(Apparently)

Love..
is..

not enough..

It's taken me all the way until now to realize this horrifying fact, love is not enough. Well, that's apparently what others would want me to think...and you know what, maybe they are on to something.

All my life I've always been a hopeless romantic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, believing in something so powerful, so amazing that is love..but yet as time went on, I grew older I also became more bitter, more cynical, more jaded...every heartbreaking moment would only leave all those little pieces of my heart more and more jagged..to the point where reassembling it at times almost seems impossible.

I've probably wrote a million times how "true love" doesn't exist, how foolish it is to think out of the billions of people in the world you were destined to be with just that one. We've just been brainwashed by media, society, and everyone we know that it's real, it's out there, it's for you...We've heard the songs, seen the movies...we know the parts, yet, it doesn't pan out like that...songs, stories, books, movies...they are just an amplified exaggeration of something that's real...like putting a stick on a horse's head

We all want to believe in something so good (no bash on religion here, I have enough demons to slay at the moment) that we strive for our version of it, mold it to be what we want and just pretend...those who are in love are guilty of pretending.

and pretending is knowing something isn't real, love isn't real...because if love were real, let me tell you, it would be "enough."

You can't sit there and believe in a thing called love yet in the same breath say that you need more, love just isn't enough..Love, by definition, is supposed to be enough..Love is the Answer, Love is all that matters...so when you tell me that "love isn't enough" I say to you 'bull'...I don't want to be apart of that horrible world where you don't really know what love is, for if you did, that would be all you needed.

Nothing else matters if you love someone..it doesn't matter if they're young/old/black/white/stupid/smart/whatever...if you have love in your heart for someone, if you have these feelings for someone..they are there...they are real..they are there for a reason..to say you need more, or it's not worth it, it's going nowhere is a farce..it's a lie..because if you actually cared, actually felt, the end would justify it all.

You go on living your life thinking there's more to be in love than love, and I'll keep pretending that love is all you need, because at least in my world there's possibility.

i'll keep pretending.










"Love conquers all"

Of Course...

this happens to be..
that time of the year...

you know, when i fucking hate everything...

I have so many things to bitch about, so many different rants to ramble on about, so many hateful things to say..that I cannot focus on just one at a time..I work myself up into such a tizzy i pass out on my keyboard..don't believe me, ask my skype buddy HazeyDays, with whom I fell asleep with trying to have a live conversation with (still doesn't trump the one time I passed out while going down on a girl...)

Granted I can focus on a topic for a minute here and there, but when i put myself down in front of a computer or person to go off, it comes out a mess...parts of this story and that story weaved together with the utmost incomprehensibility ever...did i just make up a word?

I'll get to this, i got topics to talk about..i'm finding the time not so much...i think i've been home for an hour or two today, not including sleep time..so yeah, i'm working on it..i have been making a conscience effort to keep nagging myself to blog..because boy howdy i got some things to fucking say...if you want angry blog posting, it's coming..

more than likely i'll say hurtful things, piss people off, and make others quote me years down the road saying something along the lines of,"your last words to me, via blog mind you, were fuck off" - classic jangus.

if i didn't need sleep so badly i would be on here rambling away...but just think..November is in a few hours, and we've already kicked off this years fuckfest with a god damn BANG, it's like October was a mother fucking pre-season for the mental raping that is November..way to go 2011, way to be awesome...

it's ok 2011 I'ma let you finish, but 2006 had the best November of all time..

fuck you, i'm out.










"**flips over table**"

I'm Losing My God Damned Mind

Yeah..
you heard me..

you know the shit is real when i use the GD...

Ugh, I have Good Day, and I have Bad Days..but the positioning of the scale is shifted from the norm...instead of Good being good, Good is rather Ok...which makes Bad shift as well, from Bad to Fuuuuuuck This Shit....or something like that..I am a visual person as you all know, so of course if I were to do this rant for you in person I would have had a full power point presentation with graphs and shit...

Anyways...As I was saying, I feel like on my good days certain facts don't bother me...i get by, all starts looking up...maybe because that's monday and i just had a nice conversation the night prior...then Wednesday comes along, and in those three days, work has built up, text messages go unanswered, and i'm just counting down the days til....actually...i don't even know what i'm counting..whether it's up or down..i look forward to the weekend, but there's no purpose to the weekend.all that means to me is i don't have to get in trouble at work for two days...and if not that then i'm counting up the days i don't hear from you, but in all actuality, "up" denotes a positive action...this couldn't be further from the truth...

my mind works in a horribly vicious way..it assumes, goes to the extremes, has an imagination on it's own level of intricacies i myself can't even explain. Something as simple as a picture will make my brain go into hyper overdrive, halting my world, and only causing pain there forth.

Example: My ex-girlfriend posts a picture and I go crazy...reason being what she's wearing..no nothing scandalous but rather a beanie...ok, backstory: A long while ago I was perusing the many pictures she's sent me and I noticed the beanie in one of them...loving girls in hats I asked her about it..she searched for it, wanting to wear it for me, yet could not find it..she never came across it again...i guess until today that is...and in my twisted world, I would think (and here's me over-thinking per usual) that if she were to find said beanie, take picture with said beanie, that she would have sent the picture to me with a caption "look what i found" - I mean, that's something totally legit that happens..i believe i've gotten and sent out similar messages in the past.

Now i don't want to go into the whole argument with you about how she's an ex and so forth..we still talk, we still send pictures, we text/call/whatever..it was situational and i'll go more into this some other time..so, for the sake of this argument, treat her like a friend, not a girlfriend.

So at this, i've got nothing - i could point out that i hadn't heard back from her in a couple days from our last text so this would have been an appropriate ice breaker..but i've got nothing..it's actions, or rather non-actions like this that make me question every single thing..every single written word..everything.

And these are the thoughts that trouble me...sure i tend to over-analyze things, but, it's kinda hard to see things for what they really are when...what they really are is not what you think..

This isn't Hell, it's far worse..it's relationship purgatory.






"She wants to fall in love with you but she's afraid of getting hurt, afraid of lies, and afraid she'll end up with only tears in her eyes.”

IDK

i don't know..
i don't know..

i really don't know...

I feel like I should write, it would help me not be so stir crazy right now...but i know if i attempt to write, the writing will be all over the place with scattered thoughts, shattered dreams, and broken hearts.

I honestly don't know what to say here..it's like i have so much to say, so much i just want to vent about, to shed a tear about...and i've already talked to so many people about what's been going on..i don't know what else to do..everyone has a different take..for once i'm listening to other's advice, trying to figure out what's best..because..this time..i really really care about what happens...

I want what's best for everyone in the situation...and i'm hoping, hell, i'm praying that what we both want is the same thing....right now those wants and desires are a little skewed, not the same, but i'm hoping things get sorted out, and soon.

i could spill my heart here, but i'll hold back on that for a moment...right now i'm still in a shocked state..things haven't hit me as strong as they will say, tomorrow..but i have definitely been going crazy over here...

i want her to text me, call me, email me, something...saying she's sorry that she had to do this, but it was only to be closer to me..or something...heck...i'd take just a text saying "hi", then I would know I'm on her mind..

i want to let her know she's on my mind..but i want to respect the space she wants too..she should already know i think about her constantly..but i don't want the lack of my texts to make her think otherwise..i wish she would read this..

i'm going crazy without her...and in my head, my horrible world i create, she's perfectly fine..it's as if i was erased from existence..that's probably not true..but..what else am i to think..she said she didn't want to be with me..

ugh..please come back









"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." ~ Sophocles

Everyday Life...

I'm the busiest...
most bored person ever..

and if you understand that, awesome.

I don't do anything..no really, I don't do anything...I go to work in the morn and that's about it..yet somehow, I don't have time for anything...I don't get it. Even when I am at home, watching episodes of shows I've already seen a million and one times, I still somehow do not have the time to even blog..

I mean, I have a list of things I should be doing...but, I can never slot the time for those things...what I hate is, it's not like I can leave work and go run the errands I need to do out in town..no, I have to come home and change over first, then go back out..but really once I'm home, I want to take a break from things and kinda unwind.

And as for blogging...I spend all day at work staring at a computer screen, so the last thing I want to do is...well, just that when I get home.. - - though a TV is very similar, it's just further away - -

I've had my friends comment, even recently, that there's always something going on in my life..I've always got some story to tell..some crazy thing..my life is a sitcom...whatever. And I think, sure things happen...but I am the one who is aware of all the down time..or all the random filler that takes two seconds to tell, yet painstaking hours doing...example being i could tell you I haven't heard from my girlfriend in 24 hours, give little details about it all, and take five minutes telling you....mind you, I'm the one who had to sit there for 24 hours waiting on a call..or however long..it's just an example..but still..

The time spent making the story never comes close to how long it takes to tell..maybe that's why we (i) recant them so much..maybe we try to get as much out of them as we put into them. People tend to think that "I'm not over (insert something here)" because I'll tell stories about that whatever...but to those who actually know me, know that I tell stories about everyone and everything..a lot. I tell the stories because I have nothing to hide, and because it's usually something worth telling..

That's what I do, I tell stories..people like listening to my stories and I like telling them..I don't know if i like telling them because people like them...or if people like them because I have so much fun telling them..I've been told it's the stories themselves that are so entertaining..others say it's my own touch I add..in any event, they are an extension of me...maybe to make someone laugh, feel good, or just look at life differently..it's my mark I am leaving behind on the world..

and if that's the case..i need to write more.








"If only I had more time... Wait, a minute, I got all the time I want! I got a time machine! ... All right. Let's see, ten minutes ought to do it."

Testy Texty

don't take that tone with me...

With all of the modern marvels and technological advances, it's pretty crazy to think that the most common form of communication today is via text. Why you can chat with friends, family, sext with a girlfriend, vote for your favorite character on that stupid TV show, check your balances, even use a google-like system to ask questions...what have we come to?

Texting, in its raw form is derived from its erferr base instant messaging. From ICQ to Skype the IM world has evolved and left its mark on society. At the turn of the Millennium, cell phone companies, realizing the sudden craze that was IM'ing - what with applications like MSN messenger, ICQ, AOLIM, Yahoo Chat, Trillion, etc - and wanted somehow to incorporate that into their products, I mean why not..it's another form of communication that is booming!

At that time in my life I will admit I was fully submerged into the subculture that was online instant messaging...but what is scary is some of the characteristics, or perhaps this blog that never happened, in the case of that time. After spending many an hour chatting it up, I soon came to the conclusion that IM'ing was flawed in a very big way and it was causing nothing but havoc in people's worlds.

Sure instant communication that is either free or cheap is a huge beneficial factor for the lives we now live..however, the problems created along that process make me questioning the value of it all. And it's not just one issue, there are several reasons I have grown to not like the IM world but mainly it's about dependency and translation.

Let's take the latter for a moment; translation.

I Guess I'll Never Understand

It's funny how while on my way to taking the trash to the dumpster i'd come across another soul in distress. Walking by a girl sitting on the curb, burying her head while holding a phone I can barely make out the conversation over the sobs with every breath she takes. There's anger in her voice..she always feels let down..she's a whirlwind of emotions and I fear that my scene will be coming up in the next twenty minutes.

it's a scene that occurs all too often, no matter where i've gone certain results are always the same. I've learned that if you see someone stationary and it looks like they are holding a phone, leave them alone…the conversation going on is not one you'd want to interrupt. It's weird but it's true, when people break down, they'll come to a stop in order to do so. Occasionally you'll get the person who is so in rage with whatever is going on via the tele that they stand up, shout, and use gestures…always with the gestures, mainly pointing…what they are pointing at or whom i still don't know - of course those are extreme cases, and it's usually fueled by anger rather than sorrow..because when your world collapses, so do your legs.

I'm back in my room before i know it - angry i accidentally napped, restless now that i did, trying to find food not really because i'm hungry but because i'm dreading a phone call. There aren't many times in life i've ever been speechless..i always have something to say - granted probability points to me saying something assholey, it's not always the case - but right now i feel as if i'm running out of things to say, only because at the fear of becoming a broken record, i've said them all before. even as i sit here in front of my computer, i'm left with nothing to type…guess it's not that important.

***unfinished***

Best Worst Day Ever

yesterday..
was a mind fuck

and it all started with my button coming undone

Saturday was one of those days…on of those days you want to tell everyone about..you rush to call/text/find any of your friends..and when you finally get a hold of one..you don't even know where to begin..you try to start rambling, but it doesn't make an sense, less sense than normal that is - and that in itself is a feat. After all was said and done, when I finally given up rather i didn't know whether to go for a walk to clear my mind or to lock myself up away from everyone so the weird shit would stop happening…yeah, saturday was that day.

my first weekend with having a roommate - yes, still angry about it - so i wake up to him rustling around, turning the TV on, and watching a DVD..it's not until the final thirty or so minutes I actually wake up and start watching it too. The movie ends and it couldn't have done so at a more perfect time, i look at the clock and see that i still have twenty minutes before the chow hall closes - amazing because last weekend i somehow managed to make it to the chow hall only once..and that was for dinner, definitely not brunch. I hop down from my bed and start to gather my clothes i carelessly threw under last night. Shirt on, hood on, shorts o-..wait..my first snag of the day…this should have been the indicator that i was in for a crazy day. the button popped off and went clear across the room - no i'm not a fatty, it id't bust when i tried to get it on like that…it just popped when i went to grab ahold of it….should have saw this coming though, i did just cut a super long IP from it the night prior….

Adapt and overcome right? So i zip up the shorts and throw on a belt, making sure it's nice and snug - who needs a button anyways?! So i gather myself, continue getting dressed, and head across the street…I'm excited that i actually made it to the chow hall before they closed on the weekend and overlook my missing button as i sit down with my food, soon realizing i'm still not fully awake..

it's the weekend so i do my weekend ritual of walking down to the NEX's food court to steal some wifi - the internet provided there is the best i've had in several months, so i make it a point to go only on the weekends to pay bills, make updates, surf, chat, whatever….it's with this unprecedented speed that i'm capable to do things that i typically cannot do during the week with the internet provided at the lounge across from the barracks. It's with that freedom, coupled with time to kill, and a conversation i had just this past week that would soon provide the mind fucking i wasn't ready for…

but let's step back for a second…upon walking into the food court i run into one of my sergeants…i do not know how to act when i come across these guys when it's "after hours" i think i may have said hey man, or something along those lines…it's tricky because..i'm in civvies..he's in civvies..we are at a food court..of course i recollect myself and properly call him sergeant as we depart..but i always seem to have this problem

i ordered subway, but it was just to get the drink - i know that sounds backwards, but subway is the only establishment in the food court that has fountain beverage service..so if i am going to sit there for some time, i might as well have the option to get refills! And i know you're thinking, why not just get the drink? Well, it you make it a meal, it comes with cookies and a sandwich! which i know i will eat later at some point…in fact i used that (now) classic line to someone in line later as i was getting said refill - lady behind the counter asked, "would you like to make it a meal", and i blurted out, "oh do it, it comes with a sandwich!"


***unfinished***

O.T.F.

One..
Time..

Fuuuuuck

Not DTF or DTET or DTDT or any other jazz, but OTF…if that's not a phrase, well it is now..that's right, you heard it here first, OTF, One Time Fuck. This, basically in a nutshell, is applicable to such females that are only good for one single event of sex. Now, in my defense I am unaware if such a thing exists in the female community directed towards males, so I will continue with my single-sidedness.

The One Time Fuck. It's really a difficult matter to discuss because it in itself is such a simple idea…basically there are the girls you marry and the girls you fuck..and as a sub-category for the latter, the girls that are only good for one fucking.

These are the girls that in someway intrigue the male species, the ones that maybe aren't their type…they consist of the extremists in most cases - i know you're lost, let me explain.

My friend and I were out in the hipster part of town and decided to dine at a local pizzeria. Our waitress fit the mold of the clientele who would actually take claim as being a resident of that area. She had the tattoos up the arm, the piercings, dark framed glasses, hand me down clothes, and whatever else she could afford from Urban Outfitters to be seen (scene). She wasn't sexy by any means, but she was probably the best looking female in a fifty foot radius and so something was compelling about her..she was different…this was noted by both myself and my dining companion.

"Damn, she's sexy..I'd pee in her butt," and it was with this statement from my friend that made me see the woes of our ways..we were duped into wanting to have sex with this creature. Right then and there I created the title's phrase, "NO, she's only good for a one time fuck", and I continued to explain. You see, you'd have sex with her, it'd be whatever, but when morning came, and she pulled back the doors to her closet it'd reveal a lot more than just clothes…well, actually, just clothes..but her entire wardrobe would look like she skinned a 70's couch..and that little outfit that you thought was so sexy the day prior would just be replicated again in order to create the character she has been playing…

This is not someone you could continue dating…her colored hair you thought that was 'sticking it to the man' and all of her other little rebellious ways would soon grow old as you wanted her to grow the fuck up…being a scenester is only fun until you realize the bills need to get paid and you need to get a real job…but this bitch's warped sense of reality would only prevent you from wanting you to take her out in public, taking her to your parents..and essentially, continue seeing.

I went social deviant route, but it works for all OTFs…the really hot blonde at the beach - if she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend who's out in the water surfing, she's gonna cheat on you too..or the girl you meet while waiting in line who ends up being really fucking dumb..or the girl in the coffee shop who is just a complete bitch..or the girl at the concert who's a druggie..and let's not even get into the "bar girls"..these types of broads only warrant a one time dicking..enough for you to fulfill your sick and twisted fantasy, and then realize the horrible truth.

And that's exactly what it is, some sick fantasy. Guys want to bang "that chick" - and that chick is any chick at that random point..from the sexy cheerleader to the dominating hardcore slut…ohh, click, now you're catching on. These women are not the women we wished to be with, but because of sick libidos we want to fulfill random urges and therefore we are drawn to them..they aren't sexy, they aren't anything special..they are just random pokemon and we are in the pursuit to catch them all.

This is why we ask our women to role play, to fulfill these urges so outside forces aren't so tempting. And for those women who blatantly refuse to go along with the role playing it's as if you are telling your man to sleep with another woman.

It works both ways i'm certain! If my girl were to ask me to dress up as a cowboy and shag her rotten, you god damn right I would…you know why, because I wouldn't want her going out shopping at the grocery store, running into a guy in a 10 gallon hat with snakeskin boots and all of a sudden getting her pants wet about it. You have to nip that shit in the butt.

Now of course I'm not saying that everyone in a relationship is going to cheat on their significant other because they saw a firefighter or librarian…but those urges are there..and people need to be aware of that..and if you really loved your lover, why wouldn't you want to please them so their minds don't wander.

So, I'm not blaming any one person for causing this, I'm just here to spread the good word, making people aware of such randomcies in life. And yes, this was a blog about the direct correlation to erratic urges of people you randomly see out in public and role playing in the bedroom.

Soooo, who wants to play Civil War Hospital reenactment…i'll be the amputee victim...






"Hi, your personality and presentation of self is nothing i would ever want out of a partner, and frankly I find your existence to be quite annoying - whatever character you've created and decided to live everyday as is a triumph against all normalcies in life and i can only hope and pray one day you wake the fuck up, however that being said it compels me enough to want my dick inside of you just once..i cannot explain as to why, maybe it's my self-expressive or rebellious side peaking out, me being completely absent minded going against the grain, but i know for certain come tomorrow i'll never want anything to actually do with you again"

Why I hate The..

oh crap, can't say it..
but you know..

that Service thing I'm doing…yeah…that thing

So I hate the Corps because it's like being a Jew, an Orthodox Jew to be correct….though I'm not really how correct of an analogy this really is, it was the first thing that popped into my head..but let me continue. So as stupid it is to be a Jew, it's as equally stupid to be a Marine. So for those of you who don't know, the Orthodox Jews are the ones that celebrate Sabbot, or the Sabbath…basically that small period of time in the week where you have these "rules" and "guidelines" you need to follow in order to be a good Jew or do god's will or some crap. During this time, from the sunset on Friday to sunrise on Sunday, this group of people are forbade from doing such random tasks as turning a light switch on…and the list goes from the complete idiotic as dialing a phone, to using money, to traveling or working…what really gets me is that idiotic spectrum…the "no turning on lights" or "writing down something with a pen" or "dialing a cellphone"….if you ask a Jew why, they tell you it's because you're not supposed to be working or worrying about things, you're just supposed to relax. Well I on't know about you, but with so many ridiculous rules in place I'd be constantly worrying that I was breaking one of them…"oh shit, i just sneezed, can i do that?"

The Corps has equally as stupid of rules…especially when it comes to the uniforms..sweet jesus. While being in uniform is like partaking in Sabbot, you can't do anything! For those of you not in the Corps, let me explain, and I will not be exaggerating by any means..While in uniform you cannot…walk and drink…walk and eat..walk and use a cell phone..walk and adjust your uniform..carry things in your right hand..carry things on your back, such as a backpack..have things in your pockets…and if you were in service uniforms, don't even think about carrying a wallet in your pocket! Yes, that prior list wasn't simply the "flashy" service or dress uniforms…it pertains to the cammies as well..which is what most of us wear every single day, for hours at time because they are our work uniforms.

And I get it, the reason for all these rules on both the Corps and Jew sides is keeping with traditions and so forth..respecting the heritage that comes along with calling yourself a jew or Marine.."respect the uniform" i hear constantly as a junior Marines does something they are not supposed to..and just shortly after that another junior Marine who has been brainwashed will make a comment about "looking heinous" or some derivative about how "we didn't join the army"..when deep down inside we are all saying, really, what the fuck.

I'm not asking to reinvent the wheel here (ugh, one of my most hated sayings and I do not know why I just used it..too much hate in this blog), but what I'm asking services, of any nature, to do is, get with the times. Hey Jews, you want to not worry about the mundane, bullshit life and not work..it's called taking a vacation…not segregating yourself out of the community wherein that type of lifestyle is not conducive to living a normal, healthy, social life. Hey Corps, we understand you're the hardest of the branches of service, the best of the best, etc…but you don't have to justify these obsolete rules, standards, traditions, or whatever as a validation for keeping around a non-needed branch of service. It'd be like if I wore a condom on my dick all day long after having sex with some chick…nobody can see it, it's only hurting myself…but I already know I fucked the broad, so why do I need to have this questionable antic as a form of a reminder..people will know by the way i, err you perform..got lost in my analogy..lol.

Short in point, it's stupid to be either a Jew or a Marine.






"..don't both have grooming requirements too?!"

In the Forecast..

Cloudy minds...
bringing on the helpless haze

and no i'm not gonna start singing in the rain...

There's way too much on my mind to really even try to write a concise blog about one thing..so i give you the hodge podge that is my head right now. I can't even begin to try and wrap my head around one solid thought..everything is spinning a thousand miles a minute..trying to grab onto one of those blurs is seemingly impossible..i'm writing "literary filler", as i call it, to make it appear as if i am actually writing something...absolutely amazing isn't it?

I didn't get any sleep last night, and that's my own fault.. i can never walk away from a situation..i can never let it go til the morn' (or later)..i just can't do that..it's not me, it's not who i am, it's not who i'll ever be. I let my emotions get the best of me, i become fully immersed in whatever situation i found myself in. I allow myself to get all worked up to such extremes it's absolutely ridiculous.

This is probably the only time I ever truly panic. Heavy, increased heart-rate followed by faster breaths..stumbling over words and just repeating those words and phrases that actually do make their way out...any bit of sleepiness no matter how early in the morning seems to vanish and is replaced with bouncing around, trembling, and pacing...lord how i love to pace.

What sucks the most is that the condition only becomes worse as the seconds tick by because the situation is only getting worse...because the seconds are ticking by. I hate fucking up, I hate getting into disagreements, I hate having my feelings and emotions get the best of me..

i hate how my feelings for people can cause me to act like a fool...i don't even know where it comes from...I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy - only because that's what everyone always tells me - but i swear i can do some of the dumbest shit...and 90% of the dumb shit i do is caused by my feelings towards someone else. i get wrapped up in this..state of mind that any and all logic i once had is now gone, out the door...it's like my brain and my heart are in some old western movie and one of them says the classic line "well, this town ain't big enough for the both of us..." - and i don't know what my heart is packing, but my gosh does it always seem to win.

i hate this feeling...i hate most 'feelings', but right now, i feel alone....and not in any control - of course this is coming from the guy who has on countless times up and left everything on a whims.. I think what really brings on all these negative feelings and extreme dislike for everything right now is the loss of life, my life. I hate when a situation arises and i'd have the perfect whatever for it..but it's back in indy, locked up in a storage unit. i hate how everything i used to own, use, play with, etc is locked behind a garage door just sitting there - the metal coffin that houses what was once my life. And it's not just mere possessions in there, it's me..identifying qualifiers of who i am, or was rather...items that made me, me...

it's not materialistic, it's life..and right now i'm holding onto a very small fraction of that...i have no control of what's going on and that also creates issues within my world. i've never been one for structure, or authority, or anything of the sorts..i've always been an individual, done what i've wanted - Now granted, i'm not a law-breaking rebel who rapes, pillages, plunders or whatever let's get that straight - i've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer..my own drummer...

And I know I'm not alone completely..i have friends and family that are supportive, that i can reach out to should i need to (but never do)..why heck, this morning, as lights came on in the squad bay the devil dog to my right, admist rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted at me and asked if i got any sleep, to which i replied no, he then went on to say that he overheard me on the phone throughout parts of the night..then asked if everything was ok, if i was ok....other marines have read some of these posts and have inquired about my well being...so i know people care, i'm not trying to say or suggest for a moment that people don't...i'm saying i feel alone, god that doesn't make any sense, but there's no real other way to express it....alone and no control, that's my life

there's just way too much going on for me to try and make sense of any of it..normally i have a grip on most things, but again, i'm losing control in all aspects of my life...i can usually go with not being able to explain one or two things, mainly when it comes to love, but when my entire world is engulfed with questioning..when my entire existence, my conquests, goals, thoughts come under the scrutiny of having doubts and question marks i'm left with nothing to hold onto..the ground from underneath me is slowly giving out and i cannot make sense of my surroundings

is this what drowning feels like...










"I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run til I drop..."

The Write Structure

emotionally charged..
..positive writing?

that's a chemistry joke...get it? like..electrons=emotions...nevermind...

I do my best to write as often as I can...most of the time I want to write I am in no place to do so, no access to a lappy or the internet, or I just do not have but a few seconds, hardly enough time to sufficiently adapt my thoughts to words...

But every now and then comes a time when the stars align; I have the time, the lappy, the internet isn't being a bitch, and last and most important piece falls into place...not just something to write about, but something I'm charged up and wanting to write about.

Just like an athlete, a fighter, a warrior, or someone in a life or death situation gets that sudden surge of adrenaline flowing through their bloodstream which allows them to accomplish superhuman feats, thus is the same for my writing. I know not every day I write is a masterpiece, because not everyday I'm filled with that raw emotion..a lot of days are just blah...but then, something happens, something to get my blood flowing and my fingers pecking..those are the moments when greatness occurs.

However just like redbull gives you wings, it also sends you crashing back down to mother Earth once that sugar rush is over..what's leftover is a slow, lethargic ass dragger of a corpse. Same goes for the writing. I try my very best to stay on topic, to stay on the 'larger' picture or topic, and I do so for a good three-quarters of my rant...but then, the emotional push I had breaks down the flood gates and the real story starts to come out...the last part of the blog post becomes personal, relating back and revealing the subject that brought about the general topic. I start to lose focus, and the once brilliantly crafted piece of work starts to fall apart, in a very similar fashion of that infamous runner (Chris Legh) collapsing at the finish line...

The harmonious structure that once was is no longer; the final words meshing together just as if there was a four year old attempting to play the piano..I apologize for all this. I try to keep everything on track, but the very emotions that made the whole post possible is the same bit of discourse that destroys it.

I hope you all understand this and can bare with me in the future..







"letting my emotions show through means letting my guard down, then you're vunerable to anything...even shitty writing"

3 5imple Rules

if you wanna be my lover..
don't get with my friends..

That'd make you a slut....

It's really a simple concept - just as everyone has heard of the "Golden Rule" (do unto others as you would like done to you) I have a very similar protocol for girls who date me. This is where it gets tricky..instead of one rule, I have three rules...oh nooooo too many!

Now, before I even get started I'm sure many of you are already questioning why I have "rules" - as if I'm some sort of controlling misogynistic asshole..well, that's only partially true, mainly the latter. Again, these are just basic rules that I would like my counterpart to abide by in hopes of keeping the unity of the relationship.

First Rule: In a biblical fashion, love me and only me. I'm not saying you cannot love your parents, family, friends, etc...I'm saying, there is one true god, err love, and at that moment in time I will be it. I'm not playing this "I still have feelings for" or "well I don't know who I love" caught in-between some bullshit and some horseshit..you love me, plain and simple.

Rule Two: Do not lie to me, always tell me the truth, and just communicate. All too often we build up relationships on the rocky foundations of lies and misleadings. Other times we fester up what's really bothering us on the inside and never discuss it with our partner, which leads to pent up anger and aggression, and in some cases, acting out - whether it be in some sort of physicality or wrong-doing/cheating/etc. Talking things out works, it's just rarely done. Getting an understanding of where each is coming from, how they are interpreting information and the relationship altogether, just getting inside the other's head via their own openess and portal made just for you.

It's easier said than done, but it really works...I've never dated a mind-reader nor have I claimed to have ever been one - all knowing maybe, but reading people's minds, that's crazy. You can only see things from their perspective if they are open and talk about...it's a two-way street though keep in mind, you can't hold back..do not be too afraid to approach your partner with a topic as well. This is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome...but once the communication barrier comes down and more and more open conversations are happening, this will be a lot easier, and eventually no topic will be cumbersome to approach.

The Third, and probably most important rule: Do NOT allow yourself to be in a situation that would jeopardize our relationship. The short version, and very ambiguous title, would be; Don't be stupid. This is the very fine line I draw that people say may be considered controlling..I consider it precautionary.

It is a very broad, generalized rule...but consider it like Article 134: The General Article. It's an article of the Marine Corps Laws we have to abide by that states even though whatever you did wasn't covered in the many other articles, it's still not cool and you're gonna get punished for it...Granted my rule isn't that harsh, I suppose it's along similar guidelines.

Just don't be stupid, don't get yourself involved in a situation that would make me question your integrity, your commitment, your value of me to you. For example, I once dated a girl who, one random night at college went out with her friends - no big deal..she drank and got drunk - again no big deal....she ended up staying the night, falling asleep at a frat house - problem.

And so my issue is not that I do not trust her, but of course I will use the complete opposite and cliche argument it's those around I do not trust. for whatever reason that argument is hated on by the female community - no ladies it's not just something we say because we don't trust you..it's literally because we do not trust the other men..because we are men! I think it's completely stupid and haphazard to drink to the point of passing out and deciding to stay at a frat house...the drinks you had were probably spiked with something anyways, and once you pass out in a house of men that are known for being shitheads, lord only knows what's going to happen during lights out....of course we've heard the stories and seen some of the videos..but then again, it's not rape if you don't know...

Other no-brainer, well what i consider to be no-brainer, situations....don't go out on a date with your ex...especially when he has already made it clear he wants you back...don't get into a hot tub with a bunch of guys - i don't care if your best friend jumped in she's probably the slutty one anyways. Only bad things happen in hot tubs...they should call them baby-makers...or vats of vial bodily fluids...(again found at frat houses, lol) And another thing..nothing good happens after 2am . I know this to be true because I've spent many a night out after 2am..in a Barney like fashion (of course I would say good things happen after that hour..but it all depends on which side of the ball you're playing).

Am I uncomfortable with my girlfriend heading out after 2am to hang out with a friend - yes - if she is accompanied by a girl I am still weary, mainly for her safety because again, bad things and bad people come out at those hours. Should she be escorted by the male of the species...little red flags go up. I don't care friend or not, I do not know what is sooo imperative that needs to be addressed after 2am...unless your friend is having a mental breakdown, contemplating suicide, or had a family member pass away..really nothing can rationalize why you're going out..or why he's asking you to go out...((especially if you've already made claim to be really tired three hours prior and have yet another long day ahead of you..speaking from experience? Nahhhh))

***and I'm not getting into guys that are friends/guys want more than friendship blog..some other time..if any***

I know people hang out and do random things at random hours...but if something swims like a fish, smells like a fish, and looks like a fish..it's said to have the characteristics of being fishy...I'm just saying these are some of the things that would make me question the legitimacy of the relationship on your end. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone until proven otherwise, I expect them to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth..I expect them should they ever find themselves in a relationship with me that I take it seriously, that if I have made a commitment to them I'd expect the same in return...if I make the leap and say I love you, I mean it, and I love only you..and I would not do anything to make you question that..

I wouldn't sleep in another woman's bed (unless she wasn't there), I wouldn't think about another person in any way that I think about you, I'd want you to trust me like I trust you, but I wouldn't push your limits and boundaries..I'd want to make the relationship comfortable..I'd want there to be no question of faith..trust...desires

To whomever said "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" obviously was the person who fucked up...

"No one has ever loved anyone, the way everyone wants to be loved."

Just Nothing

when good enough..
..isn't good enough

putting the 'bla' in blue35tuesday...

I'm not feeling this...any of this...after a second day of libo, second day of (kinda) doing what I wanted, wearing what I wanted, being who I wanted to be, I feel blaaa. It was shortly after returning from the gym and eating chow when I felt this discontent with the world. This feeling would only grow on me as the night dwindled down to a close.

Maybe it was the fact of dealing with the engine/trans issues that have been lingering on since...after boot..maybe because my $20,000 vehicle has been sitting and rusting away since Feb of this year...maybe because even after all is said and done I won't have the money to deal with the shitty situation..maybe because this situation - as a whole - i mean everything -- is not to my liking.

I'm not enjoying my time in guard - the man who could turn any situation into something enjoyable is apparently losing his touch it would seem. I hate how we [guard] get blasted like we are still recruits..we don't get the freedom or privileges that even ITB is getting..and I hate fucking up

Getting called out on shit upsets me, not because those who are doing the calling out are picky sons-of-bitches that really need something better to do than take our their mommy neglecting them when they were children issues out on me..but rather because I failed. I hate failing.

All throughout my childhood I've always been in the top percent on anything I did (except swimming, but who the fuck cares about that...) I guess once my name got out that I wasn't the run-of-the-mill child I got away with more and more...Example was back in highschool, I was interested in applying for the Advanced Placement U.S. History class. In order to get selected you had to write an essay on a certain drawing or something along those lines, yeah, it as like an application process pretty much. Regardless I wanted to know what the course was like so I went and talked to the teacher for a little bit. After the discussion I decided that I would apply for the class. So one week later I turned in my essay and as I am doing so the teacher looks at me baffled..he asks me what I was handing him, I explain my application..to which he tells me that all I had to do is say I wanted in and I got it...

Here I haven't amounted to anything yet, and more than likely I will not make a career out of this...I actually see myself using my MOS skills and security clearance to become one of those defense contractors...and make six figures...Yes, money is the answer to 99.9% of questions and problems. I'm just trying to figure out what that other .1% is...

Maybe I'm beating myself up, maybe not...you are you're own worst critic they say. Well, maybe I'm not as harsh as my mother who said my blog wasn't anything worth reading - lol. Yeah she said this to me over my boot leave but in a conversation we had last night she doesn't recall it...I guess she reads this tripe and actually likes it...I can't think of anyone who really doesn't enjoy this little blog

Even you, yeah you..secretly reading away checking on my every move..seeing if I'm doing something else 'stupid' - welcome to the reality that is my life. You can read away..I'm just someone else, but a lot more interesting..and maybe if you were to actually know me..you wouldn't hate me? Of course I cannot make any guarantees on that, you either love me, hate me, or love me then turn to hating me. So I suppose anything is possible...you'll see, if you haven't already as you've read deep into my psyche, that I'm really not that bad of a person and I've never meant any harm..it's just a really fucked up situation and it's hard to make sense of it.

I hate sounding all emo and shit, and this blog really doesn't need that type of misdirection, but sometimes that's the only time I want to write...It may not be my best writing, but it's something out there...and I know not every day I can write, some days you're on, some days you're off - granted I'm on more often than not ;-)

I miss things..I miss photography..I miss TJ..I miss living my life.







"you always seem to make something good great"

Alright..

I'm gonna do my best..
and by best i mean this..

which is just pressing my fingers on this keyboard here...

I'm fighting off sleepiness trying to put thoughts to text here and i'm failing at a very interesting rate. I'm on standby, was just called a dick because i'm passing out in one of the "prime spots" granted there's only me and another guy here in the computer area...had this been during the busy hour i could see an argument..but 1800 on a sunday? what the eff ever.

i should be sleeping..this is technically my sleep time and i won't be getting much for the next couple of days..it's the frickin' fourth of july, I'm a Marine, and I'll be working on it...laaaaaame. Any other Marine in the US gets full 96 (96 represents the number of hours we get off for liberty..96 is a four day weekend) but not for us..we have to...guard things?

You know, any time I have had to work on the fourth i have hated life more than anything...and it wasn't until 2006 i vowed to never work on the fourth again....

in 2004 i was working at a restaurant, on a "double". I worked my lunch shift and then went on a break..trying, pleading to get cut for the night. So when i returned back to work for my dinner shift i noticed i wasn't on the floor plan.I got my wish, or so i thought...that was hardly the case. Instead I was part of an "elite" group who were on *cough* standby *cough* Yes, standby..the equivalent of restaurant purgatory. So me and a few other employees sat in a booth together, albeit complaining, waiting...and waiting...just in case we were needed..just in case we got that rush - of course anyone who's ever been in the industry read those last lines with such cutting sarcasm that cannot accurately be replicated in any stale form of writing...

Long story short i eventually got the cut and was able to make it to my Fourth plans and watched some fireworks..yay

in 2005 i only had to work the lunch shift, all was well...but in 2006, that had a moment of history that would change the course of time from then on out. I was working at the Johnny Rockets in Cedar Point (America's Rockin' Roller Coast), my first season. It was already a tumultuous season and this was hitting the half-way point for most of the crew. I worked on the fourth, a double, because at that time, I didn't care about anything, I was just there for the ride...oh how quickly all that would change.

People remember such mundane things like their first kiss, first baseball game, whatever...servers...we remember our first walk-out. On July Fourth in 2006, after 3 years of providing service for others in the form of a waiter I had my very first walk-out. Let me explain the situation...it's the evening, sun has gone down fully, and the park is coming to a halt. The restaurant is nearly dead, but then a group of teeny bopper girls come into the building, of course it's my turn to get sat as i just cleared out my section...I take the order, expediting them, trying to get them the fuck out so i can watch the fireworks...

As the first booms go off I make my way outside...it's not too long before my server clock kicks in and tells me my guests food is about to be up..waiting just a few more explosions later I hurriedly make my way into the restaurant, grabbing up the burgers, half-n-halfs, and chicken fingers, and delivering them to the table...staying in the restaurant to make my one minute/one bite check back i can peer outside and see the reflections of the exploding fireworks lighting off the surrounding buildings, grounds, and rides. After the checkback I rush outside just in time to witness the grand finale. It's in moments like those when you can really lose yourself from the reality you are living in, that's why I needed to see those fireworks..to remove me from what it was I was doing with my life...

After all that was finished, the crew made their way from the back alley, through the restaurant, and to the front..it was time to put on "our" show...apparently because we had an almost empty restaurant we had to get people in..and what did we do to do that..dance. Our management team had the brilliant idea to make us dance to all 10 songs...of course, we didn't know this going out there..

After the first song fades out we about face and start to make our way back in, which is when and where we were greeted by said management team to turn back around and continue til further notice...by the third song most of us are confused, looking around...in the middle of the dances i keep turning around to check on my table..again, server instincts are kicking in..

I'm not allowed to go back into the restaurant, managements orders - heck i even tried at one point - i was met with a hand and a finger..there was no winning this battle..all i could do is try to keep my eyes on them, even though my back was turned the entire duration. The last song and dance wrap up and i hastily make my way in the restaurant, dashing to my table where i find nothing..no people, no money, just some of the garbage left behind that a busser was just then cleaning up..

I was just walked-out on...I could no believe it...what makes this story even better was the fact I had just had conversations with another co-worker a week prior to this instance about how I never had a walk-out in my serving career..I took pride in the plus karmatic state i was in, oh how the mighty will fall.

Of course the first thing I did was to call that very co-worker up with the details, and the second thing I did was I made that vow..to never work on the fourth again, i was over it. I couldn't allow myself to be working, at an establishment, on a god forsaken holiday...i didn't see the sense and could not comprehend how ignorant people and corporations could be..

then I went to work for a place that was open 365 days a year, but let's not go into that...Even there I was able to get the fourth off and continue on with my life as scheduled...

Now I'm working for a government agency, the frickin military, and I am not even rewarded with getting..not just any holiday, but the nation's independence day off...so thank you...thank you everyone..thank you to those who will be celebrating under the blanket of security i am providing for you and those who have come before me..who have to and had to work on the fourth...

cocksuckers.









"Me- Those fucking black bitches just fucking walked-out on me!!!
Manager- Oh, they just have to be black eh?!
Me- Yeah, because if they were any other color they would have paid their fucking bill!"

WHAT?! To Do...

take time
to make time

what the heck does that even mean?!

is that even bloody possible? I'm trying to think of some random situation where it is possible and I'm drawing a blank...take blank to make blank..still not working...anyways...you know what would be nice, if I could just hang onto my laptop all day (well, ok, maybe not while I am on post, I understand that's like real work) but during QRF, I mean that's five hours of down time...

you know what I could do in those five hours...I could play a video game..or even better..I could write..maybe write one of my stories, a script, a short story, an allegory, something..

I could write my LC story..but I just don't know how to start it...give me a beginning people..help me with that..if I have the beginning I can make the rest happen...they say the waiting is the hardest part, well...so is writing the damn introduction to something

ok, I'll get crackin...Kracken...Trackin?









"Knock knock..."

Stir Crazy

Not the noodle place..
the place of mind...

that only things place can cause....

ok..ok....ok. It's not even been a week and I'm already going stir crazy. My day consists of doing a lot of nothing, consuming a lot of time, which only moves slowly...getting less sleep than normal (for me) and not having an outlet of any of this balled up energy..

Even the internet has lost its luster..it's that bad.

Here is the run day of my day...long five hour shifts. Let's say this...lights are at 5am..we do a morning clean up, head to chow...it's 0630 and it's now time for my first shift: Fire watch. A five hour shift where I roam around the squad bay..trying to keep busy by constantly making racks, sweeping, picking up trash, texting, not watching TV, whatever...

Now it's 1130 and I switch over to Standby...this is when I can take a nap, get on my lappy, do mindless things, as long as I stay up front just in case QRF (explained in a second) needs us..five hours pass..sloooooooooowly.

it's 1600 time for chow for thirty minutes because at 1630 I'm on QRF - Quick Response Force...this is where it gets the worst...I have to sit in these desk chairs for five hours, not getting up, or falling asleep, or using electronics, or doing anything that would virtually keep me from wanting to suck start my M16A4 Service Rifle..there's a TV in front of us that is constantly playing movies or shows..but the variety sucks and I can never find it in me to watch...the Boondocks, as hard as I try it's just not quality stuff being shown..

After those five hours the cycle starts all over again...maybe this time on post I'll be on firewatch, or rover, or front post, or routes...something for five hours...followed by standby for 5, followed by QRF for five...these are my days

I have a rack..somewhere in the back of the house, but I never get to sleep in it..I have spent more time in my wall locker getting stuff in and out than I have spent in my own bed...my own bed is available to sleep in during my liberty...which we get every two to three days of working...it's a very daunting process...

And with all the fuck-ups we've been having lately our liberty keeps getting secured, aka taken away...why just this morning I got in trouble for "not being on my post" last night. it was the 2130 to 0230 shift I had firewatch...I was up, i was awake, i was patrolling the squad bay..heck I have witnesses that can testify that I was doing my job...but because the stupid fucking scribe "couldn't find" and can "never find me" I get blasted for not being on my post..

I tried to explain my case and present the evidence but it was too late, my NCOs already got the message...I love it..I get in trouble for roaming like i am supposed to do..not sitting on my ass watching the TV like every other firewatch..at no point did anyone call out my name looking for me, heck i even passed by the other fire watch members...and how the fuck can you not see me, I'm in an orange road guard vest for crying out loud!

whatever, this is lame...I cannot even begin to imagine that I have to be here for another four weeks..five weeks whatever...August First will you just hurry the fuck up so I can go to school or something...

I need something to do..







"Scribe - I looked for you last night and I couldn't find you..
Me - Funny because I had the same problem, except the only difference was I was walking my post..I didn't see you around anywhere"

Changing of the Guard

one less day..
one step closer..

the gradual unbecoming of a gentleman.

A good third of psychologists only become psychologists because they themselves are mentally unstable, and thereby getting a degree in said profession would detour the general mass from deeming them crazy..quite the table turners those people are..

I think there's a similar scenario for photographers - those who take the pics secretly have always desired to be on the other side of the lens, and since that dream isn't happening, the closest thing to being the beauty is creating the beauty.

Maybe that's just me, but I feel as if i should have been on the other side..even though i've never been a fan of the color green.

While on a random liberty we had a week back I was perusing my iphoto library in my dead time. Looking over the pictures caused a stir of emotions, however it was not over the events that were depicted in the digital rendering before my eyes, but rather the smile drawn on my face was from simply having photos i deemed worthy...

I'm a very critical person, and only harder on myself, so for me to state that I approved of something I had made takes a lot. There's been many a moment where I've wanted to take a picture while training, at boot, or whatever...I feel just like this writing, that one of my (few) talents is slipping away. They saw in order to stay in shape, whether it's a physical thing or whatever, you need to do it..to practice it..I unfortunately haven't had the freedom to practice anything other than what I was told to do.

I don't know when I'll be able to get my hands wrapped back around my camera again..I don't know when I'll be able to produce quality pictures again..I don't know when the time will be there..

it's annoying, this living like this...I have a storage unit full of things, my life..my past life..that just sits there...things i used to use every day, the accessibility to use them whenever...now i live off the bare minimums..luckily i have my lappy and phone, i suppose that should be good enough, but it's not.

I'll wake up one morning..have liberty..want to put on a certain shirt, or shoes, or grab something random...but I cannot..it's not here..i have the same three shirts to choose from, my civilian attire has almost became another uniform...
"what's it gonna be today....civie alphas....civie bravos..."

if there's one way the corps is gonna change me, it's gonna be like this...the breakdown of what i was, who i was....it isn't accomplished at boot camp, or MCT, or MOS school..it's a longer process....I'm still the same person I was before I left, but I'm slowly dying away...with more orders, more secured liberty, i lose a piece of myself every time. This is how they want it, by the numbers. Some people change overnight, some welcome this lifestyle and adapt quickly, openly embracing all the ideals and propaganda, I wasn't one of them. I stayed my individualistic self. But time will soon be all i have left...

ugh, five years...i've held out longer than that









"Gentlemen, he said I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards."

Cooooool

neato..
wowzers...

whoa!

Nothing crazy to report, but I wanted y'all to know that I have just updated my blog page..it consisted of one click - i don't even get off that easy - so let's not get too excited..

but now you can view my..err this page on a mobile device..easier, that is...you could always open the web browser on an iphone and read...but this is more legit...

so for all of my iphone followers who like to read up on me while they are bored at work, i got you.








"personal notification"

I Feel a Blog Coming On

Over.
Due.

Like that library book i took out in the sixth grade...

Why is it that whenever I have something to say, want to share it, I'm no where near/have access to my lappy...ugh, hopefully those times are behind me as I have successfully completed both Boot Camp and MCT...

I'd say the time I needed it the most though, has been in the past month - I've only been shyly burying my feelings away into other activities...digging holes, firing weapons, you know, routine stuff.....but in all honesty field week is what gets to me.

There is no way I'd be able to ever be a grunt..not because it's physically enduring and whatnot, I got that shit...it's what the field does to my head while I'm out there. I of course am basing this off the two times we've had to spend more than 3 days out in the wild..

For whatever reason, as I sit there in my fighting hole, my brain switches over into this existential, Sartre-esque overload of thinking..crazy thoughts, questioning this or that, trying to put things into perspective...it's a lot of reflection from muddy waters.

by the third day of it I'm at edge, irritable, and easy to anger - maybe that's the warrior coming out of me like my drill instructors wanted - to me that just means i need to stay far away from that....unless..unless of course I want to write some crazy shit, then I know exactly what to do....

bring my lappy, walk out into the middle of nowhere, make a sleeping ground, and flick my fingers away....

if only there was a power source way out there because lord knows the battery life on this mac sucks beyound all comprehension...

I need to get caught up, I need to get my writing back up to...coughparcough.

this is the first of many...to be continued.










"each passing moment i become more and more angry that i didn't bring my phone out here..."