The Idiot...
I just don't know..

So yeah, what a fucking day I had Monday....of course we start with Sunday....

Sunday night got home from the OG...talk with Blue for an hour or so, things were going really well...and yeah, even the hang up was good, happy me..

then the plans to watch the butterfly effect start to roll, so I pick up michelle, we make a quick stop at kroger to get a gift for my valentine on Monday..this has it's own story to be told in a second...

so we watched the movie..the director's cut..and I fucking loved it..I didn't understand why people didn't like it...but as I watched the ending, I knew it wasn't the right one, that's why I liked it..too dismal and bleak....well I was correct, we flipped the disc over and watched the actual theatrical ending, and yeah, pissed me the fuck off...I saw that ending coming a mile a fucking way...gives people hope..fuck that shit...they weren't meant to be, break it up..move on..get over it...

anyways, Monday came...and my schedule for this week is completely F'ed up..I had to come into work at noon, throwing me off from the schedule I have been on for the past three months I was slightly late to work..couple minutes, no biggie, but they shouldn't be fucking with my schedule to begin with...whatever..so I worked from noon to eleven, oh, that's right, I said eleven....my feet are killing me...this was more tiring on my body than any other job I've had, fucking lazy bastard jobs...but yeah, I stayed a bit later than I really had to, only you make sure people tipped me out and to help Brittany who was having a coniption that I was about to leave at 1040...whatever, she thanked me....

then...I had dinner with my "valentine" of the evening...story goes that there's this host, who I like to talk to, no interest in, but I like her because she reminds me of Kendall, or just some stuck-up, prude bitch...and we all know how I loves me my bitches....so we've been chatting, and I randomly asked if she was working 'tomorrow' aka valentine's day at the time, she said yeah..and then I asked if she wanted to be my valentine, she said yes, and told me she was going to get me something...what?

so yeah, we were both starving, and it was late, I would have cooked for her, but time was not on our side so we decided just do the smart thing and eat at Denny's ( I really do fucking love that place...) so we engage in conversation...and I don't have any certain feel for the conversation..I didn't care, but I did slightly, maybe on her side...it was different, I was different...Whatever...

well long story short..she fucking blew my mind...she isn't the bitch I thought her to be ( not yet of course, I know this type of bitch..and yeah, we'll just have to see..) she's actually very fucking nice...and smart...she's a fucking geek...but you would never guess....I'm still in shock over everything, even the upcoming mentioned, and I really want to talk to this girl some more..still no attraction I don't think (GOD I'm jaded) but she's just so damn intriguing....

and then the gift exchange...I didn't do my normal 'Jason gift' which would be something completely random, I went with the socially accepted cliche fucking gift..I didn't want to scare her off....but I am sad to say this...I have finally been outdone in a gift exchange...she rocked my world...I received my gift first, only because I asked since we had conversation about how much her gift would rock earlier...and you know what it was...one of those squishy pillows, the ones you just want to hug as hard as you can, then fuck the hell out of..yeah...and it was pink, her reasoning was to match my toenails and my jacket...I was completely flabbergasted....

the gift I gave her, a fucking chocolate rose....yeah...well, this will help things out a bit..she had originally decide to give me a heart shaped cookie, which I never got out of her car, but whatever...so the heart and rose would have gone perfectly fine...then she saw these socks and wanted to get me those...but didn't know my fashion sense all too well....Funny random fact, earlier that night I told her I was going to be random and get her socks..and then she told me she was going to do the same...Weird....but she opted for the pillow...

and when she realized everything in my tent was blue she told me we needed to go back and exchange the color...I told her no, it was fine...oh, and she got it from urban outfitters...which is probably where she would have gotten the socks..which means I like her taste in style..which means she spent way too much money on that pillow...

I felt outdone..I was ashamed, I tried to reconcile and give her things out of my trunk, but she didn't want anything...she said I was going to ruin it, she said it was fun..I....I don't fucking know....

do I like this girl?is that possible...random?

and then I listened to the voicemail from Blue..it kinda scared me and set me back...then we talked...and things were good, but then we hit one subject and she "had to go" ironically enough...what';s the fucking deal....

I like blue, I really do, of course I can only say that with as much actuality as me saying I have over a hundred singles in that box over yonder...it's true, but to what extent does it go....

I told her I really wished we would have been able to get together this past weekend...this was really a crucial factor this 'relationship' needed.....I mean we had only but an hour the first night we were together, and well we, I, wasted that with stupidity....and I know we have been talking on the phone almost every day/night, but in reality, phone conversations only go so far...I really wanted to spend a couple days with her, so we could fast forward our beingness...so we would get a better feel for what each person is truly like..she claims she's a bitch..she's not taking a liking to my sarcastic side, making me an ass....

but every day passes and I like the girl more and more...why is that? in all honesty, I really don't know her...like I know the people I live with...you can't like someone without knowing who they really are (how am I not myself....I had to, sorry) I do miss her, which is completely fucked up to say, she was here for a couple hours..I just want to spend time with her...not a couple hours, not a day..something more real, unprogrammed, I want down time.....I want reality....

I think you know what I am talking about...if you've got a couple hours, it'll go something like this...get together...talk...make out...get something to eat...maybe start a movie...make out...and it's over...make out goodbye....there you go, you've accomplished nothing....I needed this weekend and it fucking kills me....everything would have been spaced out to such a degree that it would have given true light onto everything that makes us.....

does she even like me.....

and if so, how much....







god I'm such a fucking fool.....