In El Eh

the city that never sleeps..

err, the sunshine state...

wait, eureka!

my time spent actually in El Eh was limited...i arrived Friday night and was at the apartment by 6pm, their time (real time, people time? not sure) during the course of my travels i acquired an appetite, who even knew what time it really was, my body was done questioning and just wanted answers..in the form of food.

i'm a fan of local fare (fair?) so the roommates brought me to one of their local favs, a place called Home...quaint little concept that i liked. it would be here that

Best Night in Indy (cont'd)

who cares about racing...
..just show me your tits..

because the best has yet to come...

so my night is over at work; i run my checkout, take one last look at the lobby, and start to head out the backdoors. the everyday procedure i go through is stopping at security for them to check my bag, yes, i carry in an over the shoulder bag to hold all my belongings...i used to just leave everything in my jacket pockets, but people kept stealing all my shit...so i finally got tired and used the bag work gave me....so every day i have to make a stop and let security look inside my bag....

over time with all the stops i have made friends with security, we'll chat it up about all sorts of random things, but today would be a special day. as i enter the security doors we start conversation about the party upstairs...that's when i notice they have three blue bands laying on their desk. i ask what the different colors meant, as i have seen blue, yellow, purple, and red on various peoples in the lobby..security tells me they've just been running out of colors as they have oversold for this event by almost three times..wow. they claim it to be a madhouse up there at the party and don't recommend me going, but i cannot let this opportunity pass. so i snatch the three wrist bands and run out the door down the street to wherever my car is parked.

i made mention to gary earlier in the night about us going, he only wanting to go if he could get in for free, and i said that security would give us the hook up...and well, i turned out to be right. on my way home i gave him a call, told him to get his sorry ass out of bed and be ready in 25 minutes because we were going to the playboy party! he couldn't believe it, but in a way he expected it.

at home it takes me no time at all to shower and pick out an outfit to rock out in. shortly thereafter we head back towards downtown, towards the chaos, towards destiny. we are lucky on a night like tonight to get a parking spot close to the hotel without having to pay. we take a leisurely stroll down to the entrance and make our appearance known. of course i'm going full fledged rocker, wearing my sunglasses at night, but gary is obvious...the hotel employees recognize him right off the bat, and i think our cover is blown....and for a moment it is...i play off as if i have no idea what's going on and just continue to walk in as they question gary if he is allowed in and such...i show my wristband and they open up the velvet ropes

we're in! well, we made it past the initial security and my heart is racing a little bit more with each step i take. after a passing with the security wand we are waved to go up stairs! This is really happening, i want to scream like a school girl at an N'sync concert..i keep repeating "i'm the coolest person alive" we make it up the stair case and start to walk through the open door way to where the party is at. walking in to the room was like walking into a night club..lights flashing all around, loud music playing, bar in the middle, girls in bunny outfits on stage, people everywhere...wow, this is intimidating.

i break my shell when i see an employee i was talking to just hours ago, obviously not recognizing me i walk up to her and say, "so you must be one of the bunnies" to which she gives me a weird look and a reply of "yeah right..no, not at all, i work here" i just smile at her as i place my hand on her waist, dropping my head down to show just a little bit of my eyes from the glasses and say, "well, you could have fooled me" as i give her a wink.

from that moment it's on. i don't make it another two feet without a group of people yelling to me, in a good way. they love my look, they love the fact i am wearing sunglasses inside..yes, i am indeed that guy, BUT i am that guy who can pull it off...which is sad because i can pull off a lot of stupid things, just look at my outfit for that night....

we start walking towards the front of the party, making our way around the bar, that's when we see an employee working the bar area right behind us. we go up and order some drinks, something to get us in the chill attitude...granted it's now 1am and this party started at 8pm...so we are a little behind. i want to get on stage..i brought my travel duck with me for this very reason..sure i can take pics of people with myself in it, but it's more fun to have the duck take my place..

gary spots another employee and starts conversation...we are still not close enough for me to see how to get up on stage, if there's a line or where it begins or just what, but i know you can get on there because there's obviously people up there with the bunnies. so just as the security guy was about to leave i say, "hey, how do we go about getting on that stage? where's the line" he asks, oh you want to get up there..follow me. so he starts walking in the opposite direction and we follow..i'm confused as we are walking away from the stage heading back towards the route of which we entered, but i trust him...then in a "Goodfellas" - esque moment we go through an employee side door and start walking in the back hallways..passing employees doing what employees do behind closed doors, and then we are brought through another door which leads to the side of the stage where an actual armed officer is standing..the security gives him the clearance on us and away we were...up on stage!

so now we are on the stage, but we are off to the side..we need to get in the middle because that's where all the action is, also where all the people are. i ask gary to use his size to bulldoze through to get closer in and i would just follow..but he doesn't ever take initiative, so i down my drink then use my small stature to worm in and out through the crowd.

before i know it i'm face to face with a playmate..i start to get a little nervous about doing the photo shoot with the duck, let alone speaking to her..but once he pops his little yellowed head out everything was golden. the first playmate, stephanie, was really nice - even throughout the rest of the evening she was one of the most chill - so stephanie, loving the duck takes him and shoves him in her cleavage...if only i were that duck...from then on i was no longer intimidated by the bunnies and kept my social high rolling

i find more bunnies to shoot with..we continue to stay on stage realizing this was where all the cool people hung out..and celebrities. we met other girls who were in love with our rockstarness...but the best part came when security, along with the armed officers, came to clear out the stage...they started kicking people off the stage as deemed necessary by the fire marshal in order to not shut down the party..so i figure, well, it was fun while it lasted - but the officer comes up to me, asking to see my wristband, to which i show him, and he gives me the clearance to stay on the stage...apparently it was the blue wristbands that were the uber-VIP's, the blue wristbands which i got from security, which allowed for me to have the best night of indy..

funny side story, while the officer was clearing off the stage one of the girls i had made friends with had on a purple wristband and he asked her to leave...so i try to play it cool and ask if it's cool if i say she's with me, would the ultimate blue band be above the law..but that's when he tells me about the fire Marshall and all that jazz, shutting down the party...so then i apologize to the officer, turn to the girl, and tell her to get the fuck off my stage...priceless.

the night continues..more dancing..then three ladies on the floor come up to the stage and finger-call gary and i to come on down...they don't look worth my time, but i follow to to see where this might take us. it ends up these girls work for a radio station, to which i had a surreal moment when one of them starting talking in my ear..i swear i was listening to the radio at that point...

gary goes to get the girls some drinks and that's when it gets shady..one of the girls asks me to get the attention of some guy on stage..i'm not playing lackey..so then a little bit after gary returns with drinks he asks me for my other blue band...why's that? oh because one of the whores wants to get on stage of course...using him for a blue band to go and find another guy..women are manipulative bitches..and they just got free drinks...this is why i don't buy a drink for a girl unless i'm drunk or i care, see former...

i separate myself from gary and bitchnumber3 and do my own thing...i get lost in the sea of people on the floor, returning to the stage every now and then...then in a random chance i run up with a bunny i had yet to meet. she was alone on the edge of the stage, sitting, and dancing. so i approach her and start to make conversation...she complains that her feet her, so i pop a squat next to her and dance with her...we talk more..she loves the duck..yadda yadda yadda

after awhile she says her boss is watching and she has to get up and dance...so i hep her onto her feet and she pulls me back into the crowd. we dance. she strips off my jacket and wears it. then, she has to go, saying something came up...riight, i know how this goes, she's spent enough time with me, now she's off to play with others, got ya..

in the meantime derek hough and i become friends - he actually said he was jealous of me for being able to pull off the popped collar on the jacket and sunglasses inside...he then wore my sunglasses as he sang and then popped his collar...i told him i appreciate the gesture, but people will see him and people will see me and think I'M copying HIM! he realizes i am right and returns the glasses and pulls down on his collar.

more dancing, more singing..i swear i have to be in a hundred photos because i was center stage the entire time...it was interesting because i had no idea who these people were i was singing and dancing with...any time i met up with gary on the floor with his girl he would tell me, "uhh, do you realize you were just dancing with *insertcelebritynamehere*?!"

in my random ways, i almost got in trouble. see, the girls have these bunny ears and bunny tails..and it's hard not to go "bloop" and hit them. well the one time i touched the ears the bunny turns and starts to bitch out gary..apparently touching the costume is an offence worth getting kicked out for...wow, drastic. so gary throws me under the bus, to which she doesn't believe him, but i apologize taking full responsibility..to which she becomes all not angry and sweet with me, telling me i'm a nice guy..loves it.

it's nearing 3 and the party is about to end, then i feel a tug on my jacket as i'm in the middle of doing whatever, singing to boston? no i don't need another drink, yes my wristband is blue..oh wait, it's...her...the bunny who said she would return..pilar. she felt bad for the time away but had to get tings straightened out..but she returned...of course it was the end of the night and the bunnies were leaving...so what do i do..ask to exchange numbers...with a playmate...

first of all, who the hell do i think i am..asking for a bunnies number....i don't remember lying to her..what the...ughhh....but the worst part of it all...it worked

so the party ends, we exit the hotel when a gentlemen asks to see my duck...to put in his Maserati...so he does and i take pics..i swear that duck is actually cooler than me!by this point i am on cloud nine...and gary, his whore, and myself all go to SnS where i get a steakfrank. home by 6am..the end.










"oh my god i love me"

..Have Another Please?

the actual holiday..
..that just won't end...

wait, didn't i just have a long day yesterday?

my alarm is going off, i open my eyes and start grabbing at where i believe the noises are coming from..eventually my flailing is rewarded. i look at the clock and see that it's 8:35am, that means i slept through my first alarm and that was my backup, great. well it's a good thing i passed out in my clothes, more time to get ready i suppose. a good ol fashioned whore shower is all i have time for- that's where you don't actually shower, you just rub on some deodorant and spritz some cologne a couple of times and you are all set - grab my bag and i'm out the door...

it's sunday morning, the sun is shining brightly, and i'm heading back to work - it's a weekend and early enough for me to get a good parking spot today, which makes me a little happier with my disposition...ughhhh, back to work at 9am...not only did i agree to come in an hour and a half earlier, i also agreed to work the night shift tonight as well, what was i thinking last night, oh right...those illusive dollars signs...like titties on a girl..

i get to work just as the first wave of reservations start walking in the door - but it's not until an hour or later when i actually get my first table, then for what was i there so early...it was the start of how my entire day would go...

i worked in a section the was devoid of any parties, the only section mind you, with nothing larger than a three top sat in it...everybody was running around like John Wayne Bobbitt with his....you get the picture (early 90's slang anyone?) but as for me, it takes a lot to get me in the weeds...moving fast, not so much as that's just how i operate, but i was slow, had the lowest cover count, and just dicked around by making fun of everyone else..people get pissed when they are crazy busy and i walk past them casually with my phone in my hand updating my tweeter..

the rush comes to a lull, so the crew from lunch quickly puts the kitchen back in order - its amazing to see just how disheveled a kitchen can become during it's peak hours..the more war-torn the alley and kitchen become, the harder it is for servers to do their jobs..making only more of a mess...it's a wicked process that all comes down to, if you would have done it right the first time, it wouldn't be so bad now...

the doubles all get to take a break except me, i stay on, with the 'reward' of getting to take care of a ten top at 4. my 'break' consisted of me sitting down to do my checkout from lunch, while making calls to all four of my mothers, and watching my ten top get sat on camera...

from there on out my night was a bust....the first ten top racked up a bill close to 600, which may sound good to you, but i'm at a place where my average PPA is over a hundred....*whispers* that means based off of my sales i average over a hundred dollars a head, so this party basically took a shit on me..my five top turned into a three top, leaving me with a verbal tip and 9%...at this point i started pleading with the manager to send me home - i actually made the mention of getting rid of me somewhere around 2:30 when my day had already turned to shit, i had the hopes of salvaging it by calling it a night and enjoying the beautiful weather..not so much...

i swear the hosts were having a blast seating me..in the morning it was any walk-in that came off the street, no actual reservations for me...nothing but slacked jawed yokels...at the point i was blowing up i actually made the comment that i had had more foreigners and colored people in my section today than i've had in the past year, what's next, Asians?! the host hands me a ticket that lets me know i've just been sat, i go out to greet my new table, and the couple, well..they're Asian...

the manager knows i'm not having it - i'm not the only one though, most of the staff are all strung out from the shift earlier, many worked the night prior as well..something about this weekend killed everyone...i've worked 27 hour shifts, i've put in over 40 hours in three days, i've worked Halloweekends, but this weekend i tells ya...something must have been in the air..

the manager did his very best to throw me bones all night long, my cover count had to be something outrageous by the end of it all - i'm guessing like 40 - but my sales and entree count would reflect differently...people were not out to spend money in my section, not on the food nor the service..maybe they saw it in my face, maybe i was so weary i could no longer keep my 'server facade' up and it snowballed down, i don't know.

my favorite part of the night was right after i got 10% off the Asians and was told i was still on, i was at a terminal ringing in an order or something when this bitch of a hostess comes over, grabs my hand, pulls it back, as i am pecking away mind you, all to see what time it was. i, in what was later refereed to as a stone cold sober look, said,"do it again and i'll bitch slap you" then turned my head back to the terminal and started re-pecking...the only time i ever appear to be serious is when i'm pissed, go figure...just a few moments later i walked by the manager on duty and said, "oh yeah, the pregnant hostess is probably gonna come to you later about something and it's probably all true too" - she's known for her tattling on anyone for anything.

i couldn't have asked for a worse night, as if my tables weren't bad enough, the kitchen couldn't cook the food right if their lives depended on it...over cooks, under cooks, out right ignoring my message of 'NO ONIONS!'...i was about to go back there and make it myself, but no, not really. and even with all the comps, free desserts, and free wine people still couldn't open up their wallets..

it was at the end of the night, i was helping a busser clean up one of my tables as my last table were saying their goodbyes. he knew i had been having a rough night so he made the comment, "well, they seemed nice, maybe they made up for it" i laughed and said to him, "think of it like this, all is on the line with that last table..it's like it is the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded, it's a full count...and i need a 10 run homerun in order to win...that's about where i am at" we get up from the one table and move to the recently departed table..."the wind up, here's the pitch...it's a swing" as i flip open the check presenter 'it's probably the most decent hit we've seen all night, but it's just not enough to pull this young team out of the hole this time Bob'

my real reward for the day is somehow i got by without doing sidework all day long, only having to make 1 rack of sets, and still managing to make rent all in one day..hell i've worked just as hard for a lot less...i was happy with the end results by checkout time, though i know it could have been greater, it was just the means to get there that was so troublesome....

i clock out, somehow i managed to get seven hours of overtime this week...then i remembered i also had to stay til 1:30 in the morning on tuesday..ughhh, this week has been killer, err, wrong wording...when i arrive home i immediately hop into the shower...the warm water feels like a comfy blanket..i take a seat in the tub and sigh, it's been a long day.










"i need a drink, a pair of titties, and humor....where do you fall in those categories"

SNOW DAY Part 2

more snow
snow more

roads, apparently dakota ridge doesn't think we need roads...

i wake up overhearing my roommates talking outside my door this morning..god only knows what time it is, but i say eff that and roll over...i wake up later..feels like 1 to me, i go to the bathroom for my morning piss and upon my arrival back to my room i see the clock says it's only 9am..this can't be right..i take a look at my phone for a second opinion...nope, it's 9 alright..coool...i'm awake and it's early...this is weird....everyone else is sleeping, nobody is online, so i go back to sleep..i don't think i want to start off my day this early

i awake only 2 hours later...cooool..i try to get ahold of some people, again, no success...my manager (the one i hate) has also left a message on my phone during that nap..its a weird message, a hey call me when you get this...not the standard 'do you want to take the cut tonight' or 'hey we need this bla bla bla' so i think i am in trouble, great....

i get up but keep to myself in my room...once 1 rolls around i make my way out through the apartment..this wakes up Gary...i make some breakfast/lunch - a pbj&h - and decide to call my boss back...see, 11-1 is the 'lunch rush' so i didn't want to bother him then..so i waited til 1. so i make my call and as it turns out i am not in trouble, he just needed a host..the snow storm that came in last night has caused a lot of people to not be able to come into work...but then he sees that i am SA'ing tonight so it wasn't going to work out anyways...he comically made a comment if i knew the spiel or not, but then said of course i did..so i told him i'd see him at 5 and the call was ended...

little did i know i just botched my roommates plans...gary comes out of his room as i am on the phone, listens to me talk, and as i hung up he erupts...apparently the numb nuts called in to work saying he couldn't make it in because of the snow...mind you he called at 8am for his 5 pm shift...wow..that takes balls...

now the best of the story happens just a little bit later, at work, while we are still at home...so as the story goes...soapy comes into work and B Hewey is updating her on all the call offs and the line up for tonight...she sees my name on the list...she over hears gary's name being said for calling off..she puts two and four together..she confirms with Hewey that gary called off...and that jangus is still coming in...and then she asks him if gary is at his home...and if jangus is at his home....hewey doesn't see where this is all going until soapy says...don't you know they live together...the moment that was said hewey gets on the phone with gary...."how's that not coming in working for ya?" gary would respond saying, well since jangus thinks he can make it i guess i'll just ride with him...

while gary is getting ready i make an attempt to unbury my car...the snow is piled high and i am in work pants...coool...so i do my best to swift the snow off the hood and the places i can reach...then i hop ontop of the hood and work forward....it was the only way i saw i could get the snow off without stepping into three feet of snow..

now the lowest snow built up around my car was on the passenger side rear door...so i hopped down and got in through my backdoor...this is where my idea goes wrong...i start my car and pull back a little bit...driving from the backseat using my snow scrapper to engage the brake and gas pedals...i get out of my spot decently enough for me to make some more rounds around my car getting the other snow off....but in the process of backing out, i lodged my car right into the snow drift...

see the apartment complex i live in decided it would be good to only to plow one little strip of the road, and push all the snow onto the sides of the road..where people's cars are...now looking back, had i been in the drivers seat i probably would have been able to get my car out of the snow pile, but driving from the backseat i feared i wouldn't have the ample reaction time to stop the car from hitting the gran-am that was right behind me, so i stopped short, and thus stopping it on the ridge...way to go...

so then gary comes out and yells at me because he wanted us to take his car...right, a cavalier handling in the snow..let alone getting out of that spot...no, not possible. so now my car is stuck...gary pushes because he thinks he is some sort of manly beast..i sit in the car and drive it nowhere...all the while this is going on, people are coming out of their apartments with shovels, getting their cars out, then going back to their apartments to put away the shovels....not one person offered to help...but the kicker is...everybody who got out earlier today was coming home from work..and lived down our street...

my favorite was when this bitch is a silver cougar comes down the road and pulls up nearby my car...now she can't get by because i am half in and half out..we are struggling and then i look at her, and the moment i do, she gives me the hands up shoulder shrug like, "come on" - about this time gary says now we look like assholes to all the girls that live here....so i go off..i see this bitch do her little hand gesture, probably rolled her eyes..and i say, oh yes, yes, my fault, let me just get in my car and move it out of the way! i'm not stuck or anything..i can surely move my vehicle with the greatest of ease right now...in face....ohhhh, you got me....this is all a joke..me stuck here preventing you from parking...you just got punked....this is about the time she decided to back her car up and go down another road...

the maintenance crew from the apartment come by in their little riding lawn mower and see us struggling..the first people to help us...at first they start pushing my car in and i ask gary, which way did you tell them we wanted to go? he said in...god what a fool...so i yell out my window..we want out, not in...so everyone changes sides of the car and starts to push us out.. within minutes we are on the road...gary and i quickly run into the house to get what we need for work and hop back into the car...

on our way out of the apartment complex as we turn right, to my left i notice that silver cougar with the bitch in it.....stuck halfway in a parking spot....karma's a bitch, bitch.

work is work...everyone makes fun of gary for trying to call off...i SA and have only a two server section again..lame...i make no money, spend it all on wings (finally got my wings!) and alcohol at bdubs while i wait for gary to get off of work...

we get back to the apartment and we try for a spot..they still have yet to finish the plow job, and my car gets partially stuck...so i get out and start to push it..then gary gets out...i tell him..cool, i left the car in drive, so when we push it out its going right into that truck you realize...so i went and turned the wheel..we get it free with no problem..i run up to the front door and just walk with the car as it is in driving, steering from the outside right into a new, better spot...

"oh right, i'm not thinking fourth dimensionally, once we get the car out of the snow drift, those cars won't even be there...my bad..."