Losing My Mind

after losing something else,

and someone else

but it's not a loss if you give it a way.

I made it home.  I was cold, and needed to return to my residence quickly, though I lost myself along the way.  The paved sidewalks cutting out and switching sides, the sand, construction...led me a good mile away.  I'm glad I was the first to return, not like there was a contest, but I'm glad Gary didn't return from work before me...in my haste to go out on a brisk walk, i inadvertently left the gate open.  Surely if Gary were to have come home, to both my cars in the drive, the house locked, but the gate flopping about, his concerns would have gone on high alert...at least that's someone.

funny how my course would direct me to the one place she found comfort in...a place, i wouldn't think of going on my own unless i had been asked or forced to go...rarely do i make the quest on my own...

i did my best not to just walk into the ocean.

i'm conversing with myself...aloud.

I'm going quite insane, and it's all in my brain.

pain changes people.

I want to call..I want to do something..but I can't..I just sit and stare at the idle messages...waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, let alone them to be seen.

I want to know she's ok...i know her...and that's what scares me.

it's 2008 all over again.  I was right then...lord let me be wrong now.

looking over the last messages...one nonsensical message...no periods...she's drunk

The Killer's Mr Brightside starts playing in my head.

active. messages not read.

it's midnight here, 2am there...the bars are just closing...i need some sign of life...something that will allow me to rest easy..something to put my mind at ease.  I've already lost my appetite for the steak I was to make hours ago..don't make me lost sleep now too

I wish I could drink...I wish I could just erase this with every swig from the bottle...like you are doing.

if this is how i was supposed to feel for the relationship, there's no way anybody would be able to live like this.

but I remember...she did.  she stayed up those sleepless nights, waiting on a call or text from me.  even when it wasn't said, it's what she wanted always...and it makes sense now. too much sense. and feeling like this, is not a feeling anybody should have to go through.  this is hell. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  i think my heart is racing, though i can't even feel it beat...i can't feel anything but a sinking feeling in my, well now, stomach.

she replies.  it's short, three words...no punctuation.  I quickly reply, trying to keep her on...the line?with me? there? but she goes back to idle...nothing....nothing....

and that's the last i hear from her.

until 330am...home.

I've made a huge mistake.

Me: I'm probably freaking out about nothing...

E: (without knowing the situation) when have you ever been wrong?

Me: fuuuuuuuuck