hey hey hey
the highlight of my day, the sox won - but even that was problematique. no place in town had the sox on their tvs...it was supposed to be on ESPN2, everywhere checked, no baseball on the screens..and after saying that, the rest of the day was..yeah.....
i had the day off, with nothing to do, still hadnt heard from the ex yet, as each moment passed it just grew on my sanity..how could she not be wanting to contact me? i woke up early today, but didn't want to get out of bed at all...i closed the blinds tighter in hopes to block out any bit of sunlight - i've become a wreck.
the noon approaches and something finally stirs me to greet the day. it takes me two hours to get ready, don't ask me what i did because i really don't know. i decide to head on to downtown to catch the game on a big screen at a bar...actually i had the intentions on getting piss drunk tonight, something destructive for sure...
i make a stop at work to see if Sean is getting off work, i know he usually works a breakfast lunch double and he's a huge baseball fan..i really wanna give him shit for his mets not making it to the playoffs, but also invite him to watch a winning team. he's not there but another coworker invites me on over to Rock Bottom for drinks and the game, not the spot i was gonna head to, but it was ok with me, i like Rock Bottom.
The co-worker, Tom, and I shoot the shit, watch NFL highlights, just bidding the time due to a three hour rain delay for the Sox game. conversation gets heavy as he asks me about my personal life, family and so forth...we had a "it's not your fault" like scene from Good Will Hunting. it brings me to tears, but i hide it behind the pint of amber i'm drinking and recover momentarily. it had something to do about my father, me being humble, and so forth..not anything to stress about..
he eventually departs and i head over to my favorite watering hole, Vitos. well my favorite barkeeps aren't working, so i just get a maker's manhattan on the rocks - normally the barkeeps will surprise me with what they think i need to drink, and i lap it up. one of the manager's i know is working though, she's nice to me, but i'm even more surprised she remembers me..it's been awhile since i've been to vitos and even longer since i've seen her. i ask her to check the tv for the sox game...after several minutes of searching the thousands of channels i tell her to stop...
i keep myself updated on the stats of the game via my phone, finish my drink slowly, then leave...i make it back to my room, pull up the game on my computer, and lay down. i think time passes, i pass out, the phone rings...i don't know what made me answer it, but i did. it was my good friend from way back in the day, Carol. she made an attempt to reach me over the weekend but i was at work, and i am really horrible at returning phone calls..don't get me wrong, it's on my mind, i just have a gap when functioning on that level..
anyways, she's been reading the blog since i started it back up again, she's very positive when she speaks of it, saying i am very creative and write very well. hearing these compliments makes me happy for a moment, but it's not creative, it's just regurgatating what happened in my day in word format.
our relationship has been a funny one, you used to be inseperable back in third and fourth grade..but with all the moves we both have gone through, communication has been nulled...most people facing similar situations would have called it quits by now, long distance keeping up is just sooo in the ages of letters...now that technology has made it easier to keep in contact, i find most of the time that relationships and ties are gone to the wayside..if you're not in my immediate circle, then, sorry, a phone call or email is just too much...
one of the first things Carol asks me is if i had heard back from the girl, loves it. i find it funny how through my blog she has been updated to the day with the going-ons in my life...i still wonder if my stalker knows about it yet...she offers her support, we catch up, i appologize for being half out of it - just waking up from an alcohol induced nap which was unexpected has made my conversation skills sub-par...
she's about to let me go when i check out the computer for the sox score, they're winning yes! but there's also something else i notice, buttercup is online. we speak briefly on whether or not i should provoke conversation, but i say it's something i have to do. Carol ends the conversation with a goodbye and goodluck, and i go to face my last stand.
i don't feel it appropriate to go through all the nitty-gritty right now, too fresh in my mind and heart, but i will say a few things.
i start off the conversation, ask her what she has been up to, she doesn't remember her asking me to text her on friday when i arrived back home or off of work, she tells me in the beginning of the conversation she's still thinking about what she wants to do....but that quickly changes...
long story short, she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she doesn't feel the same for me as she did before, and she doesn't beleive she will ever again..i, like anyone hearing such devistating news, go straight intodefensive plea mode, trying to still win her over...
she tells me more things, i keep going strong..i may break my heart, but it's all i can do...throughout the entire conversation i am holding back from busting in tears and throwing up all over the place...worst feeling ever
it's funny though, looking on it how for the past two weeks she's had her reasons for not wanting to get back together with me..a big one was the move i was about to do, "maybe if you weren't moving so far away, yeah, i'd definitly really consider taking you back" - now that the move isn't a possibility it was up to me to work on the next things...she now sees that i am changing, i am going to be a better person, she beleives in me...i also wasn't going to hold against her a bad decsion that she feels may be something she'll never look past....i don't know
the conversation ends on instant messanger with me asking for a call later, and her saying ok...i'm hoping that her version of 'later' doesnt mean in a couple days or a week, i want later as, later tonight...i guess i need to specify...as she signs off line i'm instantly on the phone calling my friends, trying to find any support whatsoever...they do their best, but there's nothing they can do but lend an ear to me...they keep asking, "is there anything i can do", no, sadly no..just be there for me when i call crying at 4am because i cant sleep...in short, be there for me in a few days when the reality of all this really hits me...
the third call is to my grandparents, i've been holding out on telling them about the breakup, i don't wanna hear my grandmother be upset with me again about some girl...ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but i still remember how the last time it went a couple years ago...this time, she's supportive, she can barely hear what i am saying, but she gathers that i am upset and tries to offer words of comfort..hands the phone off to my grandpa who does the same...the call ends quickly, for some reason they are still living in a time where there's long distance, and i must be getting charged a huge amount for this..but they tell me to call my mother...
and i do. that in itself was a hastle..as soon as i get off the phone with them, they are calling my mother to give her the heads up and ask if i had called yet...yeah, i said as soon as i got off the phone with them, they called my mother to ask if i had called yet..and here i am on the other line with a busy signal...i eventually get through to my mother...
we haven't been the best at a son-mother relationship, obviously since i called my g'parents first, but she does her best at consoling me..after hearing now three other people's points of views, the fourth she offers is a positive one for the relationship, telling me that now that buttercup has gotten everything off her chest she'll sleep on it and call me tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight...i wish that were true, but this is real life..i've may have played around in the fantasy world too long, but i still know what's probable and what's incapable...
with every conversation i have on the phone, i find myself pacing the room, my entire body is weak so i sit..but i am too antsy, too nervous, i can't sit in one place, so i get back up...my legs feel like they are gonna give out from under me..i just wanna collapse to the ground and scream the heavens, why?! the room is spinning, i doubt it's the alcohol, i should be sobered up by now, especially after having the tear jerking conversation with buttercup. i still feel sick to my stomache, i just wanna die - i say that in the sense that i just wanna stop feeling, i think that's something we all can relate to, you want whatever it is inside you to just die already..it feels like my soul is dying and i just wanna put it out of it's (mine) misery.
so she wants to still be apart of my life, still wants us to be friends, but i know better..that cant happen, i cant lose her, but without her at my side, without that support i need like i want , forget about it...what i have to do for myself is just get rid of her...it'll be hard, and not the mature thing to do, but what else can you expect of me, i've handled this to the best of my ability, as strong as i could...every thing she threw at me as a means to the breakup, i picked apart and knocked out the park...there's nothing left for me to do..i played a helluva game, but my team still lost..MVP's aren't chosen from the losing side...
i had the day off, with nothing to do, still hadnt heard from the ex yet, as each moment passed it just grew on my sanity..how could she not be wanting to contact me? i woke up early today, but didn't want to get out of bed at all...i closed the blinds tighter in hopes to block out any bit of sunlight - i've become a wreck.
the noon approaches and something finally stirs me to greet the day. it takes me two hours to get ready, don't ask me what i did because i really don't know. i decide to head on to downtown to catch the game on a big screen at a bar...actually i had the intentions on getting piss drunk tonight, something destructive for sure...
i make a stop at work to see if Sean is getting off work, i know he usually works a breakfast lunch double and he's a huge baseball fan..i really wanna give him shit for his mets not making it to the playoffs, but also invite him to watch a winning team. he's not there but another coworker invites me on over to Rock Bottom for drinks and the game, not the spot i was gonna head to, but it was ok with me, i like Rock Bottom.
The co-worker, Tom, and I shoot the shit, watch NFL highlights, just bidding the time due to a three hour rain delay for the Sox game. conversation gets heavy as he asks me about my personal life, family and so forth...we had a "it's not your fault" like scene from Good Will Hunting. it brings me to tears, but i hide it behind the pint of amber i'm drinking and recover momentarily. it had something to do about my father, me being humble, and so forth..not anything to stress about..
he eventually departs and i head over to my favorite watering hole, Vitos. well my favorite barkeeps aren't working, so i just get a maker's manhattan on the rocks - normally the barkeeps will surprise me with what they think i need to drink, and i lap it up. one of the manager's i know is working though, she's nice to me, but i'm even more surprised she remembers me..it's been awhile since i've been to vitos and even longer since i've seen her. i ask her to check the tv for the sox game...after several minutes of searching the thousands of channels i tell her to stop...
i keep myself updated on the stats of the game via my phone, finish my drink slowly, then leave...i make it back to my room, pull up the game on my computer, and lay down. i think time passes, i pass out, the phone rings...i don't know what made me answer it, but i did. it was my good friend from way back in the day, Carol. she made an attempt to reach me over the weekend but i was at work, and i am really horrible at returning phone calls..don't get me wrong, it's on my mind, i just have a gap when functioning on that level..
anyways, she's been reading the blog since i started it back up again, she's very positive when she speaks of it, saying i am very creative and write very well. hearing these compliments makes me happy for a moment, but it's not creative, it's just regurgatating what happened in my day in word format.
our relationship has been a funny one, you used to be inseperable back in third and fourth grade..but with all the moves we both have gone through, communication has been nulled...most people facing similar situations would have called it quits by now, long distance keeping up is just sooo in the ages of letters...now that technology has made it easier to keep in contact, i find most of the time that relationships and ties are gone to the wayside..if you're not in my immediate circle, then, sorry, a phone call or email is just too much...
one of the first things Carol asks me is if i had heard back from the girl, loves it. i find it funny how through my blog she has been updated to the day with the going-ons in my life...i still wonder if my stalker knows about it yet...she offers her support, we catch up, i appologize for being half out of it - just waking up from an alcohol induced nap which was unexpected has made my conversation skills sub-par...
she's about to let me go when i check out the computer for the sox score, they're winning yes! but there's also something else i notice, buttercup is online. we speak briefly on whether or not i should provoke conversation, but i say it's something i have to do. Carol ends the conversation with a goodbye and goodluck, and i go to face my last stand.
i don't feel it appropriate to go through all the nitty-gritty right now, too fresh in my mind and heart, but i will say a few things.
i start off the conversation, ask her what she has been up to, she doesn't remember her asking me to text her on friday when i arrived back home or off of work, she tells me in the beginning of the conversation she's still thinking about what she wants to do....but that quickly changes...
long story short, she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she doesn't feel the same for me as she did before, and she doesn't beleive she will ever again..i, like anyone hearing such devistating news, go straight intodefensive plea mode, trying to still win her over...
she tells me more things, i keep going strong..i may break my heart, but it's all i can do...throughout the entire conversation i am holding back from busting in tears and throwing up all over the place...worst feeling ever
it's funny though, looking on it how for the past two weeks she's had her reasons for not wanting to get back together with me..a big one was the move i was about to do, "maybe if you weren't moving so far away, yeah, i'd definitly really consider taking you back" - now that the move isn't a possibility it was up to me to work on the next things...she now sees that i am changing, i am going to be a better person, she beleives in me...i also wasn't going to hold against her a bad decsion that she feels may be something she'll never look past....i don't know
the conversation ends on instant messanger with me asking for a call later, and her saying ok...i'm hoping that her version of 'later' doesnt mean in a couple days or a week, i want later as, later tonight...i guess i need to specify...as she signs off line i'm instantly on the phone calling my friends, trying to find any support whatsoever...they do their best, but there's nothing they can do but lend an ear to me...they keep asking, "is there anything i can do", no, sadly no..just be there for me when i call crying at 4am because i cant sleep...in short, be there for me in a few days when the reality of all this really hits me...
the third call is to my grandparents, i've been holding out on telling them about the breakup, i don't wanna hear my grandmother be upset with me again about some girl...ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but i still remember how the last time it went a couple years ago...this time, she's supportive, she can barely hear what i am saying, but she gathers that i am upset and tries to offer words of comfort..hands the phone off to my grandpa who does the same...the call ends quickly, for some reason they are still living in a time where there's long distance, and i must be getting charged a huge amount for this..but they tell me to call my mother...
and i do. that in itself was a hastle..as soon as i get off the phone with them, they are calling my mother to give her the heads up and ask if i had called yet...yeah, i said as soon as i got off the phone with them, they called my mother to ask if i had called yet..and here i am on the other line with a busy signal...i eventually get through to my mother...
we haven't been the best at a son-mother relationship, obviously since i called my g'parents first, but she does her best at consoling me..after hearing now three other people's points of views, the fourth she offers is a positive one for the relationship, telling me that now that buttercup has gotten everything off her chest she'll sleep on it and call me tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight...i wish that were true, but this is real life..i've may have played around in the fantasy world too long, but i still know what's probable and what's incapable...
with every conversation i have on the phone, i find myself pacing the room, my entire body is weak so i sit..but i am too antsy, too nervous, i can't sit in one place, so i get back up...my legs feel like they are gonna give out from under me..i just wanna collapse to the ground and scream the heavens, why?! the room is spinning, i doubt it's the alcohol, i should be sobered up by now, especially after having the tear jerking conversation with buttercup. i still feel sick to my stomache, i just wanna die - i say that in the sense that i just wanna stop feeling, i think that's something we all can relate to, you want whatever it is inside you to just die already..it feels like my soul is dying and i just wanna put it out of it's (mine) misery.
so she wants to still be apart of my life, still wants us to be friends, but i know better..that cant happen, i cant lose her, but without her at my side, without that support i need like i want , forget about it...what i have to do for myself is just get rid of her...it'll be hard, and not the mature thing to do, but what else can you expect of me, i've handled this to the best of my ability, as strong as i could...every thing she threw at me as a means to the breakup, i picked apart and knocked out the park...there's nothing left for me to do..i played a helluva game, but my team still lost..MVP's aren't chosen from the losing side...
"i just want the earth to swallow me up"
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