What Have I Done???

Ok, so the funny thing with this blog and title itself has change drastically over the 20 hour period that i have been thinking about blogging. so work was, well work, sunday at alco, get some sleep seeings how i didn't get any the night prior due to circumstances i'll explain later, then off to target...wherein i got sent home after first break for having massive "panic/anxiety attacks". in all i was over, heavily breathing, about to snap and ball at any moment in the backroom, my legs grew numb, then i kinda passed out, but not really. they tried giving me some water, but i couldn't swallow the shit, it hurt to breathe, yet i felt i had to at a tremendously fast rate, my lungs started to hurt, among other cavities in my chest. they let me out of the building but i was in no condition to drive, so i did the next best thing, i balled my eyes out til i passed out from all the overexhurtion.when i came to i drove around, tried to think about things, nothing really helped, i made it home at 730 or so. why you ask am i, jason angus, telling you about something i would wish not to tell, a character flaw, an infalbility amoungst myself, probably because i lost the person who i normally would tell these things to. so what happened you ask? it all goes back to just a couple days ago, brooke and i seemed to be getting close, not bf/gf, but best friend close, maybe with some love added in there, but things were getting really good between us, and i was becoming happier. so we're telling each other everything, and she has something to tell me, she says i won't like it and so forth, what it is i don't know, but she thinks i'll hate her for it, but i tried telling her before, i could never hate her, no matter what she did, i will always love her. so admist the story telling, whcih she never get very far, she turned the tables and asked me a question, it was time to fuss up, yes i did lie to her about whom i talked to about us while i was at michigan. as i said before, i didn't like the fact that i lied to her, but at the time it seemed to be the only possible thing to do, it didn't seem like the situation was a big deal, not as if i lied to her about sleeping with someone or any other huge thing, but apparently this was a HUGE thing to her, i didn't realize it, i fucked up. it hurt me each time she asked about it, and i came close several times to confessing, i just couldn't keep lying to her. and even during this past week i had thpught about bringing up that little lie to her, and coming clean, i hoped that this would be a good thing to do, being honest and upfront about everything all the time, i was hoping toconnect with her more. she eosn't trust me anymore, she doesn't want to talk to me, all her love towards me has vanished, i killed anything that could have been us...but i love her, i honestly do, can't you tell by what my heart is bleeding unto this screen that i do...i mean i'd do anything for her, she's my princess, i didn't want to lie to her anymore. and now she feels as thoguh she can't tell me this thing/story of hers.i don't care what it is, i'm not going to get mad baby, just please talk to me. i know you read this blog, at least i think you still do. please forgive me, i'm sorry...."I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can't keep track of each fallen robin"...i had something that hurt you, not tell me the thing that will hurt me, and it will make things even, right? i mean i'm aboe to look past it, though i don't know what it is, i love you, and i want ot be wit you more than anything...i know you've told me right now isn't a good time for you, you don't want a boyfriend, you just want a friend, and i know i don't understand that because, baby, it's us, dating me is like what we've been doing for the past 2 monthes we haven't been dating, we talk every night, i come down to visit you, i sleep in the meijer's parking lot while it snows for you, i rearrange my schedule to make it we can be together, i planned this weekend getaway to chicago for you, and i still accountable only to you, and that's the way it's always gonig to be. i can't loose you...you tell me that to love you is to let you go, but to let you go is to let me die. i want you to keep focused on your studies, of course, i want you to succeed in everything you do, and i want ot be the guy standing next to you watching you accomplish those things. i know we can do it together...i don't know what else to say right now, i love you, i'm sorry, please find it in your heart to forgive me, i'll always be able to forgive you, i know we can make this work, i leave you with this...

I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love,
I love you more than money and more than the stars above,
Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea,
Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.

Ever since you walked right in, the circle's been complete,
I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun,
I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun.

You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live,
When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give,
Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole,
Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul.

You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life,
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife,
My thoughts of you don't ever rest, they'd kill me if I lie,
I'd sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth,
We'll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth,
What's lost is lost, we can't regain what went down in the flood,
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood.

It's never been my duty to remake the world at large,
Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge,
'Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn't bend,
And if there is eternity I'd love you there again.

Oh, can't you see that you were born to stand by my side
And I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,
You're the other half of what I am, you're the missing piece
And I love you more than ever with that love that doesn't cease.

You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see,
Just bein' next to you is a natural thing for me
And I could never let you go, no matter what goes on,
'Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone

Fuck Off...

i think i need some time off. i haven't been able to blog due to my crazy work schedule. all i know is that i'm pissed at some people...let's see, jimmy c was being an asshole, stealing 25 dollar pallets and saying shit about doing things for mt own personal gain, yeah ok. apparently it's not a good thing to become a "jason angus", i don't know why, i have things, don't i, well maybe not what i want. maybe i suppose so,but damn, thanks for the harsh ripping on me guys. somebody keeps eating my boo berry cereal, which isn't sold around here, and it's my last box i wanted to enjoy..looks like another trip to Biggs, for a box of cereal...and there's also other crap going down. i'm getting the impression i'm just a bad person in general. why do people say things, then don't talk about them when asked. why does my heart keep breaking, when it's already been destroyed, why am i so hungry right now, i just ate last night. why aren't the lights on, it is 130. Why can't i find a better job. what is holding me back, it's not like i have any dreams, well just one, but tat's already ruined so now what. i'm sorry, i'm leaving it with this. i guess i'm bound to not live with anybody for the rest of my life, but you know hat the sad part is, i only show my true angry/depressed feelings on here, elsewhere it's a front of somewhat happiness, that's terrible. ok, time off now, see you guys..i don't know, no calls, nothing, you don't need me like i need her......goodbye everyone

I've counted my eggs before they hatched and put them into one basket....basically i'm fucked

just when you, well actually i, think times are rough, some kick to the groin comes along to make things worse. My 23 day count down is nearing and coming in with even greater a bang now. my mother has come to the conclusion that we just can't afford paying the house every month, and so now she's in a predicament. So i'm guessing by the time my countdown will be up, so will our stay here at 634 apache lan. she's torn on what to do; either move back in with my grandparents and give up the dogs, or move down to missourri, and she wants to do neither. The first one i understand, living with my grandparents, in a small small trailer, living with my granparents, wouldn't be onlnie, living with my granparents, loosing the dogs, and living with my granparents. the second offer i'm not sure why she's turning that down, who knows. Looks like i'm going to have to be aggressive and got on the ball with nancy so that we can seal the deal on a house and i'll be able to extend my long term problems with a short term solution. well i've always been 'fraid of changes *the hershey bar, unchanged since 1899*, and yeah i did build my life around you; all hopes, dreams, desires, which is a way to show love, yet so worng when it doesn't work out. think about that, when yo love someone you have to "prove" it, not really prove, but you understand what i'm saying, by opening upyour heart, extending yourself out for them, and hopefully becoming one...well if during the chemical interaction someting screws up such as disagreements, some other person walks into their life, the openness just allows a massive destruction of he wrongeds inner self and feelings. you have to give your heart every time you fall in love, or think you've fallen in love, and just pray that they feel the same about you, always....god this rambling is too incoherant for even me, i'm sorry. i'm also sorry that i've bothered you with my presence, if you want to be friends, that's fine, i'll have to treat you just like my other friends as well, and that would be a lot different..maybe you could be my best friend and then things would stay the same..ahh who knows, i'm sorry. speaking of friends...you'd have to steal from me, steal all sorts of things, whether it be money, time, ideas, whathave you, just steal and take all that i live around from me. when you build up your life on the small things, it's easy for stupid fuckers to fuck with your life, just mess with the little things, details, perfection, idas, whatever..but to get back at a person who beleives big things are the way of life you got to fuck with their big things, whcih usually ends up in a crime or something of the sorts....vandalizing thier homes, cars, whatever, asualt and battery, and in some cases, murder. yeah, you see when you fuck with people who like living with all the attention on small things, and you yourself are a big beleiver, we know how to fuck with you back....it just takes the willing/crazy/whatever...in all, don't fuck with us, leave us be, it's like we're the geeks of highschool or some shit, you get all this enjoyment out of torturing our lives because it is so easy...well you know what, fuck you! I'll get mine don't you worry...sorry, got off onto another tangent. well basically, i forgot most of what i wanted to say now, agian, this always happens, maybe i should write some shit down...hmmm...well though my future actions will seem like i'm escaping everything, and everyone, in reality i'm just escaping from me...and that will be all that was me, around me, and yeah, everything...but i need to do this.....just as she has left me.....i'm starting anew, it's over...i give up...goodbye

Things Suck....

So yeah, i thought i blogged about on monday how i blew my tire after leaving work from target, but i guess i was wrong, not 2 minutes on the raod and i blew my tire, fucking $200 for a tire. it was 7am and they finally got it on and i was on my way at 1020, missing the interveiw i needed to do for this old guy for alco. it was 4 degrees outside and here i was in the home depot parking lot putting on my doughnut, well i can now say i drove on a doughnut, hhaha, and heard a crazy story about the guy who helped me how back when he was in highschool he shoked a joke with the benchpress bar because he was picking on his handicapped brother, how great.so i am going in tangents here.....
I'm on probation on target which blows because due to the economy they are now promoting people with experience rather than schooling,great timing for me...
I really wanted to talk to you last night, but had nothing, i needed you, i need you, i want you....
so i have this idea for us, but i don't know if you're up for it, since you did just go tripping, i'll talk to you about it.....
dogs barking in the morning piss me off......
i hate it when my mom puts the toliet paper on backwards...and when she buys the rough shit....
the movies, tv, and media in general has fooled it's captive audience in beleiving in their dreams and what the ideal state of love is....nothing is like it is on tv, it's always lied to us, it gives us this picture perfect scenario, a utopian society, and you're supposed to use that as your guide in the real world, i think not. i mean that's what we want it to be like, but there are rough times, lots of them, love isn't as grand as the movies say. break up sucks, especially when the reasoning is because love isn't like this, it's not what i've been old, love is how you define it, a lot of people a harsher on the ones they love, because they love them,"you always hurt the ones you love most" you have higher expectations of people, let's use cowrkers, and when they slack, you are harder on them than say ol joe bob because joe bob sucks to begin with. i'm sorry for that....
even when i try i fail....that just sucks "failure, when you're best just isn't good enough"
is it foolish that i want to carry out our plans, whether i'm alone or not, i am going to do it....
speaking of movies, i watched Sweet Home Alabama, and you know towards the end where Reese (ha, first name basis) stands that NY guy up at the alter and doesn't marry him, and he's all like, yeah that's cool....that would never really happen and i was pissed at that, if he truly loved her, he'd be in shock, crying, and later pissed....but then it comes together, you have to watch the deleted scenes to find out the truth...you see he was cheating on her, now how fucked up was that, but it made me happy to know that, i felt a little better about myself...
nancy frigo is a really nice person, the appointment with her went well, and we just shot the shit while getting down to business, she even offered me The Last Drop, hahhaha
hmm that's about all for now i'll blog laters....

Shit.....

Well I had something to say, but fuck if i know now...all i know is i can't sleep, my head ache is bother the hell out of me.....yeah sleep, too aggitated to sleep, this is what hell would be like if hell had you in it, well maybe lack ther of because it's hell without you or something along those sorts, i can't even think straight, my mind hurts...til then

What the Hell's Going On???

So naturally i slept today, i mean whatelse was there to do, i needed my sleep between jobs and such, did watch a movie though, but that was only to make it so that i didn't sleep 14 hours...anywaysso once agian my dreams are fucking with me, i think someone's out to get me. i'll explain. you ever have those dreams wherein things are in your dream that you yourself haven't thought about in 10 years, people, places, ideas, things in the forgotten past, and then all of a sudden out of the clear blue they're there, like they hadn't missed a beat. everything is eactly as you remembered it from back then..well i've been having these dreams, and then today, today goes in the books. ok during dreams we've all had the "i just woke up in my dream dream", basically your dream starts with you waking up, or there's a part for transition it seemed like you were sleeping in it......well what happens when you dream in this state of already dreaming? Yeah, i had that, which really fucked me up. i mean think about it....you go to sleep, then you start dreaming, and it seems like a dream, then you wake up and your talking about your dream to people in your dream, you remember all the details, everything. yeah that freaked me out damn well and good, and since the dream involved the past, sorta, it's making me think about things...so here's my comment nobody will understand but me, i'm i bound to have an angie every 7 years? ha the mere thought of that is fucked up, but could explain so much...on that note, goodnight, i'm off to work while listening to my classical techno, yeah, that's fucked up too...

HA.....

Ok so the title....that's what i forgot....basically i figured i could now lay everything on the table, anything i've ever wanted to say, things i shouldn't say, things people asked me not to say, my thoughts and opinions which are just fucked up, but this would be the ultimate in unloading of anything i've ever had, so this will upset and piss a lot of people off, and maybe that's the intent.....


yeah well the backroom team last night knows that i'm not in my "normal" "happy happy" mood, they see it, and they want it to let it be, bu out of kindness they ask if anything is wrong, once i give them a blow off answer, their satisfied for having asked, and now they can continue about their ways..it's a nice way it works out, nobody's harassing me, i mean come on, it's work not therapy. i mean they do try to make me feel beter with little things, and it makes me smile, they're a good group, well some.


at target tonight, to keep on that track, i got the worst feeling of pity party vibes since, well, pity party first formed. I spent the entire night wallowing on my own self pity..these feelings of inadequacy, pain, sorrow, regret, wrongfulness, they were back and with a vengance. it wascompletely terrible, i forgot how bad these things truly felt seeings i was with the one i love for over 2 years. All i can say, with an escape for words, is it just fucking sucked.....i need to go away, whether it be to my hole, or whatever...

as for now that's all i really got to say, i'm sure i'll be back with some stuff, i'm writing a bunch

Here It Is...

Ok, so i was thinking this morning at Target, and my thoughts are getting clearer, if that's a word. Yeah, I'm having complete thoughts, now whether they be sane or anything close to that is the other subject. Thoughts of leaving all this behind were running rampant in my head like a teenager just finding out what a boobie is. So many options, but here i sit, doing nothing. Everyone always wants to head to california when they want to get away, zach baiel's idea last year, brooke's this year, i don't see what's so good over there, maybe i should give it a shot i mean heck, i haven't even been out of a 5 state area around here. And then when i start thinking about it i realize i don't want to get up and go at any random, spontaneous point because of the fact that i have bills, car payments, priorities and responsibilities....but isn't that for leaving in the first place, to get away from all that? So then we all know about the final solution, but that's to come, not for right now...then i was thinknig about if things do pick up, like finding a good job, it will most likely be ofu of this state, and one random day i'll pick and leave for that life, leaving everything that left me here. i mean why not, if others think they can do it, why can't i; why shouldn't it be possible to leave all the pain and suffering behind and start on a blank slate somewhere else...granted i'm not sociable and won't be finding any friends, but i'll keep myself busy. if at all necessary, i could take up two jobs, but that would defeat one of the purposes why i left.i vowed to never love agian, like i could or even wanted to, so maybe i'll get a dog, no, i'd like that too much, i'll do without, i'll stick to little stupid things that make me and only me happy. hmmm, this tangent got a lot longwer than i expected, and now i forgot what elsde i was planing on saying...well this is jason saying the phone's on, but i'm only retrieving voicemails...... ha that has a double meaning, thanks

Let the Countdown Begin...

I'm sorry my bloggings have been, well, irratic, i hope we all know the reasoning for this - yes, work. I'm loosing myself agian in my work, not having the time to even stop and think what's going on. Today for starters just proved to me that all my efforts are fruitless; everything i tried to do whether it be pleasing someone, beating the system, time, or going around the guy in front of me, it was to no avail. Around 330 as i got to work at alco i realized i just wasn't gonig to put forth any extra effort to do something; if it was bothering me, in my way, any bit of troubling, i was just going to take it, not change/correct/manuver around it - i mean for what would be the reason? So now you may be asking what does the title have to do with anything, normally i address this query in the opening sentence of my blogging, but wanted it to elude your mind for a second then tell you about it, or whatever. Well basically in 31 days from today, there will come the day which i never thought would; i mean growing up you may look past that point at bits and pieces of the future life, but as i grew older, i knew i wouldn't make it past 19. Becoming 20 turns you to nothing - think about it - you are no longer a teenager, yet not old enough to buy alcohol, just as the second number denotes, you are zilch. Now that i put that depressing spin on the age 20, that's not my reasoning for not wanting to be that number. All in all i just never saw myself growing to this point, i was assured i'd be dead by now, whether it be by my hands, someone else's, or just an incident; i mean i knew i'd "graduate" middle school, and then go onto highschool, go throguh that torture, and maybe start gonig to college, but that's where it got blurry. Yeah i wanted to be rich when i was 30, but how did i get there, then i'd think about college, what i'd major in; then realizing what i wanted changed more often than my socks did. Psychology, yeah that will get me far; Law, too many lawyers, and i'd have to be some evil crook to be rich; Architect/Urban Devolper, yeah stupid and all my ideas would be spent after the first few designs...so that left me nowhere. And I'm not even really good at any one thing, i'd say i'm alright at most things, but not one thing do i show exemplary talent in. I don't know what i want, if only i had enough money to do things i wanted to do, open a business to say i owned a business, or made just that one building i wanted, read books on psychology and of course parapsychology. So where in the world is there a place for someone like me? Ohhhh, 31 days....31 days for things to turn around, well actually 30, then the last day will be just that, a day to look onto the past, not the future. Granted i did during highschool extend my thoughts of being rich, this time with a special someone, and my "20" thoughts were out of the question, i'd live past that. Hell i got so wrapped up in being with her i almost missed picking out a college alltogether -thank you UofM with their late acceptance date- but here i sit, not in college, but in town, as a townie. I've retunred to a place which i left only to inturn have everything i came back for leave me. These are my thoguhts at this monet, this is jason angus saying goodnight

Weekend With My Lovely...

So let me tell you about the much anticipated weekend with my lovely, though i don't think legally i can say that...maybe the weekend with the lovely, yeah i think that will work for now. I got off to a late start sortwa, would have liked to be on the road before 4 but run ins with family and other crap held me back, so got things going off shakey. I wanted to trim time off due to the late start so i decided to take a new route i've never taken before, 26 across the state, which all in all seemed to work just fine, as long as there weren't cars in front of me that is. I do beleive i made it down there by 8 her time, walked into the building and waited a couple minutes for her to come down, i got really anxious, and then she arrived, and i was happy. We headed out in search of findng a movie theater...while cruising we ended up in downtown muncie, the drunken orgy fest was going on and we wanted out of there as fast as possible. along the traveling we did find some theaters, but the movies had funny playing times and we wouldn't be able to watch all of it or so. And thus we headed to Meijer, letting her drive my car of course, i think that made her happy. I will admit that i was beyond slap happy that night for several reasons; well on is obvious, i was with the brookie, and i'll just go to two with it, i had worked friday night at Target nito saturday morning working at alco and was running on no sleep at tat time, but the things we'll do for love...so meijer was fun, she bought stuff, we got overcharged and i got to fix it, yay, and then we decided to head back to the dorm. We rented out the kitchen and made velveeta shells and cheese, which posed to be a problem at first, the damn stove kept smoking, but we finally got it cooked. We ate the delicious meal under the lights of the movie screen playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. it got to be 12 and i was kicked out, and should have been a long time ago or so they said, and i departed til the next day. I headed back on over to meijer, went in only because i forgot to bring hair gel and neede some for the next day, damn me and my petty maintence. So sleeping in the car in the meijer parking lot was fine until 5, it was just too damn cold even with my blanket and jacket wrapped around me. So i started my car and turned on the heated seat, which then instantly put me back to sleep...and i oke up an hour later cursing that i left my car running, turned it off and fell back asleep. woke up before my alarm went off which gave me plenty of time to get ready in the bathroom to meet agian. so she took me to this, well church but not church, worship session, bad wordings, worshipping, maybe, yeah, that sounds good. it was different, a lot different, run by some students, i can see why she likes it so much. I thought i was at a concert or something, the live band was intense. i would even go so far as to say maybe zach would like it...but that's just me. Aftwerwards we met up with liz and another friend, kate i beleive, for lunch. I couldn't tell if that was the same cafeteria i was at march 10 1999 or not, seemed close to it, but things have changed so who knows, stepping out of the past...during lunch brooke came up with this cry rambling, that if i tried to explain, well, i wouldn't even be sable to begin...you just had to be there, so then we headed to the mall, a place i love gonig to, brooke was looking for dresses for prom, no not with me *sigh*, but the mall is mall so you can virtually go into every store and still be out in an hour, i enjoyed it. Tehn we headed over to the very ghetto target, which was a sad sight because half the store was empty...they are building a new one overby the mall which will open..well the 8th. they were out of the stuff that we wanted but did purchase the Q-tips she needed. and then we headed back to the dorm. I got some pictures of her *YAY* and she went to her room and took some for me, and then i walked her to orchestra receital. In the building she huged me goodbye, and i didn't want to let go of her. it was emotionaly, but i tried olding back from anything, i told he i'd miss her, she replied with yeah right, we said goodbye and she turned and headed down the hallway as i watched from the entrance, her walking away from me, the door closed and i walked into the brisk air outside with a tear in my eye. i walked back to my car and headed out of town....
The Ride Back...
So i had nothing to do that night so i decided to kill time and headed up to hartford city to go see an alco. i was told since i was that far it was quicker to go to fort wayne then take 30 back to lowell, entrusting this advice i did so. Well to make a longstory short i was on te road for approximatly 5 hours doing that trip, good god was i dissapointed, good thing i didn't have to work or anything that night. I made it into my bed at 8 my time and crashed right there and then, any plans for people wanting to go out would just be pushed back to a later date and time, i was dead tired.
So wit the final note between that saturday to tuesday i put close to 700 miles on my car, how fucking insane is that????

Got Me...

Ok so i don't have anything really to say, I'm at a blank, at a lose. It's Thursday, conference call and truck today, but Georgey should be leaving for DeMotte just as the truck pulls up, just as he has for 4 out of the past 8 trucks this year. Funny thing happened last night...Twan was driving George's truck and he spotted Tristen Martin so he swung around to talk to ihm and rolled down the window. So as he was finished chatting, he pushed the button to raise the window to it's original postion, but as he pushed, nothing happened, and Twan's first thoguht was......you ready..."huh, it must have run out of clicks" HA, for all those who know george, that's fricking hilarious. Well the window did go up in the end, but the fact that it is nearing it's death with so many clicks is amazing. Also last night there was confusion over my target schedule; they called me and asked were i was at at 1130, then they checked the schedule and realized i didn't work. So when i called them back to get everything straight they had to ask me about my voicmail that i leave on my phone. This one is crazy, everytime people hear it for the first time, they go to leave a voice message and they are just sitting there, you can hear them breathing and thinknig. then thye try to complete out their thoughts like they had originally planned. So if you're in for a good laugh/brain twister/whatever, give my cell a call today,it will be turned off when i'm in alco so the voicemail will pick up and give it a listen, 613-3524 you all know the number. so i should be going, i'm hungry yet don't know what to eat, like i have breakfast on hand anyways. i should be going down to muncie this weekend. i want to look for jobs online one day, but be damned if i never have the time to do so...who knows what i want anyways, be like zach and go back to college? Ha,maybe we could try going to a college together, or just sit back and watch the "good" years go by. ok a little carried away....

Where did i put my.....

So I'm searching, yet I'm finding nothing. I am having so many problems from so many different areas. I don't know if these count as my feelings, just some random thoguhts, based i feelings i suppose. So i said, not just to myself, but to anyone who was in earshot, i'm sick and tired of working 70 hours a week, it's finally catching up to me, or maybe i'm jealous of others having "free time", who knows. I mean granted i will always have to work, whether i have money or not, just to keep myself sanely occupied. I want a job wherein i'll work 50 hours, sure, and get paid as well as what i am making now, perferably more of course, but that's not going to happen. I'd like to move out of the basement, have my own shit in my own place. I'm not "growing up" like some people, i don't change drstic thoughts in my fucked up head and toy with others, this would be for me, not affecting anyone, and everything would be grand. I don't know what's in store for me, soon i'll be 20, the nothing years, hell, i said last night that growing up i'd never thought i'd see it to the 20's, i probably just couldn't imagine it. you don't know what you got til it's gone. i came up with another song today, but i suck as a song writer. I mean i come up wit this great idea to have a song about, but once i get going, it sounds too contrived. Maybe i need some other "band" member to help me out here, but these ideas i have sound good, if only i could put them down like i want and make it sound good, and without getting too out of control with it as well...ahhh, on a note of cool things, last night as i was driving home, ann and i always race down 41 to the 30 intersection, it's funny cause she's like 40 something but drives a new monte carlo. we'll speed up and try to pass each other, but not really going over 75 or so. well the other day i realized when i push in this button on my shifter, it makes my car perform a lot better in "racing". Like just two days ago i used it and was jolted back in my seat by the extreme power of it..anways...so i pushed it in agian last night, and as i floored it, the front end of my car actually lifted off the groun, i saw the traction active light come on because the wheels were just spinning and i could feel it lift off the ground. i almost shat myself. ok it was really cool, but i doubt i'd be able to do it agian, and would probably prefer not to....back to the sad notes...i watched High Fidelity tongiht, and let me tell you it was the worst thing ever, not the movie, the movie is great, but it was probablly the worst time in my life to watch that movie. omd i was agitated and nervously bouncing around my room, i couldn't sit still, had i been a smoker i would have lit up 12 times during this movie, and seing john smoke during the whole movie didn't help either. Ahhhh i want to...who knows, i need a time out away from everything and die for a week, then come back to all my problems agian. I'm oing to muncie this weekend most likely, if i make it there alive, hopefully i won't be too sleep deprived at the time, i don't want to let brooike down though, so i have to show, and stay awake the whole time we're together, and lord knows when we call it a night on saturday i'll just cry myself to sleep, or be too aggitated agian to sleep. grrr, i..i....oh lord, i'm going now, i don't even know what to say......goodnight, back to target i go, i want to stop thinking, i want to be stupid so i can be happy, you can't always get what you want, immediate disqualification for involvement in the bih chill, i'll end up listening to too tight or bitch or something of the sorts wherein i can yell, goodbye agian....

A New Friend....

So a random person who reads my blog **though doesn't comment** suggested i get one of these blob thingies for my blog. I figured, blob..blog, sure why not. So now my weather bitch has a new friend. It's the disco type, looks like he's sick or something, but who knows, look at him jump...yay. Ok that is all, i'll go back to my usual postings now...

Timing...

Wow, the past 2 nights at work i've been rambling to myself, random ideas are just swirling through my head. I've got ideas for songs, movies, crazy crazy things, but this other idea just seems wierd that i'd suggest it.I was visiting people's blogs, catching up from the work-a-thon i've been doing, and i noticed today that Zach wrote today, I want to start a rebellion., Now this is some strange coincidence because my idea was, i want to start a revolution. HA i suppose we could get together and have mass histeria through the streets, well at least in NW Indiana. Right now i haven't decided what type of revolution i want, whether it be a revolution of the mind or whathave you, i just wanted something. I hope we go to war, that'd be pretty fucked up, but righjt now i say sure, go to war, kill people, why not. So war, revolution, and for zach, a rebellion. FBI will be watching us now, but it's easier than you think, i mean just look at what a house painter and a couple brown shirts did. on that note goodnight.....

Don't Spin in Circles, the Outcome is Never for the Better

Ok, the title, as you can always tell, is the way I'm feeling about my life. In general, spinning in circles, loosing control of your life, only has bad results. I don' know what's going on, expecially anymore. Once agian my sleep patterns have gone all out of whack, i slept through my 8 to 4 at ALCO today, yet fell asleep at 11 last night so go figure. it wasn't even a comfortable sleep, all the lights were on, noises of my computer were humming, and i was fully cloathed with no covers on me. I should have at least woke up at 4 like normal, just dazed and confused as to what was going on. My last thoughts were trying to set my alarm for the morning, well we see how far that got. During my rest my dreams were really fucked up, basically likea preview of what is happenning today, and maybe days to come. I remember holding conversations with people while i laid in bed, but i know thses people did not come visit me, but it felt so real and normal, so i had to be dreaming that up. Also my personality has been changing, and not for te better. \i am once agian that irritable, looses temper way to easily type of person i was not too long ago. I thought i was growing out of tha, or maybe it would eventually go away, or maybe i was more content because i had a girlfriend, who knows. but it's back like a plague. | have been finding myself just loosing it over random things, i get so fucking pissed off, then just go off in a furry of violent actions. That's totally not cool, but i can't help myself. I get so mad i'm about to bust out in tears from holding back, and when it's about to let go, i lash out in violence. Why do people have to be such fuckers? I don't like what i'm turning into, andi know everyone else isn't going to either. Last night i wanted to turn down going out for the evening, but i was coerced into going; and as i arrived at the meeting place of ALCO i had the shittiest look on my face. Everyone kept asking me if i was severly pissed off or something, they knew someting was wrong, as did i, but what was the question. god, it'd terrible having this feeling, and there's nothing i can do, and pope can only aggitate me further. i think the only person who might know what i'm like when i'm like this would be Vince, god only knows how he bared me then, i guess it's like elizabeth with him now, who knows. I am rambling terribley, but you can see i'm really starting to loose it, i think i ned to have a path, a destination in order to keep my sanity, i'm typnig so fast right now i don't even know what my thoughts are anymore. on the bright side Barcus gave me a pack of blue camels, hell yes. ok that is all for now, thanks all for you time...

Take this advice EVEYONE!!!

If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know Comment me
If you're reading this and you know and you really want to show it
If you're reading this and you know Comment me

If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it just read this
If you're sad and you know it and you want to feel better knowing someone else is worse
If you're sad and you know just read this

If you love me and you know it take me back
If you love me and you know give me another chance
I know this is desperate and i'm not supposed to talk about it
so i'm gonna shut up now because this sounds bad


sorry for the tangant at the end......

Sundays Suck!

Yeah, as you can see from the title, **don't you love howe the title tells ya everything** sundays suck. I used to be partial to them, liking and disliking at times, but today's experiences, well they just sealed the deal for me. Well, i got dressed up today, don't ask me why, just something simple though, shirt and tie, no suit or anything. I worked today, set up the rest of the center aisle, whoopdee. I think i lost some respect for my "best cashiers", i guess everyone is inheriently lazy. yeah, well looks like we got the code system down, "Store associates, code 6" haah, that means smoke break. Hell, even i have a code, i guess i am loved.**rolls eyes** anyways...
"Hi, I'm a dumbass, I'm Mike L."
So mike l visited in alco and bought some detergent or something, but quickly came back for his driver side rear tire was flat. after laughing at him we gathered up two extension cords and the air machine and headed towards his on-the-rim-flat. We filled it up, but you could see it was going to loose air quickly and i told hinm to get home as fast as he could. Well after pumping it up with air, he flies on out from his spot backwards, and i noticed that in the process he ripped out the extension cord from the machine and other extension cord. I waved to make him stop but he just waved back and flew past me. I tried chasing after his car but he spedily got onto route 2 with the cord chasing after him as well. he called alco when he got home and said the cord was in bad shape, what a dumbass...
Hi, we're losers, we're Twan and Jason"
Twan met up with me as i left alco, and we decided it was coffee time. But you see, the only problem with that is it was just us. We franticly tried calling people, but sadly we know noone, people were washing their hair, or had caller ID and didn't want to speak to us. Yeah it's sad when you have 2 numbers in your phone book, your cell and your home. So to no avail, we went to RtC by ourselves. We gopt a table for 4, saying that we think 2 more may be joining us, haha, we suck. I got tired at one point and randomly called numbers of people i haven't spoken to in awhile to see what would happen, free nights and weekends yo. I even called random numbers to see if someone was there, that turned out to be a bust as well. Though one person did call me back saying someone from my number called him, hahaha, sounds like a prank...
"Nobody likes me, I'm Twan"
Twan was having a bad night as well, i guess by the time we got our food, there were 3 different instances sunday up to that point wherein peopple thought he was mean. Even the people we called to join us, and bring thier friends wouldn't go or join because twan was mean. Poor twan, everyone's picking on him, and the only "freind" he had was me, damn i pity him. I think he was just having an off night, he also wanted to get some alcohol, but soon found out it was sucky sunday, and you can't by alcohol in indiana on a sunday, haahha. So after looking like fools we headed back south......
"Hi,I'm not pete"
At the amoco/bp in cedar lake we decided to turn left there, why not. After only moments in cedar lake I realized just how much i hate the damn place. Stupid turns and crap for a business selection, and i thought lowell was bad, we at least have a straight road. The lake was on my right hand side, throwing me off a bit as well...after driving around the lake and such i noticed that the car behind me has been following me for some time, and now they were pretty damned close. now i wasn't sure of the speed limit, but you all know how i drive, so there was no need for him to be that close. As i approached the stop sign the man in the white suv pulled along side of me. He rolled down his window and i did the same, he yells over to me, "oh, you're not pete, sorry, i thogut you weer one of my friends" as i muttered a confident hello over his words. He appologized and turned left, so i went right.
Dewes has a twin in Merrillville
So we made it back to lowell, and drove around, it was terrible. Twan finally decided for us to stop at Family Video to see in the sopranos dvd's were in. As we got out of my car, i asked him, is that dewes in there? Well much to our suprise, it was not, but a very close comparison we thought. What gave it away that it wasn't Dave was the fact the "dave" was wearing as purple **faggy** merrillville varsity jacket. I mean the hair flip was down perfect and everything, plus he was with two girls, i mean come on, it was dewes' twin, i swear to god. i would have gotten a picture of him, but i left my phone out in my car, damn. I at least got his last name, Weineke, hahaa. well enough of that time to get back on the road...
Fuckin' Blue Dice
We didn't get very far, actually the stoplight right at family video on Joe Martin, when a car pulls along side of us. I yelled out HAT! as i powered down twan's window and a smiling jackie wojcik, mary earpelding, and some guy in the backseat greated us. They took note of my lights and immediatly asked if i had sex in my car. Confused, i replied with an honest chuckle, no. They told us that having dice in your car means you have sex in there as well, news to twan and i. Basically, nobody will ever, for as long as i own that, have had, or will have sex in that car. of course i can boastfully say that, all passions of that type are being locked away, what good are they to me now, i guess masturbation is the only way to go, nobody's feelings gets hurt there. Though they are locked away tightly, people are trying to pry that damn door open, i'd just hate for me to one day loose it and go "Heather style", that would just kill me, along with all the STD's, haahahha, shall we continue... We stayed and chatted as the light turned green, then finally we went our seperate ways when another motorist wanted to get throguh the intersection.
Memories a bitch, .........please no spin-offs of that
Well we drove around some more then finally called it a night. I know there was more to blog about, but damned if i can't remember it. I guess this is pretty long for one day's worth of entries. Back to the grindstone tomorrow, i don't have to work at target til thursday,, still angered about that, but hey what can you do. When i find something that makes me happy i'll let you know, otherwise the quest is still on

Ssdt5$^4egI&*(m naw...Yeah You Fucking Heard ME!!!

Yeah, well as you can tell from the title, I'm in a world of...my own, maybe that's the best way to put it. Just got home from Target, got out early i suppose you can say. roads are terrible, some guy got me stuck on the hill over by my house, pissed me off, fucker stop at the stop sign on a hill. Anyways, apparently i blog too much detail, or that's the impression i get. I don't know, i try to get out all the relevant points, and though they might seem pointless i assure you they lead up to something. the only problem i have with typuing that much shit is the over use of the same words. i tend to use the words like, "well" "so" "and then", others might use "proceded", i don't know if it's me, but if i type/read the same words over and over in an essay/blog, whathave you, i get pissed and statr skimming, if the writer can't think of better words to use than the ones he's already said 12 times, then i don't have to take in the shit. I realized tonight at work my thoughts aren' even close to being anything even logical. Short fragmented ideas, scattered about randomly with no finalization and are even to quick to be considered whimsical. At work i like to think to myself, gather information and ideas, and i am usually good about coming to conclusions, even stupid ones at that, but at least the are solid ideas. It's like i'm loosing parts of my mind, no conotation or belief is healthy, scatter-brained isn't even the term for it. I don't even know i'm doing it unless i concentrate hard and try to think logically about what i just said/thoguht. we played over-the-phone -Tic-Tac-Toe the other night agian. it was so shocking, but she broguht it up, it was emotional. We were ending our conversation, wherein she had called me, and as we are saying our goodbyes, she just asks, do you want to play tic tac toe agian? it reminded me of something people do, "for old times sake" "like we used to do" something that had meaning back when, so to rekindle the good memoriess, let's do it agian. We played 3 games, and i let her win, yes, jason angus, Mr. Sore-loser let someone win. as we finished up with her victory lap and glaoting, she asked me if i was just humoring her because it sounded like so in my voice, i replied no, it just was a moment, and i was in shock. I don't work at target agian til thursday, how much does that suck? Today i get to orientate/orient...partake in giving orientation to my other hire, fun fun. I wasn't able to get bagels today/this morning becuase panera bread doesn't open til 6 or soemthing of the sorts. Yesterday was VD! I spent most of the day sleeping, then watching movies. Oh I did my laundry as well, go me. I put up an away message i thoghut was one of my bests, went somethign along the lines of, "....and my phone is turned off to avoid those unwanted calls, and calls from those who don't want you....." Yeah i never actually listened to the lyrics of Buddy Holly's "that'll be the die that i die", but it's sad and depressing, but is has that damn upbeat 50's pop thing going so who can tell the difference. I tell you one thing i am really starting to like the bluesy electronic guitar sounds, i want an electric guitar to make cool noises. I'm liking more zeppelin and bob dylan's "brand new lepord skin pillbox hat" any suggestions of some other good sounds? It's my shoes that stink, and i don't know what's wrong with them. i've never had a pair of shoes in my life which made my feet stink so badly before, but these damned new shoes i tell ya, grrr. I need to get to the mall sometime soon so i can get new pants and clearanced deals yo, but i know i'll be too damned tired to do it after work today. I got my dvd's in yesterday, thoguh i have seen the movies, i am just happy to hold them as my very own, not many things i can still do that with. and my discover card has been giving me troubles, the damn thing wasn't accepted for gas last night at the BP, so i had to use my BP card instead. I mean it's not a big deal if my card gets rejected, i got like 12 others i can use on the spot, but what the shit, it's the only one i use, and i don't carry a balence on it. I wonder if UofM is looking for me...."I dig you baby, but I gotta keep movin on." fucking woman. I like fishing, but i had the catch of my life, i was ready to call it quits, but no, the fish that got away. so out of spite the fisherman just sits at home, baitless, tellnig stories of the one that got away. It makes me want to yell HAT!!!!!!!!!

BIGGS, Mother Fucking BIGGS

ok, i'll make this short and sweet for you seeings that everyone else has. We all headed out of lowell around 545 and made our stop in Lafeyette. roads fucking sucked dick, but we still had that karma whoreness in us and stopped for several cars, and even turned down by some bitch. We went to this Biggs located in the mall of all places, and boy did it take up part of the mall. It's big alright, but i'd say poorly laid out and comparable to meijer, at least this one was, probably due to the fact it was in the mall. Funny thing is though, there's a meijer right across the street. I will give it to bigg's though, their prices were cheap, got some shit you can barely find in any store, hell yes s'mores and booberry. The cashier lady didn't beleive us when we said we took a day trip just for biggs. the mall also had a guitar store, oh it was like heaven, or something of the like, as we entered our ears were greeted with the voice of lenord cohen, and you just knew it was the right place to be. I saw some pretty guitars and came oh so close to buying this one for $260 but my crowd was at first pushing my away from it, then to a cheaper, bigger, crappier blue guitar. So we left empty handed and i wept, then slept while they continued teir journey to the center of cincinatti. They woke me and we headed out of the car garage complex onto the streets wherein our first task was to find a nice place to eat. Our one rule is we cannot eat at a place that they have around back home, ie mcdonald's, subway,...our findings came slim, the dinners we did find were all closed between the hours of 2 and 5 for some unknown reason, but we did settle our sights and our stomaches for "long horn" food was good, and i got a salt shaker out of it. the group demanded the truth out of me, and when i gave them it, they still weren't satisfied so they intened to attempt it later while i was sleeping. we continued our walk abouts and i directed us towards the camera store. it was a splendid thing to walk into, so many cameras and accessories for cameras, ahhhhhhhhh, ok i'm good, once agian i left empty handed, they wouldn't let me buy the $1100 nikon i wanted. So we proceded along, didn't stop at the suit shop like i wanted, but instead went to the HAT shop, yes HAT shop. Inside i knew the others imediatly felt out of place, and i put my attention onto a pretty little cream colored furry hat. I asked the lady if i could see it, she asked my size, now i start looknig stupid and say i think it was a 7 last time i checked. so she gives me the hat, i think it went well for me, and then asked the price. as she said it i could hear the jaws of the others drop and hit the ground. since i have hat shoped online i knew what i was getting into. The price you ask, $275, now knowing that the group wouldn't let me buy a guitar for 260, i knew for certain they weren't going to let me buy a HAT for 275, plus i didn't like the color of the feather on the side. that basically wrpaps everything up, the trip home was long, i didn't sleep well, kept waking up, and was stiff afterwords. well looks like this will be a yearly tradition now..

A beginning, not just of the Week, and maybe not of the End....

So I got home this morning from Target, spent sometime shooting the breeze, and headed off to bed. Oh, but before i did all that, upon entering my house i took a look at my car. Due to the fact it had snowed, and the streets weren't plowed yet, i noticed that snow had covered all around the edges of my tires. They looked like white walls!!! At that moment i ackowledge the long deep seated fact that i want a car with white walled tires. I mean it looked soo good on the black car like that, ohh if only, who knows what is in store for me....Now, back to what i was saying, it's become all to apparent that I am having the hardest time sleeping in my bed/room. I wake up every now and then, telemarketers calling me all the time, dogs barking, sunlight shining, just annoying shit. So i finally decide to get out of bed, kinda sweaty, just irritable and disorientated, and my hand hurts. upon further inspection i find i have a blood blister, out of nowhere. So i make it into work, a little late, but there, and everyone is in a good mood, all saying hello to me and such, doesn't irritate me as much as it normally would, i just shrug it off and go about my way. For me it's a little wierd, if i'm in a good mood when i enter the building, everyone could talk to me, ask me questions, whatever; however, if i am in an indifferent mood, a "hey" or nod would suffice, and especially would not like to hear somebody saying i was late, grr. but anyways the day just needs to grow on me that's all, my mood will improve as i gradually wake up, and it did for that matter. Started taking care of matters of business that didn't get tended to from the weekend. Made some calls for more interviews, why are we hiring everyone asks, ehh, i guess we just got tired of the old people....but it's those damn lazy morning crews that need to be replaced more than anything, now i'm not saying the night people are perfect, basically those that recover every night will get hours, those who don't will slip off the schdule, i'm announcing this now. Well not like anyone who works at alco readds this, just letting you guys know..anywho...so yeah, i got to do one of the interviews tonight, the other will be held on wednesday, the next day i work, although i think the postion is already filled. yeah, basically the girl i hired, whoops, interviewed tonight is getting the position. Yeah, so when asked on the phone how long will the interview take, i said 30 minutes, then however long it takes to do the math session, but the actual interview, based on responses, takes 30 minutes. Well this girl, jackie wojcik or something like that, she kinda knows me, i mean we talked online way back when, then stopped, and haven't spoken since, but this interview of ours took about 2 hours, including math test. I mean we got off track from the interview sorta at times and brought up interesting things like Mr. Bleha and Mike Arlen, but everything was relivant, or so it seemed then. And i kinda went through some orientation type things, which drug it out to 2 hours. She's a real pleaser, friendly as can be, and even dewes liked her quick wits. I didn't feel right hiring her on the spot, like i did with that other girl, kristin, onlt for the simple fact that i have that other interview on wednesday. you see, at the time, kristin was the only girl i could get ahold of, so it was basically decided during the interview process that she'd be a good canidate to hire, nothing to be "wowed" about, just something. So one more interview to go, then i'll be happy to hire jackie, and that melissa morefoot girl is thinking she has the job, well she never got in contact with me so she can just stay at her little "restuarant" job. That basically wrapped up the night at alco, and then it was off to home, but not before Tony dumped off his couch, haha...
Home, well that place I go to sleep at Nights...
So i got home and my lovely Brookie calls me, her illness has turned on her agian, and probably because of it, she hating schoolwork. I try to encourage her through it, have her read to me some on the lines, and she was doing very well, like a natural writer, then she became spent, writers block and needed a break. So that's when i told her to get some paper and a pen, she hesitantly acknowldged, and then i told her we were going to play Tic-Tac-Toe over the phone. It was so awesome, well i know i at least enjoyed it! We got along very well, no fighting, and th interaction was great. I don't know if i have actually fooled myself into believing we can be friends, or if my mind thought it was like we were still together. it was just very good. I don't know her perspective on it of course, and i don't want to ruin anything, but like i said, it was like we were still together, and if this is what just friends is going to be like, well, then, i don't know how i will take it. On the one hand i have the same interaction i love to have with her like we were together, on the other, we aren't together, mixed emotions and feelings can lead into awkward situations. But for now, I'm going to enjoy every second of it, on whatever level i feel like, get it while i can now, because if it is the end, then, we'll never have it agian. I guess all i can do is keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars....ughh, i actually said that quote, grrrr