Well That's Interesting

yeah..
yeah...

you don't say anything

Ok, I got this..I can do this...put your fingers to the keys..now press...you can do it..just give it a go...goooood...feels good right? Now keep going..and never look back...

I have a four day weekend..all to myself..I haven't been alone in a long time..this is amazing..of course the first two days I spent being a bum - it didn't help matters that the it's been the hottest temperatures of the year..virtually making any activity (even going to the beach) impossible.

But I needed it..I needed to decompress, to re-center myself, to be one with myself...now I'm starting to sound all zen-like, far from it though.  I've been wanting to go to my happy place, I've been wanting to go off alone, be alone, yet not alone..I wanted to be with me.

I've been wanting to write for awhile (you're heard this too many times I almost didn't want to write it), and actually have some half-posts up somewhere..I just haven't been able to, for various reasons...but, that's then, here I am now...

Another little thing that has gotten my fingers going - besides everything going on in my head and around me - others have been writing, or talking about writing, or I've been surrounded by writers...I don't know, but it's enough motivation to get my ass in gear....that and I don't want to set a new all-time low with the amount of posts in one year..

Plus I tend to get a little stir crazy when I just sit at home..troll on the internet (my favorite pastime), and do other crazy things...example:

I love success stories, especially from my Facebook friends. It's so good to see them lose so much weight....with my help of course. You see, what I do is, start with their most recent picture, and click alllllll the way through to their oldest picture..it puts a smile on my face

So here I am, back in the

***UNFINSIHSED***

Stupid Statements

the what

and the fuck

"I have a boyfriend", she interrupts with. 

"I have a bicycle" I quickly retort with, thinking we were naming off things that really didn't matter at the moment.   She looks at me in shock at my response, shocked at my total disregard of her situation, shocked I didn't crumble to her pity.  Her initial disgust is qualmed by her realization through my words, and she giggles.  We pick up right where we left off, with more intensity now that we had let the animals out.

What self-justification is warranted with the stating of such inane quantifiers? In other words, why do people say such stupid things.  Nine times out of ten, the other person is aware of your situation, so restating known facts is like telling me your name again. (which, usually isn't such a bad thing come to think of it..I tend to hear a name, then associate it with something/someone else, so within those four seconds of you saying your name and me repeating it, I already have a new name for you…) 

All in all, it's a redirection of guilt being pushed from one party to the other.  The real person at fault cannot take full responsibility for the situation and tries to pawn off the blame outward.  A lot of times the trick works.  With both feeling like accomplices, the ruffled scene takes a curtain call.  Sometimes, in more dramatic fashion, the main perpetrator seeks a reassurance of character, using shame as bait on the reverse-psychological lure.

**uncompleted**

If You Could..

would you..

or would you change it?

If I could do it all over again, I would

Maybe a little bit differently..maybe take more advantage of certain situations, but generally speaking, yes is being my answer.  I randomly came across some post from early '05, and I didn't have to read through much to realize the life I coulda/shoulda/did have...

I may not have realized it then, but those were my golden years...sure I would stretch them out for more to come, evolving over time...becoming more cognizant of my surroundings..but those were then, and I came only (barely) remember what happened.  Yet, I loved it.

Everyone recants on the past better than it was..maybe this is the case as well..or maybe I was too naive to realize just what was going on.  They say hindsight is 20/20, hell Rod Stewart sang about it...

if only we could go back...good thing I wrote a little bit

"note to self...don't stop writing, only for you"

Discard

Hey..I know we haven't seen each other or even talked in a real long time..but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.  Not like a "I regret what happened" or even a "I want to see you again" sort of thing, just.."I miss you", then end.  

It's strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger..that sometimes I go entire days without even thinking of you even a little…Most of the time I let myself forget, because it's easier…But then I find something..an old letter, or picture you drew, slipped into a book I haven't read in ages..and the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me.  

But again, this isn't regret…we had reasons for ending it, and they're valid as ever…but back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything.  It all just happened.  

We didn't have common interests, or similar goals…sometimes we didn't get along that well…But we didn't need a reason to fall in love.  We just did.  The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has been all about reasons.  And that's good.  It means one day I might find someone I won't have to say goodbye to.  But a part of me misses just loving someone, and knowing they love me back, and that's all.  

I guess what I am saying is, I hope things are good with you.  I hope everything is great.  I hope you found a love that's all the things ours couldn't be.  And I hope I find that too.  But a small part of me, buried somewhere deep inside, hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons…and that you miss me, too.

"Do you want to save changes? *click* Don't save"

Gary's at it Again

This time..

it's retarded

Four years ago I lost my best friend to cancer...and as time would circle round again, I'm losing another friend because he is a cancer.

Maybe this time of the year is a bad time for me...like november, but not like november...november is more of a seasonal depression; this is more like bad luck kind of thing.  I messed up my ankle last year, which I'm still recovering from, and now I'm dealing with something else that's tearing.

My buddy Gary moved out to cali when I made my trip to get all my stuff out here.  It's been a dream of his to move to 'the promised land' - I've never quite been sure exactly what he expected would happen when he moved out here, somehow everything would just fall into his lap, life would work itself out, he'd become a rockstar...I only say these absurd things because, well, that's how he acted.

His first month and some change he did not have a job; however that did not halt his spending.  He treated his move out to the coast like a vacation.  Living it up, going out, spending money everywhere...except for where it mattered most, rent.  He bought wetsuits, body boards, this that and the other...it wasn't until I got back from SF in October that he finally had a job...though the first payment wouldn't come for another month later.

I realized he couldn't live his lavish lifestyle well before he ever did, and he probably still doesn't...so I made adjustments in what I did.  I didn't go out as much, wouldn't ask him to tag along, canceled a trip out to Vegas to see Lacey Chabert on her birthday..all because I wanted him to be responsible.

I was hoping this move would be a chance for him to put his big boy pants on, to grow the fuck up, if only just a little bit - heck, I'll be the first to say I don't want to grow up, yet, I can be a responsible adult as well.  I was wrong.

He didn't learn any lesson.  Even after a conversation I had with him in December about how he should alter his spending - though I wouldn't tell him how to live his life, I just wanted him to be more conscious of his actions.  I tried to stress the difference between 'wants' and 'needs'.  I stated facts, facts that would drive a normal person insane.  Example: though not being able to cover the full amount of rent, he would use his money to pay for private volleyball lessons. Or, to pay for tanning sessions...while living in Southern California...I cannot make this shit up..and the more I say/type it..the more I laugh, yet the angrier I get.

At that time I thought the problems were solved, that my words would be a beacon of light, inspiring...I'm a damn fool. Whether I wanted to believe anything I said made a difference or the fact I wanted it to make a difference so badly I turned an ignorant eye..it didn't matter.  Things still happened behind my back, without my knowledge, yet rent in full was never met.

At the beginning of the year I decided a new tactic, I would write on the dry erase board the dollar amount he owed.  At the time I want to say it was somewhere around $3700...and growing every month.  He was shocked to see the debt so high, and again, I thought my plan had worked..but...well, you know by now.

He still decides to make a trip back home that January - a trip that costs double the amount as one isn't working yet spending money one doesn't have...but after that things pick up, they start to get better..then, April comes.  His parents planned a trip out at the beginning of the month, and despite their insistance they he not take any time off that he wouldn't normally have, he takes the entire trip off.  Not two weeks later he takes four days off to go to a wedding in Vegas.

Call it coincidence, or random circumstance, but issues arise with management at the complex we are living in.  Basically, the guard staff have some vendetta against us, and only ticket those living in our unit for any random thing; yet others can do the same and get away with it.  Tensions rise and the owner of the unit feels so bad that she allows us to break the lease if we want to.  We're fed up and start looking for new places..somewhere else, somewhere cheaper, more inland, but cutting the costs almost in half.  Gary's onboard, in fact he takes time out during the week to go scout out a few places....this is all taking place this week in fact.

I'm thinking everything is going well, not looking forward to moving as I just finally got settled in, but hey, rent is going to be cheaper, and Gary will be able to not only pay that but pay back the debt..alright!

Then Friday, just days after looking at new places mind you, Gary comes home from work about the same time I do and has a smile on his face.  He says Restaurant O has hired him - I'm thinking, ok great, that was simple - but the following words don't make sense to me...everything after is a jumbled mess as I try to pick up the pieces of my now blown apart mind...the Restaurant O he mentioned, which I thought he was speaking about the one in SD, rather, was the one in Indy...and he's leaving in a fortnight.

So now with a $5100 debt to me, he's bouncing.  Not only that, but I'm going to have to figure out where to live, on my own now..and Cali isn't too conducive for single renters..so instead of half the rent I was paying, I will not be paying twice that amount..oh, and I better figure it out quickly as May is impacting in three days.

I can't go into the details any further as this causing enough eyebrows to raise, but that's the situation I'm in.  Stressed from work hounding me about shit I don't care about...stressed about getting my final projects finished for my classes...stressed from the douchebag guards and all the citations we are getting...stressed about my financial situation..as I'm $5100 owed from Gary..and all that has caused me to do is max out my CCs, deplete my savings, kill my credit score that i've worked so hard to get up since my bankruptcy..all because I was covering for some low-life who couldn't wake the fuck up.

I'm still in shock over the whole mess..it comes to me in waves...just how simple it was for him to turn his back on me..to jump at the first chance he could get..how he took advantage of the situation..how he used me...to get out here, and to stay out here for as long as he did..i don't think he will ever realize anything he's done wrong..i'm sure he'll say he's sorry...but i don't think he'll ever understand why.

I'm sorry that this post was so long..obviously is a lot longer than the time spent in Gary making a decision to leave.

"Selfish, ungrateful, incredulous, disrespectful, inconsiderate..."

Goodbyes Are Hard to Come, Bye

Where're you goin' so quickly?
you seemed to have left some things behind
I guess nothin' that important, really
you just forgot to say-y goodbye

i understand you gotta go now, baby
plans - you've got yours, and me mine
but as you leave, you've gotta be able, to see
that i'm standing on the side waiting on goodbye

i do this for love, not to impose
so if we meet again, that'd be fine
but at this time i know we musta close
just give me that goodbye

before you go and do what you gotta do
there's one thing i must ask of you
please don't run away and hide
just take a second to say a goodbye

you don't have to write
you don't even have to call
but don't leave me here
with nothing at all

i don't care if this means the end, i won't dwell
all i'm askin' for is give me that farewell.










"oh, but don't forget to close the door when you leave. And like my heart toss aside that extra key. cuz i'm stopping that used convenience in me"

Happy Anniversary

well,

of sorts...

alleged rape-aversary that is...

It was just one year ago that the unthinkable happened; an event so outrageous it would change the course of my life from that point forward.  Where I thought the actual events would lead to bigger and better things, another's fictitious events would take me down a harrowing road.

Of course I am talking about the alleged rape case.  "Oh, you can talk about it now?!" you may be finding yourself asking..truth is, I'm not sure.  With the one year anniversary being the 18th-19th of March, and my recent news from the Oceanside PD, I'd say I can..

I mean why not, the DNA results (finally) came back...and just what were those results...everything we already knew.  My DNA was not to be found on any, ANY of the evidence/items the liar accuser brought forth.

go figure.

I got these results only because I made phone calls after not hearing anything for months..annoying.

But, we are only half-way free I guess.  Yes, there was no DNA found, but the lab tests on the water bottle are still unknown...apparently it got sent out to a different lab, and who knows when they'll have their report.  But as the detective said, from the looks of everything, unless something absolutely crazy comes back from that water bottle, the case will be closed.

Of course I did inform the detective of the "sister" water bottle I have in my possession as well.  He said that was good to hold onto in the meantime.

So I celebrated today with what will be a tradition from last year forth - get a Shamrock shake at some point in the day..finish it off with Denny's...drink some arrowhead water..and not rape anyone.

I leave you with these two memes created awhile ago for me...

 

"..and maybe a song...."

I See You, Baby

shaking that ass...

shaking that ass, shaking that

Alright, now don't touch me...

It's amusing, really, how synched up we are.  I tend to distance myself from certain things, but, naturally, like moth to a flame, or, in this case a sailor to a Siren  I find my way back to you.

I haven't been blogging as much as I should, or would like, or should really; but it's a marvelous thing.  We both know how fickle my time with this blog is, and it's just a matter of time before I catch my second wind and start pounding on these keys to make something appear.  I want that to happen, and apparently, so do you.

I don't want to scare you away..it's ok, really.  I'm flattered...it's nice to know you're still keeping tabs on me.  Maybe it's to see if I've posted an "incriminating evidence" or gather things for the case file against me or whatever; but I'd like to think positively, I'd like to think it's because you miss me...and you know deep down somewhere inside of you, you know the truth....that your claims are all false...a mistake...some horrible nightmare created, but definitely not holding any bit of truth.

And to anyone else reading this and wondering or questioning...sure, this is a long shot as I'm sure there are plenty of those a that certain university...and maybe a select few that would know of this blog..but I'm fairly certain I can narrow it down to one person.

So, if my destructive reasoning is correct, let me put this out there.  Could you please contact me.  It's almost been a year now since...whatever...we saw each other...obviously you're looking, and you know that I can see that, so nothing has stopped you from doing so...soooo, just contact me, talk to me.  As messed up as the situation is, I still, for whatever reason, care about you and your well being.  Maybe you're too afraid to contact me over the phone, whatever..I can see you reading, and we both know what that means.  I'm trying to reach out to you...i'm trying to get an understanding for all this.

Basically, I am in a Mrs Haversham state of confusion left on a high from the time we spent together, believing that everything would turn around for the better..and then being jolted out of the fairytale to this "real world" that was actually a nightmare.

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.

"As the Rolling Stones would say, just Call me"

Looking Back

On the year..

on the bad..

on everything

This belated look back is similar to that of the reflection in a murky puddle of mud.  I normally do my year in review (year end review*) at, well, the end of the year; but as I have mentioned earlier, that never happened.  I figure with the rape-aversary date rapidly approaching, now would be as good of time as any to kick it off.

2012 was one of those years you'll look back on much later in life and say, "man, that year brought me down to my lowest point..but I overcame and made it to here" and you'd point to whatever place you were standing as some sort of vague implication on what you were actually talking about.  But as those wounds are still pussing, it's a little more difficult to do anything but laugh at just how fucked up last year really was.

If I recall correctly, I started off the New Year by airing my grievances, all at the mispleasure of bringing about the 2008 jangus.  Later that month a girl came back into my life for the umteenth time, and like Rihanna to Chris Brown, I supported it.  This would prove to again be a series of ups and downs, back and forth like a see-saw we found ourselves finding each other, yet "needing" to separate ourselves as well.

As the new month arrived that relationship kicked into overdrive and (I thought) things were moving in the right direction.  Time spent over the Valentine's holiday was doubly meaningful as it was to be my last days before going over to Korea for a month.  And things started off great until day two, when that relationship, much like my presence in the states, went away.

Just shy of a month spent in Korea, despite the sadness I was facing, was quite a good experience for me.  In short, it was existential and I enjoyed it - I also got a lot of writing accomplished as well, not just blogging, but a note everyday to the one who ran away.

My trip was cut just short of a month and I found myself in the states for St Patrick's day..and what was to come was, and still is, unthinkable.  I won't, and probably can't, go into too much detail about what happened - that matter was actually a full blog that I started to write then erased because it angered me so much.  But what happened was, said previous girl and I got back together as we both longed for one-another...she spent the night..I thought that would be the turning point in our relationship, little did I know it would be, just not in the direction I was aiming for..she, and I quote, had never been more comfortable in her life than laying next to me in my bed, end quote...the next day would be the last time I saw her again.

Fast forward to the weekend of my birthday, hear back from girl - it has been two weeks now - and there's a "pregnancy scare", I quote that because actually it was a device used to try and entrap me on grounds of..rape.

I'll give you a moment..

So I spent time being interrogated by detectives, and having to explain to my chain of command just what in the eff was going on.  That same week I do my first interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters..two weeks pass and another love of mine finds a way to break me, again. This time it was on the basketball court, and the break was actually the ligaments in my ankle.  The lack of professional medical help provided by the military only made things worse.  Pain killers coupled with my world crashing in around me proved to be a horrible combination..and in fear of doing something stupid, I fought through the pain and flushed the meds down the drain.

The next months I spent recovering, which put a hold on moving my stuff out here from Indy.  I went to a lot of rehab, and pushed myself to workout and keep on top of things, striving to get back to where I was before.  I really don't recall the summer months all that well; Gary made an appearance during the fourth of july-causing me to skip my traditional chicago plans and stay in SoCal.  Another friend came out a month later, causing such a drunken ruckus it caused my PS3 controller to split into many pieces...and that's the fun version of that story.

August came around and I found myself moving into a new place, closer to work and right on the beach.  Which was also the time I made a trip back out to the midwest to pack it all up and turn my back on that place, for the final time.  The trip was a nice vacation away from everything, work and so forth - even if I did do 28 of the 30 hours of straight driving through.  But that week proved to be a very interesting week.  

I'm not even sure if you could call it an old flame, but sparks definitely did ignite with a missed connection of sorts; which naturally complicated things for both of us.  And shortly after that, another past lover decided to make a big, marching band required, appearance into my life as well.  In fact, most of the drive back I spent texting and talking to said person.  This too proved to be complicated with the nature of conversations and pictures sent.

But like all good things, these too would come to an end..first with the former lover calling it quits on both her boyfriend at the time, and me.  Then after my two week 'hiatus' for Fleet Week in SF, the missed connection solidified as to why it wasn't to be either.

With being shat on enough in 2012, I made the bold statement to the oncoming month of November to "do your worst", feeling as if I had endured enough, there was nothing November could do that I could not overcome...I now have a regret in life.  

With everything now in my possession, under one roof, I was getting settled in. One item in particular I was excited about was my external harddrive. Finally, I thought, the constant worry in the back of my mind about backing up my data will be relieved! Oh how horribly fallacious I was to provoke November.  In the very process of backing up my data, everything went wrong.  The laptop's hd had a mechanical failure...and the external hd had a data corruption.  Everything was lost...even to this very day, after sending it to place after place to attempt to salvage the data. No such luck.

That was the nail in the coffin, that was the final straw, that, was the death of me.

Everything after that point was, and is, a blur.  Things happened...things continue to happen.  Michigan ended up losing to OSU, I ruined something because of my stubbornness, I ruined something else because of my vacuousness, and I'm fighting more battles than I need to be right now.

Still no results from my DNA sample, so the accusations are still on the table...all my pictures up to November of last year are gone, my ankle has gotten better, but still isn't 100%, and there always seems to be that one person on my mind.

just the quick recap of the worst year of my life, that is all.

"i have nothing to say i haven't already said"

Everything

I lost,
Everything

four syllables

I don't write on desktops.  No, spur of the moment writing is nothing that can be conformed to fit a reserved area of space.  My laptop is back up and running, kind of.  Sure it's the same laptop as before (though the keyboard and other oddities are gonna take some time getting used to) but the difference is, everything.  I lost everything.

I am referring to the harddrive that used to be in this machine..the one that so timely decided to fry up in the middle of me backing up the darn thing..destroying not only itself, but the harddrive it was backing up to.  I suppose it gained a little bit of me over the years and decided to go out like I would.

After trying several different companies to retrieve any bit of information from the fallen drive, all attempts came up null.  Pictures, documents, anything and everything from the past 4 years has been erased, as if it never happened.

Looking back, I asked November to do it's worst last year, it succeeded.

So that combined with not liking to write at my new desktop, still hating this horrible format change, and being completely busy are all reasons enough as to why I haven't wrote in so long.  Now don't get me wrong, there were times I came ever so close to banging on the keys, but obviously nothing came of that.

No classic year in review, no meaningless updates, nothing...not until the second week of the second month..ashamed I am.  Well, maybe I'll get my act together here..who knows..granted I'm even busier what with classes and so forth, but, I'll make due, I owe you that much.

stay positively tuned.








"Every end is a new beginning"

Hello There, You

A story,

Nothing like before

Shortly.

I've been telling myself I need to write, I've been saying the words in my head so much they've actually manifested aloud.  And the recent conversations to me of my blog only have brought it more to the present.

The Holidays.  I started to get into a comfortable place the other day, I use the term 'comfortable' very loosely here as it's actually a very unpleasant feeling.  What was comfortable, rather, was the familiarity of it.  I was off of work, and knowing I didn't have to be back for another 48 hours took a weight off my shoulder like never before.  These feelings used to come so much easier not too long ago.  Just getting two days off in a row would do this for me; but now, with the routine, two days just isn't enough.

I can put the blame on Sunday.  Sunday is one of my days off, the most worthless day in my book.  here's what usually happens.  Friday, get out of work, never early, but continue with my week things and routines. Friday night I'm likely to still get into bed at the same time as i did the night prior..but I sleep in Saturday.  Sure sleeping in for me now is something like waking up at 8:35; but I take my piss and go back to bed.  Waking sometime once the double digits hit.  I'll make my breakfast and slowly begin my day, never really getting it out of, and at worse into, second gear.  Once 4:30 hits I'm back out for the count, a mid-day nap for no reason other than why not.  I awake an hour or so later rearing to go!  But of course by then it's a little late to get very much accomplished....maybe go to the gym..maybe hit the grocery store..but that's about all i can do.  And then sunday comes around.  Now that I've used a day to rest up, I'm good to go the next..the only problem is; mostly everything is closed on a Sunday.  This 'holiday' weekend has been no different.

I kept with my Christmas tradition and rented some Redbox movies (though I can't get (too) drunk, as I do not have tomorrow off from work).  Call it what you will, but the movies I've been watching have had something to do with writing; book, stories, what have you...this consistent theme must have struck a chord with me as here I am now, writing, telling you nothing but garbage.

I'm losing my bearing here.  There's a lot on my mind -  things started to flare up over the weekend, but I took a friend's company to drown out anything surfacing.  Maybe I'm not completely derailed and this upcoming 96 will take me to where I need to go.  I'm hoping so, because I really was all over the place in this one, yet I don't think I got anywhere.

Here's looking at tomorrow...

"..if only my dreams involved tomorrow"

Horrible

fuck that
fuck you

"My dad died today," she said via text, "please leave me alone." In an instant I felt horrible for bitching her out, "are you fucking kidding me?!" i say to myself, knowing better to not type that just in case it were true.  I already diced this poor soul into pieces, I didn't know it'd be a blow while she was already done. Of course, the one day I decide to text her, blow her up, out of the several months I haven't, her dad dies; perfect timing.

How did it get to become like this; how did I get to become everyone's hated number one; how did I get to become so horrible?

I realize what an old friend of mine said to be true, a subscriber of this blog once said to me, "If I were to title your blog, I'd call it the 'troubles of being genuine' " truer words have never been spoken.  People aren't used to this sort of brass tactics streaming from the orchestra...the aren't used to the abrasiveness of the chili in their mouth.. and yet, for some reason, at first, they are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

I was on a roll this week, already losing 5 friends of FB in just two days, I figured why not take care of that kindling just laying around, the one I've been putting off for some time now, see what kind of sparks can fly if i were to kick it.  

I was heartless, offering condolences for her loss, I still stuck to my grounds, telling her to leave me the fuck alone.  I was pot committed by that point.  I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and no hearse was going to get in my way of finishing the mission.  A lesser person would have broken down, but the person on the other end of the receiving texts was not a kind soul, no sympathy to be spared.

November is only half over, and I've caused enough destruction to last a year, if not longer.  I'm not sure what other 'bang' I can go out in, but I guess I really wasn't prepared for this November when I encouraged it to "do its worst"

poor choice of words I had.









"it's not personal...don't take it personal"

Let Me Catch My Breath

-What's her excuse this time?

-She doesn't need to have one...

she's here and that's all that matters

It's funny how life works operates sometimes.  And I know I've gone off on rants about how it's funny if you think about it, manifest the thoughts out there, how weirdly coincidental ironic those thoughts seem to reach their destinations and get a reply.

I was going to write tonight, no surprise here i am now, but it was on a different note..in fact, probably a pining opposite.  I was in the place where my thoughts steam the mirrors in my head the most..and as those thoughts clouded up every transparent view i may have held in my mind, I decided then to open the door and let it out.

But just as I was to crack open the glass, letting free the feelings, the very thing in which I wanted to write about, wrote to me.  And just like that, the clouds of longing parted, and my heart onward marched.

and the beat went on...just as it has before, always.

"Hey."

Double, Double

Dribble,

Vision,

Standards...

People are not what the seem to be.  At least that what it seems to me.  Lately I've been finding myself at the end of many mouth canons, receiving oral ammunition fired at me.  I've done my best to dodge those bullets, but given the onslaught of muzzle fire, my quick wittedness could only last so long.  And as I lay there dying to believe what's been interjected as a possibility of reality, that my gig was up, and time wasn't on my side...I start deliberating up some sort of change or acceptance.  Then, when they think I've lost sight, I eye their mistake.

There's several ways in which you can classify people:  There's those who play devil's advocate and call out everyone on everything.  I'm amoung those in that select category.   There's those who just take it.  And then there's those who only call people out when actually they are to blame.  This is a fun category.  These people try to play the system to make it seem like they have good intentions, like they are asking the questions to protect themselves, they are not at wrong...and if they are playing the second group it usually works out for them...but the truth is, it's their guilty conscience that manifests all the questions, all the accusations, all the anger.

It's because they know they are doing something wrong, something they wouldn't want done to them; and if they have the ability to do it to someone, what's stopping that someone from doing it right back without their knowledge.  These people are scum.  Not only are they the ones out there actually performing the nefarious acts,  they have the audacity to inculpate the ones who have done no wrong, the ones who have stood there, by their side...

I fucking hate people is what it comes down to.  People are idiots, and all they want to do is turn the tables on you.  Their situation is never called into question, yet every one of yours is.  And even given the chance to try and bring matters of theirs forward, it's turned around and blamed on you, naturally.

I could sit here and preach about how this person did this or that person did what...but I don't have the patience for that..it's saturday, and I want to do things, even if that includes nothing.  Maybe Season Five of Californication was right...maybe sometimes you just have to sit back and not say anything..not counter..not fight...sometimes you just have to take the call

And so this time, the penalty is on me.

"Trying to bite my tongue, but that's more pain than its worth, so I'll just say 'fuck you' and be done"

H Two Uh Oh.....

Chemistry..

Law...

one of those things I've never been good at.

Something bad has occurred, something really really bad.  Of course this is in reference to the situation that started back in March/April; for those of you who know about and have been following.  Yes, the situation is still going on, no I haven't heard anything new other than to just keep waiting.  Just keep waiting to get results back I know will further prove I didn't do anything.

Then life says, hold that thought....

This week work sent me to a class/workshop thing to learn about using a new program for our department.  It was a pilot course, but nobody really cares.  The main point is, not being at my normal place of work, I am sans all my stuff; desk full of goodies, snacks, water, etc.  That being said, knowing how thirsty I get on a daily basis, and knowing I wouldn't have access to anything like I normally would during the class, I made a walking out the door decision I'd soon regret...

As I made up my breakfast togo I remembered about the drink situation.  I looked around for any random Powerade bottles I still may be have hiding around; but recalled finishing those but a month after moving in here.  I make my way to the fridge and open the door - it's really awkward for me, I've never been a fan of having the freezer on the bottom.  Once open I scan the contents.  Food items, condiments, some milk, couple pony kegs of some Michigan love, more beer, a bottle of champagne I plan to pop once I get the results back and my name is cleared, fruit....

as my search starts dwindling down, my eyes slide over to a spot tucked away in the corner of the door...bottom shelf, almost hidden for the fact the door doesn't open all the way due to the proportions of the fridge versus the kitchen.   I catch two bottles of water tucked away, for not so obvious reasons I will make known now.  The larger bottle, one litre, is over a year old now, and has been resting in my fridge since an ill-fated day in September.  The night my little drummer girl was supposed to come over, a night that changed things for her.  I suppose I never got rid of that bottle because I could never let go of her; it represents something more; and if I were to remove that from my life, vicariously I'd be removing any possibility, any hope..I'd be removing her, forever...and I obviously don't want that (even given the current situation where that's exactly she wants).

The other bottle, smaller, has been snuggled along that larger bottle, though not as long - it came from a work outing, Family Fun Day; bounce houses, putt-putt, and good times. There were originally two bottles, maybe more but memory serves me to think two placed in my fridge for hydration, that I took home with me from that event.  Maybe another was left in my car or whatever, but two for certain stayed in the fridge.

All that remains is the one, because the other is involved in a conspiracy, a lie..(I really wish I could call it Watergate but that's already been taken...)  You see, the bottle that remains is the sister bottle to the bottle of water I gave a Maker of Shoes, the one whose flavor was flawed, the one I allegedly, though unopened, tampered.

Having no other options I made picked a dumb option;  I took the small bottle with the implication I'd get something from the PX on my break, as this water bottle would quickly disappear....or so I thought.

I make it to class, get settled into my workstation, and before the class even gets underway I crack open the bottle for a drink.  One taste is all it took for my mouth to reject the bottle, pulling my head away and twisting it with confusion to the left.  "What the fuck?" I said aloud, getting the attention of the student on my left.  With his eyes now fixed onto my doings I decide to try again, maybe I just had something in my mouth...but the results were the same.  I'm starting to panic.  I turn and pass the bottle to my left, asking the fellow student to "here, try this" and with no hesitation other than saying why as he puts the bottle up to his mouth, he tries it as well.  "It tastes...off"

There's nothing more than I want to do at this moment than run out of the classroom and leave...but that will do me no good.  And for the next three and a half hours my mind is not in that classroom, not on the information we are going over, but fixated on that bottle sitting in front of me..and everything it represents.

On my break I go back home where I have another person try the bottle...later that evening two more people try a swig...all stating the same thing, some more in-depth about the flavors, but the consensus stands...there's something wrong with the water.

The confirmation from the last sampler is enough to send my mind spiraling downward.  All these horrible thoughts run through my head, suddenly my unquestionable innocence is showing signs of contest.

If the sister bottle is anything like the bottle she drank, than yes, there's something wrong with it...what, I'm not certain..though I know it didn't make me or anyone else sick for that matter.  Of course I don't have any other bottle to test or have tested, and bringing in an opened bottle to test would cause some concern...

I just want this nightmare to be over..I just wish this would all end and go away...I wish she would talk to me..as this is my only way to talk to her..

Truth is like the sun...you can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away... 

"Last time water was turned into something it was wine, you have nothing to worry about, you're fine..."

Here We Are Again

all alone..

going down the only road I've ever known..

I'm just wasting all this time

I've stared at this screen for over an hour, maybe longer as it seems to have preoccupied my entire night.  The new post page opened, blank, buried in a tab behind one of the millions of others opened that I scan through over and over, hesitating to return.  I'm left with as much ambition to write as I have answers for the questions that perplex me; why?

It seems as though every time my vehicular life starts picking up momentum, shifting out of those sluggish gears and cruising along, leaving behind a devastated fate behind in the dust..all of a sudden circumstance randomly jerks the wheel, and I am left to be flung from my seat, hurling out of control through the air, no control or understanding as it's happening all too quickly..only to hit the blockage in the road I was once travelling happily down...meeting the pavement one more time.

She once said I had horrible luck, yet she never did anything to help it out.

I'm not sure where what went wrong.  what i did. or what i didn't do.  why everything had to change.  especially when things were so good; to me at least.  She says I did nothing wrong, but that is all she could say, all she would say.  I just don't get how everything in my world could take a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.  For a better part of a month or so I was happy, I was living a good life, I had pretty much everything I've ever wanted.  It was good.  

Then, some occur lively events that don't even involve me, on the contrary, those events if anything would have solidified my existence in her life further...but it didn't work out like that....at all.   It's like your best friend wins tickets to a concert and for whatever reason doesn't invite you.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And it never will I suppose...I sit at night and try not to rack my brain over such things, but sometimes it's just impossible.  And to think it was just so easy for you to toss me aside, once again, with no justification, no explanation, no real sense of closure hurts even more.

I wish I could elaborate into more, but there's no sense to it...there's only one person that could make things right, and she's not listening.

"you can't just chop up a former relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like some sort of fast-food menu..."

Stupid

what

the

fuck, google?!

I hate this new format...it makes me not want to write at all...I don't get it..I've been using blogger since 2002...blogger was bought out by google awhile back...there has been little changes in that decade..subtle things here and there..color schemes, certain formats, the login proces...but now...now...this whole thing kills it for me.

the ease is gone...the design is gone..the creative flow is gone....maybe it means i should be gone as well.  if it's not broken, why "fix" it...there was no need, no demand to change the former layout..

Ugh, I'm sorry, I'm just ranting about something trivial...but, it's an update for you guys...blogger changed their setup, and I hate it...google's mantra is "don't be evil", well, they are failing right now

Maybe I'll use something else...

"Who uses yahoo to search anyways?!"

I'm about to Djokovic

advantage

love

today my subdivision came close to being burned to the ground by me

I woke up not looking forward to work today; so much in fact i fell back asleep after turning off my alarms. Luckily I didn't oversleep and got to work on time...funny that work would soon to be the thing I needed to get away from everything else.

Not sure what got me there, all I know I was one angry individual come lunch...maybe it was the long lines, the long work day, the meddling hands with work, or some random facebook post that i read too deeply into. whatever the case may have been, i was not in a happy place.

if you could graph my level of care on, say, a pie chart..the chart would show a bag of flour and blueberries on a shelf - ...because..i care so little that not even the pie was made....ok...enough...

i'm fading fast, and my health will soon suffer. i need to go.

"fuck it, i quit"

I'm in No Place

fuck

fuck

fuck

I've got a lot on my mind, so much in fact that I'm coming up short with dispensing it in my normal manner such as this. I have all these half thoughts that just bounce around one another - it's like trying to chase after a bug in flight. I need to remove this load from my shoulders, hence, me writing..I will do my best I suppose.

I feel I'm at some sort of crossroads...wait..an intersection...no, that's lame...I feel as if I just pulled into a small subdivision and after a short stint on that main road I have three options...left, right, straight...but as I sit there, seeing the gate close behind me in this 808 complex, I look down each of the roads and see nothing but dead-ends..of course nobody would ever call them that, they hide behind the language of love and say cul-de-sac .

Don't Call it a Comeback

I'm here to stay forever

and ever and a day that's never

I can't let you go

Look, I can sit here and make excuses about this, that, or the other - granted the past three plus weeks have been hectic - the main point isI'm back. We all know there's gonna be a hiatus in the summer months, and then just as all that ends, and September rolls in (bloody bloody September), so does my blogging.

It's a week in and I'm already late on this. Finally there's things to say, but I haven't had the opportunity...so now i'm just making this stepping stone of a blog to get my fingers a little wet, wipe off the dust, break off the rust, and go for the gust...oh

I figure if i knock something out of the way, something such as this, it will give way to something a little more...meaningful. As I said to another fellow blogger (oh, did I mention I got someone to start blogging?!), not every post is going to be a masterpiece, work of art, nobel prize worthy...but think about who you're doing it for..and also think of those as the unofficial important takes on the really good ones. Sure in another world posts like these get deleted - like scenes in a movie, you don't actually follow around the character for every move - and what's left is all diamonds and gold...but the truth is, you have to remove some dirt off before you have that...that necessary dirt is these posts.

So as I stumble over the keys hunting and pecking, trying to formulate my analogies, this is what happens...practice makes perfect, and this is me coming back from the off-season..first games are a little deficient.

but it's ok, certain skills are like certain loves, yo never really lose them.

"Come with me"