Timing...
this is really part 1.5

so why is people have such impeccable timing?

Alright so it goes, or so it seems to go, that whenever I'm about ready to throw in the towel on someone, they come through the underbrush and redeem themselves with an olive branch as presentation of self?

Now as I have told you, whether in person or on here, I give people many chances to get back on my 'good' side, to make amends, right the wrongs...it's not 'you screwed up once...you screwed up twice..you're gone" it continues...and people always push it as far as I can take it, like they know my breaking points....

And it doesn't help the fact that I'm such a cynical bastard..especially when it comes to people...people are a luxury, and since I am no rich man but rather quite the opposite, I don't entertain the thought to such novelty acquirements...

don't get me wrong, people do have meaning to me, as hard as it is to believe...you just have to be the right person I guess....let me down and you're just putting cracks in the ice.

Just as much as people mean everything to me, I can forget you in a heartbeat as well...I know that seems a bit contradictory, but I'll explain..

I don't like people, believe it or not ( I know it's hard to fathom..), but this verdict has only been brought on by past experiences, people aren't born inherently evil and hating...it comes from your environment..but god I don't want to get into the deterministic/naturalistic philosophical debate here, so let's move on....

I'd say in general I am a nice person, and when you meet me for the first time I have an overpowering charm that can win the hearts of just about anyone, I am a social god. and as you get to know me more, should I let you into my circle, you start seeing every side to me...now I don't like to play fronts, I'm all about being straight up and honest, but I think naturally I come off as a bit more timid, nice, unadulterated if you will..and the underlying reason for that would be my incredible shyness, yeah me, go figure again...I'm not trying to fool anyone, it's just the social pressure put on me in a new situation is overwhelming, I buckle under the pressure and resort to "washed hands Jason". And a subdirect reason to buckling down is I hate change, once again you should all know this by now...so the new experience is just too great for a Jason to feel natural and comfortable in, he does not know the crowd that he is dealing with, and in large part he's just trying to fit in along with the rest of the world.

I know I am all about blowing people's mind, revolutionizing the way people think and all..but there's always that time when you just have to be 'normal', and it's not to much you have to be, you're just afraid of what outcomes may be produced by any outlandish behavior..maybe you are not on your territory, you don't have any or enough colleagues around, maybe you're completely sober (for a change, ha, j/k), for what ever the reason may be, you're just not settled, ready to break out of your mold, most people don't ever break out of the mold and stay cooped up in there til they are in the safety of their own house, alone..til they die.

so once clean jason's fears have been lifted from him, he's settling in, he starts becoming hisself..it's a gradual process, and it always depends on situation to situation. Take work for example, any new job I have started I'm the quiet shy one who never speaks, really polite and just to myself..whatever it takes to get the job done...people start talking to me, trying to reveal the mask I wear, which ironically enough helps quicken the process...as much as I hate people intervening into my affairs, when it comes to a new workplace, I do just want to do my job, but getting settled quickly with everyone is also a priority...I like to be myself at work, I like to sing and dance and just be cooky..and if I can't have that, then I won't want to work, simple as that..if I'm having fun, I could care less what it is that I am doing....

and as for external interventions, I hate people...I really don't liked to be talked to about my problems, I don't like to be corrected, because in reality there's no need for it, I don't understand the significance of run of the mill fucks trying to get a grasp on who I am and what I'm about, knowing my life's story...I just want them to see how irrelevant they are to me, so they should just quit while they are ahead..."look, you're not going to remember any of these details, and I really don't feel like telling it a hundred different times to have something as special my life fall on deaf ears over and over...

I hate repeating myself...ever want to piss me off, just ask constantly, "what was that..what'd you say...huh" I know I mumble, I know I mutter...don't hear it, don't understand, disregard it..you can fuck off with a table leg.

and other interventions..I don't like to be touched...I was neglected of touch as a child, which you would think, well normally, would make someone want to be touched more...but not this case..I really do not like to be touched, ever, plain and simple. there are times people can get away with it, generally when I'm ion a good mood, we're joking around, maybe tickling each other (god, tickling, so fun yet so evil..) but if we are having a discussion, an argument, and someone tries to put a hand on my shoulder...forget about it...if I'm getting pissed or are already there, keep clear and make sure nothing of yours touches me...especially when I first wake up as well...if I'm in the kitchen minding my own business, because in reality, fuck the world I hate everyone, don't try to come up from behind me and place your hands on me...

now there have been a few instances in my life where touch has been ok, this from the select few I have allowed, only because it felt right...once again it all goes back to that feeling...and I don't get a lot of good feelings from most of you...

now there are those select few whom you feel some sort of connection with, people who are actually genuine and want to get to know you, who will be around and hang out with you...in those situations, if I feel that way towards them, I will open up bit by bit...getting into the bubble is a huge deal...

if there's one thing I can be accused of, it's making judgments based on first appearances, which is something I would frown upon..but there's something beyond the physical realm of understanding a genuine liking for a person...there's a feeling involved with it. I can't explain it, I don't know how many people actually can testify to having this same thing happen, I do know that my roommate Spaulding and I are almost one in the same, not liking certain people's for the same reason and feeling we get when they are around (aka the Presidency).

and I will contest to the day I die that my judgment is irreproachable, that I have never been wrong on an impressionistic judgment call, and I feel as if I will never be wrong...because it's not a knowledgeable thing one can posses...it's a feeling, whether or not you and said person will click..and actually goes even further for me because I can tell what type of person they are, music they listen to, things they like, etc...I mean I don't have it down to the T, but generalizations..and isn't that what life is all about...

so to get into this bubble of mine there's a lengthy application, there isn't any time requirements, and there are degrees to the bubble, just like hell. and it mainly based off the feeling I get, that's what starts everything off...I get to know you, you get to know me, things click, relationship built on honesty, a genuine liking for both parties..and we're doing pretty well. and of course there are certain things that help steer into the bubble..and being a girl can actually be considered one of those things...my guy friends are thin, just because I hate the male population...the guys I know most definitely have to be something special to even be considered a friend..less guys are in the bubble because they let me down mostly because they are males, and think like males, make decisions like males, and yeah...few.

and should one let me down, their position in the bubble doesn't necessarily change, however the floor drops out for them..yeah, it's 3-D as can be. you see, I've already let this person in, so I feel as if knocking them back will just be a waste of both our times..once they reveal themselves to me for who they really are, they now have hell like levels going down..which ultimately makes them further away from the center, but still in the same frame of how close they are to me..hard to explain yes, and as much as I would love to cite examples portraying this, I fear for the parties who read this to relay such messages around...I still can't trust a lot of people, though I do all too much...

to sum it up, I'm nice, you're on the first floor, the main level...you work forward, pushing your way in the bubble...you get to know me, my sinister side, realize I can be an asshole, you know what sets me off, you know the likes and dislikes...should you not disappoint me, you move forward and still proceed on the same level, and I am the same to you...HOWEVER, once you break a covenant of mine, set me off, frustrate, bilk, undermine me the floor starts to give...and you are entering on my bad side...now as I mentioned I give a multitude of chances for one to make up for the past occurrences...but once you hit the breaking point...which would be no 'movement' ( and I use movement here loosely, I mean action of some sort) on your part for an extended period of time, or you continue to piss me off, then the bottom falls out...

things are basically beyond repair and I become Jason the Asshole, I have no time to speak to you, to care for you, whatever, you've betrayed me and my every thought, whether just or not. you're disrespect towards me will be your own demise, and you shall soon see that. it's a sad thing too, because everything was once good, and we've gotten to know each other to a certain extent, things were good, but then you decided to be your true self, revealing all, just too damned comfortable and walked all over me, and as a result my attitude is completely changed..you can know fuck off for good.

which overall is the most extreme it can get....I constantly give out chances like it's nothing...I feel as if not only are you bad, but I myself am bad for making such a lousy call of judgment...I wan you to prove yourself to me, prove that you are that special someone I took in not too long ago...for if you don't, you will be letting me down, and I will be letting myself down...I can't see to have myself be wrong or fail and will make it so that you won't, or at least I hope...I know people aren't perfect, that's why I give chances...but sometimes people get too deep and don't realize it til it's too late...and by then I've already shut the door.

but for those people, who drag it out til the last possible second, right as my hand starts the door in motion, they come through, literally, and save themselves..wiping the slate clean of all past events...just to do it to me again...

and had I not been so generous, the door would have been closed a long time ago...or would it have been...does not the cynical side of me 'interfere' with properly dictating when the door closes..does not that same cynical side only produce ill thoughts, speeding up the process, giving less of a chance to make it back in...

no, simply put..everything is weighted out and counterbalances each other...it's a working machine, all timed perfectly, checks and balances...it works together to make me be on both sides of the fence at the same time...deal with it...