In My Hand I Hold the Trump Card......
Mwahahaha, maniacal laughter insert there and we are good...

Don't ask about that..anyways....so what's the dealie-o, what in the hell was that....well it's defiantly cold out, somewhere in the 40's got to love that.....but the greatest thing would be the fact that even after my car sat in the cold for a couple hours, when i got in, it was still warm, not like it was when i left, but obviously warmer than the outside....i guess zach and jimmy c can relate to that though, he he....

oh, forgot to mention how i locked my keys in the car the other night at target...yeah call me a dumbass, but while i was searching for some things i dropped then in the side compartment, my hands must have gotten full, then i left the car...i was suprised that i locked it in the whole process.....so there my keys sat, right next to the spare set as well, yeah spare set in the center console, i'm a smart one.....but actually i'm smarter than i look, thank god, i was able to get into my car without the slightest trouble, my secret only, sorry...

you know what the saddest thing to me is..well besides from some other things....it's the ending credits to SNL...i remember every saturday night watching the show...of course when i was like 8 and 9 it was a challenge for me to stas up that late, i remember faling asleep many a times and waking up hours later to find i missed it all after the first half hour....but yeah, whenever i see those endibng credits, hear that damn saxaphone and other musical instruments, i become overwhelmed with sadness.....i mean the show ended, you still want more, and it's a new day, yet still night, there's no more saturday(depending on your time zone), it just changed over like that..i don't know, maybe i'm goofy on this, but it's how i feel, whenever i watch, i usually change the channel so i don't have to watch the ending credits....i wonder how badass it would be to see it live though.....

so yeah, now it's sunday, did i ever get to see my movie, noooooo, but i guess i still have a couple more hours left in the day, anything can happen, right? well....that's stretching it, i mean there are many a thing that i tell you won't happen, so i guess "anything can happen" is limited within it's own bounds of realism...

livin', lovin', you're just a woman.........

ummmm, i think i had something to say, but who knows.....i think it was some sort of plea..probably going along the lines with the title........maybe it has something to do with the feelings, or lack thereof, of selfworth.....what are we here to do, why am i here, am i essential to this process, everybody wants to be a big leaguer/make a name for themselves, but if you are only a mere stepping stone, a stick in the path to help direct others, cabn't someone else do it while you're away...think about schmidt......"after i die, and everyone who knew me dies, it'll be like i never existed"...damn, if that's not motivation, i don't know what is. goodnight

Update....

i took a quick early stop at my grandparents hoseu to pick up this typewriter...adn when i refered to, "i think it will work" i meant the picture showing up..as for the typewriter itself...ohhh, she's a beaut...types wonderfully, and has been taken very well of, especially for being 80 years old....opening the box i was like a kid in the candy store, yeah i was excited...btu she's nice, really nice...i'm sorry you're missing out..but i guess that's what you get for messing with someone who remebers the smallest of details..yeah it's mine and i'll write the all american novel with it....

i think today will be spent trying to clean it a bit, getting out the Q-tips and such, yeah......as for later today.....a movie sounds damn good...but all the peeps from target work tonight, and kelly really wants to see "the school of rock", same one i want to see, but it's kelly, and yeah, that'd just be nucking futs....

well i think that is it..another day another dollar...i don't think i'll be back at the lynwood residence for awhile, got a quasi-guilt trip pulled on me, damn people, don't they know who they are messing with.....anyways, life's bt a joke, laugh it up..i know i am...hahahahahah

Oh Hell...

alright, would you beleive i quasi had something to put in here....let's see....

paid some bills today...drove around, rather, took the more feminine route and was driven around, but what the hell, i didn't panic or freak out....maybe i should have given the circumstances......

went to two guitar stores, they both sucked...they had nothing to offer, not even a gibson in sight

i just remembered what my package was that arrived at my grandparents house...thinking it was some sort of bomb i've left it sit there...but then i remembered the item purchased wasn't for me, but i'm gonna take it anyways

i think that will work...if not, it's pretty, and antique, circa 1920's..it'll look nice in someone's home, along with the painting, and nesting tables, and everything else i own...i need to get a place...and then i can write my life's novel on it, yay!

so nothing else is new...i kinda prematurly whipped out the abercrombie overcoat today, it was cold, and so i grabbed this to get it out of storage...i could have gotten by with the brown leather jacket...

well tomorrow is friday, another night off from target, what to do what to do.any suggestions? well it's off to work for now...i know, this is a wrap up of today's events, how sad....

ps i know i fucking rock!

What's in a Wednesday....
(limeade and vodka)

god that title just came to me and I'm loving it.....

ok, so Wednesday is a Wednesday, good ol hump day right....welll I think I did absolutely nothing all day...except for wait at BK for over 20 minutes for the damn thing, no biggie, I was in no rush....

so the drink to mix today was minute maid limeade and vodka, I had several people just randomly pick those two things and mix them together today..and then I guess the title helped me think of a name for it..maybe green wednesday or something.....and the best mixer of everyone came to a surprise to me, she's a little alcoholic if I do say so myself, and she didn't like the bacardi silver, even though she said she's had it before...I finally tried it today and it was different...but I could feel the alcohol in the back of my mouth knocking on the walls back there for attention while the citrus flavor had a pity party on my tongue...I'll stick with my skyy blue's.....

I got a pair of crazy sunglasses to go with my brown jacket..yeah, it's totally badass, elvis style.....and we had an hour to kill so we drove around Lowell listening to the radio...cranking it up whenever a teen girl guy singer came on, like john mayer and mraz and anyone else...it's funny how I can roll down all my windows and pop open that sunroof without thinking for a second while the temperatures are around 50 degrees outside...but rocking out and bouncing is fun....

let's see...how poker game evolved from the standard 2 card no limit texas hold 'em into strip poker tonight, yee ha....i'm certian the reason for development was based on the fact girls were present....let's just say I rock...in al the games we played, even when it went to everyone but the winner has to shed their clothes, I lost on 3 items, 2 shoes and a sock...and you know how I feel about my feet being cold, damnation...and of course you have the ever-present person who conveniently quits just after they lost a crucial hand making them shed more skin than they would like...frickin' people...I'm in to win...but could care less when no money is on the table but instead shirts and socks.....

despite what may sound like a fun lived life, I know this won't last long....I mean I've been a townie long enough, something's gotta change, right? when I think about what I just said, I am taken aback to when zach came up from Lafayette on spring break his freshman year.....we took him to a drug house, to RtC every night, and did some nice vandalizing at the salai's...he said is this what you guys do all the time, and we all agreed and said yeah....it's funny how our life could be coveted by some.....but when you try to fulfill wants, you're left forgetting about what you need, I'm content with a lot of things, I find joy in the small things, fuck other things, they don't concern me, I can't control it, no biggie, move on..so that's what I'm doing, there's more to things than just this, I've loved - and lost, there's nothing in that for me again, so looking for something else...now of course I was going to make a post about this, so I'm gonna have to link it in this paragraph to my xanga, damnnit....(this isn't the one that goes with that last remark, but rather a build up to it....)

that's about all from the Lowell front...I've gotten wind that many houses were TP'ed on homecoming, I mean it is homecoming after all, but when we used to TP on homecoming, it was during the dance, nothing finer than having some bastards come home to that......

So Here's a Story....

so last night i had to work at target, i make my usual rounds, stopping at Strack N Can Til to buy my drink and a snack for break 1...well tonight, for some reason i was in the mood for chocolate milk, normally it's a fruit drink or something, no pop, and nestle's chocolate milk was on sale so i said what the hell...i get to my car i pop the top and drink a bit....dink on my way to work....where i meet up with Jen...yadda yadda yadda...so we're making out and she comments how bad the taste is of my mouth, so she hands me a stick of gum, fruit strips i beleive...so we continue, then all of a sudden she starts getting sick...and sicker..finally she quickly runs away from me and starts throwing up...now i'm thinknig what the hell, i'm i really that disgusting of a kisser....i always thought myself to be pretty good, maybe too much tonguel action for her or something..who knows...so i grab my milk and wait for her to come back after she is better......she makes her way back holding her stomache, still looking sick..and then she notices the milk i am holding...she says, "wait, were you drinking that before yuo got here..and before w started making out.." and isaid "yes"...then this is great, she goes, kinda yelling, " i'm lactose intolerant you idiot!"

how great of a story is that?!?! i soo want to make that into a movie!!! ZACH!!!!

Craziness...
and no, i wasn't on anything at the time....

wow, last night was crazy...for some reason i was really hyper....i was that normal crazy jason angus..have been that wild in a long time, felt good too, and many peopl got kicks out of it.....chris the night manager, arly saying he wanted to d oa drug test on me, came by agian and i asked how he was, h asid good now, probably refering to our singing in the aisles, and i said yeah, attitude is contagious..he responded with, i hope i don't cath that....

of course i did catch some Zzzzz's on first and second break...after telling a couple stories.....everyone seems to erally love it when i'm in a good mood...and they are very sympathetic on most subjects coughwhatcough...yah, but i was singing, wearing some cocked army looking hat, singing rap songs, i was called the jew from malibu..aka jamie kennedy or something like that, yeah it was all too fun last night..who knows how long this high will last....

oh, so i think the heat has been turned on here at C21, the other night i was messing with it, yet it was still cold, i think we all remember that post....i just had a fleeting idea, or is it an idea of fleeting, fleetwood mac, whatever, TBA....

want to thank everyone for their support with me on this certian subject...it's funny howe i want to make a comment, i'll make you research this one, but Reinhard Heydrich treated his guests a little bit more nice...and he liked the violin as well..i know that's a very low comment, but damn this history channel...why must i watch hours at end of it....but i love it so, just like the forensic files and all those shows...

Zeptember!!!!
And the Feel that I get, When I Look to the West....

so yes, Zeptember is coming to a close....i didn't really notice any significant changes in the amount of air play for zeppelin, but oh well, it was a holiday that lasts a year for me.....

oh..to go with a post from a couple back, about life being fucked up..guess who i saw today....whitney castle....yeah i had to say hello as i passed by her, normaly we don't say anything, and kinda hide after seeing each other, but this time i walked by and said hi, she acknowledged, it was nice...which makes me think, what happened in that situation to make everything go wrong...i coulda swore everyone trying to hook us up at the end of junior/beginning of senior year...don't remember all those calls zach? ahh but who knows, life's little mysteries i am everso lucky to be involved with.....

so i have this hair tie thingy on my left index finger, in lieu of the ring that once was there....it's nice, i do take it off at times, trying to get uesd to that...but the thing i love most about it, it smells like a woman.....every now and then i'll give it a quick sniff, like a cocaine snort, and get my high from it...gets me a little excited as well....ife's little pleasures i guess....

zeppelin endorses cadaliac....i would like one.....a nice 4 door of course, maybe in the very distant future.....

"it's like history erased itself" or like "being erased from history"..hahaha...anyways, yes indeed, history has been erased, or at least edited in a fashionable manner...almost makes you think she still has an tear drop's worth of love for me...ahhhh, so heartwarming, or maybe she didn't like the onslaught of abuse from my loyal readers, in any event i'm moved....

speaking of moving.....who moved my cheese....is a book...things i don't normally read...but i was told to buy that book....dealing with change...i needed 15 cents for the tol road today, wasn't there an alternative route.....well i've got more to say, but sadly enough i have to go to target...til next time!!!!

Cold as Hell..Wait..Damn
Cold, Colder, Coldest....

well this is completly random.... i'm really cold, which is prohibitibng me from sleeping..i know i said in a previous post i was tired, which i was at the time, but the temperature is a dropping and i can't get to sleep....i don't think the heat has been turned on here yet....and it's really damn cold to sleep in the car, though i have done it before while it was snowing...i guess i'm going to have to get some blankets out of storage....

let's see...i noticed i just got blammed for TP'ing Brooke over the weekend, fat chance to that i say...of course i tried to make a comment on her Xanga in response to her post, but she has my named blocked so i'm not able to, well since i know she reads this (at times) i'll give the jist of it: she said it was a crappy job, and we all know how we (ie old school pity party) did tp's...at least one package of 24 rolls per person, with at least 3-4 people doing a job...i would never embark on a TP'ing alone, there wouldn't be any fun in that..plus there would have to be AOL discs, bean bag filler, clay pigeons, salting of the earth, moving of cars, and anything else we could get our hands on..and i doubt all that was there, if i wanted to get her, i'm sure it would be one hell of a job, but i'm not that vigilant towards her, but for some reason she thinks so, don't want to ruffle the feathers of someone who has some of your things and owes you others, i mean put yourself in my shoes, i just try to talk to the girl, she's the won't who's anti it all...i don't know if that's all, but there that was at least....

looking at people's profiles/away messages...kendall must be feeling kinda down: Why won't you speak to me, what happened? horrible night, please make the morning better...(break)I can't speak, I'm lost for words, I can't hear, the silence burns a whole inside of me, that I can't fill for the life of me. I can't see, I'm blinded by the things you say to me are lies. I can't feel, feel you near, and that's because you were never here. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I put my trust in you, but life can change. You lied to me, you let me down, you turned this smile into a frown and now you're the only reason why, I find it hard to sleep at night. I'm feeling sad, feeling blue, I think of the past times spent with you and now there's nothing left to say, so I just turn my head away.hmmmm i wonder if i could ever relate to that feeling?????

ok....so there's a random slogan generator website i found, basically you type in your name and it pulls out the products name and replaces it with yours, funny for the first three clicks...."It Needn't Be Hell With Jason." "Builds Bonny Jason.""Get More From Jason.""It's the Bright One, it's the Right One, that's Jason""Sweet as the Moment When the Jason Went "Pop""
i think a lot of it sounds all too sexual for my liking....

going with sexual, funny conversation......
Girl: Wait, you use your left hand to...[not said, but understood, fingering]
Me: Well...yeah...naturally....i do play the guitar...
god, is that only funny to me???

and off that note, duncan asked me how to pronounce a certain word, i guess they were having trivia wars at his house or something, which led to the discovery of this site, i like how it talks about eatern vs western beliefs, particularly buddhism

and that's all i got for now, going to lay down, honestly...oh, and have you been noticing double titles, one bolded the other italicised, yeah, double thoughts, hidden thoughts, whatever

Complicated...
and is no way directed to who you think it is....just in general...

i don't know how to start this off, i could start with different things, but i'll just go with whatever comes off my fingers...every wonder how things turn out like they do, or rather why things turn out like they do? like how you start talking with someone, getting to know them, maybe you astart liking this person...then just a bit down the road they exclude you from the picture, maybe not fully, but they gto someone else..then come down the raod even later and those two have been together for a couple months and they are madly in love with each other....like in high fidelity where john's first girlfriend starts making out with another guy, only years to come they end up marrying, and nobody remembers john's character as being the first boyfriend...

it's wired because you always hear people say, "well if you would have told me back then i'd be here now, or something to that extent, i'd never beleived ya" and that's absolutly true, you can't predict the future of what may come, you can only expect things to happen based on generalities and habitual outcomes...

life is so messed up, and everything around you just makes things worse and more complex...i suppose you could disect thigns one at a time...but i doubt you'll ever get an answer...

i'm sorry, i'm getting distracterd and very tierd...so i know this post will not make any sense....

but even in the world's disorder, there are patterns...maybe it's just my life, maybe other's have this too, but do you ever notice patterns that happen in your life, or how one situation reminsd you of another..how your life is just like a cirlce, in that you are moving on this circle which itself is moving on a plane, so that there are intersecting points, but they aren't the same way traveled, it's a different path, so as to not make it the same thing, new people or places, but same concept, and off of these new points there can be intersecting points from the traveled circle life..and these points seem like something before, which is all based off that one original happening..it'd look like if you were to draw a cirlce, but very slowly moved the paper to the side as you did it.....

but how/why do they turn out like they do....you are expecting them to maybe go a certian way, then all of a sudden it's not....i mean all the right ingrediants were there to have caused somethign, in which it did, but it goes askew somewhere in the process...

wow, things are interesting...

New Chapter...
...or should i say, revised chapter

alright...well let's start off with yesterday.....i can't really remember what happened in the morn', but i do remember being very bored...oh yeah, i got rudly awakened here at the office, then i bummed around....after finally starting to go stir crazy i made calls...as i stated in that post...then later i made one more call to vince, he was in town!!!! so i came over and we played monopoly...and played and played...good god how it was the highlight of my day...i've been wanting to play monopoly for awhile now....but yeah the game lasted to the wee hours of the night, with elizabeth being victorious, even after the bankrupt merger of A&W...

after the game had ended, so cliche to land on boardwalk with a hotel on it as the game ender....we sat around and read, then we took note how we had to be the lamest group of 20 year olds around, sat night, sitting around reading...i looked at my watch and commented how we should have been wasted by now, with others adding in dancingv naked on the table and such..good times.....and then that's all she wrote, how tired asses crashed in our respective places..i think it was the thrill of monopoly thart wore me out....

so then that brings me to today...sleeping my life away agian, grrrr but lindsey met up with me, for what who knows, i just kinda sat around here in the blue room, showed he the journals i read, then she played with my phone and i showed her my pics online.......she would ask who is that, or i would ask her do you know who that is....seeing who she knew started to mess with me....she knows billy, and about the breakup, and i guess they hang out and talk about cars within their group..she knew duncan...even went to his open house..which i did not attend, and i don't remember why, i know there was a reason...work? then she recognized the name baiel...then she knew barcus, this sent an instant signal to me, i kept qustioning how she knew him....and after all the talks it cam out she knew me before this time...whereas i thought i just met her at alco....i sat in shock, i didn't know what to say...this damn person knew me before i thought we met...it's not stalkerish, just a fault on my part for not remembering meeting her before.....but then everything started to fit into place, which scared me even more...like the comment, "oh yeah, you're the one who likes the squirrels" which sh made after seeing a card i bought...remembering to a time when we met and seinfeld was on or something......and then the comment, "oh, and i bet you take salt shakers as well" remembering a conversation either from me, or someone else about my collection of salt shakers......admn, it's a small world after all...and i got to remember people a little bit better, even if we did meet for 10 minutes..

so yeah, life just got a little more fucked up....that's all from this blue box, i'm hungry

Anybody Seeeeeeen Myyyyyyy Paaaaaaaants.....

Well, due to a DC error, we didn't get a truck last night...and it was a sight to see over 20 people in the backroom doing pulls...in all we got out early probably 2 or so, who knows...

good conversations arose during this short time..too tired to type it all now though....but there was a confrontation betwen angie and myself....we were bth doing the snack pull, and thus we were down the same ailse, and that's when we got a talking....two totally different stories..and i'm the bad guy in hers of course..something along the lines of not talking to her the next time we worked together..though by that time i had already heard from others shit she was saying, so it was all really 12 fold....

the test came yesterday to prove to what extent i would still do for her, and take the results as they are...it's funny though because that question ran through the minds of the people who i told the story to, but they kinda knew i would lean the way i did, just like a ring....

can't express my lazy-day-ness without my hoody.....it's 4 am i'm beyond bored...can't i be doing smething???

***makes phone calls***

yeah, that accomplished nothing.......wel i don't know what i'm gonig to do in the mean time...normally i don't have enough time..now i got way too much...damnation...

What you want out of it....

ohhh hell...so i know what i have to do, what i should do, well, it's the best option, but i'm not at that point where i have the motive to do it...call it bad timing but what can ya do...

lets see....moses talked to a burning bush, jesus talked to a fig tree, and zach talked with his special plant..people everywhere talk to their plants to help them grow....

it's friday and i work agian...but tomorrow i have off, and sunday...doesn't mean a damn thing to me..or anyone i know.....

well except that fact that i can't display my lazy day-ness with my favorite lazy day wearing hoody, you know which one i'm talking about, the soft grey aero one, yeah...bastards...i think someone may have it......

speaking of having things that are mine....how do you go about asking for something back that is yours....i mean, yeah, it's yours, they tried to pull an unsolved mystories and vanish off the face of your world, you in the mean time are bored and need those things back to entertain you, what do you do...and what kind of irrational response is over my dead body? i was being nice, i even asked for some back.....ohh what to doo....

Barcus and his posse honked and waved to me today, that was nice....

it's raining...i like the rain....

wow.....that's all i can even say after that phone call..then my return call....yeah, that just proves why a phone call won't work...it's funny because i knew she was in a panic and was freaking out..and you know i would have dropped everything at that moment to do anything possible for her... my heart still yerns for her, i want to see her be safe, i care too much...i asked for her to call me when her ride arrived to ease my mind that she was ok, she refused, and as i was on the phone with her, her party did arrive, and she said, oh their her and hung up...once agian without even saying goodbye....wow

i'm going to sit in the rain now.....

Feelings......worst song of the 70's

well here's the update zach has been asking for....i hope it's not harsh....

so yeah, i went to the movies, is that supposed to mean something, well it didn't mean anything to you back then, so why wouldn't it mean something with me now, whoa, sorry...yeah, it was completly random what happened that night....here's what i know about her, nothing, literally, and i'm content with that....she spends a lot of time on her cell phone, 2-waying for the love of god, damn nextels, and she has a lot of guy freinds...now i don't know about you, but a girl that has a lot of guy friends usually have somethign wrong with them, in some senes, eaither really fucked up in the mind or really fucked up in the...well you get my point...i guess it's all in how you raise your oils and waters, but yeah....

she knew a lot about cars..maybe too much for my liking...i thought it was funny how her dream car would be a toyota supra....i remember when i had a liking for that car as well, twin turbo, sleek design, stopped making them in 97 or so, targa top of course, and pretty chrome wheels....yeah that was awhile ago, don't know if i would own one now though......but back to cars here, she drives a stick, i'm sure that messes with me a bit, after getting past all those sexual references as well...and she drives fast, only seen her drive once, but i took note of how reckless it was....that's not a good thing.....

and so i got a call from this girl last night....i wasn't expecting a call, and when i knew it was her i was like what the hell....i seriously thought about asking her why she called me, but i figured that to be too rude..i mean honestly, why would someone call me, unless they wanted a favor, but be damned if they just wanted to talk....

oh on an even weirder note....she asked me where i was when i called, i told her it was the office...and from there it went into the story of me being homeless...she didn't believe me at first saying, "everybody has a home"....and then i thought home is where the heart is, and i don't even have a house....so i was talking about how great my blue room was, beleiving in my own propaganda...then she says....that she would like to hang out or visit me in the blue room sometime...damn i hate people..what does she want from me, why the call, the hanging out, grrrrr, why can't people just be upfront and tell it like it is...oh wait, i'm still dealing with a situation like that....

on a livelier note...last night i worked at target...don't i always...and randomly irene started scratching my back.....god how the sensation of touch just overwhelms me with delight.....she soon stopped after seeing the look on my face, btu said she'd do that every 15 minutes or so to keep me quite or calm or tame or whatever...but yeah, it's kind of a double edged sword...i hate to be touched by people, well most people...but i also love to be touched..somethign as simple as back-scratch, or slight rub on the back..yeah......i miss being touched....

that's all....

Slow Train Coming.....

so as i sit here in my blue room, sounds of the outside catch my attention rather easily...as we all know there are train tracks about 100 feet from the building, and the train traffic is heavier at night as well.....well everytime a train comes by, i stop what am doing, turn around and lean towards the window and just watch..and more and more i'm actually thinkni about hopping on it and seeing where it takes me, no gas money yeah......but then the hard part would be trying to get back...that's to say i would want to...it's just a thought, if you don't hear from me for an extended length of time, that's where i'll be.....

**UPDATE**

this just in, Billy Chipowitz, aka Adam Willis is no longer engaged...and has a new girlfriend...and something to do with spending so much time with her, rent monies have been paid by billy....more details as they evolve...

so what the hell, just as everybody decides they got their one, they end it just as quickly...wasn't billy supposed to marry that bitch?? weren't we all supposed t go to that wedding..oh lordy.......yeah so i now feel in the twilight zone or something, everything is being flipped around...this is all too much, why's everything got to be messed up....

You Want the Truth...You Can't Handle the Truth..I Denounce Your Truth Handling Abilities You Non-Truth Handler...but here it is anyways, be prepared....
Also, one of the saddest lived stories I can recall....

So here's a little something for you, though a blog about it is extreme in some words, other won't think so....so if you are anonymous, i suggest you take a seat if you wish to continue to read.....

And away we go...

So as we all know i like to do things for people, if they call upon me i feel as if they had some reason for donig so, i'm reliable to them, they know i can help them out, and that's what i like, having the ability to be there for people, helping them out, whatever they, little things to big things, seeing them walking and giving them a ride if just down the street to lendfing them $500, if i can do it, i usually will...now of course there has to be a build up to get to that big favor as mentioned before, but if you call upon m for a small thign, everything works out fine and you'r nice about it, i'm more likely to do agian for you.....

enter lady k....well, i don't like to hide the truth, so lady k, as cool as a name that is, will be revealed as kodee, brooke's sister...now i've done little things for her before, given rides places, taking her to the bank, little things like that, and it's all cleared by her mom so it's not like a little rondezvous...i do it to help out both of them, because of time contraints and the sort.....

so i was called upon yesterday to be informed kodee got her student id and whenever was a good time for me, i could take her to the bank to cash a check and get paid...well i was doing nothing at the time so i decided might as well get it over with now and then...

the events aren't all that relevant, trip to the bank, then to eat BK because it was whopper wednesday, hell she even bought, then to merrillville and the mall to kill time until she needed to be dropped off at her church in lowell at 7, no biggie...but during that whole time i'd have to say it was one of the worst excruciating experiences possible...

so here's where it gets sad, and it's at the very beginning of ther story as well......i make my was over to the house and knock on the front door as normal. i hear th door unlatch and is opened slightly, as a gesture to enter, and i did....but half way through the door i stop dead, frozen still holding the handle, not moving a muscle. a mix of emotions ran through my body, i stood speachless, i thought for a second..but knew it wasn't, finally she sees me out the corner of her eye and asks, "what?" a tremble comes from my lips as i say to kodee, " you look exactly like brooke" . she replies after a puase with, "yeah, i got that lot today" well looking straight on you knew it was kodee, but if she turned her head, or her face was partly covered by something, there's no doubt she could have been mistaken for brooke.

the rest of the day was completly torturous as well...put yourself in my shoes, the girl/guy you love won't talk to you, they left you, to your knowledge, for nothing at all, you haven't seen, spoken, or anything with them in a long time, you're completly devastated, the past still lingers on, you try to do what you can, but what is there to do...then enter a look a like, better yet it's a sister/brother..and becuase of that realtion not only do they look like the other at times, but act as well....

yeah, that was my world yesterday, like some sort of hell on earth, just as evil as my dream the other day, life is having it's fun with my world around me....every time i looked at her, i saw brooke, several times i had to wander off to another side of the store because it was messing with me too much. it re-opened the wounds in my heart, i was drowning in the flood...sheeven asked me a couple times if i was angery or mad with her, something seemed out of the norm to her, but i wasn't mad at all...but that was a questionb brooke would ask when we were at the mall as well....i don't know what attitude i give off, but i most certianly wasn't mad...oh the tie that binds...

so then the end was nearing, thoughts ran through my head...as we all know, or am sure heard, i'm just asking for closure on all of this..i mean yeah i would like to know what happened, why, all the details, but i know i won't ever get them, so i just want it to end, on a note rather than nothing, i want there to be a goodbye...something for closure...and because of all this, and everything that was going on yesterday, i devised a scheme to trick myself into giving m that closure..i know it seems far fetched, but i'm gasping for air....i figured that if i were to close my eyes and give her a hug, and then say goodbye, everything wold be fine...give the other person the goodbye, but your mind will think it's who it's supposed to be.. i know it sounds crazy, but there's where i left it, in my head..i never went forth with the idea, probably didn't want to bust out crying in front of kodee like that, crazy idea, i'll just keep waiting for the real thing to happen, and i'll wait....

Dreams and Reflections...

I've been having some messed up dreams lately...well not really messed up, just things I wouldn't expect from a dream, something that I didn't want to think about, something..who knows....

it's funny, but yesterday I had the greatest dream ever, and yet at the same time is was a terrible joke of a nightmare....I think it's possible, I would have doubted too, but I lived through it....I mean nothing bad happened in the dream, but it was a dream, and I actually realized it in the dream, and I could feel all emotion sink out of me..... let me explain the dream for ya...though I probably shouldn't.....

all I can basically remember is very little detail, but it lasted long enough for me to remember something....the characters, brooke and myself (yeah I know)......we were talking and laying in a bed, like maybe we just woke up or something, the room was bright...and she was smiling and laughing, and I felt soo happy, I don't know how dreams do that, but it felt so real...and as the dream went on, it seemed like nothing of this fallout happened..then I started thinking maybe it was just a flashback from the summer, before something went wrong..it was by then I knew it was just a dream....nothing more, and probably just a haunting reflection of the past. At that point I felt the sadness drop on top of me, I was hit by the train of reality...

I think I woke up right after that...feeling totally disappointed...I don't know what the dream means, remember the good times? or is it just my subconscious playing a sick joke on me..well whatever it could be, it still was the best and worst dream I've ever had.....

Damn I Hate People.....

yeah, $20 bucks is equivilant to backstabbing, unfaithfulness, and turning a back on a friend...i guess you can't blame the people, hate the system...damn capitalism......

Stairway to Heaven...In Your Own Backyard

So i left off with alco...umm let's see.....well there's a cashier there that they call the girl who doesn't smile, but i'm damned if i can't make her smile...i guess that's just one of the characteristics i have, i can make many a people smile...which is great because i love to make people smile or laugh or just feel good......

oh, i had an "experience" at walgreens, but this is a two fold story....i'm telling this story to the girl who doesn't smile, begin..i'm at walgreens, just get out of the building and make my way to the alero, as i fumble to get into the car i notice a somewhat attractive female walking to her car just over from mine..she's takes notice of me, and i'm taking me time switching CD's or radio stations to get something good on before i go...i look over at the girl and she's looking in my direction..whatever, back to my music..now she pulls out and makes her way behind my car, slowing down right behind me, i look in the rear veiw mirror to see what is going on and she's still looking at me....i get nervous because that's the direction i have to go and i don't want her to think i'm following her..so i wait a sec then pull out...she turns to go behind the building as i turn to get on to rt 2...you see, she went out of her way to drive past me, crazy...

so i tell that story and no smile girl (lindsey) is sacrastically sympathizing with me saying "ohh she could have been the one" and shit like that....now the thoughts are going through my head, the one, meant to be.....i beleived in it once, lived through the holocaust, now no longer wish to beleive/remember, and can't inform the public of it either....but anyways...she's saying all this stuff and i remark quite simply, nah. and she's like right, she's not the one, you know how i know, because i'm the one....oh lordy....

later on i was trying to see if anyone wanted to go to the movies..i know it was a tuesday, but yeah, no waiting for the weekend, they're just days too...anyways, lindsay got wind and told me she'd go with me..i thought it was a school night, but who knows anything anymore...she even got off work early to go with because i had floor at C21 til 8, with a movie starting at 910.....

so this random person i don't know is riding with me to see a movie, wierd enough...and of course she really doesn't know who dylan, zeppelin, or the stones are...and i'm not in my car, damnation, so i couldn't have my fun torturing them with it..

at the theater i saw they had a DDR machine (running theme?) and heard the beethoven dance song, so i asked if she's ever played it and told her i would demonstrate...well i couldn't find the song, ran out of time so it randomly picked one for me....and i sucked..really badly....i did notice that the footpads were very worn and needed a lot of pressure to cause a hit on them....but in all, i remember why i hated it when i first played in michigan....i guess it's every other time with me, who knows..i'll stick to the ps2....mad an ass out of myself indeed....

so we saw dickie roberts former child star with david spade, got to love that man...and i enjoyed it, it was "nucking futs", his childhood catchphrase....and then there was the story about finding heaven in your own backyard, it was nice...oh, the past still lingers on..... one part during the movie, lindsey went to scratch her head, seeing this out of the corner on my eye, i turned and started to say something...but realized it wasn't her.....

on the way home, here's the great part....changing the radio stations, i heard the ending of the immigrant song..i tell her that was zeppelin, though nothing too great..then, two for tuesday, stairway comes on and all hell is let loose...i quickly explain to her the song, then crank it up and starting singing, of course sining the live version in parts because i like it (does anybody remember laughter?) i don't know if she enjoyed it, i don't care, it was stairway...the only thing she liked was when i said "yay" in my high pitched noise followed by some claps...

oh, and i had a missed call while i was in the theater from her, but seeing the M for mobile, i knew it wasn't her, getting overjoyed for nothing, these quick jumps with my heart are messing with me...i'm gonig to hav to edit my phonebook..

now the night ending, and this evening ended on a lot better not than the other movie outing, she realized it was a friendly affair. gave a quick hug and seperated....though she went to my left on the hug, totally throwing me off, but it was just a quick pat so all was well...

i've got more, nothing good i'm sure, but just some stuff worth ranting about but it'll wait....til then....

Running Around....
Still Stong, but Becoming Weak...

So i took my car in to get it fixed today, yeah that's worth a story itself, but it's more of the events that have lead me up to here, pretty mazing shit....

so i headed up to sherrerville at a late start, around 10...and on the way there i totally forgot about the Tuesday morning office meeting..oh well...... so naturally i have to wait about an hour for them to diagnose it, then i got my rent-alero, he he...

first stop was target....upon entering the store i soon forgot why i ventured in...picked up an alarm clock that has blue LED's and another Johnny Cash CD....at the checkout the cashier's name was Melinda, i was quite happy...she was more talkative than any ordinary cashier, asking me what target i was from and such..so with that ice broke i commented on her name, yeah, we all remember the blue phone.....

so then i head on over to office depot, or is it max, i think it is depot, the one across the street next to meijer..anyways, all i neeed from there was a reem of paper...but as i pull in a white van is following me and screetches along next to me. i get out and one gets out all talking quickly, opening the doors of their van...they told me they were from chicago, tried to verify it with swift moves of paper and flashing the shirt logo, big deal..they said they had a delivery to make in gary, they wouldn't make it and wanted to sell me the stuff at a discounted price....home stereo equipment, they presented magazines the showed the prices of everythig they wanted to sell me...one was silent, he was the driver, the other was the quick talker, he even tried to walk me over to the bank to get money for it...the price on it was 3600...first he wanted a grand, i told him i had and would only give 60...he them brought me to the side and said he'd take 10%..i finally got out of it and and made my way into the store...yeah i did call the cops, call me a nark, the only reason why i did is because their plates were from conneticut...yeah....

so i visited with my grandma, i hated it at first, but then she asked a funny question, "how's Brooke" with those words i stopped dead in mid-drink of my pop, she quickly got the hint and from there started a rather different conversation with my grandma, she was trying to give me advice about it all, but her thoughts weren't all there, blame age, so nothing really was accomplished.."all's far in love and war" was a popint i brought up...well not war, damn geneva convention...on a side note, she wants me to do real estate in illinois..she really hates nancy., she knows some people and is going to call them up for me when she gets back from mertle beach.....

went quick grocery shopping....5 for 10 pizza's and .99 twelve pack coke with $10 purchase, hell yes....

made another trip back to target...my car should have been done by now, so i was killing time in the area....no it's not a new hangout, yet everyone i know from there was sadly enough working, i chatted with jen and her boyfriend in the break room until i decided it was time to go...4

ran around lowell for a good bit of time......now i remember why i don't drive a 2-door...a sports car would be all too fitting for someone like me...i've been doing burnouts, figure 8's, break torques, fishtailing, you name it, with this alero...they gave me a 6 cylinder this time, he he..yeah it has a spoiler and everything, reminds me of jenny, but she was more beast/man like, with her raised front end and such....but yeah, the car is great..as much as i hate it, i like it as well, hmmmm..

to be continued...