors tonight, jerks. i flip the room over for a large party tomorrow, it takes awhile, enough time for the other closer to do a walk through with management..i check out and escort Hilary to her car.

she drops me off at my car, she's nice. i can tell she has a lot of heart but has been fucked over a lot in the past too..she's jaded, may come off as a bitch, but she doesn't mean to..i guess we all do the same. she's a hardworker, offering me a hand to reset the party table tonight..she may have a boyfriend, but i think she's lonely..she's lacking an emotional connection, he just wants a friend..

it's funny because i can do what happened to me, swoop in with all the charm in the world saying and doing all the right things in the beginning, steal the girl..but i'm better than that, sure i'm a guy, but i've never played that game before, because i know in the end we are all the same....nice at first, and then it slacks off..we become mean, don't seem like we care, just want sex - granted we may do little things for you here and there, you want them all the time ladies, yes you do..and we just can't offer that to you..i just wished Buttercup knew and understood that...some fuckstick came swooping in on my impressionable naive girl and knocked her off her feet..kudos to you dickspank..i mean this in the nicest way possible, but i hope he fucks over her worse than i...but then again i hope the best for her too..

we arrive at my car, i thank her, and go to my car..once inside i am reminded why i don't drive at night as i let out a long sigh..i still have a fucking headlight out..i just have a paranoia of getting pulled over, especially right now and my illegitimate residency and expired plates, whoops...

i go home, unnoticed, and pop an ambien...tonight i will sleep for sure.

"you're once, twice, three times a lady...."