Nobody Feels Any Pain....

That has nothing to do with anything, just a song that was playing a moment ago..So there seems to be this misconception of me, of who I am...and it extends to everyone who knows me...

I'm sure to different people you are perceived differently, maybe you're quicker on your wit one day, or maybe you are just having a bad day, week, whatever...people won't have the same idea of who you are....

so to clear the record here's a little something...I am not infallible. Yeah I know it may seem like I put up some front where I am all high and mighty, nothing gets to me, I am godly..It's not true....

but even in that last statement there are falsities to who I am..Things bother me, things get to me, and it obvious just what they are...Now granted I don't think many of you have seen me cry, and if you have then wow..Most of the time people know I am crying about things either through away messages or blogs, things of that sort..So I guess it is implied.....

what person am I to you? If I knew the answer to those questions, maybe we could see some similarities and work with that....

I know one thing that would be a running theme, and I at times am proud of it...but if said by the wrong person, then I feel like shit...that one thing would be that I'm "crazy/different/weird/etc"...Yeah, it used to be good to know I was a little off the wall, off from the norms throwing in a little mix...But to what extent are people casually throwing that phrase out, to what extent do they mean it?

like the other day for example, I was at Barnes & Noble talking to Debbie P. From highschool, she apparently works there..Anyways, I made a comment, something about owning a four player chess board and her response was, "you're weird..that's something like you would do..I always knew you were weird.." (not a direct quote, but something along those lines...) of course I replied with something like, "yeah I know, I just play the game and see how long it takes everyone else to find out.." But it struck me then, I had just started conversation with this person, and they had already labeled me crazy, on whatever level....

I don't know, I used to like it and all, thinking I could/might actually be crazy in the artisitc sort of way, like a writer/painter/whatever...but I know that not to be the case..I was just hoping, making it so in my mind, all these times.....

one way I try to be clever is in my ambiguity, there's a lot left to be desired once I get through typing, whether it be a blog or away message (hell you can disregard the last 5 posts I made recently because they were only for me...Sometimes I do that, just to get things off my chest, to make me feel better, nobody will ever understand them....) but I feel or think I can be clever by making the readers mind do all the work...Sure it may seem like I'm pushing you one way, but that's too obvious, and totally not what I was going for...

I guess it's that wonder that builds my character, people think I'm doing something I'm not, pining over something I'm not, all because they lead themselves to believe it..I leave so many holes in what I write that you can't help but think to make it true..true wasn't the right word, I'm not lying to the world, I just had a different meaning for the words I wrote..It's like I made a trail and I'm seeing if you are going to follow it or not..Maybe it's some horrible psychological game I play..

anyways, I'm sorry for it all, from now forth I'll try to be more clear about things..If I ever make a blog post where I'm totally off the wall and I know it's not for anyone but me, I'll forewarn you to skip over

as always I am my own undoing, I believe that statement full heartedly, I ruin what I try to achieve, I push away the one thing I care most about, I kill myself..I see it all the time, and it's not intentional, it just happens, like there's no way around it....

but yeah, I'm sorry I seem so depressed at times...everyone is entitled to to whatever, right? I don't know...(I'm not emo, ha)but maybe I'm more apt to show my depression than I am my happiness..Am I seeking sympathy, someone's attention (what is your major malfunction...Did moma not give you enough attention when you were a baby?!)I don't know...people know when I am happy, I can pin point some things, but I guess I'm just a depressing sort of person that nobody wants to be around...

so what's with all this..ahh, long story, self-realization that was long overdue...Let's see how this pans out...