The Beginning of the End...
does it really matter anymore?

When all else fails ask yourself, what was that all about?

So again with the sleeping in thing - though it is kinda hard when you wake up and start cuddling the thing next to you..and it's (in your head) a really hot cuddling session..body parts all intertwined, hands just barely away from certain sexual places, and heads touching...god I'm such a woman...anyways it's 2 and we are just getting out of bed..make some...I don't even know what to call it, it's not breakfast, it's not lunch..it's our first of many meals of the day...mindy had to go to work at 330 so that left me to sit around and do nothing for a little bit longer...

I get to work and I love the section I'm in..no not really..it's not a bad section actually, just the people working around it cause a bit of a problem..in my same section are Steve and Jeremy...and when they are at a table they feel as if they are the only ones in the entire restaurant...you can't get past them..and with the two of them blocking my exit path, I got nothing...and at times Leah blocked my entrance with her table at 321...and don't get me started with the wheelchair at 311...I almost had to go around through amarone to the back of bianco to get into my section..shoot me...

and after they made cuts it was retarded..I had one table who was finishing up, and I wasn't cut yet...there was no real reason to keep me there..and as I try to convince them to cut me, they do the opposite and seat me..but the funny thing is chase for whatever reason thinks it is his table, and he greets them..so I try to get the hosts to cut me still..but it doesn't happen...at the moment the try to give me an eleven at the family table I take back my table from Chase and get sat with a three top...

well the three top proved to be a really awesome table..at first glance they looked a little trashy, what with the wife having tattoos all on her exposed chest, an illmanered teenager and so forth..they bought a glass of my favorite wine, the valpoicella, with my thought of them not liking it...but they did, they both did, so she orders a glass and I start talking about the wine, telling them what I know..and then telling them to buy the bottle next time so on and so forth...well their bill was 55 and he told me to keep the change..and while I was in the back to close out the check I found that they left me a twenty dollar tip, so I made my way back onto the floor to see them as the passed by me..I thanked them again and realized you can't judge a book by it's cover...I know, it's trite but true..

as for that table I took back from Chase..three girls..it was Casey's birthday..and they made a joking comment for me to sit with them while they told a story..so I did, threw them off, but that got things going..so everytime I go back to that table I just take a seat..we talk about random things..I think one of them had a crush on me - so when they give me the signed credit card receipts I say, "what, no phone numbers" god I'm brilliant..so they all pass the ticket around and write down their names and numbers on it..I think I could have joined them in whatever they were doing that night, but didn't push for it..

somehow I pulled out of there with a bill..don't understand that at all - especially since my first table left 2 on 26 and my next table left 3 on 47...yeah, fucking shit..and it wasn't ever that busy..I had open tables or most of the night...my last two tables were the best, the twenty and the 10 the girls left ( with a note saying they owed me twenty more, but that's for next time), whatever, I got numbers out of it..which regardless if I call or not, is one of the best tips possible..knowing you're a rockstar...

so I got home...mindy called to see what was up, we chatted about the rest of my night, and I could tell something was up..her responses were..off? she wanted me to go out, but I stayed in, away from everyone, organized a cabinet and figured out how to work the dishwasher...made it in bed at 2 with a lot on my mind...












"I don't want to eat your stupid food, I don't want to see your stupid movie or hang out with your stupid friends..I don't want to be apart of your stupid life...."

Emotionally Unstable...
..the last peak

After Wednesday, everything is down hill, right, it is hump day..how can it go up?

So today was a fun packed day full of..packing..which was fun? Whatever..I worked a double today, this morning as a server and the night as a host..well as it turns out the person I was in host shoes for was scheduled to greet, my favorite ting in the world, and sadly I am not joking..so I decided to have a little bit more fun with it..while on my hour break Mindy and I ate at her place..and during our pre-dinner meal I figured I'd have a little drinky-drink..to make hosting even more fun...

so I got to work just a little bit late, somehow..and I found that Drapper and Elizabeth were eating at a table in Danzante...so instead of taking post at the door I sat with them..and talked..Dreamy was ironically enough sitting at a table just behind them..and that s*t Kathleen was also somewhere to be found in the restaurant. whatever, so I stayed, ate half of the Tiramisu and had a god time, getting paid a little over two dollars in the process.

***

after work I went over to mindy's so we could talk..and as the night grew on I realized I needed to get going..I asked her to join me in the night's festivities, but that was a bad move on my part...for you see, I waited too long to ask her, so by the time I was ready to walk out the door I felt obligated to ask her if she wanted to come too..well she didn't have enough time to get ready, and out of pure spite towards me not asking her sooner, she said she didn't want to come..which started a whole nother argument...

and we talked, and talked..I kept getting calls from everyone asking me either A where I was at, or 2, where everyone else was at...by midnight I had enough with everything and started to walk out the door...but I didn't..and then it happened...

we were talking about everything and I just broke down..I was holding back any tears that were forming during this entire time, from when I first got there til now..but then a crack formed, and the dam gave way..it was horrible, I was hyperventilating..and the worst part was I still refrained from letting it go further..I cried for a bit, but I stopped it short....you can only hold on for so long before everything eventually gives way..then you just pick up the pieces and rebuild that wall...

never made it out, never got to say goodbye to Isabelle, or wish her good luck, and never got to pick up any hotties from chili's....












"*Sobbing*I'm sorry"

Picking Up the Pieces...
..like fixing a broken mirror....

Today was clean up day for those who fucked up last night...aka me

started off waking up still drunk, possibly..lingered out to the hall and greeted Elizabeth telling her she missed one hell of a night..from there I fell on to my ass, waking up Char and we all chatted it up for the next hour...by then it was time for me to go to work..rather, go to Mindy's to go to work..

I got to Mindy's, who had finally fell asleep from being awake for the better part of the night, and I tried to make it as quick and painless as possible..grab my shirt and go was the plan..didn't quite happen like that...as I was getting my shirt on she became more aware of her surroundings..and then started asking questions..and me not really wanting to go into everything without going into EVERYTHING would just try to ease her pain, give her a quick response, and be on my merry way..but more questions and more aware she became..I tried to leave several times but it was difficult leaving mindy in the upset state like that..I wanted just to smooth everything over right then and there, but knew we'd be there for awhile..and I was already late to work..

so I went to work..it was sooo slow, I barely walked out with twenty dollars..but the highlight was when I talking to Doug about a subject he so loves dearly - Laurissa (Rachann's friend) I know how much Doug loves this girl, and it just so happens that she was out with us last night and I came everso close to making out with her..actually, she was going to, and it would have happened had the whole mindy (blown out of proportion by everyone there) thing never happened...he said he would get down on his knees and praise me as his god if I actually were to, one day..not only that but he said as the new sales manager he'd let us all sample the bottle of Amarone at the family gatherings..just because...he said he'd give me his cell phone to call him as soon as it happened so he'd be the first to know..a-mazing

so after work I snacked on some random goodies..then I had a voicemail from mindy asking me to come over to talk some more..so I did just that...but we didn't have much time, I arrived as she was getting ready for work..and again I didn't want to go into every little detail because I don't like to have breaks in the story, so I tried to feed her what she was asking about, enough to fill her up for awhile..but that didn't happen, she became more and more furious..and she left for work almost in tears...great....

so I waited around til mindy got off of work and then I made my trek back over there..we cleaned the male rats cage, we talked a little bit, but by then I didn't know what to say, she already thought I was withholding information because of my short little responses earlier..the night ended on a good note though..we watched Madagascar and called it a night..I think all was well?













"Yeah, I could use another follower, they come and go, only around after I turned water into wine.."

Memorable Monday
Good times, Bad Times...but mostly good?

This year's starting off with a BANG...and some yelling...and some nudity...

It started off like any ol Monday morning would..I woke up at Mindy's, got dressed, and went to work. The morning did start to prove to be a little unnerving, I was originally scheduled to work 11 to close, however they changed it to 1130 to LBD..whatever, I wasn't going to wait around forever, so I had then clock me in - which in the end really didn't matter seeings how my first table wasn't sat until 11:26...

Whatever, after work Mindy and I went across the street over to PetsMart to pick up some much needed items for the rats, mainly things to make them stop scratching...went back to Mindy's place, ate, napped, then I dropped her back off at work. went to my apartment and I found I had some packages along with a UPS note stating they tried to make a drop but needed a signature. So I made my trip over to the UPS store, got my huge box and went back to play with my toys.

After listening to some records it was time to do our Monday night ritual - Margaritas! It started off being just Elizabeth and myself, for the Neiler was nowhere to be found and Drapper had "reading" to do...but after some phone calls and some luring, Matt showed up with Adam K, then Rachann and Laurissa joined in..so there were six of us crammed into a four-top booth in the bar...then Char showed up, as did Natalie, and finally Chase...by then we moved to a larger table in another part of the restaurant.

Good times were had by all, I think it was one of the better times there..in the top 5 I'd say..Chris was our sever again, and he was training this new guy, so we had to give him hell...oh, and we had a deal with him, $20 if he got Laurissa drunk enough to make out with me...yeah...turns out he made 50 on a $60 bill..so yeah, we treat him well..

oh the best part was as we sat down, I remember seeing our host like every time we come in..so I start to try to remember her name, "Spring, Summer, April, Autumn, Fall..Rain...." I had it right the first time..so after my rambling and my charm, she started to give me this look..and as she walked away she kept giving me a look back..it actually made me a little uncomfortable....

so after we closed the place down we all headed back over to my place to play a little drunken DDR and hang out..and that's when things get a little shaky...in my classic drunken state, I made the infamous call to mindy, of course...

Well for starters she's a little mad, but I don't know it yet..and I go into the normal Jason rant, telling her how much I still am in love with her, friends doesn't work out, this that and the other...and I remember pausing to say I felt like I was the only one talking, and would ask her to talk..and when she didn't, I would start right up again...after I finished up, I think it was the lost signal that made that happen, she went off on me - stating how I didn't invite her out, I blew her off, we were supposed to clean the rats cage, she made dinner and didn't eat because she thought I was gonna eat with her..she hung up on me twice..and this caught the attention of just about everyone at my place...

so then the whole "white whale" analogy started, the talk about relationships, yadda yadda yadda make me feel stupid and I start ignoring people...mindy later sent an email, which I never got to read, due to the fact everyone was around, and to be honest at four paragraphs and six margaritas, it looked lengthy...so Adam gets the brilliant idea to go to Night Moves, the strip club..

so I get my clothes back on and we all pile into Matt's car and drive out there...and on the way Mishon, the friend of Natilie's I spoke to earlier, called and decided to meet us there as well....

and so it goes, I didn't enjoy being there..an instantaneous feeling of dirty overcame me and I just walked in the doors...Matt and Char were the first ones next to the stage, so I joined them to see what was all going on..Matt proceeded to pay for a dance for me...these girls were topless and didn't were bandaids over there nipples..and most of them had their nipples pierced. So while the girl is pushing her breasts upon my face I feel guilty and start asking her name, telling her my name, anything to make this better..

so after that I moved from the stage and walked around, joined up wit the others, who then proceeded to the stage and then I moved over to Mishon...as time grew on I meandered back to the stage and sat in the middle, passing on the girls to the person on my left...however that didn't work for the last girl, disregarding my motions for her to move past continued to dance, and dance she did..she was good, but I wanted it to end, so I said the classic line, "here, take it all" to make her move on..it worked....

Adam K incidentaly got her number and we were told to join them at Deny's, and we did just that...on the way over I remembered Mindy had my work shirt, the only clean one left, and I was to work in the morning - so I called her, just asking what time she had class..that's al I wanted, however this proved to be a more difficult task..with her wanting to argue with me being upset I ditched her, and everyone else trying to take the phone away from me, it lasted awhile..finally with someone yonking the phone from behind..mindy thought the phone just died since I just spoke about the battery being low..little did she know someONE else hung up on her..

the night grew on and draper grew restless..after the meal he drop us all back off at my place and I went to my bed to fall asleep, char on the couch, and one of the craziest nights to a close.













"I'll let you suck my cock if you show me your tits"

Another SomeDay...
..without a meaning...

The more and more I try, the more others don't....

Today was one of those days...and I don't know how to say it in any other words...it started with me waking up at 8, then 9, then 10, and finally just laying around awake trying to go back to sleep, but having it not work out for me..the temperature of the bed was too warm, but just at that right temperature not to make me sweat..when I did get up I didn't do anything but sit around..mindy called and I called her back a little bit later..

we started talking about the night prior, she thinking I was mad at her, again I digress it was the situation I was/currently am mad at, not her...she asked if I was coming over - no - and then there was silence, she wanted me to talk..and then when I did she just got upset and said "this is stupid", she wanted to talk in person..

so I get ready, dressed, and finished off my horrible oatmeal, head over to mindy's. I'm detached, not talking, and then I start to tell her about my bad dream I had last night, well half of I, the part where it was prep time for my suicide? yeah, whatever...so this conversation is going on, she asks me to continue talking while she showers..and by whatever chance of fate I'm in the shower too...and we talk, but about nothing in particular..

so then it's time for me to go to work..and I do..and let me tell you that was the most confusing thirty minutes of my life....I get to work..I'm in the family table section..grrrrr....and my entire section is full...so the hosts wan to seat seat me at 301, not in my section..it's Karla's - working the familytable with me, but the problem I have with swapping sections is, she's coming on the floor the same time as I am..so she will be walking in the door in literally two seconds..so they seat it anyways, Karla walks in, I tell her the story and she takes the table..

then Debby comes up to me and tells me the family table is adding more people to it and need another table..then she asks me to take the table all together since she was a lunch closer..she says she only has drinks out to them..so I oblige...well she had already rang in these drink orders and had the food order taken as well, for half the table...so now I got this mess..my section clears out and the hosts want to seat me...and then danielle comes up to me and asks if I can watch her 302 because she needs to pick up Fred, hands me her swipee card and leaves..

but things eventually got sorted out..and it was a looooooong drearily slow night..I sat down with my last table and just talked to them, it was the longest running joke possible, it all started with my table being off-balanced because it was a three top..so I sat down next to the one girl and even brought myself a drink..it was a good time, and they left a nice tip as well..somehow I managed to walk out of that place with forty dollars..

oh and it gets better when I tell you about Shady Katy...so she worked tonight, we had talked the night prior about doing something, mainly talking, tonight after work..well I was hinting at the subject all night..and to say hinting is beyond an understatement...so after I got cut and checked out I waited just a bit and she was cut as well..so I was waiting for her to say yay or nay..but as I turned my back for three seconds she was out the door...I've been blown off before, but jesus h that one was one hell of a slap in the face...

so then mindy was checking out, but was getting food, so I came home and dicked around on the computer forever..mindy called, but that was the end of my night..











"..and when I don't try, people hate me more..."

A Going Away Party...
.happening one more time?

And Nothing More.

Today had to be one of the worst days, very easily in my top ten worsts, and I hope it's going to be the worst day of the year, let alone for many days to come...and it all started at an "early" time, early to me, at 8am..

So Mindy had to get up early for her bar shift..I on the otherhand didn't have to be at work til 1145...many hours later, but I hate it when my sleep gets broken up into..anyways, I have to take mindy to her car, which is still at the OG, so essentially I take her to work. as we pull in the parking lot I pull along side her car and my car dies. it's out of gas. the gas gauge has been acting up, and acting differently than the norm..I've been on E in that car, I know how far that needle can and should go down...whatever, so I switch into Mindy's car with my gas can to get gas for mine...the whole gas experience is made even worse in part by the temperature - yesterday it was in the 60's..however on this morning it was 37..and I was dressed like it was still 60...whatever...

I get home and somehow manage to fall asleep...so I wake up at the time I should be clocking in, great...and the best part is, our district manager is there today..and in preparation or tat I wanted to clean and press my uniform..but wit me being late I just got the stains out with some bleach...I call saying I'm going to be late, I blame it on the fact I couldn't find an iron (which for the record I cannot find, I had 2 and I know one I kept in storage..so where the fuck is the other one!!!!!????) so I am making sure my uniform is ok Tom looks and points to a huge light purple stain on my shirt..the spots where I had bleached turned to this periwinkle color..so he went ot press a shirt for me...

a couple of my tables were already taken when I got there, and I was in bianco, so whatever...and then Tom comes out saying he can't get a shirt ready for me due to the fact Bob is walking in right now. but then things get better...I get the stain out, and my disposition on things get a bit cheerier, don't ask me why...however my last table left me a whopping 6 dollars on a $93 bill..a-frickin-mazing, and I totally called it...

so mindy and I left, went to BK, which was horrible, and then over to K-Roger to pick up some final items for the night's party...after tat we went back to out respective places of rest, I was going to change and again fell asleep...got up, dressed and mindy finally calls to see where I am, I was supposed to be helping her..but she did call me like an hour or so after we got home...so as I am going over to her place I took the back way, third, to be quicker...well on that really narrow part, where it's a scary one-way, there was some bricks or shit in the road I couldn't avoid, and I nailed them, I didn't think it was going to do much damage, but it blew out my front passenger tire..as always...so I changed that stupid thing and found out the leak in my truck was worse than I thought, surprised the spare wasn't rotted away...

got to Mindy's, helped her clean and make up things...whatever, people came over to say there goodbyes to Robert, who was leaving to spend some time in Russia and then get a job somewhere other than the Olive Garden. the party was good..a lot of people showed up, but I still think the party held for Bailey last year trumps the size of any party to date...I was a pleasant drunk for the first half..which was good, got my mind off of things...Shady Katy showed up, I tried talking to her, but she really didn't want anything to do with it - she's more interested in Ping (Pong).

so then the second half of the party the alcohol it me and I turned into that other guy, that sad guy...I wasn't trying to mope around, but depression just kinda leaves you immoblized, so I just kinda sat around, which was the exact opposite of what I was doing prior..I made some phone calls...one to the Exgirl Brooke asking what should I do if I run into her on the streets..and one to the Exfriend Amber...we talked for quite a bit of time but the end of our conversation got interpreted when mindy called looking for me...so then mindy found me, I gave her her phone back and as more people came to where we were I left,and left the party..I texted goodbye, talked to Darrel about things and got into my car...mindy called and asked why I was leaving, and that she thought I was staying the night...this is where things get confusing..

yes I did say that, HOWEVER, we have to look at the entire conversation and how things played out...it was something along the lines of, "hey, just to let you know, I'm staying the night with you tonight *wink wink* " which was meant to be taken somewhat sexually..I mean I had my chance to go home with a number of attractive females, but I was letting Mindy know out of all of them, I wanted to be with her..so blew me off by saying "whatever"

SO, for her to later in the evening bring up that conversation where I implied sexual activities between us as HER defense for me staying over...let me rethink some things here....

I gave Rachann a ride over to Dreamy's..I stayed for a bit, wrapping up my story, having a bunch of gay guys try to get with me, I go back over to my place to get some clothes for work tomorrow and call mindy to see if she is in fact still awake..she is, she wants me over..so I get there, she's about passed out on the couch..I go straight to bed without saying a word to those still there..and then I text mindy..I'm asking her she wanted me back..what am I doing there...Robert brings Mindy to bed..Drapper talks about making out with me (which 'making out' rings well in Mindy's ear apparently) so she has me help undress her, she's cold and cuddles all up on me, and then wraps her leg around mine and kinda rubs it up and down..so it's on now..I figure what the hell let's give this a shot.

I roll her over and start to talk to her, with some kisses on the shoulder, just to see what her stance is on things right now. well she doesn't want any part of it, says she's tired, cold, and her stomach isn't feeling well, she just wants to sleep..so I throw the 'ol, you've never had a problem making out with me while drinking before. (for the record I don't think anybody really caught that...not even myself) so we start talking, me trying to find a deeper meaning for why I was there..trying to find some sort of profound reasoning, maybe she has bottled up feelings for me...so I'm talking to her, trying to get things out of her..she's trying to ignore my questions and go to sleep. I finally decided to get up and dressed, which catches her attention a bit more..she tries to pull the "you're made because I wouldn't sleep with you" card, to which I reply with no, not at all..I wasn't expecting to sleep with you tonight, not at all..I just wanted some indication, most commonly depicted in action form, but spoken would have been just fine as well, that there was more, that Mindy Bruce was trying to suppress feelings for Jason...

at one point she said she did find me attractive, but as the story always goes, she just sees me as a really good friend..a best friend..I ask her if that opinion would change if I stopped hanging out with her so much, take away this "friendship" and let's see what happens....so as I am starting to go..which happened often, she would try to get me to stay, asking me to just go to sleep...and that we would talk tomorrow...which is a straight up lie. so I ask her the final true or false question, the one that would make me stay or make me go..."you see me as a friend and noting more" those last three words would be repeated several more times trying to get an accurate answer for she went into sleepy "uh-huh" mode..but after so many askings I had my answer. I got up, repeated those three words one last time to her, turned off the light and closed the door behind me...she was in half sentence as I walked out..but it was too late, I was already gone mentally.


I left..through the front door though I remember telling her I would use the back, since I can't lock the doors behind me..but I went through the front and never looked back mumbling the words, and nothing more.













"you know, everytime we talk I get all uncontrollably shaky..."

Week of Lame...
and nothing at all

but the same ol same ol..the Mindy Factor

So nothing new or exciting going on really....I had the day off today because I was supposed to go to Evansville for a checkup thing to see if I could partake in a study..which would have been awesome but I screwed that by wanting to stay sleeping next to Mindy..the only thing I really care about anymore...

I broke my glasses at the end of my shift Wednesday afternoon..I was at a compri and moved my glasses on my head..I heard a crack..so I examined them..and in the process the ear piece fell off, unfixable. so I served my tables with my glasses off for the remainder of my shift...til the very end when I finally wrapped scotch tape around it..so after work I had to figure out how this insurance stuff covers what and how and everything..had my eye appointment Thursday and it went really really quickly..almost too quickly..and apparently my astigmatism went down in my right eye..they had me try to put contacts in...I can't do it..and I don't know if I really want to, as many people have said, my glasses are apart of my personality, it makes up who I am...whatevs...

so I didn't like any of the frames they had to offer, so I paid my ten dollars and headed over to mindy's, who just finished up making home made pizza, which was delicious. Fabi came over and later that night we watched Melinda and Melinda..well I did..fabi made it halfway through and went home, and mindy of course was passed out...so she had me put it on the TV in her room and I finished it there.

which reminds me, I watched Primal Fear for the first time a couple nights ago and, my god, why have I not seen that movie before...the funniest thing, besides the slow clap at the end, was the fact seeing all the newscasters, actual newscasters playing the newscasters in the movie, made me a little homesick for the Chicagoland area..sad I know.

I spoke to my grandparents the other day just to check in, they love it when I do that. but there's no real news. I wished Zach and Ann a Happy anniversary, actually calling Zach's house in Lowell and speaking to his dad for a couple minutes before realizing it was actually James, not Zach...so I left a message on his machine a little bit later..to which I realize I love his greeting..it's so long and reminds me of the messages I leave for people, completely random shit..

all in all, I'm dying here in Bloomington, stagnant and can barely breathe..sure there's a world of things to do here, I'm sure I've just scratched the surface....but I cracked open the wrong part and kinda got sucked into it. I know I say this too often, but I am looking in to moving..I like to run from my problems as we all know..but if I move back I'll just come head on to my old problems..so in essence it was just a vacation, and you can't progress forward lest you kill the demons of the past? I've got nothing..literally...













"Nobody can hurt me like I hurt myself - nobody can disappoint me like I disappoint myself - it's nobody's fault but mine"

Manscapping Monday...
or MiLK Day...

It's a Holiday...really?

So the thing I am most upset by is the fact there was no mail delivery service today..I've got things coming to me..I need my mail! anyways, MiLK day was nothing to get excited about...too many servers were on the floor, we hardly held the business for it..I was in bianco and the only thing that made me happy were my seven young ladies who came to visit me.

on a happy note, I finally got to play DDR Extreme 2 today..which was awesome beyond all belief...I really like how it just lets you keep playing til you want to quit, instead of having rounds of three or five. so I played for almost an hour then I showered...there really wasn't too much to do after that..I felt like I wanted to do something, find direction in my life..but I kinda exerted all my energy by stomping around..

I waited around til mindy called, which was somehow 10 - and I did make a comment about (she was a split for crying outloud) anyways she remedied it by having pizza leftover for me. she came and picked me up, we went over to WalMart where she bought more candles and sheets and other random things..she's just as bad as I am...

after that we got home, I finally got to eat..I was in fullout guy mode, what with dressing "like a guy", watching sports, and having a cold one in my hand..I watched the end of the LA Lakers VS the Miama Heat Bball game while Mindy was rearranging her room...after that we watched Primal Fear and called it a night..













"Would Mindy Bruce please come to the exit..."

Holy Sunday...
we should be resting...

Thou shalt not toil on the Sabbath....

so I was paid to take this Sunday morning shift..it wasn't a close, just some shift and I figured why not...well, now I know why I haven't worked a Sunday in over two months..they suck balls..I suppose there was hilarity brought on by the churchies that you just can't get on any other day....

well for starters I only made twenty dollars, after tip out...which is less than I make on any given Monday..I got stiffed on my second to last table with a fifty dollar bill, and the bastards bought a frickin' cheese grater...my eight top that I got to grat was all soup and salads, so there was my twelve dollars of the day..

I didn't feel too badly, one of Karla's tables not only threw up on her table, but they stiffed her as well...and I swear if I get scolded for bringing wine to my table by my table I will kill somebody..it's what we are supposed to do!!! anyways, the clincher for the afternoon was when Adam K. took an eight top by himself, he wanted to put a grat on it and make some money for the day..well as they sat down Adam only saw seven people and he asked if they were waiting for one more..they said that seat's for the Lord..yeah....so the big debate was whether or not he could put a grat on them....

after work I watched the finale of the colt's game..crazy game, sad ending..and then I watched the Bear's lose too...all in all it was a sad day in sports...mindy and I took a nap and then went over to Friday's, met up with Fabian and dined in..afterwards I spent $130 on four DVD's and a book at Boarders...I really shouldn't be allowed in that store...got back to Mindy's, continued to clean, never got to watch Melinda and Melinda, but instead went to sleep..













"Well, He's just gonna order a water so he doesn't get charged, and then turn it into wine.."

Old Habits...
..bring back memories...

Things are always awkward to wake up to..esepecially when it's next to me...

ending last night on a horrible note with me being my normal drunken-self, saying things that I've said all too many times onto ignorant ears, me getting upset and wishing I could go home I woke up slightly calm, and a bit forgiving? well I wouldn't go that far, only forgiving in the sense that I'll continue to hurt myself and you can have your way only because I'm a masochistic bastard...

I worked in the morning and everyone commented on how happy I was, and asked if I was drunk, or still drunk..which amazed me, especially since as I said, things didn't go so well hours earlier..whatever, the theme of the day was "cocksucker", getting back to my roots for those of you who remember the Jason of the early 2000's..so yeah, everyone was a cocksucker or should be sucking cock basically.."Hot Food Go" job description had a parenthetical of "also sucking cock" added to it...the hosts were told to suck more cock..all in all it was a pretty entertaining day..I tried finding someone to add to our list to go to the movies with us (me) but that never happened, and the girl I had dibbs on I lost...whatever..

so I eventually made it home, around 6 or so and passed out..but would wake up randomly to shut up my phone..so it wasn't anything useful..I started to clean the house a bit, 9:30 came around I tried to back out of movie plans, but Rachann and Drew came over, I got dressed and we decided to go to Friday's to eat since we missed the movie..Drew and I were the sexiest bitches at Friday's no doubt..our server sucked, I asked for caramel and got frosting...whatever, I shouldn't have been so generous with my tip...after eating we made our way to Rachann's where she literally tried on twenty different tops - a quick stop nonetheless...

after she finally picked out an outfit to wear she took me back home and ran into the telephone pole as she backed out of the parking space..best driver ever...I got a phone call from Donna, very pleased to hear from her..she said she misses me, awwww. after we talked I went over to 412 where they were having a little dance party..and everyone was drunk, even the twins...it was ridiculous..I enjoyed my time there, I would have stayed a bit longer but there were other stops I had to make, and the hour setback from the picking of shirts escapade wasn't very helpful...

from there I went to Kirkwood to find Mindy at the bars..well as soon as I turned down the street I was not having it...people were everywhere, taxis were coming at me in my lane, it was retarded...the bars were crowded like never before, but I was able to make it through the masses and find her at Nick's..They closed shortly after that and we moved over to Upstairs and the Jungle Room..I just really wanted to go...

as it rounded three we finally left, never made it over to Chase's party but whatevs, instead I went over to Mindy's where we had some food and then called it a night I believe...What a turn of events from only 24 hours prior....whatever, I hate myself as much as I hate my actions...............oh, and I never got my call from shady lady either...













"The hosts need to suck more cock - I'm down - you do realize that YOU'D be performing the act, not receiving!"

Breaking resolutions....
...so what?

I did so much of nothing, it actually was damaging....

It's a little funny, the situation I put myself in...I finally make a stand to not so much time with Mindy and everything in the world is making it the hardest ever to prove that possible...the latest tiff with my roommate causes me to not want to step foot in the house..but I'm not gonna lie, when I'm there I feel as if I reign supreme over all and if someone were to stop in, they would be under my mercy..

so yeah, as I was saying...I spent the better part of my day off sleeping..then went and did some shopping..purchased the new DDR Extreme 2, have yet to play it though, bought two movies, and searched around for a new record player - with no luck.

it was around five when mindy called, and then came over to pick me up..she had to go shopping at the places I had already been to that day, so I went with nothing better to do and me really wanting her company. by the time she was finishing up I was completely dead and I passed out in her bed..I had made half-plans with people for today throughout the week..but I was little too tired to do anything.

I believe after my nap we made some food only to stay up a little bit longer and pass out. I ended up staying the night only because mindy picked me up therefore I didn't have a car...never made it to the Bird, never did anything I should have but instead broke my ten day streak of not staying with mindy...I also had to explain to her the extreme hotness of a girl sleeping next to you wearing only panties...probably the sexiest thing possible..almost completely naked, yet covering up the right parts with a small amount of silky lace...

and people (she) wonders why I go crazy..













"You're wearing that to bed..well I'm awake now.."

Shady Katy...
Terrible Tuesday...

Wow, couldn't any more crap hit me this month???

Well this morning was interesting, ok..as interesting as this could be..I woke up moments before my alarms went off, which were set for 9am, yeah I did that on purpose as well...anyways I turned those off and fell back asleep only to get up with enough time for a quick shower, shave, and off to work I went....I served in the morning, only made 40 but my last table, which was sat at 1:30ish stayed forever..I clocked out, had lunch, left and came back form my 4:00 hosting shift and they were still there...I checked on them this entire time too, I wasn't neglecting them - they were just catching up...

so I hosted, as I stated previously, which was interesting..I haven't hosted in quite some time and only picked it up on a whims, Katy and Mindy both were scheduled to work tonight so I figured what the hey...well so the story goes, the best part was the part where we had a new hire, he's hosting this week, and next week will undergo server training..so out of all the hosts they had who do they give the new guy to to follow and learn from...that's right me...what a slap in the face to all the other hosts working that night...

ohh, it was awesome, for a better part of an hour we walked around, I pointed out little things here and there trying my best to train him as a host they will only use for a week...I talked a lot about serving though. Katy was getting mad at the fact I wasn't seating my section, among other things, such hostility from this little girl...anyways, the night went on but it couldn't go out without a craptacular bang.

Let's just say people are shady..we'll get to it in a sec....so after I finished up being a host, my shadow went home, I washed Mindy's bar dishes and then had a long heart to heart with Chase at the makeout booth, 434

the night did have a nice Bang of sorts..well I went and said something to mindy, Doug the manager came over and started talking to Chase..well I saw him bending over and starting to charge, with full momentum going for me I smacked him right on the ass in one of the loudest smacks possible..Doug about had a heart attack, literally grabbing for his nitroglycerine around his neck...he went limping away like tom..

so I went with mindy back to her place, we talked about my conversation with Chase and she started to fall asleep...and for whatever reason I had a good feeling about tonight, the way things were working out between us, and even still I feel as if something could have happened, but I tried making a little bit of moves on Mindy..it obviously went dead at that point..I wanted to stay the night, she wanted me to stay the night, both with differing motives and desires behind them..we kinda talked about it...she told me not to take it the wrong way and just sleep next to her..I told her I could say and tell myself all I wanted, it's not gonna change the way I truly feel...so I left once, without saying goodbye (I thought she was asleep), received a phone call as I got to my car..went back in, talked some more, and on the note of, "nope, means nothing to me" I left

met up with chase and chantel at the Vid..we talked..it was something to get my mind off of things, only to get them right back on it...they give me a lot of credit for doing what I do...but honestly, does it matter? does it really make a difference to anyone, including myself if I don't sleep next to mindy..all I am doing is setting up myself for lonely nights, lonely cold night...and sure I may want to wake up next to someone knowing that they are the special one for me..what's wrong with a live in partner..it's not like we are friends with benefits or anything...whatever...nobody cares, nobody should....

**this is all speculation** and as for shady dealings..Kathleen..oh that little she-devil - well, she has the nerve to lead me on..saying she'll call me, we'll hang out, we'll talk about the situation at hand...she even went as far as asking me when the last time I kissed Mindy, among other random questions....and then, tonight, this guy walks up to the bar, orders a drink from mindy and introduces himself as Kathleen's boyfriend..and once his party arrives, they get a table and she gets off and sits with him...so here I am, with only 48 hours ago there was no "there's someone else" or "I'm kinda interested in someone else" speeches being made..but I get this..actually I didn't even get it, I got it from mindy....so was this a big setup, is he one of those guy's who is quick to judge..maybe it was her ex...maybe girls are just shady fucking people and I have lost all hope in mankind by January 10th..

What's funny is this post made months prior seems all to much like a preminition...or just the sad truth











"I didn't think she was that shady - well look with what we are dealing with...she does have a vagina..."

Today's the Day...
..it all comes to a close...

so I said something would end in '06, maybe I found it already..along with a revival of sorts...

So work was work..I made a nice amount of money, all on horrible tips though..but the main focus was on my state of mind from the day prior...I woke up angry and just continued to become more and more angrier...there was one point where I calmed down, but only because I had worn myself out, so I wasn't really calm I was just fatigued and wanted to lie down, curl up into a ball, and die (or kill someone)..but it soon came back, an hour or so before I got to leave work..

I left, on a note that seemed all too familiar...I made a very cutting sarcastic comment to/about/intended for Mindy that just went straight to the core of her..she felt the sting of the burn - and me in my all-assness mood simply replied the tables have turned yet again, I was mean to you from April to June (which she in fact stated only twelve hours prior), she was mean to me from that point til December, and now it's back to me as good ol me..she didn't like that and we kinda left on a sour note...

back home I tried to pull it together, just calm down, but not lie down..I may have been tired but I wanted/needed to do things? Well I'll be blunt, I never did anything really..did make a random trip to Best Buy in hopes to purchase DDR Extreme 2 with my newly acquired gift exchanged gift cards, but they were out, and would be out for quite some time...so I looked around at the DVDs for an extended period of time..but I do not like to purchase DVDs outside of my DVD club..for you see with my DVD I get little cash back bonuses I can use to basically get movies for free..so I made a mental list of movies I would like to purchase from my club if they so had them available, if not Best Buy it is...

made a stop at the bank and found a new delicatessen nearby as well...at home I spent the better part of the night watching the rest of Season to Arrested Development and doing nothing online...

it was late in the evening, however, when I reached my moment of brilliance..I was Wrong...no no, not about the whole A&E thing, I'm right on about that...but I was wrong about my regards and expectations for '06. We were so quick to come up with the phrase "None of that in '06", which only sparked the Development of my feelings to emotions, getting mad, depressed, feeling lonely, all would be different in '06..no more hating people, no more drama..such high expectations would only result in failure, which is why I among my commoners fail in my eyes..I often put expectations too high on people...thinking people won't betray you, won't backstab you, won't show emotion of flightyness saying "look at me look at me"..for that I was wrong too...













It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.

You're a Cunt,
A Backstabber,

Just an all-out Bitch....the both of you

Well let's get the other shit out of the way first...we had a meeting this morning at 8am, and I'd say there was a record number of drunk/hungover people for it..good thing it only lasted an hour because I really wanted to get back to bed before my 1145 shift...though sleep didn't really happen, and neither did eating..I just was in and out of it, with my stomach turning over as much as I was..so at work it was lame, I made a bill, go me, and then I was on my way home at 5, and that's where things get crazy...

I basically came across the fact that my roommate is a backstabber and is in collusion with a mentally unstable ex-friend of mine, A&E..well in light of such information I was fuming, I made calls, called people names, and left in a furry... (really..me fuck you over???again???riiiiiiiiiight)

you know just as I was starting to have some sort of trust form out of the cracks of a shady mold she presents herself with it all comes crashing back into my face..just as she and I were hanging out again..me incorporating her with my friends, even having a potential hook-up for her..she has the back of some bitch she barely knows..

so I went out, bought some records, spending more money I really shouldn't have, but I needed something to take the edge off...I came back and watched arrested development..I waited for a call from Kathleen, but instead mindy called..and like a moth to the flame, like habit I went..we hung out, she passed out and I went home at 2am...













"Amber - You fucking Cunt!!!"

Pre-Meeting Drunkness..
and Neiler's B-Day...

All in all it was an exciting night with a different crowd..things looking up this year

going against prior statements made only hours before my 11am phone call I got up and went with mindy for lunch. in my head everything still rings true, I still feel the same way, nothing has change, I didn't sleep on it and feel better now..it's still the same...but in her attempts as a girl she persuaded me with food to hang out..this is really a point for her because she can now think everything is fine and back to normal, making everything I said null and void..and thus I lose steps in progression

I didn't come to this conclusion until I sat down in the Chinese restaurant. we had lunch..I tried to be "jerk Jason" the one that doesn't care what you think - I don't love you no more guy, we've all seen this one.. but I don't totally blame her for this happening, I mean I do let it happen, I do it to myself..all because of Hope....

so she rushed out of lunch to get to work on time...I took my time and eventually made it to work a little bit later. work got frustrating...I actually went off on the hosts, a thing which I have never really done before.. I may have called them jerks or stupid, but I actually took a mount out of my time to run up to the host stand, which at the time they were all up there, and curse them out left and right for their actions...I later told their manager of my outlash and he knew something was up.

so after work it was time to get our drink on...Drapper came over and we headed straight to Upstairs...and from there it was all over...we were kinda early, well just before the crowd got there. I took notice to two young ladies sitting at the bar, one in particular who had a pleasant disposition as I put it..as more people came in I saw countless number of men going up and talking to them..I made conversation about how I wished I could be one of those guys, who talks and girls are interested...til then...Chase and his gang showed up later and not to mention Nina, char and Rachann making an appearance, but that was at the jungle room (Rachann couldn't get into upstairs for some reason...)so we moved things over there....and soon after it was just a big mess of wandering back and forth from place to place...I had only two drinks, an AMF and a white Russian, but the treated me right...I had a continuous morethanbuzz/not completely drunk thing going on all night...I never felt bad, but I knew I couldn't drive so much...and it lasted all night, it was the singlemost best buzz ever...

there was hilarity, drama, dancing..just about everything you may want out of a night...I remembered it was Kneeler's birthday at some point and decided to give him a ring. I came to find out that he was just sitting at home jerking off, all his friends had ditched him or didn't have things going on so I told him to meet me out at the bars and I'll do him right...so only moments later he and his brother showed up, and to a barrage of alcohol he received. I was with Nina and Char as Kneele came up to me and they had all met once or twice before, and upon hearing it was his birthday were buying shots like he was one of the gang...he was really touched by their gesturing and I said at the OG we are really big on celebrating people's birthday's...hey, when you're with us, you're family ;-)

so things got turned up a notch for everyone at that point...and once closing time came all were overcome with sadness and a feeling of wanting to let go..Drapper dropped me off...too drunk to drive myself anywhere I merely harassed those I would have shown up on their doorsteps..at 4 I received a call to get into a hottub just down the road, but I was already half-naked laying in bed..trying to get a few hours of sleep before the 8am meeting and my morning shift following that...so I passed out.













"Hey look, it's that girl from the other bar - accidentally touches her immediate scared look - oh Hi...oh my god I just touched her"

Back to Normal....
Not Illinois though...

Getting back on track with things and continuing with more substance abuse.....

so I did wake up next to mindy this morning... ... ... and she wanted to get breakfast, as she was leaving my hunger finally hit so I met up with her at her place for some grub..she went off to work and passed out in her bed til 2..from there I went shopping, originally with the intention to buy work shirts...however $112 later I had only one work shirt, and surprisingly it was the most expensive item I purchased, whatever.

I went on to work, which was completely lame..I was a 445 and knew I'd be there well after I should be. the night was slow, and I was on the family table...though it actually did get sat with a "15", which turned into an eleven..so I was missing yet another table since they pulled it over to accommodate...I gambled with the hosts on that they don't seat me past a certain time in hopes I'd be cut by then, and it worked out beautifully.

many half-assed plans were made, several people all wanting to do something, but since there was a division on what nobody could really confirm things. I got home and Drapper soon arrived as well, bringing a friend along with...so we waited as I made calls and hoped to hear a response reply soon...Elizabeth came home and about that time we decided on picking things up and getting the ball rolling..

we headed over to Jeff's..played beer pong for a bit as Elizabeth DeeJayed..I heard the most ear-piercing statement ever in the history of mankind - it came from Jeff - "50 cent and David Mathews are the two best musicians around (and I think he said ever...)" at that point I came to the conclusion it was time to leave...Charlene and Rachann were supposed to be on their way over but after an hour of not seeing them, we waited no longer and went to Nick's to catch up with a large group hanging out there..

Leah handed me over her Cosmo she couldn't finish, and this thing has some bite to it..especially on an empty stomach..so in light of that I decided to start drinking and maybe catch up to Katy K who had been periodically calling me to let me know what her status was, and if we were going to hang out...we picked out some songs on the jukebox, which never played, and watched Robert play some kick ass pool..he made a couple bets with me saying he could hit certain shots..but he couldn't convert..

so on our way to Upstairs we went..we were really on the search for Randall, a guy we worked with who was supposed to be in town this week...well that never happened so it wasn't a big loss there, he's kinda shady like that anyways. We danced for a good hour or so and by then it was close to three, the bars were closing and we all called it a night..

At home I ate some delicious lasagna, something to get into my system finally...and just as I was winding down at 4 I got a phone call from that little lady Katy K..apparently the cops were outside and shining lights into the house so she had to be quiet and would return my call in a few minutes..so I wake up and start to get dressed ( though I was already pretty much clothed) and I wait..thinkng I may have to bail someone out of jail or just pick up someone...and as the minutes ticked on, I grew more and more tired...so once the clock turned an hour later arriving on five I made a last call to see what was going on, no answer, left a message, and then passed out...I have yet to receive a reply....













"I'm trying to catch up so we can both blame the alcohol for our actions together in a little bit - yeah drink up!"

Every Day in Passing...
passing with every day

Starts off sprinting..hopefully we won't run out of gas....

So another day for more money, another beverage to go down to my tummy...Woke up this morning with the realization it's been too long since I've slept in my own bed, everything seemed so out of place, not right, not "at home" to me..how do I go about setting the alarm on my clock, where is the heavy blanket that used to keep me safe, and why is not there a little radiator next to me for cuddling...well whatever I got ready for work and tried to recollect how long the drive from my place to work actually takes..regardless I made it on time...

work was very lame..I ended up only making thirty dollars and I got sat as they cut me, luckily Rachann picked it up for me so I could make my exodus at 2:30. And on that note I was on my way home. I devoured my sub and started multi-tasking; working on such things from getting the internet to work, to calling places to fix random fuckups...I watched TV, then DDR'ed followed by a shower of course and somehow that managed to consume the better part of the day into night. I made a trip to the bank for a deposit, grabbed some Wendy's at midnight, which I was very upset for purchasing, but you'll see why I did in a sec...

so I did one of the hardest things possible tonight, and I know it's not going to get any easier. mindy made two calls to me at 10:15, right after she got off of work..I missed them..but returned her calls around 11..she was sleepy, I knew this from the voicemail. the gift exchange was supposed to take place tonight (well this was made up on the fly...) but since mindy couldn't get ahold of me, it didn't go down, and in reality Mindy was looking for any excuse possible to not do it and go to sleep.

so we talked, she asking twenty questions and me being as vague as possible...after I gave her my daily rundown, she asked if I was coming over..and this is where it gets thick. using what tactics I could to get the idea across that I wasn't coming over without actually saying it was my battle plan. I figured since she was already to pass out and I was very hungry and wide awake there would be no point in me coming over...but she wanted a definite answer..nothing "implied" or something that can be deduced..I told her to use some pillows and pretend it was me ( now that's more of a shot than what you may think - backstory to that is whenever she wants to stop cuddling with me ((or so it seems)) she will ask for her large pillow to sleep with, this is a two part defensive measure involving a sleeping position that now faces me and the pillow as space inbetween for a safe buffer zone....(((I read too deep into all this..)))..)

so I didn't go over to Mindy's, as much as I wanted to, and almost fell victim to, I somehow held my grounds, only with the help of offbeat circumstances. and as I have been posting the drafts from many a month ago I can almost compare what I'm doing now versus back in May. the actions are the same, me not wanting to hang out with mindy or be around her and answer her every beckoning call, but the reasoning behind such actions is slightly different this time...

whereas before in May I was merely acting out on the situation of us being together but not being labeled together while in the midst of a private affair...so I wanted to keep my distance without getting hurt (we all saw how that panned out) And now I'm simply doing what every guy in a "platonic" relationship only dream about..I'm making a stand, breaking things off and putting everything in jeopardy - one of the riskiest things one could possible do.

why risk the wonderful thing you already have, just because you are greedy and want a little more...but at the same time how can you go on involved in that relationship lying to not only yourself, but everyone who comes into contact with the two of you...so who's hurting in the end will most likely always end up you - unless you get that miracle..and I kinda pulled mine off in September...

so whatever, right after the call ended Elizabeth called and wanted to go out after she got off of work, so I got Matt over..and later we went and hung out and Nick's..another day alcohol has been poured into my system, making this day four, or every day in '06 if you are keeping track...we got back to our place and Charlene and Rachann dropped in as well...we all watched High Fidelity - making this probably one of the most depressing and saddest, yet liveliest starts for a new year..

after the movie all was well and I went to bed, alone.













"I've had alcohol everyday this year...well I said something was gonna die this year..this one's for you liver!"

January Second....
the first real day of the year...

though it's kinda funny that a lot of places still weren't open even today..so it makes me wonder....

the day start off as any mundane Monday morning would, I went off to work, for just the morning shift...to be honest though we were busier than any Monday I can remember...we were still on a wait at 4 when the shift change happened, with only the splits being cut...so all in all it was a very busy morning..well, for some, I rocked a three table section, bored to tears and still brought home $140...with my last table telling me that I gave them the best service they have ever received...really?

just for the record that table was my last one to be sat, a fourth, but only momentarily for I had a check down and that table paid and got out instantly. and all while I was "serving" them I was actually in the break room talking to Kathleen as she rolled...whatevs....

after work I made my way home...tried to stay awake, but to no avail...took a nap and then got up, pondering whether it was too late to do margaritas for I really didn't want to rush my awoken state...so I watched arrested development..and as I starting to entertain the thought of eating the rest of my subway sandwich and p[laying DDR, I got a call from Fabian informing me that he and several others were on their way to Tumbleweed...

so I got up, dressed, and went..I had a very good time, a lot of people showed up..my only problem was that we sat at the bar..which with that amount of people isn't the best arrangement. so as the crowd thinned out, well after closing time, we came up with the idea to go to Yogi's and get some more drinks - why not..

there I received the worse tasting white Russian I've ever had..so I didn't even finish that..but we sat, we talked, yadda yadda yadda Drapper showed up..then we moved it over to my place to play some DDR...which I was all about.

Neil popped in after hearing what was going down...and after some crazed footing with some heavy songs he was out of breath and on his way home. With an ordering of a pizza, The Rolling Stone, from Rockits, the final four to stay watched I Heart Huckabees...but the ladies passed out long before then men, and with Charlene in my arms snoring loudly I said to Matt, this is already the start of a great year.....

and as the movie ended so did the night, Matt didn't stay though, saying something about his hatered towards a bed, Char was knocked out and not getting off the futon, and I..I laid awake in my bed for a bit longer...












"Let's have none of that in '06"

Two Thousand And Six..
Feet Under....

Something's gonna die in '06....but what?

Time to get some resolutions in action...

Happy Festivus
For the Rest of Us....

If you don't know, you wouldn't be reading this anyways.....

Today marks the beginning of Festivus, and as we all know, it is not finished until the head of the household gets pinned...well, I'm not sure I have a "head of the household" so I really don't know when this thing is over....

On other notes it was a random Friday, with me working a double....the mood is breaking fast and we are on a steadily increase downhill..tomorrow is X-mas Eve and I'm not quite sure what to do with anything anymore...

So I'll leave it at that..work was more than lame and I just wanted to go home as soon as possible....I want my day off for just myself..though I don't know why I am pushing for it so soon, I mean I'l be getting plenty of those days soon enough...













Bah Humbug!!!!!

To Love and Be Loved...
..is nothing more cynical

So they say the worst is watching the one you love, love someone else..and I think I may know what second is...

Really messed up relationships must be my thing. honestly, as I sit here at 4 in the morning I have been brewing over past "loves" and "run-ins" and they all come out with the same equation = completely off the charts.

For the most part, the run-ins, as I like to call them, would be the lesser of the evils; though the only evil is made on my part. these poor girls show an interest in me and I could care less..we all remember "let's take this bitch home" and "scar-face"...

but I'm "maturing", realizing the nature that is Jason Angus - for once in my life I've put my powers of charm, charisma, intelligence, and decent looks to work, and I must say..if I put my mind to it, I can achieve it...but I am growing in other ways too....starting to "grow-up" if you will...no, I'm still the crazy Jason, just some wisdom has been bestowed upon me. a sense of self-understanding and being able to see things on the otherside for a change have made their ways into my livelihood...and all because of a certain someone...dare I say that...

so I'm in this rut..I don't know how to get out of it, I like where things are at, but changing it would jeopardize the entire structure..only because a change about things would be the destruction of it..I'm simply stating it won't go to where I'd want the change to go, and I'd have to resort to drastic measures, i.e. backup plan B - cut and run.

and while that seems absolutist and extreme, we all know how much of an advocate I am for all or nothing...extremes (usually both sides) is how I roll...and because of that, that one little characteristic flaw, my hopeless romantic/novel-esque feeling, I have not matured.

I can't explain why I think that way, I don't know if it was something I was taught, or if it is indeed a flaw that one cannot change.

one should feel all the energies of the world on their side when they are in love..but it actually brings me to pain to say it..mainly becuase I am in love, but the love is unrequited, and for that I feel like a failure..I don't like being let down by anyone, and when I prove myself to be in the wrong, it is the worst feeling in the world.

so the story of my life, and anybody else for that matter, the ones who love me I do not return the love to; and the ones I love do not return the love to me...and it's always going to be that way...the person I want to be with is someone I want to be in love with..but I feel as if no matter what (and I am only saying this right now) I will pull more weight in the relationship..I will love them more than they love me...and if I go the other way with it, having them love me more than I love them, I'd feel horrible, because I know I would not be the same as if I were to be truly in love with them..somebody's always getting screwed.

and then there's the phrase, "if you love something let it go"..I don't think I get that phrase..sure there's the crappy whatever of "if you truly love something for what it is, rather than just having it in your life, you will want only the best for it as well, and if that means not with you, then so be it"..that's one of those two cent lines like "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before"..hindsight is 20/20 and we can never go back....again anyother situation where you are just damned..having never loved you will always long to know what it is like to love, to experience the joy that is love...and having loved and lost gives the realization that you'd rather not...

so basically what I am getting at is I believe I may have given up on this whole situation...as much as I want it to happen, and as much as everyone is now suddenly believing in me as well, I think the towel will be thrown in...and maybe not just on this situation, but in the zenith of my career..it's gonna get lonely in here













"it always is darkest before it goes pitch black"

Black Friday...
even darker results...

So I'm not quite sure why things happen....

So continuing with the awake all night events, we made it back to Bloomington by 5, making excellent for the record. we were kinda thinking Best Buy was open, but who knows, this town is funny and doesn't like to do things normally. so we pull in and come to the realization that they are indeed open...the lot full of cars was the dead give-away. so mindy lets me out and I run in to grab the goodies..all I can say is swarms of people everywhere. I fought through lines to get the DVDs I wanted...and as I am getting an employee to get us the TV that's on sale Mindy finds me...so she gets in line, I wait for the guy to finish up...and go about finding a few other things..

well we waited in line for an hour and a half...and there was a confusion with the TV, cashier telling us to pick it up in the back, the guy in the back telling us to come back later and pick it up in the front...so mindy and I go home and fall asleep...well not intitially....

as we get to her apartment, we found out a few things..one, the heat needed to be turned on - seeings how it was only 56 in there..and two, the biggest of them all, our rats had babies...yup.

so we slept til 330, get ready and headed for work....and work was completely dead...I think I had only 6 tables...none at all for the final hour I was there..there was no wait, I had no tables, I was on the line cooking to be a smartass about things..and I was finally out of there by 915...making 40 dollars...

so I left to go back to Best Buy and pick up that TV...well I knew before even walking in there was going to be a problem, I just got these feelings...so there inevitably was a problem, they sold the TV...so they were scrambling to find one..and they did, the only problem was it was on hold for a lady already....but she was coming in to pick it up on December 1st....so they gave me that one in hopes they received a replacement in enough time for the other customer...and because I was "really nice about the whole thing" they gave me a $10 gift card, I thought that was cute of them..

so I get back to Mindy's, haul it up the stairs, and set it up...made myself a plate of food and then went over to Robert's for Poker Night Friday's...it got "interesting" slash stupid when Wil was betting retardedly without even looking at his cards..whatever, I got fourth out of 8, and only went all in after the fifth round of raising before the flop!!!

I stopped back home and made a phone call...only because she asked me to call her back after I was finished with poker.....well, either coincidental timing or just bad luck...but we "lost signal" (or maybe she hung up on me..it's hard to tell....) and just to make things clear to you, she asked me what I did for thanksgiving...I told her I went to Mindy's..and started rambling about other things just so she wouldn't get any ideas...so I'm rambling, and don't hear a response, look at my phone, and it's been disconnected for quite some time...how long I am uncertain, but Kitty more than likely heard the mindy part and that was it...

I tried calling her back several times, left two messages...we will just have to see what happens....

Random Date
Random Quote

Randomness leads to randomness

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a man, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn and you learn.

With every goodbye, you learn.













"My pants are on fire!"

First SNOW '05
Light but fallin'

As always I'm here to report the first snow fall of the year...

Well it started early this morning, somewhere around 6-7am...it wasn't anything powerful..just some flurry action; very light and faint, but definitely snow flakes falling...as the temperature dropped under 32 degrees in the afternoon, the snow continued

Half Gone..
..I can only hope for the best...

Knowing something bad should happen is like waiting for the door to open.

So November is halfway finished and I'm crossing my fingers for the rest of the month...I've made it this far, not saying it's all been a bed of roses, but I've made it this far. Of course we all know that the "November Breakdown" came after Thanksgiving last year...And we haven't even made it past the seventh yet....

so what to do with this wish-washy state of things..You got me, I'm just cruising along in the passenger seat of the ride asking if we can get off at the same stop. I really wish something would happen; be it good or bad, just something - the inbetween stage is not a good one, but it is far better than nothing at all.

so to put it nicely, "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" I've never quite made it to the top, only rested on the bottom admist the middle of nowhere and beats-me-ville..maybe if I were to achieve making it to the top I would be better off, like it more..but then again it is Jason we are talking about, so who knows...for all we know this may be as good as it gets...

it's really a weird place to be in, everything threatens your lifehood - you struggle for your existence when really, do you even have to? I don't recommend this to anyone, but maybe, just so others know what I am going through..

it's hard to make sense of anything, especially when nothing is expected, moods can change like the turning of the tides; it just happens and there are no foreseeable warnings...You battle and throw yourself out there day after day, to keep hold of the ground you had the day prior, but in reality your just retarding the ever eventual process of your elimination.

what do you do?

talking about it doesn't help, probably just makes things worse..but if it's the most apparent thing on your mind, just what do you do. You hope that by talking about things everything else will just snap and fall into place..And then you become so desperate you hope that "fall into place" is really a metaphor for anything more than what you have, good or bad, just something more.

Jason's getting a little frustrated these days, and the situation isn't helping. I'm thinking of doing really stupid things I know I'll just regret later..things that don't even make sense now, but it's something..something I think will ease the tension, but in reality would just mess me up even moreso.

and then there's an even bigger question of what to do with myself..let's not even go there now.

so this winter should be interesting...I hope for the best, but will assume it's not the case..soon it will be a new year...which means absolutely nothing.









" Living the dream baby, living the dream...if only"

Bright Eyes
All right

Spilt beers, broken drumsets, and a good time

all in all the concert was alright, it had it's moments, both good and bad. despite what some may think I don't think the openers were all that horrible...they were Conner's children if you will, carrying the same folky spirit of telling a song with just a guitar...I liked the first guy the best, the second dude was just lame though...

the harp intro for Bright Eyes was nicely done, and the use of many different musical instruments was what I appreciated the most. the song choice however, not so good.. I know I know, Bright Eyes has so many songs to choose from, how could you ever narrow it down to just an hour set, with a couple song encore as well...well to be honest, it sucked....seriously most of the songs they played were songs I would have hit the Next button on my winamp.

the closer, "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and Be Loved)" was ridiculously amazing..props for the best closer ever..whodathunk to use a ten minute long song, actual album length ten minutes, no solos or anything like that, to close with..whatever it was cool, though I think they shortened it up just a bit..anyways it was awesome because Conner called out the openers to play with him, and there were at one point two and half drum sets with four drummers...whatever, overzealous use of the drums equals major fun in my book!

Conner of course was trashed by this point, and started to knock over the equipment...even better! so for those reasons, I think it was the best encore I've ever witnessed...

but the venue was too big, very intimidating to the openers, and you know..it's not the type of music you go to a concert for...there is no stage presence or performance, because these guys tell stories...you listen in and out of while you with your friends throwing back a gin and tonic...I would love to see any one of those artists in some dumpy night club, where they are within their element and then everything would be perfect.

so after the concert I went home with mindy, we were going to watch Memento, but that never happened, and thus you have it...my Sunday of no work and a concert.









"Soo I just paid nine dollars for this minisized snack of chocolate cookie dough balls?"

And it Begins...
The Start of Bad Days

So today was a completely horrible day..and I'm not really sure why...

as soon as I woke up this morning my joy was stolen..that and I kept waking up to random jerk offs talking loudly as they passed my open windows...you know there's nothing I can do, either keep my windows close and fry to death in the oven roaster called an apartment, or kick some landlord ass and have them turn off the god damned boilers....whatever..

so mindy woke up around noonish and was awake awake..kicked me out of bed to take her home...well that set me off in a bad mood...I had to gather my stuff and things I was going to need (i.e. shaving things and so forth) and to be blunt, I hate having to think things out in the morning/when I wake up..I like things to be habitual and to flow into place..having to get up so quickly and try to comprehend what I was going to need for the day rubbed me the wrong way...

and not to mention this is the third day in a row I have had really bad dreams...

so whatever...

I eventually make it to work, not in any good mood whatsoever...and there are a couple extras..I am sooo going home...but I am in the bar..I've never worked the bar section on a weekend night..so I decided to stay..EHHHHHH, wrong answer....I made a total of 50 dollars, had to put up with people trying to sit at my dirty tables so they could get "first dibs" on my tables, the loudness of everything, shitty tippers, and I actually got stiffed on a tip...not to mention I cut myself, lost my penguin button..and so forth...

fuck this day..

Marshall and Six Glasses...
..Mr. and Mrs.

so today was the much anticipated return to the hand state..or was it?

so the wake up at seven lasted for...a half hour, ending with mindy and myself going back to sleep..I was really tired, and I have to get up on my own accord, otherwise it's doomed from the beginning..anyways..I woke back up at noon...it was a little while later I actually got out of bed and made the comment we needed to be on the road no later than 1....

soo 2 rolls 'round and we are headed off..an hour late..or six hours late, whatever....so I drive and drive...and then there is a discussion..and it leaves both parties upset...hell, I was so mad I almost turned the car around (that was when we were in between Muncie and Ft Wayne.) so yeah, not a very fun trip up...

and when I finally realized where we were in location to where we needed to be (due to lack of a map...) I had to put it in overdrive...we were pushing it..but we could have made it on time..there was one point where traffic did come to a stand still, we were in one lane because a coil fell off of a truck..had that not happened I think we could have arrived right on time...

anyways, as we are approaching exit 36 I come up with the great notion to piss into a milk chug bottle...I had to urinate for the longest time, thought of that idea earlier, but didn't go through with it because I thought I could hold it...so I urinate into this bottle and I fill it up completely...a pint...a pint of piss...and I had to stop short because it was nearing the top...

so we park, get out and make our way into Schuler's..we are directed over to our table, Table 1 for the record, and we have a seat..now we are the youngest ones in the restaurant, I'm carrying the bottle of piss in my pocket to throw out, and the best part...our name tags have the same last name..that's right, Jason Angus and Mindy Angus...

so we go with the notion we are married, believe me this sounds a lot better after six glasses of wine, and I brilliantly take a key ring off of my chain and put it on my finger....

something goes array in the middle of the dinner and it comes out that we are not married, but apparently engaged, with a wedding date set of October 21st of next year...the table, who were completely awesome, toast to our marriage and lives together, they offer us some Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon, it was crazy...

the food was completely delicious, and the wine was pretty good as well...funny thing about the wine - they poured actual full six, or more, ounce pours..not samples...so I thought we were just supposed to try a bit with each meal..but as I finished my first dish, still with plenty of wine left over I look around only to find that not only our table, but the entire room is finishing off their portions..so we follow suit.

so

I'm Retarded...
..is it the right thing though?

So do I put myself through pain and hate myself now..or do I do it later, but feel all those things plus good now?

Anyways, today was lame..I worked in the morning, had a section in bianco (large parties) and I really didn't make much money, not for the work I did and the time I put in..whatever....I will note that certain people need to be called out on things...and what happened at work reminded me of an event that happened a few months ago..cryptic....

alright, so it's just funny that MB comes into work all dolled up, actually taking time and effort into looking really attractive for work..something she hasn't done in awhile..something she did after she "broke up" with me..also with the gratuitous touching of everyone around her..but not me...whatever

SO I go home, watch some episodes of Friends, fall asleep..7-10..wake up, shower, and continue to watch Friends...Mindy calls me and invited me over for food...I was starving. I go over..we dine, finish season 4 with Ross's wedding..and then we start to go to bed...

we were talking about things, she was asking about my date, and I did something...something I don't know whether or not is the best..I hate myself for it but it's the right thing? we were talking about things, me giving the standard I am still in love with you, her with the I don't have feelings for anyone right now..and then there was a pause, she started to talk and I got up and left. I explained to her as to why I was leaving, nothing against her..but if she wants me to get over her I would have to not continue to do this...the "friendship" is over...she didn't know what to say, I told her there was nothing to say, just act like you don't care and let me be...

she walked me to the door and asked if I was going to be ok...if I would be ok in the car to drive, she didn't want me freaking out..she said I had that look in my eye...

I gave her a kiss on the cheek and left.

make it home, it's 3am and then I decide to sleep with Andrea.













"It's OK, I'll just hate myself in three minutes - Why? - Are you kidding?"

I'm Not Coming Home Tonight...
Out, on a date...

Wait..didn't something like this happen back in march???

So I was at work today...whatever...but the funniest ting happened to me today..I was asked out..kinda. I didn't want to put too much thought into it, aka overanalyze it, but I knew it was something more than just hanging out....

This girl who just transferred from one of the Indy Ghetto Gardens asked me out. she did it all slyly, asking me what I was doing tonight, I thought nothing of it, people ask that all the time...my response was not working and so I asked her..she said she was going to eat with her girlfriends, but wanted to go out tonight seeings how she didn't get to go out the night prior but her friends did, and her friends aren't going out tonight..wow..

so I said something along the lines of sounds like fun...and she invited me to hang out with her...so even though I was a 12, I was still cut at 2...so before I left I gave her my business card with my cell phone number on it..it's a nice conversation piece about one of the many failures in my life...

so I went home..watched Friends..and waited. she called to let me know what the deal was and told me she would call me back when she got home from dinner....you know, if you look at it, this could very be one of the best setups ever..her friends take her out to eat, and I pick up where they left off...they do all the hardwork, and I have all the sex? HA

While waiting for the phone to ring in the predicted time area Elizabeth's car was "stolen", rather towed..so there was a much to do about that..the towing company took her car because the sticker the leasing place gave her finally expired and she never renewed it. well that was fun because when she called the towing company, they never answered, so she call the police..as the police arrive to make a report the guy from the towing place calls..he didn't know whether or not he had the car, he just knew he had a "purdy green one". he wasn't at the actual site, but would give a call when he returned..probably was out towing more cars..so when he did call back he claimed to have the "Saturin"..I was about ready to strangle him through the phone...

my call finally came in and so I headed over to Andrea's..funny because I drove, and she lives literally right around the corner...I waited for her to finish up and get ready..then we decided to walk down to Kirkwood and go to Kilroy's. we were there for a little bit just talking when Jim calls me and asks if I want to go bowling..hell yes bowling...so we walk back to the car parked at her place and go bowling...

I had the best game of my life, four strikes in a row and throwing a game of 188...ehh. while paying this really drunk older man comes up to me and asks if I could give him a ride..he hands me $10 and I agree..we take him over by the hospital..go back to park the car at my place and then walk back to Kirkwood. we had a large AMF, which we downed..then we had a kamikaze and then we started to dance..well I reluctantly pulled her out to the floor and I danced...

I was definitely feeling the alcohol from the night and she decided we needed more..she decided we needed to do a shot of Jack with a Margarita on the rocks chaser...are you kidding me...and I tried the margarita - for whatever reason it was really strong...so she took her shot, I just held mine saying, "you have me right where you want me..anymore alcohol will make me useless and annoying.." she I was rambling about my shot, and she just grabbed it from my hand and took it, and then downed the margarita..."now you're gonna be useless..." I want to point out the irony/foreshadowing...the guy whom we gave the ride to, his money was eventually used by us to get drunk...nice.

we ran into a couple of OG'ers..the funniest was Katie - she was just happy to see me out with anyone but Mindy..so we talked briefly because she said the girl I was with wanted me badly...she could tell by the way she was looking at me..I responded with, "you know who that is right? that's Andrea..from work" Katie couldn't believe it, "are you kidding me, she's frickin' hot..take care of that shit!" and so after that confrontation I knew for certain this girl was into me...so we decided to talk back to her place..

I stayed the night there,which was weird because she prefaced it with, "the only guys to ever stay in my bed, only two of them, I had been dating for awhile" yeah, put me in the awkward position..and so that was it..woke up in the morning and walked home..













"HELLO...wait wait what..I..just..I don't think you noticed but..."

I've Fainted...
from rockin' out so hard!

this is the first concert I've been to where the band has rocked out completely and played good music...

so my day was pretty much nothing, as usual..it was my day off and I took it in stride. I didn't pick up any shifts, main;t because nobody gives away day shifts, as weird as that may sound...so I slept pretty much all day..ok, well til 2, long enough.

I made breakfast and wondered if Mindy was going to return home..so I waited around for a bit and then decided to peace out, but then I realized something as I was getting ready...she accidentally took my phone with her, it was in her purse..because of the random switching the night prior, we never made the exchange back I guess? Anyways, my phone she still had..and on top of that, luckily for me, she forgot to take her phone with her...so I grabbed that figuring she wouldn't be back with her jam-packed schedule for that day...

we get in touch later that day..she couldn't take the early test for her class so she had to take it at the scheduled time of 7, and she thought she wouldn't be able to make it to the concert in light of that....but I just pushed back the time of departure for the concert til..whenever she was finished with the test. the concert started at 9 and was located at the Vogue, which is in the northern part of Indy..so it'd take a little over an hour, flying mind you, to get there...but going with the fact that concerts never start at their scheduled time because, well they're rockstars, I should be ok.

I picked up Mindy from the Chem building and we got on the road around 8ish...I think I was making pretty good time, we got to the place at 9:20..I suppose good for never having been there before..and just as we expected the concert didn't start til 9:45...oh, and there was confusion about waiting in line for cigarettes, but having to have cigarettes..whatever, Mindy was getting pissed at this chick and we just went upstairs..whatever, it was stupid.

VHS or Beta played a decent set..I got down, but I hate indy crowds..they are so pop-culture/mainstream/whatever is cool and popular we will follow bastards. they didn't get into the groove of the music...nobody was dancing. now I do partly blame a bit on the band itself, they really didn't connect with the audience..but it was hilarious to have the lead singer call everyone out on it though saying, "so there's this old folklore that if the audience doesn't dance for the faint's opening band the faint come in the middle of the night and kill them in their sleep..so all you mother fuckers better not go to sleep tonight cuz you'll all die" and then when "Night on Fire" was played the crowd started to get more into it..whatever you trendy lame ass fuckers.....

so then after a short intermission, with dancers?, it was The Faint's turn to rock the house down..oh and they did. I was really amazed by their on-stage performance; they were all into from moment one and lasted to the very last song...they were just ridiculous on stage...the synth guy dropped the mic at least four times, with it falling into the audience as well..and the bassist..I don't think he played more than 6 notes..it was just awesome. I was very happy because I believe they played my top 5 favorite songs of theirs, so I was very pleased.

We left, actually we left before the last encore song was completely through..which I'm not a big fan of, but Mindy's feet were swollen, and she was being moody, and had just been through a long, stressfilled day, so we left, got to the car and drove back home..but not before stopping at the 24Hour Hardee's!!! god it's like the only frickin' thing open 24, and Hardees? they are like only open between the hours of 3 and 7 Monday through Saturday and closed on Sundays...I'm just saying they have always had the wierdest times in the past..

so we got home, as I dropped every single thing I was trying to carry from the car into the apartment and that was the end of the night. I'd see The Faint in concert again anytime....












You know it's not only love dear.That can flip the switch up.You know it probably should be.Maybe god fucked it up.

People Are Shady...
..and it's starting to bother me....

So I've come to the conclusion that everyone is a bad person..

don't thank me for that analysis, thank all the fuckers around me who constantly screw me over time and time again..mainly that being female...



and maybe there may be an exception....but you know, even my own mother left me to drown..

so if you are female, and you want to be a part of my life somehow, as friends or whatever...there's gonna be a new screening process because I may say I hate people, but woman take the fucking cake..













"So did you plan on me not noticing and you'd replace your ignorance or just go on like it never happened?"

It's Mov-In(G) Time?
wouldn't that be something....

well that time has arrived, when Bloomington triples in size and the streets are crowded with fucks....

Luckily I had the day off...this would mark the first complete day off I have had all month, actually since July 29th to be exact but whatever. last Friday came close to me having a day off, but that was foiled when they decided to change the schedule and make me look like a fool..regardless I showed up and now we mark this monumentous occasion by not doing a damn thing all day. and I'm not quite sure about if whether or not I worked on that Friday the 29th...I could have hosted, but I do remember that was two days after the Black and White Lasagna Wine Dinner - the infamous one...

I got back home at 2, drove through the crazy traffic of everyone returning to town..I slept and ate all day..did my laundry finally at 7, watched TV, and believe it or not, just got out of the shower not too long ago...call it a late start on this day.

Went over to Jeremy and Darrel's, it was a house warming/birthday party...so I naturally brought a bottle of champagne ( I'm starting to have regular gifts/drinks/shots to buy for people.....) Arrived there around midnight, it was an intimate gathering but I liked it. I made some "hairy" rum and cokes for Alaina and myself..and those got me going...

we played jenga and talked and drank...I had some of the champagne, which when opened shot into jeremy's eye (obviously somebody didn't open it correctly)..and then I called it a night at 2am...I called mindy because I thought I bought a bottle of wine that she was looking for (but as it turns out I was wrong (go figure) I had the white zin and she wanted the red zin?) well I left a message, she called back right away and then I headed over to her place...

I also made a drunk dial to Brooke, finally having the nerve to call and say what I wanted to earlier...I don't think that went over too well, but what can you do..I got over to Mindy's and even though she couldn't tell I was drunk on the phone, as soon as I walked in my ass stumbling over the trash gave her clue number one..

so we ate, watched Friends, and then went to sleep...things aren't the same, and I wonder if she made a sacrifice when we were dating, or if she's now acting differently to throw me off...












I'm just setting you in your place....