I've Got a Secret....


So my loyal loopers, what's up? Rhetorical, nahhh...anywho

So I type this little journal thing out here for a select few...I've got my tape recorder, I've got my other shit that is more on hand than a computer..so why do I continue, honestly? Well it's to let you know what's up..yeah, I'm doing this for you, so those select few who are nosy enough to long for my every move know what I am doing at all times....it's alright though, I suppose my ramblings don't really do you justice, often vague little entries about cheese or some vegetarian crap like that......oh my, so I will continue so you will still have a hold on me, ok? (now those who know me know how I said that "ok")

ohhh my, yesterday was a disaster, a complete and utter disaster, I didn't think things could get worse, but low and behold they did...that's my life, I shouldn't expect things to ever start climbing up, so I will just ride the continuing slump down, it's one hell of a trip (wow...so many innuendoes...)

but it wasn't all that bad, my life/universe/?creator? likes to through in little things of why people are envious of my life...I am reminded why I continue to endure a life like this...for moments like yesterday night....

ohh how the day gets better at night.....

last statement was irony in itself, I liked it...anywho, so yeah, this is a story that dewes will love to hear, for some reason unbeknownst to me he lives off of my "shortcomings", hmmm, wrong choice of words, literally....my little accomplishments? what is the fucking word I am looking for....good gofff....this twelve year old needs to lay off the "cheese"

riiight..so people amaze me, always will....but that's a different story....as for the cycle, the setup, the process, I'm doing great..fuck ya'll..this makes no sense but to me, ha..take that people who want to know more.....

if I actually cared and gave a good fuck, I could change things, lord knows I could change the world if I so desired, just don't have the will or patience for some things....other things that mean more to me..well that patience never runs out...or so I thought. well, now I'm stuck choking on my words...ok, I don't give up unless.....damn, let's get some things straight first......

I can do whatever I want..I have a strong enough will......I can't get addicted to anything (well, certain delicious little things only makes my mouth water for more...)but like cigarettes, no biggie...I can smoke a pack in one day if you want me to, I will not "crave" one tomorrow...that shit is all in your head, you fucked up people....but yeah, no addiction to shit like that....so yeah, I have strong will to do things I want...then again in the same breath I have to resort to saying, I can never "seal a deal" as vince would put it. but it's true, I usually stop half-way through with all my endeavors..I get close enough, or I know I could complete it, and that's good enough for me....maybe it's a fear of "commitment", fear of abandonment, fear or something that's for damned sure....

and you know me, "if at first you don't succeed, try and try again", well yeah, if I really am after that, I will keep trying until I get what I want, or settle with some realization it's not meant to be....and even with that last statement I'm not to sure how many of those types of things there actually are..if I know it can't be done, absolutely can't be done, then what's the point.....I have to have a feeling for it, hard to explain, thoughts ping pong in my head and don't fully make it to the keyboard.....

so ten yeah, this thing, if I want it, I'd do something about it..but that ball is in someone else's court, I can only carry the weight for so long, now it's someone else's turn...and well from the looks of things, everything is working out fine, not my concern, not my problems.....hell yes water off my back

so this is actually a lengthy post, wow..I guess I'll end here...only to start a new one, mwhahahaha..suckers.