No Go, Still Bad...
nothings thicker than blood...

Don't try and fix something that is dead...

so I needed to get out yesterday..needed to get out and away from the house..believe me, it was the better for me and everyone in the house....so I took a gamble and decided to try and make myself happy..I tried for an instant fix....but I don't remember a time when I've ever had an instant fix..more like things are 3/4 better over a gradual time process,then something happens where it jumps it right to the end...but nothing greater than that...

but I tried it, hoping that a good rest would have been enough time, bleeding would allow for the cleansing, and writing a note would make things better...getting across just truly down to the core, how I felt about things, how far I was willing to go for what I believed in....so I ended up shopping, clothes shopping...

now there is the trick, we all know to put me in a good mood, just go grocery shopping with me...I fucking love grocery shopping...I know of people who put it off and rearranged there lifestyle and times just so I could be there with them, because they knew it made me so happy.....but funny thing, I did a quick grocery shop on Wednesday night...BEFORE everything went down...so yeah, there wasn't a need for that kind of shopping...

and the other thing about clothes shopping, it's a double edged sword with me - yeah I like to go shopping, I love getting great deals on things, but I hate spending money on it, it's a waste in my mind...I don't like cloths that much - accessories yes, clothes no. if I had it my way, I would wear the same outfit all the time, just like in a cartoon or any movie that's extremely badass wherein the character doesn't change clothes....you know those types of movies....

so yeah I went shopping, and I spent money I didn't have..well not necessarily had, just money that I had securely set aside for rent...way to blow...yeah I got frickin awesome steals, it wasn't something I should have done...I feel guilty, didn't make me any happier, in fact probably just made me more depressed in knowing how broke I really am, but that's like, nobody cares...

so avoiding all is good...interaction is bad....I'm going to carry around a knife in the house at all times, just so people won't talk to me (yeah I'm hoping the intimidation outweighs curiosity in this case)..you guys caused me to go into this shell...you won't get me out...

I need to buy hangers...and I hate the english language....but not more than french...

sad as it is to say, I need friends..only to use them to have a place to escape to from here...that's horrible....why do people suck so much...

it's always darkest before it goes pitch black..