what.
the.
hell.....
The past three days I've wanted to write, a variety of topics rolling off my head...heck, the night prior and even last night I tried to start something..pulled the lappy up to me as I curled up on the couch...that was about as far as it got. So now, in my final hours I am forcing it out of me. hungover from two straight nights of alcohol consumption I must break through this muggy mess in my head and put my final words together.
I'm not quite sure what to really say, and I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about, so I know I aimlessly meander throughout this post, you've been warned.
In addition to this post I have also undertook a mini-goodbye project of sorts. I can't leave without doing something, not necessarily big or crazy, just something. When I left Btown in '06 there was a huge going away party, and sure it was fun, it wasn't my note to go out on. Instead, just days later, on my actual departure date, before I headed onto the highway
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 04, 2011
Marry Mary and Be Merry
Some marry people...
some marry professions..
most can't make that type of commitment...
It seems so odd to me, but I've been pegged as two completely different things - having a fear of commitment, yet wanting to commit with someone/something. Though it's not off for me to say I ride both ends of the spectrum at any given time, there is no grey area with the Jangus, it's all or nothing, black or white...but yes, yes it can be both...it's just random to hear the differing opinions of my own self from others.
I remember back to CP in '07 when I was hanging out with this one co-worker of mine..we liked each other, and she talked to some of our other co-workers about me(because that's what girls do) and they all told her (all being like three lol) that don't get your hopes up, Jangus doesn't date...he has a fear of commitment...
Now, when I heard that I was shocked..not by the first part, it's true, I really do not "date date" girls, I will hang out and get to know them, anyone for that matter, dating, well, that's more intimate and I reserve that right for certain people. Granted, the term "date" is used very loosely and therefore I tend to say "I dated this girl" just because it is easier to say than "This one girl and I who really hit it off and started spending a lot of time together but never made anything official, sure there was some making out and heavy petting, it only lasted for a little bit and now we are acquaintances..", so yeah, dating works best.
But as for a fear of commitment, naaahhhh. I can commit, I can make promises..Heck, I just signed up for a FOUR YEAR ACTIVE (Four years reserves) CONTRACT with the Marines...the Marines have a billboard, "We don't take applications, we take commitments." Alright, yes there have been times I've not made commitments, but there are reasons, I do not need to make commitments to everything...
Like when I was in the middle of CP Season 1 and TJ was asking about me coming back to live in Btown with him...I said I could not make that commitment because I was uncertain where I was going to be in 4 months. I had plans of going to Orlando, Chicago, etc...I did not want to promise him something that I could not make a promise on.
----there's a tip for you, if I ever promise you something, that means I'll do it...no promise, no commitment..pinkie promise, oh yeah, the extreme of promises------------
And sometimes, most of the time, my life and schedule is so chaotic and not in sync that plans made for next week are too far out to even think about. HOWEVER, I do love having plans, I do love knowing what is going to happen, having something regimented is good (especially in my life) - though it is few and far between it seems..
Yes I've learned to live by the seat of my pants, yes I am very impulsive and spontaneous..I do not consider it bad by any means, it just allows me to quickly adjust when those plans that were planned out do not happen or something occurs.
So in short, yes, I can make commitments. Yes I can make promises. If I tell you I will or will not do something, that means I am going to follow through. My words are only as good as my actions, and I make it so that my actions can back up all future words.
Do I just want to settle down with someone, no...do I want to fall in love and be with that person, yes. Had I wanted to just "settle down and be committed" with someone, I would be in that place already....I've had the opportunity to be the stay at home dad, I've had this, I've had that...but it wasn't everything I truly wanted. In the past I have had a tendency to fall in love with the ladies rather quickly. To quote ESoftheSM, " Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I've vastly improved since those middle school days...
if there's one problem I'd say I have it's my non-conventional relationships that I get myself involved in..whether it be an age difference, physical distance, or she comes from the Capulet household, I always find myself in such awkward circumstances. And that problem really is that I'm a hopeless romantic who sees people for the people they are...age is just a number, I've never acted my age, I've never hung out with people my age, I've never liked/dated girls that were my age...It's been like this since the first grade! I've dated girls younger and I've dated girls older...I don't know/think they have anything in common that could tie this all together, but it would be nice if there was a magic connector.
I've done the Long Distance Relationships before, and I wanted to make this its own blog, so I'll do my best to keep it that way. Basically LDRs are essential if you are going to believe in the fairy tale aspect that is love. I can love from afar, I can commit.
As for coming from the "wrong family", well there's a variety of situations you can group in there..my family is, how should I say this delicately...old school...racist? Wow, it sounds so harsh to type that out about one owns family...but skin is just a color, and as superficial as I am, it's about the person
The whole point is it is about the person, no matter what categorical statistic you can label them as, they are flesh and blood and they are who they are. You can put all those stats down on paper and it will look like it doesn't add up, but put into practice it does. Just the opposite goes for communisim, in theory it works, in reality, not so much. I'm sorry that my relationships with people are not the "standard" not what is considered "normal", but by gosh, they work..and I've had some of the best relationships out of those situations..
it's like a spin-off of "opposites attract" - again, but those two on paper, you would never think they would work out, but put into practice and they do...that's life, that's human existence..that's why psychology is a pseudo-science..because the human mind is not the same across the board for everyone...
So before I get all high and mighty I'll say one last thing...don't fucking judge what you obviously do not understand....ok, breath
I do not have a fear of commitment, I am not looking to just settle down..I know what I want, and I will hold my commitments, to you, to her, to me, to everything.
"Commitment is the spirit of determination and dedication found in Marines. It leads to the highest order of discipline for individuals and units. It is the ingredient that enables 24-hour a day dedication to Corps and country. It inspires the unrelenting determination to achieve a standard of excellence in every endeavor."
some marry professions..
most can't make that type of commitment...
It seems so odd to me, but I've been pegged as two completely different things - having a fear of commitment, yet wanting to commit with someone/something. Though it's not off for me to say I ride both ends of the spectrum at any given time, there is no grey area with the Jangus, it's all or nothing, black or white...but yes, yes it can be both...it's just random to hear the differing opinions of my own self from others.
I remember back to CP in '07 when I was hanging out with this one co-worker of mine..we liked each other, and she talked to some of our other co-workers about me(because that's what girls do) and they all told her (all being like three lol) that don't get your hopes up, Jangus doesn't date...he has a fear of commitment...
Now, when I heard that I was shocked..not by the first part, it's true, I really do not "date date" girls, I will hang out and get to know them, anyone for that matter, dating, well, that's more intimate and I reserve that right for certain people. Granted, the term "date" is used very loosely and therefore I tend to say "I dated this girl" just because it is easier to say than "This one girl and I who really hit it off and started spending a lot of time together but never made anything official, sure there was some making out and heavy petting, it only lasted for a little bit and now we are acquaintances..", so yeah, dating works best.
But as for a fear of commitment, naaahhhh. I can commit, I can make promises..Heck, I just signed up for a FOUR YEAR ACTIVE (Four years reserves) CONTRACT with the Marines...the Marines have a billboard, "We don't take applications, we take commitments." Alright, yes there have been times I've not made commitments, but there are reasons, I do not need to make commitments to everything...
Like when I was in the middle of CP Season 1 and TJ was asking about me coming back to live in Btown with him...I said I could not make that commitment because I was uncertain where I was going to be in 4 months. I had plans of going to Orlando, Chicago, etc...I did not want to promise him something that I could not make a promise on.
----there's a tip for you, if I ever promise you something, that means I'll do it...no promise, no commitment..pinkie promise, oh yeah, the extreme of promises------------
And sometimes, most of the time, my life and schedule is so chaotic and not in sync that plans made for next week are too far out to even think about. HOWEVER, I do love having plans, I do love knowing what is going to happen, having something regimented is good (especially in my life) - though it is few and far between it seems..
Yes I've learned to live by the seat of my pants, yes I am very impulsive and spontaneous..I do not consider it bad by any means, it just allows me to quickly adjust when those plans that were planned out do not happen or something occurs.
So in short, yes, I can make commitments. Yes I can make promises. If I tell you I will or will not do something, that means I am going to follow through. My words are only as good as my actions, and I make it so that my actions can back up all future words.
Do I just want to settle down with someone, no...do I want to fall in love and be with that person, yes. Had I wanted to just "settle down and be committed" with someone, I would be in that place already....I've had the opportunity to be the stay at home dad, I've had this, I've had that...but it wasn't everything I truly wanted. In the past I have had a tendency to fall in love with the ladies rather quickly. To quote ESoftheSM, " Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" I've vastly improved since those middle school days...
if there's one problem I'd say I have it's my non-conventional relationships that I get myself involved in..whether it be an age difference, physical distance, or she comes from the Capulet household, I always find myself in such awkward circumstances. And that problem really is that I'm a hopeless romantic who sees people for the people they are...age is just a number, I've never acted my age, I've never hung out with people my age, I've never liked/dated girls that were my age...It's been like this since the first grade! I've dated girls younger and I've dated girls older...I don't know/think they have anything in common that could tie this all together, but it would be nice if there was a magic connector.
I've done the Long Distance Relationships before, and I wanted to make this its own blog, so I'll do my best to keep it that way. Basically LDRs are essential if you are going to believe in the fairy tale aspect that is love. I can love from afar, I can commit.
As for coming from the "wrong family", well there's a variety of situations you can group in there..my family is, how should I say this delicately...old school...racist? Wow, it sounds so harsh to type that out about one owns family...but skin is just a color, and as superficial as I am, it's about the person
The whole point is it is about the person, no matter what categorical statistic you can label them as, they are flesh and blood and they are who they are. You can put all those stats down on paper and it will look like it doesn't add up, but put into practice it does. Just the opposite goes for communisim, in theory it works, in reality, not so much. I'm sorry that my relationships with people are not the "standard" not what is considered "normal", but by gosh, they work..and I've had some of the best relationships out of those situations..
it's like a spin-off of "opposites attract" - again, but those two on paper, you would never think they would work out, but put into practice and they do...that's life, that's human existence..that's why psychology is a pseudo-science..because the human mind is not the same across the board for everyone...
So before I get all high and mighty I'll say one last thing...don't fucking judge what you obviously do not understand....ok, breath
I do not have a fear of commitment, I am not looking to just settle down..I know what I want, and I will hold my commitments, to you, to her, to me, to everything.
"Commitment is the spirit of determination and dedication found in Marines. It leads to the highest order of discipline for individuals and units. It is the ingredient that enables 24-hour a day dedication to Corps and country. It inspires the unrelenting determination to achieve a standard of excellence in every endeavor."
Thursday, February 03, 2011
It's The Final Countdown...
T minus..
Go, no-go for launch..
We have now approached single digits
I have 9 days left of “freedom” before I begin a new chapter in my life, a very new very different chapter in my life. The problem is, it hasn’t hit me yet – Granted, I’m typing it all out and making everyone aware of the time left, so therefore I too am aware…it hasn’t hit me. Yes I know there are nine days left for me to get all my shit together, to see my family one last time, to try and prepare for what is to come.
Am I ready? No, not yet. And the closer I get to my departure time, the more I encounter that I need to take care of, or the more that things start messing up..it’s a problem. I wish it would all come together oh so smoothly, but everything is a process…it will come together, it just needs to run its course I guess.
All this shit piling up all at once and at the last minute doesn’t stress me out, it just angers me. I don’t worry about it because worry would be a waste of my time, effort, and imagination…but I get angry at it because of how it all comes up. I know things will work their course, it’s not a big deal or sweat off of my balls, it will get taken care of…if you start to stress it will only do more harm, physically and mentally.
If you think I’ve been mean to you because I’m “stressing out”, it’s not because I’m stressing out, it’s because you deserve it…and just like how the world threw all that shit at me to break my back, you’re failed attempts at being a good person to me broke as well.
Here’s one of my BIGGEST concerns..I told people 160 days ago that I was leaving..yeah, 160 if not more. You’d be surprised by the staggering number of people who have made, or not made, arrangements with me. They like to push it off to the last minute, you know, when all my shit is hitting the fan and I’m trying to get the fuck out of Dodge..
These are the same people who “want to see me” so badly…yet, I must cater to their needs and find them?! They can’t make the time for me, to come and see me or hang out for lunch, yet, they can check into a bar every night on facebook with their other friends? That type of shit pisses me off. NO I will not come to you, NO I will not make the arrangements with you..I’M the one leaving, if you care, you would have seen me by now. To those arrogant sons of bitches I say GFY.
I hope to god they don’t have the balls to show up to my going away party that I put together, stress on the I because even my closest friends couldn’t organize their daily routines.
Other than that, just random bullshit...I've got so much to say, so little time to do so...but I need to keep writing..I can't not write while I'm at "camp" - Need to keep going strong with this...oh my god, I leave in nine days....Holy God. This is going to change my life in a zillion different ways. I must be nuts.
What stresses me out is my room being irregular.
"When it rains it pours, and since it's winter it's an ice-storm...Icepoclypse indeed.."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sleepless Nights
painful mornings..
..and a dark tomorrow
I hate feeling, this feeling.
And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.
When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.
Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..
These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..
Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the sabbath..like, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.
I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.
That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.
In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your life...so then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.
This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..
I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.
By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.
I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.
Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.
The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)
I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.
Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.
and she has been orphaned by indifference.
"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"
..and a dark tomorrow
I hate feeling, this feeling.
And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.
When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.
Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..
These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..
Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the sabbath..like, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.
I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.
That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.
In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your life...so then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.
This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..
I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.
By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.
I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.
Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.
The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)
I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.
Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.
and she has been orphaned by indifference.
"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
the note
untitled..
no title..
and lacking nobility.
I tried to write something "privately" as per the suggestion of a friend..So i pulled out my ol journal..I didn't write much because I didn't feel like writing, but instead I wrote this..
"i was writing this letter without thinking, possibly without wanting to, but the words bled from my pen and i had no way of stopping the rhythmic movement of my mind becoming something tangible of thoughts becoming whole...and it was you that inspired this sudden burst of creativity, you that made the pen move across the page quick and unafraid...but as soon as i started i lost my way - seeings how the page had no lines and i'm not very good at keeping my place - so i had to retract back to where you left me standing, and i knew that the days were ending, somewhat like this illegible mess called a letter which you will never see."
I posted this part of the letter because it's the only thing I feel, I could...the rest is just a mess
like me
***rips out pages from journal, crumples them up, tosses into trash bag*** exasperated sigh
no title..
and lacking nobility.
I tried to write something "privately" as per the suggestion of a friend..So i pulled out my ol journal..I didn't write much because I didn't feel like writing, but instead I wrote this..
"i was writing this letter without thinking, possibly without wanting to, but the words bled from my pen and i had no way of stopping the rhythmic movement of my mind becoming something tangible of thoughts becoming whole...and it was you that inspired this sudden burst of creativity, you that made the pen move across the page quick and unafraid...but as soon as i started i lost my way - seeings how the page had no lines and i'm not very good at keeping my place - so i had to retract back to where you left me standing, and i knew that the days were ending, somewhat like this illegible mess called a letter which you will never see."
I posted this part of the letter because it's the only thing I feel, I could...the rest is just a mess
like me
***rips out pages from journal, crumples them up, tosses into trash bag*** exasperated sigh
I Fucked Up
being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble
sometimes I wish I could just be normal
I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.
I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.
Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.
I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....
because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid
I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.
I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.
I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.
There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.
That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.
I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.
I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.
"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."
...can get you in a lot of trouble
sometimes I wish I could just be normal
I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.
I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.
Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.
I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....
because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it appears...now I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but me..my life is just stupid
I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through me..so they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.
I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.
I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.
There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.
That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this time..it's all I can do.
I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it too....now I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.
I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.
"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."
Monday, January 24, 2011
What's the Fuck
how..
and why
it all started going wrong...
First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.
Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.
But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.
While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.
Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.
Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.
I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.
but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.
They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.
I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.
And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)
I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.
All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.
Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.
"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"
and why
it all started going wrong...
First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.
Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.
But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the temperature..as for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.
While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully slow..like we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month ago...best part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.
Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.
Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year?..best part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.
I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.
but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after that...you know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.
They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.
I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.
And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just that..it's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really warranted..it happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)
I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've had..you can't force yourself onto people and expect them to change...you can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you nowhere...you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.
All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay awake...so it's not really an ending at all.
Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.
"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I Didn't Mean for This
but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay
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I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.
When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.
I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.
"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.
So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...
I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.
I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.
And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.
I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.
Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".
So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.
John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.
People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.
It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.
----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------
The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.
So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...
say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.
be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.
"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"
..and this is the price I have to pay
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I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.
When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns resurface...it's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.
I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.
"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.
So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...
I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.
I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell phones...so when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't panic..it is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.
And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.
I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.
Girls who are friends with guys, whatever...it happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh uh..no can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".
So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.
John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.
People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's life...is there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.
It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.
----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------
The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with it..it's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.
So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...
say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.
be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.
"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Loose Lips Sink Ships
why being tight..
..is the new black
loose adj \ˈlüs\ a : lacking in precision, exactness, or care
From women to change, being loose is never a good thing.
Loose women spread diseases..
loose mouths break hearts..
..is the new black
loose adj \ˈlüs\ a : lacking in precision, exactness, or care
From women to change, being loose is never a good thing.
Loose women spread diseases..
loose mouths break hearts..
Monday, January 17, 2011
I've Made a Huge Mistake
it's never too late..
..except in this case..
then it's called a regret.
I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.
I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.
This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.
Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.
What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.
And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.
Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.
I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.
At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.
Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.
My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.
I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.
This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.
But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.
So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.
Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.
I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.
All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.
I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.
I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.
"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"
..except in this case..
then it's called a regret.
I'm leaving Cali, once again, and returning to Indy - I cannot say "home" because "home" would infer that Indy and I were on some sort of good terms and loved one another..nothing further could be from the truth.
I don't understand why I never made my move out here in 2010, June, like it was all planned for...but then again, I kinda do. My first trip out to the state of Cali, El Eh in fact, was in July of 2009..there's no difference in leaving one hot place and going to another...I left Indy during the warm summer months for a place that was just equally as warm, big whoop...it was like driving to the other part of the city, with palm trees and legal U-turns.
This time it was completely different. I left Indy's harsh January weather for an 80 degree sunny welcoming of the Greater Orange County area. It's a different world out there because of this. I rented a convertible - they tried to give me a Yaris, so as I am standing there, looking at my little compact humility, I turned around...in the spot across from me was a 2011 white convertible Mustang, you know, the same Mustang I looked at prior to getting my VR4...I walked back to the keyosk and asked to be switched, it's my vacation after-all. I was told there was an unexpected warm front that made the convertible a possibility this weekend, I would have never known. I was also told during my trip that the air was oddly clear for the duration of my stay...apparently LA wants me.
Warm weather. From the moment I hopped into my Mustang I took the top down and got on the freeway - it reminded me of the time in Jan of 2008 TJ and I went to Florida for a week. He rented a mustang convertible as well - granted the weather was something short of 60 when we were down there, again, it was a lot warmer than the winter snowstorm we had just left in Ohio.
What aroused my self-being was the fact it was so comfortably warm, yes it's a dry heat , nothing like the humid 80 we have in the midwest, but coupled with the fact that while I was driving north on the freeway I was driving towards a mountain range. Far in the distant I could see the snow-capped mountains and I was overcome with this unspeakable feeling. It was 80, yet I could see snow still. This was just about as exciting for me as it is for my dick to see a hot chick in a white skirt. It was this..not humbling..but rather comforting feeling...like as if Cali was saying, you'll never forget home after you call this home.
And in a weird way, it makes sense. I always used to say I could never (did you see I said never) live in a place like LA that had no distinct seasons...that I would want the leaves to change color in the fall, that I'd want snow on Xmas, all that shit...and really, that's been the only prohibiter from me really wanting to leave any of the times...not wanting to change, to lose a piece of myself, not being able to adjust. As I grew older instead of becoming more acclimated to the constant weather changes, I grew more and more hatred towards it.
Life is too short to dance with fat chicks and deal with the cold.
I realize this now, in my opinion all too late. I wished I would have just taken the one way trip and never looked back...but something happened a year ago that made that not an option, something that will change the course of my life from here on out. I happened to to care of a gentlemen who eventually became my recruiter. With only one year left of eligibility to join a group I had secretly wanted to become apart of since I was a child I jumped on that last minute opportunity.
At the time it made perfect sense to me...for the past several years I've openly scoffed at the idea of ever joining the military, yet deep down inside tossed around the possibilities. About three years ago I actually took the initiative to talk to a recruiter. She told me I was old, even for back then, she shut down my ideas, I didn't like her, I stopped thinking about it. It didn't help that NOBODY I talked to about it had any bit of encouragement. Everybody kept telling me there was another way to make my dreams come true, to do this or do that, that the military was a stupid option, I wasn't military, that all these thoughts need to go away. I accepted their concerns as being real and moved on.
Then, I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact I was waiting on a recruiter, maybe it was me wanting out of Indy at any price possible, but I went back to talk to another recruiter. Again I had another life plan, it was accepted this time. I joined without telling anyone. It wasn't til after I signed my paperwork that I made the call to my parents.
My grandfather was the only one who was proud of me, everyone else was shocked and upset...from parents to friends - heck there's still a group of people getting signatures on a petition to make me stay. For once in my life I felt like I made a decision on something that I wanted, I WANTED. Looking back on the history of my life I've always followed in someone else's footsteps or lived the life they wanted me to live for them..people lived vicariously through me, people envied me...I envied them.
I moved to Btown because a group of friends invited me to, I worked at OG because a friend told me to, I worked up at CP because a friend said it would be good because he worked there and found himself, from there I moved to Hawai'i and worked on a cruise-ship based on one of my managers requests. After a second season at CP I moved to Indy because of a girl. Even my ill-fated attempts to move to Orlando were because of outside influences.
This time, this was me making a decision with no influences other than my own...my first real attempt at figuring out who I am and what I should do...and apparently that causes people to get all up in arms about it.
But now, I'm questioning my own decision in this...remember those life plans I had that were accepted...after more research and talks with recruiters, yeah, it's not possible. So I tried to change jobs, something I found interesting..I took the tests, I passed with flying colors, it was available, I thought I had walked through the door that opened when the other was closed...but I was wrong. The MOS didn't go through, I was stuck with my old job choice..the one I want nothing to do with because it will only remind me of a path that will dead-end, a life dream that will never happen, and possibly because I in't take that leap of faith three years ago..you remember, when I listened to everyone else except myself.
So as of right now, for the next four years I am supposed to do a job I want nothing to do with..and bitching about it is NOT what a Marine does. You are not supposed to care about what job you get so much as you are supposed to want to become a Marine - yeah I get that, but I know me, maybe not best but I still know me a great deal...and if I have to do this job for any given length of time, I'm going to hate it, hate my stint with the Marines, want to get out as soon as possible, making it only four years, and it'll probably still leave me wondering what the fuck to do with my life...let alone hate me for taking a chance on what I want to do, which will put me right back to where I was before, being directed on what to do next.
Sure a lateral move to that specific MOS is possible down the road, but if anyone knows me it's an all or nothing way of life..I don't want to fucking hop over and start over again on a MOS I wanted to begin with, I don't want to move backwards in this regard..It gets me so worked up thinking about it I'm actually getting flustered on the plane right now.
I'd much rather just gets sent to the job I picked, I wanted, and go from there...just to see what it's all about...you know..maybe I won't enjoy my time with the Marines, but I'd rather it be on my terms, something I picked, something I wanted to try out instead of going into it with a predisposed failure attitude.
All this makes me want to not go altogether. Not because I'm afraid of the hardships of boot, being away from...wherever..but because it's not going to be what I want..and there should be one phrase that comes to mind when you think of me, and it's, "I do what I want" - said in that really weird way i say it.
I don't know what I'd do out in LA, I don't have a specific dream I can really afford to follow, and I'm so over serving people it's retarded. I'm a man who's only getting older, with no degree except for in real life situations, who was never given and has yet to find a life compass.
I always go with my gut, but it appears he's out to lunch.
"I don't make regrets, I make decisions, regret is never an option"
Thursday, January 06, 2011
It's Late
Never is too late..
unless that's what you want
so then there can't be this saying
I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.
I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack
*breathe*
people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.
I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.
I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.
Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.
but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.
i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate anything..in it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.
sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to commit..to open up..to love..to love too soon...
you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.
sure it's a two way street, but fuck.you. this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.
sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do
all this has gotten me nowhere..
"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"
unless that's what you want
so then there can't be this saying
I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.
I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack
*breathe*
people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.
I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.
I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.
Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.
but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.
i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate anything..in it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.
sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to commit..to open up..to love..to love too soon...
you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.
sure it's a two way street, but fuck.you. this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.
sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do
all this has gotten me nowhere..
"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
2011
New Year..
knew nothing
same ol same ol
My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..
When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?
This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.
So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.
take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.
"..but this year goes to eleven.."
knew nothing
same ol same ol
My first post of the New Year..I didn't do my yearly wrap-up like I enjoy doing..heck, I didn't even accomplish my goal - which was to make more posts than my lowest post year ever (2007 with 42 posts...I fell short, 34). So now I feel bad, I'm upset, I failed, and really...I don't know why..
When I think about everything that went on in 2010, and as much of a kick as I got going on later in the year, out of the 365 days, I only published 34 posts?
This year does not look promising either. I have, what, 39 days before I have the next who knows how long off and away from a computer. Well heck, even if I post everyday until then I'll still beat last year, as sad as that is.
So in short, stay tuned..enjoy the posts..enjoy my updates...but don't get too attached because it'll be all gone, once again.
take me as i come cuz i can't stay long.
"..but this year goes to eleven.."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Back to my Roots
something different..
..yet the same
the revolution of a circle.
as the caffeine courses through my body, this unnatural feeling feels somewhat like home. sitting in a familiar setting, cup of joe to my left, silver lappy in front, empty tray to my right. I feel like it's mid-2000's right now.
Ugh, it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, coffee is not what i should be drinking...i don't even like coffee..but here i am, five years later, starting up what i stopped a long time ago. what made this come up about?
well, a book...a book that was out of place actually, and a very long, intense week. I was skyping with a friend and a discussion came up about handwriting..of course I mentioned how mine is absolutly craptastic. My friend wanting to see something I wrote i struggled to find something nearby with my writing..it made me think about how little i actually do write..i don't write orders at work, i don't write down quotes or notes any more, those go in the phone...i just don't write anything ever..
in mid-though i say a stack of books and papers, ahhh, one of my journals of course! So i grabbed the one I saw first, opened up to a random entry in the middle and showed my friend over the webcam just what horrible handwriting is.
not much of a story, but i guess after i was finished with the viewing i just put the book down next to my "computer chair" (a lazy boy in the corner of my bedroom), i mention this because the book continued to sit there for the next couple of days. this is very unlike me, i like being neat and orderly, i like having everything in its place "mis en place" or whatever that frenchy phrasing is.
you could blame it on, who knows, i'll go with the overloaded week i've had with lack of sleep messing with my simple thoughts to such a degree i felt no obligation to put the book back. So last night the book caught my eye, differently than it has the past nights, and i was drawn to it. i figured there must be a reason this book is still out, let's investigate.
so i dive in, mainly reading highlighted sections that i've marked in previous re-readings and then it hit me...the missing link for a project i am working on was right in front of me the entire time..so i continued to read more passages, taking note of the amount of coffee intake on such regular basis i was partaking in while writing and it got my gears turning.
when did i shut out coffee...when did i shut out writing..when did i shut out certain things, people, etc. the pages screamed out to me. I was elated with what i had found, yet it left a hollow feeling inside of me too. this time as i read i reflected about a time and place i enjoyed, however the character was different...it wasn't me, it was jangus..it left me asking, who is this jangus, moreso, who am i. I read about the jangus' mishaps, the girls, the adventures, the struggle..and as fully aware of it as i am now, i became uncertain of it all too.
..yet the same
the revolution of a circle.
as the caffeine courses through my body, this unnatural feeling feels somewhat like home. sitting in a familiar setting, cup of joe to my left, silver lappy in front, empty tray to my right. I feel like it's mid-2000's right now.
Ugh, it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, coffee is not what i should be drinking...i don't even like coffee..but here i am, five years later, starting up what i stopped a long time ago. what made this come up about?
well, a book...a book that was out of place actually, and a very long, intense week. I was skyping with a friend and a discussion came up about handwriting..of course I mentioned how mine is absolutly craptastic. My friend wanting to see something I wrote i struggled to find something nearby with my writing..it made me think about how little i actually do write..i don't write orders at work, i don't write down quotes or notes any more, those go in the phone...i just don't write anything ever..
in mid-though i say a stack of books and papers, ahhh, one of my journals of course! So i grabbed the one I saw first, opened up to a random entry in the middle and showed my friend over the webcam just what horrible handwriting is.
not much of a story, but i guess after i was finished with the viewing i just put the book down next to my "computer chair" (a lazy boy in the corner of my bedroom), i mention this because the book continued to sit there for the next couple of days. this is very unlike me, i like being neat and orderly, i like having everything in its place "mis en place" or whatever that frenchy phrasing is.
you could blame it on, who knows, i'll go with the overloaded week i've had with lack of sleep messing with my simple thoughts to such a degree i felt no obligation to put the book back. So last night the book caught my eye, differently than it has the past nights, and i was drawn to it. i figured there must be a reason this book is still out, let's investigate.
so i dive in, mainly reading highlighted sections that i've marked in previous re-readings and then it hit me...the missing link for a project i am working on was right in front of me the entire time..so i continued to read more passages, taking note of the amount of coffee intake on such regular basis i was partaking in while writing and it got my gears turning.
when did i shut out coffee...when did i shut out writing..when did i shut out certain things, people, etc. the pages screamed out to me. I was elated with what i had found, yet it left a hollow feeling inside of me too. this time as i read i reflected about a time and place i enjoyed, however the character was different...it wasn't me, it was jangus..it left me asking, who is this jangus, moreso, who am i. I read about the jangus' mishaps, the girls, the adventures, the struggle..and as fully aware of it as i am now, i became uncertain of it all too.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Pro-Noun
NOT more important
NOT any better
it should be fair across the board dammit!
So, in light of one of my more recent postings I became under fire for my arguing with a professor, mainly calling me out as being "lazy because i don't capitalize my i's" This is true, I, for the most part, will not capitalize my i's...it's not because i'm lazy, it's just that i've never done it.
When I gets capitalized on my assignments it's because Word automatically corrected it for me, thanks Word. But when i type on here, there is no auto-correct, so 90% of the time the i sits there all lower-cased and shit. The times i do capitalize my I is because it's almost been instilled into me, and depending on the time of day, if i just did homework, wrote an email, etc, then the capitalization bug is still with me.
but let's take a logical look at it for just a moment, shall we? Or maybe I should say, shall We? Oh wait, no, that's incorrect...another other pronoun, be it: we, us, they, them, it, he, she,you does not get any capitalization..what the fuck is up with that?! "I'm sorry but we do not get any capitalization, but if you stand right over there I will..."
What kind of pretentious mother fucker made that rule?! Some self-absorbed asshat was like, damn I'm so awesome that when I talk about myself in the first person using a pronoun THAT too should be capitalized...next thing you know, that person started talking in the third person just to prove more of a point of their doucebaggery...
you know, walt whitman said funk all that and didn't even care to capitalize the letters in his own name.....though i cannot find reason as to why he didn't..no time to investigate..continuing on..
anyways, i'm not a fan of capitalizing the i...it's not lazy, it takes my hands off from the very important keys..shift...fuck shift...it's allll the way over there in the corner...oh shit..there's two of the fuckers, that's how unimportant they are! they want you to use them so badly they'll put the stupid keys all over the damn place...give me another function key, two delete keys, something i'll actually use....my fingers have no time to press two keys at one when the outcome is only a larger letter..that's what CAPS is for...
CAPS IS FOR ANGRY!
"you know, when i is capitalized it just looks like a fucking lower case l..."
NOT any better
it should be fair across the board dammit!
So, in light of one of my more recent postings I became under fire for my arguing with a professor, mainly calling me out as being "lazy because i don't capitalize my i's" This is true, I, for the most part, will not capitalize my i's...it's not because i'm lazy, it's just that i've never done it.
When I gets capitalized on my assignments it's because Word automatically corrected it for me, thanks Word. But when i type on here, there is no auto-correct, so 90% of the time the i sits there all lower-cased and shit. The times i do capitalize my I is because it's almost been instilled into me, and depending on the time of day, if i just did homework, wrote an email, etc, then the capitalization bug is still with me.
but let's take a logical look at it for just a moment, shall we? Or maybe I should say, shall We? Oh wait, no, that's incorrect...another other pronoun, be it: we, us, they, them, it, he, she,you does not get any capitalization..what the fuck is up with that?! "I'm sorry but we do not get any capitalization, but if you stand right over there I will..."
What kind of pretentious mother fucker made that rule?! Some self-absorbed asshat was like, damn I'm so awesome that when I talk about myself in the first person using a pronoun THAT too should be capitalized...next thing you know, that person started talking in the third person just to prove more of a point of their doucebaggery...
you know, walt whitman said funk all that and didn't even care to capitalize the letters in his own name.....though i cannot find reason as to why he didn't..no time to investigate..continuing on..
anyways, i'm not a fan of capitalizing the i...it's not lazy, it takes my hands off from the very important keys..shift...fuck shift...it's allll the way over there in the corner...oh shit..there's two of the fuckers, that's how unimportant they are! they want you to use them so badly they'll put the stupid keys all over the damn place...give me another function key, two delete keys, something i'll actually use....my fingers have no time to press two keys at one when the outcome is only a larger letter..that's what CAPS is for...
CAPS IS FOR ANGRY!
"you know, when i is capitalized it just looks like a fucking lower case l..."
Don't Say That..
no no no...
this is NOT contradictory..
this is a public service announcement and you should heed warning....
Right off the bat I'm gonna sound like a prick, i'm gonna sounds contradictory, i'm gonna become my enemy upon typing these keys..So instead I'll sit in the matinee and tell you about all the boys i hate, all the girls i hate, all the words i hate, how i'll never be anything i hate...bear with me.
I hate goodbyes. See, I knew I was going to get that response...yes, yes, I have ALWAYS said, say goodbye...and yes, I want people to say goodbye. When people are leaving in the morning, or whatever, say frickin' goodbye (except for that one time I asked a person not to say goodbye, so in my head it never ended..ahh, memories..) but say.the.words. I've gone on hating enough people for not saying goodbye, but I suppose there is a fine line.
Goodbye is final, nothing cuts like a knife moreso than 'goodbye' - especially when that word is said in haste, said abruptly, said in anger. So it's not so much the word I hate, it's the context of which it is used...I hate the person's reluctance to deal with the situation, their abandonment of the situation...
Why can't people just say what's on their minds, like me? LOL But seriously, more would get accomplished, there would be no awkward situation, there would be no argument, no stupid emotion like how I'm feeling right now...
All my life I stress that people be honest with me, people tell me what is up...after that I expect the truth from them..when I start to question them and they reassure me, then I cannot question anymore because then I'm a dick, I'm not trusting them like I should be. And that is wrong.
Maybe i'm taking it out of context, maybe i'm reading more into than i really should...maybe CAPS DOESN'T MEAN ANGRY...but perception is reality...
this, sadly, is my reality.
"CAPS MEANS ANGRIES!"
this is NOT contradictory..
this is a public service announcement and you should heed warning....
Right off the bat I'm gonna sound like a prick, i'm gonna sounds contradictory, i'm gonna become my enemy upon typing these keys..So instead I'll sit in the matinee and tell you about all the boys i hate, all the girls i hate, all the words i hate, how i'll never be anything i hate...bear with me.
I hate goodbyes. See, I knew I was going to get that response...yes, yes, I have ALWAYS said, say goodbye...and yes, I want people to say goodbye. When people are leaving in the morning, or whatever, say frickin' goodbye (except for that one time I asked a person not to say goodbye, so in my head it never ended..ahh, memories..) but say.the.words. I've gone on hating enough people for not saying goodbye, but I suppose there is a fine line.
Goodbye is final, nothing cuts like a knife moreso than 'goodbye' - especially when that word is said in haste, said abruptly, said in anger. So it's not so much the word I hate, it's the context of which it is used...I hate the person's reluctance to deal with the situation, their abandonment of the situation...
Why can't people just say what's on their minds, like me? LOL But seriously, more would get accomplished, there would be no awkward situation, there would be no argument, no stupid emotion like how I'm feeling right now...
All my life I stress that people be honest with me, people tell me what is up...after that I expect the truth from them..when I start to question them and they reassure me, then I cannot question anymore because then I'm a dick, I'm not trusting them like I should be. And that is wrong.
Maybe i'm taking it out of context, maybe i'm reading more into than i really should...maybe CAPS DOESN'T MEAN ANGRY...but perception is reality...
this, sadly, is my reality.
"CAPS MEANS ANGRIES!"
Fuck the Rules
fuck the man..
let creativity ring
the fine line between being rebellious and creative.
I keep getting dinged in my classes for my "grammar" problems...be it the ellipses i use, the use of commas, the fact I don't capitalize my I's, whatever the case my be I lose points for it...BUT as my professors strike down their red pens and mark me wrong for it, in the same stroke they congratulate me, uplift me and my findings, my brilliant writing, my prose and wit..and this bothers me.
I am bothered by it because I feel they are creating a double standard, that what they want is impossible almost. In a world of 100 percents, if I excel at one part, something else has to suffer. I can keep my eyes close for 10 minutes, heightening my other senses in the process, while my sense of sight is at zero.
But it's not only that, but that's my style, that's who I am, that's how I write..part of the reason why it is so brilliant is because of the way it is written. If I were to employ perfect English grammar, the read would not be as smart, as enjoyable, as witty, or convey as much personality as it does currently.
Those painters, artists, etc are known for "coloring outside of the lines", i mean fuck, look at monet! Their works of art wouldn't be considered amazing historical pieces had they done what they were told to do..had they lived within the strict confines of "how to properly do their thing"
they all said fuck the rules
they said that not because they were rebelling against the structure, but because their creativity did not allow for it. Their minds were busy at work making something beautiful that they didn't have time to go back over with stupid little details of capitalization in short.
walt.fucking.whitman.
i shouldn't even have to say more with that statement. do you know most fucking authors, poets, writers don't follow the "laws" of writing, and the only reason why we the people see the perfect writing is because the publishing companies change it all as it is being pressed. Publishing houses clean it up, leading us to believe that those artists write perfectly ALL the TIME!
and yes, I know the difference between not caring because it's beautiful and not caring because you're a dumbass. If someone reads what I've written and is cranialy pleased, I've done my job, but furthermore it proves that "perfect english" had nothing to do with what was said...it didn't make my writing any dumber by not following the rules, and if anything my writing can stand on its own.
in the end, nothing is going to change the way i write, my writing is my expression of self, by reading you can tell i'm not some random joe, that my prose is beautiful, my thoughts witty, my knowledge vast, and those who say otherwise are haters. end of story.
quit trying to stifle creativity, it's fucking college!
(oh, and I'll justify full all-fucking-day long!)
"all in all we're just another brick in the wall apparently..."
let creativity ring
the fine line between being rebellious and creative.
I keep getting dinged in my classes for my "grammar" problems...be it the ellipses i use, the use of commas, the fact I don't capitalize my I's, whatever the case my be I lose points for it...BUT as my professors strike down their red pens and mark me wrong for it, in the same stroke they congratulate me, uplift me and my findings, my brilliant writing, my prose and wit..and this bothers me.
I am bothered by it because I feel they are creating a double standard, that what they want is impossible almost. In a world of 100 percents, if I excel at one part, something else has to suffer. I can keep my eyes close for 10 minutes, heightening my other senses in the process, while my sense of sight is at zero.
But it's not only that, but that's my style, that's who I am, that's how I write..part of the reason why it is so brilliant is because of the way it is written. If I were to employ perfect English grammar, the read would not be as smart, as enjoyable, as witty, or convey as much personality as it does currently.
Those painters, artists, etc are known for "coloring outside of the lines", i mean fuck, look at monet! Their works of art wouldn't be considered amazing historical pieces had they done what they were told to do..had they lived within the strict confines of "how to properly do their thing"
they all said fuck the rules
they said that not because they were rebelling against the structure, but because their creativity did not allow for it. Their minds were busy at work making something beautiful that they didn't have time to go back over with stupid little details of capitalization in short.
walt.fucking.whitman.
i shouldn't even have to say more with that statement. do you know most fucking authors, poets, writers don't follow the "laws" of writing, and the only reason why we the people see the perfect writing is because the publishing companies change it all as it is being pressed. Publishing houses clean it up, leading us to believe that those artists write perfectly ALL the TIME!
and yes, I know the difference between not caring because it's beautiful and not caring because you're a dumbass. If someone reads what I've written and is cranialy pleased, I've done my job, but furthermore it proves that "perfect english" had nothing to do with what was said...it didn't make my writing any dumber by not following the rules, and if anything my writing can stand on its own.
in the end, nothing is going to change the way i write, my writing is my expression of self, by reading you can tell i'm not some random joe, that my prose is beautiful, my thoughts witty, my knowledge vast, and those who say otherwise are haters. end of story.
quit trying to stifle creativity, it's fucking college!
(oh, and I'll justify full all-fucking-day long!)
"all in all we're just another brick in the wall apparently..."
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Con...Fused
who says what
what says who
and everything else along the way
What do you do when actions and words do not match..no no, not like when I say I'm dancing a marathon right not as I am obviously writing a blog, or wait, maybe that is what I am saying..even more confused now lol. All through life we get ourselves in situations where what we want and how we act are two totally different things, but why is that?
Take for example this past Thanksgiving, as everybody gathered around, there were certain uneasy feelings for some, right? Ok, I'll use myself here. As I sat in the living room with my family, hors d'oeuvre were being placed out onto the coffee table that was in the middle of us all. They at there, and sat there...I was starving not having eaten anything before I made the road trip up, but I just watched the food sit there, as did everyone else. As much as I wanted to dig in, I refrained. Now some people would call this being polite, but what the fuck does politesse have to do with this, they just served the food, obviously they want you to eat it...especially after dropping it off they say, "Dig in!"
Why do we feel it wrong to go with our gut feelings? Why do we let the influence of others be so strong, even if it's not actually there? Why cannot we not think, feel, and act on our own ambitions rather than second guessing them because of what someone else may say or think?
Now I know they say peer pressure is strong, but honestly, funk that noise. I'm gonna do what I think/feel/know is best for me....because if I don't, I'll miss out. As my uncle said, "if you're shy you'll go without" - I thought about that phrase for a minute out of context, it's true. People are shy because they are afraid of a non-real factor, something they concocted in their heads. if you don't act on something, you won't get that something.
I prefer to go with "Hesitation causes accidents" Somebody who is wishy-washy, can't make up their mind only causes harm to themselves and people around them. As much as they think it's best to "not do something", they will pause, and never give it a chance..they are missing out. You ever sit at a green light, watch that person in front of you try to make that left hand turn...they've had several (missed) opportunities...each time they pull out a little more but clam up and stop..and before you know it they light is turning red and then they gun it...yeah same situation here. Their hesitation has delayed you, and maybe even endangered lived...all because they couldn't make up their minds.
I respect my friends and my family and those around me on that certain level, but I won't let their voices get in my head and cause me to not do something. If you're going to question me about who I am dating, I appreciate your input but too bad, I've made MY choice, please accept that. If you're going to question my change of career, again, I appreciate your concerns, but this is on me, please be supportive.
(now i'm not saying every decision needs to be supported, I've bailed on plenty of people who have asked for my advice, taken it for the first three seconds, then went right back into the horrible situation..I don't need people like that in my life but that's a different blog)
You know I am all about challenging others, so I do welcome any opposition, but I'm just saying, it will more than likely not run it's course in my brain until after I've given it a shot. So you can sit there and be negative and say "did you just say i love you?" and I'll respond with I sure did. I do not need to sugar coat anything to my friends, and I will not apologize for my feelings or opinions.
I do not wish to be wreckless with people's hearts, as nobody should be wreckless with mine. This isn't Bridges to Babylon, I don't want you to say those words to me unless you do mean them, with conviction. Maybe it's just like when I don't give PDA to a girl in public, there's a reason for that.
I just want things to match up; if you say A, then show A. Fuck the nay-sayers. Just Love.
"Sweet lies. Baby baby dripping from your lips.."
what says who
and everything else along the way
What do you do when actions and words do not match..no no, not like when I say I'm dancing a marathon right not as I am obviously writing a blog, or wait, maybe that is what I am saying..even more confused now lol. All through life we get ourselves in situations where what we want and how we act are two totally different things, but why is that?
Take for example this past Thanksgiving, as everybody gathered around, there were certain uneasy feelings for some, right? Ok, I'll use myself here. As I sat in the living room with my family, hors d'oeuvre were being placed out onto the coffee table that was in the middle of us all. They at there, and sat there...I was starving not having eaten anything before I made the road trip up, but I just watched the food sit there, as did everyone else. As much as I wanted to dig in, I refrained. Now some people would call this being polite, but what the fuck does politesse have to do with this, they just served the food, obviously they want you to eat it...especially after dropping it off they say, "Dig in!"
Why do we feel it wrong to go with our gut feelings? Why do we let the influence of others be so strong, even if it's not actually there? Why cannot we not think, feel, and act on our own ambitions rather than second guessing them because of what someone else may say or think?
Now I know they say peer pressure is strong, but honestly, funk that noise. I'm gonna do what I think/feel/know is best for me....because if I don't, I'll miss out. As my uncle said, "if you're shy you'll go without" - I thought about that phrase for a minute out of context, it's true. People are shy because they are afraid of a non-real factor, something they concocted in their heads. if you don't act on something, you won't get that something.
I prefer to go with "Hesitation causes accidents" Somebody who is wishy-washy, can't make up their mind only causes harm to themselves and people around them. As much as they think it's best to "not do something", they will pause, and never give it a chance..they are missing out. You ever sit at a green light, watch that person in front of you try to make that left hand turn...they've had several (missed) opportunities...each time they pull out a little more but clam up and stop..and before you know it they light is turning red and then they gun it...yeah same situation here. Their hesitation has delayed you, and maybe even endangered lived...all because they couldn't make up their minds.
I respect my friends and my family and those around me on that certain level, but I won't let their voices get in my head and cause me to not do something. If you're going to question me about who I am dating, I appreciate your input but too bad, I've made MY choice, please accept that. If you're going to question my change of career, again, I appreciate your concerns, but this is on me, please be supportive.
(now i'm not saying every decision needs to be supported, I've bailed on plenty of people who have asked for my advice, taken it for the first three seconds, then went right back into the horrible situation..I don't need people like that in my life but that's a different blog)
You know I am all about challenging others, so I do welcome any opposition, but I'm just saying, it will more than likely not run it's course in my brain until after I've given it a shot. So you can sit there and be negative and say "did you just say i love you?" and I'll respond with I sure did. I do not need to sugar coat anything to my friends, and I will not apologize for my feelings or opinions.
I do not wish to be wreckless with people's hearts, as nobody should be wreckless with mine. This isn't Bridges to Babylon, I don't want you to say those words to me unless you do mean them, with conviction. Maybe it's just like when I don't give PDA to a girl in public, there's a reason for that.
I just want things to match up; if you say A, then show A. Fuck the nay-sayers. Just Love.
"Sweet lies. Baby baby dripping from your lips.."
Con..
Cuss..
..ion
noooooooooooooo
I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..
this is all because i read up on concussions!
my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!
seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced
or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.
in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone
in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude
in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...
"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."
..ion
noooooooooooooo
I think everyone hyped it up, now it's been implanted into my head that I have a concussion...sure I got into an accident..and I've been sleepy all day...and after I showered I found a bump on my head from where I hit it.....and my neck is sore....and i'm getting a little nauseous..
this is all because i read up on concussions!
my stupid mother tells me i have a concussion, then everyone tells me to go to the ER, and i'm all like, i'm fine, i've been in accidents before..i'm ok!
seriously...this is all in my head, sure i hit my head, but everything here is self implemented, self-induced
or maybe i do have a concussion...i don't know, it goes away though...the treatment is nothing..bed rest and Tylenol...I got this.
in other news, this concussion is clouding my thoughts - or i'm just scared about losing someone
in other news, this concussion is making my stomach turn - or i'm just scared about the sudden change of attitude
in other news, this concussion is breaking my heart...
"Symptoms include...everything that November makes me feel, awesome detecting this one guys.."
Ok, Ok, OK
self-fulled..
bad luck..
or just plain ol coincidence....
November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.
Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.
I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.
I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.
my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.
And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.
I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.
This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.
As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.
maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....
"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"
bad luck..
or just plain ol coincidence....
November is coming to a close, thank the lord, but not after wreaking enough havoc to break my will. Clean-up time on the damage is approximated at a year, I feel like New Orleans...every time things start swinging back, here comes another disaster...maybe I should disappear for the entire month and see how that goes....actually, I'd probably wind up missing and never come back...scratch that thought.
Believe me when I say I do not wish these things upon me, and I do my best to not acknowledge it is November, but for some reason there's a holiday or two in that month that remind me what it is, ha. Now yes, shit happens in any other month, just like..well, normal. So why is it that November's disasters are so cataclysmic? Is it because I put this month's treacheries up on a pedestal, shine light onto them and elevate them to be worse than any other of the month's mishappenings? maybe.
I wrecked my car last year in November..actually it was the weekend of Thanksgiving..roads were slippery, lost control of a car that has all wheel drive and I spun out. Well as luck may have it, I wrecked my car this year, in November, on the weekend of Thanksgiving - this time the road conditions were ok...operator error once again.
I lose girlfriends in November...maybe because I get all weird, push people away, or whatever it is I do, but people around me tend to not be around the following months. And the sad thing is, it's never how I want it to be. Unless I tell you to Fuck Off, I'm pretty sure you're still ok to be around me. Their presence is what I am counting on to make it through the month of November...so why drop the bomb on me during one of my most vulnerable times..haven't people ever heard you can't beat a dead horse.
my seasonal migraine flares up in November, causing me to lose focus on everything around me...people, work, activities, school, etc, all become effected by my huge change in demeanor. I do not want to be cold to them, but it's out of my control. I explain to everyone what is going on, but does little..when it goes on for a week, people just think I'm being a dick...and this is the one time I'm not actually trying to be a dick.
And let's not even talk about the Seven years of Tears, as I lovingly have called the UofM's streak for losing to those assholes in the armpit of America...Fuck the Buckeyes.
I try to fight it all off, I stand my ground, try to hold onto those people, try to not let the accidents and everything else get me down..I know it's coming and so I do my best to dig my heels into the ground and hold firmly...I know the month is going to throw everything at me, but I know I have to keep standing up when it does..I know all this, but yet still at the end of the day, the end of the month, all the fighting and all the garbage has taken it's toll.
This past week has been no different; each day bringing a new offense to the table, and nothing gets resolved as the next day rolls in, eventually the weight of it all added up cripples the psyche and November leaves me there to rot, to suffer, but not to die...that would be no fun.
As my corpse of a shell lay barely hanging on, my soul tattered and frayed feeling like a war-torn village, December creeps in, dropping snow over me. The commercialization marches over without taking notice, of me, of anything in it's path to profit. I lay. alone. in the cold.
maybe next year I'll be in somewhere there's warmth....
"Fuck the November rain, if the November Rain was half my worries I'd be fine!"
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