Realizations of Ga-Ga
towels and flags...

Alright, so we all know that for whatever reason I am ga-ga for Kimmy...we're talking like it's back in elementary (well maybe middle school for some..), just a little kid type of crush, it's retarded and stupid...if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the type of thing where you'll be having a crappy day then all of a sudden that person will walk into the room (or come onto her shift) and instantly your mood changes and you have this big fucking smile on your face, not like a smirk, not a shit eating grin, only when you suppress it, but in normal stance, it's a full fledged smile that is hard to break or hide....

So now that you understand, take this into consideration...I get the feeling that she doesn't feel the same way about me...in fact, I'd put money on it. Come to think of it, she acts nothing like any of the other girls at work...they are more...what's the word I'm looking for...it's a feeling and it's hard to describe..the other girls are more 'wanting to be friends', more 'open', less of a guard, not in defense mode..compassionate and friendly...I'm not saying she's not friendly, but it's a combination of things really...I mean most of the other girls actually like me, like me because they "like" me, but that's another subject..Kim, nothing..I don't get it....

so because my New Year's resolution of sorts was to not be that way, social I'm saying..well and dating, I'm basically going to kill the ga-ga-ness...I'm gonna try, it's going to be hard if I actually try to do it rather than letting it just happen because you I believe you are supposed to let things take their natural course..but whatever...

and the other thing...I came to the conclusion that this "want" for a girlfriend is completely out of the question, for several reasons....alright, so if I were to get a girlfriend, obviously she would have to fit to me and all those damn qualifications..I'm a picky bastard...once I obtain said girl, I'm going to want to keep her....I'm not looking for no floozy, a one night stand, nothing stupid like that..it's not the life I want to lead, so yeah...if I get girl, I keep girl..fair enough....

now the thing with that is, I am in now way shape or form ready to settle down, and there's not a single person that could make me settle down...I live from place to place..I move around too frequently....who even knows if I'll be here next year, not just this house, but Bloomington, or Indiana for that matter..I have wild and crazy dreams, and I live my life accordingly..I'm not saying I'm not ever going to settle down..I'll have some mid-life crisis and want a family...but til that happens things just look doubtful. I know that there is nobody on earth that would be able to put up with the way I live...being so willing to change because of me, for me...I mean I wouldn't move for her less I was ready..I'm not ready to do other people's will...if they want that, that's fine they can go on without me if that is their descion..I'm such a bastard I know, but I'm just going through the point where I'm trying to find my meaning and find myself...if that's through someone else, god that's fucking lame....

so yeah, why is it that in relationships there's always one who carries more weight....we can even broaden the term 'relationships' and just say in general...why is it the one you love doesn't love you back the same way....and I know what you are going to say, if you haven't already...but when two people love each other and get married and raise a family and love and yeah...bla bla bullshit...no matter what you say or how you slice it love is a conditional thing and varies from person to person...I love you, but am not in love with you...how many people have heard that one before....

but yeah...some people just really like the other person...some people are completely crazy for someone...you know the feelings aren't the same...nothing is 'perfect' like that, like I said, somebody is always pulling more, carrying more, doing more of the work..in essence, loving more...

basically what I am getting at is...if I am ga-ga for a certain person, and I get nothing back from it, no potential, then it's not worth my time..I do not want to have to convince somebody to be ga-ga for me..I don't want things to settle before they realize they like me, I want them to see me and be intrigued and want more...they want to hang out, make an effort to do so and yeah, things happen...

now the ironical thing about all that is I just describe what I don't go for? for whatever reason, when girls come up to me and I can tll they want me, it does nothing for me, I usually do not like them back...they plan all there's dates to hook up, exchange numbers, this and that, but yeah...I'll go ahead with these things because "I'm a nice guy and like to hang out with people" (wow, I don't even know what's going on...) but I am, and will never be, attracted to them...in fact it may, and does, piss me off....

so the complexity of me is beyond anything perceivable...I like girls taking initiative, I want a girl to outright like me, go ga-ga for me....but yet if you look at my past track record, it doesn't appear to be so....it's always been some bitch, who doesn't like me, who hates everything I do, incompatible to the T..and yet I like them?

I just want things to work out...is that so unfair?